A regular girl, Veronica, tries to survive the social jungle of high school by sticking with the three most popular girls at school HD ( Comedy )
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Dear Diary, Heather told me she teaches people real life.
00:00:10She said, real life sucks losers dry.
00:00:13If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.
00:00:17I said, so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly?
00:00:23She said yes.
00:00:24I said, you're beautiful.
00:00:27God, come on, Veronica.
00:00:30What is your damage, Heather?
00:00:32Don't blame me. Blame Heather.
00:00:33She told me to haul your ass into the caff pronto.
00:00:36Back me up, Heather.
00:00:38Yeah, she really wants to talk to you, Veronica.
00:00:41OK, I'm going.
00:00:42Jesus Christ.
00:00:54Hello, Heather.
00:00:56Veronica, finally.
00:00:59I got a note of Kurt Kelly's.
00:01:01I need you to forge a hot and horny,
00:01:02but realistically low key note in Kurt's handwriting,
00:01:05and we'll slip it onto Martha Dumpchuck's lunch tray.
00:01:08Shit, Heather, I don't have anything
00:01:09against Martha Dumpstock.
00:01:11You don't have anything for her either.
00:01:14Come on, it'll be very.
00:01:16The note will give her shower nozzle
00:01:18masturbation material for weeks.
00:01:23Think about it.
00:01:25Don't think.
00:01:33Veronica needs something to write on.
00:01:34Heather, bend over.
00:01:42Dear Martha, you're so sweet.
00:01:45I'm telling you, man, it would be so
00:01:46righteous to be in a Veronica Sawyer, Heather Chandler
00:01:49sandwich.
00:01:50Oh, hell yes.
00:01:52I want to get a Heather and put her on my Johnson's
00:01:54and start spinning around like a goddamn pinwheel.
00:01:57Punch it in.
00:02:25Westerberg feeds the world.
00:02:27Come on, people, let's give that leftover lunch money
00:02:29to people who don't have lunches.
00:02:30Those tater tots you threw away.
00:02:32God, aren't they bad yet?
00:02:35Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?
00:02:37Oh, sure, pilgrims, Indians, tater tots.
00:02:41It's a real party continent.
00:02:42Sawyer, guess what today is.
00:02:45Ouch.
00:02:46Lunchtime poll?
00:02:48So what's the question?
00:02:49Yeah, so what's the question, Heather?
00:02:51Goddamn, Heather, you were with me in study hall
00:02:53when I thought of it.
00:02:55I forgot.
00:02:57Such a pillowcase.
00:03:01This wouldn't be that bizarre thing
00:03:03you were babbling about over the phone last night, would it?
00:03:06Of course it is.
00:03:09I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic,
00:03:11I'd spew burrito chunks.
00:03:22Oh, Veronica, I'm sorry.
00:03:26Betty Finn, gosh.
00:03:28Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday
00:03:29party last month.
00:03:31It's OK.
00:03:32Your mom said you had a big date.
00:03:34I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date.
00:03:37Don't say that.
00:03:38You know what?
00:03:39I was looking around the other day,
00:03:40and I dug up these old photographs.
00:03:45Oh, they're great.
00:03:48Come on, Veronica.
00:03:49I was talking to somebody.
00:03:58Oh, great.
00:03:59It was Heather.
00:04:01Oh, shit.
00:04:03Hi, Courtney.
00:04:04Love your card again.
00:04:06Thanks.
00:04:07I just got a last line delimited.
00:04:09Like, totally blew my allowance.
00:04:12Now, check this out.
00:04:14You win $5 million from the publisher's sweepstakes.
00:04:17And the same day that big head guy gives you the check,
00:04:20aliens land on the Earth and say they're going
00:04:22to blow up the world in two days.
00:04:24What do you do?
00:04:26That's easy.
00:04:28I just slide that wad over to my father,
00:04:31because he is, like, one of the top brokers in the state.
00:04:33If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless.
00:04:38Every cent.
00:04:40You're beautiful.
00:04:42If you're going to openly be a bitch.
00:04:44It's just Heather.
00:04:45Why can't we talk to different kinds of people?
00:04:47Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
00:04:49Do I look like Mother Teresa?
00:04:51If I did, I probably wouldn't mind
00:04:53talking to the geek squad.
00:04:57Did you see that?
00:04:59Heather, number one, just looked right at me.
00:05:02Does it not bother you that everybody in this school
00:05:04thinks that you're a piranha?
00:05:06Like I give a shit.
00:05:11They all want me as a friend or a fucker.
00:05:14I'm worshiped at Westerburg, and I'm only a junior.
00:05:27I can't believe this.
00:05:28We're going to a party at Remington University tonight,
00:05:31and we're brushing up on our conversational skills
00:05:34with the scum of the school.
00:05:38Hi.
00:05:40Hi.
00:05:42So this is what's called a lunchtime poll.
00:05:46You win $5 million in the publisher's sweepstakes.
00:05:49And the same day that What's-His-Face
00:05:51gives you the check, aliens land on Earth
00:05:53and say they're going to blow up the world in two days.
00:05:56What are you going to do with the money?
00:05:58I'd go to Egypt with a girl.
00:06:02I'd use the money for an end of the world get together.
00:06:05I'd pay about a million bucks to sit on my face
00:06:07and have a ride like the Kentucky Derby.
00:06:10It's got to be the most spooky-ass question I ever heard.
00:06:13All right, this is important.
00:06:14After taxes are only beginning, she should pay me, though.
00:06:18You go to the zoo, and you get a lion.
00:06:20And then you put a remote-controlled bomb
00:06:22up its butt.
00:06:22And then there's social security, legal fees.
00:06:25You push the button on the bomb, and you and the lion
00:06:28die like one.
00:06:30What?
00:06:32Oh, my god.
00:06:33Here we go.
00:06:47Oh, my god.
00:06:50Oh, my god.
00:06:54Oh, my god.
00:06:57Oh, my god.
00:06:59Oh, my god.
00:07:00Oh!
00:07:01Ha!
00:07:04Hey!
00:07:05Oh!
00:07:21Hi, Veronica.
00:07:22Five keeps the neighborhood alive.
00:07:23You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.
00:07:26If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.
00:07:29Come on, Veronica.
00:07:31You used to have a sense of humor.
00:07:37Veronica, could you come back here a minute?
00:07:40True friend's work is never done.
00:07:43Gross.
00:07:45Grow up, Heather.
00:07:47Bulimia is so 87.
00:07:49You know, maybe you should see a doctor.
00:07:51Yeah, maybe.
00:07:53Come on, Heather, let's take another look at today's lunch.
00:08:11God, Veronica, drool much?
00:08:15God, Veronica, drool much?
00:08:18His name is Jason Dean.
00:08:20He's in my American History.
00:08:32Hello, Jason Dean.
00:08:34Greetings and salutations.
00:08:37Are you a Heather?
00:08:40No, I'm a Veronica.
00:08:43Sawyer.
00:08:47This may seem like a really stupid question.
00:08:50There are no stupid questions.
00:08:54You inherit $5 million the same day aliens land on the Earth
00:08:58and say they're gonna blow it up in two days.
00:09:01What do you do?
00:09:04That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.
00:09:08Who's that guy in the coat think he is, anyways?
00:09:11Poe Diddley?
00:09:13Veronica's into his act, no doubt.
00:09:15I don't know.
00:09:17Probably row out to the middle of a lake somewhere,
00:09:19bring along a bottle of tequila,
00:09:21my sacks, and some Bach.
00:09:25How very.
00:09:30Come on, Veronica.
00:09:34Later.
00:09:36Definitely.
00:09:39Let's kick his ass.
00:09:41Shit, Ram. We're seniors, man.
