Have I Got News For You series 68 episode 2
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00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:38Good evening.
00:39Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:41I'm Amol Raj, and in the news this week,
00:43Keir Starmer tries to explain to anyone who will listen,
00:45although it technically is Lord Ali's car,
00:48he is allowed exclusive use of it on weekdays.
00:52LAUGHTER
01:00In Weybridge, Eamon Holmes' new girlfriend regrets
01:03trying to use his custom-made bidet.
01:05WHEEZING
01:12And in Kingston-upon-Thames,
01:14Ed Davey arrives at the funeral of a much-loved constituent.
01:26He's wearing black, it's respectful.
01:29On Ian's team tonight, a former Conservative MP and Brexiteer
01:32who is a member of the organisation Leave Means Leave,
01:36which is exactly what her constituents told her
01:38at the last election.
01:40Please welcome Dame Andrea Jenkins.
01:42APPLAUSE
01:48And on Paul's team tonight is an actor and comedian
01:51whose latest show was called On I Bang,
01:53which was, coincidentally, the working title
01:55for Boris Johnson's memoir.
01:57Please welcome Miles Jupp.
01:59APPLAUSE
02:04We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:07Ian and Andrea, take a look at this.
02:10Right, that's Keir Starmer, isn't it?
02:12That's Sue Gray, she's gone.
02:14Ah, this is it, 100 days Keir Starmer's been Prime Minister,
02:18which is two and a half Liz trusses.
02:22How would you rate Starmer's first 100 days, Ian? A success?
02:26Well, he's still Prime Minister.
02:28And in recent terms, that's pretty good going.
02:32What might have hastened Sue Gray's departure?
02:35Free passes at Number 10?
02:37Was she caught snorting coke off a lilo?
02:41No. I don't think she was,
02:42just for the benefit of the lawyer that's listening.
02:45I don't think that's true at all.
02:47According to The Times, Gray showed...
02:49..dealing with the press and shocked colleagues
02:52by referring to scumbag journalists.
02:54Good to see Private Eye's still being read in Number 10.
02:58Why might Sue Gray not be too upset to be going?
03:02She's been given another job.
03:04Mmm...
03:05Not necessarily. She has, though.
03:07Was that a plane landing, then? What was that?
03:11Well, one unnamed Tory told the Daily Mail...
03:14..it feels as if she's fleeing a sinking ship.
03:17Another accusation from Sue Gray's allies was that Number 10
03:20was too much like a boys' club.
03:22Were the Tories ever a boys' club?
03:24No, I don't think so. No, Boris and Co, no.
03:28Some of them really loved women, didn't they?
03:34Andrea, were you surprised by how many of your colleagues
03:37jumped before they were pushed at the last election?
03:39Um, no. No, I wasn't, really.
03:42At least you stuck around to face the music
03:43and you lost your seat at the election.
03:45No, I mean, I believe in going down with the sinking ship, so...
03:47Really? Absolutely.
03:49And you know you took your seat off Ed Balls?
03:51That means you're responsible for this.
03:53MUSIC PLAYS
03:55LAUGHTER
03:59If that had happened in a public park, he would have been arrested.
04:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
04:08Maybe he's rehearsing for a Taylor Swift concert
04:10because his wife got some tickets, didn't she?
04:12Oh, she did indeed. Yeah. That is exactly right.
04:15According to The Sun, Sadiq Khan and Yvette Cooper put pressure
04:17on the Met Police to boost security for Taylor Swift
04:20at her London concert, which was attended by Sadiq Khan
04:23and Yvette Cooper. Yeah.
04:25Both have denied there is any link between the two things,
04:28which means that there was.
04:29LAUGHTER
04:31Did you get free tickets, though, Ian?
04:33I didn't get free tickets, no.
04:35Did you have to pay for yours, Ian?
04:38I was up all night on nine. It's a hell of a business.
04:41Yeah, yeah. But worth it to get down the mosh pit.
04:43Yeah, exactly.
04:45Is there a mosh pit?
04:47I'm out of my depth as well.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:52What big change did Rachel Reeves make?
04:55She turned ginger.
04:56I'm not sure it's ginger.
04:58Sort of ore burn, I'd say.
05:00It's autumnal. It's autumnal.
05:02I think she's reflecting a change of the seasons.
05:06Will it go white for Christmas and then sort of...
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10..daffodil yellow in spring sort of thing? Yeah.
05:12Yeah, I think that's nice.
05:14What's she going to do for Mikkelbos?
05:15LAUGHTER
05:17That's the question on everybody's lips.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:21What has Rachel Reeves stepped back from?
05:23Zumba. No.
05:25You're more into the fiscal terms.
05:27Pensions. Yes.
05:28Yeah, she's either for or against it, but...
05:31LAUGHTER
05:32..but strongly. Yeah.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:36Almost.
05:37She's decided not to raise tax on pension contributions
05:40in the upcoming Budget of Doom, but she did warn...
05:45So she's planning a whip round, if you're interested.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50Good and bad news for Labour this week.
05:51Other good news, but other bad news for them?
05:53Anything that's gone well, anything that's gone particularly badly
05:55that you can think of?
05:56Not much gone well.
05:58Well, I can tell you, they are actually still ahead
06:01of the Tories in the polls.
06:03What, four years away from a general election?
06:06Hamill, you're on fire tonight.
06:08I know, I know.
06:09Well, my political analysis is why they brought me in.
