Kevin Reacts to Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps S1E1
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00:00Hello everybody, welcome back to the channel.
00:14My name is Kevin, I'm a geek here while watching Kevin the Geek and today I am doing something
00:19new for the channel and this is a TV show that quite possibly has one of the longest
00:24names ever.
00:26This is Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
00:29This is a show that I technically have seen because this is a show that always seemed
00:35to be on BBC3 and things like that, like really late at night, so quite often, like for example
00:43my uni years I remember coming in really drunk after a night out and I'm hanging, I'm eating
00:50my kebab or something and I'm just flicking on TV and this might be on and I just kind
00:55of vaguely like pay attention to it but it's one of those that you're like, I'm about to
01:01fall asleep, probably have my head in my lap in my kebab.
01:04So yeah, I don't really know that much about it even though I have technically seen it
01:10so I thought what better way to try and learn a bit about it, a little bit better is by
01:15watching the very first episode, an episode which is called Fags, Shags and Kebabs.
01:22So that's going to be interesting to see what it's like.
01:26Please subscribe if you're new.
01:27Please do consider joining my Patreon where you can get exclusive and early access to
01:32content but for now, let's check out this first episode.
01:35Oh, I vaguely remember this theme tune.
01:51I'll have a part of lager, please!
02:05I never could hear what that second line was, I don't remember that.
02:09Fags, shags and kebabs.
02:11Gats, why haven't you got a girlfriend?
02:15Because I like my freedom.
02:16See I'm a man about town, me, you know, man of mystery.
02:19See you all, say nothing.
02:22Yeah, that's just like me nan, you know.
02:26Since the lobotomy, you know.
02:29Sees all, says nothing.
02:32Eats a bit of shepherd's pie, says nothing.
02:37No, no, I go with the flow, you know, keep it casual.
02:40Single dude with his mind on his...
02:42Food?
02:44Let's go with food.
02:45If you were to go out with a woman, what would she be like then?
02:48Well, blonde, definitely blonde.
02:51Never dated a brunette in my life.
02:53How come?
02:53I had Sue Lawley nightmares as a child.
02:57OK, so she's blonde, what else?
02:59Nice smile, you know, well stocked fridge.
03:03Important.
03:04Text me to the pictures on my birthday, you know, as a Ford Mondeo.
03:10Really? That's...
03:12Unless we stay out as late as I want as well.
03:14You've just described your mother.
03:20Oh no, I'm pitching my mum naked now.
03:23Oh, no, no, we don't want that, we don't want that.
03:27Right, before we start, because I know I'll get it in the comments,
03:30I do recognise both of these.
03:32Of course, Mr Anthony Royal from the Royal Family, Ralph Little.
03:37Oh, I guess this must have been his first kind of show
03:42where he was a sort of a, like, more of a main character.
03:45I'm guessing, after the Royal Family,
03:47because obviously he was very young when he did that.
03:49The guy on the right, I don't remember his name,
03:52but he was in an episode of Fat Friends
03:58that I reacted to recently on the channel.
04:01He was the boyfriend of...
04:05She's the woman who was trying to be an actress, Lauren.
04:09She's, like, really skinny, but she's like,
04:10oh, I've got a big bum and everything.
04:12That's where I know him from.
04:13Oh, no, no, no, no, I am as well.
04:19Oh, no!
04:23Hey, we look like we're auditioning for Rain Man, yeah?
04:32Maybe I should get myself a girlfriend.
04:34No, no, you've got to stick to your role of single friend
04:37so that you can get me out of the house
04:38while Janet de-louses the sofa.
04:41Yeah, I'll stick to my pornography.
04:42At least I won't embarrass me in front of my mates
04:43when I take it down to the pub.
04:46Why would you take porn to the pub?
04:50Donna?
04:58No.
04:59Why?
05:01Oh, that's...
05:06What's-her-face from Benidorm.
05:07She was the one Liam was constantly hankering after.
05:10Oh, and we've got Sheridan Smith in the middle.
05:12Janet?
05:13No.
05:14Why?
05:15I'm a student.