00:09:44We're too old for that kind of crap.
00:09:47Let's give him a good scare, though.
00:09:55You're gonna eat this?
00:09:57What did your boyfriend say
00:09:59when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?
00:10:02Answer him, dick.
00:10:04Hey, Ram, doesn't this cafeteria
00:10:06have a no fags allowed rule?
00:10:08Well, yeah.
00:10:10They seem to have an open-door policy
00:10:12for assholes, though, don't they?
00:10:16What did you say, dickhead?
00:10:19I'll repeat myself.
00:10:25God, they won't expel him.
00:10:27They'll just suspend him for a week or something.
00:10:30He used a real gun.
00:10:32They should throw his ass in jail.
00:10:34No way. He used blanks.
00:10:36All J.D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants.
00:10:39Maybe not even that.
00:10:41Can you bleach out urine stains?
00:10:44You seem pretty amused.
00:10:46I thought you had given up on high school guys.
00:10:49Never say never.
00:10:54So what are you gonna do, Heather?
00:10:56Take the two shots or send me out?
00:11:00Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?
00:11:03First you ask if you can be red,
00:11:06knowing that I'm always red.
00:11:12Shit.
00:11:15It's your turn, Heather.
00:11:23Easy shot, Heather.
00:11:25No way, no day.
00:11:27Give it up, girl.
00:11:37Holy shit!
00:11:43So tonight's the night. Are you two excited?
00:11:46I'm giving Veronica her shot,
00:11:49her first Remington party.
00:11:51You blow it tonight, girl,
00:11:53and it's keggers with kids all next year.
00:11:57Why?
00:11:59Why not?
00:12:01Heather, your mother's here.
00:12:03Come on, everyone. It's a ride.
00:12:07Bye. Thank you.
00:12:09Bye. Bye.
00:12:11Hey, take a break. Veronica, sit down.
00:12:14I'm gonna go get a drink.
00:12:16I'm gonna go get a drink.
00:12:18I'm gonna go get a drink.
00:12:20I'm gonna go get a drink.
00:12:22I'm gonna go get a drink.
00:12:24Hey, take a break. Veronica, sit down.
00:12:27So what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like?
00:12:32I don't know. It was okay, I guess.
00:12:35Hey, kid, isn't the prom coming up?
00:12:38I guess.
00:12:40Any contestants worth mentioning?
00:12:43Maybe.
00:12:45There's kind of a dark horse in the running.
00:12:48Goddamn, won't somebody tell me why I read these spy novels.
00:12:52Because you're an idiot.
00:12:54Oh, yeah, that's it.
00:12:56You, too.
00:12:58It's a great pate, but I got a motor
00:13:01if I want to be ready for that party tonight.
00:13:06Corn nuts!
00:13:08BQ or plain?
00:13:10BQ.
00:13:14You gonna pull a super chug with that?
00:13:18No, but if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a slushie.
00:13:22I see you know your convenience speak pretty well.
00:13:26Yeah, well, I've been moved around all my life.
00:13:30Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas,
00:13:34Sherwood, Ohio.
00:13:36There's always been a snappy snack shack.
00:13:39Any town, any time.
00:13:41Pop a ham and cheese in the microwave
00:13:44and feast on a turbo dog.
00:13:46Keeps me sane.
00:13:49Really?
00:13:53That thing you pulled in the calf today was pretty severe.
00:13:57Yeah, well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.
00:14:05Did you say a cherry or Coke slushie?
00:14:08I didn't. Cherry.
00:14:17Great bike.
00:14:19Yeah.
00:14:21Just a humble perk for my dad's construction company.
00:14:25Seen the commercial, right?
00:14:27Bringing every state to a higher state.
00:14:30Wait a minute. Jason Dean.
00:14:32Your pop's big bud Dean Construction?
00:14:35Must be rough moving place to place.
00:14:38Everybody's life has got static.
00:14:41Is your life perfect?
00:14:43Yeah, I'm on my way to a party at Remington University.
00:14:50No, my life's not perfect.
00:14:52I don't really like my friends.
00:14:55Yeah, I don't really like your friends either.
00:15:01It's just like they're people I work with
00:15:04and our job is being popular and shit.
00:15:08Maybe it's time to take a vacation.
00:15:14Yeah.
00:15:20Hello, ladies. Throw your coats on the floor.
00:15:24Veronica, this is Brett.
00:15:26Excellent.
00:15:28Did you girls bring your partying slippers?
00:15:31Let's party.
00:15:33She loves to party.
00:15:36Okay.
00:15:39Dear diary, I want to kill
00:15:42and you have to believe it's for more than just selfish reasons.
00:15:46More than just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.
00:15:49You have to believe me.
00:15:51It's so great to be able to talk to a girl
00:15:53and not have to ask what's your major.
00:15:55I hate that.
00:15:58So, when you go to college,
00:16:01what subjects do you think you study?
00:16:06Come on, David. Shouldn't we get back to the party?
00:16:09We will.
00:16:11It's just so hot tonight.
00:16:14I can't control myself.
00:16:28Oh, Christ, I can't explain it,
00:16:30but I'm allowed an understanding
00:16:32that my parents and these Remington University assholes
00:16:35have chosen to ignore.
00:16:37I understand that I must stop Heather.
00:16:57Come on.
00:17:16How's my little cheerleader, huh?
00:17:21Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight.
00:17:26Come on.
00:17:28I don't feel so good, okay?
00:17:30Let's do one of the coats. It'll be excellent.
00:17:32I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor
00:17:35when he wants more than I'd like to give him.
00:17:38Gee, Blake, I had a really nice...
00:17:40Save the speeches for Malcolm X.
00:17:43I just want to get laid.
00:17:48You don't deserve my fucking speech.
00:17:51Betty Finn was a true friend
00:17:53and I sold her out for a bunch of swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads.
00:17:57Killing Heather would be like offing the Wicked Witch of the West.
00:18:00Wait, East-West? God, I sound like a fucking psycho.
00:18:15What's your damage?
00:18:17Brett says you're being a real coos.
00:18:19Heather, I feel really sick, like I'm gonna throw up,
00:18:21can you please jam now?
00:18:23No. Hell no.
00:18:36Tomorrow I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass,
00:18:39but tonight let me dream of a world without Heather,
00:18:43a world where I am free.
00:18:51You stupid fuck.
00:18:54You goddamn bitch.
00:18:56You were nothing before you met me.
00:18:58You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn.
00:19:01You were a bluebird.
00:19:03You were a brownie.
00:19:05You were a Girl Scout cookie.
00:19:07I got you into a Remington party.
00:19:10What's my thanks?
00:19:12It's on the hallway carpet.
00:19:14I got peed in puke.
00:19:16Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.
00:19:20Monday morning, your history.
00:19:23I'll tell everyone about tonight.
00:19:25Transfer to Washington.
00:19:27Transfer to Jefferson.
00:19:29No one at Westerberg's gonna let you play their reindeer games.
00:19:42Dreadful etiquette, I apologize.
00:19:46It's okay.
00:19:49I saw the croquet set up in the back.
00:19:52You up for a match?
00:20:05Thank you.
00:20:07That was my first game of strip croquet.
00:20:11You're welcome.
00:20:13It's more interesting than flinging off your clothes
00:20:16and boning away on a neighbor's swing set.
00:20:19There's a lot to be said for throwing off your...
00:20:25What a night.
00:20:27What a life.
00:20:29They wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade
00:20:33because I was supposed to be this big genius.
00:20:36Then we decided to chuck the idea
00:20:38because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah.
00:20:42Now blah, blah, blah is all I do.
00:20:44I use my grand I.Q. to decide what color gloss to wear
00:20:47and how to hit three keggers before a curfew.
