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Taskmaster.S18E01.The.Faceless.Facilitators

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Transcript
00:00The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:33Hello!
00:35Hello! Thank you, Angkor Davis.
00:38Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:40Dad is back and he's got five naughty children
00:42who need to sit on the naughty step.
00:44Let's hope they behave themselves and do well in the task because...
00:48..Papa has big slippers and a hair-trigger spanking arm.
00:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
00:56So...
00:58..here we go. Please welcome our five formidable fighters.
01:02They are Andy Zanzman...
01:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:06..Baba Tunde Lachey...
01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:10..Eva Sidi...
01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:13..Jack D...
01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:15..and Rosie Dole.
01:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:19And sitting next to me, a man who secretly confessed to me
01:23that he finds all women's sport slow, boring and undignified.
01:28LAUGHTER
01:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:34Hi, Greg. Hi.
01:36Look, I thought we should go mad at the beginning
01:38and have a game of charades. Yeah? Yeah.
01:40You up for that? Yep. OK, here we go.
01:42This is the only one. Ooh, look.
01:44Hmm. OK.
01:46Can of beans, yeah. Ooh, look, there's Jack D.
01:49Ooh, but also, watch this. Huh?
01:52Ooh.
01:54What is it?
01:58They can say anything at all.
02:00Anything?
02:02Do you know what it is? What?
02:04Jack and the beans talk.
02:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
02:10Good one.
02:12Right, first prize, task of the series.
02:14What's the category, Alex?
02:16I was shocked when you told me it, Greg,
02:19I know.
02:22Unbelievable. My mum's watching this and I've been inside her.
02:27Greg will give five points for the thing he thinks is best
02:29and at the end of the episode, the overall winner will take home
02:32something that has been inside each of the four people
02:34they've been sitting next to and themselves.
02:36Yummy in my tummy. Your turn.
02:38Andy Saltzman. Yes, yes, Greg.
02:40What have you brought that's been inside you?
02:43Well, the best thing that's been inside me, Greg, is my lung.
02:47Here it is. Andy's lung.
02:49AUDIENCE GROANS
02:52The winner's going to take home...
02:54But that's not Andy's lung, is it?
02:56Because otherwise Andy would be dead.
02:58Well, it just gives me a great incentive to win this show
03:01so I get them back at the end.
03:04Have you had those lungs inside you?
03:06Yes, I have. You have not!
03:10You don't like them? I don't like them, no.
03:12They don't work within the limit of the task
03:15and they make me feel sick.
03:17By the way, what thing have you brought in that I might like
03:20that you've had inside you?
03:22I brought something that you will definitely like.
03:24It is Jamaican oxtail.
03:26It's beautiful.
03:28I'm Nigerian, but I love Jamaican food, so that's what I brought.
03:31And this is some oxtail stew here.
03:34I'm not going to lie, that looks disgusting.
03:38But I'm telling you, it tastes delicious, you know what I'm saying?
03:41Has that been inside you? Yes.
03:43Same batch? Same batch.
03:45I mean, the idea of this, that you bring slightly surprising things in,
03:48Baba, you've just brought in the thing that you like to eat.
03:50Yes! Yes!
03:52Baba, it looks delicious,
03:54apart from the sticks that have been thrown on top of it.
03:59Eva, what have you brought in that you might have had inside yourself,
04:02or you have had inside?
04:04So, cos it's the best thing that's been inside you, right?
04:07Yes. I have brought in my ex
04:10as represented by a USB stick.
04:18So I've uploaded a huge amount of material about his life.
04:23It's a bloke.
04:25And he is just a legend.
04:27Is he an actual legend?
04:29Yeah, no, he's not an actual... Well, he's just...
04:31He's not King Arthur. Excuse me!
04:35Well, the winner gets to plug it in and have a good look.
04:38And as a boyfriend, what was his best quality?
04:41Just, like, nice to be around.
04:43He dumped me.
04:46Do you eject you safely?
04:54Hello, Jack. Hello.
04:56You all right? Yes, very well, thank you, Greg.
04:58OK.
05:00What have you had inside you?
05:02I've brought in my...
