Have I Got a Bit More News for You S68 E03
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00:00Hello, I'm Phil Wang.
00:01Last time I was here I hosted, so I guess that went well.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:45Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:48I'm Professor Hannah Fry.
00:50In the news this week, as he plumbs the depths of reality TV,
00:54Matt Hancock's triumph on Celebrity Does My Head Fit In There
00:57proves to be a hollow victory.
01:00LAUGHTER
01:09As the daily regime of exercise begins,
01:11there are complaints of cruelty at Battersea Dogs' Home.
01:20And as Taylor Swift announces new dates at Wembley,
01:22there's already high demand for tickets.
01:30APPLAUSE
01:35On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
01:38and, amazingly, another mathematician.
01:41Really?
01:43He doesn't half look like one.
01:44Please welcome Phil Wang.
01:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
01:52On Paul's team tonight is a presenter whose TV career
01:55began with the phrase,
01:56I'll take one from the top, two from the middle
01:58and two from the bottom.
02:00It's like Keir Starmer picking out free shoes.
02:02Please welcome Harold Vorderman.
02:04APPLAUSE
02:08OK, we're going to begin with the bigger news stories of this week.
02:12Ian and Phil, have a little look at this.
02:14Right, that's the frozen Cabinet.
02:15A few pensioners in there.
02:18Live footage from the Treasury.
02:21Yeah, there's nothing left.
02:22Oh, it's a machine.
02:24It's Labour's new Chief of Staff.
02:25LAUGHTER
02:27Well, this is the budget.
02:29It is the budget.
02:30We're still waiting for it.
02:31Yes, we are.
02:32Right, there we go. Next.
02:35Oh, you want some speculation?
02:36Go on.
02:37Well, I reckon there's going to be a tax increase.
02:40They have got this quite big black hole to fill.
02:42A black hole that's got bigger.
02:43Do you know how big it is now?
02:44It's now 40 billion. It is.
02:46It was 22 billion. Absolutely.
02:48Which is a percentage rise of...
02:50Well, almost double.
02:51LAUGHTER
02:54Wow.
02:55Wow. She's still got it.
02:57Yeah.
02:58You're absolutely right, though.
03:00But the Government have leaked a lot of scare stories
03:02about how they're going to raise another 22 billion.
03:04What is the latest tax rise that they've refused to rule out?
03:08The employers' national insurance rise.
03:10And they've said, look, it looks in the manifesto
03:13as though we said we won't raise national insurance,
03:16but it turns out we said we won't increase
03:18employees' national insurance, but we will increase employers'.
03:24So, the difference of a single letter means they weren't lying.
03:29But you said the difference of one letter, you know,
03:31that's the difference between uniformed police officers
03:33and uninformed police officers.
03:34LAUGHTER
03:35It's different.
03:37One letter.
03:38OK, what were the Government pinning their hopes on
03:40to inject more money into the economy this week?
03:42They found a new way of defining what debt is.
03:45And it's brilliant, because it actually means
03:47that you don't owe what you think.
03:49Not the answer I wanted.
03:50Different answer.
03:51Not the nom-doms.
03:52Not the nom-doms.
03:54Not the private investment summit that was there.
03:56Oh, yes. Yes.
03:57Look, I want the answer I've got down on the card, OK?
03:59Yeah, OK. Professor.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:03You'd think you might get a little latitude round the answer.
04:06Oh, no.
04:07You're thinking of geography there.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:10Different subject altogether.
04:12So, Labour hosted a big investment summit
04:15at the Guildhall in London this week.
04:16Yes, and they got lots of investors in, including P&O.
04:20They did.
04:21They did.
04:22Which is a bit embarrassing.
04:23Why so?
04:24Well, because when they were in opposition,
04:26they said P&O are a disgrace, and they sack hundreds of workers
04:29and then rehire people on agency fees, and they are abominable.
04:32But now they're in government, they've said, hello!
04:35I was a care-wanter free cruise.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38Let's go to the Bahamas, baby!
04:41To be specific, this was Transport Secretary Louise Hague...
04:44Yes. ..who described P&O Ferries as...
04:49Yeah, because they've got a terrible employment record.
04:52In 2022, they sacked 800 workers by text message and video link
04:56and then immediately rehired cheaper replacements from abroad.
05:00So, Phil, take over.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:10Do you know what the government did to try and woo the investors?
05:13Free biscuits.
05:15Michelin star meal.
05:16I mean, you're close.
05:17They did try and woo them with some quite delicious delicacies.
05:20They served amazing English food, apparently.
05:25Was it Gregg's?
05:28Still on Labour, then. Yeah, but they did have Elton John.
05:31They did have Elton John.
05:32He sang Candle In The Wind about Liz Truss.
05:34It was very moving.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:44What is Health Secretary Wes Streeting's radical plan
05:47to save the NHS?
05:48He's going to give people Azempic jabs, or weight-loss drugs,
05:52to get them back to work.
05:54Yeah. So, you know, Wes Streeting is trying to fight inflation, too.
