Taskmaster NZ S05E10
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello.
00:01And two.
00:02Come on.
00:03Woo hoo.
00:04That's for the haters.
00:05Come here.
00:06Come here.
00:07Jiggle a little.
00:08See.
00:09Oh.
00:10Yeah.
00:11Hee hee hee.
00:12Nomai Bikkimai, welcome to the grand finale of Season 5 of The Biggest Show on TV.
00:41Welcome to the grand finale of Taskmaster.
00:43My name is Jeremy Wells.
00:46This is the episode that matters, where our winner is crowned, and where history is written.
00:53And by history, I mean the Taskmaster New Zealand Wikipedia page.
00:58And tonight, we'll find out which of our five comedians will go home with this.
01:04The golden Taskmaster trophy.
01:07And here to win my magnificent golden bust, we have Abbey Howell, Ben Hurley, Hayley Sproul,
01:21and Tom Sainsbury.
01:23Now, Te Whangarei has been unable to join us in the studio for the season, but we've
01:31had incredible guests to stand in in his place.
01:35And this episode is no exception, please give a huge round of applause to the one,
01:40the only, Chris Barker.
01:46And by my side, as always, a man who dresses like a butler, acts like a butler, and mostly
01:53undertakes the work of a butler.
01:55It's Paul Williams.
01:56Wow.
01:57What a smoke show, look at you tonight.
02:05You see, Paul Williams couldn't be here.
02:07I'm his great-grandfather.
02:09I've time-travelled forward from 1920.
02:13And I'm filling in for him this evening, you see?
02:17What do you reckon?
02:18It's so hot.
02:19Ten out of ten.
02:20Oh, yeah.
02:21Like a sexy paedophile.
02:28Is that the first time those two words have been put together?
02:30Yeah, probably.
02:32Yeah, it's good to see you made an effort, unlike Tom here.
02:35Have some decorum.
02:36I've been wearing a suit this entire season, right, and then I get told to wear my best
02:40tonight, so I'm like, well, I'll check on my houseabouts.
02:44Let's get to it, Paul.
02:45What prize task do we ask our contestants to bring in today?
02:49Tonight we've asked our contestants to bring in the best thing that will still be here
02:54in a million years.
02:58Tom, what long-lasting thing have you brought in?
03:02OK, so for my prize, I have brought honey.
03:07Honey never goes off.
03:08So it's going to be here in a million years, and you'll be like, hello, I'll eat honey.
03:14I'm being you as a cyborg.
03:15I will enjoy this honey.
03:18My mechanical receptors are going crazy for this honey.
03:24Jeremy, as a cyborg, be any different?
03:31That's always a good question, actually.
03:34Abby?
03:35I had another thing planned.
03:37Then I had a dream where a voice told me the perfect thing to bring in for this task is
03:45elegance.
03:47As represented by a top hat and monocle in this picture, but the answer, Jeremy, it's
03:58elegance.
04:01This came to you in a dream?
04:02Yes.
04:03Do you think we'll remain elegant when the world's on fire and we're all at war together
04:07and there's no more food?
04:09Elegance is timeless.
04:12Timeless elegance.
04:14It's elegance, Jeremy.
04:16As represented by a top hat and a monocle?
04:18Oh, baby, it's elegance.
04:22It's the answer.
04:23I don't think I'll ever want to hear that word ever again.
04:28Ben?
04:29Jeremy, my thing that's going to be here in a million years is obvious to every person
04:34from Aotearoa, New Zealand, and I think you'll all agree it is the right Honourable Winston Peters.
04:44Now, I did ask him to be on the show and he declined.
04:51So I sent this email to him.
04:54Dear Sir, I hope this email finds you well.
04:57It probably will because you are immortal.
05:00Please reply to the following information under the Official Information Act.
05:04What is your secret to everlasting life?
05:08And what are your plans for the 1 million 2026 election?
05:12I'm supposed to receive that within 20 working days of me sending it, which was this morning.
05:18Did you write it in an italics, Ben?
05:24I did.
05:25Do you know why?
05:27Elegance.
05:28Yeah, elegance, baby.
05:29It's the answer.
05:30Hayley, what did you bring in that's going to be around in a million years?
05:34Jeremy, this is where I would like to admit that I have lived a life of privilege and,
05:39you know, I have loved every minute of it.
05:43So the thing that I have, without a doubt, utter faith, will still be here in a million
05:48years is my family batch.
05:51It's that one just on the cliff there, and there is no doubt in my mind, Jeremy, that
05:57in a million years this beautiful waterfront property will still be here for tonight's
06:02winner to enjoy.
06:05I'm assuming you want to lose this task.
06:08Why would I want that?
