On the Buses S01E05 The new inspector
Original air date - (28th March 1969)
Stan applies for the position of bus inspector after he realises the benefits of him getting extra money. Little interest from others for the position means Stan is promoted to inspector. All Stan's colleagues turn against him because of his position and he is removed from the company's darts team. Stan gives up being an inspector and becomes a bus driver again
Original air date - (28th March 1969)
Stan applies for the position of bus inspector after he realises the benefits of him getting extra money. Little interest from others for the position means Stan is promoted to inspector. All Stan's colleagues turn against him because of his position and he is removed from the company's darts team. Stan gives up being an inspector and becomes a bus driver again
Category
🦄
CreativityTranscript
00:00♪
00:17APPLAUSE
00:43Well, that's it. Shift up for another couple of hours, Jack.
00:46What's he doing here? What's this up here, then?
00:48Staff vacancy. Application's invited for the post of assistant inspector.
00:52Oh, yeah? Good advertise for him now.
00:54I thought they'd got him from the Chamber of Horrors.
00:56LAUGHTER
00:58Nah, they're just stick a wanting notice up outside the police stations.
01:01You can laugh. That's a responsible position.
01:04Two pound a week extra in status.
01:06That's no good to me, mate. I'm shop steward.
01:08I don't want a job where I have to report my mates to the management.
01:11No, of course not, no. You sooner report them to the trade union.
01:15This is a chance to better yourself.
01:17I don't know what you're doing in this job, mate. You're wasting your time.
01:20You could have made a film shooting on the films.
01:22Oh, yeah? Playing Dracula.
01:24LAUGHTER
01:26Oh, very droll.
01:28LAUGHTER
01:30No, he's dead right.
01:31I mean, before you become an inspector,
01:33you have to have all your teeth taken out and a couple of fangs put in instead.
01:37LAUGHTER
01:39With your front choppers, mate, you wouldn't have to bother.
01:41LAUGHTER
01:43You two blokes don't know a good opportunity when you see one.
01:46I had to wait years and years for the chief inspector before me to retire.
01:49What, him? Oh, bloody, he didn't retire.
01:51He went to Russia to carry out Stalin's purge.
01:54Wrong again. He went to Bognor to grow roses.
01:57LAUGHTER
01:58Here, Flaky, what are you going to do when you retire?
02:00Oh, he's got a job ready made for him, he has.
02:02What?
02:03Undertaker.
02:04LAUGHTER
02:05That wouldn't be any good.
02:07He'd report the hearse for being two minutes late.
02:09LAUGHTER
02:10It would be if you were driving it.
02:12Oh.
02:13I don't suppose either of yous twos want your name put down for this, do you?
02:16What, mate?
02:17God, you must be joking.
02:18The only good thing about it is a couple of quid extra that goes with it.
02:21Ah, forget it.
02:22Yeah, you might as well.
02:23Neither of yous twos smart enough for the job.
02:25Look at the style of your look.
02:27Scruffy-looking pair of...
02:28Cool.
02:29I'd like to see either of you have to come to work like me,
02:31wearing a shirt with a starched collar.
02:34The way he walks, they've starched his shirt and all.
02:36LAUGHTER
02:38See you in a couple of hours' time, mate.
02:40Oh, mate.
02:45Looking for a job, then?
02:46MUSIC PLAYS
02:52Ah.
02:55Hi, Lovie.
02:56Hello, love.
02:58Oh, thank you very much.
02:59Ha, ha, ha.
03:00Caught you, didn't it, eh?
03:01Get your own papers, mate.
03:04That's funny.
03:05I could have sworn I left a fair gap here on the mental piece this morning.
03:07Yeah, you did. I'm smoking it.
03:09I thought it was one of mine.
03:10One of yours on the mental piece?
03:12You keep yours in the bedroom in a little black box underneath the floorboard.
03:15Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Olive.
03:18Put the kettle on and give your brother some tea, love.
03:20Oh, wait a minute, let me clear my chest first.
03:24Blimey, get me tea first, will you?
