Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 3 Episode 5 Homecoming
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TVTranscript
00:00limo a big expensive limo that sounds like fun and then there's our last homecoming dance so
00:06maybe we should make a big deal of it you want to talk fun public bus you meet the funnest people
00:13back me up here us well if it's a dollar issue we could all take my van van the homecoming queen
00:20doesn't go to the dance in a van use your head well technically you haven't been elected yet
00:26although you certainly without a doubt will be who else likes a limo private limo
00:33it is pretty cuddlesome and if we all split the cost um maybe i don't know if i go or not
00:43why wouldn't you go you already have your tickets i mean unless you don't have a date
00:48a or two to think about it we should all think about it what's going on here did scott not ask
00:57her to the homecoming dance yet thanks cordelia humiliation is really good for my color oh um
01:06well no i just i assumed that you would think it was corny or something but i'm in i mean
01:12you know if you are if you want to uh sure i do you know if you want to
01:19well i do if you want to the judges will accept that as a yes do you want me to get you another
01:25drink um no actually uh i'm a little tired i think i'm gonna call it a night
01:36but i'm excited about the dance me too
01:42i know
02:12it's just me here
02:32how are you feeling
02:36it hurts
02:37less good
02:57i haven't told giles and the others that you're back
03:03and i'm not going to
03:13they wouldn't understand that you're
03:17better and i'm going to keep helping you get better
03:24it's just that everything's different now
03:26i'm a senior i'm really working harder in school i'm even thinking about college
03:38and i'm involved with someone
03:57his name is scott
04:05he's a nice solid guy
04:11he makes me happy
04:14and that's what i need someone i can count on
04:23i don't think we should see each other anymore
04:26no you don't
04:32when did this happen where was i
04:36buffy it's just before we were going out you you seem so full of life like a force of nature
04:45now you just seem distracted all the time i know i'm getting better honest in fact from here on
04:53you are going to see a drastic distraction reduction drastic distraction reduction
05:03try saying that 10 times fast i'm really sorry
05:23so
05:53so
06:23so
06:27is that her
06:31in the nubile flesh my friend
06:38that's the target
06:53so
07:24so
07:48the mayor will see you now
07:53you
07:58i'm sorry to bother you sir i'm not bothered alan
08:03well i i'm not sure how serious this is but uh they were spotted in town three days ago i've
08:10just been informed frederick and hans gruenstaller uh wanted in germany for capital murder
08:18terrorism bombing of flight 1402 i should have brought it to your attention sooner
08:24but i wanted to confirm
08:30would you show me your hands please sir
08:36your hands
08:47i think they could be cleaner of course sir i mean i i washed them but
08:55after every meal and under your fingernails dirt gets trapped there and germs and mayonnaise
09:03my dear mother said cleanliness is next to godliness and i believed her she never caught
09:09a cold i'd like these two to be put under surveillance and i'd like to know if any
09:18other colorful characters have come to town i'll take care of it you have all my faith
09:39so
09:51you have to help me pick an outfit i want to wear something that makes
09:55oz go oh no problem i got the tux going on i'm gonna look hot if it even remotely fits
10:01what you doing checking out the i laughingly use the phrase competition holly charleston
10:11nice girl brain dead doesn't have a prayer michelle blake open to all mankind especially
10:18those with a letterman's jacket and a car she could give me a run where's buffy she's gonna
10:24miss the yearbook pictures buffy and faith are in the library getting all sweaty they're training
10:31i stand by my phrase i don't think she was here the day they announced them
10:36did anybody tell her i'll tell her now i have to go to the nurse's office for an ice pack anyway
10:41did you hurt yourself no silly it shrinks the pores
10:53man guys should break up with you more often gee thank you no i mean it i mean you really got some
11:00quality rage going really gives you an edge edge girl just what i always wanted to be
11:08well screw him all right you move on and you party heavily you'll be fine i mean you're
11:14still going to that dance right maybe you got the tics already why don't we go together
11:21i don't know about that come on find a couple studs we'll use them and discard them that's
11:27always fun okay i'm in not the stud using part though or probably not
