John Leguizamo Freak (1998)

Super Cult Cinema
Super Cult Cinema
  • 2 days ago
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Transcript
00:00:00♪
00:00:30♪
00:00:36I...
00:00:38I...
00:00:40I know, I see...
00:00:42I know, I see, see...
00:00:45I know...
00:00:48I know...
00:00:51I see...
00:00:53Thank you very much.
00:01:35What's up, people?
00:01:37Welcome.
00:01:41What's up?
00:01:46Come on.
00:01:49Throw your hands in the air
00:01:53if you got love in your underwear.
00:01:57Latino people in the house bark.
00:02:03That's my people.
00:02:06Black people in the house whoop.
00:02:13Let's take a moment to mourn the absence of my brothers and sisters.
00:02:18White people in the house say...
00:02:24I can barely say it, y'all.
00:02:26I almost gave myself an aneurysm there.
00:02:29Well, ready to take y'all on a journey.
00:02:33Give you a piece of my soul before the night is through.
00:02:37Now, I was born in Latin America
00:02:40because my mom's was there.
00:02:44And when I was born,
00:02:46my mother was in labor for 48 hours, y'all.
00:02:49But my mother didn't care because
00:02:51she was so enthralled with that whole miracle of creating life.
00:02:54And my mother was like...
00:03:04And my father's going...
00:03:10And the Peace Corps doctor's going...
00:03:16Leg of lamb is let's eat gumbo.
00:03:18Just push, man, push.
00:03:20But with what, coño? With what?
00:03:24Hey, doctor, we're paying you,
00:03:26so why don't you do some of the pulling, okay?
00:03:28Well, I'm trying to. He's a stubborn little fuck.
00:03:31Well, they're leaking there. Come on, woman, get up.
00:03:33We're going, but first, no!
00:03:36He's halfway out!
00:03:41So my teen parents
00:03:43left the homeland
00:03:45during that great plantain famine of the late 60s.
00:03:51And when they got to New York City,
00:03:53their accents were so thick
00:03:55that they couldn't understand each other.
00:03:58And my mother was like...
00:04:05What the hell did you just say?
00:04:07Oh, how should I know? I'm speaking English, no joda!
00:04:13And from our little subtropical paradise,
00:04:16we ended up in the loudest,
00:04:18most hectic melting pot in America,
00:04:20Jackson Heights, Queens.
00:04:26See what I mean?
00:04:28And on our way to our tenement building,
00:04:31it was like the modern-day Tower of Babel.
00:04:34All the colors of Benetton were there.
00:04:37And they came running up to us,
00:04:39to try the curry candy.
00:04:41You got to try it.
00:04:43It's going to hole in your buttocks.
00:04:45Very wonderful. You got to try it.
00:04:47You people go back to your damn country.
00:04:52You multiply like roaches.
00:04:54Ding-a-ling-a-ling, hear them ring.
00:04:56Booyaka, booyaka, booyaka.
00:04:59This are not a library.
00:05:01You buy this magazine or kick your ass.
00:05:10So, my parents had to work like 80 hours a day,
00:05:1417 days a week.
00:05:18But no matter how busy my father was,
00:05:20he'd always make time to read us a bedtime story.
00:05:23And my father would be like,
00:05:24okay, you ready?
00:05:28Once upon a time,
00:05:32there was a little rare riding...
00:05:35And she went into the woods.
00:05:38And she got a green card.
00:05:41And she lived happily ever after.
00:05:43Now shut the fuck up and go to sleep.
00:05:49And luckily for me,
00:05:51my mom was a lot more nurturing
00:05:54than all Latin moms are.
00:05:55Because all Latin moms treat their sons
00:05:57like little Latin kings.
00:05:59And that's where we get that macho shit going to the max.
00:06:04And my mother was no exception,
00:06:06because since I was a baby,
00:06:07my mother would be like,
00:06:08ay, mijo, you are the center of the universe, papi.
00:06:15You're all things to me.
00:06:16Uh-uh, learn to share.
00:06:25And remember, mijo,
00:06:26remember, any woman that fucks you
00:06:28will probably fuck somebody else, okay?
00:06:32And you don't want to marry a whore.
00:06:36No, no, because...
00:06:39because no woman is good enough
00:06:41for my little Latin king.
00:06:48And I remember,
00:06:49I was about, I guess, eight years old.
00:06:52And I used to love to go to family barbecues
00:06:54at Flushing Meadow Park,
00:06:56where about 50 or 60 of my cousins would get together.
00:07:01Barbecuing on one hibachi.
00:07:07And yo, yo, we would play that salsa music so damn loud
00:07:11that it would interfere with Nassau communications.
00:07:31And I remember, I was about eight years old.
00:07:33And I used to love to go to family barbecues
00:07:35at Flushing Meadow Park,
00:07:37where about 50 or 60 of my cousins would get together
00:07:39and play that salsa music so damn loud
00:07:42that it would interfere with Nassau communications.
00:07:44And yo, yo, we would play that salsa music so damn loud
00:07:46that it would interfere with Nassau communications.
00:07:52That's the only dance I could do,
00:07:54and I remember,
00:07:55I was about eight years old,
00:07:56and I used to love to go to family barbecues
00:07:58system. My father was keeping him alive against his will because he wanted him
00:08:04to live long enough to suffer what he made my father suffer. And my poor
00:08:09grandfather would be like, John, John, come here, papi. Come here and pull the black needle, pull it out.
00:08:17But grandpa, you know I'm not supposed to put you out of your misery.
00:08:22Pull the motherfucking black bullet now. And it was on this very day that I came
00:08:31up with my theory that everybody has a nice grandmother and a mean, evil, insane,
00:08:37crazy Cujo one. And I learned which was which when I ran up to my little white
00:08:42looking grandmother and she was like, ah bendito, pobrecito, come, come, come here.
00:08:54Let me put a dress on you, you little pussy. That was the nice one.
00:09:04So then I ran over to my little mestizo mulatto grandma Dulce, who was a
00:09:09Seventh-day Adventist. So she had some mad powerful beliefs, y'all. Like that the
00:09:15exorcist was actually a documentary and that since there were no Latin people on
00:09:23Star Trek, that this was proof that they weren't planning to have us around for
00:09:27the future. And she especially believed this after she tipped back a few fits of
00:09:34holy water, my grandmother would be like,
00:09:40Lies! Lies! You are the prince of lies. I don't drink, I sip. And I know who you are,
00:09:55Lucifer. Now leave the body of my grandson, demon. First thing, I'm gonna purge you of
00:10:06your evil spirit. Lord bless this Jack Daniels.
00:10:11Ow! Ow! My eyes! They burn!
00:10:13That's because you're wicked.
00:10:17Now let me finish the cleansing.
00:10:20Changa!
00:10:22Mandonga!
00:10:24Mabonga!
00:10:26Bacalao!
00:10:28Chuleta, chancleta, panty pa' fuera!
00:10:38Now I didn't want to disappoint my grams because this could be her last exorcism.
00:10:43So I would just start speaking in tongues and transforming myself into Satan for
00:10:48her. And I would be like,
00:10:59I am Satan. I've come to claim you as my wife. Tell me a question, old lady, tell me a question.
00:11:08I, Satan, you come for me. Take me, I'm yours.
00:11:18But grandma, grandma, it was just me. I was just pretending.
00:11:23Well don't ever tempt me with Satan again, cabroncita.