05:59The theory is everyone is overweight in the entire country,
06:02so you give everyone this jab, they become slim,
06:04they go to work, growth, productivity,
06:07we become the richest nation on Earth, and thin.
06:10What could go wrong?
06:13You know, they're advertising Azempic in the States now
06:16quite heavily.
06:17Do you know what classic British pop song they're using
06:19to advertise it?
06:21Oh...
06:22I'm Too Sexy For Myself.
06:24Is it? No. OK, give us a clue.
06:26All right, I'll tell you what, I'll play you the clip.
06:28OK, yeah.
06:29Looking to get back in your type 2 diabetes zone?
06:32Once Weekly Azempic can help.
06:34Oh, oh, oh, oh, Azempic!
06:37LAUGHTER
06:41Did that ad say, are you trying to get back into type 2 diabetes?
06:45Is that the state of the health of Americans?
06:47Are they trying to get back to diabetes?
06:49Yeah, that's an improvement.
06:52Um, anyone out here taking Azempic?
06:54What are you trying to say?
06:57Do you think this isn't just exercise and healthy eating?
07:01Yeah, the only problem is that as soon as you come off the Azempic,
07:03all of the weight immediately just goes back on again.
07:06So, nice plan.
07:07Well, flu jab for winter, Azempic for summer.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:11How did the government contrive to squander £150,000
07:16in taxpayers' money in August this year?
07:18Well, I think squander is presuming you disapprove.
07:22This is the swift cavalcade.
07:24Do you not disapprove?
07:25Well, I mean, she bought £1 billion worth of straightforward benefit
07:29to the UK economy by her series of concerts.
07:32So, I think £150,000 isn't bad as a deal.
07:37I mean, I don't want to come over all swifty.
07:40You spend millions policing football matches every weekend.
07:44I've never heard of a Taylor Swift fan punching a police horse.
07:47Mm.
07:49Quite often, it's the other way round.
07:55Do you know what status she was given for all of this?
07:57It was like VVIP.
07:58It was VVIP.
08:00This is reserved for members of the Royal Family, except for Harry.
08:04What has Labour MP Patrick Hurley begun a campaign for?
08:07It's Freddo's. It's Freddo's.
08:09Freddo's? It's Freddo's.
08:10They've been getting smaller and smaller.
08:12They absolutely have.
08:13Is he saying, make Freddo's big again?
08:15LAUGHTER
08:17What are they?
08:18What are they?
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21As the packet illustrates, they're frogs covered in chocolate.
08:25We had Frodo's, they were Tolkien-themed.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:29It's all about to reduce the price rather than make them bigger.
08:32According to the Eye, the Freddo has been used informally
08:36as a measure of inflation.
08:37But did you see that Donald Trump has been using
08:40a similar economic model?
08:41Tic-Tac. Oh, dear.
08:43Yes. Let's have a look at this.
08:45This is Tic-Tac's, right?
08:47CHEERING
08:49I don't know if I like the company.
08:51I've never met... I have no idea.
08:52They're so lucky.
08:53Look at all the television shows they're on.
08:55They're on all the time.
08:56They're on all the time.
08:57They're on all the time.
08:58Look at all the television.
09:00This is the greatest commercial they ever had.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:04But that's what happened.
09:05This is inflation.
09:07This is Tic-Tac.
09:08This is Tic-Tac.
09:10This is inflation.
09:11LAUGHTER
09:16Do you do your lectures like that, your maths lectures?
09:18Of course I do.
09:20Freddo. Big. Small.
09:22Yeah.
09:23Do you reckon his advisers said you need to do more on TikTok?
09:26LAUGHTER
09:29APPLAUSE
09:34This is the budget and the probability
09:36that a manifesto promise will be broken.
09:38Talking about the money Rachel Reeves hopes to raise with the budget,
09:42the Institute for Fiscal Studies said...
09:45..40 billion is a big number.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:48Not to us, OK?
09:50At the investment summit, Keir Starmer appeared at a panel event
09:54with former Google CEO Eric Schmidt,
09:58a hard man to interview.
09:59Every time you ask him a question, he gives you 43 million possible answers.
10:02LAUGHTER
10:04Where's Streeting this week outlined a stark future for the NHS?
10:08Reform or die.
10:10Reform or die, also the choice currently facing disillusioned Tories.
10:13LAUGHTER
10:15OK, Paul and Carol, you have a look at this. Yes.
10:18Oh, this is the World Championship.
10:20Conker Championships, isn't it? Yes.
10:22There is now the world champion.
10:24Yeah. Controversial.
10:25It's all gone bonkers with the Conkers.
10:27There is a ridiculous piece of visual imagery.
10:30So it's a big, big Conker story.
10:32It is a big Conker story.
10:34It is a bit of... And he had a steel Conker in his pocket.
10:37Steel Conker in your pocket? And it was painted.
10:40I'll just show you a picture of him. Here he is, David Jenkins.
10:42Do you know what his nickname is? David the Cheat Jenkins.
10:45LAUGHTER
10:46No, he's not called that. King Conker.
10:47King Conker. King Conker, exactly right.
10:50Some people say they've accused him of having a steel Conker.