05:16I can't afford cigarettes.
05:18Why don't you get a job, Louise?
05:20Then you can finance your own lung cancer.
05:22Well, I've never had a job.
05:23Oh, it's like the Queen.
05:24Yeah, but with better hair.
05:27What's the job going here?
05:29You'd make a great barmaid.
05:30No, are you being Australian?
05:32I'm English, Donna.
05:33Yeah, sorry.
05:34See, capacity for alcohol confuses me sometimes.
05:37No, you're right, though.
05:38I'd make a great barmaid, even without experience.
05:41More wine, gentlemen?
05:42Oh, capital idea.
05:44Cinzano, ladies?
05:45Oh, you're spoiling us.
05:46Here's 20 quid.
05:49Okay.
05:50Louise, it's a job in the Mayhew.
05:53People here are happy if their beer doesn't taste too much like beef.
05:56I'm going to apply.
05:58And I'm one of the best barmaids you've ever seen.
06:00And with the money I make in tips, I'll buy us all a lovely box of fags.
06:04I'd better get off, actually.
06:06Johnny'll be home soon.
06:08I wish I had a boyfriend.
06:10But you could easily get a boyfriend.
06:11What about that Colin you went out with the other week?
06:14What, the drain guy?
06:16I like you, Donna.
06:17You're like a rat.
06:18It's all in the face.
06:20There are no men left.
06:21There's loads of men.
06:22You can find one on every street corner.
06:25You know, that's whores, Johnny.
06:28I know what.
06:29Why don't you come home with me tonight?
06:31Johnny always brings his mate Gaz back on a Thursday.
06:33Is he nice?
06:34Well, he's a bit thick, so conversation's not his strong point.
06:37He's very masculine, so commitment might be a problem.
06:40But Johnny did say he was hung like a donkey.
06:42Sounds all right, then.
06:45I've got an interview tomorrow.
06:47Piano and black, ladies.
06:50No!
06:54How did you get to keep Johnny?
06:56I got into his head.
06:57It's amazing what a bit of male psychological manipulation can do.
07:01And getting me baps out on our first date didn't really help.
07:05Oh, hiya.
07:06You all right?
07:08Hello.
07:09Hello, baby.
07:10Right, so that's Johnny.
07:11Oh, hiya, Donna.
07:12I can't believe you haven't met Donna, have you?
07:13Nope.
07:14Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have.
07:15You picked us up from football, I must remember.
07:16Oh, right, yeah.
07:17Didn't recognise you without the B.O.
07:21Great start, Donna.
07:23So, you're still into your football, then?
07:25Yeah, well, I don't play as much anymore, you know, not since the injury.
07:29It was only a bruise.
07:31The doctor said I had a strained bollock.
07:35That's the actual medical term for it.
07:37Donna loves football, don't you?
07:39Oh, Man United, away the two, normie.
07:43That's Newcastle.
07:44That's Newcastle.
07:45Well, you didn't let me finish.
07:46As I was saying, away the two, normie.
07:49Stinks.
07:50Yeah, well, I don't like Newcastle either.
07:52No, there's no Miss Selfridge's there.
07:55Ignore him, he hasn't got a clue about football.
07:57Well, I'm starving.
07:59You know, we should have picked up that curry on the way back.
08:01Oh, Donna likes her curry, don't you?
08:04Vindaloo, yeah, with pickled whole chillies on the side.
08:09Christ, I want to see your bathroom the next morning.
08:11No, keep it chill, Donna.
08:13No, not at all.
08:14Arse of steel, me.
08:15Yeah?
08:16She could pass a cruise liner, could I, Donna?
08:19I've got to say, I'm impressed.
08:20Really?
08:21Yeah.
08:22Yes, of course, it's always impressive to men when a girl's skill lies in crapping.
08:29Er, and she can drink too, can't you, Don?
08:32Oh, yeah, five pints, still standing.
08:34Five pints isn't that much.
08:36Did I say five? I meant fiveteen.
08:41What a great bloke.
08:44Yeah, you try way too hard there, Donna.
