302.On The Buses.The Cistern.
The toilet in the Butler household is exceedingly old, having been put in by Stan's grandfather and now it keeps making funny noises. Stan's efforts to mend it come to grief and, after having to use Jack's toilet, Stan decides to buy a new one. Unfortunately Blakey is less than pleased when he he sees it being carried home on the bus.
Transcript
00:00How are you? Jack? Are you coming in for a coffee, mate?
00:19No, I don't think I will. It's half past eleven.
00:21Yeah, it's a bit late, isn't it?
00:22Yeah, your family's all gone to bed. No sign of life, anyway.
00:26In my family, there's no sign of life when you're awake.
00:30God blimey, this lot's been in bed two hours, mate.
00:32How can you tell?
00:33Listen, listen.
00:44God blimey.
00:46Takes them two hours to work up to that.
00:47Go on.
00:48They spend the first half hour tuning up.
00:51I'll see you tomorrow morning, Jack.
00:52Yeah, all right. Ciao, mate.
00:53Good night, mate.
00:55Good night.
01:26Shit!
01:49Oh, God blimey, this rotten thing's gone again.
01:55What's that noise? What's that noise? What's that noise?
02:08Arthur! Arthur! Is Olive all right?
02:16Yeah, yeah, of course she's all right.
02:19I thought you might be having one of her funny jokes.
02:23What's the matter? What's it for?
02:25It's your brother gone berserk in the toilet.
02:32What the hell are you doing in there? You've woken me up.
02:36What the fuck are you joking, mate?
02:38You're snoring louder than what that cistern is.
02:41Damn thing's gone wrong again. I can't stop it.
02:43You don't know how to do it, neither do me.
02:45It needs a special sort of jerk.
02:48What's going on in there?
02:50Oh, I was in a lovely sleep.
02:52Oh, I don't know.
02:53What's going on?
02:54Hey, what's the matter with the loo?
02:56Shh! The jerk's at work.
03:00It needs a delicate touch, I happen to have the knack.
03:03Not with everything.
03:07No, you aren't, that's all right.
03:10All right?
03:12As soon as you let go, it starts again.
03:14Well, Stan, at least you know how to stop it.
03:16All you've got to do is hold the chain down.
03:18Oh, charming. I stand here all night holding the chain down.
03:21Oh, don't talk stupid. Tie it down with a bit of string.
03:24Oh, no. If I have to come in here in the middle of the night,
03:27I can't arms tight and I'm doing nothing.
03:29Not without these glasses, I can't.
03:31Come here. Which way are you going?
03:33Right there.
03:35Oh, Stan, what have you done?
03:37I've pulled the chain off, haven't I?
03:39Oh, well, what are we going to do?
03:41I can't reach up there and I'm too old at my time of life
03:44to go standing on the seat.
03:46Well, I can fix it. I need a spanner.
03:48Spanner?
03:49Oh, you've got one in the bedroom under the bed.
03:51Get it, Olive.
03:56You can't do that.
03:58I can't do that.
04:00I can't do that.
04:02I can't do that.
04:04You keep a spanner under the bed?
04:08Oh, Arthur's like that.
04:10He keeps some very peculiar things in his bedroom, don't you, love?
04:13You can say that again.
04:17Anyway, I need a torch and all.
04:19Oh, we've got one of them too.
04:21Hey.
04:23Torch and a spanner?
04:25I mean, there must be more to man in life than I thought.
04:30Anyway, that old thing, I don't know how you've lived with it so long.
04:33He's right there, my, you know.
04:35Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
04:37Your grandfather put that up with his own hands.
04:39Well, he's been dead 50 years.
04:41Give us a hand up.
04:43What are you doing now, mate?
04:45Hold me arm.
04:47Hang on a minute. I've got my foot down the pan.
04:49Hang me down that lid.
04:51Just come out of its seat. That's all that's happened to it.
04:54Come on, Vince.
04:56I've got that.
04:58Hold the lid.
05:00Got the lid.
05:02Come out of its seat.
05:04What's Dan doing?
05:06I'm washing me hands, you silly...
05:11Get the torch.
05:13Right.
05:15What can you see?
05:17Nothing. I've dropped the torch in it.
05:19You clumsy great idiot.
05:21I've just bought a new battery for that.
