Baby Blues_ God Forbid
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Good morning, Carla.
00:07Oh my gosh.
00:15That's Darryl.
00:16Did you see that?
00:17I can't believe it.
00:18Give me that chair.
00:19It's mine.
00:20I was here first.
00:21I need the lumbar support.
00:22Jack, Bob, what are you doing?
00:23Darryl.
00:24You're supposed to be dead.
00:25Dead?
00:26Kenny announced it at the morning meeting.
00:27We observed 45 seconds of silence.
00:29It would have been a minute, but the coffee cart came.
00:31Hey, Captain.
00:32Kenny, did you tell everyone I was dead?
00:34Did I say Darryl?
00:36I meant Larry.
00:37Larry?
00:38He's got a shoe buffer.
00:40How could you make a mistake like that?
00:42I must have been thinking about the Beverly Hillbillies I watched this morning.
00:45It's the one where Jethro wants to be an astronaut.
00:48Wait a minute. Larry's dead?
00:50Yeah. So anyway, Jethro wants to be an astronaut.
00:52How did it happen?
00:53He read in a comic book that outer space is full of moon maidens.
00:56Larry?
00:57No, Jethro. Focus, Captain.
01:03His heart just went.
01:04And he was 29. He was our age.
01:06Wow. Darryl, if I died, would you remarry?
01:16No. You're the one.
01:19Anyway, now that we have Zoe, I'm thinking maybe we should get more life insurance.
01:23Oh, Darryl. I don't even like talking about this.
01:26It's just a precaution. No one's going to die.
01:31Doggone it.
01:32Stupid.
01:33You're thinking too much, son. Just let it happen.
01:36Steady. Time it to your pulse. Wait for your mother to pass.
01:41Carl, what the hell are you doing?
01:43Oh, hey, Darryl. Just getting ready for our camping trip next week.
01:46You're letting Rodney play with a crossbow?
01:48Oh, he's not playing. He's practicing.
01:50But that's so dangerous.
01:53You got it backwards. What's dangerous is not practicing.
01:56Yeah, well, I believe this is yours.
01:58Kids, what did Mr. McPherson just do wrong?
02:00Handed the arrow point first.
02:02That's right. Safety first, huh, Chief?
02:06Shelby, heads up.
02:10Hey, that's fine, son.
02:12Yeah, Shelby's the only real shot out of the three, but you don't want the others to get discouraged.
02:17My only concern is that my wife and daughter are provided for should anything happen to me.
02:22God forbid.
02:23God forbid.
02:24Well, it sounds like you're describing our platinum policy.
02:27In the event of your passing, God forbid.
02:29God forbid.
02:30Your wife would be extremely well taken care of.
02:42I'm so sorry for your loss.
02:44Oh, Pierre. Help me forget.
02:50What else you got?
02:53I think you'll find our bronze policy will more than adequately cover your basic needs.
02:57Now, who will take care of your child should you both pass away?
03:00Both of us.
03:01God forbid.
03:02God forbid.
03:03But I'm not going to die. He is.
03:06Nevertheless, I need to designate a guardian.
03:10Wow. Who would take care of Zoe if we weren't around?
03:13We've never even thought about it.
03:14Well, I guess the logical choice would be my parents.
03:18Your parents?
03:19They've had experience raising girls.
03:20Yeah, and look how your sister turned out.
03:22Oh, and your parents could do better?
03:24They're very loving.
03:25Try smothering.
03:26We'll get back to you.
03:28How about my cousin Earl and his wife? They're nice and they like to travel.
03:31Avoiding a subpoena is not liking to travel.
03:34How about my Aunt Mary?
03:35The one who constantly repeats old Saturday Night Live catchphrases?
03:39That doesn't make her a bad person.
03:40Hey, Daryl, you one wild and crazy guy.
03:43Okay, forget it.
03:44You look marvelous.
03:46I'm Pat.
03:48Shut up.
03:50Okay, how about my uncle?
03:52Nope.
03:53I didn't say which one.
03:54Don't matter. Don't like any of them.
03:56Fine. You hate everyone in my family except me.
03:58Don't flatter yourself.
04:04I'm sorry.
04:05Me too.
04:06Hey, you know, maybe we should look outside our families.
04:08Why don't we each pick two couples, invite them over and check them out?
04:11Like an audition?
04:12We'll call it a cocktail party.
04:14I know who I'm going to invite.
04:15I know who I'm going to invite.
04:17But it's not as if this is a competition.
04:19Of course not. Our only concern is Zoe's welfare.
04:22Right.
