Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 5 Episode 5 No Place Like Home
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Thank you, kind proprietor.
00:02Just don't touch anything.
00:04She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody.
00:08Just your sister.
00:10Boy, is she in for a surprise.
00:12Who are you?
00:18You know Walsh pumped all those chemicals and crap into us?
00:21You got more than anyone.
00:22I'm taking you to the doctor.
00:24The one from the government, you mean?
00:25Like the ones who did this to me in the first place?
00:27All patched up.
00:29How's it going in there?
00:32Good.
00:34Back to normal.
00:44God, I love you so much.
00:59♪♪♪♪
01:09♪♪♪♪
01:19♪♪♪♪
01:29♪♪♪♪
01:39♪♪♪♪
01:50Just worst chlovyeka.
01:53♪♪♪♪
02:03♪♪♪♪
02:16I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
02:19I've always wanted piano lessons.
02:21But really, I'm surprised we have all this unexpressed rage.
02:32But honestly, I think I'm expressing mine better.
02:37I'll tell you what.
02:42You find yourself a good annual management class.
02:46And I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart.
02:54I think that sets the world's speed record for closure.
02:58Hey.
03:01Miss, if you're looking for one of those rave parties,
03:04I'm afraid you might have chased a bunch of kids out of here last night.
03:08Oh, right, yeah. Darn.
03:11My fellow ravers will be so disappointed.
03:14It was my turn to bring the bug cake.
03:17You know, if it was my call, I'd let you do whatever you want.
03:20It's not like anybody's using this place or nothing.
03:24You just don't pay me enough to argue with the boss, so...
03:27Already gone?
03:28Oh, hey, hold up, miss.
03:29Take you, uh...
03:32Whatever this is with you.
03:37Ball balls, huh?
03:39I swear I don't get your generation.
03:42Now, what is that thing?
03:45I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
04:12I'm sorry.
04:13I'm sorry.
04:14I'm sorry.
04:15I'm sorry.
04:16I'm sorry.
04:17I'm sorry.
04:18I'm sorry.
04:19I'm sorry.
04:20I'm sorry.
04:21I'm sorry.
04:22I'm sorry.
04:23I'm sorry.
04:24I'm sorry.
04:25I'm sorry.
04:26I'm sorry.
04:27I'm sorry.
04:28I'm sorry.
04:29I'm sorry.
04:30I'm sorry.
04:31I'm sorry.
04:32I'm sorry.
04:33I'm sorry.
04:34I'm sorry.
04:35I'm sorry.
04:36I'm sorry.
04:37I'm sorry.
04:38I'm sorry.
04:39I'm sorry.
04:40I'm sorry.
04:41I'm sorry.
04:43I'm sorry.
04:44I'm sorry.
04:45I'm sorry.
04:46I'm sorry.
04:47I'm sorry.
04:51I'm sorry.
05:06Don touched nothing,
05:09breakfast for once. I don't need you doing that. Morning, guys. Oh, check out the pamper mom
05:23platter. You two do all this? Oh, Buffy helped. I didn't help. Oh, I'm sure you did.
05:31So, neither of you's pregnant, failing, or under indictment? Just checking. We knew you
05:40were feeling less than great, so... Yeah, the headaches they said would go away came
05:45back and brought some friends along with. Well, what did the doctor say? Oh, take four
05:51of some pills a day and come back for tests. So they don't know what's wrong? Well, not
05:56yet. Well, that's unacceptable. I think we should get a second opinion. Well, we need
06:01a first opinion first, honey. Okay, we'll go right now. Buffy. I know you're concerned,
06:07okay, but don't be. I'm still the mom, which means I get to worry about you two, which
06:13is a good thing, because you're a vampire slayer. And you, you are my little pumpkin
06:19belly. Mom, that's like my kid name. So I can't be retro? Did you ever have any names
06:27for me? No, I think you were always just Buffy. I got some names for you. What are you doing
06:38hanging around here? Isn't this Giles' big day? Oh, bigger than big. It's his grand opening.