06:09It's such a fantastic batch in a prime location and totally insurable.
06:15Chris, what did you bring in for Te Whinga?
06:18Well, this thing, you know, I'll have like a big night out and then I'll see that it's
06:24still there, and then sometimes like weeks will go on and it's still there, years will
06:30go on and it's still there.
06:32And so I brought in loose glitter.
06:40I mean, me and Abbie both have glitter on our eyelids tonight and we will until we die,
06:44I guess now.
06:45That glitter's from my house.
06:46Yeah, I know.
06:47Got ya.
06:48A little bit.
06:49OK.
06:50By the looks of it, Hayley's batch is going to be around for, I'm going to give it, 15
06:54years and that's gone.
06:56So one point for Hayley.
06:58Winston Peters will last for another 120 years, but I think the email will go.
07:02So two points for Ben.
07:03Elegance will last as long as humans are here.
07:07And so I think three points for you, Abbie.
07:08And I think Tom's honey will last probably the next amount of time, so that's four points
07:13for Tom.
07:14I think the glitter will last forever.
07:15You and our glitter.
07:16We all agree that it was a luxury forever.
07:21Should we get a season score update?
07:23It might be our tightest season yet.
07:25With a one point lead on 150, it's Hayley Sproul.
07:32OK, Paul, I'm ready for the first proper task of the last episode of the season.
07:37Of course, Jeremy.
07:38Here it is.
07:39Knock, knock.
07:40Who's there?
07:41Yoo-hoo.
07:42I'm Lee-Mai.
07:43Hello, Abbie.
07:44Mate, you're like bringing me into this little caravan, eh?
07:47Yeah.
07:48Isa!
07:49There's a phone there.
08:04Yeah.
08:07Text the stranger and guess their age.
08:10You cannot use numbers in your questions, and they cannot use numbers in their answers.
08:16You may not use the internet.
08:17You have one guess.
08:18I have one guess.
08:20Yeah.
08:21Closest approximation to their age wins.
08:24You have 10 minutes.
08:25Your time starts now.
08:26So use this, text any stranger.
08:29The stranger.
08:30The stranger.
08:31Oh.
08:32Mm-hmm.
08:32All right, shall we get into it?
08:37Up first, it's Hayley Sproul and Tom Sainsbury.
08:41Hi, stranger.
08:42What's up?
08:46Now, if they get that reference,
08:48it's gonna put them in an age bracket for me.
08:50She's like, hey, stranger, what's up?
08:53Hey, okay, multiple Ys and a lowercase.
08:55I'm thinking Gen Z.
08:56Hi, sweetheart.
08:58Did you grow up with records, cassettes, CDs, or Spotify?
09:01Hi, sweetheart.
09:03That's pretty presumptive.
09:04I grew up with most of them.
09:06Okay, what you doing?
09:08Nothing much.
09:09Just sitting, texting.
09:12Oh, they're abbreviating, though.
09:14Oh, now I'm thinking boomer.
09:15This feels like my mom when she texts.
09:17Do you know who Hilary Duff is?
09:19Do I know who Hilary Duff is?
09:21Duh, yes.
09:22Bit of attitude.
09:23Do you love Taylor Swift?
09:25Hell no.
09:27Okay, me neither.
09:30She's lame, lol.
09:31Duh, yes, they know who Hilary Duff is.
09:33I'm thinking they're in their 30s.
09:34I'm gonna say, what are you wearing in a non-sexy way?
09:38I am wearing...
09:41Baggy jeans, now I think it's Gen Alpha, it's a millennial.
09:44I'll say, do you like skinny jeans?
09:46Do you like skinny jeans?
09:47I miss them.
09:49God no, I say, joke's so lame.
09:52Joke's so lame.
09:53This person seems old.
09:56Who was Prime Minister when you were at high school?
10:00I wasn't interested.
10:01I have no idea.
10:02I was more interested in other stuff.
10:04Who is the cutest celeb?
10:08Probably, I'm not sure this person might know this person.
10:12Probably Central Phi.
10:14I think it's meant to be Central C.
10:16Do you know who they are?
10:16I do.
10:17What do they look like?
10:18Quite hot.
10:20I'm gonna say, I like Jason Momoa.
10:21I like Jason Mimosa.
10:24I just said, I like Jason Mimosa, far out.
10:26I got it.
10:28Do you like mimosas?
10:29They might be underage.
10:30This will get me an age limiter, 18 or under.
10:33Yes.
10:34Yes.
10:36Can you legally drink mimosas?
10:38No, they can't.
10:39Naughty, naughty.
10:42Were you born after?
10:45Titanic was on at the movies.
10:48They said no.
10:52Can you legally drink next year?
10:53I feel like she's slowly getting there.