04:25May the best man win.
04:26She will.
04:28Now, Rodney, I don't want you touching any of this equipment.
04:31Okay.
04:33What did I just tell you?
04:34I'm not touching it. Ask Megan.
04:37He's not touching it.
04:39Don't push me, Rodney.
04:40What am I doing wrong?
04:42Oh, you know exactly what you're doing wrong.
04:44You said don't touch it, and I'm not touching it.
04:47You are sailing for a whaling.
04:49I wonder how's the baby?
04:50Hi, Melinda. We're having some people over tonight. Would you mind babysitting?
04:54Oh, sure. We love Zoe.
04:55Can I have a tea party?
04:57That sounds nice.
04:58Daddy, will you come to my tea party?
05:01No.
05:02But I want you to.
05:03I'm not going to a tea party.
05:05I said come.
05:06Megan, I have to get this equipment.
05:12What did I tell you about touching this stuff?
05:14I didn't touch it.
05:16Your stick did.
05:17I am going to get my hunting knife, and then I am going to skin you alive.
05:21Sure you are.
05:22I will.
05:23So we're stopping it.
05:24Oh, don't think I won't.
05:25I'll get it for you.
05:26Don't touch that knife.
05:27I'm not touching it, Megan.
05:28He's not touching it.
05:29Ah, that's it.
05:32Poor Carl.
05:34Rodney knows his dad will always love him one notch more than he wants to kill him.
05:41Here we go. I'm so excited.
05:43Me too.
05:44Tonight we decide who will take care of our precious baby daughter.
05:47Now remember, we promise to keep open minds about each other's candidates.
05:50Absolutely.
05:52Evening, Captain.
05:53You're kidding.
05:54Hey, he's my best friend at the office. He has a good job, and he's a father.
05:57He's Kenny.
05:58Wanda, open minds?
06:01You're right.
06:03Hey, McParents.
06:04Hey.
06:05You're kidding.
06:08Imagine if you fed a child creatine right out of the womb.
06:11You could race a super athlete without black market steroids.
06:14Yes.
06:17And I said, never mind the bulls, I'm more afraid of being trampled by the good people of Pamplona.
06:23Isn't that just crazy?
06:24I can't top that story, so I'll just change the subject.
06:28Have you two ever thought about having kids?
06:30Oh, we definitely want a family.
06:33Really?
06:34We believe there are four keys to raising a happy, healthy child.
06:37Love, encouragement, a little discipline, and unleashing the personal power within.
06:43Oh, are you guys into that whole Tony Robbins thing?
06:47What? No.
06:48Tony Robbins is a nut!
06:52We're moonies.
06:56Let me freshen these.
07:03Can't I even have a cookie?
07:05Not until Zoey finishes her tea.
07:07How will we know? It's pretend tea.
07:10Father, you're making a scene.
07:18Let me tell you, if this little lady ever got knocked up, I would be there for her.
07:22Right. Where would we live?
07:24I got a place.
07:25Our baby is not sleeping in a car.
07:27I'll get the heater fixed.
07:28We'd have to move in with your parents.
07:30Not until my dad apologizes for interrupting us on the couch.
07:34We never made out on your couch.
07:36Oops.
07:37You cheating sack of...
07:39You're going to be lying in that extra mouth when I get...
07:42I guess they are a little young.
07:44Don't feel bad. My top choice threw up in the fireplace.
07:47I'll go get Zoey.
07:51Hi, Melinda. Is Zoey...
07:52Shh.
07:56I guess they tired each other out.
07:58I'd be asleep too, but these filterless give me the shakes.
08:01Look at those two.
08:03Yeah. Promise me you'll never move away.
08:05Rodney and Zoey are so crazy about each other, they'd be heartbroken.
08:12Melinda, can I talk to you about something?
08:15What? I got gum in my hair again?
08:17This may sound odd, but if something happened to me and Daryl,
08:21would you and Carl be willing to take care of Zoey?
08:24Really?
08:25Really.
08:26Oh, Wanda, of course.
08:27Oh.
08:29This is so exciting. We're like sisters now.
08:32I feel the same way.
08:34And Daryl and Carl are like brothers.
08:36Well, um, that's the tricky part.
08:39You see, I haven't run this idea by Daryl yet,
08:42and he and Carl are very... different.
08:45Ah, they just need to get to know each other better.
08:47Hey, why don't you come with us on our camping trip?
08:50Oh, we wouldn't want to impose.
08:52What impose? We're family now.
08:54Oh, Wanda, it's such a good feeling knowing you think so highly of me.