00:11:27Now our apartment, our apartment was so puny it was wishing it were a project.
00:11:49We made up for it with our 70s Baroque Rococo style.
00:11:54Yeah, we had green avocado walls, this brown linoleum floor, and this orange nuclear shag rug.
00:12:03We were trying to recreate the inside of a papaya.
00:12:13And the centerpiece, the pièce de résistance, was my father's television.
00:12:20And it was this big-ass wood console TV. More wood than TV.
00:12:26But it was my pop's pride and joy. And he would be polishing that sucker all day long.
00:12:30Everything except the screen.
00:12:33Yep, because he would let that get really dusty so that everybody looked nice and dark and Spanish.
00:12:41And my father also thought that the more you used it, the more you wore it out.
00:12:44And my father would be like, I don't care what the hell you do, just don't touch my television, okay?
00:12:50And don't sit on the furniture, it's only for the important guests.
00:12:55Use the floor for sitting and a kitchen sink for eating.
00:12:58And we're not going to buy you any more food if you keep eating it.
00:13:07And every time my father had something important to say, the subway would go by.
00:13:14Now, it wouldn't have been a big deal, but we shared a wall with the IIT No. 7 line.
00:13:19So my father would be in the middle of a harangue, and he'd be like,
00:13:22Okay, I'm only going to say this once.
00:13:26The most important thing that I want you to do today.
00:13:36Kick your ass!
00:13:44But as soon as my pops was gone, me and my little butterball of a brother, Poochie,
00:13:50who I renamed the Fat Boy Called Bitch.
00:13:55Yeah, well, because life had made him scared of everything.
00:13:58So me and him, we would become like a Navy SEAL operation team.
00:14:03I Fat Boy Called Bitch.
00:14:07It's 1800 hours, and the Prince of Darkness, when we back from another trip,
00:14:10P-P-P-P-P-P-Prince of Darkness, John.
00:14:12You didn't tell me none of my Prince of Darkness.
00:14:14I'm not even listening.
00:14:15The Prince of Darkness is the man that we know as Dad.
00:14:20Now, I'm going to give you the bubble wrap.
00:14:23And you place it underneath the rug so in case Dad comes to the hallway, we can hear him.
00:14:29We outsmarted the ignoramus!
00:14:32Watch this, Fat Boy.
00:14:34Giganto.
00:14:36Giganto the space age robot.
00:14:38He's
00:14:40Ah!
00:14:41John!
00:14:42Ah!
00:14:43Mom!
00:14:44What are you doing climbing in through the window?
00:14:52Mijo, the rent is due!
00:15:04And what are you doing?
00:15:05You're watching the television, you're eating the food and you broke, you broke the
00:15:10antenna!
00:15:11Ay, virgen santa, Dios mio!
00:15:14I'm looking into the face of a dead boy!
00:15:20Ciao!
00:15:24And in the hallway we would hear, Coño, que toda esta mierda de bubble wrap!
00:15:37And I'll be fanning on that television like a maniac because my father would feel it for
00:15:41heat!
00:15:42Open up that damn door, ay tranquilo papito, tranquilo mijito!
00:15:49You lived on Roosevelt Avenue!
00:16:04Ay, Fausto, look at you, you look so ultra-sexy!
00:16:09Oh yes you do, run, run!
00:16:14So why don't we go someplace and play a little game of mail-order pride?
00:16:18Ay, Dios mio!
00:16:20No, woman, and put your nipple away, okay?
00:16:23I just want to watch my television.
00:16:28What the hell is all that damn static?
00:16:30Can't tell Shani from Cher, carajo!
00:16:33No, dad, no, dad, I'll fix it, I'll fix it!
00:16:36And I move that good antenna for all I'm worth.
00:16:39Like this, dad, like that, like that.
00:16:41Father is just another word for love, isn't it, dad?
00:16:44No, move the other one.
00:16:47Okay.
00:16:48And I pretend to move that broken antenna.
00:16:51Trump loyal.
00:16:52Like this, dad, like that, huh?
00:16:54Is that working for you?
00:16:56Huh?
00:16:57Are you getting the reception that you...
00:16:59My father field goals me across the room.
00:17:05And I was like, ah!
00:17:09You heard my way.
00:17:13Let's take that back and rewind it.
00:17:27My father just field goals me across the room.
00:17:29And I was like, ah!
00:17:34Luckily, the nice hard brick wall broke my fall.
00:17:39And my head, my head opened up like a piñata.
00:17:43And I was like, dad, dad, look at all the pretty candy.
00:17:49Look at all the beautiful, beautiful colors.
00:17:52Did you ever see so many beautiful colors?
00:17:55And everything went black.
00:18:01And as I was waiting to die,
00:18:06I felt my soul just leave my body.
00:18:24And I zoomed out that window.
00:18:27Over Manhattan.
00:18:29Higher and higher.
00:18:34And as I was getting closer and closer to the light,
00:18:41I saw God.
00:18:48And as I was about to take my rightful place next to him,
00:18:54I got a whiff of my favorite Chino Latino restaurant.
00:19:00And they were making a fresh batch of shrimp fried rice
00:19:05and plátano maduro.
00:19:10And all of a sudden, I didn't want to die.
00:19:14I don't want to die.
00:19:15I want to live.
00:19:16I want to live.
00:19:17I want to live if only for the plátanos I want to live.
00:19:23And I zoomed myself back into my body.
00:19:30And the first words out of my mouth,
00:19:33with my newfound cosmic wisdom, said it all.
00:19:37Poochie broke the antenna, dad.
00:19:46Poor, slow, chubby Poochie.
00:19:51Because I heard that poor little boy go off screaming.
00:19:53He was like, no, dad, no.
00:19:55I don't want to die.
00:19:56No, I'm your brother.
00:20:02My only brother.
00:20:05Just beaten senseless with that damn antenna.
00:20:10And all I could think was, thank God it's not me.
00:20:20But I don't want to leave you with a bad impression of my father.
00:20:26No, no, because my father wasn't always this brutal.
00:20:29No, sometimes he drank too.
00:20:34And when my father drank,
00:20:36he just became the nicest, most lovable, huggable son of a bitch in the land.
00:20:41And my father would go on the fire escape in his underwear,
00:20:45sit me on top of his lap and start with those playful hits.
00:20:50And wailing.
00:20:52Wailing to old world songs like if he was the king of everything.
00:20:59So happy.
00:21:02Por tu maldito amor.
00:21:11No puedo terminar con tantas penas.
00:21:17Reventarme está la pena.
00:21:22Por tu maldito amor.
00:21:32He doesn't know the fucking words either.
00:21:38Come here, papi.
00:21:41Come here and give me a kiss.
00:21:46Come on.
00:21:49What the hell are you cringing at?
00:21:52What, are you afraid of a little affection?
00:21:55I'm your father, you little faggot.
00:22:00You kiss me right now, I'm going to punch the shit out of you.
00:22:05No, dad, no, dad, don't hit me.
00:22:07Don't hit me.
00:22:09I'll kiss you.
00:22:11I'll kiss you.
00:22:16Well, not on the lips, you little freak.
00:22:28You're so lucky to have a dad like me.
00:22:33When I could be out there just fucking some hot, stinking women.
00:22:39Oh, yeah, but am I doing that?
00:22:42No.
00:22:44No, because I'm here spending quality time.
00:22:52Come on, papi, I'll give you a shot, come on.
00:22:55No, it's happy juice, come on.