05:04Well, one of my favourite toothbrushes,
05:07which I had... I used... I liked it so much,
05:09I used it for several years.
05:11And... Thank you, yeah.
05:14So I bought this one in 2012.
05:16And I used it until 2022 or something.
05:20Here it is.
05:24Yeah, there it is. Jesus Christ, Jack.
05:27It did discolour in the end.
05:29When we told Jack about the competition,
05:31you told him to bring in a good prize, right?
05:34Not to just clear out the shit from his garage.
05:37Rosie Jones, what have you had inside you
05:40that you deemed appropriate to bring on the show?
05:42It is a letter opener.
05:47So I have recently started living on my own.
05:54And I love it.
05:57I am naked the whole time.
06:02That means I get a lot of food on my body.
06:13And I have recently found out
06:18that there's been a smell coming from my belly button.
06:28So the finger won't get it.
06:36That does.
06:41I can get in really deep.
06:46And I swear to God,
06:49last week I got a little bit of umbilical...
06:57No!
07:00How deep's your belly button?
07:02That's my favourite Bee Gees song.
07:10Who has brought in the worst?
07:12It's Baba or Andy, isn't it?
07:14Let's face it.
07:15So we're going to give Zaltzman and his horrible lungs one point.
07:18Baba, two.
07:19Two to Baba.
07:20Incredibly, getting three points
07:22is a man who lazily grabbed an old toothbrush
07:25on his way to the show.
07:27Three to Jack.
07:28You know, it's such an appalling image.
07:30We'll give Rosie Jones five points on this occasion.
07:32There we go. Four to Emma, five to Rosie.
07:36It's a very strong start.
07:37Right, task one, let's get going.
07:39OK, here we go, bro.
07:41And hush your sweet, sweet mouth.
07:56Oh.
07:59Andy.
08:05I'll sit here, shall I?
08:06Yeah, just in front of Greg.
08:08Look at the state of him!
08:14Am I like Greg?
08:15Very serious?
08:16Just smile more, I'm not going to lie to you, bro.
08:25Do not say any of this out loud.
08:56LAUGHTER
09:05Oh!
09:08Don't mind.
09:15Do you want to explain this task a little bit?
09:17Not yet.
09:18Ooh.
09:20All right, who are we going to see first?
09:22People are already calling Andy Zaltzman.
09:27Are you all right, Andy?
09:30Andy?
09:52Oh.
09:56Oh.
10:08Query?
10:09I've stopped the clock.
10:11I could have gone with Quesadilla.
10:13I thought that was an opportunity missed.
10:16APPLAUSE
10:21At what point during the filming process for this show, Andy,
10:24did you regret wearing full cricket whites?
10:27I've never been in a situation in life where I haven't thought,
10:30this would be better if I was in cricket whites.
10:33So, no regrets, no regrets.
10:35Ah, all right, good, that's encouraging.
10:37Do you ever regret sitting in a big throne like that?
10:40No.
10:41Does it not make the rest of your life seem mundane?
10:44LAUGHTER
10:47I mean, I suppose now you've said it, yeah.
10:50Well, Andy did very well. He managed to succeed in 7 minutes 54.
10:54Not bad, is it?
10:56Two more attempts now and a little bit more explanation
10:59from Bubba and Rosie.
11:02Stare at camera number one for at least 30 seconds without smiling.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:13LAUGHTER
11:23No!
11:25Right, let's try again.
11:32Eat an imaginary fly that has just landed on you.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:52Look under the six...
11:55..56...
11:58..letters of this task.
12:00LAUGHTER
12:06What letters have you got so far, Rosie?
12:10The first one's right.
12:12What's the second one?
12:16Is it an N?
12:18Wait, OK.
12:22You haven't quite finished the task.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:31Oh, not that seal.
12:35No, not that seal.
12:38Not that seal. Not that seal.
12:40You sneaky little bastard!
12:51Say a word beginning with Q.
12:56Your time started when you stared at the camera.
13:00Quiet.
13:01I've stopped the clock.
13:02That's it. That's it.
13:07Yeah.
13:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
13:20Bubba, the seal misdirection,
13:23it's the sort of thing this little nerd loves to do.