03:26I've got to be back at the depot in a couple of hours.
03:28Oh.
03:32Mum, why can't you get it?
03:33Cos I've got to mend me coat first.
03:35I can't go out like this, you know, all the lining's torn,
03:37the hem's gone all to pieces and there's an awful hole in the pocket.
03:41Why don't you put your best one on?
03:42This is me best one.
03:43Well, why don't you get a new one?
03:45Well, they're so expensive.
03:46I saw a lovely one in Jones the other day.
03:48It was 14 guineas hanging up in the window.
03:50Well, of course, that was out of the question.
03:52Well, you got your clothes money in this little box, didn't you?
03:54Yeah, I did, but I used to use my coat money for the gas bill.
03:58Why?
03:59Because I had to use the gas money to pay the electric.
04:02Blimey, I'd have to work that system out.
04:04Here, Arthur.
04:05Why don't you ship in a few quid and get Mum a coat?
04:07Yeah, well, of course I'd like to.
04:09I mean, I know my duty as a son-in-law,
04:11but I have had one or two expenses lately.
04:13I mean, it's not as if Olive's working.
04:15She's always ill.
04:16No, no, Mum, no.
04:17Now I come to think of it, you must have a new coat.
04:19I mean, it's not fair you're walking about with that thing.
04:21No, leave it to me. I'll think of something.
04:23Well, I don't know.
04:25If I'm going to have a new coat, I'll have to do the same as Rusty.
04:28Grow it myself.
04:29Won't I, love?
04:32So, in spite of all that,
04:34you still fancy yourself as an inspector, do you?
04:36Yeah. Do you think I'll get the job then?
04:38Oh, undoubtably, yes, yes.
04:40In fact, I'd go so far as to say you're bound to get it.
04:44Yeah.
04:45Oh, yeah?
04:46And what makes you think I'll get the job then?
04:48Well, you're the only one who's applied for it.
04:51Take the notice down, shall I?
04:53Yeah.
04:54Mind you, if it wasn't for the diabolic or shortage,
04:58you would never have stood a chance.
05:00Why not?
05:01Well, there are certain physical requirements, you know.
05:04Blimey, I'm only asking to be an inspector,
05:06not to be put out the stud.
05:08Yes, but there's a certain minimum height.
05:11What do you go?
05:13Five foot nine.
05:16With me hat on, of course.
05:18Yes, well, I'll have a word with the staff.
05:23Hiya, mate.
05:24Oh, they've taken the notice down.
05:26Somebody must have applied for the job.
05:28I wonder who that was.
05:29Well, it's a matter of fact.
05:30I wouldn't like to be in his shoes, would you, eh?
05:33No, no.
05:34Ah, inspectors.
05:36Of course, you're a driver.
05:38You don't know what us conductors can do to them perishes.
05:41Make their lives a hell on earth.
05:43Yes, well, I've had a word with the staff manager.
05:45I'll talk about it later.
05:46No, no, no, it's perfectly all right.
05:48It's all fixed.
05:49I'll talk about it later.
05:50It's all fixed, mate.
05:51You start work tomorrow morning as assistant inspector.
05:54You would put him for that job?
05:57You?
05:58Well, let's face it.
05:59Somebody had to take the job.
06:01There's a limit to what a human being can stoop to.
06:04Well, the truth is I needed the extra money.
06:06So did the train robbers.
06:09I don't know what the fuss is about, mate.
06:11I mean, I'm still the same bloke.
06:12I mean, we work together.
06:13I mean, it could be easy.
06:15I mean, I'm one of you.
06:17How can you be one of us if you're one of them?
06:28Oh, blimey, Mum.
06:30You still bending that old coat?
06:31Well, you know, I don't know whether this coat wants a new lining
06:34or the lining wants a new coat.
06:36Still, the buttons are very nice.
06:38Well, I tell you what, me old darling.
06:40Yeah, love?
06:41You can chuck that thing away.
06:42I've got a surprise for you.
06:43Really?
06:44Yeah.
06:45What is it?
06:46Now, don't get excited.