10:54Conker made of metal. Yeah.
10:56Robo-Conker.
10:57Yeah.
10:58Why would you have a steel Conker in your pocket?
11:00Yeah, exactly.
11:01Unless you'll be going out on a date later on.
11:03LAUGHTER
11:05We should point out, though, that King Conker
11:07does deny all of these allegations.
11:09Oh, absolutely.
11:10So does Baroness Moan.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:17Do you have any idea how The Sun put it in their headline?
11:20They used the word bonkers earlier. Does that crop up?
11:23It is Conker Plonker used steel nut to Conker.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:28What was King Conker's defence for having a metal Conker?
11:30Luck. It was for luck.
11:32He had no intention of using it.
11:33He found it. It fell off a steel tree.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:38Didn't he say he wanted to show it to kids?
11:40Yeah, he told BBC News that he had it in his pocket to amuse children,
11:44which, of course, led to a different kind of investigation.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:48Do you know what raised suspicions about this?
11:51Well, the effectiveness of his Conker.
11:53It smashed the other competitors' Conkers to smithereens.
11:56One opponent told the Mail that King Conker had...
12:04Adding...
12:07I was... I just... I don't want to brag.
12:09Don't brag, no. But 1969...
12:12That's not a brag. No.
12:131969, two great things happened.
12:16Man landed on the moon for the first time,
12:18and I became the junior Conker champion in real.
12:22Oh, wow.
12:24APPLAUSE
12:28What's the Conker tips now?
12:30Conker tips, two minutes vinegar, two minutes in the oven, low heat.
12:34Isn't human urine meant to be quite good?
12:36For what? For making the...
12:38LAUGHTER
12:40For everything. That's an aperitif. Yeah.
12:43There is some advice for finding a good Conker,
12:45using a farmyard animal.
12:47Anyone want to guess what that is? A pig?
12:49It is a pig. Do you know what you do with it?
12:51Like a truffling pig? Yeah.
12:52In The Guardian, my godfather won the championships twice,
12:55a Conker champion said, and he used to say that the best Conker
12:58was one that had been passed through a pig.
13:01Oh. Was that on a long piece of string?
13:08Otherwise, he's going to chew it up.
13:10Well, it depends which end you start with, doesn't it?
13:18I stand corrected. Yeah, indeed.
13:21You should see how the pig stands.
13:29Who's now looking into one of these allegations?
13:32Do you know? Is it the United Nations?
13:35Just one tiny step down, it's gone to the highest echelons of sport,
13:39the World Conker Championships Organising Board. Oh, right.
13:42Is there a bit of video of him sort of secreting a Conker
13:44about his person? There absolutely is a video.
13:46Would you like to see it? Yes, please. Yeah, oh, yes.
13:50This is the phone footage the committee has been examining.
13:52Mr Jenkins, in the green, appears to put one Conker in his pocket,
13:57then takes out another from a different pocket
13:59and throws it into the crowd.
14:01Could the one still in his pocket be made of steel?
14:04Oh! That piece of shit. Oh, absolutely.
14:08But, yeah, the footage has now been passed to the World Conkers
14:10Organisation.
14:11Do you know why they haven't yet made a ruling on the cheating?
14:15Because Russia and China don't agree.
14:19Here is committee member, Stjern Burkert,
14:22to explain the delay on Sky News.
14:24And when do you think you might have the conclusion?
14:27Well, hopefully, hopefully within the next 24 hours or so,
14:30when we've got a response from people,
14:32because, of course, some people have gone off to work for the day,
14:35so it's going to take a bit of time.
14:38I love his hat.
14:40What, dressed like that?
14:41LAUGHTER
14:43Guys, do you know what other great sporting event
14:46took place this week?
14:48No, we don't know.
14:51It's obviously the North American Wife-Carrying Championships
14:53that took place in May.
14:55Honestly, I'm shocked that neither of you got this.
14:57Let's have a little look.
14:59And here comes team number two.
15:01CHEERING
15:03CHEERING
15:10He was practising. He's got this technique down for the hurdle.
15:13OK, real quick. Never mind.
15:16Apparently, it was way different when you put a wife on your back.
15:21Maybe a country can have too much money.
15:25Would you like to guess what the winner gets?
15:28Um...
15:29A divorce?
15:32It's actually their wife's weight in beer.
15:34Oh! Here's how they work it out.
15:37Guys, when your wife says that she wants you to get a six-pack,
15:41that is not what she means.
15:43This is the cheating scandal that's threatening to destroy
15:46the good reputation of the World Conker Championships.
15:49The women's competition was won by an American, Kelsey Bornschbach,
15:54which, coincidentally, is the closest Joe Biden has come
15:57to saying Kemi Badenoch.
16:01Here is another one of the competitors at this year's
16:03World Conker Championships.
16:05And he'll be back on the news on January 6th,
16:07storming the capital if Trump loses again.
16:11And so, to Round Two, the Venn diagram of news.
16:15Oh! Very excellent.
16:17OK, fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is your first one.
16:24We know this, don't we? You do. I don't. Yeah.