00:20:59Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die.
00:21:03Killing her won't solve anything.
00:21:07I say we just grow up, be adults, and die.
00:21:12Before that,
00:21:14I'd like to see Heather Chandler puke her guts out.
00:21:18Oh.
00:21:23Trust me, she skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma's
00:21:26even when she's not hungover.
00:21:30We'll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure
00:21:33that'll induce her to spew red, white, and blue then.
00:21:37What about, like, milk and orange juice?
00:21:40What's the upchuck factor on that?
00:21:42I'm a no-rest buildup man myself.
00:21:45Don't be a dick.
00:21:47Stuff'll kill her.
00:21:55I know. We can cook up some soup and put it in a Coke.
00:21:59That's pretty sick, eh?
00:22:02Now, should it be chicken noodle or bean with beans?
00:22:05Should it be chicken noodle or bean with bacon?
00:22:08Put a lid on that stuff.
00:22:10You say we go with big blue here.
00:22:12What are you talking about?
00:22:14She would never drink anything that looked like that anyway.
00:22:19So we'll, uh, put it in this.
00:22:22She won't be able to see what she's drinking.
00:22:25Just let me get a cup, jerk.
00:22:31Okay.
00:22:34Milk and orange juice. Hmm.
00:22:37Well, maybe we could, like, cough up a phlegm glob or two or something.
00:22:41Hmm.
00:22:52No?
00:22:54Oh, well, milk and orange juice will do quite nicely.
00:22:58Hmm. Chicken?
00:23:01You're not funny.
00:23:10Sorry.
00:23:27Uh, Veronica?
00:23:29What?
00:23:31Uh, never mind. I'll, uh, carry the cup.
00:23:39Morning, Heather.
00:23:43Veronica.
00:23:45And Jesse James.
00:23:47Quelle surprise.
00:23:49Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation?
00:23:53Heather, I think last night we boasted a lot of stuff we didn't mean.
00:23:56Did we?
00:23:58How the hell did you get in here?
00:24:00Um, Veronica knew you'd have a hangover,
00:24:03so, uh, I whipped this up for you.
00:24:06It's a family recipe.
00:24:08What did you do, put a phlegm glob in it or something?
00:24:11I'm not gonna drink that piss.
00:24:13I knew this stuff would be too intense for her.
00:24:17Intense?
00:24:20Grow up.
00:24:22You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken?
00:24:29Just give me the cup, jerk.
00:24:50Corn nuts!
00:24:59Oh.
00:25:07Oh, my God.
00:25:09I can't believe it.
00:25:12I just killed my best friend.
00:25:14And your worst enemy.
00:25:16Same difference.
00:25:19Oh.
00:25:25Oh.
00:25:27What are we gonna tell the cops?
00:25:31What, fucking if she can't take a joke, Sarge?
00:25:34Oh, God.
00:25:37I can't believe this is my life.
00:25:40Oh, my God.
00:25:43I'm gonna have to send my S.A.T. scores
00:25:45to San Quentin instead of Stanford.
00:25:48Oh.
00:25:50All right, I'm just a little freaked here.
00:25:54At least you got what you wanted, you know?
00:25:57Got what I wanted?
00:25:59It is one thing to want somebody out of your life.
00:26:02It is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup
00:26:04full of liquid trainer.
00:26:06Oh.
00:26:13Come on.
00:26:30All right, we, uh, we did a murder.
00:26:33Now, that's a crime.
00:26:35But, uh,
00:26:37this were like a suicide thing, you know?
00:26:43Like a suicide thing?
00:26:45Yeah.
00:26:47I mean, uh,
00:26:49you can do Heather's handwriting as well as your own, right?
00:26:53Right?
00:27:01Yeah.
00:27:05You might think what I've done is shocking.
00:27:08Yeah.
00:27:13Um, to me, though,
00:27:16suicide is the natural answer
00:27:18to the myriad of problems life has given me.
00:27:21That's good,
00:27:23but Heather would never use the word myriad.
00:27:25This is the last thing she'll ever write.
00:27:27She's gonna want to cash in
00:27:29on as many 50-cent words as possible.
00:27:31Yeah, but she missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks ago.
00:27:34That only proves my point more.
00:27:36The word is a badge for her failures at school.
00:27:39Oh.
00:27:41Okay, you're probably right.
00:27:43Um, people think
00:27:46just because you're beautiful
00:27:49and popular,
00:27:51life is easy and fun.
00:27:54Yeah.
00:27:56Uh, no one understood
00:27:59I had feelings, too.
00:28:05I'd die knowing no one knew the real me.
00:28:10It's good.
00:28:13Have you done this before?
00:28:19Any other principal would take the same position,
00:28:22keep things business as usual.
00:28:24Heather Channel is not your everyday suicide.
00:28:26She was very popular.
00:28:28Come on, Paul. If I let these kids out before lunch,
00:28:31the switchboard would light up like a Christmas tree.
00:28:33I must say I was impressed to see
00:28:35that she made proper use of the word myriad
00:28:37in her suicide note.
00:28:39I find it profoundly disturbing
00:28:42that we're told of the tragic destruction of youth
00:28:46and all we can think to talk about is
00:28:49adequate morning times and misused vocabulary words?
00:28:52Oh, Christ.
00:28:54We must revel in this revealing moment.
00:28:57Look, I suggest that we get everybody together,
00:29:01both students and teachers, in the cafeteria
00:29:04and just talk and feel together.
00:29:09Thank you, Ms. Fleming.
00:29:11You call me when the shuttle lands.
00:29:13Now, is this Heather the cheerleader?
00:29:16That would be Heather McNamara.
00:29:18Oh, damn.
00:29:20I'd be willing to go a half a day for a cheerleader.
00:29:23God, it's unfair.
00:29:25Just so unfair.
00:29:27We should get off a whole week, not just an hour.
00:29:30Write the school board.
00:29:32Watch it, Heather. You might be digesting food there.
00:29:35Yeah, where's your urge to purge?
00:29:37Fuck it.
00:29:38Look.
00:29:42Heather left behind one of her swatches.
00:29:47She'd want you to have it, Veronica.
00:29:50She always said you couldn't accessorize for shit.
00:29:54Sorry to hear about your friend.
00:29:56Thought she was your usual airhead bitch.
00:29:59Guess I was wrong.
00:30:01We all were.
00:30:05What a waste.
00:30:08Other humanity.
00:30:17Veronica?
00:30:27Veronica? What are you doing?
00:30:31What are you doing?
00:30:41I'm just so...
00:30:44thrilled...
00:30:46to finally have an example of the profound sensitivity
00:30:49of which a human animal is capable.
00:30:52That example is Heather Chandler.
00:30:55I have her note.
00:30:58Now, I'm gonna pass this note around the class
00:31:01so you can all feel its pathetic beauty for yourself.
00:31:06And while we do this,
00:31:08I think it's a good opportunity to share the...
00:31:11feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us.
00:31:15Now, who would like to begin?
00:31:18I heard it was really gnarly.
00:31:20She sucked down a bowl of multipurpose deodorizing disinfectant
00:31:24and then smashed!
00:31:26Now, Tracy, let's not rehash the coroner's report.
00:31:29Let's talk emotions.
00:31:32Um, Heather and I used to go out,
00:31:35but she said I was boring.
00:31:37But now I realize I really wasn't boring.
00:31:40It's just that she was dissatisfied with her life.
00:31:45That's very good, Peter.
00:31:49LAUGHS
00:31:54Are we gonna be tested on this?
00:31:57You know, we weren't the same size,
00:31:59so sometimes we could borrow each other's clothes
00:32:02and mix it up. It was fun.
