At the lowest point in his life, Darren found Islam. As a Chinese Muslim, he reckons with the complexities of identity, of conflicting culture, and fitting in.
This video contains mature themes. Parental guidance is advised for children below 13.
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This video contains mature themes. Parental guidance is advised for children below 13.
Watch more: https://www.asiaone.com/video
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00:00I am 29 this year, I'm Chinese, I'm Muslim as well.
00:14Currently studying again, back at NUS, I went back for a postgraduate in law.
00:24I was a trouble kid.
00:25I've landed in hospital because I tried killing myself.
00:29Islam kind of saved my life in that sense.
00:30To this day, I still regard Islam as having saved my life.
00:33I was constantly drunk, I was constantly trying to numb myself from a lot of things.
00:38I had a very troubled childhood, I struggled with mental health problems a lot.
00:59We're at Bawi Mosque, which is actually a mosque that I have very fond memories of.
01:08When I first came into this mosque, I was already Muslim.
01:11But I remember I came with a group of students and we met with the imam of the mosque, Khalif Hassan.
01:18He shared some pretty interesting anecdotes on his own life, basically, when he was younger.
01:23Which really opened my eyes to how Muslims approach different issues.
01:28Imam, I learned there can be differing views.
01:31And I think Habib talked about how he had neighbours who would bring him food
01:35from differing races, different religions.
01:37And of course, they understood his dietary restrictions.
01:40But beyond that, there was that level of trust and understanding
01:42that you would not give me something that I cannot take.
01:45In that sense, it kind of opened my mind to, you know,
01:47you don't have to be constantly second-guessing everything.
01:50I did not study Islam in, I would say, the healthiest ways.
01:55I basically went online.
01:57Please don't do that.
01:59So when I first started out, like the first two years probably,
02:02I guess it would be what some people would call a Salafi.
02:05So I was quite literalist, quite strict about certain things.
02:08My own Muslim friends gave me that look.
02:10It's like, okay, Darren, okay.
02:12Over the years, I've come to learn that there's a big variety.
02:17I mean, the Muslim tradition is a very broad, very rich one.
02:21You don't last for so many hundreds and thousands of years
02:24without that capacity for accommodation
02:28and without a breadth of views.
02:30It just doesn't happen.
02:34I think the biggest challenge for me is
02:37to be able to make a living out of it.
02:40It all started with a dream
02:42when I was experiencing some of like the lowest moments in my life.
02:46And I had a dream of the Ka'bah.
02:50I dreamt of myself viewing the Ka'bah from a bird's-eye view.
02:55And I felt a voice tell me,
02:57just lay down all of your burdens and face Makkah.
03:01I had to ask, actually, some of my Muslim classmates.
03:04And then I was like, okay, I'm going to do this.
03:06I'm going to do this.
03:07I'm going to do this.
03:08And then she explained, it's the direction of prayer.
03:11So when Muslims pray all around the world, they all face Makkah.
03:14I was like, whoa, like where did this come from?
03:16And so that kind of spooked me a little bit.
03:17And that's how I started studying and learning a bit more.
03:21So during this period, I started with like,
03:23oh, maybe not Ipohk anymore.
03:25I stopped drinking.
03:26So in that sense,
03:27it also coupled together with healthier changes in my life.
03:30And my parents could see it.
03:32That's kind of why it became easier for them to accept also
03:35when I eventually told them flat out like,
03:36yeah, I'm going to convert.
03:38My mum just said,
03:39I can see that you're happier now.
03:42You're happier.
03:42You're a better person.
03:43You're no longer struggling with all of these things
03:46that you were struggling with before.
03:54So I just eat out most of the time.
03:57Or order in if I'm feeling lazy.
04:02This is the one that recently reopened.
04:05I don't want to jinx it.
04:07But let's just say that it's like the third or fourth coffee shop
04:09that has opened in this slot since I moved in.
04:15This is the other coffee shop.
04:17It's quite glorious, right?
04:18Like it's a full coffee shop.
04:21Not a single choice.
04:22I don't have anything that I can have here.
04:24Like this is not an uncommon experience.
04:26It's not the first time that I've been to a coffee shop or a food court
04:29and then realised, oh, there's really nothing I can have here.
04:31Then no choice, I'll walk somewhere else.
04:36That's the thing about culture, right?
04:39You don't think about it enough.
04:40Unless you're in a situation where you are an outsider.
04:44Then it's obvious to you that, oh, you know, something is different.
04:47I'm not getting this.
04:48Or you all seem to have some kind of inside joke
04:50that I don't seem to understand.
04:51I am in this position now, so I can see.
04:54But when I was in Muslim Society,
04:56I heard this feedback that, you know,
04:59a lot of the things that we do,
05:00the basic assumption is, yeah, we're all Muslims, yes.
05:02But the majority is Malay.
05:05So sometimes the cultural references that you make,
05:07the things that you talk about,
05:09make some of the non-Malay Muslims feel left out.
05:12I mean, I am not, in fact, I don't feel as bad
05:15because a lot of my own friends are Malay.
05:17So like, I'm very culturally attuned, I guess.
05:20Like, sure, Muslims are minority.
05:21But if you're in a situation where you are the majority,
05:25like in a Muslim Society or in a particular context,
05:28then you're going to have the same blind spot
05:30because you are the majority.
05:32You're not going to think of, like, the non-Malay Muslims.