16:27Well, it wasn't the Space Shuttle, but it was the Starship.
16:31Elon Musk's SpaceX rocket programme.
16:33Did you cry when it came back in?
16:35So, the heavy rocket booster...
16:37..came on, and you're watching on the screen,
16:41like, the Starship itself going off... Yes.
16:43..and accelerating, like, to 17,000 miles an hour. Yes.
16:48And at the same time... Yes.
16:49..you're watching the heavy booster come back down to Earth. No!
16:53And it's got these mechanical arms... Oh, this is too much.
16:55..chopsticks, and they go like that, and they go like that. Chopsticks.
16:58And there it is. Yes. Back where it took off.
17:02So, it was a total waste of time, then?
17:07It was actually quite remarkable. Have a look at this.
17:21Oh! Oh, no.
17:26On the subject of things falling perfectly in place... Mm-hm.
17:29..would you like to see a video of a very lucky woman in India? Yes. Oh.
17:32She'll just tell you that everyone was fine, OK? OK.
17:37Oh!
17:39LAUGHTER
17:41SHE SCREAMS
17:42LAUGHTER
17:45What?!
17:46LAUGHTER
17:52Is she actually inside?
17:54Is she actually inside that? Yeah.
17:56That's a lot more impressive than Elon Musk.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:02Has the man come out and said,
18:03I think it's come from up there? Yeah.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:10What was the point of the Musk thing?
18:12It's basically a big recycling project, essentially,
18:14so they can reuse these rocket boosters,
18:16not just have them fall into the sea,
18:18which hopefully will make up for the 700,000 gallons of fuel a second
18:23that they had to burn to get up there in the first place. Yeah.
18:25If I used to have a car like that...
18:27LAUGHTER
18:29I wish Elon Musk would invent a rocket
18:31that could get his head out of Donald Trump's ass.
18:34I think he'd be working on that, mate.
18:36APPLAUSE
18:40In other news, what has a robot in Germany been up to this week?
18:44Oh, conduct...
18:45BELL RINGS Yes.
18:47Conducting an orchestra. God damn it!
18:49Yes, it absolutely has.
18:50This is a robot conductor with three arms
18:53that made its debut at the Dresden Symphonic Orchestra.
18:56Here it is.
19:21Yes.
19:23It might be more impressive if the musicians
19:25are actually looking at it.
19:26LAUGHTER
19:28That's how the robots are going to take over.
19:30They're going to bore us all to death.
19:32Mark, the artistic director of Dresden's Symphonica, Marcus Rindt,
19:36he said that the intention was not to replace human beings,
19:39but to perform complex music
19:40that human conductors would find impossible.
19:42Well, not to mention human listeners.
19:45I had no idea music was being held back
19:47by our shitty human conductor.
19:50And their shitty arms.
19:54You mean the music could have been faster this whole time?
19:58The faster the music is, the better, I find.
20:00Yeah. I can't wait.
20:03For a million notes a second.
20:07Fingers on buzzer, teams.
20:09BUZZER
20:11WHISTLE BLOWS
20:13Yes, at a recent rally, Trump, instead of talking,
20:18he danced and played music for about 40 minutes straight.
20:22And people were not disappointed, actually.
20:29Let's have a little look.
20:30MUSIC
20:39There are times when you think artificial intelligence
20:41might be better.
20:42Yeah.
20:48WHISTLE BLOWS
20:50LAUGHTER
20:51He dances like a Conservative Member of Parliament, I would say.
20:55Do spare a thought for the poor guy standing behind him.
20:58MUSIC
21:04He's gone grey during this performance.
21:08Also, he said, on Wednesday, I think it was,
21:11in front of a roomful of women, an audience of women,
21:13he said, I am the father of IVF.
21:16What?!
21:17Which nobody quite knows what he meant by that.
21:19Oh!
21:20He literally said this week, political opponents of his
21:23should be dealt with by the military.
21:26Yes.
21:27And their opponents including Democrats.
21:29That's the other party.
21:30Yes.
21:31All opposition, come the election, should be locked up.
21:34Yes.
21:35And everyone goes, oh, Donald, you're so funny.
21:40He told his supporters the other day that they should all come out
21:43and vote on January 5th.
21:44Yeah.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:46Which would be a good idea, because that's two months after...
21:48LAUGHTER
21:49..the actual date.
21:51This week, Donald Trump also gave an explanation
21:54for his rambling style of speaking.
21:57Have a look at this.
21:58You know, I do a thing called a weave.
22:00And there are those that are fair that say,
22:03this guy is so genius.
22:06And then others would say, oh, he rambled.
22:08I don't ramble.
22:09If I start a story, what you do is you weave things and you do it.
22:12LAUGHTER
22:15Wow, a weave.
22:16I thought that was what he was wearing.
22:18LAUGHTER
22:19Sometimes when Trump goes on a weave,
22:22I think he gives away a little bit too much information.
22:25Have a look at this.
22:26I did three of them today.
22:28I did a little one, a little tiny one with a small group,
22:30and then I did a really big one.
22:32I did a big one.
22:34And I did this one.