00:32:04I remember I won her, um, a rhino at the 4-H club.
00:32:08You're an asshole. Mute him.
00:32:10You know, we liked the same kind of clothes.
00:32:13Heather, how many networks did you run to?
00:32:15We liked a lot of the same things.
00:32:17It's just not gonna be the same here without her.
00:32:19What are you talking about? You hated her. She hated you.
00:32:22Every English class, I look forward to seeing her.
00:32:26Heather Chandler's more popular than ever now.
00:32:30Scary stuff.
00:32:32Yeah.
00:32:35Hey, son. I didn't hear you come in.
00:32:38Hey, Dad. How was work today?
00:32:42It was miserable.
00:32:44Some damn tribe of withered old bitches
00:32:47doesn't want us to terminate that flea bag hotel.
00:32:50All because Glenn Miller and his band once took a shit there.
00:32:54Just like Kansas. You remember fucking Kansas?
00:32:58Yeah, that was the one with the wheat, right?
00:33:01Yeah, save the Memorial Oak Tree Society.
00:33:05Showed those fucks.
00:33:07Showed those fucks.
00:33:09Yeah, 30 of those 4th of July fireworks attached to the trunk.
00:33:13A reign but acquitted.
00:33:15Gosh, Pop. I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.
00:33:19Oh. Veronica is my dad, Dad Veronica.
00:33:23Hi.
00:33:26Son, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner?
00:33:30I can't. My mom's making my favorite meal tonight.
00:33:34Spaghetti. Box of oregano.
00:33:37Oh, nice. Last time I saw my mom,
00:33:40she was waving from a library window in Texas.
00:33:43Right, Dad?
00:33:46Right.
00:33:48Son.
00:33:52Right.
00:33:56Hey, take a break, Veronica. Sit down.
00:34:00So, what was the first day after Heather's suicide like?
00:34:04I don't know. It was okay, I guess.
00:34:07Terrible thing.
00:34:09So, will we get to meet this dark horse prom contender?
00:34:14Maybe.
00:34:16Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things?
00:34:20Because you're an idiot.
00:34:23Oh, yeah, that's it.
00:34:25You, too.
00:34:27Great paté, but I'm going to have to motor if I want to be ready for that funeral.
00:34:36I blame not Heather,
00:34:39but rather a society that tells its youth
00:34:43that the answers can be found in the MTV video games.
00:34:49We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio
00:34:54know the name of that righteous dude
00:34:58who can solve their problems.
00:35:01It's Jesus Christ, and he's in the book.
00:35:06Amen.
00:35:13Oh, God, this is a tragic thing,
00:35:16and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it and stuff.
00:35:19Please send Heather to heaven and all that.
00:35:21Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me
00:35:24because I don't think I can handle suicide.
00:35:26Fast early acceptance into an Ivy League school,
00:35:28and please let it be Harvard. Amen.
00:35:31Jesus, God in heaven,
00:35:33why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?
00:35:36It's a joke, man.
00:35:38Jeez, people are so serious.
00:35:40They'll marry who aren't in heaven,
00:35:42pray for all the sinners so we don't get caught.
00:35:45Another joke, man.
00:35:47I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times,
00:35:50and I felt bad every time I did it,
00:35:52but I kept doing it anyway.
00:35:54Now I know you understood everything.
00:35:57Praise Jesus. Hallelujah.
00:36:00Hi, I'm sorry.
00:36:02Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler,
00:36:05but hey, who am I trying to kid, right?
00:36:08I just want my high school to be a nice place.
00:36:12Amen.
00:36:14Amen.
00:36:16Did that sound bitchy?
00:36:22Veronica!
00:36:24What are you doing tonight?
00:36:26I don't know.
00:36:28Morning, maybe watch some TV.
00:36:31Why?
00:36:33Well, Ram asked me out tonight,
00:36:36but he wants to double with Kurt,
00:36:39and Kurt doesn't have a date.
00:36:42Heather, I have something going with J.D.
00:36:45Please, Veronica, put Billy the Kid on hold tonight.
00:36:48He's your best friend.
00:36:53So are we on a nightmare or what?
00:36:56I don't know.
00:36:58Still got to talk to Heather, dude.
00:37:01Weird funeral, huh?
00:37:03That puddwapper just stepped on my foot.
00:37:06Let's kick his ass.
00:37:08Pull off.
00:37:10What are you doing here?
00:37:12Goddamn geek.
00:37:14Ah, well, sit and spin.
00:37:17That little prick.
00:37:31You piece of shit fag, you like to suck big dicks?
00:37:34Cut it out.
00:37:36Say I like to suck big dicks.
00:37:38Leave me alone, Ram.
00:37:40Ow!
00:37:42Say it!
00:37:47Say it!
00:37:49Okay, okay.
00:37:51You like to suck big dicks.
00:37:54Ow!
00:37:56Ow!
00:37:58I like to suck big dicks.
00:38:01Mmm! Mmm!
00:38:03I can't get enough of them.
00:38:05Are you satisfied?
00:38:07Don't worry. Ram's been so sweet lately,
00:38:09consoling me and stuff.
00:38:11It'll be really very.
00:38:13Promise.
00:38:15Okay, just as long as it's not gonna be one of those nights
00:38:18where they get shit-faced and take us to a pasture to tip cows.
00:38:28Is he sleeping, dude?
00:38:30I think so, man.
00:38:34Come here.
00:38:36Oh, shit.
00:38:38God, tipping's the fucking greatest.
00:38:40Punch it in.
00:38:42Ow!
00:38:44Shit.
00:38:46On the count of three, guy.
00:38:48One...
00:38:50Two...
00:38:52Three!
00:38:55Yeah!
00:39:01When I get that feeling,
00:39:03I need sexual healing.
00:39:05Yeah, right, asshole.
00:39:14What is this shit?
00:39:16Oh.
00:39:22I'm doing a favor for Heather.
00:39:24Double date.
00:39:26I tried to tell you at the funeral, but you wrote off.
00:39:28Motherfucking Heather.
00:39:33Sorry, I'm, uh,
00:39:35just feeling a little superior tonight.
00:39:38Seven schools in seven states,
00:39:41and the only thing different is my locker combination.
00:39:47Our love is God.
00:39:50Let's go get a slushie.
00:40:02I'm not belittling the Foodless Fund, Peter.
00:40:05It's just that we're talking teen suicide here.
00:40:07I mean, ask Allison.
00:40:09The number-one song in America today is
00:40:11Teenage Suicide Don't Do It by Big Funk.
00:40:13Jesus, man, Westerberg finally got one of these things,
00:40:15and I'm not gonna blow it.
00:40:17Great. So Heather gets the front page,
00:40:19and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.
00:40:21Hi, guys.
00:40:23Came to check up on this week's lunchtime pool topic.
00:40:26Hey, don't worry about it, Veronica.
00:40:28Sit down, huh?
00:40:30That funeral yesterday must have really been rough, huh?
00:40:34Oh, yeah.
00:40:36We were wondering if you had any poems,
00:40:40artwork that Heather did
00:40:42that we can put in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread.
00:40:44The what?
00:40:46Take a look.
00:40:48It's a two-page layout with her suicide note
00:40:50right up here in the corner.
00:40:54It's more tasteful than it sounds.
00:40:57I don't know, Dennis.
00:40:59This stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
00:41:01Like last night, Veronica?
00:41:06Excuse me?
00:41:08I don't get it.
00:41:10Oh, you did last night.
00:41:12You told us of your little date.
00:41:14Yeah, and?
00:41:16I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.
00:41:18Well, I don't know.
00:41:20He was really detailed.
00:41:22Shut up, Courtney.
00:41:24No, don't shut up.
00:41:26I'd like to know exactly what I did.