13:26How does it make you feel as a contestant?
13:28At the time, I was just like,
13:29who's coming up with this nonsense?
13:31You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.
13:33I messed up.
13:34You've come to the right show to mess up.
13:36Rosie, I missed what you said your Achilles heel was, is it?
13:39Not laughing like a town crier, I thought.
13:42Basically, I've always got to smile,
13:48cos when I don't smile,
13:51people think I'm dead.
13:55LAUGHTER
13:59Right, that's the end of part one. See you soon.
14:13Welcome back to the first episode of this new series
14:17where we've begun with a silent task.
14:19Shh! Keep it down, Big Mouth.
14:21Yes, some have been more silent than others,
14:24but there's two people left to see,
14:26Emma Siddy and Jack D.
14:31Not tempted to smile at all, Jack.
14:51SE8.
14:55Are you getting the fourth letter?
15:05Oh, I've lost my count now. Oh.
15:07And I think it's going to matter.
15:09It's going to matter. Yeah.
15:11Quick. I've stopped the clock.
15:13What have you come up with?
15:15I mean, the first one I thought, I came up with seal.
15:18Did you? And I thought, that's got a nautical feel to it.
15:21That does sound relevant. Yeah.
15:24Look under the letters.
15:26Well, yeah, or whatever those...
15:28It's not seal. Well, I think it might be seal.
15:31You think it might be seal? Yeah.
15:33So I look... OK, so then I find a seal and look underneath.
15:36Well, maybe. That's a walrus.
15:38It's a shark, there's a seal.
15:40It's a sea lion, really. It's splitting hairs.
15:42Ah, OK. What about this seal?
15:47OK, there was something written there,
15:49but it's all come off.
15:51Yeah, you ripped it quite hard there.
15:53Ripped it quite hard? What are you talking about?
15:55You were very rough with it.
15:57Don't blame me for shoddy props.
15:59I'll just go and see if we've got another one. Thanks.
16:06Oh, I set it on fire.
16:10I mean, that's pretty good.
16:12Faster. Fastest.
16:14Good as new.
16:16Is there another one coming, the seal?
16:18Yes, we're just really sticking it down so it doesn't slip.
16:22Well, what's the point of that? That's what's caused all this.
16:28I've got a task for you. Best of luck.
16:33This is me being patient? Yeah.
16:35Maybe this is how you should have done the first one, Jack.
16:38Quick.
16:45Well...
16:47I mean, first things first, let's start with the positives.
16:50Sure. Pretty efficient.
16:52Well, yeah, I would argue boringly efficient.
16:54You looked under a seat. There was a bit of fun there.
16:57Thank you. I really appreciate that. And I'll tell you something else.
16:59Yeah? No-one winks any more.
17:01Right. And you did a lovely bawdy wink after it.
17:04I didn't mean it to be bawdy.
17:06I more meant, like, you know, we're all in this together.
17:09I didn't mean sexually bawdy. Fine. I'm sorry.
17:11I just mean fun bawdy. Fine.
17:14What went wrong, Jack?
17:16OK, full disclosure.
17:18Within a couple of minutes, I could see what was going on here.
17:21I thought, oh, dear, they've come up with a duff task.
17:25Oh, yeah? And to get some mileage out of it,
17:27I'm going to have to find some stuff here.
17:31I should probably cross out what I wrote then.
17:33What did you write?
17:35Well, I say this as a man of a similar vintage, but I wrote,
17:38this all feels a bit Grandad's Not Settled Into His Home Yet.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:45Emma said the word quick after 3 minutes 58.
17:48Jack said the word quick after 41 seconds and 30 minutes.
17:52Just over half an hour.
17:54APPLAUSE
17:57Actually, I want to show you one more little extra bit of Jack.
18:00Yes, do, yeah. This tickled me.
18:02This is Jack earlier on in the task.
18:06It's not my fault, this is probably quite boring to watch.
18:10It's not boring. OK.
18:12It's the first word beginning with Q that anyone said.
18:15He said it after 3 minutes 32 seconds,
18:17so a bit quicker than Emma in the end.
18:19Oh!