22:36And I'm still raring to go.
22:38LAUGHTER
22:39Look at the faces of the people standing behind him.
22:42They're in some sort of coma.
22:44Despite all of this, Trump does appear to be making gains
22:47in the polls.
22:48What controversy has Kamala Harris found herself in this week?
22:52It's about a speech of hers containing material
22:54from Martin Luther King.
22:56It was about a toddler saying,
22:58what would you like most, and she says, freedom.
23:01And it was the same anecdote.
23:02Exactly right. She'd been accused of plagiarising.
23:04Oh, dear. She remembered an incident...
23:07..which other people have remembered...
23:09..before.
23:12Is that her version of I Have A Dream? Yeah.
23:13I remembered an incident.
23:15LAUGHTER
23:17Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it?
23:19In other international news, what is the US government's
23:23latest declaration regarding the conflict in the Middle East?
23:25It's finally said, can you stop doing this to Israel?
23:29And it's been saying it half-heartedly for about a year.
23:33Yeah. And saying, you've got to stop that now
23:35or we'll do absolutely nothing.
23:38And this time, they've said, we're going to stop arms coming in
23:42unless you allow aid into Gaza.
23:44And amazingly, that night, 100 trucks rolled...
23:47Mm. ..straight into northern Gaza.
23:50So the Americans could do something, but they haven't.
23:52Now, OK, there's obviously been a lot of activity going on
23:55at the UN surrounding the Middle East crisis. Yes.
23:57But did you see the president of Haiti
24:00making a speech there recently?
24:01No. Period. OK.
24:05Respect.
24:08LAUGHTER
24:11Maybe he's very small. We don't know.
24:13LAUGHTER
24:16This is the news that, with just a few weeks to go
24:18till the US election, Donald Trump has turned to dance
24:21to get his message across.
24:22Presumably, thanks to his new campaign manager,
24:25Giovanni from Strictly.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:32APPLAUSE
24:38OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
24:44Oh, yes, the press have concocted a scandalous idea
24:48that a German man should not be managing the English football team,
24:52although nobody made a fuss when a Dutch woman managed
24:54the women's European team that won.
24:56So Thomas Tuchel has been made manager of the England football team
24:59and some people are very angry about it because he's German.
25:02But those same people don't seem to have any problem
25:05with the ancestry of our royal family, do they?
25:08I mean, quite, yes.
25:10You're right, the reaction to this hasn't exactly been warm.
25:13When you say some people, who do you mean?
25:15I mean... Oh, obviously us football fans are pretty committed, then.
25:19I mean, Phil and I have talked about very little else.
25:22LAUGHTER
25:26The only story I saw about this was Nigel Farage said it was a disgrace.
25:31So I knew where I stood.
25:32LAUGHTER
25:36Nigel Farage's wife is German.
25:38His wife is German, coming over here, stealing our reform leaders.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:46Specifically, Sam Wallace at The Telegraph, he's got very strong views.
25:49Here is an article that he wrote before Tuchel's appointment.
25:52Could the FA really shoot for the stars and go for Pep Guardiola
25:55as England manager?
25:56And then, when Tuchel was appointed three days later, he wrote this.
26:00Appointment of foreign manager goes against everything
26:03the FA football exists for.
26:05How have the Germans reacted? Anyone know?
26:07They're sort of pleased.
26:09Well, German newspaper Bild said...
26:12..the motherland of football is getting German dad.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:17The FA said that the appointment of Thomas Tuchel as England manager
26:21sent out a very clear signal that Pep Guardiola wasn't interested.
26:25Yeah.
26:26Of course, for many England fans, look, harping on about the Second World War
26:30is old hat, as this tweet here proved.
26:34Tuchel, you're the one. Churchill bombed your mum.
26:36Football's coming home again.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:40Don't want to be a pedant, but it would be grandmother, wouldn't it?
26:43It would be grandmother, yes, absolutely.
26:45Churchill didn't actually bomb anybody. No.
26:47He was at home at the 10 Downing Street where he needed to be.
26:49He wasn't flying Lancasters across Germany. No.
26:51No, that would have been a strategic error.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:56Some other German news this week. German news, yeah, great German news.
26:59Do you know what upset opera-goers in Stuttgart?
27:02It's a crazy opera. Mm-hm. It's a very controversial opera.
27:05It is. It's sexy and weird. Oh, it is.
27:08People watching Sancta, this is at the Stuttgart Opera House,
27:11and they were treated to a performance including...
27:14..copious amounts of blood, live piercing, excrement,
27:17unsimulated sexual intercourse and naked nuns on roller skates.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23Were the roller skates necessary?
27:25Being spanked by Jesus!
27:27Wow.
27:28Would you like to see what this looked like?
27:30I think we have to. I think we do, too.
27:33CHOIR SINGS
27:38LAUGHTER
27:40Why has that woman got a barcode on her upper thigh?
27:43LAUGHTER
27:44What is unsimulated sexual intercourse?
27:48They want to promise you this is real.
27:50Yeah. This is real.
27:51Eight shows a week.
27:52LAUGHTER
27:54APPLAUSE
27:58WHOOP! WHOOP!