08:46You're not gay, are you, love?
08:48Oh!
08:49Oh, er, that's, er, oh, what's her face?
08:52Steve, er, Steve O'Donnell's mum from Corrie.
08:55No.
08:56Celibate, then?
08:57No.
08:58Because that is something you don't want to be doing.
09:00Once you've dried up, it never comes back.
09:02Oh!
09:04Got no intention of drying up.
09:07You know your auntie Betty, the nun, creaks when she walks now.
09:10Oh, thanks for that image.
09:12Don't you remember your cousin Jade's christening?
09:14Betty, late, running into the church.
09:17Sounded like a seal sanctuary.
09:20Great.
09:21I'm not gay, or celibate, or creaky.
09:27What is it, then?
09:28Do you just repel men?
09:31I've got a date, actually.
09:33Don't wound me with your desperate lies, Donna, a mother knows.
09:38I'm not lying.
09:40So what's his name?
09:41It's Gaz.
09:44Gaz?
09:46My God.
09:48Sebastian or Toby, too much to ask for.
09:52Well, they're Labrador names.
09:53Beggars can't be choosers.
09:57Janet, it's me.
09:58Yeah.
09:59Right, I need a man.
10:00Well, what about Gaz?
10:11Oh, no!
10:12Oh, oh!
10:16Ah, well, that's me first question answered.
10:19What?
10:20Do you smoke?
10:21Oh, this?
10:21Oh, no, I've not got what you call a habit or anything.
10:24What, but you've only been here a couple of minutes.
10:26You've already smoked that one down to the filter.
10:27It's not mine.
10:29I was finishing it for a friend.
10:31There's no one else here.
10:33So, either you have smoked that entire cigarette,
10:36or I have smoked that entire cigarette.
10:39Either you have smoked that entire cigarette in 30 seconds flat,
10:42or you've picked an old butt out of the ashtray.
10:46I see.
10:48Listen, can we start again, please?
10:51Right, okay, yeah, fine.
10:53First question, do you smoke?
10:55No.
10:55Okay.
10:58You ever worked in a bar before?
10:59Not exactly, but I used to play netball.
11:04Excuse me?
11:05Teamwork.
11:05Okay.
11:06Okay, Louise, look, we've got lots of candidates to send.
11:11That means you hate me.
11:12And I'm so nice.
11:14Listen, I really need this job.
11:16I'm a student.
11:17Look, we need somebody with experience,
11:18somebody who could play as part of a team.
11:20Uh-huh-huh.
11:23Yeah, lovely.
11:24Please.
11:26I can't afford to eat.
11:28Here.
11:30This should keep you going for an hour or so.
11:31Huh.
11:32Bam.
11:38What's in Titanic?
11:41Oh.
11:41Yeah.
11:42Oh.
11:43Oh!
11:47Gaz and Donna got on well last night, didn't they?
11:48I am not setting them up, all right?
11:51Gaz does not want a girlfriend, end of story.
11:54Cheers.
11:55Oh!
11:58Oh!
12:00Oh!
12:03Well, if you don't do this for me, Johnny, then I will cry.
12:07Well, go on, then.
12:09Well, okay.
12:10All right.
12:16Right, that's it.
12:22Johnny, look what you've done.
12:25Look at me.
12:25Oh!
12:31Just withhold sex, I should do it.
12:33No, no, no, no, no.
12:34No crying in the kitchen, you'll upset my cosmic balance.
12:38Well, okay, then, until you ask Gaz out,
12:40I am not going to have sex with you.
12:42There you go.
12:43Janet, you know I can hold out longer than any other man I know.
12:47Yeah, I know.
12:48Oh.
12:50Look, I don't want Gaz to go out with Donna, all right?
12:53I mean, it'll be scrabble evenings and fondue parties,
12:57and you'll follow us around making us biscuits.
12:59What, do you live in the 70s?
13:01You love biscuits.
13:03Anyway, we could all go to the circus together.
13:05It'd be fun.
13:07No, it won't.
13:08We'll turn into couple-y couples.