06:45So go. Bring me back a, I don't know, a flying broomstick or something. Those never really
06:54work. Whatever. Book club tonight? Mm-hmm. You guys have a book club? Okay, I'm gonna
07:07go. I will be back later. What time is your doctor's appointment? I just want to know.
07:14Take it easy. I want you to relax all day. Keep your feet up. Plenty of Oprah. Plus,
07:20you can check my Rainforest Report, and you know there's like 80 bajillion old board games.
07:24Hey! You said I couldn't come. I'm changing my mind.
07:44I told you you couldn't ditch me. Whoa. Mr. Giles. This place is so...
08:13Wow. I mean, check out all the magic junk. Our new slogan. So when's it open? You know,
08:21for customers? Since nine this morning, actually. Don, go. Browse. And you break it, you bought it.
08:31Heard you the first 60 times. Still not to worry. You know, I have good feelings about this place.
08:40You know, magic's a small niche market, but well, you know, think about it. Sunnydale,
08:47Monsters, Supply and Demand. They'll be lining up around the block in no time.
08:54Yeah. You'll be making money, hand over fist.
08:57Which I guess is a good thing. Is it all right? You seem a little distracted.
09:10It's just my mom's still sick, and we have no idea what the deal is.
09:15She is getting medical attention. Yeah. We have a highly trained medical staff
09:20working around the clock to tell us diddly. I'm sorry. Still, you know, time and patience,
09:26both great comforts. Giles, where's your hat and cloak?
09:34Yeah, the hype was out of control. Well, you got to see this. They have the coolest talisman.
09:42Mans tell us guys. Actually, I have a little Scooby centric deal to deal with first.
09:49I put this for the group. What the hell is it?
09:55Just a bit paranormal in origin. How can you tell?
09:59Well, it's so shiny. I found it on patrol.
10:04Maybe more where that came from. I say we go back out again tonight.
10:10Sure. You came on patrol. Buffy said. No, I didn't.
10:16No, I didn't. Yeah. Remember, you said it'd be easier if you didn't have to look out for anybody.
10:21Well, I wasn't talking about Riley. Don't worry about it. Oh, she just said you look even cuter
10:26and you're all weak and kidney, and she'd better go solo or you'd get hurt.
10:31So welcome to the club. She'll never let me go either.
10:35What? What?
10:45Giles, you got that danger room set up out back? I'm feeling the need for a little physical rehab
10:51about now. Of course. Yes. Any customers do.
10:55Don, we're going. Buffy, wait.
11:00Go easy on her. Why?
11:04I can't help it. I just have all this involuntary empathy for Don because she's, you know, a big
11:11spaz. She's so annoying, especially now that mom's sick. She's all over her while I have to be the
11:19grown up. And the two of them are like the Giggle Twins. And why can't I ever be little pumpkin
11:25belly? While I don't feel qualified to address the last part, I can tell you that Don's not just
11:32the youngest. She's the baby. Maybe your mom needs that right now. Don doesn't care what my mom.
11:43You just have no idea how much I wish I were an only child these days.
11:55Oops.
12:01Can't all people have a big fancy chosen one reflexes now? Mom? Mom? What's wrong?
12:14It's just my head. I'm taking you to the doctor. No, sweetheart. I'm fine.
12:21We don't know that. We don't know anything. We're going. I just need my prescription, please.
12:31Hospital pharmacy open. 10 minutes.
12:41No. Hey, it's Buffy, isn't it? Ben, but you can call me man nurse. Everybody else.
12:53I have important instructions. All right. Now you're hurting the nice intern who's here to
12:59help you. I need nine cc's of phenobarbital on this. Or not. Let's strap him real good.
13:09Promise. You know, not to be rapidly sexist in the workplace. You get some serious muscles for a
13:15girl. I am radioactive spider. But I'm a doctor. Well, almost. Does it even help? Does it make a
13:27damn bit of difference? I've met this guy. He's a security guard. He's not crazy. If you say so.