08:58But you know what feels even better?
09:00What's that?
09:01Knowing that my kids will have a good home if something happens to me and Carl.
09:08You got a problem with that, Mom?
09:17So Daryl and I would be guardians for your kids?
09:20I assume this worked both ways.
09:22Don't they already have guardians?
09:24We couldn't get anybody till now.
09:26It's not a problem, is it?
09:29No.
09:30Why'd you hesitate?
09:31Choked up. With emotion.
09:33Well, I guess I'll go tell Daryl we're going camping.
09:36When are you gonna tell him he's Rodney's godfather?
09:42Daryl, I have something to tell you.
09:45Let's take this one step at a time.
09:48Remember to take the paper in.
09:50Uh-huh.
09:51Put different lights on each night so burglars will think someone is home.
09:54Clever.
09:55Water all the plants except the cactus.
09:57And if you hear I've killed myself, would you return my videos?
09:59Daryl!
10:01Bye.
10:02I know it's time to get down everybody's nerves.
10:05Everybody's nerves. Everybody's nerves.
10:08I know it's time to get down everybody's nerves.
10:11And this is how it goes.
10:14I know it's time to get down everybody's nerves.
10:17This is a big mistake, Wanda.
10:19Don't try to have a good attitude.
10:21I'm sorry, but I just don't think Carl would be the right kind of father for Zoe.
10:24I mean, is he really going to know what to do when it's time for her to pick a college?
10:28I don't know about this, Mel.
10:30They're very nice people.
10:31Well, is Daryl really gonna know what to do when it's time for Rodney to pick a militia group?
10:37Look at that kid.
10:39I wonder what poor suckers are stuck with the Bitterman kids if Carl and Melinda kick.
10:44Look, if we make a good impression on this trip,
10:46there'll be someone to raise our kids if we take the big dirt nap.
10:49It's a three-for-one deal, Carl, and you're not gonna blow it for me.
10:52You'll feel differently once you get to know him better.
10:55Fat chance.
10:57Maybe you're right.
10:58You'll feel differently once you get to know him better.
11:00Fat chance. Fat chance.
11:03Hey, Dad, you wanna see a magic trick?
11:05Do I look like I wanna see a magic trick?
11:07You see this dime? I'm gonna make it disappear.
11:10You see this dime? I'm gonna make it disappear.
11:12Okay, close your eyes.
11:14Close my eyes?
11:15Yeah.
11:16It's not a magic trick if I close my eyes.
11:18Come on.
11:19No!
11:20Just close your eyes, Carl.
11:21Okay, fine!
11:24What is that idiot doing?
11:32Thank you, little friend.
11:37Ever see a tent put up before, little man?
11:41Tent's done.
11:45You know, it is kind of nice to get back to nature.
11:48See?
11:49I'm starving, Carl.
11:50What do we bring for dinner?
11:52We don't bring dinner, Daryl.
11:54We shoot dinner.
11:55No, really.
11:56Really.
11:57Whenever we go camping, Carl catches all the food.
12:00Well, I like to keep connected to my basic male essence.
12:03Hey, I know.
12:05Why doesn't Daryl go with Carl?
12:07That's a great idea.
12:09It's kind of rough out there.
12:11I'm sure you two are dying to have some guy time away from us women.
12:14I like women.
12:18Let's go.
12:21You watch.
12:22Those two are gonna come back best friends.
12:24You think so?
12:25I don't know.
12:26I just had three wine coolers.
12:40So, uh, hunt much?
12:42Nah.
12:43I can't see myself ever killing anything.
12:45We don't kill the animals, Daryl.
12:47We honor them by giving them a place in the great circle of life.
12:50You know what I mean?
12:51Yeah, I saw the Lion King.
12:55So, uh, those boys of yours are quite a handful.
12:58Oh, yeah.
12:59But as Hemingway said, you gotta do four things to be a man.
13:02Father a son, fight a bull, plant a tree, and, uh...
13:06Get drunk and blow your head off?
13:09Uh, Carl, it's starting to get dark.
13:11Yeah, but look at that.
13:13Hey, buttercups.
13:14Wanda loves those.
13:16Next to the pretty flowers.
13:18It's a fresh deer print.
13:19How can you tell?
13:20The edges are moist.
13:21And unless I miss my guess...
13:26You know, I think I'll pick some of these and take them home to Wanda.
13:28Yeah, you do that.
13:29You know, they say if you hold this flower under someone's chin and it turns yellow, it means they like butter.
13:34What flower makes you stop talking?
13:36What flower makes you stop talking?
