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00:00What defines someone to be a narcissist?
00:02I would say if that's six I gave you, I'd expect to see all six, really, to call someone narcissistic.
00:07Why would somebody be a narcissist? What creates that?
00:12That's a really good question. It's what we call a rubber band theory.
00:16Have you ever met someone who has been classified as a narcissist, then be declassified as a narcissist?
00:23We put 90% of our energy into our dysfunctional relationships
00:27and only give 10% to those good loving people who have our backs.
00:31Flip that. Flip that, yes.
00:33A narcissist is, let's talk about it in terms of sort of the key kinds of pillars, if you will.
00:38It's a person who lacks empathy, who's really entitled, meaning that they expect special
00:43treatment to be given to them, but nobody else. They're very grandiose. They harbor huge fantasies.
00:49They only want to affiliate with people they think are as cool or as interesting as they are.
00:54They're very superficial. They're very concerned about their appearance,
00:57the appearance of people around them. I always think of them as beautiful facades with
01:01not a lot behind them. They don't regulate their emotions very well.
01:06They're very prone to throwing tantrums, getting angry very quickly,
01:09especially if they don't get their way. They can be really hypersensitive to criticism.
01:14They're willing to dole it out, but they absolutely can't take it.
01:18Those are some of the key elements we see in a person who's narcissistic.
01:22Why would somebody be a narcissist?
01:26Narcissism is really a byproduct of simultaneously overindulging and underindulging a child,
01:33which is sort of like, how do you do both? I'll tell you how you do both.
01:36You constantly give them credit for just achievements. You make sure that you have the
01:40most fabulous sort of family life. Whatever you can afford, you make it that. You focus on their
01:44appearance. You focus on their achievements. You focus on, we're going to have the best vacation,
01:51but at the same time, they underindulge that child's emotional world.
01:56They don't listen to their feelings. They aren't present with them.
01:59It's almost as though it seems at those moments, they don't care.
02:02That kid's like, Hey mom, let's play a board game. I can't be bothered.
02:05But then when that kid's on the soccer field, that mom's out there, number one,
02:09cheering when it's their kid with a trophy, it's snap, snap, snap, Instagram, Instagram, Instagram.
02:14And so this kid feels valued only really for those exterior kinds of qualities.
02:19And they don't learn to cultivate their inner world. In essence, they don't have a good mirror.
02:23Once you're a narcissist, that's it. Yeah. You're kind of in a club.
02:27And the difficulty is, is that it's, it's what we call a rubber band theory. Okay.
02:32So if you can stretch a rubber band and it can become quite long, started this big,
02:35you get it this big. But if I let go that thing's popping back. So the way that the heartbreak of
02:40narcissism is that you can actually train this person to be a little bit more empathic,
02:46to not be so jerky and not be so entitled and actually listen to other people.
02:51Here's the, but as soon as there's some stress in the system, the workday doesn't go the way they
02:57want. They didn't get the raise they hope for. They, their friend buys a bigger house than them.
03:02Their kids are behaving badly. They're just simply getting older. Like life isn't going
03:06the way they want. They blow again, the rubber band is right back. And so narcissists don't
03:11tend to retain that growth, maybe a tiny bit, but usually not enough for anyone to notice.
03:16And I think what's hard is I always say you can teach a narcissist to show up on time. It's really
03:21disrespectful to be late, right? So you can always train them to be on time, which you can't train
03:26them to do is listen. Once they get there, what you see is what you get. Okay. If you don't like
03:31this relationship today, get out and it ain't going to be pretty. Narcissists do not like to
03:36be left. They don't mind leaving, but they do not like to be left. If you're married,
03:41the divorce is going to be messy, sloppy, expensive. If you've got kids,
03:45custody is going to be nightmarish. I mean, you are walking into a war, awful. Even if it's a
03:51regular kind of a breakup, if you live together, there's going to be lots of drama, who's what,
03:56who gets to stay where. So it's going to, it's going to be ugly, a breakup, cultivate your
04:01friendships, focus on your healthy people. And so many people will say I'm with a narcissist.
04:06What can I do to fix him or her? What can I do to change him or her? Don't even try. No,
04:11you can change all of this. You can't change all of yourself. What these relationships do to people,
04:17what makes it hard to mount a good fight is people who are in relationships with narcissists
04:22ultimately always feel like they're not enough. This has nothing to do with you. It's that they
04:28can't regulate their self-esteem. They're the ones who are insecure. And that's the bottom line.