11:41uh bobby mishad you don't phone you don't bite where's the love
11:58miss moran hi so glad that i ran into you um i had this little incident last year of
12:06getting kicked out of school and i'm back now though i've done all of my makeup tests
12:12but i still need one written recommendation from a teacher i think the word the principal
12:18snyder used was glowing uh to put in my file so i can prove that i belong here and um you are
12:27buffy buffy summers third row i sat by the window uh your class contemporary
12:35american heroes from amelia erhart to maya angelou the class that changed my life
12:42were you absent a lot um buffy
12:46me hi i hope you'll consider me for homecoming queen
12:59i can't believe it my favorite teacher and she didn't even remember who i was
13:05i'm like a non-person am i invisible can you see me biggest lie
13:12but henry i was prom princess i was fiesta queen i was on the cheerleading squad
13:20and the yearbook was like a story of me now it's senior year and i'm going to be one crappy
13:26picture on one eighth of one crappy page uh no actually you're not what do you mean
13:34well you uh missed the picture taking when why we did a mess today didn't cordelia tell you
13:46thanks for your support
13:49buffy you look so cute in that outfit i'm not voting for you then make it snappy how come you
13:55didn't tell me they were doing the yearbook pictures didn't i oh i guess i forgot what's
14:01the big it's just you could have thought about somebody else for 30 seconds that's all
14:07hey i am under a lot of pressure here oh yeah campaigning rough gig what would you know about
14:14it just because you're a guacamole queen when you were three doesn't mean you understand how this
14:19works obviously it involves handing out entirely lame flyers no it involves being part of this
14:26school and having actual friends now if it was about monsters blood and innards then you'd be a
14:35shoo-in i'd like to see you try to win the crown you would
14:45then you will what does that mean
14:51i'm gonna show you how it's done i'm gonna run for homecoming queen and i'm going to win
14:57this is starting to be sad sorry cordy but you have no idea who you're messing with what this
15:04slayer i'm not talking about the slayer i'm talking about buffy you've awakened the prompt
15:12queen within and that crown is going to be mine competition competition is a beautiful thing
15:25it makes us strive it makes us accomplish occasionally makes us kill we all have the desire
15:35to win i mean whether we're human vampire
15:45whatever the hell you are my brother you got spiny looking head things i ain't never seen
15:51that before i am kulak of the meek white clan isn't that nice point is you're all here
16:01for the same reason well it sure ain't no philosophy class now is it mr gorch
16:07my account statement says that your deposit has not yet been made
16:12when we in candy we're blowing our whole honeymoon stash on this little game here
16:21they're dirty they're non-consecutive
16:28the games will begin in a few days time the first target buffy you've all seen the second faith is
16:37a little more elusive but they will both be together and ready for the killing and
16:44that is a money-back guarantee ladies gentlemen spiny-headed looking creatures
16:55welcome to slayer fest 98
17:11what do you think of this
17:16nice it's my first big dance you know where there's a boy and a band
17:24and not just me alone in my room pretending that there's a boy in a band
17:29you just want it to be your special that's why i spared no expense on the tux
17:35the tux i thought you uh borrowed it from your cousin rigby expense to my pride will
17:42there are only relations with money and they shun us as they should
17:46what do you think about this
17:55nice
18:05what i was just
18:09i remember the eighth grade cotillion you had that clip on yeah it was pretty
18:15styling with the clip on now here we are and it's homecoming and we should face it well
18:23you and i are going to be a neighboring rest home while i come over so you can adjust my um
18:29my uh well i can't think of anything it's not really gross
18:34so uh you want odds i know i put this are we on first second or uh ye gods that's none of your
18:52business alexander harris oh rounding second you don't know that what about you and cordelia
19:02oh a gentleman never talks about his conquests oh yeah well since when did you become a
19:13gentleman
19:17i know nice i was gonna go with gorgeous
19:24i don't know if i can dance in this
19:28really you too i mean in a guy way
19:36oz is very lucky
19:40so is cordelia he in a girl way
19:44i don't know if i can dance in this i don't know if i can dance come on piece of cake here
19:55well that seems to