13:11I saw it happen to me mum and dad and Mr. and Mrs. Pritchard.
13:13You know, first came the rambling weekends and then the museum visits.
13:18And then they met these other couples and started this really weird
13:21car key-swapping thing on a Friday night and...
13:24Um...
13:25Do you want to invite Donna and Jacqueline Stewart?
13:28That was a joke, wasn't it?
13:29What's so funny about driving someone else's car?
13:33Nothing.
13:36Yeah, they were driving the other car.
13:37No, so Johnny's definitely going to ask Gaz that, definitely.
13:41And if he doesn't, I'm going to tell Gaz what his favourite film is.
13:44What is it?
13:46Titanic.
13:47I don't know if it's a sentimentality or just simply Kate Winslet's tits,
13:50but he's seen it 17 times.
13:5217 times?
13:53I'd go with both.
13:54More times than I've seen naked men, though.
13:56Well, how many naked men have you seen?
13:5816 and a half.
14:00Half?
14:01You only have one bollock.
14:03That's not half a man!
14:04Anyway, with my expert blackmailing skills and Johnny's amazing powers of persuasion,
14:08the date is as good as secured.
14:12Gaz?
14:12Yeah?
14:13Do you want to go out with Donna?
14:15No.
14:17Pipe, man.
14:18Oh, yeah.
14:20Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
14:22Hey!
14:23Excuse me?
14:24Yeah?
14:25Did Louise get the job?
14:26No.
14:27What? Why not?
14:28Well, she had a great set and fantastic ball skills.
14:31But she was also a complete dickhead.
14:33Wow.
14:35She wants to be noted for her talents rather than her huge international CV.
14:39How impressive.
14:41She pulls out for a bag of peanuts.
14:49Wow.
14:51So, what does this Gaz boy do, then?
14:56Is he a doctor?
14:57You girls with your modern ways only get to meet doctors.
15:00Well, I don't know any doctors.
15:03What about when we had to take you to Dr. Brent for your knicker trouble?
15:06Mum, firstly, I was 13.
15:09Secondly, the problem was thrush.
15:11The only knicker trouble turned out to be the nylon variety that you insisted I wear.
15:14Oh.
15:15Well, you don't want to get a chill down there, do you?
15:18And don't say thrush.
15:20Say little bird.
15:26Although mine was more like the Greater Burning Yeast Pigeon.
15:31Thanks for that image.
15:31You'll never get a man with a mouth like an airy-ass nabbit.
15:34No.
15:34I told you already.
15:35I've got a date.
15:43Oh, there's no need for that.
15:50Oh.
16:02Oh.
16:10Okay.
16:11I never watch Hollyoaks.
16:14It's a very...
16:17I'm trying to think how best to describe this show.
16:19It's very much a northern teen kind of show, isn't it?
16:25You know, the language, the very, very heavy sexual references.
16:32And it's northern.
16:34Which suits me down to ground.
16:36It pretty much ticks all of our boxes, to be fair.
16:47More peanuts?
16:49Wow.
16:58That's a very different friendship.
17:00What style sign are you?
17:01Aries.
17:02The ram, of course.
17:06Says here you are ruthless, ambitious and sporty.
17:10That's about right.
17:12And that your best feature is your perfect bosom.
17:20You felt it, didn't you?
17:22It's all right, eh?
17:24Didn't I tell you it could be too close to a person, Johnny?
17:26Yeah.
17:26You're not allowed in here.
17:27This is the boys' pub.
17:28Yeah, we are the boys.
17:29And no girls allowed.
17:31I've come to persuade Gaz to go on this date.
17:33No.
17:33Right then.
17:34Yeah.
17:34Sound.
17:35Oh, come on, Gaz.
17:37Donna's great for you.
17:39She's strong and feminine.
17:41What, like a really good deodorant?
17:42Well, I was going to say, like Susan Sarandon.
17:45Susan Sarandon, ginger pubes, end of story.
17:49Well, she can cook.
17:50So can Gary Rhodes.
17:53No, I'm not attracted to Gary Rhodes.