13:35They counted you. Don't think you're a puppet, missy.
13:41They count you the family. They get to your family.
13:48What do you mean? Let's get him to exam one. Now would be nice.
13:53I'm really sorry about that. Here. For your mom. Yeah, thanks. She's not feeling better?
14:08Not yet. But she she will be starting to figure out what's wrong.
14:22So
14:29so
14:33so
14:49through
15:03so
15:14there you are. I've been looking all over for you.
15:26Thank you for choosing to shop at the magic box. And please do come again.
15:39Do you see that? Customers, real life customers. They came in and I gave them things and they
15:45gave me money and then they left. It's brilliant. Congratulations. You're an official capitalist
15:54running dog. But I got to tell you, on the Orbula trial, we're batting zeros.
16:00Oh, then we'll just have to keep trying. If there's anything you need help with, let me know.
16:08You're conjuring pirates grotesquely overpriced.
16:14I'm sorry. I'm nearly out of money. I've never had to afford things before and it's making me
16:20bitter. The change is palpable. That stuff doesn't come cheap. Well, you're getting ripped off.
16:27I can hook you up direct with the troll that sheds it.
16:32Giles, I have an idea what's making my mom sick. Have you spoken with her doctors?
16:38They won't find anything. What's hurting her? It's supernatural.
16:43The night watchman who found this thing, he went crazy, like overnight.
16:51It won't hurt us. I had it on me all night. But this guy, he saw things, he said things. Such as?
17:01They'll come at me through my family. Who will? I don't know yet, but whatever touched this guy,
17:11it made him see through what the rest of us are seeing.
17:14But he knew someone's hurting my mom and they're trying to get to me. It's possible, but still,
17:23ramblings of a madman, not much to go on. Yeah, but it's a start. We need to find out
17:27who's making my mom sick and how. Then what? Then I hunt them, find them, and kill them.
17:41You know, when you think about it, I'm the victim here.
17:47First off, I don't even want to be here. And I'm not talking about this room or this city
17:52or the state or this planet. I'm talking about the whole mortal coil now. You know, it's disgusting.
18:00The food, the clothes,
18:05the people. I could crop a better existence than this.
18:11But, okay. And feel free to tell me if this next part gets a little too personal,
18:17because I'm told I have boundary issues. But I'm hurt. Yes, by your incredibly selfish behavior.
18:31Newsflash, hairdo. It's not always about you. All I want is the key.
18:48Why? Why can't you tell me where the key is?
19:01Forgive me, monkey. Sometimes I just, I get so anxious, like there's something deep inside of
19:15me and it's swelling up and it's making me crazy that I forget there's all that duct tape on your
19:22face. Now, tell me where the key is. I'm going bowling.
19:43It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. The stutter's sexy. Keep it calm.
19:46Speak American. I will tell you
20:12nothing.
20:17You know what I wish? I wish that you could feel what I'm feeling right now.
20:39Lady, whatever you are, whatever you're on, please.
20:42Please? Because I don't know how much more of this I can take.
20:51I have a wife. Her name's Jennifer. We have two daughters.
20:59I bet this is fun for you, isn't it? Say, you like to torture me.
21:16Why? You don't even own the damn thing, and I want it, I need it, and I've got to have it now,
21:22and you keep refusing to tell me where the key is, and it's typical. It's typical. It's typical.
21:29The whole mortal meat sack comes complete with stinking bile, sweat, and protein. Yes, I said
21:34humans. Not now. Mommy's talking, wriggling, piling, prowling, crawling, clouding,
21:39convoiting, doing it over and over and over and over until someone's
21:43going to sit down on their tummy and make this burly space.
22:10That is so much better.
22:16Do you gift wrap? Do we? Do we? Oh, we do. A little help? No, no, no. Grand cloven hooves
22:29are 30% off. It's the ones I bought prior. That's not candy,
22:39and Santa, there's too many of them, people, and they all seem to want things.