06:12Shall we have a look at the latest Keir Starmer popularity charts?
06:15Mm.
06:16Here we go. Check this out.
06:17MUSIC PLAYS
06:28Blimey!
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37Oh, wow.
06:39Oh, wow.
06:42I mean, there's a lot of red on that chart, isn't there?
06:45Bit tough on Rishi Sunak.
06:47At least he...he went.
06:50What else has the government washed its hands of this week?
06:53The Chagos Islands.
06:54Yes. Why do they do that, Ian?
06:56Because over the last 30 years, the Chagos Islanders
06:59have been campaigning to be returned to their country,
07:01which Britain threw them off in terms of making a military base.
07:05But it's a final deal that's been done between us and Mauritius,
07:09and it's finally happened.
07:11I mean, I was there, actually, at the protest this morning.
07:14Were you? Yes, with the Chagossians.
07:16And what was your view?
07:18It was the previous Labour government,
07:20which worked with the US, wasn't it, to remove them from the islands.
07:24And they said, Starmer, you're a human rights lawyer
07:27and you've done it again.
07:28You know, you've... We just want to...
07:30You've done the right thing. No.
07:32Because the Tories tried to blame this on Starmer,
07:35and then he pointed out that the person who'd set the process going
07:39this time was James Cleverley.
07:41But it's out of the contest, maybe, that's why.
07:43Yeah, but Cleverley then said, no, it wasn't me, it was Liz Truss.
07:47Because she was Foreign Secretary.
07:48You can't believe any of this, can you?
07:50And Liz Truss's supporters said, it wasn't Liz, it was Boris,
07:54because, God, he was Foreign Secretary!
07:56LAUGHTER
07:59I mean, you wonder why this country gets in a bit of a mess.
08:04What would you have done with the islands, then?
08:06Me? I'd have given them back to them early on.
08:08If you read early Private Eyes, we did take up this cause.
08:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:18Did you release a charity single, Ian?
08:20LAUGHTER
08:23We did. It was called Chagoss and Dave.
08:26It was sort of...
08:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
08:31Yes.
08:32You're quite right to say someone else is not happy
08:34about the decision this week.
08:35That was James Cleverley.
08:37Not been a great week for James Cleverley.
08:39What has he lost?
08:41He came third in a two-horse race.
08:44LAUGHTER
08:48That's exactly right.
08:49Pip Acrera in The Guardian reports that Cleverley was so confident
08:52about getting into the final, he tried to give some of his votes
08:55to Robert Jenrick to help knock out Kemi Baidnok,
08:57but it backfired when his team got the maths wrong.
09:00So, in the end, some MPs who should have voted Cleverley
09:02voted stupidly.
09:04LAUGHTER
09:05But it comes after this quite extraordinary rallying cry.
09:08Do you remember this from last week?
09:10Let's be more normal.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:14To which the Tory party said, no, thanks.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:18So, we are down now to Robert Jenrick and Kemi Baidnok.
09:21Let's ask someone who really, really understands the Tory party.
09:25Paul, who's your money on?
09:26LAUGHTER
09:29Do you know what I imagined you just said to me?
09:31LAUGHTER
09:33Is the answer...
09:34..Newport Pagnol?
09:35LAUGHTER
09:39What was the point of asking me that?
09:41I've not seen this show over the last 35 years.
09:44I'm waiting for the story that comes up with the monkey
09:46playing the harmonium.
09:48That's when I come alive.
09:51All this stuff, you're wasting your time with this.
09:53Well, then, what's the first ten minutes of this show?
09:55LAUGHTER
09:57I'll turn the sound down and play Boney M.
09:59LAUGHTER
10:01Which one? Is it Rah-Rah Rasputin?
10:03LAUGHTER
10:05A bit too political for me, that one, here.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:09APPLAUSE
10:14What do you think happened?
10:16I mean, I think, seriously, he got lent votes
10:20and they wanted Bobby J, Kemi B in the final anyway.
10:23Would you have voted for either of them,
10:25had you still been able to have a vote, which you can't?
10:27I'm not backing... No.
10:29I'm actually not backing any of them.
10:31Really? I mean, you're on the right of the party.
10:33You must be thrilled, mustn't you?
10:35Yeah, but, I mean... Good, that's all I need.
10:37LAUGHTER
10:39No, if you look at the voting record,
10:41they're more One Nation-y to me anyway.
10:43What, those two? God, you are right wing, aren't you?
10:47One Tory MP told The Times...
10:55..adding that...
11:00He was actually at Boris' book launch the night before, as well, wasn't he?
11:03Who was, Grant Shapps? No, Cleverley, yeah.
11:05He was at Boris' book launch rather than being on the phone to MPs.
11:08Is that where it all went wrong for him, do you think?
11:10Because he was seeking Boris'... Well, loads of MPs was there
11:12at the book launch, you see, so...
11:14Ah, and they just miscalculated.
11:16Did it go well, the book launch? Oh, it was amazing.
11:18He was on fire, Boris, yeah. Were you there?
11:20Mm. Blimey, and you admitted that publicly.
11:22I was getting my book signed, yeah. You were getting your book signed.
11:24What did he write?
11:25This is fiction.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:29No, I'm just testing.
11:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:33Ian, you're in there. You should be getting royalties.
11:36Yeah, I'm in the book. He accuses me of being a liar,
11:38which is pretty funny.
11:40LAUGHTER
11:42I have to disagree there. So, you think I am a liar?