20:04this shouldn't be a problem no
20:08no
20:12no problem
20:13me
20:33that didn't just happen no i mean it did but he didn't because i respect you and us and i would
20:40never i would never either it must be the clothes it's a fluke it's a close
20:46fluke that's what it is and there'll be no more fluking not ever
20:52we gotta get out of these clothes right now oh i didn't mean i didn't mean either a campaign is
20:59like a war it's won or lost in the trenches holly michelle and our real competition cordelia
21:06all have big head starts speaking of big heads if i had a watermelon as big as cordelia's i'd be rich
21:16waits for laugh
21:20okay you're right making fun of the competition only makes me seem petty
21:24now this is just like any other popularity contest i've done this before the only
21:30difference being this time i'm not actually popular although i'm not exactly unpopular
21:36a lot of people came to my welcome home party but they were killed by zombies good point okay
21:43here's the plan willow i need you to make a database see who's for us who's on the fence and
21:49where our real crisis areas are oz you take the french musicians those not normally inclined to
21:57vote xander what uh cordelia okay look i know this is a little awkward but i don't see any
22:06reason why we all can't get along during this campaign time i mean we're almost friends and
22:14we are all riding together in the limo yeah great willow has a database coming uh it's
22:23it's just about done xander i got you new flyers let's get cracking
22:36she's my girlfriend
22:40it's just that she needs it so much more than you do
22:46as willow goes so goes my nation
22:49thanks for what you said buffy i think we're getting along great don't you
23:10seems like a lot of fuss for one little title well you know it's no fun if you don't try and
23:18go fun if you don't try your best as long as fun is still in the mix sure
23:26it's not like anyone takes it that seriously
23:48the man
24:05i don't know
24:18i don't know
24:35sorry here
24:40i heard you were doing this uh yeah it's just something to pass the time
24:47it's silly really i don't think so
24:51for what it's worth you have my vote no i don't want you to feel thank you
25:16because i don't know
25:34i don't know
25:47hey hi how are you you good you look good anything new hey did i mention you look good
25:58willow it's okay that you're helping cordelia we're best friends i'm not gonna hold it against
26:04you no i'm not a friend i'm a rabid dog who should be shot but their forces at work here
26:12dark incomprehensible forces and i'm sure they're more important than how we've been through
26:18together or the number of times that i've saved your life what do you want 15 minutes alone your
26:27computer with cordelia's database okay good oh so i spoke to the limo people and we're all set
26:36they'll pick up faith then me then swing by and get you guys
26:40now what's your database tell you about my weaknesses
26:49you know jonathan i've always felt a special bond between you and me
26:56cordelia gave me six bucks that buys a whole lot of cupcakes are you kidding i've been doing the
27:04vulcan death grip since i was four so you really are giving out money huh is that any more tacky
27:12than your foe i'm shy but deep campaign posters yes this whole trying to be like me really isn't
27:21funny anymore i was never trying to be like you and when was it funny i don't see why your pathetic
27:28need to recapture your glory days gives you the right to splinter my vote how can you think it's
27:34okay to talk to people like this do you have parents yeah two of them unlike some people
27:43your brain isn't even connected to your mouth is it what do you do is both a favor and stay out of
27:48my way don't ever do that again you're sick you know that okay let's not say something we'll uh
27:57regret later okay you crazy freak vapid whore like that what did you call me
28:05this is just the worst thing that's ever happened ever i know i know it's just
28:15when i look at you now it's like i'm seeing you for the first time i'm talking about buffy and
28:21cordelia me too what are we gonna do i mean we have to do something this is all our fault
28:31how do you get from chick fight to our fault because we felt so guilty about the fluke we
28:37overcompensated helping cordelia and we spun the whole group dynamic god of orbit and we're just a
28:44big meteor shower heading for earth okay calm down let's just put our heads together and think of
28:50something okay now one of us here is pretty darn smart and i am just in hell i mean i i thought
29:00being a senior at last and and having a girlfriend at last would would be a good thing now why
29:07wouldn't that be a good thing what sometimes when you're falling to pieces your mouth it just
