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00:00What the heck is going on here? You almost made me spill my joe.
00:18The noise, Don. What is it?
00:22Alright, everyone. There's no need to panic. This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system.
00:30Is there an emergency?
00:32No, this has only been a test. Had this been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed on where to go in your area for shelter.
00:40Shelter from what?
00:42Bombs! To interrupt a program of this quality under the guise of national security is preposterous!
00:48Oh, look, it's back on.
00:53Hmm, X-Files. Never really got it.
00:58I know, it's so inaccurate.
01:00Say, Sally, how's about tomorrow night I buy you the biggest steak in town?
01:05How's about you throw in a baked potato?
01:07How's about you wear that red dress?
01:09How's about you pick me up at eight?
01:10How's about I come a little early?
01:11How's about you let us watch our show?
01:17Oh, look at this. I bet they break the genetic code and realize Scully's been implanted by the smoking guy.
01:23Oh, look at that. The alien just put a probe in that guy's ear.
01:27Everybody knows you can't get a brain scan through the ear, you gotta go through the butt.
01:32You know, I bet I could write a killer X-File.
01:34I could write one in my sleep.
01:36I could write one hanging upside down.
01:37I could write one with a crayon.
01:38I could write one if I lost both my arms and had to type with my feet.
01:41I wanna watch one! Why don't you shut up and go write one?
01:46We will. Come on, Harry.
01:47Yeah, come on.
01:49Good! And when it's on TV, I'll talk all through the damn thing and see how you like it.
01:55Someone should take the probe out of his butt.
02:15So sad when a colleague leaves.
02:37You know, you really feel as though a part of yourself...
02:45So, Sonia, it's a shame we didn't have time to get to know each other better.
02:55Uh, yes, 15 years goes by rather quickly, doesn't it?
03:00Yeah. So, uh, why'd you decide to take that job at Columbia?
03:07Um, well, my mind was made up once I found out that they had the only unpublished collection
03:13of the early geometry writings of Nikolai Lobachevsky.
03:18That would be my major reason for relocating.
03:25Can you take more than one?
03:26Oh, take as much as you want. Nobody's gonna show up to this thing.
03:31You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
03:33Poor Sonia Umdahl has wasted years of her life in this stuffy, mildewed book mausoleum.
03:38The least you could do is wish her well.
03:40Yeah, shame on you.
03:43Uh, bye-bye, Sonia.
03:47She doesn't have many friends, does she?
03:49No, she's just shy and introverted and weird.
03:56Go introduce yourself.
03:57Oh, no, Mary, some of the students said that she has spiders in her hair.
04:02Get over there.
04:11Ah, Morgan's Physical Basis of Heredity.
04:15It's a quick read, although I did find the footnotes intrusive.
04:19Me too.
04:20Dick Solomon, physics department.
04:22Sonia Umdahl.
04:24I knew you two would get along.
04:27Thanks for coming.
04:30And staying.
04:32So, uh, let's go.
04:34No, no, no, no, let... I've got an idea. Let's do this right.
04:37Sonia, why don't you come over to my house tonight, say, uh, 7?
04:41And we'll fix a going-away dinner for you.
04:43I'll bring dessert.
04:44Great!
04:45Well, um...
05:01Hi, uh, excuse me, I'm looking for somebody.
05:03A big strappin' guy.
05:04Handsome.
05:05He's a cop.
05:07Hi!
05:08Here I am.
05:09Good for you, I'm looking for somebody.
05:11Salad?
05:13It's me.
05:14Don.
05:17Don?
05:20Did you shave your mustache?
05:23I never had a mustache.
05:26Are you wearing contacts?
05:28Are you wearing contacts?
05:30No, Sally, I'm wearing my glasses.
05:34Are they new?
05:35Not since eighth grade.
05:41Strictly quantum terms.
05:42Oh, of course.
05:43And just like you can have quarks and antiquarks...
05:46And neutrinos and antineutrinos.
05:48Wait a minute.
05:49Isn't a neutrino a breakfast bar?
05:53You were saying?