00:41:28Come on, Veronica.
00:41:30I'll show you the lunchtime pool topic.
00:41:34What the fuck?
00:41:36Okay, now, I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly,
00:41:39but he said that he and Ram
00:41:41had a fight in your mouth last night.
00:41:43You know what I mean?
00:41:45Ew!
00:41:47That son of a bitch!
00:41:51Hi, Kurt.
00:41:53Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer.
00:41:55Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling, either.
00:41:57I guess my emotions took over.
00:41:59Yeah, I was wondering
00:42:01if you wanted all those things
00:42:03you've been saying to really happen.
00:42:05It's always been a fantasy of mine
00:42:07to have two guys at once.
00:42:09I'm sure you can write to Penthouse for him.
00:42:13Yeah, in the woods behind the school.
00:42:15At dawn.
00:42:17Don't forget Ram.
00:42:27I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note
00:42:30when we're just gonna be shooting them with blanks.
00:42:32Well, we're not gonna be using blanks this time.
00:42:36You can't be serious.
00:42:38Yeah?
00:42:40Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.
00:42:43Wait a second, wait a second.
00:42:45Do you take German?
00:42:47French.
00:42:49All right. These are Ichluga bullets.
00:42:51My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WWII.
00:42:54They're like tranquilizers,
00:42:56only they break the surface of the skin
00:42:59enough to cause a little blood but no real damage.
00:43:02So it looks like the person's been shot and killed
00:43:05and really they're just lying there
00:43:07unconscious and bleeding?
00:43:09Ooh.
00:43:11Right.
00:43:13See, we shoot Kurt and Ram,
00:43:15make it look like they shot each other,
00:43:17and by the time they regain consciousness
00:43:19they'll be the laughingstock of the whole school.
00:43:22The notes, the punchline, how'd that turn out?
00:43:25First tell me the similarity is not incredible.
00:43:30Incredible similarity.
00:43:32Hmm.
00:43:34Okay.
00:43:38Ram and I died the day we realized
00:43:40we could never reveal our forbidden love
00:43:42to an uncaring and ununderstanding world.
00:43:45The joy we shared in each other's arms
00:43:47was greater than any touchdown,
00:43:49yet we were forced to live the lie
00:43:51of sexist, beer-guzzling, jock assholes.
00:43:54That's perfect.
00:43:57Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts
00:44:00I dug up to plant at the scene.
00:44:03All right.
00:44:05Got an issue with stud puppy.
00:44:07Great.
00:44:09A candy dish.
00:44:11Joan Crawford postcard.
00:44:14Good.
00:44:16Some mascara.
00:44:18All right.
00:44:20And here's the one perfecto thing I picked up.
00:44:23Mineral water.
00:44:25Oh, come on.
00:44:27A lot of people drink mineral water.
00:44:29It's come a long way.
00:44:31Yeah, but this is Ohio.
00:44:33If you don't have a brewski in your hand,
00:44:35you might as well be wearing a dress.
00:44:37Oh, you're so smart.
00:44:48Hi, Veronica.
00:44:50Hi, guys.
00:44:53Glad you could make it.
00:45:04So, should I just whip it out, or...?
00:45:07Well, I've made a circle on each side of the clearing.
00:45:10Ram, you come over here.
00:45:13Kurt...
00:45:16When you get to the circle, strip.
00:45:20What about you?
00:45:22I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport.
00:45:26Oh.
00:45:28Good idea.
00:45:38Okay.
00:45:40Count of three, guys.
00:45:43One...
00:45:46Two...
00:45:49Three.
00:45:53Whoa!
00:45:55Did you miss him completely?
00:45:57Yeah, but don't worry. It was worth it just to see the look on...
00:46:00All right, don't move. I'll get him back.
00:46:15Come on.
00:46:20Come on.
00:46:40Ha-ha!
00:46:45Ha-ha!
00:47:11Now!
00:47:16Ha-ha!
00:47:22Hey, I heard it that time.
00:47:24What?
00:47:26Another gunshot from the woods.
00:47:28Oh, shit. Let's roll.
00:47:30Kurt doesn't look too good.
00:47:32Just remember he's left-handed.
00:47:34Keep going.
00:47:36Come on.
00:47:42Mother of shit.
00:47:44Call in.
00:47:46Hey, I heard something out there.
00:47:49I'm checking it out.
00:47:51Yeah, this is Officer McCord.
00:47:53I've got two dead bodies in the woods behind Westerberg High.
00:48:06Oh, shit.
00:48:37Shit.
00:48:45Milner, can you hear me? What's going down?
00:48:47Uh, yeah, yeah.
00:48:49I think what I heard back there was just a bunny rabbit.
00:48:51All I got here is a couple of kids making out in that station wagon.
00:48:54Should I pry them apart?
00:48:56No, no, forget it. I got all the answers back here.
00:49:00Hey.
00:49:03Are they naked?
00:49:06Yeah.
00:49:16Yeah, so, uh, what's the deal?
00:49:18Suicide. Double suicide.
00:49:20They shot each other.
00:49:22Hey, that's Kurt Kelly.
00:49:24Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.
00:49:28Shoot. My God.
00:49:30Suicide. Why?
00:49:33Does this answer your question?
00:49:36Oh, man, they were fags.
00:49:39Listen up.
00:49:41We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love...
00:49:44to an uncaring and ununderstanding world.
00:49:47Jesus H. Christ.
00:49:50The quarterback buggering the linebacker.
00:49:53What a waste.
00:49:55Oh, the humanity.
00:50:02Shit.
00:50:05Shit.
00:50:31So we killed them, didn't we?
00:50:35Of course.
00:50:38Whew.
00:50:50Aah!
00:50:55Aah!
00:51:01Oh, ich, Luke Bolt, I'm such an idiot.
00:51:07Look, you believed it because you wanted to believe it.
00:51:12Your true feelings were too gross and icky for you to face.
00:51:17I did not want them dead.
00:51:21You did, too.
00:51:23I did not.
00:51:25Did, too.
00:51:26I did not.
00:51:27You did, too.
00:51:28I did not.
00:51:29Did, too.
00:51:30Did not.
00:51:31Did, too.
00:51:32Did not, did not, did not. Shut up.
00:51:34I did not want them dead.
00:51:36Little lad, little lad.
00:51:38I know what you...
00:51:42Young love.
00:51:44Did you hear? Schools canceled today...
00:51:46because Kurt and Ram killed themselves in a repressed homosexual suicide pact.
00:51:50No way.
00:51:54God!
00:51:56That football season is over, Veronica.
00:52:00Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer the school...
00:52:03but date rapes and AIDS jokes.
00:52:07Sure.
00:52:10Could we make an ice run before the funeral?
00:52:19If there's any way you can hear me, Kurt, buddy...
00:52:25I don't care that you really were some pansy.
00:52:30You're my own flesh and blood, and, you know, you made me proud.
00:52:37My son's a homosexual, and I love him.
00:52:42I love my dead gay son.
00:52:45How do you think he'd react to a son that had a limp wrist with a pulse?
00:53:01Dear Diary,
00:53:03My teen angst bullshit has a body count.
00:53:07The most popular people in school are dead.
00:53:10Everybody's sad, but it's a weird kind of sad.
00:53:15Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain.
00:53:21I don't know what it's given me, but I've got no control over myself.
00:53:26Are we going to prom or to hell?
00:53:30Now, it seems we were in a similar position on Monday...
00:53:34when I thoughtfully suggested we get everybody together...
00:53:37for an unadulterated emotional outpouring.
00:53:40But no.
00:53:42You took this as an opportunity to play yet another round...
00:53:45of let's laugh at the hippie.
00:53:47Pauline.