17:54No, neither am I.
17:55But if he could clean as well, I'd slip him one.
17:59Oh, please, Gaz, I'll do whatever you want.
18:01Well, if Johnny doesn't mind.
18:02Yeah, go for it.
18:03Oh, not that.
18:04Well, then, you have nothing I want.
18:07Well, I have a signed photo of Adam, would you?
18:14That Ian Beale?
18:16No.
18:17Although very generous.
18:20Oh, come on, Gaz, I've promised her now.
18:24She puts out for a bag of peanuts.
18:25Does she?
18:25No.
18:28Johnny.
18:29Does she say that about everyone?
18:32Goodfellas.
18:35Oh, really?
18:35You see, I seem to think that it was...
18:37Do you know, Gaz, I think you should go out with her.
18:39I mean, you know, it's only one night.
18:41All right.
18:42But if she offers me a woodbine or scratches her balls, I'm out of there.
18:46You won't regret it, Gaz.
18:48She wasn't being herself the other night, you know.
18:49She was just trying to impress you because she fancies you so much.
18:52No girls allowed.
18:53All right, I'm going.
19:00So, she really fancies me.
19:04Donna fancies me loads.
19:08I'm sorry, mate, I just...
19:12What is that look on your face?
19:13I'm smug, Johnny.
19:17I'm really smug.
19:18What are you wearing?
19:26It's my dress for my date tonight.
19:28My God, I thought it was one of my house coats.
19:32Yes, I thought you were going to say something like that.
19:33I have also had my hair done.
19:35Yes, I think it looks rather...
19:37What?
19:37Like a cat's been sick on it, I suppose.
19:40No, I was going to say, I think it looks rather nice, actually.
19:44Oh, thank you.
19:45Mind, if I were you, I'd have asked them to hide me ears.
19:47But you'd take after Uncle Charlie for that.
19:50Just wish me luck.
19:52Remember, use the Morgan family charm.
19:54Our second name's Henshaw.
19:56Yeah, but that Marie Morgan you used to play with, she were lovely.
20:05There you go.
20:06Oh, my word.
20:08Two pints of Guinness.
20:11I told you I'd make a great barmaid.
20:15It's like drinking a cloud.
20:18Now, I'm really nosy,
20:19so I'm going to stand here and listen to what you're all saying about me.
20:22Look, Louise, can you just go and get me a Cinzano, please?
20:26Yes, my first Cinzano.
20:28Ice and lemon.
20:28We don't care if you put arse in it, Louise, just go.
20:30I... I... I...
20:32Mind if you put arse in it?
20:33Go!
20:34Yes, Louise, just go.
20:36We are the couples and no singles allowed.
20:39What's wrong with you, Johnny?
20:41You look like you've started your period.
20:45I'm having a great time.
20:46It's got all this double dating stuff, hasn't it?
20:48Yeah, yeah, it's great.
20:49A round of drinks is twice as expensive,
20:51we have to talk about emotions,
20:52and we can't stare at other women's tits.
20:56Johnny, you are ruining this.
20:58Yeah, that's the plan.
20:59We don't have to talk about emotions.
21:01Yeah, we can talk about football, can't we, Donna?
21:03That's right, because you're such a big United fan, aren't you, Johnny?
21:08I'm a City fan myself, so...
21:10Well, they're nice.
21:12So, how long have you been supporting United, then?
21:15I'd love to know.
21:16Johnny? Well, since I was seven.
21:19Oh, right, so that would be, what, 1985?
21:24I... I... Who was the star player back then?
21:27I can't remember.
21:29Well, that would be Johnny...
21:33...Vandegaz.
21:36Johnny Vandegaz?
21:39Look, can we talk about something else now?
21:41I'm not really interested in football.
21:43Oh, okay.
21:44Donna, your last boyfriend, he dumped you, didn't he?
21:47Well, then again, he might argue with men in small shorts.
21:50Yeah.
21:50And what did you do after he did that?
21:53I got on with my life.
21:54You don't let the bastards ground you down, and that.