05:55You can actually have a particle that doesn't have a counterpart.
05:59Yeah, but it's an entity all to itself,
06:01which exists simultaneously as its own opposite.
06:03Right!
06:04The photon!
06:05The photon!
06:06Yes!
06:12Oh, Dr. Sullivan.
06:15You are a fountain of knowledge.
06:17And you are a puddle of smartness.
06:21Okay, that's it.
06:22Party's over.
06:23Drive her home.
06:25Mary, it's so early.
06:26I wanted to hear Sonia's thoughts on refraction.
06:29Oh, I'm sure it wouldn't be very interesting.
06:32Oh, Sonia, I'm sure it's fascinating,
06:34but I'd rather go to bed.
06:36So have a nice flight, drive, life.
06:39Whatever.
06:43I'm so glad we met.
06:45And I'm so glad you don't have spiders in your head.
06:49Okay, Harry.
06:50The first scene is critical.
06:52We have to hook the viewers with something exciting.
06:55How about a picnic?
06:58Picnics aren't exciting.
06:59I've been to some exciting picnics.
07:02We need something to get the juices flowing.
07:05Maybe we should start with a fight.
07:07I bet that might just work.
07:23Gully.
07:25And Mulder.
07:28At a picnic.
07:35Good morning.
07:36Yes.
07:37Isn't it?
07:39The air is crisp.
07:41Dew is...
07:42Where the hell have you been?
07:45Took Sonia home,
07:46and we were having so much fun that I spent the night.
07:49Did you have sex with her?
07:50No!
07:51I only do that with you.
07:54And sometimes Farrah Fawcett in my head.
07:58Harry, all we wanted to do was talk.
08:00Oh, come on, Dick.
08:02A man and a woman cannot connect intellectually
08:05without eventually connecting with their connectors.
08:09Are you saying that just because Sonia and I
08:11share the same intellectual interests,
08:13we're destined to share the same bed?
08:15No.
08:16Are you saying that just because Sonia and I
08:17share the same intellectual interests,
08:18we're destined to share the same bed?
08:20Yes.
08:21But that's ridiculous!
08:22Sonia's far too intelligent to have sex with me!
08:34Here you go.
08:36Nina, do you have many men friends?
08:39Oh, yeah, lots.
08:40And they're just friends you don't, you know...
08:43Oh.
08:44Then no.
08:47I think Sonia Umdahl likes Dick.
08:49So, a man would have to be a lunatic
08:52to be attracted to that woman.
08:55Uh-oh.
08:56Oh, no, Nina, I trust Dick, I really do,
08:59but there's something about that woman that bothers me.
09:05Want to know what I heard?
09:06What?
09:07Sometimes if you peek through the library window
09:09and she doesn't know you're looking,
09:10you can catch her with snakes
09:12moving all over her head.
09:14Just moving.
09:17Oh, and then I rinse,
09:19and then I repeat,
09:21and then I rinse, and then I'm done.
09:24Oh, hello, Sonia, I thought you moved.
09:27Soon, soon.
09:29I'm just tying up dead ends.
09:32Great.
09:33I, uh, understand you and Dick
09:36had an interesting conversation last night.
09:39Oh, he told you?
09:40Oh, Dick tells me everything.
09:41Uh, what she needs to know is,
09:42are you after Dick Solomon, yes or no?
09:44Oh, my God, is that what you think?
09:47That I want your boyfriend?
09:49Um, yeah.
09:52Oh, I'm so sorry.
09:53I never should have kept talking,
09:55boring him with my thoughts.
09:57Please forgive me.
09:59You're the only friend I have.
10:04I'm sorry.
10:06It's okay.
10:07I'm still your friend.
10:09So is Dick.
10:10Okay.
10:12You want to go get a cup of coffee?
10:14No.
10:15Don't just stay here for a moment.
10:17I have to get myself together
10:19before I get married.
10:22Oh, oh, okay, honey.
10:25I hope you're happy you made her cry.
10:33Hello, Professor.
10:35Sonia, I thought you left.