00:53:49Shut up, Paul.
00:53:51I've seen a lot of bullshit.
00:53:53Angel dust, switchblades,
00:53:56sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.
00:54:00But this suicide thing...
00:54:03I guess that's more on Pauline's wavelength.
00:54:07Well, we're just going to write off today.
00:54:10And on Friday, she can hold her little love-in or whatever.
00:54:17Attention!
00:54:19May I have your attention, please?
00:54:23This school has been torn apart by tragedy.
00:54:27I'm here today to fuse it back again through togetherness.
00:54:30I want everyone to clasp hands.
00:54:33I want everyone to hold hands.
00:54:35I want everyone to hold hands.
00:54:37I want everyone to hold hands.
00:54:39I want everyone to hold hands.
00:54:41I want everyone to hold hands.
00:54:43I want everyone to clasp hands.
00:54:46We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit.
00:54:50Excuse me, please.
00:54:52Here comes the TV crew. Lock your paws.
00:54:55Miss Fleming, we're ready when you are.
00:54:57Hi there.
00:54:59Come on. Come on.
00:55:01Let's go. Up here.
00:55:03They'll be on TV. Let's show them how you feel.
00:55:06Looks like Miss Flem's on another one of her crusades.
00:55:09Usual success, of course.
00:55:11Come on, freshman, let's get up.
00:55:13Hi, what's your name?
00:55:15Hi, I'm Heather Duke.
00:55:17Hi, I'm Linda Queen.
00:55:19Doc, metalhead, come here. Let's see something together.
00:55:22Is this as good for you as it is for me?
00:55:25No fishnick's gonna wait. Let's go.
00:55:28Come on, kids. Come on, you guys.
00:55:31Don't hurry on this one.
00:55:33We'll see you freshmen out faster.
00:55:36Show them that you care.
00:55:39Greetings and salutations.
00:55:41I'm gonna need a V.H.S. copy of all this
00:55:44by Monday for my Princeton application.
00:55:46Uh-huh.
00:55:48V.H.S., don't let suicide get you down.
00:55:52That thing this afternoon.
00:55:55I'm so angry. It was chaos, fucking chaos.
00:55:59What are you talking about, huh?
00:56:01I mean, today was great.
00:56:03Chaos was great.
00:56:05Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.
00:56:09Face it, our way is the way.
00:56:12I mean, we scare people into not being assholes.
00:56:15Our way is not our way.
00:56:17Oh, yeah? Tell that to the judge, all right?
00:56:20Tell it to Kurt Kelly.
00:56:22Oh, god, brolly.
00:56:24I'm telling it to you.
00:56:26God, you can be so immature.
00:56:29Oh, you kids are making too much damn noise.
00:56:33We beat the bitches.
00:56:35Oh, beautiful. The beaver's home.
00:56:38Judge told them to slurp shit and die.
00:56:42I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.
00:56:46Masterful.
00:56:48And then when that blew,
00:56:51it set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs.
00:56:56You know, some days it's great to be alive.
00:57:02Goddamn ratfighters.
00:57:04Do you like your father?
00:57:07Never given the matter much thought.
00:57:13Like my mother,
00:57:16I don't like my father.
00:57:19You don't like your father?
00:57:22My mother...
00:57:25They said her death was an accident,
00:57:28but she knew what she was doing.
00:57:30She walked into the building
00:57:32two minutes before my dad blew the place up.
00:57:35She waved at me, and then...
00:57:38boom.
00:57:40If I get one more request for that big, fun song,
00:57:44I'm gonna commit suicide.
00:57:46It's playing our song.
00:57:48It ain't suicide. Don't do it.
00:57:52Teenage suicide. Don't do it.
00:57:55Teenage suicide. She blew it.
00:57:58Teenage suicide. Don't do it.
00:58:04That's it. We're breaking up.
00:58:06What? You can't bring him back. You must know that.
00:58:10I am not trying to bring anybody back except maybe myself.
00:58:23No!
00:58:27And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool.
00:58:31Man, if you can't deal with me now,
00:58:33then just stay home and shoot your TV.
00:58:35Blow up a couple toasters or something.
00:58:37Just don't come to school, and don't mess with me.
00:58:44You'll be back.
00:58:52You'll be back.
00:58:58Me and Martha Dump Truck?
00:59:01Where did you get this?
00:59:03Oh.
00:59:05I just had the nicest little chat with Ms. Dump Truck.
00:59:08Got along famously.
00:59:10It's kind of scary how everybody's got a little story to tell.
00:59:14You want to see the canoeing shots?
00:59:16What is this, blackmail?
00:59:22I'll give you a week's lunch money.
00:59:26I don't want your money. I want your strength.
00:59:30I mean, Westerburg does not need mushy togetherness.
00:59:33It needs a strong leader.
00:59:35Heather Chandler was that leader, but...
00:59:38But she can handle it.
00:59:41I think you can.
00:59:44Moby Dick is dunked.
00:59:46The white whale drank some bad plankton
00:59:49and splashed through a coffee table,
00:59:51and now it's your turn to take the helm.
00:59:53What about the photographs?
00:59:55Oh, don't worry.
00:59:57I'll ask you to do me a favor,
00:59:59and it'll be one you'll enjoy.
01:00:01Then you'll get the negatives and everything back then.
01:00:06But in the meantime, strength.
01:00:11Here's a little gift.
01:00:14Heather to Heather.
01:00:21Come on.
01:00:52Guess who?
01:00:54Heather?
01:01:14Hello?
01:01:16Hello, Betty. This is Veronica.
01:01:19I don't believe it. I'm winning.
01:01:23Don't you start getting cocky on me now, girl.
01:01:27You know, I really missed you.
01:01:30I know I'm not as exciting as your other friends.
01:01:33That is bullshit.
01:01:35Shoot.
01:01:37Do you know I'm still a virgin?
01:01:39Okay, I French kissed Al Springer once.
01:01:43It was a total disaster.
01:01:46You know, Betty,
01:01:48your daydreams are a lot better than my realities.
01:01:51Believe me.
01:01:53But now, prepare to die.
01:01:57Ronnie!
01:01:59Well, you're not just gonna go for those two shots.
01:02:01I mean, go ahead. Knock me out.
01:02:05It's the only way to win.
01:02:07Well, I'll do it.
01:02:09I'll do it.
01:02:11I'll do it, okay?
01:02:13Yeah, I'll do it.
01:02:15I'll do it.
01:02:17I'll do it.
01:02:19I'll do it.
01:02:21I'll do it.
01:02:23I'll do it.
01:02:25Go ahead.
01:02:26Knock me out.
01:02:27It's the only way to win.
01:02:30It's not my style.
01:02:33This guy's finished last.
01:02:35I should know.
01:02:45Bravo.
01:02:47Bravo.
01:02:51Listen, I got to get home, OK?
01:02:54OK, thanks.
01:02:57Bye, Betty.
01:02:59Bye.
01:03:01Betty, leaving so soon?
01:03:04I'm red.
01:03:06Bravo.
01:03:07Bravo.
01:03:08Bravo.
01:03:09Bravo.
01:03:10Bravo.
01:03:11Bravo.
01:03:32The Westerberg suicides were tough on all of us.
01:03:36But we shared the pain of losing three very popular singers.
01:03:41I came into the cafeteria, asked them to hold hands.
01:03:45Isn't that the flake we met at the open house?
01:03:48Burst of cleansing synchronicity.
01:03:50TV cameras happened onto our path.
01:03:53Cleansing the synchronicity?
01:03:55Emotional outpouring of emotion.
01:03:58Outpouring of emotion?
01:04:01Look, there's Heather.
01:04:04And there's Heather.
01:04:05Where are you, Veronica?