21:57Yes, you got on with your life,
22:00straight after you slept with his best mate and killed his budgie.
22:02Johnny, stop it!
22:05Wasn't me who killed the budgie, Johnny.
22:07It was the Domestos.
22:08Johnny, what you got to be so weird for?
22:10Yeah, if you don't stop this, Johnny, I'm going home.
22:12And Donna, what about that time when you drank so much vermouth
22:16you had to go to the doctors because your wee-wee had turned black?
22:20I'd love to explore that in more depth.
22:21Right, that is it, I'm going.
22:26Damn.
22:29What's Johnny's problem?
22:30Films.
22:31Yeah, everybody likes films, so, um, who's your favourite guy, Spiccino or De Niro?
22:34Neither, he hates brunettes.
22:37He hates brunettes.
22:38So, Donna, who's your favourite, Solskjaer or Owen?
22:42I'd have to say Michael Owen.
22:44Why?
22:44Well, Michael Owen...
22:45Yes?
22:46...has a lovely, lovely smile.
22:50So does Olly Good in Solskjaer.
22:52We should do this again, you know.
22:54Oh, oh, I get it.
22:55Yeah, you're getting to know each other.
22:57Yeah, you're gonna, you're gonna move and set up home in suburbia
23:00and have tiny little babies.
23:02You are set for a life of Ikea, weird parent-style sex,
23:06and boggle, okay?
23:08I can't watch this anymore, I'm leaving.
23:11It's over between you and me, guys, it's over.
23:14You can take this cheap piece of tin I bought off you.
23:19You heed my words, any relationship arising out of a blind date is doomed.
23:23Doomed, I tell you.
23:25All right, Johnny, go and have your period.
23:30I don't feel too doomed.
23:33Me neither.
23:34All right, all right, whose undies would you prefer to eat, all right?
23:39David Hasselhoff's or Peter Stringfella's?
23:44Well, I know that Peter Stringfella wears a G-string,
23:47so I could floss my teeth with them afterwards.
23:49And it would also make an interestingly flavoured alternative to gum.
23:54So where would you prefer to be now?
23:56At the cup final or here with me?
23:57Cup final.
24:01This is honest.
24:03You'd prefer to be at the cup final than here with me?
24:06Yeah, of course.
24:07I don't believe this.
24:08Whenever I meet a nice man, football always gets in the way.
24:10You sound like grey in my soul.
24:13Oh, don't go.
24:15Well, it depends what the seats were like.
24:17I beg your pardon?
24:19Come on, you made it said.
24:20It'll only take 20 seconds.
24:21Look, I'm fat, desperate and very inexperienced.
24:26I quit.
24:27I can't believe someone like me would want to work in this dump in the first place, you
24:31shister.
24:34I'm worth a bag of peanuts, love.
24:37Right, mate, how's your mouthful of salty nuts?
24:44Mate, if you're going to sell yourself off for a bag of peanuts,
24:47you trust me, you ain't worth a woman.
24:53All right?
24:54Hiya.
24:55Where's Cass?
24:57Well, he's hopefully lying in a pool of vomit somewhere being buggered by Mr. T.
25:02What did he do?
25:03I mean, face all Hannibal, maybe, but Mr. T?
25:08Just once, once, in my short, sexually unsatisfying life,
25:12I thought I'd met someone who could really...
25:14Give you one?
25:17Yeah.
25:17I just wanted what you've got, you know,
25:19somebody who gives you toast the morning after instead of crabs.
25:23But then you come to realise it's not meant to be.
25:25How you and John are, you're meant to be.
25:28You've got something really special there.
25:30And to live with each other and bounce back after all those setbacks.
25:35And to just love each other.
25:36What setbacks?
25:38Not for me, eh?
25:40I'll have to resign myself to married bouncers with perms.
25:44Waiting.
25:45Endlessly waiting for the cold fingers of death to grip my heart.
25:49And end the loneliness that's curdled and milked my heart.
25:51How old are you, love?
25:52Usual, love.
25:54Cheers, man.
25:57Look, whatever Gaz said, I'm sure he didn't mean it.