06:47Wait a minute.
06:48Oh, I'm excited.
06:49Come on.
06:50Wait a minute, Mum.
06:51Well, I'm waiting.
06:52Come on.
06:53Don't keep me waiting.
06:54What is it?
06:55Well, shut your eyes.
06:56All right, all right.
06:57Promise, shut your eyes.
06:58I've got to touch it.
06:59Well, don't open them till I tell you to.
07:00I know.
07:01They're shut tight.
07:02Come on.
07:03All right, open them, open them.
07:04Oh, what a beautiful coat.
07:07I thought you had to wear it in, lost property.
07:09Yeah.
07:10No, no, no, that was the one in Jones's,
07:14the one I saw in the window I had my eye on.
07:16That's the one.
07:17I knew you wanted a new coat and, well, I managed it.
07:19And where's yours?
07:20Oh, mine?
07:22Mm-hmm.
07:23All mine?
07:24Yeah, yeah.
07:25It's in the window and, well, I've got it for you.
07:27What do you do, break the glass?
07:29No, I pay for it in cash.
07:32All pay for?
07:33Well, in 36 weeks' time it will be.
07:35Oh, dear.
07:36Oh, Stan, you won't be able to afford all the payments.
07:39Yeah, get away.
07:40It's only ten bob a week.
07:41Besides, here, I've got something to tell you.
07:43Arthur, Arthur.
07:44Yes?
07:45I've been promoted.
07:46You what?
07:47No!
07:48Yeah, they've selected me to be an inspector.
07:50You?
07:51Yeah.
07:52An inspector?
07:53Yeah.
07:54I'm the only one who applied.
07:55Oh.
07:56What are you talking about?
07:57There was dozens of them applied for the job.
07:59Oh, Stan, I'm proud of you, darling.
08:01Yeah.
08:02I'm really proud of you.
08:03I knew you'd...
08:04I knew you'd be able to do something like that.
08:06All your mates must be excited you've been promoted.
08:09Delighted.
08:11Didn't anyone hear the front doorbell?
08:13What?
08:14Has Jack come to see you?
08:15Oh, he's come to congratulate you.
08:17I don't know about that.
08:18Oh, good evening, Mr B.
08:19Oh, hello, Jack.
08:20Arthur.
08:21Oh, I left my dartboard here the other evening.
08:23Yes, behind the sideboard.
08:24Huh.
08:25Of course I forgot.
08:26It's our practice night for dance tonight, isn't it?
08:28No, I've come to take my dartboard back.
08:30Oh, I see.
08:31We're practicing round your house.
08:32All right, I'll come round there, then.
08:33I shouldn't bother.
08:34You've been dropped from the team.
08:35Well, I mean, we can't have an inspector play for the team, can we?
08:38I mean, put the lads off their game, wouldn't it?
08:40Oh, Tom.
08:41Well, I won't keep you inspector.
08:43You've got to swallow up your rule book, I expect.
08:45I'll see you tomorrow.
08:47And take care.
08:50Oh, Stan.
08:53Jack, it was very strange.
08:55There won't be no arm or no arm presses between you and your mates, will there?
08:59No, no, no.
09:00I'll take your notice, Mum.
09:01It's a bit of jealousy.
09:02It's always like that when somebody gets on in the world.
09:04Now, don't you worry about it, love.
09:06Well, all right.
09:07I think I'll go to the supermarket and do some shopping.
09:10I thought you did that this afternoon.
09:12We did.
09:13We got everything.
09:14Yeah, well, I'm going to buy some budgie seeds.
09:17Blimey, we ain't got a budgie.
09:19Well, I know.
09:20It's only ninepence and it's worth it to show off a new coat.
09:25Thank you, Ma.
09:26Mind you, I've only got time to eat it.
09:28Everyone's gone potty in this house today.
09:30Stan was in the bathroom over an hour.
09:32Well, it's his first day as an inspector.
09:34Yeah, well, I thought he was going to be a bus inspector, not a sanitary inspector.
09:37I don't know.
09:40Good morning, all.