00:22:58No, dad, no, dad, it tastes like dookie.
00:23:02Why don't you just quit drinking, dad?
00:23:05Because I'm not a quitter.
00:23:15Come on, I'll give you ten bucks, you big baby.
00:23:18Okay, dad, I'll get that deal, deal.
00:23:25I love you, dad.
00:23:54Oh, that's my boy.
00:23:57That's my boy, my little drunkaholic.
00:24:03That's why I'm going to share my secret scheme with you.
00:24:08But if you tell anybody, I'm going to have to kill you.
00:24:13Because I haven't even told your mother this, but I'm going to
00:24:19own every room in this apartment.
00:24:23Till I own the building, till I own the block, I'm going to be
00:24:27the king of tenements.
00:24:31The Latino Donaldo Trumpo.
00:24:35That's right, because I didn't come to this country to be no
00:24:39goddamn servant.
00:24:41That's right, my father is no goddamn servant, clink.
00:24:46Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:24:50Okay, calm down.
00:24:59Dad, dad, I got a little secret too.
00:25:05Yup, but I'm going to have a drink before I tell you.
00:25:10It was me who broke the antenna.
00:25:20See, see, I knew you'd understand that because we were
00:25:24talking man to man.
00:25:26Dad, no, dad, no, it was poochie like I said the first time.
00:25:30No, mom, mom.
00:25:33Now, those were the best times that I ever had with my pops.
00:25:37But then, of course, puberty hit.
00:25:39And I quickly realized that I could have a much better time
00:25:42by myself.
00:25:44Oh, yeah.
00:25:46And I guess I was about, I was about 12 years old the first
00:25:49time that I had puberty.
00:25:51And I realized that I could have a much better time by myself.
00:25:55Oh, yeah.
00:25:57And I guess I was about, I was about 12 years old the first
00:26:01time that I accidentally masturbated.
00:26:03Yeah, because I was just cleaning it and it went off.
00:26:07And I thought I broke it.
00:26:15Because for the first time something that wasn't pee leaked
00:26:19out and I was like, eww, eww, what the hell is that?
00:26:23Eww, eww, what the hell?
00:26:26Eww, eww, what the hell?
00:26:40Eww.
00:26:49Let me see if I can lift this chair with the phone book, the radio, and my father's shoes.
00:27:05How about a tie?
00:27:11How you like me now?
00:27:14And out of nowhere my father's at the door and he's like,
00:27:17You're not doing what I think you're doing in there.
00:27:20Not in my house you don't.
00:27:23No dad, no dad, leave me alone. I'm going mad.
00:27:39Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping.
00:27:43Oh snap, who swept my brother's toothbrush?
00:27:48Ah, he never used any house.
00:27:51And the door kicks open.
00:27:54And my whole entire family rushes into the bathroom.
00:27:59And there I am, butt naked, perched on the sink.
00:28:08What the hell are you doing?
00:28:11I can explain everything dad, I can explain everything.
00:28:13You see, I was about to take a shower when I realized that I needed to change the light bulb.
00:28:20With your direct penis?
00:28:23I couldn't reach with my hands.
00:28:27And what are you doing with your mother's panties on your head?
00:28:32I thought it was a shower cap, I swear, I swear dad, I thought it was a shower cap.
00:28:38What's all this goo on my toothbrush?
00:28:41That's not goo, dad, that's not goo, that's um, that's um, that's um, that's my new toothpaste.
00:28:49Then brew it.
00:28:54No dad, please don't make me dad, please don't make me.
00:28:57Grandma, quick, brush your teeth, brush your teeth, grandma, quick.
00:28:59No, I'm not touching that, come get away from me.
00:29:08So I had to seek my sexual awakening elsewhere.
00:29:20And luckily for me, that summer I started going to house parties.
00:29:38But unfortunately, my crew of inner city rejects, me and my rejects, we would be cowering somewhere way in the back of the party.
00:29:56Totally misinforming each other about the secrets of sex.
00:30:00Yo John, come here a minute, let me tell you something man.
00:30:05You gotta fuck some girl as fast as you can.
00:30:08Otherwise you're gonna lock up on your wood, you'll have a bitch attached to you for the rest of your life.
00:30:16Nah man, nah, nah, don't let a girl stick a finger up your butt.
00:30:22Or you're gonna turn gay or whatnot.
00:30:26I'm serious, I'm serious.
00:30:29Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
00:30:35Yo, yo, fellas, yo, fellas, yo, pulling on your dick makes you bigger.
00:30:39This for y'all's information, you know what I'm saying.
00:30:42I ain't talking to you motherfucker, you know what I'm saying, I ain't talking to you motherfucking nigga.
00:30:46Yo fellas, fellas, I know how to make a man pussy.
00:30:49Y'all be taking dick, you tuck it between your legs and have a genuine man.
00:30:53I was a very misunderstood child especially for the rest of that summer
00:31:06but by the time winter came my father's tenement scheme had actually paid off
00:31:12and I don't even know how my father did it but he finessed himself a building in
00:31:17the boogie down Bronx you know they couldn't be tenants because they
00:31:25wouldn't be that happy and I didn't recognize my pops no more either because
00:31:30my father had become new yorican rich and my father started wearing fake fur
00:31:35coats and fake gold chains he looked like a cross between huggy bear and mr.
00:31:40Roper and then my father thought he was slick and he started bringing the other
00:31:50woman to the house when he was supposed to be taking care of me my brother about
00:31:57me my brother we didn't care it's not because me and him you would run and we
00:32:01would hide underneath the bed and we'd hear them sexing each other up and we
00:32:04would hear this and that take it all you slut your whore your bitch and then
00:32:15my pops would say
00:32:20hey how could you talk to me like that yesterday you said I was the best no no
00:32:26no no no I say you did your best
00:32:36so then my father would be starving and we have to go with him to cat's his
00:32:40deli with Amy who was the other woman and Amy was this beautiful beautiful
00:32:47Jewish lady who always wore green lipstick because I guess she was afraid
00:32:52men stop and the thing that burned me up about her the most was was that she
00:33:02would just believe all my father's lies just like that the biggest one being
00:33:07that we were Jewish oh yeah cuz Amy will be eating her food turning everything a
00:33:12green mush and she'd be like oh mr. language
00:33:21yeah so dark and exotic are you sure you're Jewish of course I'm Sephardic
00:33:32you want the crepe lach or the kasha varnish kasha whatever's clever I'm not
00:33:44like those demanding schicksals you used to go out with oh I'm the love of your
00:33:49life oh look at the angry ponoms they're so cute the little misguides what are
00:34:00their names well this is Abraham and this is Moses
00:34:06say thank you thank you smile more Jewish
00:34:30so then my father got tired of us and he left us my mom's rival and my mom she
00:34:37became the queen of low self-esteem and my mother would run off periodically to
00:34:43improve herself so then my uncle Sandy would became my
00:34:47surrogate moms and my uncle Sandy he was he was a little unconventional he's
00:34:53probably what you would call a triple threat he was Latin gay and deaf
00:35:01you laugh but he was the wisest man that I had ever met in my entire life and he
00:35:07had taken his little room that he had and he transformed it into his
00:35:11laboratorium where he would do his mad experimenting and I remember I remember
00:35:17the last thing that he ever invented it was Spanglish sign language and I was
00:35:27the only one who could understand them and my uncle Sam would be like yeah I
00:35:32know things even God doesn't know I focus can not on me honey
00:35:42Amira Bami Mira and Christmas and Christmas I always made a lousy Santa
00:35:48ho-ho because instead of filling up the stockings I was always trying them out
00:36:00Uncle Sandy I want I want I want to be just like you when I grow up except for
00:36:07that part about liking guys and whatnot that's okay then that's okay because I
00:36:12know that your father
00:36:19doesn't respect me but that's bullshit
00:36:26bullshit
00:36:29because feature these many highly respectable individuals of ancient and
00:36:38modern times have been
00:36:45homosexuals
00:36:49oh yeah play-doh Michelangelo Disney
00:37:06and just because we were poor didn't mean that we didn't get culture either because my
00:37:22uncle Sandy would force us to go with him to Broadway and we go into these old
00:37:27theaters a lot like this one actually where he had mastered this technique
00:37:31called second acting somebody knows about it over there that's what you mix
00:37:37with intermission smokers and then you slip in for free to catch a second act
00:37:43so I never knew how anything began and we would run into the alley and wait by
00:37:51the theater exit and my uncle Sandy would be like John Poochie smoke these
00:37:58men thought for you you're only nine
00:38:08so we stood by that theater exit and we smoked and waited but this play only had
00:38:22one act so my uncle Sandy just kicked the hell out of that exit door and he
00:38:32yelled FIRE!