27:59APPLAUSE
28:02I'd go on the Monday matinee if I were you.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:13Do you know what qualities the show's choreographer
28:15was looking for in a dancer?
28:16LAUGHTER
28:18Stamina.
28:20Choreographer Florentina Hultzinger told The Guardian...
28:28Oh! That would ruin a snooker.
28:31LAUGHTER
28:35This is the news that the England men's football team
28:38now has a German manager.
28:40The new manager of England has described himself,
28:43amongst other things, as a German vegetarian.
28:46That's good. When was the last time a German vegetarian
28:48caused us any problems?
28:49LAUGHTER
28:52OK, time now for the Odd One Out round.
28:54Paul and Carol, your four are...
28:57Yes.
28:58..a Qantas flight from Sydney to Tokyo,
29:00Malcolm Kenyatta, the number plate T025POT
29:04and Judi Dench's parrot.
29:05BUZZER
29:06The number plate T025POT could be regarded as tosspot.
29:10Mm-hm. Yeah.
29:11I would guess that Judi Dench's parrot probably swears.
29:15And on the flight, the Sydney to Tokyo flight,
29:19this was where they accidentally showed a rude movie.
29:23It was A Night At The Opera, apparently.
29:25LAUGHTER
29:26Kenyatta, what's his first name?
29:28He's called Malcolm.
29:29He was on Question Time. Was he?
29:31And he got some English slang wrong.
29:33They've all been rude, apart from him.
29:35Ian is basically right here.
29:36So, it's that they have all been unexpectedly rude...
29:39Yes. ..apart from Democrat Malcolm Kenyatta,
29:42who tried to be rude and failed.
29:44Oh, right.
29:45So, he was appearing on a US election special of Question Time,
29:48during which an audience member said the word bollocks.
29:52And trying to get in on the joke, Malcolm had a go,
29:54but he didn't quite get it right.
29:57So, this idea that we have not unleashed American energy
30:00is, to use the word twice on Question Time, bollocks.
30:04It's bollocks.
30:05Oh, my God! OK!
30:07Take me to the next show.
30:10He's made a bit of a content of himself there, hasn't he?
30:13LAUGHTER
30:14Dickie!
30:15LAUGHTER
30:20Please continue.
30:21Yeah.
30:23Professor.
30:24LAUGHTER
30:26Vowel, please, Hannah.
30:27Yeah. Yes, yeah.
30:30That's right.
30:31What does the parrot say?
30:32The parrot's, er...
30:33Well, anyone want to guess?
30:35Well, the Yorick skull must indicate that the parrot
30:38sort of misrepresents Shakespearean speeches
30:40by putting rude words into them.
30:42Mm.
30:43It's a bit simpler than that.
30:44Jane Doody revealed this week that her parrot once turned
30:47to her carer, Barbara, during home visit and said,
30:49you're a slag.
30:50LAUGHTER
30:56I was going to do a Polyonius joke from Hamlet.
30:59Thank you very much.
31:00LAUGHTER
31:03Why are you thanking him for that stunned silence?
31:06LAUGHTER
31:07It was appreciation, I felt.
31:09Oh, I see, yeah.
31:10Why has the number plate TO25POT been banned?
31:14Tosspot.
31:15This is one of 250 number plates that are deemed too rude
31:18for the road behind the TV lane.
31:20Oh, what's... Seriously?
31:21Yeah.
31:22If you're driving behind a car and it's a red light,
31:24and you're driving behind a car and it's got TO25POT,
31:26are you so triggered by that?
31:28I mean, it's just nonsense, isn't it?
31:30Tosspot.
31:31Oh, well, I'm only making a point.
31:32LAUGHTER
31:35I'm sorry that I didn't do maths.
31:37APPLAUSE
31:40All right, how did the passengers on that Qantas flight
31:43from Sydney to Tokyo get more than they bargained for?
31:45They watched the... They saw a dirty film.
31:47They did.
31:48Do you know the story?
31:49There's not much of a plot, to be honest.
31:51LAUGHTER
31:55Pizza delivery man knocks at the door.
31:58So, the in-flight entertainment was broken on this plane,
32:01so passengers had to vote for a film to be shown
32:04on every screen on the plane.
32:06And according to The Guardian, the majority chose
32:09the sexually explicit, 18-rated Daddio.
32:13Which one passenger described as 40 minutes of penis and boobs.
32:19A passenger complained online that it was impossible
32:22to pause or turn it off.
32:26Or, indeed, close your eyes.
32:30But after nearly an hour, the crew stopped the film
32:32and replaced it with a family-friendly alternative,
32:35Fisting Nemo.
32:38And finally, how has a candle in America been causing offence?
32:42Penis-shaped candle, presumably.
32:44I'll be honest with you, you can keep on guessing,
32:46you're not going to get it. OK.
32:47It's a winter candle from Bath & Body Works
32:49with a snowflake design on it, has been criticised
32:52for looking more like several members of the Ku Klux Klan.
32:55I haven't read the book.
32:56AUDIENCE GROANS
33:00Well, I would have gone with aliens there, wouldn't you?