18:21It's cruel.
18:23Even I say that's unfair, but I'll take it.
18:26APPLAUSE
18:29Sometimes the game can be cruel, Emma.
18:32Yeah. Oh!
18:35So, Baba was the slowest in the end.
18:3717 minutes 59, one point.
18:39Baba. Then Rosie gets two points.
18:41Andy was the third slowest, three points.
18:43Emma gets four points, but Jack D wins the task and five points.
18:46APPLAUSE
18:49Wow. I'd love to see a scoreboard, please.
18:52All right, well, there are joint leaders at this stage.
18:55It is Jack and Emma on eight points.
18:57Here they are.
18:59APPLAUSE
19:02Another one, please.
19:04Yes, and we're off to a theme park.
19:09MUSIC PLAYS
19:23Why are you standing like that, bro?
19:25It's quite windy.
19:26I've got a really bad feeling about this.
19:29Have you been on any of the rides?
19:31No, I haven't, erm, because, er...
19:34..it's closed.
19:36Yes. Yeah.
19:37Knock over exactly 100 cans.
19:44You must throw all five balls...
19:48..and pull one rope nice and hard.
19:52You must stay on the spot at all times
19:55and you may not move the spot.
19:59Closest to 100 cans wins.
20:02Your time starts now.
20:04APPLAUSE
20:08Let's have a look, then.
20:10All right, we're going to begin with one man.
20:12He's dressed as a sportsman, but can he sportsman?
20:15It's Andy Zaltzman.
20:18Exactly 100 cans.
20:20How many cans are there? I reckon there's 200 cans.
20:22200 cans, right.
20:23If I do that... OK.
20:33I think that's 70 cans down.
20:36This is your sport.
20:38Pressure is on here. OK.
20:45Right, I was hoping to get all them down in one go.
20:52I'd say that was unlucky.
21:00Oh, damn!
21:02What if I throw a tin?
21:05Right.
21:11You've opened it.
21:13I'm running out of balls.
21:15I'm running out of tins.
21:22Oh, God!
21:30I was doing very well there.
21:32I very nearly stopped.
21:34That's the most disappointed I've been in a long time.
21:46It's all very impressive, initially.
21:48And then, well, what I think is the Zaltzman equivalent of anarchy happened.
21:52Yeah. That being, you angrily throw your yoga ball to the left.
21:57You know, what else do you do with yoga balls?
21:59I've never really seen what they're for,
22:01apart from hurling in a fit of rage.
22:0370 cans down.
22:05There's some good news. You miscounted at the beginning.
22:07You thought there were 200 cans there.
22:09There were actually 160 cans there.
22:11Oh, right.
22:12You knocked over 104 cans.
22:17That brings me no joy,
22:19because I'm supposed to be good with numbers, and that's...
22:22Yeah. Well, there's no pleasing some people.
22:24No, there isn't.
22:26Good start. Who's next?
22:28Now it's time for some classic R&B.
22:30Rosie and Baba.
22:34OK.
22:36We might need more balls.
22:40That's your tactic? Just throw it, innit?
22:48Yeah, baby!
22:52Oh, no!
22:58Going very high on the stacks.
23:00Bro, I didn't do throwing in school, bro.
23:03Man's just a comedian, bro. Like, what do you think, man?
23:06I didn't do javelin.
23:14Yeah, baby!
23:26Oh, fuck!
23:31LAUGHTER
23:41Keep falling, just keep falling.
23:45Wait. I'm not done yet.
23:47I got this, innit?
23:52Yeah, baby!
23:55Oh!
23:56If I keep going higher, let's go low.
24:00Oh, for goodness sake, man.
24:02All right, big up. Big up. Later.
24:09No!
24:16Neither of you thought to count the cans
24:19before you started throwing?
24:21Yeah, I just got to go for it.
24:23You want me to stand there and be like, one, two, three.
24:25I ain't doing all of that.
24:27No, I understand that at school
24:30by telling them you were a comedian, it seems.
24:34I'm not doing maths, I'm a comedian.
24:36That's it. He didn't learn throwing at school.
24:38He's a comedian.