09:41Oh.
09:43Don't he look distinctive?
09:46No.
09:48Oh, I don't agree.
09:50I think he looks fine in that uniform.
09:52Just like Lord Louis Malbec.
09:54Yeah.
09:55Just dropped him for breakfast of bangers and beans, no doubt.
09:58What were you in the bathroom so long for?
10:00Well, I had to have a nice close shave, didn't I?
10:03I mean, I've got to set an example to my conductors and drivers and busmen.
10:08You shave your legs as well, set an example to the clippies.
10:12Put your hat on, love.
10:14Oh.
10:17Oh, it does suit you.
10:19Yeah.
10:20Oh, it's half his face.
10:21Yeah, well, I admit it's a bit on the big side.
10:23Olive, stick a bit of paper under the brim, will you, for us?
10:26Here, Mum.
10:27Where's me tie? Is it straight?
10:28Oh, smashing, love.
10:30I always think that a stiff collar does something for a man.
10:34Yeah, it strangles him.
10:36Blimey, it's half tight, this one.
10:37Look, it'll be ever so cold out.
10:39You must put on your scarf, love.
10:41Good idea, Mum, very good idea.
10:43That's right.
10:44Very good idea.
10:45Oh, dear, dear.
10:47Oh, well.
10:48Oh, well, put it over your ears, love.
10:51What are you doing? I'll do it.
10:54That's absolutely ridiculous, mate. You look stupid.
10:57Well, love, you've got weak ears.
10:59Yeah, match his head.
11:02Don't be so ridiculous. I haven't got weak ears.
11:04No, no, don't tell that to your mum.
11:06I used to have cotton wool soaked in oil and put it in your ears each day.
11:10Don't you remember?
11:11I remember that all right.
11:12I used to go to school smelling like a fish shop.
11:15All the boys used to call me Stinky Stan.
11:18No, I don't want the scarf anyway.
11:19I've got to look distinguished, there's no doubt about that.
11:21I've got to start with my bus, haven't I?
11:23I've got to see that those buses go out on time.
11:25Blimey, take a better man than you.
11:27I've been trying to catch the six o'clock every evening.
11:29It always moves off at five two.
11:31That's done for years.
11:32I shall be on that bus tonight and I'll see you catch it.
11:35It will not go out till six o'clock.
11:37I see.
11:38Right, now I'm going to try my new coat on.
11:40Yes, I'll try mine on too.
11:44So excited.
11:52Blimey, you're not coming with me, are you?
11:54No, I'm going to bring the milk in.
11:57If you've got something nice you want to show it off.
12:06Right.
12:07Rule book.
12:08Rule book.
12:09Clipboard.
12:10Clipboard.
12:11Inspector's pencils.
12:12Inspector's pencils.
12:13Right.
12:14You'll find the first day is the worst.
12:17Of course, it's all right if you're a born leader.
12:19Of course, yes.
12:20So I'm afraid you're in for a hell of a time.
12:23Well, don't worry.
12:24If anything goes wrong, I'll report it.
12:26That's right.
12:27If there's something wrong, you report it.
12:29And if there's nothing wrong, you report it just the same.
12:31Oh.
12:32Right.
12:33You're on your own.
12:35Oh.
12:36Morning, Bill. Morning, Sid.
12:41Oh, look what we've got here.
12:43Hitler's deputy.
12:44Good morning, sir.
12:46Morning, Jack.
12:47Do you mind, mate? Put that fag out.
12:49Huh? Why?
12:50Oh, now, come off it.
12:51You can see up there.
12:52It says, no smoking on that sign.
12:54Oh, yeah.
12:55But I'm not smoking on that sign.
12:57No, don't be funny.
12:58Put the fag out.
13:01Another thing.
13:02You have incorrect demeanour.
13:04You should be wearing a collar and tie.
13:06I am wearing a collar and tie.
13:16See you when you come off duty, love, eh?
13:18Sure.
13:19Thanks, darling.
13:20You've got a nerve coming on duty looking like that.
13:23I should worry.