10:38I couldn't leave, Dr. Solomon.
10:41I couldn't leave you.
10:43Oh, I'll be all right.
10:45You can pretend all you want, Professor,
10:48but soon he sees through your little charade.
10:51Take me!
10:52Sonia, I-I can't do this with you.
10:55This is what Mary is for.
10:58Oh, come on.
11:00Do you mean to tell me
11:01you always talk calculus
11:03with women you're not attracted to?
11:06No, Sonia is itchy.
11:08Scratch her.
11:19Dick, I just want you to know
11:21I spoke with Sonia today.
11:23You did? I didn't.
11:24She considers us to be just good friends.
11:27That's all she wants.
11:28Then why did she try to do unspeakable things to me?
11:31What?
11:32Right here on this desk.
11:33Things that only you do.
11:34Not nearly often enough.
11:38I can't believe it.
11:39Believe it, Mary. She wants me.
11:41And not just my mind.
11:43She wants my body.
11:44My beautiful body.
11:46I can't believe that woman
11:48stood in my office and lied to me.
11:50But I resisted her, Mary.
11:51I-I told her I wasn't interested in her that way.
11:53I should hope so.
11:54I told her to get right out of our office.
11:56Good for you.
11:58And I promised to see her tonight.
12:00What?
12:01It's the only way I could get rid of her.
12:03The only way?
12:04Did you try a fire hose?
12:06No.
12:07But I did tell her to put her blouse back on.
12:11That was quick thinking, right?
12:14You know,
12:15I'm beginning to wonder if
12:17you're as committed to this relationship as I am.
12:19Look, tonight I'm gonna tell her.
12:20I-I can't see her anymore.
12:22Good.
12:23Because it's either me
12:24or the spider woman.
12:28Oh.
12:29I'm the devil's candy.
12:34Sally?
12:38Yeah?
12:40I've been thinking about what happened last night.
12:42Well, here's what I'm thinking.
12:47I'm thinking I'm a starving woman
12:49and you're the blue plate special
12:50at the Beef and Griddle.
12:54You had me worried.
12:55I thought we took the midnight train to Splitsville.
12:57Well,
12:58we may have crossed signals at the last junction,
13:00but now we're back on track.
13:02All aboard?
13:10Okay.
13:11They run down the hallway.
13:12A government agent is waiting.
13:14He shoots.
13:15He hits the agent.
13:16But he's wearing a bulletproof vest.
13:18Mulder runs.
13:19The agent follows.
13:20He traps Mulder in the hallway.
13:21He kills Mulder!
13:25You're brilliant.
13:26Oh, thank you, and you're a genius.
13:27True, but you're the best.
13:28Back at ya, and you are super.
13:30We're both great!
13:33All right.
13:34Let's get that down.
13:35Okay, buddy.
13:37What'd we say?
13:38I don't remember.
13:55Dr. Salomon, I know you're tired.
13:58Dr. Salomon, I knew you'd come.
14:00Sonia, I have something to tell you.
14:05You are a brilliant, beautiful, fascinating woman.
14:10Let's go to bed.
14:11All right.
14:13No, no, no.
14:15What I mean is,
14:16I'm sorry if I've misled you in any way,
14:19but my heart, my mind, and Mr. Wigley
14:22all belong to Mary Oldman.
14:29Oh, really?
14:31Then I have something to tell you, my darling,
14:34but my words would be hollow
14:36unless sung.
14:37Please sit.
14:44First there was Newton
14:47who could tell how things fell,
14:49but I never have fallen that way.
14:54Then there was Hawking
14:56who told of black holes,
14:59but I've never been sucked in per se.
15:04And no one but Einstein
15:07has made me feel as fine
15:11as Salomon's made me today.
15:18I gotta go.
15:19You've awakened my passion, Dick Salomon.
15:22You've made physics a physical thing.
15:25I did?
15:26Electronics magnetic.
15:27Her energy's kinetic.
15:29My harmonic is oscillating.
15:32Oh, my.
15:33You've awakened my passion, Dick Salomon.
15:36Please stop.