22:47I hear you. Stay British. You'll be okay.
22:51A thousand-yard stare. Damn, you hate to see it on any man, but especially in retail.
23:01Please go.
23:04Anya, the shopkeeper's union of America called. They want me to tell you that please go just got
23:10replaced with have a nice day. But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
23:16Who cares what kind of day they have? No one. It's just a long cultural tradition
23:21of raging insincerity. Embrace it.
23:27Hey, you. Have a nice day. There's my girl.
23:38Did you ever think in a million years you'd miss the high school library?
23:41Someone put a spell on my mom. Something to make it seem like she's sick.
23:47That's a new kind of nasty. Any suspects?
23:51Well, I've got the list narrowed down to just under infinity.
23:58Does this look right to you?
24:03Sure, if you wrapped it with your feet.
24:11You know, Buffy, there used to be this French sorcerer back in the 16th, I don't know what,
24:18named, um... So cute and his little knickers. But he had this one spell demons just hated
24:25called a tirer la couverture. Rotate many foodstuffs. Pull the curtain back. A spell to
24:33see spells. A trance to see spells, actually. You get the idea. Try that. What do you mean
24:40see spells? All spells leave a trace signature. It's just not perceptible to the human eye.
24:48In this case, it could be the image of a hand choking your mother.
24:53Or a cloud of mist around her. Or maybe the
24:57shape of the demon that's performing the spell. Possible, yes.
25:03Okay, so I'll do what most of your silk knickers did. I'll go home,
25:07I'll get trancy, and I'll see what's affecting my mom. I don't know, Buffy, trances? Yes,
25:13Buffy, the sorcerer Cloutier was legendary. His skills at achieving higher states of
25:21consciousness were... Better than mine? I knew he was gonna say that. But I've been
25:26practicing concentration drills. I know I'm close. Are you ready? It's my mom. I'll get ready.
25:33What do I need?
25:37Thanks for coming over. I really appreciate the help. Sure thing. So what do I do?
25:44Lots. Tons. Lots and lots of tons. This is all kind of... New terrain? All praying, no slaying.
25:54Praying, no slaying. Okay, so the incense needs to be ignited, and there's a job.
26:01And this stuff needs to get poured around me in a circle counterclockwise.
26:05So you need me to light incense and pour sand? Magic incense. And spooky sand.
26:12And the ritual itself is... Something you do alone.
26:16You sure this isn't just your way of trying to make me feel less...
26:20What are the words? Acute and weak and kidney-ish? Kidney.
26:26Right. Much manlier. Look, um...
26:36I really am okay. I know.
26:41And so I'm not quite super guy anymore. I was borrowed power anyway.
26:45And to give it back sometime.
26:49I know you can handle yourself. I just didn't want to see you get hurt.
26:56Maybe instead of you trying to take care of me, we agree to take care of each other. Deal?
27:07Done. Good.
27:10Thank you. For luck.
27:15Hey. A girl needs more luck than that.
27:27Have a nice trip.
27:41So
27:47do
28:09What are you doing?
28:11My boyfriend. Go away.
28:14Liar. Are you doing magic?
28:17No, I'm not.
28:19Can I watch?
28:21No, you can't.
28:23Oh, come on. Please? Please? Like times ten and cubed? Please?
28:32Yeah, well, I can smell your stinky incense down the hall, you know.
28:36And your clothes are gonna reek.
28:38And if you are doing magic, I'm so telling.
28:42Fine. Go. Go tell. Go do whatever you want.
28:47Just go.
30:17Hmm.
30:47Mom.
30:52Are you going out?
30:54Well, either modern medicine's working or I just took the world's best placebo.
30:59Either way, I'm going out for a couple hours.
31:02Nothing.
31:04Huh?
31:06There's nothing.
31:10Are you sure you're feeling okay? You seem a little out of it.