11:44Go on. No, I think you're lovely.
11:46Do you know, behind... A lovely liar?
11:48No. You know, backstage, he's a different person.
11:51Yeah. Yeah. He was very supportive.
11:53No, that is libelous.
11:55LAUGHTER
11:58Shall we have a look at him talking about his book
12:00with a useful sort of promotional thing?
12:02Let's talk about it. Let's do it. See what you think about it.
12:04I'm sorry, but you have no editorial input on this show.
12:07LAUGHTER
12:09This is Mr Johnson talking to Radio 5 Live's Matt Chorley.
12:13Oh, yeah. Lots of people think you're a liar.
12:15Well... Are you a liar?
12:17No, and I think that, you know, whether it's the...
12:24LAUGHTER
12:26..the bus, which, in fact, was the bus of truth...
12:29This is the 350,000... 350 million.
12:31350 million. You admit in your book that that was wrong.
12:34No, I don't. I say that it was, in fact, an underestimate
12:37because it was going to probably rise to...
12:39No, you say in the book that the real figure...
12:42I know, I know, it's much lower.
12:44No, sorry, I'm not going to have all this rubbish.
12:46I've read your book.
12:48Well, then reflect... And you say...
12:50..it was more like 170 million.
12:52Reflect properly. No.
12:54LAUGHTER
12:56It is extraordinary. You can literally just quote at him
12:58what he's just said, and he says,
13:00no, I didn't say that.
13:02He's also been critical of Labour's donor issues,
13:05but how did he defend his own spending as Prime Minister?
13:07I spaffed it all up the wall and I'm proud of it.
13:11Not nearly.
13:13So he was defending his £200,000 refurbishment
13:16of the Number 10 flat,
13:18and Boris Johnson said Downing Street was...
13:21..like a crack den when I arrived.
13:24Shall we have a look at the cracking question?
13:32He did say the only thing he regretted was apologising
13:35over his behaviour in Covid.
13:38So when he said, I'm sorry, according to him, he was lying.
13:43That's it. That's the top headline in the book.
13:45I lied when I apologised for my behaviour during Covid.
13:49I shouldn't have apologised.
13:51No matter how many committees, no matter how much evidence,
13:54I should have just lied again.
13:56Have you read the book?
13:58Don't worry, he hasn't either.
14:00I've read one chapter, actually.
14:02APPLAUSE
14:05Finally, for a Boris bonus point,
14:07I'm going to show you him responding to a question,
14:10and what I want you to do is to guess the question
14:13that he was asked that elicited this answer.
14:15OK.
14:17I...
14:21Can you remember the occasion when your third child was conceived?
14:30It is, in fact, the correct answer.
14:33Let's have a look at the question.
14:35This is from ITV's Tom Bradby.
14:37Who would you like to see as leader of the Tory party?
14:43Which name is he trying to say there?
14:46He'll come back, won't he?
14:48I don't think it's over for him, no.
14:50You don't think it's over?
14:52I still think Boris was one of our better Prime Ministers.
14:56I see you've selected the audience, you know.
14:59The people who don't like Boris are all Conservatives.
15:02You can't just say you've selected the audience.
15:05You've got no evidence for that, no proof.
15:07It's just bollocks. This isn't GB News.
15:09APPLAUSE
15:15Hang on, isn't this GB News? I thought I was on GB News.
15:18LAUGHTER
15:21We're in the wrong place altogether.
15:23Anyway, right, it has been another week...
15:25No, don't go!
15:27LAUGHTER
15:29Sorry, that was a bit late, wasn't it?
15:31Yes, this is Labour's first 100 days in power.
15:34For all the upheaval, a Downing Street insider insisted
15:37that when it comes to delivery, the Prime Minister is laser-focused.
15:41That's pretty good because he can give back
15:43all those glasses that he got for free.
15:45LAUGHTER
15:46This week, the government handed the Chagos Islands
15:49over to Mauritius.
15:50I'm not saying that most of us hadn't heard of them,
15:53but when Keir Starmer was asked about the future of Diego Garcia,
15:57he did say he thought Arsenal could build a whole team around him.
16:00LAUGHTER
16:01Also this week, voting took place in the Tory leadership race,
16:05according to The Times.
16:06Ahead of the vote, front-runner James cleverly wore
16:09his lucky red socks.
16:12And they really work because now he doesn't have to be Tory leader.
16:15LAUGHTER
16:16Paul and Miles have a look at this.
16:19There it is.
16:20The Great Puppet. Yes, there's the Great Puppet.
16:22Donald T. Rump.
16:23There is Kamala Harris.
16:25Oh.
16:26Elon Musk.
16:27Why is it the richest people in the world are also the weirdest?
16:30There's the Puppet Master.
16:31Yes.
16:32Bob Woodward's got a new book out,
16:34one of the original Watergate journalists,
16:36and it says that apparently Donald Trump sent Putin
16:40something called a Covid machine.
16:42I'm not sure what a Covid machine is.
16:44Oh, it's that great machine they had in the lab
16:46that made that virus, do you remember?
16:48Oh, yes.
16:49Yeah, it was really...
16:50People were a bit iffy about it.
16:51Yeah.
16:52Scientifically, a real breakthrough.
16:54Yeah, it did what it was designed to do.
16:56Do you remember those Covid tests?
16:57They were just like a little...
16:58The lateral flow ones.
16:59Yeah.
17:00What do you think a Covid test is?