00:38:37excuse me don't want to step on your clothes or your buttocks
00:38:41Poochie I saw it first I'm gonna kick your buttocks
00:38:43I said every man for himself did I tell you that fat boy?
00:38:45get the hell out of here oh hello how you doing
00:38:47hello miss ladies
00:38:49good-looking miss ladies
00:38:51how you doing?
00:38:53my goodness ma'am
00:38:55why don't you run to the bathroom quick before intermission
00:38:57and I'll watch your seat for you
00:38:59because it's going to be crowded
00:39:01I know you have to go
00:39:13don't applaud just get up
00:39:17so I got the best empty seat in the house
00:39:21but I was still all paranoid because I had no legal ticket or whatnot
00:39:25so I just hid behind my program
00:39:29and the whole time I was thinking
00:39:31damn
00:39:33I could be out there with my friends
00:39:35my friends just flexing having a good time
00:39:37but here I am at this musical
00:39:41chorus line
00:39:45all of a sudden
00:39:47I heard the name Morales on stage
00:39:49and there was this Latin
00:39:51person there
00:39:53and she didn't have a gun in her hand
00:39:55or a hypodermic needle
00:39:59and she wasn't a hooker or a maid
00:40:01so it was kind of hard to tell
00:40:03if she was Latin
00:40:07and everybody was looking at her
00:40:11the way y'all are looking at me now
00:40:13and I was just
00:40:15I was just listening and respecting her
00:40:17every day for a week
00:40:19we would try to
00:40:21hear the wind brush
00:40:23hear the wind brush
00:40:25feel the chill
00:40:27and I dug right down
00:40:29to the bottom of my soul
00:40:31to see what I had inside
00:40:33yes I dug right down
00:40:35to the bottom of my soul
00:40:37and I tried
00:40:39I tried
00:40:41you tried my Latin sister
00:40:43you set us free
00:40:45mama you got
00:40:47oh shit
00:40:53and one of those
00:40:55pilgrim ladies grabbed me by the collar
00:40:57ow lady
00:40:59ow lady get off me lady
00:41:01get off me Uncle Sandy
00:41:03Uncle Sandy
00:41:05she was singing to me man
00:41:07she was singing to me
00:41:09get off me
00:41:25and that's how I got culture y'all
00:41:27oh
00:41:37so about a year later
00:41:39my father
00:41:41the genius for trouble that he was
00:41:43he got
00:41:45the other woman to use him up
00:41:47and spit him out
00:41:49and then on top of that his tenement building burned down
00:41:51and my mom just took him back
00:41:53like nothing had ever happened
00:41:55and my father was
00:41:57my father just started to scheme it
00:41:59in Machiavelli to get food on the table
00:42:01and with the luck of the Latin
00:42:03my pops was made
00:42:05captain of the top French restaurant
00:42:07in Manny Hanny
00:42:09that's Manhattan for y'all
00:42:13and I was so proud of my father
00:42:15I would just watch him every afternoon putting on his tux
00:42:17like if it was a ceremony or something
00:42:19and I would be like
00:42:21you the man dad
00:42:23dad you the man
00:42:27you look like a penguin dad
00:42:31hey easy with that okay
00:42:33hey
00:42:35hey do you know who came into the restaurant the other day
00:42:37and tried to get into my pants
00:42:39Elizabeth Taylor
00:42:41oh yeah she's kind of fat now
00:42:43so I think I got a shot
00:42:45here's a little old spice
00:42:47in your face
00:42:49that's right it burns
00:42:51cause you're wicked
00:43:01and this
00:43:03this was an extra special day
00:43:05because it was my brother's tenth birthday
00:43:07and I had a plan
00:43:09because me and my family
00:43:11we never celebrated a damn thing
00:43:13so I made sure my pops was gone
00:43:15and then I put on our best
00:43:17rust colored leisure suits
00:43:19and I got me and my brother
00:43:21matching bow ties
00:43:23you look just like dad you little stud Nick
00:43:25you don't get all the fine females
00:43:27ain't you
00:43:29yeah right
00:43:31so check it
00:43:33check it when the subway down to his restaurant
00:43:35yeah cause it's gonna be a surprise for you and him
00:43:37fat boy
00:43:39it's my birthday
00:43:41it's my birthday
00:43:43I don't want to be called fat boy no more
00:43:45I'm a man now okay
00:43:47okay fat man
00:43:51now come on
00:43:55and when we got to the restaurant
00:43:57it was this fancy
00:43:59smancy swanky place
00:44:01and they didn't yell your order
00:44:03over a microphone
00:44:05and they didn't have no playground up front
00:44:07and this
00:44:09rich guy just comes running up to us
00:44:11bonjour
00:44:13and I cut him off
00:44:15excuse me sir no offense or nothing
00:44:17but would you like to be served by the
00:44:19captain of Mr. Leguizamo please
00:44:23I'm not familiar
00:44:25with your name
00:44:27well then you must be new here
00:44:29because my father
00:44:31runs this place
00:44:33okay well I'll see what I can do
00:44:35why don't you sit down I'll be right back
00:44:37hey can you get us another water
00:44:39this one's got a lemon in it
00:44:45so me and my brother
00:44:47we just sat there and waited
00:44:51and waited
00:44:59and then the kitchen doors opened up
00:45:01and there was this man
00:45:03in there
00:45:05who looked a lot like my pops
00:45:11but he couldn't be my pops
00:45:13because my pops was wearing a tux
00:45:15and this man was bending over
00:45:17the sink washing dishes
00:45:21and then the kitchen doors opened up again
00:45:23I got a better look
00:45:25come on Fuchi come on let's go
00:45:27I'm not in the mood for French food no more
00:45:29come on let's go I'ma get you a birthday
00:45:31some other place now come on
00:45:33no Jah get off me
00:45:35get off me it's my birthday
00:45:37I wanna see that all the people around
00:45:39you see that at home
00:45:41all the time
00:45:43everyday now come on little man
00:45:45look I'ma get you a birthday pizza
00:45:47I'ma put candles and everything
00:45:49I'ma put candles and everything
00:45:51I'ma put candles and everything
00:45:53I'ma put candles and everything
00:45:55I'ma put candles and everything
00:45:59alright
00:46:01deal Jah deal
00:46:03but I want anchovies on my pizza
00:46:05okay Jah
00:46:07and Jah did you make one of my legs
00:46:09longer than the other
00:46:11huh Jah why you so quiet
00:46:13why you ain't talking
00:46:15Jah wait up don't run Jah
00:46:23CLAPPING
00:46:29CLAPPING
00:46:31Ah, you can't dance, John.