10:56Got you, I've got you, stranger.
10:58Okay, dot, dot, dot, it's coming.
11:02What'd they say?
11:06I just really felt a connection with this girl.
11:11So, Hayley, my two favourite quotes were you saying,
11:16I just really felt a connection with this girl,
11:18and then her saying, this person seems old.
11:21Yeah.
11:24Yeah.
11:26Tom, I felt like you were at an instant disadvantage
11:28because the woman you had on the other line
11:30seemed to really hate you from the start.
11:34The feeling is completely mutual.
11:36You were slightly stitched up by having the only 58-year-old
11:40who would respond, duh, to, do you know Hilary Duff?
11:46She's a sassy Karen, I like it.
11:47She certainly was.
11:48So, where do we get to in the end?
11:49So, Tom guessed 34, and she was 58.
11:53Whoa.
11:54So, 24 years off.
11:55Hayley guessed 17, and she was 58.
11:59So, Hayley, you were at an instant disadvantage.
12:01Yeah.
12:02Tom, I felt like you were at an instant disadvantage
12:04Hayley guessed 17, and she was 17.
12:08Wow.
12:08Okay.
12:11Bang on.
12:12Okay.
12:13Well, that's it for the first part of the show,
12:15but here's a task for you at home.
12:17Buy one of every product you're about to be advertised,
12:21and try to keep New Zealand TV alive
12:23for just a little bit longer.
12:25We'll see you after this.
12:35Welcome to my home, and welcome back to Taskmaster.
12:38What were we doing, Paul?
12:39I'm getting old and losing my memory.
12:41That's okay, Jeremy.
12:42I will be here as your body declines.
12:46Our comedians were each texting a different stranger
12:49and trying to guess their age.
12:51So far, we've seen Hayley and Tom.
12:54Now it's time for Abbie Howells, aged 33,
12:57and Ben Hurley, aged 40 to 50, according to his agent.
13:01It's Abbie and Ben.
13:03Nice day for a dance.
13:07Nice day for a dance.
13:09What do you like to listen to?
13:14Uptown funk.
13:15Ooh.
13:16What that is is an extremely generic song
13:19that pretty much everybody likes.
13:21Do you have a phone?
13:24Do you have a phone?
13:26Do you have a phone?
13:27Do you have a phone?
13:28Do you have a phone?
13:29Phone.
13:30And if so, what make is it?
13:34Do you have a phone?
13:35And if so, what make is it?
13:37They have a Samsung.
13:38Okay.
13:39Okay, I think they're maybe older.
13:41Do you remember the war?
13:44Yeah, I do remember the war.
13:45I was born before the war.
13:46Which war?
13:50The Falklands?
13:51Oh, no, actually, I'm gonna go with Iraq.
13:53It says this is the new Samsung phone,
13:55and then it says Iraq, and then no after that.
13:57I don't understand what's going on here.
13:59Do you remember when the Mars rover went to Mars?
14:03No.
14:04Just no?
14:05Yeah.
14:06What age would that suggest?
14:08Maybe younger?
14:09What's your favourite movie?
14:10What's your favourite movie?
14:11I'm just trying to think.
14:13Checks me back.
14:19This is like dating in my 20s again,
14:21where I'm really keeping the conversation going.
14:24Don't wanna put anything on here.
14:26Their favourite movie is Braveheart.
14:28Okay, they're older.
14:31You at school?
14:33I don't feel like that's an appropriate question
14:35to ask anyone.
14:36Are you at school?
14:38Yes, so they've gotta be 14.
14:42Who is your celebrity crush?
14:45Monroe?
14:47Okay, Marilyn.
14:49Okay, that makes me think they're even older than I thought.
14:5314.
14:5457 years old.
14:57Thank you, Ben.
14:58This is a person who's a little older, I reckon.
15:03Oh, he's so cute.
15:04He's so cute.
15:08It was very hot in there,
15:09I don't know if you could tell.
15:11Yeah, it's not a sweaty video, is it?
15:13A bit flustered.
15:14A bit flustered.
15:15Abi, he did seem like he was taking a while to text back.
15:19Yeah, he was.
15:20It was pretty stressful.
15:21It kind of felt like being back in the dating scene again,
15:24and I'm like, oh.
15:25And he seemed ambivalent on me.
15:27He seemed to think I was weird.
15:33Okay, so Paul, how did everything go?
15:36Abi guessed 57.
15:38He was 78.
15:4021 years off, he easily sent the fewest texts.
15:45Ben's guess, 14.
15:47He was nine.
15:50So five years off.
15:51All right, we've got one comedian left, Paul.
15:54That's right, Jeremy.
15:55It's time for Chris Parker to try to defend this.
15:58Oh, no.
16:00Hello, stranger.
16:02How old are you?
16:05Old enough.
16:06Well, it's a special event
16:11that happened the year you were born.
16:14Tupac died.
16:17You know what?
16:17I don't even know when Tupac died.
16:20Did he even die?
16:22How many years did Tupac die?
16:24Don't you know when Tupac died, you dumbass?
16:32Oh, I'm a dumbass now.
16:34Where do you live?
16:35You're going to see Tupac when I find you there.
16:40Let's see who's a dumbass now.
16:45Come find me then, you bitch.
16:48Who was the captain of the Opecs when you were?
16:52No idea.
16:53No idea, old man.
16:55Oh, I'm an old man now.
16:56I say, why do you text so slow?
16:59Are your fingers too big for the keyboard?
17:01Ask your mom.
17:02Ask your mom.
17:06You want a scrap, eh?
17:07Yes, please.
17:09Yes, I'm in the caravan.
17:11He's going to kill me.
17:18You OK?
17:20I don't see him.
17:23What does that mean?
17:24It's Tonga.
17:26Come docks, come scrap.
17:32I'll tell you what, Chris,
17:33that one really took a turn, didn't it?
17:35I'm just surprised Baba texted back.
17:37Yeah.
17:38I'm really pleased that we didn't pair Tofinga up
17:41with any of the children.
17:44So Tofinga guessed 27.
17:46Yeah.
17:47Baba is 27.
17:49Wow.
17:50Yay!
17:51Oh, goodness.
17:52OK.
17:53That means one point for Tom,
17:55two points for Abby, who was 21 years off,
17:57five years off, three points for Ben.
18:00Tofinga, the correct age, and Hayley, the correct age,
18:04five points each?
18:05Yeah, absolutely.
18:06Five points each.
18:06Well done.
18:08Well done.
18:11Now seems like a really, really good time
18:13to have an episode score.
18:16Out in first with a perfect 10 points,
18:19it's Tofinga.
18:24Is there another task for us, Paul?
18:25I hope you brought your passport, Jeremy,
18:27because this time we're going international.
18:41Knock, knock.
18:43Permission to come aboard?
18:44Permission granted.
18:45OK.
18:47Oh, far out.
18:51Invent a new country.
18:54You must create a detailed and informative tourism video.
18:57Promoting your country.
18:58Best new country wins.
19:00Got 45 minutes, starting now.
19:05Oh, here it is here.
19:06What do I want out of a country?
19:08Stone fruits?
19:10Did you say stone fruits?
19:11Yeah, it's like paradise.
19:13Fresh fruit?
19:13Because my country's going to be tropical.
19:15OK.
19:16We need really good cuisine based mostly around bananas.
19:22Like a country that's just continental.
19:24For some reason, I'm thinking about continental chocolates.
19:27Notable people.
19:29Jean-Pierre.
19:30Yeah.
19:31Paul Williams.
19:32Can you be in the video?
19:33If you want.
19:34Continentalia.
19:35The name is based on continental chocolates.
19:38Yeah, do they ever make-
19:38Discontinued, I think.
19:39Do they not make them anymore?
19:41Sugar Skate.
19:44Abby, to be honest, when the main thing that you were focused on
19:48with your country was stone fruit,
19:50I thought, well, that's pretty odd.
19:51But then Hayley picked it up straight away
19:52and she was into the fruit as well.
19:54Yeah, bananas.
19:55Could you imagine, like, walking along and being like, a nectarine?
20:02I can, actually.
20:03I've done that quite a few times.
20:05Abby, what's the most elegant fruit?
20:09A plum.
20:10Surely it's a ladyfinger.
20:13Yeah, a banana.
20:14Mm.
20:15Yeah.
20:16A banana looks like a penis.
20:19I'm just not feeling what the problem is there.
20:21Sorry, you've got some.
20:23A penis is not the most elegant genital.
20:29Okay, are we done?
20:30Yeah.
20:33Back to you.
20:34I've packed my bags and I'm ready to go, Paul.
20:36Which fictional country are we heading to first?
20:38First stop, it's Paulenga with Tofenga.
20:42Soramokapachi, from the beautiful island of Paulenga.
20:46I want to tell you about the most beautiful place in the world.
20:49And when you greet people, you say,
20:51Soramokapachi, which means, hi, how are ya?
20:54Let's hopefully hook up, and then after that we can chill
20:57and watch some rugby league.
20:59Soramokapachi.
21:01Now here in Paulenga, we have a population
21:03of 500 million people.
21:06On a small island, it's summer all year round.
21:10That's right, beautiful tan, nice chocolate brown, yeah.
21:15The Paulengan people, they are called harararararararabanda.
21:22What are you filming?
21:24You're dancing, isn't it?
21:25What?
21:26You're hararabanda dance.
21:33And what's even better is when they dance
21:36and sing at the same time.
21:39It's really incredible, you come to the country
21:41so you can see us dance and sing at the same time.
21:44So why won't you visit Paulenga?
21:46Most beautiful island in the world.
21:48Yeehee, sohoo, Soramokapachi.
21:57500 million people on a tiny island, paradise.
22:03Yeah, so that would make it the...
22:07Third.
22:08Third most populous place in the world.
22:09Yes, China, India, Paulenga, United States of America.
22:15That dance is good.
22:16Yes.
22:17You can do that dance again for us.
22:18Yes please.
22:20Come on.
22:28Wow.
22:29It originates because you have to kick everyone
22:31out of the way.
22:32Yeah.
22:32Okay, I'd love to see some more countries
22:35and I will after these ads.
22:51Nomai Anu, welcome back to Taskmaster.
22:53Who's next Paul?
22:54She likes to live her life in a precious way.
22:57Showcasing precious land, it's Abbey Howells.
23:02Hello, my name is Abbey Howells
23:05and I am the ambassador for precious land.
23:07Garden of Eden, look out.
23:09We have an abundance of stone fruit.
23:12Juicy and delicious.
23:13We have an active volcano.
23:15It took out our whole financial district
23:18and has contributed to many of our financial woes.
23:21I'm coming at you live from the toilet
23:23because that's where our economy is right now.
23:26Our head friend gave away all of our oil
23:29for some magic beans.
23:31This is Jean-Pierre, one of our nation's top exports.
23:35And look how sad he is because of all the poverty.
23:38Something must be done.
23:39The people of precious land need you
23:42and we need your money.
23:44So please donate now, please.
23:47Our economy is in ruins.
23:55Abbey, would you say that that's a tourism video
23:58or more of a plea for help?
24:00Yeah, so I was creating all this stuff
24:02like precious land has healing spray
24:03and it has palm fruit,
24:04but I was like, but it also has to have some realistic stuff
24:07and I guess poverty.
24:09And then I got really focused on the poverty.
24:14And that's what happened.
24:15But who say a country needs to be rich to be great?
24:18Look at Monaco, what are they doing?
24:22Paul, I'm ready for another ad, please.
24:24We've seen Paulinga, now showcasing Paulandia.
24:28It's Tom Sainsbury.
24:29Welcome to Paulandia.
24:32Welcome to paradise, where Paul Williams is king.
24:38Hello.
24:39Paulandia has so many beautiful tourist attractions
24:43like the lake.
24:45Paulandia has so many fun activities
24:48like looking at the lake.
24:51Paulandia, where the peoples are blue-eyed
24:54and musically gifted.
25:00And the national flower is flower.
25:05And the national bird is a hat-wearing duck.
25:07Hello.
25:09And now we will sing the Paulandia national anthem.
25:12Hit it.
25:13Quack.
25:16Quackity quack.
25:18Quack all day.
25:20Quack, quack, quack.
25:23Quack.
25:27So come to Paulandia.
25:30Come to paradise.
25:40Okay, Tom.
25:41How do you feel about that national anthem?
25:43Because I've just written down here, not good.
25:48I should have done the kind of English version of it.
25:50I was doing the national language,
25:52which obviously you can't interpret.
25:53It's a full, rich, kind of encouraging, you know,
25:56Paulandia, like there's a whole thing to it.
25:57What's the translation?
25:58Well, yeah, do it for us now, that'd be great.
26:00Yeah, okay, great.
26:01Paulandia is great.
26:04Paulandia is fair.
26:06I love Paulandia.
26:08We all love Paulandia.
26:10We are here for...
26:12Paulandia.
26:17Okay.
26:19You're right.
26:20In the translated version, the melody changes as well.
26:22Yeah.
26:23Right, okay.
26:24Okay, we've got another one.
26:26Here with the next stop on our big OE,
26:29Majoraland, it's Hayley Sproul.
26:34Bananas, oh, hello.
26:36And welcome from Majoraland, here in the sexies.
26:39I am Queen Menorah, and this is my country,
26:43where everything is sexy and there is champagne on tap.
26:46Thank you, slave.
26:47Let me show you around.
26:51First things first, you might be thinking,
26:53Queen Menorah, why so many bananas?
26:56That's because everything in Majoraland
26:58resemble my favorite thing, bananas.
27:03Kill her!
27:10More bananas.
27:12Of course, you are also thinking,
27:13Queen Menorah, you're so beautiful.
27:15Well, everybody in Majoraland beautiful.
27:17And if you're born with ugly dog face, we fix for free.
27:21He's on waiting list.
27:23And finally, everybody in Majoraland polyamory and bisexual.
27:27Where is banana Monday?
27:29Taco Tuesday.
27:33So, if you want to live a life that is drunk,
27:36beautiful, and bisexual, come to Majoraland.
27:40Girl, I want female slave today.
27:43Where is female slave?
27:45It's Taco Tuesday.
27:52I think good use of the accent there, not too cancellable.
27:56No.
27:57You know, just a little bit.
27:58Where is it from, you know?
27:59A little bit Romania, a little bit South American.
28:01Yeah.
28:02I think it was Melania Trump.
28:03Yeah, it was, in so many ways.
28:06In so many ways.
28:08Yeah, Majoraland is a really beautiful, sexy place and...
28:12A beautiful, sexy place where slavery is still legal.
28:15But only for those who have not yet fixed their faces.
28:18Yeah.
28:19But only for those who have not yet fixed their faces.
28:24Okay, we've got one country left to visit, Paul.
28:26Where is it?
28:27Life is like a box of chocolates.
28:29You never know what you're going to get.
28:31Except in this instance,
28:32when I tell you that you're going to get Ben Hurley
28:35talking to you about a country made of chocolate.
28:38Hello and wow.
28:40Welcome to Continentalia.
28:43We are an entire continent country land
28:46and I am the Prime Minister, Wally Winker.
28:49We are based on those chocolates that your parents like.
28:52And some people think we've been discontinued.
28:55Not true, Paul.
28:56Not true.
28:57Let's take a look.
28:58We have the Hazelnut Mountains.
29:01You'd have to be nuts to climb these.
29:04The Great Dessert Desert.
29:06There's no water, but there is delicious milk chocolate.
29:12The Milk Swirl Geyser.
29:14And the ancient Praline Pyramids.
29:18Legend has it, nobody actually knows what praline is.
29:23And the best part is,
29:24there are no dangers in Continentalia.
29:27Except diabetes.
29:29Continentalia.
29:31Yum.
29:41Wally Winker, can you do that walk for us?
29:44That was special.
29:50Wally Winker, Wally Winker.
29:52You know what?
29:53It was either me or Timothee Chalamet for that, right?
29:55Yeah.
29:56So what happens if you're allergic to chocolate
29:59in this particular country?
30:01Oh, you go to Fannyland or whatever.
30:04Okay.
30:05I suppose I've got to think,
30:07where's the place that I would most want to go?
30:10You know, that's the only way to judge it.
30:12In this country, I would never want to go to that country.
30:15That's one point for Abbey.
30:17I would also not like to go to Ben's country.
30:22He'll get two points.
30:23I'm going to go three points for Tom,
30:27four points for Tofinga,
30:30and five points for Hayley.
30:32Loves the Fanny.
30:35Well, good to see the Taskmaster is pro-slavery.
30:39Yeah.
30:41No, he's just pro-Fanny, man.
30:44Slave to the Fanny.
30:51Okay, that's it for part three.
30:52We'll give you a few moments to book your tickets
30:54to Polandia to see the rare-headed duck
30:57and stare at a lake.
30:58We'll see you after this.
30:59A koe nang.
31:10Welcome back to Taskmaster.
31:12And to our viewers from Polandia,
31:14salomo kapu chi.
31:16It's our final episode of the season.
31:18The scoreboard is looking tight,
31:19and I believe, Paul Williams,
31:21we have just one filmed task to go.
31:24We certainly do, Jeremy.
31:25And I could not think of a better way to wrap things up.
31:28We certainly do, Jeremy.
31:31And I could not think of a better way to wrap things up.
31:40Ah.
31:41Hi, Paul.
31:42Hello, Abby.
31:44Hello, Taufinga.
31:44Hello, Paul.
31:46What have you got here?
31:48Food pyramid.
31:49Updated from the one that we used to get.
31:52Okay, why is there a microphone there?
31:54Testing, testing.
31:55Do you have a favourite one of those groups?
31:57They don't have, like, sugar on here.
31:59If you don't do drugs, it's like the next best thing.
32:02Here we go.
32:04Pick a food group.
32:06I'm gonna go vegetables.
32:08Greens.
32:09Dairy.
32:10All right, I'm just gonna go meat.
32:12Fruit.
32:15Ooh.
32:17Ha ha ha ha ha.
32:19Write and perform a rap.
32:21Advocating for why your food group is the best.
32:24Best verse wins.
32:26You have 30 minutes.
32:27Your time starts now.
32:29Do you start with yo, yo, yo?
32:32Would you like to hear the music?
32:33Yes.
32:34Okay.
32:36Yo.
32:36Yo.
32:38I'm gonna start with yo.
32:40Nice.
32:42Yeah.
32:43Beef.
32:47Queef.
32:48Probably not that.
32:54Okay, bringing the house down already.
32:56We haven't even started, but.
32:58What's your favourite vegetable?
32:59Potato.
33:00Do you know I don't really like potatoes?
33:02Not even as fries.
33:04You want a pineapple?
33:05Come, be my guest.
33:07Dim where my berry's at.
33:09What if I exclusively use the C word
33:12so you can't broadcast anything that I say?
33:16Just be like, beep, beep, beep, milk.
33:20I'm gonna do that.
33:25All right, Paul,
33:26assuming these raps are actually broadcastable,
33:29whose verse are we gonna hear first?
33:31Here they are all at once.
33:36Hey, yo, yo.
33:38It's your girl.
33:40Bout to spin some fables about veggie tables.
33:45Hey, yo, veggies, veggies, get them on your plates.
33:48Serve them to your farno, serve them to your mates.
33:51Mash them, boil them, stick them in a pan.
33:54Carrot, garlic, broccoli, and curcumcum.
33:57And a cauliflower eggplant, I'll feed them all.
34:00But not a fan of potatoes, I'm like Paul.
34:03Spinach leaves, snap peas, onions, and leeks.
34:06I'm a father-loving, carriage-munching, vegetable freak.
34:09Come on, all you birdies, don't get scurvy.
34:12Whether you a skinny bee or whether you a curvy.
34:15Come on, all you birdies, don't get scurvy.
34:18Whether you a skinny bee or whether you a curvy.
34:21Yeah, that's right.
34:22If you're a delicious animal,
34:24you might wanna put your hooves over your ears.
34:27If you like cheese, spinach, or bean,
34:30I'm coming at you with a brand new protein.
34:33There's nothing quite like a nice bit of beef
34:36that sticks around in your colon and your teeth.
34:39That's crabby, baloney, corned beef, and spam.
34:42But if you like it fresh, then you're probably trying lamb.
34:45In medieval times, the lord of a castle
34:48would get folks around to do some fossage.
34:51I like meat so much that in my spare time,
34:55I take a, I keep a sausage hostage.
34:57Not all red, but kind of meat I'm picking.
35:00I'm feeling healthy.
35:01I've probably chucked some steamed chicken.
35:03So take the fruit, veg, out of your dish you're making
35:06and listen to the wisdom and rhymes of Beef Bacon.
35:09The MC4 and the Oversize.
35:15Men should stay grazed.
35:16They are the best.
35:17Let me tell you why they're better than the rest.
35:20Raw meat, they may taste nice, no doubt.
35:24But everyone knows too much will give you some gout.
35:26If you like grazed, then you have made it.
35:29Vegetables, fruits, and dairy are overrated.
35:33Tent, wheat, oats, rice, corn, barley, rye, millet.
35:39Grains are the best.
35:40They are better than the rest.
35:42Grains are the best, fricking better than the rest.
35:44Yeah, boy.
35:46That's the shit, man.
35:48Grains are the best, fricking better than the rest.
35:50Food, you ask, is easy to digest.
35:53Want a pineapple?
35:55Come be my guest.
35:56Black, brass, goose, poison, and blue.
35:59Where my berries at?
36:01Yeah, they're my crew.
36:03Banana.
36:05Banana.
36:06Banana.
36:08Banana.
36:09Banana.
36:11Where my berries at?
36:12Banana.
36:14Banana, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
36:19This song goes all out.
36:24This is poo, won't go.
36:27This goes out to all the cows.
36:31Dairy.
36:34Dairy.
36:36Dairy, delicious cheese.
36:40Delicious.
36:42Cottage cheese.
36:44Cream.
36:47Cottage cheese.
36:50Sour cream.
36:53Cream, delicious.
36:55Cheese.
37:03Very good.
37:04Really good.
37:05Very, very good.
37:07Although I have to say, the last image of Taskmaster Season 5
37:11will be Abbey Howells underneath the desk saying,
37:14cottage cheese, f***.
37:21Nobody deserves to get one.
37:24No.
37:25I think...
37:26Look, the fact that I didn't hear...
37:28There were probably four words that I heard of Abbey's
37:30means that it's hard to rate you highly.
37:32So, unfortunately, I'm going to have to give Abbey two.
37:35I'm going to go...
37:36No, not Abbey.
37:41I'm going to go Tom three, good flow,
37:44but got a little bit focused on bananas there towards the end.
37:47Really?
37:49I liked Toffinger because I liked a socially conscious rapper.
37:53Yeah.
37:54So, three points there.
37:56Four points for Ben Hurley,
37:58and I think five points for Hayley.
38:00She was very good.
38:02H.J. Sprizzle.
38:03It's H.J. Sprizzle.
38:05That's right.
38:07OK, time for a quick break,
38:09and when we return, we'll find out which comedian
38:12will be the official champion of Taskmaster Season 5.
38:16Don't miss it.
38:17We'll see you soon.
38:24Welcome back to the Season Finale of Taskmaster.
38:27There's still one more task to complete,
38:30but before we get to that, Paul,
38:32can we have a scoreboard update, please?
38:35Leading the pack by the slimmest of margins,
38:38it's Toffinger for Pulea'i.
38:40OK, everyone, please head up to the stage
38:43for the final task of the season.
38:46It's Toffinger for Pulea'i.
38:49Everyone, please head up to the stage
38:51for the final task of the season.
38:59All right, Paul, who's reading out the final task?
39:02Abbie Howells.
39:03Congrats, Abbie.
39:04Thank you. Huge for me.
39:08One by one, place an item on the table.
39:12On your turn, you will have 10 seconds to place an item.
39:16Once you have touched an item,
39:18that is the item you must place.
39:20If placing causes any item to fall,
39:23you will be eliminated.
39:25Last person standing wins.
39:28On my whistle.
39:30WHISTLE BLOWS
39:31MUSIC
39:39Oh!
39:44Oh!
39:47Oh, good pocket. Well done.
39:56Oh.
40:03Oh!
40:06Yeah. Right. Yep, yep.
40:17Three seconds. Yes!
40:21Oh, no. Four seconds.
40:23You've got it, you've got it, you've got it.
40:25Abbie, Abbie, Abbie, Abbie!
40:27WHISTLE BLOWS
40:28Wow!
40:36Oh!
40:37Hayley is eliminated. The umbrella fell.
40:40The umbrella can be re-stacked.
40:42Oh.
40:44Oh, no.
40:48Yes, yes.
40:50No, no.
40:53Three seconds.
40:57WHISTLE BLOWS
40:58Oh!
41:00Oh, my God.
41:08Oh, yes.
41:10Come on, Hills, it's going to be soon.
41:13Oh!
41:19Oh!
41:29Oh, no!
41:31Oh, shit!
41:34Oh, Abbie.
41:43Oh!
41:49Three seconds.
41:51Oh!
41:52WHISTLE BLOWS
41:54Oh!
41:55So close. So close.
41:59Five seconds.
42:01Lovely.
42:04Oh!
42:09Come on, Alice.
42:13Three seconds.
42:14Oh, man.
42:15Come on, you've got it, Abs, you've got it, Abs!
42:17WHISTLE BLOWS
42:18Oh!
42:19Abbie's dying too!
42:21Oh!
42:22The winner of the live task is Tom Sainsbury.
42:26Good stuff, guys.
42:28All right, come on down.
42:30We'll add up the scores and find out the winner of the episode in Season 5.
42:38All right, what a game that was.
42:40So, one point for Hayley, two points for Ben,
42:43three points for Tofinga, four points for Abbie,
42:45and five points for the winner of the live task, Tom Sainsbury.
42:49Yes, Tom!
42:50Finally.
42:51Well done, Tommy.
42:52So, where does that leave us for the episode, Paul?
42:55That means the winner of Episode 10, with 20 points,
42:59represented by Chris Parker, it's Tofinga!
43:02Congratulations, Chris Parker!
43:04On behalf of Tofinga Whipoliyahi,
43:07please go up and enjoy your long-lasting items
43:10for an appropriate length of time
43:12before coming back down for the prize that really matters.
43:15Once again, Chris Parker, ladies and gentlemen, Tofinga!
43:29All right, this is it, the moment of truth.
43:31It's time to announce the winner of Season 5,
43:34and what a season it has been.
43:37From incredibly accurate tennis ball throws
43:40to incredibly inaccurate biopics.
43:43From New Year's resolutions to goal-scoring French revolutions,
43:46we have seen it all.
43:48And it's all led us to this, Paul.
43:51Would you please read out the winner of Taskmaster Season 5?
43:55In fifth place, with 147 points, Abbie Howells.
44:01In fourth place, with 156 points, it's Tofinga Whipoliyahi.
44:10In one point in front of him, with 157 points,
44:14in third place, it's Tom Sainsbury.
44:21In second place, with 160 points, it's Ben Hurley.
44:31The winner of Taskmaster New Zealand Season 5,
44:36with 166 points, it's Hayley Sproul!
44:46Well done.
44:51Please join me in offering a huge congratulations
44:54to the winner of the season, Hayley Sproul!
44:57Thank you so much for joining us.
44:59Look out for yourselves. We'll see you again soon.
45:01Good night, Aotearoa.