17:01I absolutely loved them.
17:02Yeah.
17:03You could get them in different flavours, couldn't you?
17:05Yeah, yeah.
17:06I've stopped using cotton buds altogether.
17:08Yeah.
17:11Well, Trump sent some of these machines to Putin,
17:14and what did Putin allegedly say to Trump about the gift?
17:18Oh, yes, he said,
17:19don't tell anybody that you've given them to me.
17:21That's quite sweet, isn't it?
17:22He said, I don't want you to tell anyone
17:24because people will get mad at you, not me.
17:26How many times have they spoken since, Trump and Putin?
17:29I'd say seven times.
17:30That's exactly right.
17:31Yeah, that's why I said it.
17:33I wouldn't waste your time with hypothetical guesses.
17:38What is Donald Trump's solution to the conflict in the Middle East,
17:41which is teetering currently on the brink
17:43of an all-out war and conflagration?
17:45He'd sort it in a day, wouldn't he?
17:47How would he do that?
17:48He'd ring Netanyahu, who's a friend of his...
17:51Yeah.
17:52..and say, sort it out.
17:53Sort of, yeah.
17:54He said at a campaign rally recently,
17:56Israel should hit the nuclear first and worry about the rest later.
18:01Donald, what do you mean, later?
18:04This is all ahead of the American election,
18:06which is less than a month away,
18:08and Kamala Harris, the Democrat candidate,
18:10has been accused by critics of not doing interviews
18:13in her campaign.
18:14What's she actually been doing?
18:16Interviews.
18:17A lot of interviews, yes.
18:18You might recall that she boasted to Oprah
18:20about shooting a home intruder.
18:22Yes.
18:23What sort of gun has Kamala Harris got?
18:26A Glock.
18:27An Uzi.
18:29She strikes me as an Uzi.
18:30Smith & Wesson.
18:31It is a Glock.
18:32How do you know so much about guns?
18:34Listen, I can't talk about my days at five.
18:39So, let's keep this side of the river.
18:41Yeah.
18:42It is indeed.
18:43Yeah.
18:44And what special power do the Democrats have,
18:47according to Marjorie, Jewish space lasers, Taylor Greene?
18:52Oh, yeah, they can create hurricanes.
18:54They can manipulate the weather.
18:56Taylor Greene said of the Democrats,
18:58yes, they can control the weather.
19:00It's ridiculous for anyone to lie and say it can't be done.
19:04Now I see it written down.
19:05Yeah.
19:06LAUGHTER
19:07It's ridiculous for anyone to lie and say it can't be done.
19:10Now I see it written down.
19:11Yeah.
19:13Wow.
19:14Legend of authority, isn't it?
19:16Donald Trump must be getting pretty tired
19:18of saying pretty outrageous things himself,
19:20because what has he done to lighten the burden on himself?
19:23Oh, he's brought on Elon Musk.
19:24Donald Trump had another rally at the place
19:26where the guy shot his ear,
19:27and Elon Musk came on as a special guest
19:29and jumped up in the air and behaved very oddly.
19:31He did.
19:32Melania Trump recalled her experience
19:34of the first assassination attempt on her husband.
19:36Do we know what she did?
19:38Reloaded.
19:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
19:43So we're quite familiar with Trump's very unique style of dancing.
19:46You've seen this?
19:47Yes.
19:48Yeah, yeah.
19:49But why might he be in big trouble
19:51for doing this on January 6th, 2021?
19:56MUSIC PLAYS
20:03Well, it's just, they're not the moves, are they?
20:05You do the left...
20:06LAUGHTER
20:10Well, this is the attack on Lee.
20:12This is the attack on the Senate, isn't it?
20:14Yeah, well, according to The Washington Post,
20:16files issued recently by Special Counsel Jack Smith
20:19contend that because Trump entered to the Village People's YMCA,
20:23it proves that it was a campaign rally
20:25and Trump was not acting in his official capacity as President,
20:28otherwise he'd have come in on hail to the Chief.
20:30And therefore, under the terms of the Supreme Court ruling,
20:33he has no immunity from prosecution.
20:35Oh, that's clever.
20:37That's very good.
20:38Yeah.
20:39And was he doing the letters R-I-O-T?
20:41LAUGHTER
20:45It's fun to stay in a maximum security jail.
20:51According to Mail Online, a Donald Trump rally was paused recently
20:55after a woman fainted.
20:57First responders leapt into action,
20:59restraining Trump from taking advantage
21:01of an unconscious female.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:05Meanwhile, Argentina's President Mille...
21:08Oh, yeah, that's him doing the YMCA.
21:10Yeah.
21:11At least he knows what he's doing.
21:13He's got his arms up.
21:14For heaven's sake.
21:15What's he been up to in America?
21:16Do you know?
21:17Have you been following him closely?
21:18No, I haven't, no.
21:19He's actually been delivering a speech
21:21to the UN General Assembly,
21:22for which he plagiarised huge chunks of dialogue
21:24from The West Wing.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:29That's brilliant.
21:30And he then went off to the Wall Street Stock Exchange
21:33where, um, this is he.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:36It is just amazing, isn't it,
21:37how one moment can capture a political career.
21:40LAUGHTER
21:46What's going on in that photo, Angela?
21:48For those who haven't seen it, that's you.
21:50What's going on there?
21:51Well, you know Steve Bray, the big Remainer guy?