00:46:55Nah, man, that was wax, son.
00:46:58I'm a schoolboy.
00:47:00This is my dance, because I'm going to get laid tonight.
00:47:03My fertility boogie.
00:47:05For you ladies in the club, you better check it.
00:47:15Check what I'm saying.
00:47:17You know what the fuck I'm saying.
00:47:20Nah, man, that sucked too, man.
00:47:23I'm a schoolboy for you.
00:47:26This is my dance.
00:47:28For you ladies in the club, the legalization of marijuana.
00:47:32Because I'm going to get high tonight.
00:47:34You better check it.
00:47:44I swallowed it.
00:47:49Yo, fellas, yo, fellas, it's my turn, man.
00:47:52It's my turn.
00:47:53This is my dance.
00:47:55Because I got acne.
00:47:57And because life sucks, man.
00:48:00Yeah, because fathers suck.
00:48:02Because they're liars and losers and assholes.
00:48:04Yo, calm the fuck down.
00:48:07It's my only day off.
00:48:09Don't ruin it, man.
00:48:11Yeah, man.
00:48:12Why don't you tell your mom to let her mustache grow?
00:48:15You could call her pop.
00:48:18Yo, shut up, man.
00:48:19Shut up.
00:48:20Come here, man.
00:48:21Come here.
00:48:22Let me talk to you, man.
00:48:23You know what my father calls me?
00:48:29He calls me the little abortion that got away.
00:48:34That's right, man.
00:48:35So what's the big deal?
00:48:36Your father's the captain, right?
00:48:37That's cool, man.
00:48:39Being a waiter, it's cool.
00:48:41It's not like being a dishwasher or nothing.
00:48:43You know what I'm saying?
00:48:44You know what the fuck I'm saying?
00:48:45Y'all know what you're saying, man.
00:48:47That's why friends are better than family, man.
00:48:50Because you can choose them.
00:48:51You know what I'm saying?
00:48:53Hey, yo, fellas, yo, fellas.
00:48:54This is my dance to friendship, all right?
00:48:55Check this, check this.
00:48:56particulier.
00:48:57Thanks, guys.
00:48:58I'll see you next week.
00:48:59I love you.
00:49:00Bye.
00:49:01Make girls fall in love.
00:49:26So my new attitude towards life really paid off because there was this girl in the club
00:49:36who had low standards and she fell madly in love with me because of my friendship dance.
00:49:44So I went to her house in Jamaica, Queens, and I had made up my mind that she was going
00:50:00to be the one to de-virginize me because she was this ebony princess, this Nubian bucket
00:50:06of love, my little Africanicus Romanticus.
00:50:11She was black and her pops was a black Muslim.
00:50:21So the first time I went over I put on my best Elijah Mohammed bow tie, well salam alaikum
00:50:28brother reverend sir, I'm here to pick up your daughter.
00:50:33Well you don't fool me boy, you don't fool me with that bow tie boy, you don't look like
00:50:39a Muslim, you look like Pee Wee Herman boy, and when I look at your white skin I want
00:50:45to kill you.
00:50:46But sir, I'm not white, I'm Spanish, well I don't want to get caught up in your illegal
00:50:52Mexican situation boy.
00:50:57I heard about you Mexicans, buying up all the Cabbage Patch dolls to get the birth certificates.
00:51:17I just tell it like it happened, that's all.
00:51:21So after weeks and weeks of begging, some serious begging, she finally sneaks me up
00:51:27into her room one night, so we could avoid her pops and what not, and I couldn't believe,
00:51:31I just couldn't believe that it was happening for me finally you know, especially because
00:51:35it was so god damn romantical, oh yeah because she turned on the black light, she put on
00:51:43some Al Green, I'm so in love with you, whatever you want to do, is alright with me, I'm so
00:52:12in love with you.
00:52:22And there I was, in my Fruit of the Looms, glowing like some kind of UFO, and I'm looking
00:52:32at my beautiful, beautiful black Venus.
00:52:39She's looking at me, and she's all like, oh my God, oh my God, you are the whitest mother
00:52:57fuck I ever saw, yeah but, I love you and you love me, Yeshica, that was before you
00:53:09took off your clothes, and besides, I forgot to tell you, I have a gynecologist appointment
00:53:16tomorrow, and he said we shouldn't have intercourse 24 hours ahead of time, yeah but, you don't
00:53:29have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you, you don't get it, do you translucent man,
00:53:47Oh my God, oh my God, hold on, hold on, I can see your intestines, got me, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash,
00:54:17hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going to get my scissors, hold on like Queen Vash, I'm going
00:54:43Let's face it, my father was born to undo himself.
00:54:47So we had to downgrade to this poor,
00:54:49white, trash, Irish neighborhood called Sunnyside Queens.
00:54:54Oh, you heard of it?
00:54:58And I was devastated,
00:54:59because I lost my best friends,
00:55:01I lost that girl who loved me,
00:55:04and all of a sudden,
00:55:06we're the first Latin family in this neighborhood,
00:55:09so we're like pioneers.
00:55:11It's like Manifest Destiny in reverse.
00:55:16And then one day, it was St. Patrick's Day,
00:55:19and I figured, well, everybody's Irish
00:55:20on St. Patrick's Day, right?
00:55:22So I fake ID'd my way into this Irish bar,
00:55:25and there was this mad, sick, nice Irish girl,
00:55:28sick, nice, you know the type, right?
00:55:30Right, red-headed, freckled, drunk.
00:55:38Okay, I'm bitter.
00:55:41But I had too many green beers,
00:55:44so I had to have them,
00:55:45so I river danced up to her.
00:56:11And this voice emerged out of me out of nowhere.
00:56:14Ah, cha-cha-ee, cha-cha-ee, cha-cha-ee.
00:56:19How's the Emmett Island?
00:56:22Did you ever fuck a leprechaun?
00:56:27Well, what are you staring at?
00:56:28Is my shenanigan hanging out again?
00:56:33Well, you don't look very Irish to me.
00:56:36Oh, but I am.
00:56:39Black Irish.
00:56:41All right, I didn't say any of that shit, okay?
00:56:44No, no, what I actually said,
00:56:46I actually said how much I appreciate Irish culture
00:56:49and the great contributions that they've made.
00:56:52You too, whiskey, cops, right?
00:56:57And Scotty, Scotty,
00:56:58cotton, cotton, the lithium crystals are breaking up.
00:57:02Oh, you got to see Trainspotting Brevard,
00:57:05you do, and there's ten of you,
00:57:06and there's ten of you, and you do.
00:57:11You must be some kind of fucking moron.
00:57:17Scotty's Scottish asshole.
00:57:21Sean, Brian, Blarney, this Spanish guy is bothering me.
00:57:26He's bothering me.
00:57:30And the rest of our hooligan brothers,
00:57:32Grog, Mead, Ale, Killian, Guinness, and Stout come at me.
00:57:40What are you trying to get with our sister, huh,
00:57:44you dirty Puerto Rican, huh?