33:03Well, yeah, but when you see Ku Klux Klan,
33:04you can't unsee it, can you?
33:07They have all been unexpectedly rude, apart from Pennsylvania
33:10State Representative Malcolm Kenyatta,
33:12who tried to be rude and failed.
33:14An obscene film was accidentally shown to every passenger
33:18on a Qantas Airlines flight.
33:20According to The Guardian, one traveller said...
33:26Obviously, they've never flown Ryanair from Luton to Magaluf.
33:33The obscene film caused problems when the plane came to land
33:36and the stewardesses asked everyone to put their tables
33:39to an upright position.
33:41To which most of the male passengers said,
33:43I can't just now, give me five minutes.
33:46Ian and Phil, your four are...
33:50..Philippino gold medallist Carlos Yulo and the city of Troy.
33:54The Trojan horse. It was a gift.
33:56But that's not a wooden horse. Oh, accepting gifts.
33:59Oh, yes, this is the big horse-gate scandal in Troy.
34:06When King Priam was found guilty of taking a free horse.
34:10He didn't declare the horse. He didn't declare it.
34:12Not at all.
34:13Taking gifts gets you in trouble.
34:15Well, not gets you in trouble, it's more...
34:18It means you lose the war.
34:20I think the odd one out is the man bottom left,
34:23because he was offered a free pair of binoculars but turned it down.
34:27They have all been given unusual gifts, apart from King Charles,
34:31who failed to disclose what gifts he's been given
34:33for the last four years.
34:35Scandal, Ian. Scandal, no, absolutely.
34:38And there are people who care about this deeply, apparently.
34:41There is no shortage of financial skullduggery at the palace,
34:44involving the Saudis and the Qataris.
34:46And last month, it was revealed that Michael Wynne Parker,
34:49a charity trustee for the King's Foundation,
34:51was embroiled in a cash-for-honours scandal.
34:54Certainly not the first time. No.
34:56What is one gift that the King won't be receiving any more?
34:59Happy birthday card from his parents.
35:06Unless you know different.
35:10Happy birthday card from one of his children.
35:12LAUGHTER
35:15Oh, you didn't groan at that!
35:19Well, apparently, it's a tradition that whenever the monarch
35:21visits Jersey, they're usually presented with two dead ducks.
35:25On a recent trip, Charles and Camilla were given duck eggs instead.
35:29Well, for future dead ducks.
35:31In other royal news, who can't wait to get rid of the royals?
35:35Australia. Australia, exactly.
35:37There's an anti-monarchy campaign group,
35:39the Australian Republic Movement,
35:41who plan on protesting against the state visit of the King and Queen
35:44this week with banners, posters and T-shirts
35:47that depicts the royals as ageing rockers.
35:50Here they are.
35:51They look younger than the Rolling Stones.
35:53LAUGHTER
35:56What surprising gift did Troy receive?
35:58The wooden horse, obviously.
36:00It was the wooden horse.
36:01Stuffed full, of course, of the Greeks' best warriors. Yeah.
36:05Among the soldiers that were smuggled into Troy,
36:07inside the horse, were Antimachus, Diomedes,
36:12Leontius and Polypeutes,
36:15which, incidentally, is the name of Jacob Rees-Mogg's children.
36:18LAUGHTER
36:21Do you know what Joanna Lumley gave the Dalai Lama?
36:25A knight to remember.
36:27LAUGHTER
36:28It was actually a drone.
36:30Dame Joanna Lumley recently gave a drone to the Dalai Lama.
36:34A drone being quite appropriate,
36:35because she doesn't half-bang on about the Gurkhas.
36:38LAUGHTER
36:41OK, Jimnaz Carlos Yulo became the first male Filipino
36:45to win an Olympic gold medal at the Paris Olympics.
36:47How did the government reward him?
36:49They gave him a house. They did. Yeah.
36:52And 16 million pesos.
36:54Is that a lot? I think it is.
36:56LAUGHTER
37:00There were businesses across the Philippines
37:02who gave him a hero's welcome by gifting him all sorts of stuff.
37:05Here is the list.
37:06We've got...
37:08A, fully equipped...
37:09We've got...
37:11A, fully furnished two-bedroom condo.
37:13100,000 pesos, which is £13,000 in pre-furniture.
37:16You can calculate the rest from there. Yeah.
37:18An iPhone 16. Ooh!
37:20A lifetime supply of macaroni cheese.
37:24A lifetime supply of ramen.
37:26A lifetime supply of cookies from a place called Cookies By The Bucket.
37:30A lifetime supply of colonoscopies and consultations.
37:33LAUGHTER
37:35After all of that, he's going to come in happy.
37:37LAUGHTER
37:40Well, they have all been given unusual gifts,
37:42apart from King Charles, who has failed to disclose
37:45what gifts he's been given for the last four years.
37:47Anti-monarchist groups are furious, with one arguing that...
37:56Like Australia, for example.
37:59Joanna Lumley revealed that the Dalai Lama is...
38:01..fascinated by machinery and is...
38:03..always taking radios apart.