29:18this is the sweetest thing
29:26what are we gonna do we just have to get the two of them communicating i'm talking about us
29:48so
29:57what's going on here where's faith
30:07dear cordelia and buffy we won't be riding to the dance with you we want you to work
30:12out your problems because our friendships are more important than who wins homecoming queen
30:18here friends p.s the limo was not cheap work it out
30:28well
30:33they bought us corsages i took the orchid
30:38okay
30:48so
30:58i don't see what the big deal is i'm not making a big deal you wanted the orchid you got the orchid
31:07it goes with my complexion better it does have that sallow tint
31:13and finally we're here
31:31what is this okay guys we've had enough of your stupid little games
31:38what's massively wrong with this picture
31:43oh ladies welcome to slayer fest 98 what is the slayer fest you ask well as in most of life
31:59there's the hunters and the hunted can you guess where you two fall from the beginning of this tape
32:07you have exactly 30 seconds no that's 17 now to run for your lives faith buffy have a nice day
32:28hello how stupid are you people she's a slayer i'm a homecoming queen
32:38you
32:40you
33:00what are you two so mopey about no we're not moping we're grooving i know this is ben
33:08he's a great guy
33:11he wrote this song for me
33:25we have to find buffy something terrible's happened
33:28just kidding thought i'd give you a scare
33:32those finger sandwiches
33:38so
33:46i have an idea we talk to these people we explain that i'm not a slayer and they let me go
34:08that's kind of smart now i can let you out of that or i can put a bullet in your head
34:14how many are there in this little game and what are they packing
34:20there's me two germans with ar-15s and grenade launcher yellow skin demon with long knives
34:28vampire couple from texas named gorge that everybody everybody's out here
34:34germans are wired their boss is tracking them on computer
34:37now get me out of this could i just ask you an
34:40antsy favor could you just tell your friends that i'm not
34:53scott there you are honey hey good news doctor says that the itching and the
34:59swelling and the burning should clear up but we gotta keep using the ointment
35:03hi
35:15i suspect the uh finger food contains actual fingers i i think i'll retreat to the library
35:23until the coronation i want to be here when when buffy well uh however the thing turns out
35:30for me and and that was a a very fine thing you you two did putting buffy and cordelia together
35:44we did one fine thing yeah they've been gone for a while they must really be getting into it
35:53so
35:59we should be safe in here for a while you need to find a weapon
36:04safe i'm not safe i'm gonna die
36:15yeah you are if you just stand there
36:17i'm never gonna be crowned homecoming queen i'm never gonna graduate from high school
36:25i'm never gonna know if it's real between me and xander if it's just
36:30some temporary insanity that made me think i loved him and now i'm never gonna get the chance to tell
36:40him yes you are we are gonna get out of here and we are gonna head back to the library where
36:47giles and the rest of the weapons live then i'm gonna take out the rest of these guys
36:52just in time for you to congratulate me on my sweeping victory as homecoming queen
36:58i know what you're up to you think if you get me mad enough i won't be so scared
37:03and hey it's working where's a damn weapon
37:16you really love xander well he kind of grows on you like a chia pet
37:25that's it just this and a telephone a telephone and you didn't think that'd be helpful
37:34no this is better for
37:38oh
37:42you're about to see why daniel boone and that idiot demon are creatures of the past
37:49why i am the future i'm picking up a signal
37:56they've got a phone if you get this message dials get help and get out here
38:00here hello what happened i went dead
38:14want me to cut that leg off no thanks
38:18uh
38:24continue proceeding south 90 meters to vector three
38:41giles it's me and cordelia we're in a cabin in miller's woods and we're in big trouble
38:47oh
38:50why is it every time i go somewhere with you it always ends in violence and terror
38:56welcome to my life i don't want to be in your life i want to be in my life
39:03well there's the door please feel free to walk out at any time of your life
39:10all i wanted was to be homecoming queen
39:12and that's all i wanted to cordelia
39:19it's been a year's allowance on this dress
39:22i didn't even get why you care about homecoming when you're doing stuff like this
39:29because this is all i do this is what my life is
39:42you couldn't understand
39:47i just thought i'm coming queen i could pick up a yearbook someday and say i was there