05:36Usually, if you are speaking to a fellow Muslim
05:40and then they find out that I'm a revert, I'm a convert,
05:43first thing they'll say,
05:44Mashallah.
05:45But with my own family,
05:47the first response was a little bit more measured
05:50because my own family is quite, I guess, mixed religiously.
05:54I have other branches of the family
05:56that are Christian, for example.
05:58They did ask, like, why, you know?
05:59Because if you enter Christianity,
06:01then, you know, it's another common space for the family.
06:05But, you know, I'm the only Muslim now
06:07in my entire extended family.
06:09It's a bit isolating in that sense
06:11because religion is faith, yes,
06:13but there's also social elements, right?
06:15I won't be able to, for example, go to mosque with family
06:18and at the same time, I don't, I mean,
06:20I wouldn't go to church with my Christian relatives, for example.
06:23So there was that bit of apprehension.
06:27My own parents, who are not very religious in any direction,
06:31they themselves were quite concerned, I guess, in one way.
06:35My mum was practical stuff.
06:37It was like, how am I going to cook for you?
06:39But for my dad, it was security in a sense
06:41because when I was learning about Islam,
06:46it was during the ISIS period
06:48and so for him, it was quite concerning.
06:51He actually asked my mum, like, I learned this a bit later.
06:53He asked my mum in private,
06:55is our son okay?
06:56Is he, you know, being exposed to certain things?
07:00And when it came down to me,
07:02then I told him, like, you've got Muslim friends, you know?
07:05Like, some of your best uncle friends in the neighbourhood
07:09are Muslim.
07:09You're Babar.
07:10He's on very good terms with, you know?
07:12I said, do you not realise?
07:14Like, it's Singapore.
07:15There's so many Muslims here.
07:22Now we're going to go into a room.
07:24It's a bit like a museum.
07:27You have sahafs and translations from places like Europe.
07:33This one, the Quran.
07:34So it's German.
07:35You have, I remember, I think there's Dutch also
07:37if I remember correctly.
07:41Oh, yes, here.
07:43This, I remember, this really jumped out at me
07:45because you have a Torah here,
07:48which is the Jewish holy book.
07:50And I guess this is like the interfaith corner
07:54because you have the Sikh holy book as well.
07:56I mean, I've learned a little bit about different religions.
07:58So I'm a little bit familiar with
08:01what some of these traditions are about.
08:04I mean, we live in a time where,
08:07especially if you consider a lot of Western media,
08:09then your perception of Muslims
08:11is going to be a bit skewed in that sense
08:12because in the West, the perception of Muslims
08:14is always like, oh, they're very exclusivist.
08:16They don't like to mix around.
08:17Over here, for example, in the middle of the mosque,
08:20you have artefacts from Judaism.
08:24I mean, you've got Christian Bibles as well.
08:26You have Hindu texts as well.
08:28I mean, there's a lot of mutual respect.
08:30And it's by exposure to places like Balui, for example,
08:33where I see the virtue, in a sense,
08:36of multi-religiosity, multicultural.
08:39I mean, in a sense, my family is multi-religious now, right?
08:42We live in a world where we can live together.
08:46We can co-exist.
08:48There shouldn't be so much fear, I guess,
08:50and apprehension about going
08:51into somebody else's place of worship.
08:56At the end of the day, I'm still Chinese, right?
08:58And my family is not Muslim.
08:59So a lot of Muslims in Singapore,
09:01and everywhere, actually,
09:02eat usually is super family-oriented.
09:05So for me, Raya is usually a lot less festive
09:09because everybody's busy with their own family.
09:11And my family, to them, it's like just another day.
09:14Raya is when I get really reminded
09:16that I'm still an outsider,
09:17in a sense of like, my family is not Muslim.
09:27For iftar, it's just me at home.
09:30And because my family doesn't even cook,
09:33so it is, it can get quite depressing.
09:36But like recently, I think like just last week,
09:38I had a friend of mine invite me
09:40over to his place for iftar.
09:42So I was like, wow, this is such a nice experience
09:46to be able to iftar with, you know,
09:49like other people in a home setting,
09:52because it was home-cooked food,
09:53which I've not had in a very long time.
09:56Okay, thank you.
10:12I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything in particular
10:14because I'm quite used to it already.
10:18But the family aspect definitely is something that
10:20it does sometimes hit me
10:22because like when I speak to my own friends,
10:24then they will obviously be talking about
10:25how the pre-dawn meal,
10:27maybe with their family and for iftar also.
10:29I think for most people,
10:30especially the first week of Ramadan,
10:32they tend to make it a point
10:33that they want to go home and breakfast with the family.
10:35So when I hear them talk about that,
10:37then obviously I'll be like,
10:39I mean, sounds fun, sounds nice.
10:41But I don't have that.
10:43I won't deny, right,
10:45that if your family is from the same faith as you,
10:48it helps.
10:49I don't have that connection
10:51when it comes to the family side of things.
10:53So when I see that,
10:55I do feel a bit like,
10:56wow, if only, you know.
11:04I've known for a very long time
11:05that I'm quite different.
11:07I'm very comfortable with who I am
11:08and I think the world's a free place.
11:11And if anything,
11:13my journey into Islam has also taught me that
11:16we must all be able to respect people for being different.
11:19So, you know, I've never issued this.
11:20And in fact, people who haven't issued it,
11:23don't stay very long in my life.
11:53you