24:40Rosie, there's some awful heartbreaking moments for you.
24:43I've never seen the phrase, yeah, baby, so close to the phrase,
24:46oh, no.
25:00Oh, come on!
25:04Oh, Winky's not having that.
25:07You knocked over 47 cans, Rosie.
25:10Compared to Bubba's, 32.
25:15Right, we'll each have another break.
25:17It's a chance for Alex to count all of his friends.
25:20Welcome back to Taskmaster.
25:29APPLAUSE
25:33Oh, hello!
25:35You join us for the third part of the show
25:38and some more throwing at the theme park.
25:40Yes, these adults are trying to knock some cans over with some balls.
25:44And finally, uh-oh, it's Jack and Emma grouped together again.
25:49OK, so how many cans are there?
25:5117.
25:5321.
25:55So that's going to be...
25:57Yeah.
25:59I can't be bothered.
26:0240.
26:0440.
26:0640 times 4 is 160 cans.
26:10There's 160 there.
26:16Are you just getting rid of the balls?
26:18So I'm going to try and just get...
26:22OK, I don't... OK.
26:28My dad played rugby for England.
26:36I might actually just...
26:39..come to Daddy.
26:45Oh, God, what a shame, what a shame!
26:49This one's pointless, but we'll try anyway.
26:52How do you summon skills that you don't have?
26:55It's actually so difficult.
27:07So...
27:09Oh...
27:11That's not going to work.
27:13That's not going to work.
27:15That's not going to work.
27:17That's not going to work.
27:19Oh...
27:21That's a disappointment.
27:23Yeah.
27:24I might be able to use this.
27:26If I can hook them over...
27:28..and then...
27:30All right.
27:32Oh, no!
27:34I knew it, I knew it!
27:39OK.
27:45I know this is going to miss.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:57What I've written down is the juxtaposition of the sentence,
28:00my dad played rugby for England,
28:03and the throws that we witnessed following that sentence.
28:07Sounds melodramatic.
28:09I think it might destroy your family.
28:11Is it too early in the series to say,
28:14I don't have cerebral palsy?
28:16LAUGHTER
28:22But she did knock over more than Bubba.
28:24She knocked over 36.
28:26Which is good.
28:27Jack.
28:28You've made a career out of not looking very happy.
28:31I've got a theory, secretly, you were loving that.
28:33I found it cathartic, I suppose.
28:35I would do that again, actually.
28:37I wouldn't mind, yeah.
28:38How many cans got knocked out?
28:40At least they bothered to count.
28:41Yes. Well, I can tell you, we know Bubba was 32,
28:44Bubba, Emma, 36, Rosie, 47,
28:46Jack, 68.
28:48So, approaching 100.
28:50Yeah, obviously, Andy, 104.
28:52APPLAUSE
28:55I do want to show you one extra replay, though.
28:57Do you mind? Yeah.
28:58OK, here we go.
29:09Nice pop of the legs, though.
29:11Lovely pop of the legs.
29:13That means that Andy doesn't get any points.
29:15Oh.
29:16Bubba goes up to two points, three to Emma, four to Rosie,
29:19and Jack wins a task and five points.
29:21APPLAUSE
29:25OK, little Alex Horne, play me another task.
29:28Just for you, some stunning, soapy spheres.
29:31Ooh.
29:32MUSIC PLAYS
29:44Oh, hi, Jack.
29:46Hi. All right?
29:47Yes. Pop into the bubble.
29:50HE SIGHS
29:52Yeah, it's in there.
29:56HE GROANS
30:05That didn't work.
30:10Oh, no!
30:14HE GIGGLES
30:20Right.
30:21Do the most beautiful thing with bubbles.
30:24You have 20 minutes.
30:26Your time starts when you haven't said a word,
30:28beginning with B, for five seconds.
30:31Right, so if I want to buy time, I've got to keep babbling on,
30:34babbler-sleep.
30:36Your time's started now, Jack.
30:38Your time has now started.
30:40Your time has started.
30:41I've had to say a word like that in the task.
30:43Emma, your time has started.
30:45It's started now?
30:46Yes, because you didn't say a word, beginning with B,
30:48for five seconds.