05:23Get it out.
05:25How can I get it out? I can't see it, you idiot.
05:27It's light's gone out.
05:29Put your hand in the water. Fiddle about.
05:31Careful, Stan.
05:33I've got it.
05:35Got it?
05:39Look at that. It won't go on now.
05:41I can't help that.
05:43Stan, you've dipped your wristwatch in the water.
05:45I do in fact not a good...
05:47Shut your face.
05:49Get the spanner.
05:51I'll see if I can tighten up the nut on the bolt.
05:55You've cracked the basin.
05:57The pan was already cracked.
05:59Arthur, see if you can fish that spanner out.
06:01You what?
06:21Thank you very much, Jack. Sorry to be such a trouble.
06:23It's alright. It's a pleasure. Anytime.
06:25See you, mate.
06:29Can I go over there now?
06:31Yeah, yeah. He's expected you.
06:41This is ridiculous.
06:43Getting soaking wet every time you want to go out in the loo.
06:45You should have got up to late.
06:47It wasn't raining when I went.
06:49Yeah, well, I do not intend listening to the weather forecast every time I want to go.
06:51Well, it can be very embarrassing.
06:53I'm going to wait until I go down to the shop.
06:55I'm going to wait until I go down to the shop.
06:57I'm going to wait until I go down to the shops.
06:59It's nothing for it. We'll have to get a new one.
07:01It's going to cost a bit, you know.
07:03Mind you, we could use the old cistern and buy a new pan.
07:05Oh, no. If we're going to have a change,
07:07I want one of them low-level sweets.
07:09What on earth for?
07:11I don't want to pull it.
07:13I want to turn it.
07:15You're a snob. That's what you are.
07:17Oh.
07:19And besides, they cost a bomb.
07:21Well, most people in the street have got them.
07:23Anyway, I've got a little bit of money saved up
07:25for my eye-level grill for the kitchen.
07:27Now, make up your mind.
07:29Will you want an eye-level grill or a low-level loo?
07:33Well, most people have both these days.
07:35Well, you'll have to be different, won't you?
07:37You'll have to have an eye-level loo and a low-level grill.
07:41Oh, welcome home.
07:43That was most embarrassing.
07:45As I walked down the street like this, the millman whistled at me.
07:47He most probably thought you was his horse.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:55Now, say, Sash, please.
07:57Now, listen, what are we going to do about the loo?
07:59We'll all have to chip in.
08:01Chip in?
08:03You must be joking, mate.
08:05You broke it. You pay for it.
08:07Listen, mate, if you don't pay, you're wet.
08:09I'm going to lock it up so you can't use it.
08:13How childish you are.
08:15All right, then.
08:17Oh, no, no, you won't.
08:19It's two of you, you and Olive.
08:21Me and Mum will pay half, you pay half.
08:23You'll be lucky.
08:25All right, then, I'll lock it up so she can't use it.
08:29All right, I'll pay half.
08:31I suppose I owe it to her.
08:33Oh, thank you, love.
08:35You can have it for your birthday.
08:41I'll tell you what I'll do, love.
08:43I'll put some candles on the seat and we'll all gather round
08:46Oh, boy.
08:48You mustn't say those things.
08:50Hey, listen, I just thought of something.
08:52What?
08:54There's a place on our route that's got all these toilets and baths.
08:56They've got them out on the pavement. You've seen them, haven't you?
08:58Do you know what? I reckon I can get one cheap.
09:00Oh, we could go and have a look.
09:02Oh, I want to go.
09:04In that case, I shall be there. I want to see how you're spending my money.
09:06Why don't we pack some grub and make a picnic of it?
09:10And have some sardine sandwiches.
09:16Well, here we are, Mum.
09:18Here. How about this one, then?
09:20What's the matter?
09:22Here. We don't have to choose it in the street, do we?
09:24Why not?
09:26Well, it's not very nice.
09:28Well, we'll be buying a pen.
09:30You're not trying on a dress, you know.
09:32Oh, come on, let's get on with it. There's plenty more inside.
09:34Oh, shut your face.
09:36Well, I mean that.
09:38Oh, dear.
09:40Let's pick out a dear one.
09:43Oh, what a lovely shop.
09:45Oh, I like that one.
09:47Oh.