15:37You've made my life turn on a dime.
15:41She was.
15:43I know this sounds crass,
15:48but your energy times my mass
15:57will create an explosion through time.
16:01Oh, no, you can't do this.
16:02It's not yet done.
16:03Oh, my God, we're skipping.
16:07Oh, my God.
16:14Can't you see it's bigger than both of us?
16:18Thank you, but I have to go.
16:35I love walking in the rain.
16:37It's fun.
16:39Really?
16:40I found it tedious.
16:42Maybe that's because I was with you.
16:45Oh, Don, this isn't working.
16:47Yeah, I kind of got that vibe.
16:50I'm sorry, Don.
16:53I'm sorry, too.
16:55Oh, look.
16:56The sun came out.
16:58Yeah, but not for us.
17:01Well, goodbye, Sally.
17:05It was nice while it lasted.
17:08Goodbye, Don.
17:09Hold on a minute there!
17:14Maybe I've been a little hasty.
17:17Freeze!
17:19I may not have officially made detective yet,
17:22but I think I figured out what's going on here.
17:25You're not in love with me.
17:27You're in love with the uniform.
17:30Would you be right?
17:32Could my attraction to you be completely superficial?
17:40I'm afraid so.
17:41What does this mean for us, Don?
17:43I'll tell you what it means.
17:45It means you'll never see me out of uniform again.
17:48Hot dog!
17:50And you know, I've got a hat, too.
17:55Wear it.
17:58Oh, it's you.
18:00Hello, Sonia.
18:03I just spoke to Dick.
18:05I believe we have a problem.
18:07I don't see your boyfriend wanting me as a problem.
18:11Let's get down to business, shall we?
18:14I'm sorry.
18:15I'm sorry.
18:16I'm sorry.
18:17I'm sorry.
18:18I'm sorry.
18:19I'm sorry.
18:20I'm sorry.
18:21I'm sorry.
18:22I'm sorry.
18:23I'm sorry.
18:24I'm sorry.
18:25I'm sorry.
18:26Let's get down to business, shall we?
18:28No!
18:29Dick, I told you to wait in the car!
18:31I can't allow women to fight over me,
18:33not even if they're wearing bikinis and a big tub of mud!
18:40We're not going to fight.
18:43Let's just settle this once and for all, shall we?
18:46Dick, are you interested in Sonia romantically?
18:48Well, she's very smart and very attractive.
18:51Dick!
18:52But no, Mary, I love you!
18:55All right, game over.
18:57The game's not over till I say it's over.
19:00Is the game over?
19:01No!
19:03Sonia, stay away from my man!
19:05He'll be mine soon!
19:07Not while I'm still breathing.
19:09Then I'll just have to stop you from breathing, won't I?
19:14Wait, wait, hold on.
19:16Can we please just be friends?
19:20Someone use a boost!
19:25I can't! I can't!
19:31Game over. Let's go.
19:33Oh!
19:35Oh, my God!
19:37Mary!
19:39I am so turned on!
19:51Ah, my little tigress.
19:54Once again, I must tell you how magnificent you were.
19:57I was pretty terrific, wasn't I?
20:00Dick, does Sonia have something I don't have?
20:03Oh, yes. A gargoyle door knocker.
20:08I mean, do I stimulate you enough intellectually?
20:11Oh, Mary.
20:14No.
20:15What?
20:16Nobody does.
20:17That's not what I want from you, Mary.
20:20I want to hear about your day, what you had for lunch,
20:23why you got so mad at the dry cleaners,
20:25your charmingly misguided theories on evolution.
20:29Your voice, Mary.
20:31I want to hear your beautiful voice.
20:34Mary.
20:35What?
20:37You're hurting my hand.
20:49Well, that's it!
20:50Two and a half pounds of X-Files gold.
20:53Let's send it off.
20:54Pleasure working with you, my man.
20:55Effortless.
20:56Seamless.
20:57You know, it's times like these it makes me proud
20:58to be an alien posing as a human being writer.
21:06Times like these, I wish I'd numbered the pages.