21:53Well, Boris was making his resignation speech,
21:55he was bellowing out there,
21:57and I just thought, you know, you've got what you want now
22:00and so do you, really.
22:02Did it feel good?
22:03Well, the funny thing is, I don't even really swear,
22:06I don't even use my fingers, so, I don't know.
22:08You don't use your fingers?!
22:10How do you play the piano?
22:11I use my thumbs, yeah.
22:12Oh.
22:13It's a northern thing, yeah.
22:14It's a northern thing?!
22:16He couldn't afford fingers when I was growing up.
22:21Two thumbs were good enough for my daddy, good enough for me.
22:25Didn't have a car, you had to hitchhike everywhere you went.
22:28That was all right.
22:29Didn't mind that.
22:30APPLAUSE
22:31LAUGHTER
22:35And so to round two.
22:36This is the Globe of News.
22:38Globe of News!
22:39Yeah, things and buzzers.
22:40Yeah, OK.
22:41Spin, spin, spin.
22:43Oh, it's turned into a magic effect.
22:47Well, there's a knot hole in that tree for certain.
22:50LAUGHTER
22:53I've just found out where the squirrel hides his nuts.
22:55LAUGHTER
22:56This is...
22:59Unbelievably, I know this is about a tree-hugging competition
23:02in Glasgow.
23:03That's exactly right.
23:04Who was crowned the champion tree-hugger?
23:07Roger Oak.
23:10Peter Willow.
23:12Keep going.
23:13George Willow.
23:14No, keep going.
23:15Sally Willow.
23:16Roger Willow.
23:17Female.
23:18An English name beginning with H.
23:19Harriet.
23:20Holly Willow.
23:21Holly Willow Bee.
23:22She jumped the queue and won.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:24You'd better tell us.
23:25It was Hannah Willow.
23:26Hannah Willow.
23:27Let's have a look at Hannah Willow hugging this tree.
23:30And that is as much as we can show at this time of night.
23:34What did Hannah win?
23:36Er...
23:37Day release.
23:38LAUGHTER
23:40APPLAUSE
23:48Is that right?
23:49No.
23:50No?
23:51No.
23:52As a result of her win...
23:54..Hannah has now qualified to enter the international competition
23:57next year held in the Halipu Forest,
23:59just over 100 miles north of the Arctic Circle.
24:03What a treat for her.
24:05Well done, Hannah.
24:06And in other news to do with names,
24:08who's Steve and what's he been up to in Scotland this week?
24:12A bit general, isn't it?
24:13Yeah.
24:15The clues so far are someone called Peter and Scotland.
24:17No, it's Steve.
24:18Steve.
24:19Oh, Christ.
24:20That's much easier.
24:21Steve is, in fact, a rare purple ribbon-like glow
24:24within the Northern Lights, which was visible in the sky...
24:27Look at that, it's gorgeous.
24:28..which was visible in the skies above Scotland
24:30and northern England this week.
24:31But the question is, why is it called Steve?
24:34Named after the first person that identified it.
24:37Peter.
24:38LAUGHTER
24:41Steve actually stands for
24:43Strong Thermal Emission Velocity Enhancement.
24:46According to the BBC,
24:47Steve is unpredictable and only lasts for a short time.
24:51As every wife of a Steve will tell you.
24:56What other weather phenomenon
24:57did the BBC warn us about this week?
24:59Oh, hurricanes up to 14,000 miles per hour in Great Britain.
25:03There was a glitch on their weather thing
25:05and so at one point it was saying that London,
25:07Salford was another place, 14,000 miles per hour wind.
25:11Before that, there was a warning about temperature,
25:13so a glitch on the BBC weather website...
25:15Yeah.
25:16..saw temperatures of 404 degrees centigrade in Nottingham.
25:20That's quite warm, isn't it? You need to take a coat off for that.
25:23And then, as you say, Paul,
25:25winds of 14,827 miles per hour in Windsor.
25:30He's got Grant Shapps on the numbers.
25:32Yeah.
25:38The way you said that,
25:39you made it sound like a medical complaint going to the doctors.
25:42I've got a touch of Grant Shapps.
25:44I've not been able to sit down straight for a fortnight.
25:47Oh.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:52This is the first Glasgow tree-hugging tournament
25:55or, as it will be known by historians,
25:57the only Glasgow tree-hugging tournament.
26:00Meanwhile, the north of England has been treated
26:02to a rare aurora called Steve.
26:04According to one scientist...
26:16Which is also the instructions if you wish to go dogging.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:23I thought I recognised your voice.
26:28I feel like I'm singing it.
26:32Here we go, here we go, here we go.
26:34Here we go. Spinning the wheel. There we go.
26:36Spinning the globe. Yep.
26:40BUZZER
26:41Oh, you're confident. Brackley in England?
26:43Yeah, it's been a high-vis hugging competition.
26:46He's called Roger High-Vis.
26:49That looks like the word pothole written on his jacket.
26:52Is it the man who just got so fed up
26:54he just started mending potholes himself?
26:56Ah, exactly right. Well done.
26:58His name is Mark Morrill.
27:00He's a former town mayor. What's his nickname?
27:02Mark the Pothole. Mr Pothole. Mr Pothole.
27:04Yeah. He claims he's responsible
27:06for getting 10,000 potholes filled in.
27:09Oh, good. Good on him. He pesters the council, basically.
27:12He's not going around with tarmac and stuff.
27:14This is a letter-writing campaign.