26:00He said he'd rather go to the cup final than be with me.
26:04Oh, well, yeah, maybe he did mean it.
26:07Yeah, he is a bloke, after all.
26:08Donald, you should never ask a man that question again.
26:11It's the cup final.
26:14Yeah.
26:15You could tell he liked you, you know.
26:17Really?
26:18Yeah.
26:19Don't ruin something that could be really special.
26:22Look, I'll give you his number.
26:25OK.
26:28There you go.
26:30You know what, Johnny?
26:31What?
26:33Don, it's really lucky.
26:34Thanks.
26:44I know this must be true.
26:50Thank God for Johnny, eh?
26:52Sorry.
26:55Oh.
27:00Relationships, eh?
27:01Yeah.
27:02Monogamy should be made obsolete.
27:05I like that concept.
27:06And then if you wanted to sleep with someone,
27:08you could just come right up to him and say it.
27:10It's an excellent, excellent brain you've got there, you know.
27:14And nobody would use the C word.
27:16Hold on a minute.
27:17We've got to have a pet name for the Leeds United fans.
27:21Commitment.
27:25Donna, I think I'm not falling in love with you.
27:34Do you want some wine?
27:34It's Blue Nun.
27:36No.
27:37I've had enough coffee, though.
27:38All right.
27:55Oh.
28:08Man pad.
28:09All over.
28:13What's this?
28:15Uh, that.
28:16Nudie bags.
28:17Porn.
28:18That, um, yeah, that would be porn.
28:20Yeah.
28:22Own it, man.
28:23Johnny was right.
28:25There are no good men out there.
28:27Don't tell me you're against pornography.
28:28You were just about to sleep with someone you've only just met.
28:31No, I'm fine with porn.
28:33What I'm not fine with is enough porn to keep the entire British forces
28:37from missing their girlfriends.
28:38That is...
28:39She's got a point there.
28:39It's not mine.
28:41I'm looking after it for a friend.
28:43Yeah, well, Johnny...
28:45Who's your friend?
28:46Hugh Hefner?
28:47It's just pictures.
28:49It's art.
28:50Art?
28:51Half a sheep in formaldehyde is art.
28:54You're a dirty little scumbag and you're not fit to lick my boots.
28:58You're a dirty, creepy...
29:00Oh, my God.
29:01You're getting turned on by this.
29:05Mistress.
29:08I'm so wrong about you.
29:10All right, yeah, you were wrong about me twice.
29:12Now leave me alone to clear up my porn in peace.
29:14Come on, you slug.
29:16With your porn and your teeth and your hair and your lovely tight jeans and your...
29:21Porn?
29:22And your porn.
29:23I'm off.
29:24Fine.
29:25Go then.
29:26Fine.
29:27Well, I'm going.
29:28Good.
29:28Unless you want to shag me first.
29:30Well, yes, I do.
29:31Well, come on, then.
29:31Fine, then.
29:38Oh, I'm so excited.
29:39Don't know what to expect.
29:43Oh, lovely.
29:48Johnny, I think I've mutated.
29:50You're all right.
29:50That's just minced up cow's guts.
29:52It'll come off.
29:54That's all right, then.
29:56Why didn't you follow me out the pub before?
29:59Most boyfriends would have done.
30:00I could have been raped on the way home, Johnny.
30:02Raped or pillaged.
30:03Whatever pillaging is.
30:05I think it's where they stick something hot in your ear.
30:08Anyway, you ruined two people's chances tonight of happiness.
30:11Just because you and Gaz want to do your own little cuddly things.
30:13I mean, why don't you just go and move in with Gaz?
30:15I bet he can't lick his own nipples.
30:16He's really cruel of you, Johnny.
30:18Really bitter and twisted.
30:19Can I get a word in now?
30:21Sure.
30:23Hello.
30:24Yeah, Donna, hiya.
30:26Oh, no, bloody Johnny, I've just been having a...
30:29What?
30:31Did he?
30:32But Johnny did.
30:34Did ya?
30:36You dirty, dirty girl.