09:49That's not a proper one. That's plastic, isn't it? Look.
09:51Oh, no. I want the solid one.
09:53I don't want them plastic ones.
09:55They catch fire.
09:57I've got you to talk.
09:59Catch fire?
10:01Yeah.
10:03Well, if it catches fire, you just put the handle down.
10:05It puts it out, doesn't it?
10:07How do you open that catch fire?
10:09Well, you know how careless Olive is with her cigarettes.
10:12She burnt a big hole in the blanket the other day.
10:14That was in bed.
10:16I wouldn't fall asleep in there.
10:18You'd fall asleep anywhere.
10:20Anyway, if it is plastic, it don't catch fire.
10:22It just melts.
10:24Well, that can be very embarrassing, can't it?
10:26I mean, one minute you're sitting there,
10:28the next you're floating away on a sea of red hot molten plaster.
10:30Oh, no.
10:32Now, I want a solid...
10:34Ooh, I like that one.
10:36Now, that's lovely. That is... That's O'Donnell.
10:38Oh, no, it's not. It's green.
10:41Anyway, it says he's a frustrated export.
10:43Export? Ooh, Stan.
10:45What?
10:47If it's made for abroad, perhaps it won't work in England.
10:49What are you talking about?
10:51Well, like the cars.
10:53They're not the same.
10:55Well, if it pleases you, I'll put a notice on the back.
10:57Left hand drive, no hand signals.
10:59Well, it might be one of the metrical ones.
11:03You know, all different sizes.
11:05We're all different sizes, aren't we?
11:07I mean, you take Olive.
11:09She's got a great mid-fat...
11:11Stan, don't you dare!
11:13No, I mean, it's like...
11:15It's like continental shoes.
11:17I mean, they're all different.
11:19They're too narrow for me.
11:21Well, I'll get you a shoehorn in case you get stuck.
11:23For God's sake!
11:25Are we going to have this one or not?
11:27Yes, yes, for God's sake, let's have that.
11:29Here, mate.
11:31We'll have this green one.
11:33Well, it's £8.15.
11:35Now, would you like a nice seat to go with it?
11:37Yeah, wood or plastic? Take your choice, sir.
11:39Oh, wood. It's much nicer.
11:41What do you mean, nicer?
11:43Oh, well, your wood.
11:45Look, that's nice and warm, isn't it?
11:47I mean, your plastic's all cold.
11:49You can get a rash from plastic.
11:51You don't know how to talk a load of rubbish.
11:53Well, it's like these nylon shirts.
11:55They don't breathe.
11:57You have them on a couple of hours, and you're all clammy.
11:59We're not sitting on there for a couple of hours, are we?
12:01It has happened, mate.
12:03I wouldn't like a wooden one.
12:05I had a very unfortunate experience with a wooden one in Lowestoft.
12:07Do you remember, Arthur?
12:09Yes, yes, yes.
12:11I got a splinter from it.
12:13Do you remember?
12:15Now, look here.
12:17Now, if you really want a posh one,
12:19how about that black one up there?
12:21It's got a lid on it.
12:23Oh, yes. Now, that's lovely.
12:25Oh, yes, that's more discreet, I mean.
12:27Look, this is like having your own front door, isn't it?
12:29I can put a knocker on it for you, shall we?
12:31Have you made up your minds?
12:33Yeah, we're going to have this green one,
12:35and we'll have this black one with the lid here.
12:37One assistant, but nothing dear.
12:39You know, a bit cheap.
12:41You've got all the things that go with it,
12:43the pipes and all that.
12:45You'll find them all in there.
12:47Oh, that's lovely, isn't it?
12:49How much is that then?
12:51I'll tell you what I'll do.
12:53I'll let you have the lot for 15 quid.
12:55Can you send it round straight away, please?
12:57No, dear, we don't deliver.
12:59Not at these prices.
13:01I'll take this home then.
13:03Well, I suppose I could do it for you myself, private.
13:05That'll cost you an extra 30 pound.
13:07But not for at least a week, you see.
13:09Not for a week?
13:11We can't wait that long.
13:13Here, cop your 15, nigger.
13:15I'll take the lid.
13:17How are we going to get this home?
13:19Well, I'm not forking out for a taxi, I'll tell you that.
13:21Hang on. What's the time?