39:57i went to high school i had friends and for one moment i got to live in the world
40:05and there'd be proof
40:12proof that i was chosen for something other than this
40:22besides i look cute in a tiara do you hear
40:36uh
40:57cordelia the spatula
40:59uh
41:03prepare to launch
41:11targets in range ready your weapon y axis 53 degrees west by eight degrees south
41:30so
41:56we gotta get back to the library
41:59so
42:16that easy darling these things go through you faster than grandpa pizza chili i want to do
42:22buffy my wedding present for what happened to your poor brother when's she coming
42:31well he's her watcher she'll show just as soon as she gets rid of some more competition
42:37they're heading west back into town they gotta wait temporarily
42:53oh give it up for the slaves they got character
43:03i'll take care of it
43:08good evening gentlemen how may i help you excuse me anybody got a woman here
43:20jungle bob and spikehead are down and out we've lost the germans twice but they seem to keep
43:23finding us if we take them out and the gorges we can still make homecoming
43:27those animals hunting us down my poor defenseless well animals
43:33us we just need to find
44:04him i'm gonna kill both of you slayers for this you hear me i hear you you redneck moron
44:12you got a dress that goes with that hat rip out my innards play with my eyeballs
44:18blow my brain and eat it for brunch listen up needle brain buffy and i have taken out
44:24four of your cronies not to mention your girlfriend wife whatever the point is i
44:29haven't even broken a sweat see in the end buffy's just the runner up i am the queen
44:36you get me mad what do you think i'm gonna do to you
44:39later
44:59i should teach him to mistake you for a slayer
45:03yes i must admit i do feel partly responsible i did give your friends tacit approval to make
45:08the switch in the limousine that's okay gave corn i a chance to spend some quality death time
45:16i haven't got these free corsages oh that's nice
45:22although i don't recall them mentioning corsage
45:25jungle bob said that the germans were hooked into a computer system
45:30and they're hooked into us
45:44oh god get rid of these things i need some wet toilet paper yeah that'll help
45:49transmitting coordinates now
46:0150 feet away
46:07so
46:17axis six degrees by 43
46:22i have them both in range
46:29i have the targets together 20 feet north and stationary final position is locked fire when
46:36ready both targets 7 degrees by 35
46:51adjust by 10 degrees fire
47:06beep
47:14i won
47:22hello nice to meet you yeah hi it's a pleasure where am i in my office i'm richard wilkins
47:40i'm the mayor of sunnydale and you're mr trick please sit down
47:46that's an exciting suit
47:53little clothes make the man yep as i understand it you're not a man exactly mr trick i've been
48:04the mayor for quite some time i like things to run smoothly this is a very important year for me
48:11election year something like that
48:16if this is the point where you tell me that i don't fit in here in your quiet little neighborhood
48:20you can just skip it because see that all got old long before i became a vampire do you know
48:26what i'm saying do you have children children are the heart of a community they need to be
48:34they need to be looked after controlled the more rebellious element needs to be dealt with
48:42the children are our future we need them i need them if this rebellious element means who i think
48:52it does then that problem may be taken care of this very night so i've heard that's a very
49:01enterprising idea you have slayer fest i love that name by the way you see that's the kind of
49:08initiative i need on my team but if i don't want to be a part of the team oh no that won't be an
49:16issue so you and i are going to get along very well moist towelette
49:30hey guys moment we've all been waiting for
49:35but first they're gonna announce the queen where are they what's keeping them
49:40i'm gonna go with mud wrestling
49:46oh god what did you two do to each other long story got hunted apparently not that long
49:57tell you one thing though you don't want to mess with cordelia
50:03no this envelope i hold the name of this year's homecoming queen
50:10after all that we've been through tonight this whole who gets to be queen capade seems pretty
50:16damn important oh yeah and the winner is
50:28hey i believe we have the first for sunnydale high we have a tie the winners are holly charleston
50:36holly charleston and michelle blake
50:55i'm just so honored i can't believe it i mean like you would pick me
51:02you ask me i've never grown the whole school it's just so wonderful
51:11i promised myself i wasn't gonna cry
51:32so
51:53grr argh