30:51Not into that.
30:53You managed to get some soap and make some bubbles.
30:56Come on.
30:58Can I get naked?
31:01Oh, that is beautiful.
31:05APPLAUSE
31:08Farrah, you announced that you were going to make bubbles
31:11in this, the bubble task, as if you'd had a great idea.
31:16You even said, come on, afterwards.
31:18Yeah, man, obviously, you've got to get some soap and...
31:21I do it for the children.
31:23Like, if I don't buy, like, bubble solution,
31:25or, like, you know the one that you can just buy,
31:27I'll do it by myself.
31:28And you'll play on your own with bubbles?
31:30No, for my children.
31:31Oh, but you said you do it on your own sometimes.
31:33Well, I make the bubbles.
31:35You've got to make the bubble solution,
31:37and I put it in the machine.
31:38I know how to make bubbles, Baba.
31:40Then listen to what I've listed to you.
31:42You clearly ain't.
31:43I just want to establish whether you play with bubbles on your own.
31:46No, I don't play with bubbles on my own, bro.
31:48What a comedian.
31:49OK.
31:54OK, the first two we're going to see are Jack D and Bubble Tunday.
31:59Here we go.
32:02Are you into any particular types of bubbles, Jack?
32:04Well, champagne I like. I'd like a bit of champagne.
32:07We've got champagne.
32:08Where?
32:09Where's the champagne?
32:13Right, I'm going to draw my daughter.
32:15She's two months, and she's so beautiful.
32:17Bring it to me.
32:18Do you want me to bring you champagne?
32:20Yeah, and some glasses.
32:21This is her arms.
32:22We'll do, like, legs.
32:25Oh, she is beautiful.
32:27This is vegan, non-alcoholic.
32:30Yeah.
32:31Is there any other way you can take fun out of champagne?
32:36We've got real chocolate.
32:38Get yourself some penguin.
32:40Who wants dark chocolate?
32:41Like, come on, man, I'm not a psychopath.
32:43You know what I'm saying?
32:44I'd like you, Alex, to pass this round to the crew
32:46so that they all have some.
32:48What a beautiful thing, Jack.
32:49Yeah, I think... Thank you, you've said it.
32:51Let's get some flowers.
32:53You know what I mean?
32:56Should we keep one for Greg?
32:58That's a good idea. Which one do you think you'd want?
33:00Probably have a pint with me.
33:02Ready for this, my guy?
33:03I'm ready.
33:07Is man mad? Is man mad?
33:12To everyone, thank you for having me here
33:15and looking after me so nicely.
33:19Thank you for...
33:20Yeah, enjoy this drink with me,
33:22and I wish you peace and happiness and...
33:28What's wrong with him?
33:38Peace and happiness and I hope all your dreams come true.
33:41What a beautiful toast. Thank you.
33:48You like that, bro? Yeah.
33:51Bringing joy to your heart.
33:59Jack, how lovely that you involved a crew.
34:03I mean that. Yeah.
34:05We don't... You know, they work very hard on this show.
34:07I know, and they never get anything,
34:09as they were saying to me earlier.
34:11They don't. You know why? Why?
34:13Because Alex, do you know what he calls them behind their back?
34:16He calls them the faceless facilitators of his duties.
34:22It was nice to see them briefly happy,
34:24and when I left, they just said,
34:26Jack, thank you.
34:34Batman, pleased with your attempt?
34:36I'm going to own it. Yes, I was.
34:38I was pleased with it cos, you know, honouring my new baby girl.
34:42And that was genuinely sweet, I thought.
34:45Can we have a look at the painting of his daughter?
34:47His beautiful 11-week-old daughter?
34:49Here she is.
34:52I think I'll rip this up afterwards
34:55cos I'm ashamed I can actually draw.
34:57You can actually draw? I can actually draw. I'm a good drawer.
34:59Well, you didn't. You didn't do art at school.
35:01All right, bro.
35:06Just so you know, he said the word bang every time he drew a thing.
35:09He also said that his sperm and genes and DNA were elite.
35:14You should see my son and daughter.
35:16I'm telling you, man, they're gorgeous.