27:16It's a more Amnesty International campaign.
27:18Amnesty International approach.
27:21In other road news, which motorway
27:23has been voted Britain's worst?
27:25Oh, that was something like the M8, was it?
27:27No. I thought it was the M40.
27:29No.
27:3132. No. No.
27:33The M56. M1 with all the cameras?
27:35No. No, it's the M42.
27:37So, a survey of road users... Why do I like that game?
27:39Can we do another one?
27:43So, that was your starter for ten.
27:45I'm now going to give you three bonus questions
27:47about Britain's roads, and you may confirm, OK?
27:49Right, yeah. Who ready?
27:51Islop, Magdalen.
27:54Merton, slightly more cheerful.
28:04That's not how it works on University Challenge,
28:06cos you can't actually buzz in on the bonuses, but sod it.
28:08How do you know? Well, I am involved, so...
28:10Are you? Yeah, yeah.
28:12Yeah, he was a mystery object one week.
28:17Things are buzzing. Here's your first bonus.
28:19Yes.
28:21Britain's worst motorway, the M42,
28:23connects Bromsgrove in Worcestershire
28:25with which Leicestershire town, 40 miles away?
28:29Melton Mowbray. No.
28:31Is it Shakespeare?
28:34It's Ashby-de-la-Zouch. Oh, good.
28:36Question number two.
28:38The A12 was voted Britain's worst A road.
28:40It connects London with which...
28:44Ipswich. It's Lowestoft.
28:46This is bloody hard. This is quite hard, yeah.
28:48It's good.
28:50Finally, Britain's best A road received
28:52an 85% satisfaction rating.
28:54It connects Doncaster with Setonburn, near Newcastle.
28:56What is it? A3.
28:58God, you lot are shit, man.
29:00You said that on University Challenge.
29:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:04We're not shit, Emil, we have drivers.
29:12It's the A19.
29:14And I look on.
29:16I'm afraid to say that's the end of the round.
29:18At the end of the series, goodnight.
29:20Not really.
29:22Fingers on buzzers, teams.
29:24It's the Globe of News again.
29:26Yep.
29:32I think they're going to have apostrophes
29:34in German from now on and they didn't used to
29:36and they think it's American.
29:38Yes. Why?
29:40Don't look at me as though it's not
29:42the most important story of the week.
29:44This is the news that Germany
29:46will officially start using
29:48possessive apostrophes.
29:50So how do Germans indicate possession
29:52without apostrophes?
29:54They invade the Sudetenland.
29:58Possession giant, huh?
30:00I'll tell you, the possessive apostrophe
30:02in German is in fact
30:04called the
30:06Depen-Apostrophe, which translates
30:08to the Idiot's Apostrophe.
30:10Why has Germany resisted using an apostrophe
30:12until now? They think it's English.
30:14It's viewed as an Anglicism and according
30:16to the Express, has led to
30:18a furious backlash against this
30:20bowing to English. The Guardian
30:22points out that the German apostrophe
30:24is not to be confused with the
30:26English Grosser Apostrophe.
30:28Of course not. In German, Grosser Apostrophe just means
30:30a bigger apostrophe.
30:32This latest development
30:34is being closely watched by Germany's
30:36grammar police, the S-Apostrophe-S.
30:40LAUGHTER
30:42And in other language news,
30:44what has Oxford Professor Sir Jonathan
30:46Bate warned about?
30:48LAUGHTER
30:50He says that students no longer have
30:52the attention span to read long books.
30:54I mean, is it true if people lost the ability
30:56to focus for long enough to be able to read a book, young people,
30:58your children? Sorry.
31:00What did he say?
31:02No, I think he's talking about Rhodes.
31:04LAUGHTER
31:06Does anyone here know what
31:08BookTok is? Yes.
31:10Go on.
31:12Are you on TikTok, Ian? No.
31:14But BookTok sells a lot of books.
31:16It does. It's a...
31:18Young people, I believe, recommend
31:20books to each other. Have I got that wrong?
31:22No, you're absolutely right. This is young people
31:24on TikTok who are trying to make reading
31:26cool again. I thought it was cool.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:30That's what me and the lads say these days.
31:32Nice trousers, what are you reading?
31:34LAUGHTER
31:37Thank you there, Blue Harbour.
31:39David Copperfield.
31:41LAUGHTER
31:43Blue Harbour. Oh, you should come down to Spoons
31:45with us, mate. Yeah.
31:47See the match. Read the new William Boyd.
31:49LAUGHTER
31:53Yes, so apparently
31:55if you want to make reading cool again,
31:57you talk about books on TikTok.
31:59Yeah. Here are some highlights from
32:01BookTok. First of all, the writing
32:03is so tiny. And why are the pages so filled
32:05with so many words?!
32:07What the fuck?!
32:09LAUGHTER
32:11It's a shame young people can't
32:13get to the end of Charles Dickens' novels.
32:15For me, the end of A Christmas Carol is the best bit.
32:17You know where Scrooge sees the errors of his ways
32:19and buys all those presents for Kerr, Mitt, Miss Piggy
32:21and Gonzo?
32:23LAUGHTER
32:25Fingers on buzzers, teams.
32:27BUZZER
32:30BUZZER
32:32WHISTLE
32:34Something big happened.
32:36In China? Yeah.
32:38What, with the planned economy?
32:40I don't think so.
32:42Release the virus or something?
32:44No.
32:46No, they've not done that. Not this week.