00:57:46I'll wipe up the street with you, you lying, oily, wet dick.
00:57:53I was outnumbered, but I didn't care,
00:57:56because I did what any Latin kid
00:57:57who'd been raised in the ghetto would do in that situation.
00:57:59I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
00:58:04whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:58:08Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:58:11I acted like a retard.
00:58:14I didn't touch the pretty lady.
00:58:18I didn't touch the pretty lady.
00:58:22I gotta pee, can you hold it for me?
00:58:24Hold it for me, oh my God, I gotta pee, hold it, hold it.
00:58:39So we had to move.
00:58:43And my father wasn't too happy about that.
00:58:46My father's packing up the car, and my father's like,
00:58:49what are you, my God damn punishment on earth?
00:58:52Some kind of horrible test from God to me?
00:58:56Why you always trying to be like other people?
00:58:58You're not even good at being yourself.
00:59:01Let me tell you something, papi.
00:59:04When I go to the racetrack, I get a form,
00:59:07and on this form, I listed the winners,
00:59:11not the all Sarans.
00:59:13That's what you are, papi, an all Saran, so get used to it,
00:59:16because your mother's family's full of them,
00:59:19starting with your Uncle Sanny.
00:59:21Yeah, but that's bullshit, Dad.
00:59:28So with those words of wisdom,
00:59:30we ended up in Corona, Queens.
00:59:32I'm not done yet.
00:59:34I was in an all Italian neighborhood at the time.
00:59:37So I was mad excited, because I thought,
00:59:39these are my fellow swarthy Mediterranean
00:59:42Alaskan brothers and sisters.
00:59:45And I came out of my apartment building,
00:59:47and I saw these Italian fellas in this driveway
00:59:49polishing up this Camaro.
00:59:51Hey, how you doing, fellas?
00:59:53How's it going, man?
00:59:55Yo, that's a nice ride, yo.
00:59:56Is that a 76?
00:59:5879, you dumb fucking son of a bitch.
01:00:03You dumb fucking spick.
01:00:13You dumb fucking ugly.
01:00:15Dumb, dumb, dumb fucking ugly.
01:00:19Dumb fucking ugly.
01:00:20Dumb.
01:00:22Dumb.
01:00:24Hey, Joey, did I use up dumb already?
01:00:28Yeah, Andy, why don't you try douchebag?
01:00:30Hey, douchebag, douchebag,
01:00:32bo-fi-fi-fo-fucking douchebag.
01:00:42Forget about it.
01:00:45You know, before you spicks came here,
01:00:48we had nice houses and big stores, no doubt about it.
01:00:52Forget about it.
01:00:55Yeah, I know, man.
01:00:56I know, because we Latin people, man.
01:00:58We Latin people, we're the bacteria of the universe, man.
01:01:01Everybody knows that.
01:01:02You know, we're lazy, we fuck too much.
01:01:05And look what I bought with my welfare check.
01:01:07A guido joke book.
01:01:10And to think, I almost threw away my money on crack, huh?
01:01:15Oh, you're gonna like this one.
01:01:17How can you tell if your baby is a guido?
01:01:21You give up?
01:01:23He won't use the pacifier unless it's got hair on it.
01:01:31Oh, shit.
01:01:34Oh, shit.
01:01:37Oh, oh, shit.
01:01:46So we had to move again.
01:01:48And we were running out of neighborhoods.
01:01:51And my father, my father must have decided
01:01:56what I needed for my 16th, my 16th birthday,
01:01:59because he packed me up in the Gremlin.
01:02:03And my father was like, come here, papi.
01:02:05Sit next to me and shut the fuck up.
01:02:07I want to talk to you, okay?
01:02:08You shut the fuck up, I want to talk to you, okay?
01:02:25Do you know that the average Pinga is six inches long?
01:02:28That's pretty good.
01:02:38And the average vajinga is eight inches deep.
01:02:53There are about two miles of unused vajinga
01:02:56in New York City.
01:03:02I'm gonna help you find some, okay papi?
01:03:04Okay, here we are.
01:03:11But Kentucky Fried Chicken, dad?
01:03:14Dad, how's the colonel gonna make me a man, dad?
01:03:17Not the Colonel Ball, pendejo.
01:03:21There's a lady I know in there that batters chickens
01:03:23by day and chokes them by night, okay?
01:03:29Now don't come out till you make me proud.
01:03:32I'll be waiting for you right over here.
01:03:35So next thing I know, I'm all the way in the back
01:03:39of the Kentucky Fried Chicken,
01:03:41about to get some from some complete stranger.
01:03:44When out of the shadows comes a zhaftig German woman.
01:03:47Ooh, you're so dark and swazy.
01:03:53I feel sorry for you, so I will fuck you.
01:03:59I'll think of it as war reparations.
01:04:03And she puts me on top of the fryer,
01:04:07and she reaches down and she touches my thing,
01:04:10and it was the first time that somebody other than myself
01:04:13had touched my thing, so my thing was bugging out.
01:04:17And my thing was like, John, come here, come here, John.
01:04:21John, come here.
01:04:25She's touching me.
01:04:27I know, we're finally getting some.
01:04:29John, she's pulling on me.
01:04:32She's being a little rough.
01:04:35I know, she's German, shut the fuck up.
01:04:38John, why don't you do it?
01:04:46I like how you do it.
01:04:49You know where to touch, what I like, what I need.
01:04:55Then she puts me in her mouth, and he's like,
01:04:57John, John, what is she gonna do?
01:04:59Oh my God, John, why did you ever do this before?
01:05:06Pinocchio, Pinocchio.
01:05:11And I look over, and she's butt naked,
01:05:14and she forcibly takes my hand
01:05:16and just puts it on her little vertical smile.
01:05:22Now, her coochie was, it was,
01:05:26why should I put it to you people?
01:05:28It was like a failed experiment from the island of Dr. Moreau.
01:05:38And then she says to me, it's like a flower.
01:05:42You have to unravel it.
01:05:58She had the hugest coochie lips in the world.
01:06:02It was like Dumbo.
01:06:05And when I open it all, it makes a big Tupperware burp.
01:06:17And I'm like, John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John.
01:06:22John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John.
01:06:26And then she makes the International Cunnilingus sign at me.
01:06:45I was scared shitless, y'all.
01:06:49But I knew my father was waiting outside for me,
01:06:52but I knew my father was waiting outside for me,
01:06:55so I didn't want to disappoint my father or nothing, you know?
01:06:58So I just sacrificed a little general,
01:07:01and just like that, I was like a porn star.
01:07:03Yeah, you know you like it, baby.
01:07:05Yeah, yeah, you know you like it.
01:07:06And she's like, I'm sorry.
01:07:08I'm sorry, time is up.
01:07:11And she went to the window,
01:07:13and she grabbed the coochie lip in each hand,
01:07:15and she flew away like a giant pink bat.
01:07:22Yeah.
01:07:29Goodbye.
01:07:31Goodbye, Martha.
01:07:45Did you do it, Bobby?
01:07:47Did you give her that 12th ingredient, huh?
01:07:49You do it?
01:07:53Yeah, I did it, Dad.
01:07:54Well, I want proof.
01:07:55Proof?
01:08:14So my father and I, we finally shared something together, God damn it.
01:08:22But back home, my parents' relationship just totally began to sour
01:08:28because my mother became radical, and she started going to college.
01:08:34And she was using big words against my father.