01:04:07Before a teenager decides to kill himself,
01:04:09there are certain facts that he should know.
01:04:11After all, this is a decision that affects all of us.
01:04:15And there's only one chance to get it right.
01:04:31Getting some supervision.
01:04:33Turn that back on.
01:04:35Can't you see these little programs are eating
01:04:37suicide up with a spoon?
01:04:38They're making it sound like it's a cool thing to do.
01:04:40Are you trying to tell me it is not
01:04:42a time for troubled youth?
01:04:43Stand up straight.
01:04:44All we want is to be treated like human beings,
01:04:47not to be experimented on like guinea pigs
01:04:49or patronized like bunny rabbits.
01:04:51I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
01:04:53Treated like human beings?
01:04:56Is that what you said, little Miss Voice of a Generation?
01:04:59Just how do you think adults act with other adults?
01:05:03You think it's all just a game of doubles tennis?
01:05:05When teenagers complain that they want
01:05:07to be treated like human beings,
01:05:09it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.
01:05:13Yeah, well, I guess I picked the wrong time
01:05:14to be a human being.
01:05:17Well, you will live.
01:05:25Want some pate?
01:05:28Hi, everybody.
01:05:29Door is open.
01:05:31Veronica, have you heard?
01:05:33We were doing Chinese at the food fair
01:05:35when it comes over the radio that Martha Dump Truck
01:05:37tried to buy the farm.
01:05:39She belly flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.
01:05:45Is she dead?
01:05:46No, that's the punchline.
01:05:48She's alive and in stable condition.
01:05:51Just another case of a geek trying
01:05:52to imitate the popular people at the school
01:05:53and failing miserably.
01:05:55Is that pate?
01:05:56OK.
01:05:57Ow.
01:06:01I said I was sorry.
01:06:03You were out of control.
01:06:04I mean, Heather and Kurt were a shock,
01:06:06but Martha Dump Truck, get crucial.
01:06:08She dialed suicide hotlines in her diapers.
01:06:12You're not funny.
01:06:14Look, Martha couldn't take the heat,
01:06:17so she got out of the kitchen.
01:06:19Just think what a better place this world would be
01:06:21if every nimrod followed her cue.
01:06:24Just shut up.
01:06:25I thought Probst was on.
01:06:26Oh, shit, yeah.
01:06:28I mean, like, Skipper's OK, but still, sometimes I
01:06:30feel like I'm on that island, and Gilligan
01:06:32can just be so stupid sometimes.
01:06:34Yeah, well, dude, just remember, you know,
01:06:36if it wasn't for the courage of the fearless crew,
01:06:39the minnow would be lost, and you are too.
01:06:43Next call.
01:06:44That sounded like a good one.
01:06:45Hey, you got the dog catcher.
01:06:48My name is Heather.
01:06:50No, it's not Heather.
01:06:54No, it's Madonna.
01:06:59Jeez, no, not that.
01:07:01Hey, babe, I need a name.
01:07:10My name is Tweety.
01:07:13Tweety?
01:07:15Ooh, tweet.
01:07:17God has cursed me, I think.
01:07:20The last guy I had sex with killed
01:07:23himself the next day.
01:07:28Failing math.
01:07:29My whole life is a mess.
01:07:32I was supposed to be captain of the cheerleading team.
01:07:35She knows we listen to this show.
01:07:38Holy shit, we'll crucify her.
01:07:47Heather told everyone about Heather.
01:07:51Yes, dear diary.
01:07:53I've cut off Heather Chandler's head,
01:07:55and Heather Duke's head has sprouted back in its place
01:07:58like some mythological thing my eighth grade boyfriend would
01:08:02have known about.
01:08:05Heather's even doing the old note trick.
01:08:10I've seen JD's way.
01:08:13I've seen Miss Pauline Fleming's way, and nothing has changed.
01:08:19I guess that's Heather's way.
01:08:21And Jesus, what about JD?
01:08:23I can't get him out of my head.
01:08:26Wait, where's Heather going?
01:08:29Where's Heather going?
01:08:31She's going to cry.
01:08:37Fucking child protector caps.
01:08:43Now, where is she going?
01:08:49Heather?
01:08:52What are you trying to do, kill me?
01:08:54What are you trying to do, sleep?
01:08:59Suicide is a private thing.
01:09:02Heather, you're throwing your life away
01:09:04to become a statistic in the US fucking A to day.
01:09:07Now, that is about the least private thing I can think of.
01:09:11What about Heather and Curt and Ram?
01:09:16Everyone jumped off a bridge with you.
01:09:22Probably.
01:09:27If you were happy every day of your life,
01:09:29you wouldn't be a human being.
01:09:30You'd be a game show host.
01:09:33What do you say we knock off early, buy some shoes,
01:09:35something lame like that?
01:09:38OK.
01:09:46So it's come to this.
01:09:48Heather Chandler did polls.
01:09:50I want you to do a petition as a favor, as the favor.
01:09:55You've heard of the group Big Fun, right?
01:09:58That's right.
01:09:59Teenage suicide, don't do it.
01:10:01Right.
01:10:02Some teeny bopper rag says that they want to play a prom.
01:10:07Now, it could be Westerberg's if we
01:10:08get everybody's John Hancock.
01:10:10I'll get right on it, coach.
01:10:12Oh, a little gift for you.
01:10:14I won't be needing it.
01:10:20Thank you.
01:10:21Thank you.
01:10:50Veronica.
01:10:52Color me stoked, girl.
01:10:54I've gotten everyone to sign this petition,
01:10:57even the ones who think Big Fun are toonless Eurofags.
01:11:00People love me.
01:11:02You know, you haven't signed yet.
01:11:03People love you, but I know you.
01:11:07Jennifer Forbes told me the petition she signed
01:11:09was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria.
01:11:12And Doug Hilton said.
01:11:13Some people need different kinds of convincing than others.
01:11:16Look, just sign the petition, OK?
01:11:18Don't talk to me like that, OK?
01:11:21Look, it was JD's idea.
01:11:23He made out the signature sheet and everything,
01:11:25so why don't you just sign it?
01:11:27No.
01:11:31Jealous much?
01:11:37Heather, why can't you just be a friend?
01:11:39Why are you such a mega bitch?
01:11:43Because I can be.
01:11:45Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?
01:11:49Do you think, I mean, do you really think if Betty Finn's
01:11:51fairy godmother made her cool, she would still hang
01:11:53out with her dweebette friends?
01:11:56No way, Veronica.
01:11:57Uh-uh.
01:12:09Want to go out tonight?
01:12:12Catch a movie, you know, some miniature golf?
01:12:16Just thinking more along the lines
01:12:18of slitting Heather Duke's wrist open,
01:12:20making it look like a suicide.
01:12:21Ah, now you're talking.
01:12:23I could be up for that.
01:12:25I've already started underlining meaningful passages
01:12:28in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.
01:12:33I knew you'd be back, Veronica.
01:12:36I knew it.
01:12:37I was positive, sure.
01:12:44It's over, JD.
01:12:45It's over.
01:12:46Grow up.
01:12:48I don't get it.
01:12:49I mean, you were wrong.
01:12:50I was right.
01:12:54Strength, damn it.
01:12:58Come on, come back.
01:13:09Yes?
01:13:11Your friend Jason Dean stopped by.
01:13:13He seemed very concerned about you.
01:13:15He said that he thought you might try to kill yourself.
01:13:18You have been depressed lately.
01:13:20Oh, he left this for you.
01:13:30Oh, my god.
01:13:33He said that we should keep you away from sharp objects,
01:13:37closed garage doors, chemical substances, prescription drugs.
01:13:45He said that you should be careful of what you say.