13:47You want burgers or tacos?
13:49Whichever one you feel like, honoree.
13:50Anything's fine.
13:52You sure you didn't want me to go with them?
13:54More chance to bond?
13:56If you hadn't invited them, I'd be drinking a cold one and you'd be pulling the organs out of a deer.
14:01Our entire evening's ruined.
14:07Well, this looks like a shortcut.
14:09This sign says government property.
14:11I'm a taxpayer.
14:23You'll never get it started that way.
14:25Is that so?
14:26You need an accelerant.
14:27What's that?
14:28What's that?
14:35Nice shades.
14:38Wow, you don't even look mad.
14:40You burned off my eyebrows.
14:48Carl!
14:54Well, I'll be.
14:55What is it?
14:56It's an old NORAD missile silo.
14:58They decommissioned these to pay for the Star Wars satellites.
15:00I thought they didn't build those.
15:02Don't kid yourself.
15:03They're watching us now.
15:04Jeepers.
15:06This was once the home of a Titan II nuclear missile.
15:09A Cold War classic.
15:10Wow, it must have been big.
15:12Oh, yeah.
15:13That mother could hug the ground at 100 feet from here to Stalingrad.
15:1720 megaton warhead.
15:2017,000 pounds of thrust.
15:23Take me, rocket man.
15:24Oh, baby.
15:27Ooh, ooh, ooh.
15:32Self-destruct.
15:33Armed.
15:34T-minus 60 minutes.
15:36Uh-oh.
15:37What's going on?
15:38In case of a hostile attack, this thing's designed to go up in a giant fireball.
15:42My bad.
15:44Where are we going?
15:45We just got a little concerned that your parents are taking so long.
15:49Maybe they got eaten by monsters.
15:51Hi!
15:52Rodney, don't frighten your sister.
15:53I'm sure they're just at the nearest airport buying two tickets to Mexico.
15:56Daryl!
15:57Hey.
16:00These tracks are fresh.
16:01You can tell because the edges are moist.
16:03Where'd you learn that?
16:04Picked it up.
16:05Self-destruct in T-minus one minute and counting.
16:09Carl, I'm scared.
16:15Hey, let's see if you like butter.
16:17What are you doing?
16:21Hey, that tickles.
16:22Oh, someone likes butter.
16:24Where'd you learn that?
16:25I picked it up.
16:26Hello?
16:27Wanda?
16:28Daryl!
16:29What are you doing down there?
16:30We were exploring.
16:31We got trapped.
16:32The whole silo's rigged to self-destruct.
16:36Self-destruct in 30 seconds.
16:3929...
16:4028...
16:4127...
16:42It won't budge!
16:43Ron, save yourself!
16:45We have to do something.
16:47What can we do?
16:48This place was designed to withstand a nuclear assault.
16:5021...
16:51Daryl, there's something I haven't told you.
16:54If Carl and Melinda die, I promised that we'd take their kids.
16:59What?!
17:11Come on!
17:133...
17:142...
17:151...
17:20Cool.
17:30A few more seconds, we would've known how this chicken felt when they shoved it screaming into the deep fryer.
17:36During that countdown, all I could think was that we'd never see the kids again.
17:40Yeah, me too.
17:44I gotta hand it to you, Daryl.
17:46You showed me something back there.
17:47How'd you do it?
17:48Oh, uh...
17:49He just thought about what it would mean if you two were out of our lives.
17:53Oh, that's nice.
17:54So sweet, isn't that sweet?
17:55Don't you two go dying on us.
17:57Well, Daryl, you proved yourself to be every inch a man, and I want to honor you.
18:02Honor me, honor me, or kill me, honor me?
18:04We would like you two to be the guardians of our children.
18:09Thanks, Carl.
18:10And if something happened to me and Wanda, we'd like you to take care of Zoe.
18:14Really?
18:15We couldn't think of anybody better.
18:17And that's the truth.
18:18To the next generation!
18:19The next generation!
18:21Rodney, stop poking me!
18:23Fast asleep, can't control body.
18:27Rodney!
18:31Quit poking your sister!
18:32Dad, is that you?
18:33Don't pretend you were sleeping!
18:35What's wrong with Megan?
18:36You were poking me!
18:37I was?
18:38We're making the right choice, aren't we?
18:40Absolutely.
18:41But on the ride home, let's wear seatbelts.
18:43We would anyway.
18:44Honest, Dad, I was asleep.
18:46Oh, you're gonna be sleeping!
18:48And from here on in...
18:49Separate cars.
18:50Bullseye.
18:51Rodney!