01:08:38And my pops, he just wouldn't let his tenement dream die,
01:08:44so our house was literally like this big construction site.
01:08:47We had holes and plaster and tenons everywhere.
01:08:52And then his restaurant secret just started to eat at him,
01:08:58and my father became evil.
01:09:02And then one night, very, very, very late, my mother comes home,
01:09:05and of course she's unnaturally happy,
01:09:08and my mother's like,
01:09:10I love the nightlife, I love to boogie,
01:09:13say the ooh, ooh, you know everybody, ooh, ooh, come on, people tell me, ooh.
01:09:17And my father becomes the Grinch who stole Christmas,
01:09:20who said you could sing that thing that you sing.
01:09:24I am the king, and nothing is what you should sing, sing, sing.
01:09:29And you're late.
01:09:31God, I do not appreciate to be made to wait.
01:09:33I hate, hate, hate.
01:09:36Ay, Fausto, you're being so Dr. Sucian.
01:09:42And besides, besides, lateness,
01:09:44lateness is such an amorphous and bourgeois concept, okay?
01:09:50And what about the day before?
01:09:51You got here at midnight, disco queen.
01:09:53What the hell was that about, huh?
01:09:55Ay, Fausto, Fausto, do you see how hard I work for you?
01:09:58I'm practically a slave.
01:10:00Lincoln, Lincoln, emancipate me.
01:10:03Break my checkers.
01:10:07Woman, woman, have you seen your children lately?
01:10:11Huh?
01:10:12John is all sickly looking and stupid,
01:10:16and Pooch is all fat and ugly.
01:10:20Ay, Fausto, please, please.
01:10:22Poochie will still be fat and ugly
01:10:24no matter what time of the day I got home, okay?
01:10:28So don't talk down to me, okay?
01:10:30Because I'm not about reproduction anymore.
01:10:35I'm about meat production.
01:10:39Woman, don't make me have to teach you what respect is, okay?
01:10:44Ay, Fausto, please.
01:10:47Please.
01:10:51Like a dishwasher could teach me anything.
01:10:56Exactly.
01:11:02Ooh, you're gonna get it, woman.
01:11:04Just keep it down, because I don't want to traumatize the children, okay?
01:11:08Okay, Fausto, okay. No more talking. Click.
01:11:16Wait, wait, wait. Quick, quick.
01:11:18Quick, quick. Who am I? Who am I?
01:11:30And my house becomes the World Wrestling Federation.
01:11:35Sábado, sábado, aquí Madison Square Garden.
01:11:38Tenemos a Leguizamo contra Leguizamo,
01:11:40traído por Burger King y Pepsi Cola.
01:11:46Let's rumble!
01:11:50And my father jumps on top of my mother and he's got her down on the ground.
01:11:55Don't make me have to kill you!
01:11:58Ay, Fausto, Fausto.
01:12:00You don't have to do anything you don't want anymore.
01:12:03We're living in post-modern deconstructive America now.
01:12:09Stop using such big words!
01:12:12Okay, okay. Yes, yes. No, no. Pee-pee-doo-doo-bye-bye.
01:12:19And I'm in the kitchen with my brother.
01:12:21I'm like, Poochie, Poochie, Mom's not doing so well.
01:12:24We're gonna have to double-team his ass, okay?
01:12:26So you go out there and kick his butt.
01:12:30And I'm gonna live on.
01:12:34And my little brother...
01:12:39My little brother, he's all like...
01:12:47I can't... I can't move, John.
01:12:52John.
01:12:55John.
01:12:56John.
01:12:57I can't move.
01:12:59I can't move.
01:13:02John, I can't move.
01:13:05I'm sorry.
01:13:06It's okay, little man.
01:13:08It's okay. You know I got your back till infinity.
01:13:12Now, if I was a weapon, where the hell would I be?
01:13:16And I see this big-ass butcher knife that my father had used on his father before him.
01:13:22So it's like a family heirloom.
01:13:26And I go out there with the courage of a little John Claude goddamn.
01:13:35If you touch my mom or anybody else in this house again,
01:13:39I swear to God you're my father, but I'll fucking kill you.
01:13:43What do you think, a man enough to take me on, boy?
01:13:45I mean, though, shut up. He wasn't talking to you, okay?
01:13:48But... but... but, Mom, I thought...
01:13:50That's right. Go back into the kitchen,
01:13:52because you're a pussy, and your mom's a puta bitch.
01:14:03Foster, I'm not a puta bitch, okay?
01:14:06John may be a pussy, but I'm no puta bitch, okay?
01:14:13Okay, then, Jezebel, Salome, Samsonite, and Delilah.
01:14:23You're a lousy cook, a lousy wife,
01:14:26and all the big words in the world aren't gonna make you a good mother.
01:14:31So I want you to get the hell out of my house.
01:14:35Or kill me.
01:14:37And kill me.
01:14:39And kill me, and kill me, and kill me.
01:14:46I'm gonna have to interfere on my own behalf.
01:14:49Because you don't get me twice in a lifetime. Oh, no.
01:14:54And do you know why I can't be like other women?
01:14:58Do you?
01:15:00Because then who the hell is gonna be like me, okay?
01:15:04Calm down, woman. Calm down. You're having some kind of breakdown, okay?
01:15:08No, Foster, no. I'm having a breakthrough.
01:15:13Don't confuse the end of your world with the beginning of mine, okay?
01:15:16Don't confuse the end of your world with the beginning of mine, okay?
01:15:24And I just have one more thing to say to you, Foster.
01:15:35First I was afraid, I was petrified
01:15:38Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
01:15:43And you're not thinking how you can be wrong
01:15:46And I'm too strong for me, mierda
01:15:49Had to get along and turn your back from outer space
01:15:54I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
01:15:58I'm gonna make up my own words now, Foster
01:16:02Because I can, that's right
01:16:05And you can't beat me no more
01:16:09And Foster, you are a big fat ass
01:16:16From this over, Foster, I'm free, I'm free
01:16:20I got you
01:16:23You and your goddamn construction
01:16:44Now that was a great song, wasn't it?
01:16:48And it was an equally beautiful moment for my moms
01:16:52But unfortunately, the house is under my father's name
01:16:57So my father kicked us the hell out
01:17:00Oh yeah
01:17:02But I didn't care
01:17:03Nah, cause I was gonna show him, I was gonna show the world
01:17:08My dad was a bitch and so was I
01:17:12So with a fistful of dreams, I went to college
01:17:26And I got into UCLA
01:17:32Cause I got a perfect 1600 on my SATs
01:17:39It's possible
01:17:42If you count all four times I took them
01:17:48And I was having a great time passing myself off as a white boy
01:17:51I was like, dude, so cool, so rad, dudes
01:17:55The waves are so dope, so cool, dudes
01:17:58I communed with a dolphin once, oh shaha dude, shaha
01:18:03Oh
01:18:07So I got into a fraternity
01:18:09And amazingly, only two years later
01:18:11My fraternity brothers saw through my veneer and they ousted me
01:18:14So I took the first bus back to Times Square
01:18:17All depressed and whatnot
01:18:20And I thought, maybe, maybe I'll catch the only show I could afford
01:18:28But they were having a private party
01:18:31So I decided to second act like I used to do with my Uncle Sanny
01:18:34And go see a Broadway show
01:18:36And so I bogarted my way into this theater
01:18:38But once I was inside
01:18:40I saw this guy
01:18:42And I was like, what the fuck is going on?