01:13:48He said that you should be careful of what you do.
01:13:51He said that you should be careful of what you say.
01:13:54He said that you should be careful of what you do.
01:13:57He said that you should be careful of what you do.
01:14:00He said that you should be careful of what you do.
01:14:03He said that you should be careful of what you do.
01:14:06He said that you should be careful of what you do.
01:14:09He said that you should be careful of what you do.
01:14:13Yeah.
01:14:22Neither love nor reverence wilt thou be kind,
01:14:27and even for hate thou can'st but kill, and all are killed.
01:14:35I like it.
01:14:37It's got that what a cruel world so let's
01:14:40of the abyss type of ambiance, huh?
01:14:45Come on, it's Heather's copy of Moby Dick.
01:14:50Why don't you give it a try, huh?
01:14:52Underline something.
01:14:55Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho.
01:14:59You think you're a rebel?
01:15:00Do you actually think you're a rebel?
01:15:02You're not a rebel.
01:15:03You're a fucking psychotic.
01:15:06You say tomato, I say tomato.
01:15:10Hold it.
01:15:12Eskimo, look at that.
01:15:15It's one word.
01:15:17I love it.
01:15:18I usually go for the whole sentence myself,
01:15:20but this is perfecto.
01:15:22Eskimo, you know, it's so mysterious.
01:15:28Eskimo.
01:15:35Come on.
01:15:37Shit.
01:15:39JD, you are not even listening to me.
01:15:42Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.
01:15:47That knife is filthy.
01:15:50What do you think I'm gonna do with it?
01:15:51Take out her tonsils?
01:15:53Excuse me, I think I know Heather
01:15:54a little bit better than you do.
01:15:56If she was gonna slit her wrist,
01:15:57the knife would be spotless.
01:16:01All right, how's this?
01:16:02Can you see your fucking reflection in the thing?
01:16:07Tomorrow, someone else is just gonna move into her place.
01:16:12That person could be me.
01:16:17Ha, there's only one of us who knows
01:16:19how to do Heather's handwriting,
01:16:21and if you think I'm gonna write another suicide note,
01:16:23you're wrong.
01:16:24You don't get it, do you?
01:16:26Every society nods its head at any horror
01:16:29the American teenager can think to bring upon itself.
01:16:33Nobody's gonna care about exact handwriting.
01:16:36Nobody will.
01:16:47Life sucks.
01:16:52It's perfecto.
01:16:55Jesus, hey, I've got a meaningfully marked up Moby Dick.
01:16:59What else does a suicide need, huh?
01:17:01Now, if you'll excuse me.
01:17:06No!
01:17:12Open the door!
01:17:23Eskimo.
01:17:29Heather Duke underlined a lot of things
01:17:32in this copy of Moby Dick.
01:17:34But I believe the word Eskimo,
01:17:37underlined all by itself,
01:17:40is the key to understanding Heather's pain.
01:17:44On the surface, Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady
01:17:48we all knew her to be.
01:17:51But her soul was in Antarctica,
01:17:55freezing with the knowledge
01:17:57of the way fellow teenagers can be cruel
01:18:01the way that parents can be unresponsive.
01:18:06And as she writes so eloquently in her suicide note
01:18:10the way that life can suck!
01:18:15We'll all miss Sherwood's little Eskimo.
01:18:20Let's just hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus.
01:18:25Is this turnout weak or what?
01:18:27I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.
01:18:32Heather?
01:18:37God, Veronica.
01:18:39My afterlife is so boring.
01:18:43If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...
01:18:46What are you doing here?
01:18:49I made your favorite.
01:18:51Spaghetti.
01:18:53I made your favorite.
01:18:56Spaghetti.
01:18:57Lots of oregano.
01:19:02Dinner!
01:19:05Veronica! Dinner!
01:19:23Dear Diary, last entry.
01:19:26No one can stop J.D.
01:19:28Not the FBI, the CIA, or the PTA.
01:19:32He once told me that the extreme always makes an impression.
01:19:37Well, now it's my turn.
01:19:39Let's see how the son of a bitch reacts
01:19:41to a suicide he didn't perform himself.
01:19:45I'm going to kill him.
01:19:47I'm going to kill him.
01:19:49I'm going to kill him.
01:19:52I'm going to kill him.
01:20:23I can't believe you did it.
01:20:26I was teasing.
01:20:29I loved you.
01:20:32I'm sure I was coming up here to kill you.
01:20:37First, I was going to try
01:20:39and get you back with my amazing petition.
01:20:45It's a shame you can't see what her, uh...
01:20:49It's a shame you can't see what her, uh...
01:20:52fellow students really signed.
01:20:57All right, listen.
01:21:02We students of Westerberg High will die.
01:21:07Today, our burning bodies
01:21:10will be the ultimate protest
01:21:12to a society that degrades us.
01:21:16Fuck you all.
01:21:19It's not very subtle,
01:21:21but, uh, neither's blowing up a whole school now, is it?
01:21:27Talk about your suicide pacts, huh?
01:21:32When our school blows up tomorrow,
01:21:35it's going to be the kind of thing to infect a generation.
01:21:39I mean, it's going to be a woodstock for the 80s.
01:21:46Damn it, Veronica.
01:21:50We could have toasted some marshmallows together.
01:21:56What does she want, a written invitation?
01:21:59Veronica, dinner!
01:22:02Shit.
01:22:08Veronica, I...
01:22:11Veronica, I...
01:22:17I should have let you take that job at the mall.
01:22:21It was just that I was afraid of you coming home late at night, and I...
01:22:35Hey, Mom, why so tense?
01:22:38Why so tense?
01:22:44Hey, Pop, I need some help with my homework.
01:22:48Uh, not right now, Tiger. I'm a little busy.
01:23:09Veronica!
01:23:11J.D. told me you committed suicide last night.
01:23:14Where is he? Where's J.D.?
01:23:16We have to talk.
01:23:18Whether to kill yourself or not
01:23:20is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.
01:23:23Get a job.
01:23:30I'm sorry.
01:23:32I'm sorry.
01:23:34I'm sorry.
01:23:36I'm sorry.
01:24:06I'm sorry.
01:24:36I'm sorry.
01:25:06I'm sorry.
01:25:36I'm sorry.
01:26:06Rodney, where's everybody going?
01:26:09It's Friday.
01:26:11Shit, I need a damn pep assembly.
01:26:14Yeah, you know, these things can get pretty artificial,
01:26:17but, you know, at least you get out of class.
01:26:21Rodney, what's underneath the gym?
01:26:28The boiler room.
01:26:36May I see your hall pass?
01:26:43I knew that loose was too noose.
01:26:47I mean, uh, noose too loose.
01:26:51Goddamn you, woman.
01:26:54Like father, like son.
01:26:56A serious-as-fuck bomb in the boiler room
01:26:58to set off a pack of thermals upstairs.
01:27:02Okay.
01:27:04Let's start by putting the bomb down on the ground.
01:27:11I knew that.
01:27:13I knew that.
01:27:15Okay.
01:27:17Put your hands on your head.
01:27:19You didn't say Simon Says.
01:27:31Okay.
01:27:45Let's go!
01:27:47Let's go, Rockwilders!
01:27:49Let's go!
01:27:51Let's go, Rockwilders!
01:27:53Let's go!
01:28:01Let's go!
01:28:17T-E-R!
01:28:19T-E-R!
01:28:21B-U-R!
01:28:23B-U-R!
01:28:25G!
01:28:27G!
01:28:29T-E-R!
01:28:31G!
01:28:33T-E-R!
01:28:35T-E-R!
01:28:38T-E-R!
01:28:43Woah!
01:28:46Woah!
01:28:48Woah!
01:28:59-♪♪
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