32:48This is the news
32:50that a sewage pipe in China
32:52has violently exploded
32:54and I think we need to see the event in question.
32:56Oh.
33:02Oh, my God.
33:14That would be my vote for the worst motorway.
33:16LAUGHTER
33:18APPLAUSE
33:21Oh, God.
33:25When the pipe burst,
33:27bystanders were drenched in human waste.
33:29Briefly exciting local archaeologists
33:31who thought they'd uncovered a whole new terracotta army.
33:33LAUGHTER
33:37This is the news that a Chinese
33:39sewage pipe exploded next to a busy road
33:41covering passers-by with human waste.
33:43An incident described by Thames Water
33:45as pretty amateur.
33:47LAUGHTER
33:50APPLAUSE
33:54Time now for the Odd One Out round.
33:56Just one between you this week.
33:58They are Melania Trump, Diane Abbott,
34:00Liz Truss and Anne of Cleves.
34:04Anne of Cleves hasn't got a book out.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:12Anne of Cleves is the easiest one to get a brass rubbing of.
34:16I'll give you a clue.
34:18A clue with romantic...
34:20Romantic entanglements with a national leader.
34:22Oh, that's good.
34:24A sort of.
34:26Anne of Cleves, Henry VIII.
34:28Diane Abbott, Jeremy Corbyn.
34:30Liz Truss...
34:32That's a cheeky Odd One Out, then, isn't she?
34:34Is it?
34:36And Melania, is that where we're going or not?
34:38No, I'll give you the answer.
34:40No, no, don't.
34:42It's how long they lasted.
34:44Excuse me?
34:47LAUGHTER
34:49APPLAUSE
34:53It's romantic dalliances
34:55and the manner of their ending.
34:57Anne of Cleves, you know, she wasn't killed,
34:59she was given an agreeable house,
35:01lived life very happily at the end.
35:03You sound like a solicitor defending Henry VIII.
35:05LAUGHTER
35:07They've all married someone, despite a terrible first date,
35:09apart from Diane Abbott, who dumped Jeremy Corbyn
35:11after a terrible last date.
35:13Where did Jeremy Corbyn take Diane Abbott on that date?
35:15Karl Marx's grave.
35:17Yes, exactly right.
35:19In her recent autobiography,
35:21Diane says that when they dated in the late 1970s,
35:23she complained to him
35:25about their lack of social activity as a couple,
35:27so when Jeremy told her they were finally going out,
35:29she wrote,
35:31Feeling excited?
35:33I dressed up nicely.
35:35I had no idea where we were going.
35:37A nice wine bar?
35:39But Jeremy drove her to Highgate Cemetery,
35:41where he proudly showed her the tomb of Karl Marx.
35:44What was Christmas at the Corbyn's like,
35:46according to Diane Abbott?
35:48Would Piers Corbyn come round?
35:50LAUGHTER
35:52Oh, Christ, he's the bonkers one.
35:54LAUGHTER
35:56Diane, in fact, recalls that dinner
35:58seemed mostly about boiled vegetables,
36:00adding the house was freezing
36:02and there was no alcohol.
36:04There were lots of red flags and also some signs
36:06that it was a bad relationship.
36:08LAUGHTER
36:10What happened when Anne of Cleves
36:12met Henry VIII?
36:14Henry VIII was very disappointed,
36:16because he thought she would look like this picture by Holbein,
36:18and she didn't.
36:20That's exactly right.
36:22Henry had agreed to marry Anne solely based on this portrait of her,
36:24but after she'd made the trip over to England
36:26and he saw her in the flesh,
36:28he supposedly declared,
36:30I like her not, I like her not,
36:32from which we get the phrase,
36:34no likey, no likey.
36:36It's a bit rash of him, isn't it,
36:38to agree to marry somebody based on a painting?
36:41Yeah, he was old and undesirable.
36:43Oh, really? I can't imagine that.
36:45LAUGHTER
36:47Well, the marriage was annulled soon after,
36:49and it could have been worse.
36:51She could have fallen head over heels.
36:53What did Melania... Shut up!
36:55LAUGHTER
36:57This audience has heard every Henry VIII joke going.
36:59What did Melania Trump reveal this week
37:01about her first date with Donald Trump?
37:03BUZZER
37:05They discussed the Abortion Act
37:07and the Supreme Court's reaction to it.
37:10I thought because of the vigour with which you buzzed in
37:12that you actually knew the answer, but you don't, do you?
37:14No, I haven't read the book, nor she.
37:16LAUGHTER
37:18In an interview with Fox News, ahead of her upcoming memoir,
37:21she revealed that Donald took her
37:23on an hour-and-a-half drive
37:25to view a property that he wanted to buy.
37:27Liz Truss met her husband, Hugh O'Leary,
37:29at the Tory party conference in 1997.
37:31What a year that was for them.
37:33What happened on their first date?
37:35Did they go to a pork market?
37:37LAUGHTER
37:39According to The Express, she invited him ice skating.
37:41Yeah. All right.
37:43But the date ended in despair when he sprained his ankle.
37:45Which important moment in Liz Truss's political career
37:47is being commemorated this week?
37:49There weren't any.
37:51There was a commemoration this week.
37:53Do you see this?
37:55A blue plaque appeared outside a Tesco in Walthamstow
37:57to mark the fact that the lettuce
37:59that outlasted her Premiership,
38:01which was purchased there...