13:23Oh, Jack, his bus is due in a couple of minutes.
13:25He'll let us get on with the lot.
13:27Take the seat.
13:29I'll take that.
13:31Here, old Ollie.
13:33Wait a minute, wait a minute.
13:35Come on, mate.
13:37Well, I hope you're satisfied now, then.
13:39Yes, that's lovely.
13:41Come here, tonight.
13:43Come on like that.
13:45Oh, look, Mum, there's a couple of seats down there.
13:47I'm all right, love.
13:49I've got me own.
13:51Thank you, mate.
13:53You're not bringing that on his bus.
13:55This is a public conveyor.
13:57It's not a public convenience.
13:59I'm not having that on.
14:01Listen, mate, this is part of our shopping.
14:03Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
14:05You're a right liberty taker, aren't you?
14:07I'll get a right rollicking from the inspector
14:09if I turn up at the depot with that on board.
14:11Look, all we wanted to do is drop you off at the bottom of our road.
14:13No, no.
14:15Why the hell didn't you have it sent?
14:17Because he said he'd take seven days to deliver it.
14:19Well, that's your hard luck, then, isn't it?
14:21All right, all right. Grab hold of that instead.
14:23Grab hold of it.
14:25He might not spot me round his place.
14:27What, for seven days?
14:29Blimey, that's quite enough of that, thank you.
14:31Four of you queuing up and me lying fifth.
14:33All right, come on, then, bring it on.
14:35Stick it down there and I'll keep an eye on it.
14:37You'll have to go upstairs. We're full down here.
14:39It's all right, Nicky.
14:41Oh, will you tie it down, please?
14:55Thank you.
15:13Oh, blimey, Hitler.
15:17Won't you give him a wash and brush-up now, then?
15:21You are the attendant, I suppose, are you?
15:23What is this object here?
15:25Well, haven't you got one in your house?
15:29How did it get on the bus?
15:31Oh, well, someone must have slipped it on when I wasn't looking.
15:33Eh? Yeah.
15:35Or it slipped out of somebody's pocket, I suppose.
15:37Oh, hello, Blakey.
15:39Oh, yeah, this is mine.
15:41Butler?
15:43I might have guessed I'd find you behind that.
15:45What do you mean by bringing that object on the bus, eh?
15:47Well, what's the objection?
15:49Objection?
15:51You do know what it is, I suppose, don't you?
15:53Yeah, it's a large egg cup.
15:59I'd like to see the bird that could fill an egg with that.
16:01So would I,
16:03but I'd hate to be around when it was flying.
16:07Get it off, come on.
16:09Anyway, listen, Jack let me on with it anyway.
16:11Well, he had no right to.
16:13Hang about. I know my rights.
16:15Rule 62, a conductor is allowed to use his discretion
16:17to let things on the bus.
16:19Yes, and an inspector can use his discretion to order them off.
16:21Get it off, come on.
16:23You had no right to put it on there.
16:25It's unhealthy.
16:27Look, mate, you're a bus inspector, not a sanitary inspector.
16:29Blimey, the way you were talking,
16:31anybody would think it was connected up.
16:33You heard what I said. Get it off there.
16:35You had no right to put it on there at all.
16:37It's obstructing the platform.
16:39Ah, ah. Rule 81,
16:41nothing will be carried which obstructs the platform.
16:43What's the order?
16:45Oh, it's him, Blakey. What's the matter now?
16:47This bus is not moving off
16:49until that closet's taken off.
16:51Oh, come, come, come.
16:53We'll find some other way.
16:55You're enjoying this, aren't you?
16:57Yeah.
16:59I thought it was going to be a rotten day and all.
17:03Here, can we go now?
17:05No, hang about.
17:07I'm going to have a word with your driver. He's running late.
17:13He's gone.
17:15I said he's gone.
17:17So?
17:19Well, he's sticking it in the back of the bus.
17:21Sticking it in the back of the bus!
17:27Hey, come on!
17:29Oh!
17:45Here we are, then.
17:47Oh, yeah. Thanks very much.
17:49That's all right.
17:51Here's another.
17:53There.
17:55Right, then.
17:57Thank you very much.
18:09That's it. Done it.
18:11Lovely.
18:13Hey, Mum! You can come and have a look.
18:15I've finished it.