13:25It's all right for some people.
13:26You can do as you like when you're just good friends with one of the bosses.
13:29Oh, shut up.
13:30Shut up.
13:31Brazen bitch.
13:32One of the old depot doesn't know.
13:37Nothing wrong with her uniform, is there?
13:41Don't worry, Jack, I know the rules.
13:47Excuse me, miss.
13:49Are you in this number nine?
13:50I am.
13:51Well, you know the regulations.
13:53I can't allow you to get on this bus with a skirt like that.
13:55And what's wrong with my skirt?
13:57Well, if I could see it, I'd tell you.
14:01Have you read the rule book?
14:02No.
14:03Why not?
14:04Well, it's hardly painted place, is it?
14:06Right, don't be funny.
14:07I'll read them out to you, shall I?
14:08Here we are.
14:09Appendix three.
14:10Conductress says mini skirts should not be more than two inches above the knee.
14:16Well, that's about right, innit?
14:20I said two inches above the knee, not two inches below the waist.
14:23Now, look.
14:24My pencil, my pencil here, is about nine inches long.
14:26Now, that must be ten inches short.
14:28Hello, hello, hello.
14:30What's he inspecting now?
14:32Look, love, I'm the shop steward.
14:34You don't have to suffer liberties from the management like that.
14:37Oh, cut.
14:38Jack, cut my feet.
14:39Look at that skirt.
14:40What's wrong with it?
14:41Blimey, you can see everything.
14:42My Adam's apple.
14:45Very nice, too.
14:46Makes travelling a pleasure.
14:49Blimey, even a pouch comes below a skirt.
14:51As shop steward, I see nothing wrong with that skirt.
14:55I wouldn't mind, but, blimey, she's on a double-decker.
14:57You get some very funny people standing on the platforms in these buses.
15:00Yeah, I know.
15:01They call them inspectors.
15:05I'm going to report you, miss.
15:06What's the delay, then?
15:07I think her skirt should come down.
15:14Look, mate.
15:15Stop thinking about getting her skirt down and get that bus out.
15:18Go on.
15:19I'm only going to the rules.
15:20Get it out. Go on.
15:21Oh, just saying. Rules, that's all.
15:27Oh, my God.
15:57You've done everything wrong.
15:58I don't know how you got the job.
15:59I can tell you, Sonny.
16:00But you're not old enough.
16:01Right.
16:02I'll report you for insolence.
16:03Get lost.
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18:22Look at this ticket. Absolutely disgusting.
18:27What's that? It's got a number on it, hasn't it?
18:29I can't tell. It's covered in bubble gum.
18:31Here, mate, for me.
18:33Oh, I've just made it.
18:35I told you, didn't I? I'll see these buses run at the time, mate.
18:38It doesn't go out till six and it's not going to go out till six.
18:40Yeah, very good. Congratulations.
18:42I'll have this seat here.
18:44Excuse me, I'll try and...
18:46No smoking downstairs. We want to smoke up.
18:48Yep, you're quite right.
18:51Am I sticking to the rules?
18:53Stan, Stan!
18:55Oh, dear, I thought you were going without me.
18:58Well, I had to do some shopping and I knew this was your bus and so on.
19:01Look, Stan, I want to talk to you about something.
19:04Yeah, yeah. God, I'm over here all night.
19:06Come on, look, sit. I'll see you after, eh?
19:08Yeah, all right.
19:10Here, have a seat there.
19:12Well, there's no room upstairs. I won't bother to smoke, right?
19:14Hello, Ma. Hello.
19:16Can you pinch my seat? Oh, well, you can have it.
19:18No, it's all right, you can stand.
19:20Yeah, well, for that, might as well go. Don't touch that bell.
19:22What's that now?
19:24It's not six o'clock yet.
19:26Oh, sorry, mate. I'm being regulated.
19:28I hope it makes you feel better.
19:37Right, away you go.
19:39Hold this hand out, please.
19:43Hey, what do you think you're doing?
19:45It's gone six o'clock. There's no standing after six. Get off.