38:03LAUGHTER
38:05APPLAUSE
38:09Liz Truss's husband is an accountant,
38:11according to the BBC.
38:13His mathematical mind may well have been
38:15what attracted Ms Truss.
38:17Well, every household needs at least one.
38:19LAUGHTER
38:21Henry VIII felt tricked by Holbein's painting
38:23of Anne of Cleves.
38:25It was the most misleading royal portrait
38:27in British history,
38:29until Kate photoshopped an extra hand onto Prince George.
38:31LAUGHTER
38:33Time now for the Missing Words round,
38:35which this week features, as its guest publication,
38:38The Thatcher's Standard,
38:40the magazine of the National Society
38:42of Master Thatchers.
38:44They're excited to be featured on the show,
38:46because after this, they're hoping sales will go through the roof,
38:48which will then need re-thatching.
38:50And we start with...
38:52Surprise after Gibbons spotted what?
38:54Is it Dick Curdles?
38:56Sorry?
38:58I beg your pardon?
39:00Oh, I see.
39:02I thought you were talking about a bloke called Dick Curdles.
39:04No!
39:06Surprise after Gibbons spotted
39:08doing the robot dance.
39:10Oh, wow.
39:12Would you like to see said dancing Gibbon?
39:14Yes, please.
39:16Here it is.
39:18Sorry, wrong clip.
39:20This is what we're looking for.
39:22This one here.
39:24LAUGHTER
39:26Doing the funky Gibbon,
39:28do you know that?
39:30Do you think maybe that's just an electric fence?
39:32LAUGHTER
39:35Next.
39:37When a Thatcher says what,
39:39it's bound to get people talking.
39:41Just a quick reminder, it's not waterproof.
39:43Is it not?
39:45Oh, it is. Oh, it is.
39:47But it would make you think, wouldn't it?
39:49Yeah, no. No.
39:51When a Thatcher says they're using pre-twisted imported spars
39:53over English straights...
39:55Oh.
39:57..it is bound to get people talking.
39:59Next.
40:01Make working from home more pleasurable by what?
40:04Oh, hello, I'm not in the office today,
40:06I'm working from home.
40:08No, we make working from home
40:10more pleasurable by using
40:12a lying down desk.
40:14Oh.
40:16Here is inventor Alex May
40:18under his desk.
40:20LAUGHTER
40:22It would be a good advert for a futon, wouldn't it?
40:24Yeah.
40:26What happened to futons?
40:28God, the past was great.
40:30No, you'd still get a futon.
40:32Oh, can I?
40:34Yeah.
40:36Have you got one with you?
40:38This one was provided by Lord Ali.
40:40LAUGHTER
40:42APPLAUSE
40:44Next.
40:46Strange sighting on church roof in Norwich
40:48turns out to be what?
40:50Turns out to be perfectly normal.
40:52No.
40:54Is it the M9?
40:56No.
40:58On a clear day, you can see whatever that fucking road is,
41:01A strange sighting on church roof
41:03in Norwich turns out to be
41:05suspicious bishop.
41:07LAUGHTER
41:09So the bishop was on the roof inspecting solar panels
41:11as part of the Church of England's drive towards
41:13net zero, a target which
41:15it has almost achieved with its congregation.
41:17LAUGHTER
41:19Finally, merchandise for upcoming
41:21Oasis tour to include what?
41:23Matching oven gloves.
41:25Is that what you do this with?
41:27A whip. Is it disciplining interns?
41:29LAUGHTER
41:31Is that an album track of theirs?
41:33This is merchandise for upcoming
41:35Oasis tour to include...
41:37Yeah? Flyswatter.
41:39That wasn't a flyswatter,
41:41what you were doing there. Yes, it was.
41:43Have I got this wrong? A flyswatter is a kind of
41:45a vigorous... You've not got it wrong,
41:47you're just too angry.
41:49LAUGHTER
41:51You've got to try and seduce them into a relaxed mood.
41:53Have you tried low-lighting?
41:55LAUGHTER
41:58So the final scores are
42:00Ian and Andrea have three points,
42:02Paul and Miles have five points.
42:04Well done.
42:06APPLAUSE
42:08I wonder what that's for.
42:10That is beyond the losing team.
42:12I can't think why.
42:14I'm always on it, so...
42:16I've rubbed off on you, haven't I?
42:18Well, not yet.
42:20LAUGHTER
42:22Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
42:24Geoffrey, I don't want to embarrass you,
42:26but you've forgotten to put your socks on again.
42:28LAUGHTER
42:30APPLAUSE
42:32I'm impressed that you've managed to get your helmet
42:34over the handlebars.
42:36LAUGHTER
42:38APPLAUSE
42:40On which lovely note, we say thank you to our panellists,
42:42Ian Hislop and Dame Andrea Jenkins,
42:44Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
42:46And I leave you with news that
42:48Angela Rayner says there are no issues
42:50juggling her party lifestyle with
42:52the demands of government as she flies straight
42:55from a weekend in Ibiza to a military veterans event.
42:57LAUGHTER
43:01At the City Hall in Pennsylvania,
43:03it's nearly time for a hot milky drink.
43:05LAUGHTER
43:09And on a visit to a coffee shop,
43:11one man starts to understand how unpopular he's become
43:13as he notices the barista has spelt out
43:15nobody likes you on the top of his cappuccino.
43:19LAUGHTER
43:21Goodnight!
43:23APPLAUSE
43:53APPLAUSE