18:17Do you mind? I was here first.
18:19You get in the queue.
18:21I'm not getting quite in.
18:23Are you sure you made the connections all right?
18:25He daft.
18:27If you don't fancy it, mate, go elsewhere.
18:29Listen, Mum, I've put this one in,
18:31and it's one of them nice, quiet ones.
18:33You can hardly hear a sound.
18:35Come and listen.
18:39Why don't you keep quiet?
18:41Just when Stan's going to demonstrate.
18:43It's not a symphony concert. We're not the Albert Hall.
18:45Well, keep quiet while he does it.
18:51Ah!
18:53You ready?
18:55Who do you think you are?
18:57Are you Udi Menuhin?
18:59Will you be quiet?
19:01Shh!
19:03Is that it?
19:07No, that was me shushing him.
19:09I haven't done it yet.
19:11I'm going to do it now.
19:13Here we go.
19:21Is it finished?
19:25Of course it's finished.
19:27That was it.
19:29Oh, and it's lovely.
19:31Oh, and doesn't the seat look nice?
19:33I'm glad we got that solid one.
19:35Ooh, I've got a lovely little doily.
19:37Oh, that's nice.
19:39Very nice.
19:41Just finish it off there now.
19:43Why don't you put the vase of flowers on it?
19:45And that picture of Dad
19:47in the silver frame, you know?
19:49Oh, Stan, how could you?
19:51Well, it's a bit stupid, isn't it?
19:53I mean, the doily's going to fall off every time you lift a...
19:57You're a great twit.
19:59You can't lift a seat up.
20:01Oh, that could be very awkward, Stan.
20:03Well, you're going to need to be an acrobat, aren't you?
20:05I ain't done it wrong. It's a bit stiff, that's all.
20:07Maybe I'll go...
20:09Take it off.
20:11That's if we're ever going to use it.
20:13Either that or put the doily and the flowers on.
20:15We'll all go round the jacks.
20:17It's no need to take it off.
20:19Look, I've left a space here so an assistant can go back.
20:21That's all it is. I'll give it a push
20:23and that's it. Here we go, then.
20:25Right, boom.
20:27Oh, hey. How are you?
20:29Oh!
20:35Turn it off!
20:37Turn the cup off!
20:39Have a bigger cup!
20:41Not that spanner!
20:43The big one!
20:45This is the one!
20:47I'll hold it.
20:49Give it a quick...
20:51Oh!
20:53Put it under the water, love.
20:55It's too late. I'll turn it off.
20:59Give us that spanner.
21:01There's no water.
21:03I was just about to rinse me hair in the water.
21:05I'll turn it off. You'll have to wait.
21:07I can't. The shampoo's got dye in it.
21:09If I don't rinse me hair now, I'll be overdone.
21:11I didn't know you dyed your hair.
21:13Well, I do.
21:15I thought it was natural, Mouse.
21:17I don't know why.
21:19I know. It won't really fall out.
21:21If it just does love,
21:23you can have hair style like he's got.
21:25Now, go and turn it on. I'll fix it.
21:27They're all done now, love.
21:29Now, Mum, it's all done and I must say
21:31ready for use.
21:33Oh, isn't it lovely?
21:35I've waited 25 years for this.
21:37Have you really?
21:39Yes.
21:41This will be low-level sweet.
21:43Oh, yeah.
21:45Well, if it's all working now,
21:47if you two don't mind, I was here first.
21:49Oh, right, love.
21:51Do you mind if I pick up me tools?
21:53There we are.
21:55Just be my guest.
21:57Thank you.
21:59Excuse me.
22:05You stupid fool, you can't shut the door.
22:07That's your low-level loo.
22:09It makes the pan stick out so far
22:11I can't shut the door.
22:13Well, can't you shove it in a bit more?
22:15Not unless you want the other half in the street.
22:17Look, it's no good.
22:19You'll have to get a new one like the old one up there.
22:21Well, what are we going to do with this one?
22:23We've only just bought it.
22:25Advertise it. That's what I'll do.
22:27I'll stick an advert in the paper.
22:29One owner, never been used, brand new.
22:31I'll think of something.
22:33Meanwhile, we've got to make some arrangements
22:35for tomorrow morning, haven't we?
22:39Yeah.
22:47Come on!