38:06Me too. Especially when Vernon Kay is on.
38:08LAUGHTER
38:10I don't know who he is. Yeah.
38:12LAUGHTER
38:13What does he present?
38:15Oh, he's got a Radio 2 show called Vernon Kay.
38:18Oh, right.
38:19They hunted far and wide to find somebody
38:22that would fit the title of the programme.
38:24LAUGHTER
38:27They found a woman called Kay Vernon, but it was closed.
38:31Time now for the Missing Words round,
38:33which this week features as its guest publication,
38:36The Ringing World, the weekly magazine for church bell ringers.
38:39And we start with...
38:45With a wife.
38:47LAUGHTER
38:50No, this is Elton John's shocked red carpet by turning up
38:53in a necklace made of his own kneecap.
38:55Oh. What?!
38:58Here he is.
38:59I'm still standing.
39:00LAUGHTER
39:02APPLAUSE
39:04Oh, God.
39:06LAUGHTER
39:08APPLAUSE
39:10Next, shock after what caught speeding in Germany?
39:14Joseph Goebbels.
39:15LAUGHTER
39:18Skating nun. You weren't expecting that in a topical newsprint.
39:21Is it Eamon Holmes?
39:23Roller skating nun.
39:24Roller skating nun.
39:26It is shock after Cookie Monster caught speeding in Germany.
39:30The Cookie Monster was spotted speeding in Dortmund, Germany.
39:33Here he is.
39:34That's him.
39:35LAUGHTER
39:42That's a CCTV shot there from a camera, presumably,
39:44on Sesame Strasse.
39:46LAUGHTER
39:48Next, the measure of a successful AGM for the Central Council
39:52of Church Bell Ringers is what?
39:54Having enough cocaine to go around.
39:56LAUGHTER
39:59Surviving the winter? I don't know.
40:01LAUGHTER
40:03The measure of a successful AGM for the Central Council
40:05of Church Bell Ringers is if it's over quickly.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:11One motion to extend the length of term for stewards from six
40:14to nine years, passed with a clear majority.
40:17I've got to use the technical term.
40:18We've got a ringing in Telstermann.
40:20Excellent. Next, boy in Essex what,
40:23with 340 Yorkshire puddings?
40:25Breaks the terms of Toby Carvery's all-you-can-eat policy.
40:28LAUGHTER
40:33It's boy in Essex makes Halloween costume
40:36with 340 Yorkshire puddings.
40:38Have you got a picture of it? We absolutely do. Here it is.
40:41LAUGHTER
40:43I see his eye poking out there.
40:44Yes.
40:46Next, you can behold what in over 1,400 churches across the world?
40:51Quasimodo tribute bands.
40:53LAUGHTER
40:55It's actually, you can behold Big Wolf's bell muffles in over 1,400 churches across the world.
41:02LAUGHTER
41:04That's a hard sentence to say, isn't it? It is. It certainly was.
41:08I'm surprised we didn't get that.
41:09Yeah, I've been friendly with Big Wolf for a long time.
41:13This is an advert from The Ringing World.
41:16According to Big Wolf's advert, they are...
41:22The reef laying at the Cenotaph this year will again be a solemn occasion,
41:26as we are reminded that, yes, Liz Truss was once Prime Minister.
41:29LAUGHTER
41:30Lastly, Queen Camilla thinks what is dreadfully common?
41:35Chars.
41:36LAUGHTER
41:40It's using a fish knife is dreadfully common.
41:43Applying make-up in public is also frowned upon.
41:46According to one etiquette expert, grooming is a private thing
41:50until you get caught and end up on a desert island on Channel 5.
41:53LAUGHTER
41:56I notice you chose the ITV presenter rather than the BBC one.
42:00Mm.
42:02Yes.
42:04A plethora of people to choose from altogether, isn't it?
42:07There are. We could have gone any number of ways.
42:10Yeah. Hugh knows.
42:11LAUGHTER
42:15Have I got Hughes for you?
42:16LAUGHTER
42:19So, the final scores are...
42:22Ian and Phil have five, and Paul and Carol have five.
42:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:28Oh, my God.
42:30It's good to survive.
42:32But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
42:38Tory members, debate the way forward.
42:40LAUGHTER
42:42I suspect that we have a member of the White Moustache Club
42:45who should not be a member.
42:46LAUGHTER
42:50In the run-up to their comeback tour,
42:52Zempick has surprise effects for the Sugar Babes.
42:55LAUGHTER
42:59On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
43:02Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Carol Vorderman.
43:06And I leave you with news that, on a delayed flight to Rome,
43:09there is polite applause for one passenger's rendition
43:12of Britney Spears's Oops! I Did It Again.
43:14LAUGHTER
43:17As he scans the arrivals at a G8 summit in Washington,
43:21Joe Biden mutters,
43:22I hope that really boring guy from the UK isn't going to be here.
43:26LAUGHTER
43:28And in Devon, one farmer reveals his unusual method
43:32for cawing a pumpkin.
43:33LAUGHTER
43:35Goodnight.
43:37APPLAUSE
43:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE