Taskmaster Australia S03E05
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FunTranscript
00:00Noooo!
00:01He slayed it!
00:28Is this good television?
00:39Hello and welcome to Taskmaster Australia.
00:41My name is Tom Gleeson and I am the Taskmaster.
00:49Tonight, five Australian comedians' collective self-worth
00:52will be poured into a blender
00:54and served up as a protein supplement
00:57for the depraved audience of you at home.
01:00What does the winner win?
01:01This, the official Taskmaster trophy,
01:04which is a gold sculpture that contains
01:06the most superior mind in this room, mine.
01:12The five comedians who we pulled out of the gloop
01:15they call their lives are Aaron Chen,
01:19Conchita Carristo,
01:22Mel Buttle,
01:24Peter Hellyer,
01:27and Big Rhys Nicholson.
01:32Last and yes, least,
01:35this is a guy whose favourite streaming service
01:37is the muddy puddles of water
01:39he spends hours staring at his own reflection in.
01:43It's Tom Cashman.
01:48G'day Tom, I feel like you're building up
01:50a small fan base there.
01:51Oh, thank you.
01:53Speaking of small, do you like my tattoo?
01:55Oh, what, you've got a tattoo on your face?
01:58Yeah, I've got a face tattoo, do you like it?
02:00Can be a career-limiting move.
02:03Because you know how some tough guys in prison,
02:04they get a tattoo of a teardrop
02:06to commemorate a time that they killed someone?
02:08Yeah.
02:09I've got a tattoo of a murder
02:10to commemorate a time that I cried.
02:18All right, Lester Tom, let's rip.
02:20Are you happy with this staying here, the whole show?
02:22Yeah.
02:24Because I know in a meeting earlier,
02:25you said you wanted to remove it.
02:29So, you know, if you turn up to work
02:32doing comedy with props, deal with it, buddy.
02:36But we agreed we'd remove it.
02:38No, no, no, you're staying.
02:40Now you can go, go and get your stupid tattoo off.
02:48Oh, man, he comes up with this dumb gag
02:50and then he's like, but I want it off, okay, all right.
02:54All right, you're happy now?
02:56Yeah.
02:58Well, let's rip into it.
02:59Well, we're starting off with a prize task.
03:01And tonight, our contestants have been asked
03:02to bring in the thing that you're most glad can't talk.
03:06Oh, okay.
03:08What have you brought in, Mel?
03:09I have brought in my
03:11Bachelor of Contemporary Performance, not completed,
03:16Drama Reflection Journal.
03:19Oh.
03:22So I'm thinking you reading it would be quite painful,
03:25but you're saying if it could say those thoughts,
03:27it would be even worse.
03:28Yeah, it would be very bad if production
03:30had a photo of that open and everyone at home
03:32could see the words pertain to, oh, no.
03:37What a disaster.
03:38Worst bit, I was starting to judge myself,
03:41so I took a risk by putting the energy ball in my bum.
03:45Anyway, whatever.
03:47Anyway, whatever.
03:47I didn't get a very good mark for that,
03:49but no one in my class is on Taskmaster, just me, so.
03:56All right, Rhys, what did you bring in
03:58that you wouldn't like to talk?
04:00I came up with this lady.
04:03Oh.
04:04Hello.
04:06This is my dog, Hopkins, and I'm glad she can't talk
04:09because she has seen some shit.
04:13Okay, like what?
04:15Well, I mean, let's be honest, sex is one of them.
04:18You know, like, your pet sees you having sex
04:21and you're like, oh, they don't know what we're doing.
04:23They 100% do.
04:25Every time those videos come out of the dog's,
04:27like, pressing buttons that, like, translate to things,
04:30I'm like, we can't show her that.
04:31She can't be like, help, help, leave, leave,
04:34danger, danger, top, bottom, verse.
04:38Top, bottom, verse.
04:45Conchita, what did you bring in?
04:47I've brought in a really, really well-used specimen jar.
04:52Oh.
04:55What does well-used mean?
04:57It was used by you and some other people?
04:59Not me.
05:00Oh.
05:00The jar, imagine if the jar could speak.
05:02You'd be like, oh, not this again.
05:05Oh, everyone's sick.
05:07It's sloppy.
05:08It's over the edges.
05:10So it's, like, really stressed.
05:14And it's, like, giving me a break.
05:16I want to go on holiday, but I can't.
05:18It keeps getting shattered.
05:20Okay.
05:22Aaron, what did you bring in?
05:24Me, I've brought in a mime.
05:33I'm glad that mimes can't talk,
05:35because, first off, it would ruin their act.
05:39Because it's so funny what these guys do.
05:41They can, like, just make, like, a box
05:44and then go into it.
05:45Yeah.
05:46And you don't even need words,
05:48and that's why it's funny.
05:50Hang on, you brought in Mr. Bean's box set earlier,
05:52didn't you?
05:53Yeah.
05:54There's a theme emerging here.
05:57Because I feel like you're mocking their humour,
05:59but secretly, you love it,
06:00because it's a bit basic, isn't it, Aaron?
06:03Well, I just can understand it.
06:05And...
06:09The second reason I'm glad mimes can't talk
06:12is that I've actually found out
06:14that they have some pretty bad opinions.
06:18Take a look.
06:21Women should not be allowed to vote.
06:27Wow.
06:28Wow.
06:32All right, so, finally, Peter, what did you bring in?
06:35I brought in my gym clothes
06:39that I take on holiday.
06:42Because they would say,
06:44why do you f***ing bother?
06:48I get excited.
06:50You're going to the Gold Coast.
06:52We're there day one, you don't exercise.
06:54I'm like, okay, it's day one.
06:55Nobody exercises on day one.
06:57Maybe day two.
06:59Nothing on day two.
07:01By day four, day five,
07:03we know we're not coming out of the suitcase.
07:06Well, you know, we were on holidays recently together, Pete,
07:09and I can say I've never seen these clothes before in my life.
07:13So I can confirm that that is true.
07:15And I feel like you probably bought them just for this,
07:18and maybe you don't own them at all.
07:21I've never seen these clothes in my life.
07:25All right, well, I guess I should score this.
07:28I'm going to give that a specimen jar
07:29because it can be put in a dishwasher.
07:31And I feel like that would also erase its memory.
07:33So I'm going to give Conchita one.
07:35I'm going to give Rhys two.
07:37Well, I'm just worried that if I buy into the idea
07:39that everything your dog has seen is disgusting
07:41or anything like that, then I feel a bit homophobic and I'm not.
07:44Yeah, yeah.
07:45All right, I've read your blog.
07:50I'm going to give Mel three points.
07:52Just that small sample seemed horrific.
07:55And I'm going to give Aaron four points
07:57because I just don't like mimes as well.
08:00And for five points, because I know the story's true,
08:03I'm going to give it to Pete for his exercise clothes
08:06that have never been used.
08:11All right, let's get into our first task.
08:13Here's a task our contestants took to like ducks to thawed ice
08:16that's been frozen and then thawed again.
08:28Ah, duck! Hello!
08:31Hey, Tom. Welcome to the dock.
08:33Hi, Tom.
08:34Hi, Rhys. I love ducks.
08:36You like ducks? Yeah.
08:37I think they're my spirit animal.
08:39You're a duck fan?
08:40Yeah. I have a tattoo on my arm of a duck.
08:43And also, I love how they walk.
08:44Like that. OK.
08:47What's this, then? It's a task.
08:50I reckon it's ducking.
08:51I reckon it's ducking.
08:52I reckon it's ducking.
08:53I reckon it's ducking.
08:54I reckon it's ducking.
08:56I reckon it's duck-related.
08:58All right.
09:00Find the quack.
09:02One of these ducks has been giving out...
09:05Oh, that's a tricky word.
09:07Thub... Thub...
09:09Unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:11What does that mean?
09:12Unsubstantiated medical advice? Yeah.
09:14It's medical advice with no substance.
09:16The fastest to deliver the quack to Tom wins.
09:20Your time starts now.
09:22So one of these is quacking?
09:23No, one of these ducks is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:26I get it, like a quack, right?
09:28No, no, no.
09:29This duck is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:32I think I'm having an aneurysm.
09:39So who are we going to see first in this little duck hunt?
09:42It's time to send these good eggs off to the bad doctor.
09:44It's Mel and Rhys.
09:46Alright, well, I guess I'm going to get in there, right?
09:48Push me free.
09:49I love you, goodbye.
09:51You've never rode before?
09:52I've never rode before.
09:53You used to row in school.
09:54Yes, I'm very good, thank you.
09:58I can hear something.
09:59I think I can hear something, Tom.
10:01What can you hear?
10:02Some talking.
10:03Is it unsubstantiated medical advice?
10:05Well, if you shut up for a minute, maybe I'll know.
10:07Okay.
10:08I think it's this one.
10:09Let me just get him.
10:16Careful.
10:19It's you.
10:23That goes absolutely spouting rubbish.
10:29I'm coming, Tom.
10:30Other than this being quite dreadful, it's also quite lovely.
10:34That's not it.
10:35We've got a celebrity here.
10:44Where are you going?
10:45I'm off.
10:46Oh.
10:47Bye.
10:53Okay, so, Rhys, can you give us a sense of what it was like there?
10:56Because I feel like it might have given the impression
10:58that it was actually quite easy to hear them,
11:00but the quacks were really loud.
11:02There was a lot of quacking.
11:03If you don't know what...
11:04You're quite stressed about the rowing
11:06and then you're scared you're going to fall in,
11:08and then they...
11:09I should say they told us,
11:10do not get in the water, it is full of E. coli.
11:13So...
11:15It is not full of E. coli.
11:17It's E. coli levels are above safe levels of E. coli.
11:22Well, I would say, compared to no E. coli,
11:25that is up to pussy's bow with E. coli.
11:28I wasn't afraid of the water until I got into it,
11:31and then the next day I did 16 poos on set.
11:35I feel like you're at an advantage, Mel,
11:37because you are very good at rowing.
11:39We've seen that already.
11:41Did that help?
11:42In no way, no.
11:43All of the ducks are making noise.
11:45He's like, yeah, all the information is in the task.
11:48It's actually not.
11:49If all the information you needed was in the task,
11:51the card would say,
11:52it's that brown duck over there on the right-hand side.
11:55So just quickly,
11:56what was the medical advice being handed out by the duck?
11:59I couldn't hear what Pete Evans was saying in the recording.
12:03I'm not sure.
12:04All right, can you give us some scores so far?
12:07I sure can.
12:08So Mel, our champion rower from high school,
12:10took 11 minutes and 50 seconds to find the quack.
12:13Under 12, we did it.
12:15Rhys, no experience with rowing previously,
12:17four minutes and 50 seconds.
12:20OK.
12:21It's time for an ad break.
12:23We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
12:36Welcome back to Taskmaster,
12:37where five comedians are currently competing
12:39to win Rhys Nicholson's thousand-yard staring pet dog.
12:44Where are we up to, Lester Tom?
12:45Our contestants are trying to find a duck
12:47that is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
12:49So far, Rhys and Mel have done very well
12:51to ignore the quacking to find the quack.
12:54Next up, it's two guys I tried to avoid being downstream from,
12:57given their easy-come-easy-go attitude to aqua deposits.
13:01It's Aaron and Pete.
13:03Do I need that red?
13:04Oh, it's up to you.
13:05Yeah, OK.
13:06So I got a...
13:10..community duck door.
13:11What's going on?
13:13So it's the duck that looks like this one,
13:15which is that duck.
13:17Have you rowed before?
13:18Yeah, national champion.
13:20Oh.
13:23Am I supposed to row backwards?
13:25A little bit of forward momentum there.
13:27You're on your way.
13:28There we go, there we go.
13:30It's either that one or that one.
13:32I should be going exactly where the ducks are.
13:39Is that duck giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
13:41I don't know what that means, Tom.
13:45Oh, I hear something.
13:46In the photo, it's got a brown body.
13:48Oh, right.
13:50This one, got it.
13:51Buddy got it.
13:55Is that duck giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
13:58Yeah, it's giving bad, really dodgy advice.
14:00Like what?
14:01Saying that the vaccine is real.
14:03Oh, wow.
14:04Come on!
14:05Stand back.
14:06OK.
14:12It's right there.
14:13There!
14:14There you go, Tom.
14:15Get rid of that duck.
14:22What's that?
14:23It's a business card.
14:26We're eating that duck tonight.
14:27Oh, OK.
14:28You and me.
14:34So, Aaron, when you said that bad medical advice
14:36was saying the vaccine is real,
14:38was that a shout-out to all you fans?
14:40Was that a shout-out to all your freedom-loving fans?
14:43If you guys are out there, keep it up.
14:45We're going to win this fight.
14:52It works on so many levels,
14:54because I suspect they don't understand irony.
14:56Some people are like, yeah!
14:58Finally something!
14:59I'm winning with both.
15:00Like, the people who think it's irony,
15:02they're like, oh, he's being funny.
15:04And then the people who hate vaccines are like, yeah, my man.
15:09Yeah, you just said what I said, but it was a bit longer.
15:14It helps me understand what you're saying.
15:17Sometimes your act is just like you're explaining it to yourself, isn't it?
15:21And what you're saying is that, like, I talk to myself.
15:29So, Pete, for someone who looks like an old salty sea dog,
15:32you didn't seem that comfortable in a boat.
15:34Is that how it came across to you?
15:36Yeah.
15:37I'm surprised, because the audience would disagree,
15:39yet they're nodding their heads.
15:41Now, I can't just leave this unsaid.
15:43Everyone knows about your business card collection now.
15:46How did you feel about that business card disrespect?
15:48I don't know if I could ever forgive Pete
15:50for ripping up a business card in front of me like that.
15:53It was a business card of a dodgy doctor.
15:56Don't shoot the messenger, Pete.
15:59I would like to confirm that that was a clue.
16:01Then let's just say that clue was my idea.
16:04Can I just say that finding that clue, I thought, like,
16:08oh, I've won this.
16:10The clue did not seem to help you in the sliver.
16:13All right, what are the stats?
16:15Aaron took 12 minutes and 4 seconds.
16:18And Pete, 7 minutes and 11 seconds in second place.
16:22OK.
16:24Well, I can't help but notice Conchetta has been singled out here.
16:27Any particular reason?
16:29I couldn't possibly say, but let's see.
16:31It's Conchetta Cristo.
16:32What am I supposed to do?
16:34Duckies!
16:37Oh, come on, mate.
16:39How do you even do this bullshit?
16:41Oh, f***!
16:42Now I'm that way.
16:43No, go this way.
16:45Oh, no!
16:46No!
16:50Oh, shit!
16:52Are any of them giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
16:55I can't hear you and I kind of like it that way.
16:57Yeah, fair enough.
16:59F*** you, stupid piece of shit.
17:02I can't hear shit.
17:03Can't move for shit.
17:04Is this a time pass song?
17:06Passes wins.
17:08I think I'm going to be doing this forever.
17:11Come on.
17:12Not this again.
17:14Shit.
17:17Are you meaning to spin round?
17:18Huh?
17:19No!
17:21Oh, brother.
17:23Oh, my God!
17:25I'm having the worst time!
17:27You stupid ducks.
17:29Ducks.
17:30Now I'm going to hate ducks because of this.
17:32Which one of you stupid d***s is speaking?
17:39I think I hear something.
17:41Why is this so hard?
17:44I can't hear it anymore.
17:46Oh.
18:00Oh.
18:01It's your f***ing voice, isn't it?
18:08It was next to me the whole time.
18:12Is there a rule about throwing it at you?
18:18I'm going away from you.
18:19Oh, no!
18:20Don't!
18:21Shit!
18:22Careful.
18:23Oh, God!
18:24Is this karma?
18:25Is this karma?
18:26Is this karma?
18:27Is this karma?
18:28Is this karma for all the evil things that I've done?
18:32What evil things have you done?
18:33I haven't.
18:34I'm not evil.
18:35Please don't log in on that.
18:40This is a bad dream.
18:49Okay, I need to go.
18:50Thanks, Conchita.
18:51Thanks, Tom.
18:56I mean...
18:58Conchita, that's you doing what you do well,
19:00taking a very straightforward task
19:02and making it more complicated.
19:05Like, I truly, and you know this, Tom,
19:07I had a breakdown out there.
19:10I didn't know how to row.
19:12I couldn't hear Tom.
19:14I couldn't hear the duck.
19:16I was, like, freaking out.
19:18And then I threw it and it fell and, like,
19:20even now I'm not being funny, I'm scared.
19:24Okay.
19:25You briefly mentioned you've done a few evil things in your life.
19:28I feel like we need to know what they are.
19:30No, I regret that.
19:31I didn't mean it.
19:32I was hysterical.
19:34It's often in those moments that the truth comes out.
19:36Yeah.
19:37So can we have the truth?
19:40I started a war.
19:44Wow.
19:45I was inspired by Pol Pot.
19:49Wow.
19:51That is extreme.
19:53So how long did that take?
19:54I think we're dying to know.
19:56Conchetta's time was 27 minutes and 47 seconds.
20:04So Conchetta obviously gets one point.
20:06Then we've got Aaron with two, Mel with three,
20:08Pete with four,
20:09and Rhys, never rowed before Nicholson,
20:11takes five points!
20:12Whoa!
20:13Okay.
20:15And what happens when we add those scores
20:17to the ones we had before?
20:19Well, Aaron, Mel, Rhys and Conchetta
20:21are the trailers,
20:22but turn off your phone for Pete,
20:23he's the main movie,
20:24on nine points!
20:27Alright, Mr Tom,
20:28you got another task for us?
20:29I do.
20:30And don't worry, Tom,
20:31I wasn't agreeing to marry you when I said I do.
20:35I was just answering your work-related question.
20:38As agreed.
20:39Anyway, I wish I hadn't said any of that.
20:40Here's the task.
20:52Hello.
20:53Hi, Aaron.
20:54Ooh!
20:58What on earth's this contraption?
20:59I certainly don't recognise it from my childhood.
21:01Ah.
21:02Albedo machine, is it?
21:03VCR?
21:04VCR, yeah.
21:11Hi, Conchetta.
21:12Hi, Tom.
21:15Teach the task.
21:16Hi, Conchetta.
21:17Hi, Tom.
21:20Teach the taskmaster to do something he can't already do.
21:23With an instructional video.
21:25The instructional video that teaches the taskmaster most wins.
21:30You have 45 minutes.
21:31Your time starts now.
21:33He's actually reasonably good at life
21:37and the infuriating thing is he knows it.
21:41So, what are we looking at?
21:43We've got a lesson here for each of them
21:45that they need to teach me something that I don't already know.
21:47That's right.
21:48Well, there's heaps I already know, so...
21:50This is an extremely difficult task.
21:52Here, with some handy hints for your next work-do,
21:55it's Mel Buttle.
21:57Do you know anything that he can't do?
21:59I cannot think of a single thing the taskmaster cannot do.
22:02I can.
22:03What?
22:04Attend a work event without drinking.
22:07Hello, my name's Virginia Hampenstall.
22:09I've got a Bachelor of Marketing.
22:11I'm a PE teacher.
22:13And also, I teach people how to say no to having a wine at work functions.
22:18It's easier than you think.
22:19Here's a clue.
22:20You can always just say no verbally.
22:23Would you like a wine?
22:24No!
22:25He doesn't want one.
22:26Maybe go non-verbal.
22:27Surprise me with a gesture.
22:29Can I give you a wine now?
22:30No.
22:31No.
22:32No.
22:33No.
22:34No.
22:35Can I give you a wine now?
22:36Oh!
22:38He's milking cows on the way home and won't have time to be drunk.
22:42Perhaps you're somewhere swanky for work and you want to show that you've travelled around the world.
22:46Maybe say no in a different language.
22:48Can I get you a wine?
22:49Nein!
22:51Bitter Sherman.
22:52Perhaps make up an excuse.
22:54Would you like a wine?
22:55I have Hepatitis C.
22:57Ooh!
22:58One more tip that I like to impart with people who need to learn to not have a wine at a work function.
23:04Just get rid of the wine.
23:06Destroy it all.
23:07Tip it down the sink.
23:08Would you like to...
23:09Oh dear.
23:10Oh.
23:12He's done it.
23:13No more wine.
23:15Say no to wine.
23:17Would you like a wine?
23:19No!
23:21Sounds like he means it.
23:26Alright Mel, we've been at a few work functions together and I would say we kept pace when we were drinking.
23:32In fact, many times I was following your lead Mel.
23:35This video Tom, and I thank you for the opportunity to make it, was a chance to say hey Mel,
23:41why don't you pull it back to a reasonable level where Tom drinks and just have 16 to 21 drinks at an event.
23:50Your techniques were to say no.
23:52Say no non-verbally.
23:54Say no in another language and also just to tip it down the sink.
23:57Have you ever tried that technique at a function?
24:00I've tried in my own home with my parents.
24:05Wow.
24:06How much trauma do we do on this show?
24:08I don't know.
24:09Keep the trauma at a level that we don't have to give out the lifeline number.
24:15Everyone's just trying to enjoy themselves.
24:17Note taken.
24:18Well, let's take a little break and maybe have a drinky poo.
24:21We'll be back soon.
24:31Welcome back to Taskmaster.
24:34Put down the bottle, you've got a problem.
24:37Where are we Tom?
24:38Our contestants are making instructional videos to teach you, the Taskmaster, something.
24:43Next up, it's Conchetta Caristo.
24:45Hi Taskmaster and welcome to my channel.
24:48Today we're going to be doing the coolest, sickest look ever.
24:51Me.
24:52Today my model, his name is Tomothy Cashman.
24:54Tom, how are you feeling?
24:56I'm feeling good.
24:57Let's get this blank, dull as F canvas looking into a beautiful beat face.
25:02We need to have like a base.
25:04Get the lightest color and just put it on the base.
25:06You're trying to like get rid of the grease, which let me tell you, Tom has a lot of.
25:10Also, it means the colors on top are going to freaking pop.
25:14And then all you want to do is you just want to get like a darker color.
25:17You go to the corner of the eye.
25:19Yes, queen.
25:20And that just like elongates the eye.
25:21Next, now we want to beat the freaking face.
25:23Let's start with contour.
25:24Yes, keep pouting, honey.
25:26Yes.
25:27Next we want blush.
25:28This is like on the cheek.
25:29Oh my God, you look so cute.
25:31Mascara.
25:32Literally, you never go anywhere without mascara because it's so like, it's so slutty.
25:38Yes.
25:39That looks hot.
25:41Okay, open.
25:43Whoa.
25:45The camera guys all just got hard at the same time.
25:49That means we're on the right track.
25:51In an ideal world, we would have exfoliated Tom's dry, crusty lips, but we don't have to.
26:00And there you have it.
26:01This is how you go from looking drab to fab in a really simple, easy makeup tutorial.
26:06Good luck.
26:07See you.
26:13Well, Conchetta, I think you've done well there because you certainly have taught me a lot.
26:17I did learn about Lesser Tom's crusty lips.
26:20I wasn't aware of that.
26:21Don't lick them.
26:22It makes it worse.
26:24It reminded me of those videos I scroll past on Instagram.
26:27Do you watch those videos?
26:29Mm-mm, yep.
26:30Okay.
26:31That's the quintessential YouTube girly.
26:33It's like a 20-minute video, and it's full of personality.
26:37And I tried to just keep it real and fun.
26:39Okay.
26:40Well, it was all new to me, so that was good.
26:42And also, I'm really proud of the fact that I got away with saying that I was scrolling on Instagram,
26:46and I've not done that either.
26:49Can you imagine me?
26:51All the photos.
26:53I like.
26:54What?
26:55All right.
26:56Which of these gurus am I going to be forced to hear from next?
26:58Here with some insights from the very important world of business, it's Aaron Chen.
27:03Hello.
27:04I'm playing you, Tom Gleeson, the taskmaster.
27:08And I'm going to teach you how to negotiate in business and get to the next level with your finances.
27:14You're already doing pretty well, but I'm going to help you add a couple of zeros to whatever you're making now.
27:20And the way to do it is through children's books.
27:23You don't have any of your own, but Peter Hellyer does.
27:26And we're going to teach you how to acquire the rights.
27:40So I'm teaching you how to negotiate.
27:42Always know the numbers.
27:44Never go beyond your asking price.
27:47You brought an entourage.
27:48Real classy, Pete.
27:49The whole cast of the Project Carrie, Hamish McDonald, Sam Taunton.
27:54Now let's get into business.
27:55What have we got, Tom?
27:56We've got Frankie Fish, Herman Crabbe, tripping with kids.
27:59We want the whole suite.
28:00And we can give you four marshmallows.
28:06What do you mean?
28:07You're an arsehole.
28:08I can't believe it.
28:09Fine, Pete.
28:10Five marshmallows.
28:11That's my final offer.
28:12You can take that to Cancun and make it look like Waikiki on a day off like the Gold Coast.
28:19Guess what?
28:20I'll give you six and a half, and that's the highest I'm going to go.
28:26Can you believe this guy?
28:27No.
28:29Give us a moment, Pete.
28:30What's our final offer?
28:33All right, Pete.
28:34All right, Pete.
28:35We've talked to the accountants, and they've given us seven marshmallows.
28:41That's the final offer.
28:42We're walking.
28:45And that's how you negotiate.
28:47Remember, always be intimidating and rude and say things like the F word.
28:52Don't forget to learn the names of all the kids' books.
28:55And number three is to remember to negotiate hard.
29:05I think you did teach me something.
29:06You taught me how to lose a negotiation, not win it.
29:10No, because we started by low-balling Pete Hellyer.
29:15He's got a great suite of books worth 20 to 30 marshmallows, but we got it from seven.
29:22But you start at four.
29:23You know this.
29:25I mean, you don't know this.
29:28Yeah, I feel like I wasn't learning from you.
29:30I think you accidentally taught me Pete's good negotiating technique,
29:33and that is say nothing, and the money just goes up.
29:37You're welcome.
29:40So, who's next?
29:41Here with some tips about staying alive, which, as our oldest contestant,
29:44he's something of an expert in.
29:45It's Peter Hellyer.
29:50Taskmaster.
29:51It's PH here.
29:52I know you grew up in a farmhouse.
29:54Taskmaster.
29:55It's PH here.
29:56I know you grew up in a farm.
29:57Occasionally, you visit a city.
29:59I'm going to show you how to survive on the streets here in my hometown, New York City.
30:07This looks like I'm having a lot of fun, Taskmaster.
30:09But look what's about to happen.
30:11Hey, give me your skateboard, kid.
30:18That was close.
30:19I got away with it because of my street smarts.
30:21But the lesson is, don't take your flash new skateboard around the streets of New York City.
30:30Just because these hoodlums think they're tough doesn't mean they don't want to get caught.
30:33So I suggest always collecting some evidence when you're being attacked.
30:36Oi, give me your jewellery.
30:39Hey, smile.
30:40Oh, no.
30:41Please, please, delete them.
30:42Delete those photos.
30:43Only if you promise to give up your life of crime.
30:46Fine.
30:47Deal.
30:49Sometimes the odds just aren't in your favour.
30:51And as the kids say, you need to skedaddle.
30:54Give me your iPad.
30:55There's an iPad over there, look.
30:58Help!
30:59Help!
31:00Help!
31:01I'm in danger.
31:02Get in.
31:05You're safe now.
31:06Let's get out of here.
31:07Let's go.
31:11You're hot.
31:19That part of New York looked like where I live.
31:25It was upstate New York.
31:28There were no buildings whatsoever.
31:30And even when you turned up to rescue yourself, you were in a ute.
31:33And when you were in the ute, you looked like someone from the country.
31:36You had an ecuberon.
31:39I thought you weren't going to see through it.
31:41I thought, well, who's that?
31:42I thought, you know, the transformation was amazing.
31:44The illusion didn't work.
31:45I mean, at first I thought,
31:46oh, wow, he's jumped in a ute with his identical twin
31:49and his twin doesn't know how to drive.
31:51Because did you get in the ute and then, to drive off,
31:55you just revved the ute in neutral?
31:58It obviously feels like an off-air conversation.
32:04OK, I don't know about you,
32:05but I need a break to let all that learning sink in.
32:08We'll be back soon.
32:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:19Welcome back to Taskmaster,
32:21where our comedians are competing for the chance
32:24to win a rare and mythical object,
32:26Pete Hellyer's gym clothes.
32:28Tell me, Alyssa, Tom, what are we doing now?
32:31Our contestants are trying to teach you something
32:33via the medium of instructional videos.
32:35Get out your blank tapes, because last up we have a VCR.
32:39It's a very confident redhead, Rhys Nicholson.
32:43I'm going to teach the Taskmaster how to tuck.
32:47Tuck? Oh, tuck.
32:49Tuck. Tuck.
32:51Hello, I'm comedian and publicly maligned drag judge Rhys Nicholson,
32:56and today we're going to talk about tucking.
32:59What's tucking, you ask?
33:01What's tucking? Good question, Tom.
33:03Tucking is the multi-part process
33:05designed to create a flat appearance down there.
33:07Why would you want to do that, you ask?
33:09Well, to read to children.
33:11So we're going to start by grabbing the little pajamas,
33:15and we're just going to very simply pop them up into here.
33:19With me so far?
33:21Use tape or gaff to secure the little guys in place against the body.
33:25The tape is wrapped around the area, creating a flat appearance.
33:29Adjust for comfort.
33:36And that's how you tuck.
33:38Oh.
33:40How about we get a drink?
33:42Come on, toots.
33:50Just to be clear to the families who are watching,
33:52like whole families at home,
33:53we're just talking about hiding fruit in a skeleton.
33:56It's a fun game. They do it on PlaySchool.
33:59But I must say, it's like there was a bit more to it than I thought,
34:03and I have a bigger respect now.
34:05There is a lot of work and kind of pain involved in doing drag,
34:09with the shoes, but, yeah, you've got to push it up there.
34:11Yeah, you've got to really suffer for your art.
34:13And some drag queens, there's a lot to tuck,
34:16and there's a lot of tape to be placed there
34:19and a lot of tucking to be done.
34:21And so what Rhys is trying to say is sometimes you have to try
34:24to hide a whole fruit shop inside a skeleton.
34:26Yeah, yeah.
34:27All right, well, I have to score, don't I?
34:29Mm-hm.
34:30Well, I've got to put Pete in one.
34:32OK.
34:33Because he taught me how to survive an urban area
34:35in a regional area, and I just...
34:37If you know how to survive a regional area,
34:39you've just got to be racist.
34:41Anyway...
34:44I'm going to give two points to Mel
34:46because you were trying to make out that drinking's a problem,
34:49and we know in Australia it's not.
34:52I'm going to give three points to Aaron
34:54because he taught me the great negotiating technique
34:56that Pete used through all those years of the project.
34:59And I'm going to give four points to Conchetta
35:01because I've never seen those videos before
35:03and I've learned all kinds of things about how to put on make-up,
35:07but for five points, they're going to Rhys
35:09because I really did learn something from them.
35:12CHEERING
35:13Genuine learning.
35:16Do you have one last task in the chamber for us tonight, Tom?
35:20Yes, we do, and I suck.
35:24Ha-ha-ha-ha!
35:27This next task involves insults,
35:29and I didn't feel comfortable using anyone else as an example.
35:37CHEERING
35:50Ho-ho-ho.
35:52Your task's over there.
35:53Is it?
35:54What have we got here?
35:56Oh, there's a microphone here, Tom.
35:58Mm.
35:59To sting.
36:01Is it on?
36:02No.
36:03Here we go.
36:06Roast each character the quickest,
36:08so we're after speed.
36:11Bang, bang, bang.
36:12Mm.
36:13It's like quickfire.
36:14Your roast must be relevant to the character.
36:17I'm a good person.
36:18Really?
36:19No.
36:20Quickest average response time wins.
36:24It doesn't have to be best roast, it's relevant roast.
36:26Well...
36:27Also, the best overall roaster will get two bonus points.
36:31Holy smokes.
36:32Tom will unveil the characters from left to right
36:34beginning in one minute.
36:35Your time starts now.
36:36And you're allowed to go racial.
36:39I didn't say that,
36:40but there's also nothing in the rules to prevent that.
36:48All right, chuck me some mint jelly, Lesser Tom,
36:50because I enjoy a good roast.
36:51Let's see what these guys have.
36:53These three must be thirsty toilets
36:54because they love taking the piss.
36:56It's Aaron, Mel and Peter.
36:59Are you ready?
37:00Yeah, sure, let's do it.
37:01I'm kind of nervous.
37:02Do you want to practise on me?
37:03Tom, you stink and you look like an idiot.
37:06You're green, blue suited, bloody whistle-blowing.
37:10Get a clue.
37:12OK, yeah, let's go. I'm ready.
37:16Is that a lamb?
37:18You look like a goat.
37:21If it was ugly.
37:23Baaa. Boring.
37:27You know, I...
37:28I would actually go on a date with Tom Cruise
37:31before I'd go on a date with you.
37:32on a date with you.
37:33That's an old advertising reference in Australia.
37:37You little lamb.
37:42You creepy.
37:43Imagine a baby was so stupid that it had long hair.
37:49Wearing white.
37:51Okay, still a virgin.
37:52What a nerd.
37:53Ever done a root?
37:54I've done heaps.
37:55I've done four just this week, baby.
37:57How old are you?
37:58You're obviously some Benjamin Button type freak.
38:02I think you're a porcelain bitch.
38:07Is that Peter Hellyer?
38:08Mm-hmm.
38:09Um, cause I didn't recognize him.
38:12Cause he's not famous anymore.
38:15Oh, well this is, you fat f**k, seriously.
38:18Do they make those shorts for men?
38:21Wow.
38:22Watch for the spray tan.
38:23It's a bit dark for my liking, to be honest.
38:25That's going to get you into trouble.
38:26And guess what, Pete?
38:28You smell...
38:31here.
38:34Uh-oh.
38:34Baldy, baldy, baldy, baldy, baldy.
38:37Bald man.
38:40You can't even stay on your seat, you asshole.
38:43Imagine breaking so easily.
38:46Guess what I've got?
38:47An actual working penis and a scrotum.
38:55Who are you?
38:56You're like a real version of that guy,
38:58but even, even stinkier.
39:05Hello, loser.
39:07I'm sure you're a nice man,
39:09but your twin brother is a bit freaky, to be honest.
39:11Although, he's better looking than you are.
39:14He's much better looking.
39:14He's younger.
39:15And to be honest,
39:16I don't think you have genitals either, mate.
39:17To be honest, looking down there,
39:18he's got a bigger bulge than you have.
39:20I'm getting a real, left school at 14,
39:22just dug myself a job out of the trenches kind of a vibe.
39:25What's your name?
39:26Joe.
39:27Joe?
39:28Get a longer name.
39:31I see that I've hurt your feelings,
39:32which is exactly, exactly my want.
39:35Nice to meet you, bro.
39:36I'm sure you're a very nice guy.
39:38Thanks, Mel.
39:42Good night, Boston.
39:47Now, Aaron, you were making fun of Pete
39:50for not being famous.
39:51Is that right?
39:52Is that the dig you were getting out there?
39:53I panicked,
39:54because I saw the picture and I didn't know who it was,
39:56and then word association, recognised, famous,
40:00and then Pete's one of the most famous guys in the country.
40:04Yeah, so when you were having a go at his phone,
40:09you can't smooth over a roast.
40:11You can't take it back,
40:11because then the roast loses its sting.
40:14Pete sucks.
40:17Well, in fact, that happened to you, Pete.
40:19You were launching into the bald man at the end there,
40:22and then at the end,
40:22you actually seemed quite nice.
40:24You couldn't quite stick to-
40:25I'm not an inside comic.
40:27It's very uncomfortable for me.
40:28I actually took that guy home,
40:30I brought him dinner, and I...
40:36And the disguise had worked.
40:41But it was genuinely an uncomfortable experience.
40:44And then when I saw a human man there,
40:47that was kind of terrifying.
40:48That wasn't comfortable.
40:49Mel didn't flinch.
40:50You were just like,
40:52there's a...
40:52It looks like the mannequin,
40:53and you were just straight in.
40:55A professional.
40:56Yeah.
40:59Did you have a little moment of doubt
41:01before you ripped in there?
41:02No, I think I even implied he was a homosexual,
41:05even though I myself am.
41:07Still a burn on both of us, though.
41:10Okay, we're actually looking for the most quick-witted, so...
41:13That's right.
41:13Who was the quickest?
41:14Pete, your average response time was 13.8 seconds.
41:18Mel, 8.4 seconds.
41:20Aaron, 8.2 seconds.
41:22Oh.
41:23Oh, okay.
41:26Time for some ads, but watch out.
41:28If you don't come back after the break,
41:30we'll be roasting you next.
41:31See you after this.
41:41Look, I know you're watching it now,
41:42but how about watching more later?
41:43Catch every moment of triumph and utter humiliation
41:46of Taskmaster Australia with full episodes
41:48at tenplay.com.au or the TenPlay app.
41:56Welcome back to Taskmaster.
41:58What are we up to here, Les and Tom?
41:59We're doing a roast race so far.
42:01Aaron, Mel and Pete have taken no prisoners,
42:04which is good, because that wasn't the task
42:06and it would be illegal.
42:09Now it's time for Conchetta and Rhys.
42:11I'm a terrible roaster.
42:12Ready?
42:13Yep.
42:16You big idiot.
42:18The thing about lambs is that...
42:23Are you okay?
42:24No.
42:25When you have your one ear up and your one ear down,
42:27you're always listening for people to be bitching about you
42:30and we're bitching, all right?
42:32Lambs.
42:33Better eaten than alive.
42:36Is that a roast?
42:37Go to the next one.
42:43I'm having a full-blown mental breakdown, Tom.
42:45You bitch.
42:47You stupid little bitch.
42:51And you wear your pearls like I'm Dame Judi Dench.
42:54We know you love to get f***ed.
43:01Where does she get her hair done?
43:03The bad wig store?
43:05Move on.
43:07Oh my God.
43:09Mate, mullets are normal.
43:11It's not funny.
43:12Everyone has a mullet.
43:14This is the best photo of Peter Hellyer I've ever seen.
43:18Move on.
43:21Did you really have to get my ex out here?
43:24You know it's horrible.
43:25This is what I look like without my wig on.
43:27How dare you wear that top that I bought for you?
43:30Okay, you shouldn't be wearing that
43:31because that has memories and it makes me uncomfortable.
43:34And also, you're bad at sex.
43:37When I see him, I think of you,
43:39just completely nondescript
43:40and bringing nothing to the situation.
43:43That's a roast for both of you.
43:44Move on.
43:45Oh no!
43:47Now I feel bad about what I said about that man.
43:51You f**k, you f**k.
43:54Dressing up like my ex.
43:56Let me start by saying,
43:57you look better than that one,
44:00but not much.
44:01You think you're really cute.
44:03You think, I'm one of the cute guys.
44:04I'm not one of the bad guys.
44:05You're one of the bad guys.
44:09I've hated this
44:10and I reckon this is the worst task that I've done.
44:13I'm so sorry.
44:14I didn't mean it.
44:15Her, I didn't mean to, but not him.
44:18Oh God, I feel dirty.
44:21Bye Tom, this has been real bad
44:22and I look forward to being roasted in the studio for it.
44:32Wow, Conchetta, at one stage,
44:34you said, I'll quote,
44:36you bitch, you stupid little bitch.
44:39How did you come up with that witty wordplay?
44:43Just off the cuff.
44:46Really?
44:46Oh, you didn't prepare it earlier.
44:49I couldn't tell,
44:50cause it was just so well-written.
44:52Why are you being so nice to me?
44:59So Rhys, why are you so averse to roasting?
45:02You're quite happily abusing everyone in the studio.
45:04It seems to come quite naturally.
45:06It was the only task I think out of the whole run
45:09that at the end, Tom was quite genuine when he went,
45:12are you okay?
45:14Well, I've seen you stand up
45:15and a lot of it's self-deprecating.
45:17So what you do is, when you're roasting,
45:19is you just take all that self-loathing
45:20and just put it on other people.
45:22Oh, that would kill them.
45:26I got a lot of anger and sadness and I push it down
45:29and I'm either making a diamond or a tumour.
45:35Well, I feel like we need some final scores
45:37cause again, it was about their average
45:39at how quick they were with coming up with a roast.
45:41Conchetta's average response time was 12.4 seconds,
45:44putting her in third place currently.
45:46Reece's average response time was 46.4 seconds.
45:51Oh, wow.
45:56All right.
45:57So now we need you to assess the best overall roaster.
45:59It really was just pouring out of Mel Buddle, wasn't it?
46:02I mean, when the mannequin was there
46:04and a man with emotions, it made no difference.
46:08So I think the bonus points go to Mel.
46:10We've got Reece with one point,
46:11Pete with two, Conchetta with three,
46:13Aaron with five, but Mel takes six points.
46:16Yes!
46:19Now, before we send everyone upstairs for a live task,
46:22are we allowed to have a little peek at the scoreboard,
46:24please, Lesser Tom?
46:26So stuck on the ground floor is Conchetta.
46:28At the moment in the elevator are Pete and Reece,
46:30but living that penthouse lifestyle are Mel and Aaron,
46:33both with 14 points.
46:38All right, you lot scram.
46:39It's time for your live task.
46:40Get upstairs.
46:46What am I looking at there, Lesser Tom?
46:48Conchetta, could you please read the task?
46:50Reband your tennis balls off a ramp
46:52and stick them to your suits.
46:54A tennis ball stuck to a limb or body gets one point.
46:57A tennis ball stuck to a head gets three points.
47:00A tennis ball stuck to anyone else's suit gets five points.
47:04You must remain on your spots at all times.
47:07To count, the balls must bounce off a ramp.
47:11Most points win.
47:12You have two minutes from Tom's whistle.
47:15Are we ready?
47:16Yeah.
47:22Nope.
47:36What, does that count?
47:38Oh, you!
47:40No!
47:41Okay, come on, Jack.
47:44This is f***ed.
48:06This is going so poorly.
48:11Oh, you went...
48:23Shit.
48:35All right, we're going to clean this shit up.
48:37We'll see you after the break.
48:41Woo!
48:49Welcome back to Taskmaster.
48:50We've consulted our primary school dictionary
48:53and assessed all the tennis ball peggings,
48:55sconnings, axings and falcons from our live tasks.
48:59Lesser Tom, what kind of scores are we looking at?
49:02In last place, with seven body shots,
49:05we have Mel, then Pete.
49:07Pete, you had eight body shots.
49:08We had Rhys, you had two body shots,
49:10two head shots.
49:11Conchetta, you had four body shots
49:13and then also three head shots,
49:15so 13 points total.
49:16Aaron had 10 body shots, one head shot
49:18and two balls on someone else
49:20with 23 points.
49:24That means Mel gets one point,
49:26Pete with two,
49:26Rhys, three,
49:27Conchetta, four
49:28and Aaron takes home the task with five points.
49:31Wow.
49:33And more importantly,
49:35who won tonight's episode?
49:36So in fifth to second,
49:38we have Conchetta, Pete, Mel and Rhys,
49:39but with his tearaway live task effort,
49:41Aaron is the winner with 19 points.
49:43Congratulations, Aaron, you are the winner.
49:50Please ascend to the stage
49:51and enjoy your prizes in silence.
49:59All right, other Tom,
50:00let's have a little looky look
50:02at our season scores.
50:03So now that we've completed five
50:05out of our 10 episodes,
50:06we can officially say that on 81 points,
50:08Rhys has won the first half of Taskmaster.
50:15All right, and just like that,
50:16we're at the end of another episode of Taskmaster.
50:18But what did we learn?
50:19We learned that only 40% of Australian comedians
50:22know how to row a boat.
50:25We learned that the world can be a very tough place
50:27for a little girl with lovely long hair.
50:31But most importantly,
50:32we learned that Aaron is the winner of episode five.
50:59I'm gonna eat your ass, Tom Cashman.
51:01How does that make you feel?
51:03I didn't like it.
51:04Maybe I'm having a stroke.
51:05This is so scary.
51:07It's like you don't watch the clips, honestly.
51:12Shut the f*** up.
51:14Come on, banter.
51:16See, it's shit.