31:17Oh, yeah. Fine. Long, long days.
31:34You go have a good time.
31:38You're so grown up.
32:17Yeah.
32:40Buffy.
32:43Buffy.
32:47Buffy, who said you could come in my room?
32:59You're not my sister.
33:11Yeah, like I even want to be related to your nasty...
33:15What are you doing?
33:17What are you?
33:18Get off me.
33:19You want to hurt me?
33:20Let go of me, you freak.
33:21Then you deal with me.
33:23I'm telling Mom.
33:24You stay away from my mother.
33:42What?
33:43Buffy?
33:44Well, I'm glad I've caught you.
33:45I think we may have underestimated what we're dealing with.
33:51Go on.
33:54We've uncovered more than expected about this orb.
33:59It's called the Dagon Sphere, and it has a history going back many centuries.
34:08What's it do?
34:09It's a protective device
34:11uh used to ward off ancient primordial evil.
34:16Any word on what this evil looks like?
34:18Unfortunately, no.
34:20This is where accounts get...
34:23Excuse me.
34:25This is where accounts get vague.
34:26Um, all we've managed to uncover so far is, um,
34:32the Dagon Sphere was created to repel that which cannot be named.
34:38I'm gonna go back to the factory where I found it.
34:40Whoever planted this doohickey's got answers.
34:44Look, Buffy, you've heard me say this before, but do be careful.
34:48Anything that goes unnamed is usually an object of deep worship or great fear.
34:53Maybe both.
34:54Have you completed the trial?
34:56See what's harming your mother?
35:00That's the thing.
35:02I just saw it.
35:06Yes?
35:08Nothing.
35:10It didn't work.
35:16What are you talking about?
35:19Slayer stuff.
35:22I'm going out.
35:25Do you really think I care you're the Slayer?
35:32What's that supposed to mean?
35:39I'll be home in an hour.
35:41Your mom's coming back?
35:45I'll be back first.
36:10Spike.
36:16Hi, Buffy.
36:20Don't take this the wrong way, but...
36:26What are you doing here?
36:28Five words or less.
36:33Out for a walk.
36:37Bitch.
36:39Out for a walk at night by my house.
36:42No one has time for this, William.
36:45On your merry way, then?
36:48You know, contrary to one's self-involved worldview,
36:51your house happens to be directly between parts and other parts of this town.
36:59And I would pass by in the day, but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole burst into flame phase.
37:06Fine.
37:07Keep going, I cut you a break.
37:09Oh, yeah, okay.
37:09Let me guess.
37:10You won't kill me?
37:11Ooh.
37:13A whole crowd-pleasing threats and swagger routine.
37:16How stunningly original.
37:18You know, I'm just passing through.
37:21Satisfied?
37:24You know, I really hope so.
37:27Because God knows you need some satisfaction in life.
37:30Besides shagging Captain Cardboard.
37:33And I never really liked you anyway.
37:35And... and you have stupid hair.
38:36So,
38:44so...
39:05Buffy?
39:10Girls?
39:14Where is everybody?
39:20Hi, Mom.
39:22Oh, Dawn.
39:25Where's Buffy?
39:27You don't have to worry about her.
39:29You're probably right.
39:31I mean, it's not like she's never patrolled before.
39:34Anyway, I was feeling kind of, uh, what's the medical term?
39:39Crappy.
39:40So I called off the big night out.
39:43Want tea, Mom?
39:45Hmm.
39:46I made it for you.
40:02Hey.
40:04It was... it was you who planted the Dagon Sphere, right?
40:09I got it.
40:13Don't worry.
40:14I'm stronger than I look.
40:17I've had experience with stuff like this before.
40:20Best of all...
40:24I'm not stupid.
40:39You sure about that last part?
40:45Yeah.
40:50Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?
40:55Wouldn't that involve moving?
40:58My feet are numb.
41:01I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower back pain.
41:05I think I liked you better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart.