19:50Have you gone potty or something?
19:52You just now said it was all right for me to stand.
19:54That was then. Now's now.
19:56It's gone six. No standing. Get off.
19:58Look, mate, I don't know rule book two.
20:00And you are allowed standing passengers
20:02after six o'clock to avoid hardship.
20:04What hardship?
20:06The black eye you're going to get unless you ring that bell.
20:08Don't get hasty, Jack.
20:10Let's have a look at the rule book. There might be a way out of this.
20:12Can't he sit on my knee?
20:16He's not three years or under. Let's have a look.
20:19Ah, here we have... Ah, what a shame, Arthur.
20:21Now then, if you'd have been a dog or a cat
20:23or some other small domestic animal...
20:25Look, Arthur, mate, there's a number seven behind us.
20:27Hop on that. You'll get a seat.
20:29Thank you, Jack. You wait longer too, won't you, mate?
20:33It's all right. He'll be home a couple of minutes after us.
20:36He won't. That bus turns round at the next stop.
20:49Have I made myself clear?
20:51Get rid of that moron
20:53and do something with these.
20:55I don't want my staff upset.
20:57Come along, my dear. I want to work with you in the office.
20:59I'll see you later.
21:05Butler.
21:07Thank you, madam.
21:09Good night, Jack.
21:11Oh, good night, sir. Thank you.
21:13Butler.
21:15I'd like a word with you.
21:17You are a useless, incompetent twit.
21:21What have I done?
21:23You've been enforcing the rules, haven't you?
21:25Well, that's my job, innit?
21:27You don't force men to work to rule when they're working.
21:29They only work to rule when they're on strike.
21:33Oh, God.
21:35You useless twit.
21:37And as if that wasn't enough,
21:39you made a complaint about a certain Clippy Skirt here, didn't you?
21:41Well, I thought she was indecent.
21:43It happens to be the way the manager likes her.
21:46It says in the rule book...
21:48Butler.
21:50There are things going on at this depot
21:52that have never been in any rule books.
21:54All right, I'm sorry.
21:56But how was I to know she was the manager's...
22:00All right.
22:02I will not make any more complaints tomorrow.
22:04No. No, you won't do that, no.
22:06You'll be too busy driving a bus.
22:10Oh, back to driving, am I?
22:12Rule book.
22:16Clipboard.
22:18Inspector's pencils.
22:20Inspector's pencils.
22:34Stan.
22:36Oh, hello, Mum.
22:38Stan, I wanted to speak to you.
22:40Yeah, sorry about that, Mum.
22:42I was having a word with the inspector, see, and I...
22:44Well, Stan, that's what I wanted to tell you.
22:46What?
22:48I've, er... I've to go back to the shop.
22:50What for?
22:52Well, I've been thinking a lot, Stan,
22:54and, you know, you only took this new job
22:56just to pay for it, didn't you, love?
22:58Ah, not exactly, no.
23:00Stan, I don't think you'd be happy
23:02if your pals didn't talk to you no more.
23:04Ah, well, you know...
23:06Stan, look, I want you to promise me
23:08you'll give up being the inspector.
23:10Give it up? He's just given me the...
23:13Oh, yes, yes.
23:15Well, if it makes you happy, Mum, I can resign.
23:17Will they be very upset?
23:19Well, they will be, the fellas, but I can handle them, you know.
23:21Hello, Mr B. Hello, Stan.
23:23Hello, Jack, hello.
23:25Look, Jack, Stan's going to give up being an inspector.
23:27Give it up? Well, I've just, er...
23:29Yes, I was, er...
23:31telling Mum I've resigned.
23:33Oh, yes, yes, sure, yeah.
23:35Oh, er, Mrs B,
23:37be all right if me and a few of the lads
23:39come round for dance practice tonight?
23:41Well, er, we'll expect you then at 2100 hours.
23:43Oh, very good, sir.
23:47Hey, put that cigarette out.
23:49You know you're not allowed to smoke here.
23:51Why not? Cos I ain't got one.
23:53What?
24:11APPLAUSE