01:18:44And he was like, I don't know, I don't know
01:18:47But once I was inside
01:18:49I find out that it's not a show
01:18:52But it's an audition
01:18:54For that great acting teacher Lee Strasberg something-or-other
01:18:59And I'm watching all these fellas go up
01:19:01And they're all doing Streetcar Named Desire
01:19:03Because that's what method people do
01:19:07And I'm watching all these brandos
01:19:09And they're all like, stumble, stumble
01:19:12What do you think of some kind of crime?
01:19:16Sitting on my throne, I'm saying, huh
01:19:18I'm saying, huh
01:19:22And Lee Strasberg calls next
01:19:25So I just tried to fake it
01:19:27But as I'm going up, my ears are ringing
01:19:29And the room is spinning, I can't even breathe
01:19:31And I look at Lee, and it comes out like Jerry Lewis
01:19:37What do you think of some kind of queen?
01:19:39Sitting on my throne, I say
01:19:45That's how it ends
01:19:51And everybody was laughing at me
01:19:54Everybody but Lee
01:19:56And Lee's going
01:20:00I survived the holocaust
01:20:03But I don't think I can survive your performance
01:20:08And he grabbed his chest and passed away
01:20:12But everybody was still laughing
01:20:14So I knew I had something
01:20:16So I was gonna let his death stop me
01:20:22Until his assistant director jumps in
01:20:24And he's all like, is this thing on?
01:20:26Over here, over here, kid
01:20:28Let me be frank with you
01:20:29We don't really want a Hispanic
01:20:31We want somebody who can play a Hispanic
01:20:33That's how the real world works, son
01:20:35Thank you, next
01:20:38Alright, alright
01:20:39How do you feel about playing junkies?
01:20:41Or anything, man, anything, man
01:20:42Give me a chance, man, give me a chance
01:20:44I need a fix, I'll suck your dick
01:20:46Anything, baby, give me a chance
01:20:48I fucking need a chance, man
01:20:50I want to feel the patheticness and agony of your people
01:20:53Think Latino, junkie Latino
01:20:59Okay, baby, okay
01:21:01But I'm running out of veins, papichula
01:21:06How about if I stick it in my neck, huh?
01:21:08How about my eyeball, huh?
01:21:11Is that pathetic and Latino enough for you, huh?
01:21:14If I shove it in my goddamn motherfucking eyeball
01:21:17Like that, motherfucker
01:21:29So I got the part
01:21:32And I'm in my first play
01:21:34And it's opening night
01:21:36And it's all the way downtown in Alphabet City
01:21:38Way downtown
01:21:40Hell yeah
01:21:43And the name of the play is Junkie Christ
01:21:50I'm the lead
01:21:52And I find out it's a shadow play
01:21:57But there I am in my big crucifixion scene
01:22:00Giving it my junkie awe
01:22:03Judas, you sold me for a 40, baby
01:22:10Oh
01:22:16And it's intermission and I run back to my dressing room
01:22:19And I got this shower curtain for a door
01:22:21And this broken mirror and a flashlight on me
01:22:27And the place is funky and nasty
01:22:33But I'm in my element
01:22:36Yeah
01:22:38Yeah, who's there?
01:22:40Who's there?
01:22:42John, papi
01:22:44Papi, open up, mijo
01:22:47Open up, papi
01:22:49You're not doing what I think you're doing in there, are you?
01:22:53You're not doing what I think you're doing in there, are you?
01:23:04Dad
01:23:06Dad, what the hell are you doing here, man?
01:23:08I'm sorry, I'm sorry
01:23:10Come in here, dad, come in
01:23:12So did you see the show?
01:23:14So what'd you think?
01:23:16Why?
01:23:17You can tell me if you like it
01:23:19Yeah
01:23:22If you like that sort of thing
01:23:24Yeah
01:23:26God, this place is depressing
01:23:29Yeah, but dad
01:23:31Dad, I'm working all the time now, dad
01:23:33I'm working real hard
01:23:34I'm getting lead parts sometimes, dad
01:23:36I'm kinda legit all of a sudden
01:23:39Ah, come on, mijo, come on
01:23:41I always said if anybody could make something out of nothing
01:23:45It was you, right?
01:23:47What?
01:23:48What's the matter, papi?
01:23:50I came down because
01:23:52Because I want you to meet my new son, papi
01:23:55My Faust Jr.
01:23:56Oh, you gotta see the guy
01:23:58He's so much better looking, funnier, more talented than you ever were
01:24:06And I get a look in my face
01:24:09Like when you wanna fart but you don't wanna make noise
01:24:21That's great, dad
01:24:23That's really great
01:24:24I'm really happy for you, man
01:24:29I gotta go on, I gotta go back on, dad, so
01:24:32And I can't see you after the show, dad
01:24:34Because I told some people I was gonna meet them afterwards, so
01:24:40I'll catch you around, don't worry about it
01:24:46You never liked me, did you?
01:24:49You never liked me, did you?
01:24:52No, you never liked me
01:24:55You know what your problem is?
01:24:57Your problem is that you had it too easy
01:25:01It's not like I beat you or anything
01:25:04You know what, dad?
01:25:05I'm glad you're going to therapy, okay?
01:25:07But you're remembering somebody else's life, alright?
01:25:11Because the shit you did to me and Poochie, dad, is
01:25:15It's just unforgivable
01:25:16It's unforgivable
01:25:17I don't wanna hear those goddamn lies anymore
01:25:19But you're gonna listen to me, old man
01:25:23You're gonna listen to me, dad
01:25:28Because I've been trying to get you to notice me my whole life, dad
01:25:34And if you could
01:25:36If you could just be my hero for one minute, dad
01:25:40Why can't you be my hero for one minute, dad?
01:25:43And do one thing that's gonna help me forgive you
01:25:47You always gotta fuck it up, right?
01:25:48And now that I got something going good here
01:25:50You wanna step on it
01:25:54Now who's the also ran, dad?
01:25:59I knew him
01:26:02Oh, I knew him
01:26:06I knew you were there that day at the restaurant
01:26:12And you never said a word, did you?
01:26:17And I love you for that
01:26:19My way
01:26:21My way
01:26:22Maybe it's not the way you want, but you know
01:26:26Life doesn't always work out the way you want
01:26:30So
01:26:32If this is all you can be and this is all you can do
01:26:35Well, you go out there and you be the best goddamn junkie you can be!
01:26:43Now come over here and give me a kiss
01:26:47Well, not on the lips!
01:27:00And for the first time in my life
01:27:04I saw my father
01:27:07The man in the tux
01:27:10And my father had never accepted what the world was about
01:27:14And my father had never accepted what the world told him he was supposed to be
01:27:19And then it hit me right then and there
01:27:22That I could never escape myself
01:27:24No matter how much I ran or no matter how much I pretended
01:27:30That I was gonna have to own myself
01:27:34And then everything would fall into place
01:27:36Then I could be master of my own destiny
01:27:39Just like my morales and chorus line
01:27:43And every Moreno, Arnez, Puente, Cheech and Chong
01:27:49Freddie Prince before me who had to eat it
01:27:52Live it, get fed up with it, scheme it, Machiavelli it
01:27:56And who dug right down to the bottom of their souls to turn nothing
01:28:00Into something
01:28:03This is for you
01:28:07And to you, Dad
01:28:12Thank you
01:28:42Thank you
01:29:12Thank you
01:29:29What do you think, I'm a freak?
01:29:31I'm not a freak, am I?