41:11Just seemed so much simpler.
41:13You're out of crystal balls.
41:14Those babies are really popular with the amateurs.
41:17Better restock and raise the price 10%.
41:21Make it 15.
41:22Anya.
41:23Your cash register looks like Squirrel's Nest in it.
41:25Anya.
41:26And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power.
41:29Better institute a seven-day background check for-
41:31Anya!
41:35Would you like a job?
41:38Okay.
41:41Good.
41:43Then we can talk shop tomorrow.
41:47Okay.
41:50Boss.
41:54Hey.
41:55Any word from Buffy on how her spell went?
41:58She said it didn't work.
42:01Now she's off investigating whoever left the Diamond Sphere behind.
42:06You're not worried about the Sleighmaster General, are you, Big G?
42:10No, no.
42:12Just hope she isn't doing anything too rash.
42:19And another thing I just want you to know...
42:26This whole beach and that thing I'm doing,
42:28it's a valuable time out of life that I'm never gonna get back.
42:36Wait, I've always wanted to try this.
42:38You know that thing with worms?
42:39Where if you have one, you rip it in half, you get two worms?
42:43Do you think that'll work with you?
42:47You hit me!
42:49What are you, crazy?
42:52You can't go around hitting people.
42:54What were you, running a barn?
42:58Fine, be that way.
43:09Just notice something.
43:10You have superpowers.
43:12That is so cool.
43:15Can you fly?
43:32Hey!
43:33Hey! Hands off my holy man!
43:41Hey!
44:11No, we have to keep going.
44:33My journey is done, I think.
44:36Don't get metaphoric on me.
44:38We're going.
44:39You have to.
44:42The key.
44:44You must protect the key.
44:47Fine, we can protect the key together, okay?
44:50Just far, far from here.
44:52Many more die if you don't keep it safe.
44:59How? What is it?
45:02The key is energy.
45:06It's a portal.
45:08It opens the door.
45:13The... the... the Dagonsphere?
45:16No.
45:20For centuries, it had no form at all.
45:24My brethren, its only keepers.
45:30Then the Abomination found us.
45:37We had to hide the key.
45:40Gave it form, molded it flesh, made it human, and sent it to you.
45:52Don.
45:56She has the key.
46:01You put that in my house.
46:03We knew the Slayer would protect.
46:09My memories, my moms.
46:12We built them.
46:14Then unbuild them.
46:16This is my life, you're...
46:23You cannot abandon.
46:28I didn't ask for this.
46:30I don't even know...
46:33What is she?
46:36Human.
46:38Now human.
46:41And helpless.
46:44Please.
46:47She's an innocent in this.
46:52She needs you.
46:59She's not my sister.
47:02She doesn't know that.
47:32You're home.
47:46I wasn't bothering her.
47:52What was that all about?
47:56Nothing.
48:03Sister stuff.
48:11Go away.
48:19I'm sorry.
48:24You hurt my arm.
48:26I know.
48:30Butthole.
48:33I'm really sorry.
48:41I tell you I have this theory.
48:44It goes where you're the one who's not my sister.
48:48Because mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys
48:52and never told you because it could hurt your delicate baby feelings.
49:03That's your theory?
49:06Explains your fashion sense.
49:09And smell.
49:14I'm sorry, okay?
49:17Broken record much?
49:20You can't even take an apology.
49:23You always do that, ever since...
49:24I just had a bad day.
49:27I'll join the club.
49:30I'll be president.
49:31I'm president.
49:34And I'm the president.
49:38Well, then.
49:43I'm not the president.
49:51I don't care.
49:51I am president.
49:55You could be the janitor.
49:58Okay.
50:00♪♪
50:10♪♪
50:18Buffy?
50:20Yeah?
50:23What's wrong with Mom?
50:25♪♪
50:31I don't know.
50:33♪♪
50:43♪♪
51:13♪♪
51:23♪♪
51:31Grr! Arrgh!