35:18When my daughter was born, the whole hospital,
35:20they were like, oh, my days, she's so gorgeous.
35:22Even the really ill people.
35:26Well, it's time for Mr Steps-Off-The-Spots-Himself.
35:29It's Andy's alter ego.
35:31And action!
35:36Beauty and the bubble.
35:40I am bubble.
35:42Am I beautiful?
35:44Tell me, what is beauty?
35:48I have dreams of what a sphere can become.
35:52But I know change, changes, change.
35:55And the world becomes new again.
35:58We create, we destroy.
36:00We are destroyed, we were created.
36:04Life isn't so unexpected.
36:08Try the orange.
36:10For I know, as a bubble,
36:12things never stay the same.
36:15Things never change.
36:17We are all bubbles.
36:19Bubbles doomed to die.
36:22But our beauty lives forever.
36:25Work the camera, for fuck's sake.
36:45I mean, it's pretty incredible, actually.
36:47I don't actually have anything negative to say about it.
36:50We are all bubbles waiting to burst.
36:52Well, it's an exploration of the sort of fragility
36:55that this show too often shies away from.
36:58Andy, I thought it was excellent. Thank you.
37:00Time for the final break of the night.
37:02Who will not only win the episode,
37:04but also take home a lung and Jack D's ranted old toothbrush?
37:08What an adrenaline rush!
37:09I feel like I'm tripping in Woodstock, man!
37:12See you soon.
37:18APPLAUSE
37:21Welcome back!
37:23Welcome back to the final part of this new series.
37:26Who's next in line to do something beautiful with bubbles, Alex?
37:29Ooh, a top-notch question, Greg, and a lovely voice.
37:33It's Rosie and Siddy Jones and Emma.
37:36ORGAN PLAYS
37:39ORGAN STOPS
37:46Rosie?
37:47I'm not Rosie.
37:49I am the Bubblegum Fairy!
37:57Oh, lights!
38:00Oh, Greg.
38:02Oh, Greg.
38:03I am doing the most beautiful thing with bubbles.
38:07A beautiful babe having a bubble birth.
38:13I am here to grant your three wishes,
38:21but don't tell me them,
38:25cos I know them already!
38:31Oh, Greg.
38:34What are you doing tonight?
38:37Bubble bath, maybe?
38:42I bet that you want more bubbles!
38:51You like bubblegum!
38:57Eat the bubblegum!
39:00Eat it!
39:01I can't really do bubblegum.
39:02Eat it!
39:03How much?
39:04More!
39:05More!
39:06More!
39:17And I know you want the bubblegum,
39:22you want the bubblegum dance!
39:28Bubblegum fairy!
39:32Bubblegum fairy!
39:41I can't blow bubbles, I know so much.
39:43Blow!
39:45Blow!
39:47Blow!
39:51And now I leave one drop.
40:04OK.
40:06I think what we have to...
40:08the three of us have to talk about
40:10is your understanding of the word beautiful properly.
40:14Now I think I nailed it!
40:18Did you?
40:21Honestly, there's nothing more beautiful in life than...
40:28Than the bubblegum fairy?
40:30Yeah!
40:31Played by the most beautiful woman alive!
40:36Right.
40:37Well, I'm not going to comment on your personal beauty,
40:40cos I'm looking only at the character.
40:42And...
40:44personally...
40:47I find the bubblegum fairy to be quite irritating.
40:53Anna, let's talk about your beauty.
40:55Yes.
40:56When you started erotically eating the chocolate,
40:59I think you just looked hammered.
41:05And I...
41:07I'm very flattered to be offered a bath with a lady,
41:10but I would prefer it if she hadn't been out for 12 pints.
41:15Yes, and I'm the beholder.
41:17Totally fine.
41:18That I do accept.
41:20Yeah.
41:26What, Emma or the bubblegum fairy?
41:28Yeah.
41:29Well, Emma.
41:31100 times over.
41:34Sorry, bitch.
41:35Sorry.
41:37APPLAUSE
41:41Go on, then, Greg.
41:42Well, who do you think's going to get one point?
41:45I'll give you a two!
41:48One point to Rosie, well done.