30:39Two hours, no way.
30:41God, I bet his face was sore.
30:46I don't need to say anything.
30:53I'm the hero.
30:55And I want my reward.
30:58You know what to do.
31:01Oh, no Titanic again.
31:16Oh, what a matter, okay.
31:21He really has left me.
31:24He's not been back all night, Louise.
31:26I should have taken his bastardry more seriously.
31:29Oh, there, there.
31:31And now he's probably chapped up with some blonde aerobics instructor
31:35who actually cleans the oven.
31:38Cleans the oven?
31:38Hasn't he? He's probably just gonna run over or something.
31:43Okay.
31:47All right, there we go.
31:48Again, that's the end of the episode.
31:49Right, I like to try and stick...
31:51See if there's like an end credits thing.
31:55If that's how it continues, it will just be a kind of a next time,
31:59but within the credits.
32:02Interesting way of how you do it.
32:05I enjoyed that.
32:07It took a little bit longer, I think, maybe than usual for me to sort of ease into it.
32:13I think some shows are like that, you have to kind of feel your way in, you know.
32:20Because I was thinking, I don't know.
32:22Is he a bit too crude?
32:24Is it a bit too much?
32:26I don't know.
32:27By the end of that episode,
32:31and obviously you've got to take into consideration
32:33who the target audience would be, you know.
32:36So a 50 year old woman most likely probably isn't going to be your target audience.
32:43It is more likely going to be your sort of anywhere from maybe 15 to 25 year olds.
32:51Something like that.
32:52That would probably be your key main demographic for a show like this.
32:59And it didn't go kind of how I thought it would go based on the first couple of minutes.
33:09It's a strange one.
33:11So you have the fact that you've got two blokes, two gals.
33:17They're there, they're talking about sex and, you know, God knows what else.
33:24And then all of a sudden you've got a guy from,
33:29clearly from a sort of a council estate-y kind of area of like Manchester,
33:35who is, you know, his favorite movie is Titanic.
33:40And he's talking about biscuits a lot.
33:42And he's, despite him being what?
33:46Probably like 18, 19, something like that.
33:48He's worried about the future and ramble holidays and all this kind of stuff that he's just like.
33:57This just isn't going where I thought it was going to go.
34:01I thought it was going to be a bit more like,
34:03I thought it was going to go.
34:04I thought it was going to be really disgusting, really crude.
34:08I don't know.
34:09There's something about that episode that just kind of grabbed me.
34:16And yes, it is one of them sitcoms that, again, from just the first episode,
34:22it feels a bit like it's a, yeah, it's a bit of a cringe one.
34:27But it's cringey and it's not cringey and it is all at the same time.
34:33It's obviously been in my mid thirties now.
34:36You know, I'm at that point where I can go, oh, that is a bit cringe.
34:40Whereas had I watched it at 19, I'm like, yeah, that is amazing.
34:45Yeah.
34:45You know, so it all comes down to perspectives at the end of the day.
34:50But I will say that from what I saw of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps,
34:57I liked what I saw.
34:59And it's given me enough to think maybe if I continue this in the future,
35:05maybe this is something I'm going to really, really, really, really enjoy.
35:09But the problem, as always, is trying to fit it in.
35:12So I have no idea if or when I will get around to a second episode.
35:17If you really like this, let me know.
35:20And obviously, the more people that like it, the more people that say,
35:23I want you to do more of it,
35:24means that it's more likely I'm going to try and bump it up the schedule
35:28and try and get it, you know, done a little bit more frequently.
35:32But that's going to do it for today.
35:34So of course, if you're new, please do consider subscribing to the channel.
35:37Please do consider joining my Patreon where you can get early access to my footage,
35:41plus other stuff as well.
35:42And of course, as always, do not forget to drop your comments down below.
35:46Let me know your thoughts of the show, of this episode,
35:49what you think in general, without giving spoilers, of course.
35:52That's going to do it for today.
35:54So until next time, my name's Kevin.
35:56I am a geek.
35:58And you've been watching Kevin the Geek.
36:00Goodbye.