41:50Yeah, good.
41:51I mean, if the Chocolate Goblin woman of nondescript nationality
41:55hadn't been so drunk, she might have got more than two points.
41:58Two to Emma, got it.
41:59I think the sentiment of sharing bubbles with a largely ignored
42:04and often much derided crew, with him,
42:08is quite beautiful and deserves three points.
42:10Three points to Jack, got it.
42:12I'm going to give Baba's Beautiful Daughter four points.
42:14Four, got it.
42:15We must recognise artistic genius when we see it,
42:17and Andy gets five points.
42:18OK, well done, Andy.
42:20APPLAUSE
42:21OK, then, everyone, please make your way to the stage
42:24for your first final task of the show!
42:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:35Who's reading the task out?
42:36Emma is going to read the task.
42:38Is she?
42:39I hope you'll include a wink in this read.
42:42Excuse me?
42:47Drink the vinegar.
42:51On your turn, you can either drink from one straw
42:54or not drink at all and get a clue from Alex instead.
42:58You must stand on the spot when choosing your straw
43:00and you must never stray from the spot.
43:04Only the vinegar drinker wins.
43:07There's five points at stake here.
43:08No-one else will get any points at all, Greg.
43:10Wow.
43:11They can choose to either tell me which number they're going to drink from
43:14and then drink from it... Yep.
43:15..or they can get a clue from me.
43:17The clue refers to the numbers in front of the straws.
43:21Up you come, Rosie.
43:22APPLAUSE
43:25So, Rosie, would you like to drink or get a clue?
43:29So I'm going to go for it.
43:32OK, which number are you going to drink from?
43:34Ten. Off you go.
43:35Down and...
43:36Whoa!
43:39This is a gift waiting to happen.
43:45Whoa!
43:52Have you drunk vinegar?
43:54No.
43:56I like it.
43:58OK.
43:59A bit fishy.
44:01Yes, it is a bit fishy.
44:02It's tomato juice.
44:04OK, Jack, would you like a clue or a drink?
44:06Um, let's try a clue.
44:08OK.
44:15You're such a weird man.
44:18You must now return to your spot.
44:20Oh, I see.
44:21Oh, a clue from inside.
44:23I get it.
44:24Clue, clue.
44:25Clue as well? Yeah, yeah.
44:27Yes.
44:33Clue or drink, Baba?
44:34I'm going for a drink.
44:35Here we go.
44:36What number are you going to choose?
44:3716.
44:3816.
44:39Wow, confident.
44:40I'm not...
44:41Do it.
44:42I don't like this, man.
44:44Do you not like a lovely vinegar drink?
44:49Is it vinegar?
44:50No, that ain't vinegar, but...
44:52I don't know, that's all right.
44:53It's iced tea.
44:54It's iced tea.
44:55It's iced tea.
44:56It's iced tea.
44:57It's iced tea.
44:58It's iced tea.
44:59He's not...
45:00He's not...
45:04I appreciate that.
45:07Clue or suck?
45:11Clue, please, Alex.
45:12Clue, here it comes.
45:13I'm nearly there.
45:14Here I am.
45:16It's a lot of this, isn't it?
45:19Just let me seductively get it out of the way for you.
45:26LAUGHTER
45:27OK.
45:31I'm going to suck,
45:33but I'm also going to try and get your clue.
45:39Cool.
45:40I think it's a prime number.
45:45I do like them.
45:46Ooh!
45:48So I'm going to go for 17.
45:53OK.
45:56Right.
45:57Tom?
46:02She drank the vinegar!
46:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:11So, we'll have those five points.
46:14Come down here, we'll see how that affects the final score!
46:23Very good.
46:24So, you get in there, you just guessed it, did you?
46:26I thought the clue was a prime number.
46:30Why?
46:31Cos Alex is so boring.
46:34Yeah.
46:36Do you want to see the scoreboard? Yeah.
46:38It's unbelievable.
46:39She was in third place before, but now she's in first place.
46:41Rosie Jones has 17 points!
46:47Rosie Jones wins episode one.
46:50Please go and collect the things that have been inside your rhyme bowl!
47:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE