#acharyaprashant
Video Information: IIT Kharagpur, 04.02.2022, Greater Noida, India
Context:
~ How to coup with today's changing situations?
~ How to remain unaffected by the vicissitudes of life?
~ How to realize one's true strength?
~ How to say "NO" without any hesitation?
~ Is saying "NO" is a guilt?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
Video Information: IIT Kharagpur, 04.02.2022, Greater Noida, India
Context:
~ How to coup with today's changing situations?
~ How to remain unaffected by the vicissitudes of life?
~ How to realize one's true strength?
~ How to say "NO" without any hesitation?
~ Is saying "NO" is a guilt?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00Acharyaji, I have somehow discovered that being a little altruistic, being a little selfless, does make me feel that I am elevating my consciousness, that is what works for me.
00:16And there is this one problem associated with this kind of nature is the problem of violation of boundaries.
00:25So suppose that I want to help this person and I may put in effort to help this person, this is
00:35inherently linked with a kind of guilt at some point of time if I choose not to help that person.
00:41This leads me to violate my own interests at times, this makes me feel guilty when I want
00:49to say no, this makes me not call out people who have mistreated me or in such scenarios.
00:56So how do we deal with this? How do we define that boundary that up to this boundary I am ready to
01:04commit extra, but then when this boundary is crossed, this is it. How do we define that?
01:10See, altruistic behavior or helpfulness, these are not ends in themselves.
01:26However, they are often recommended or taught because mostly they go
01:43hand in hand with an elevated state of consciousness, mostly, but not always.
01:57You have to remember what is the end and what is just a medium.
02:08Helpfulness is a medium, not an end in itself. You have to ask,
02:14is the helpfulness really delivering what anything is supposed to deliver,
02:22what anything must deliver to be of any worth?
02:29If helpfulness is delivering that, only then what you are doing can be called as
02:35help in the real sense of the word. Otherwise, it is not help.
02:42Somebody comes begging to you, help me, help me, please help me.
02:46Give me some cocaine, please help me and he is desperate, he is crying, he is begging.
02:58The only help he seeks from you is the powder that he wants.
03:06Now here, you have to be very clear about the real meaning of the word help.
03:16Now, in this instance, help as we usually know it is not aligned with elevation of consciousness.
03:30As we normally use the word help, help is about giving something to the one who desperately
03:40needs it. A fellow comes begging desperately for something, you give that thing to that person,
03:46it is called help. That is the normal usage of the word.
03:52But here, this case highlights clearly how help can be very disastrous,
04:01which means that help etc., all the so-called good qualities
04:06are not ends in themselves. Any good quality is good only to the extent it elevates consciousness.
04:16Beyond that, that good quality is of no use. Beyond that, that good quality is in fact bad.
04:26Now because we do not know that the real objective is consciousness itself,
04:30hence we keep overdoing the so-called good things.
04:36And also we keep absolutely rejecting the so-called bad things.
04:44Now giving poison to someone is a bad thing, right?
04:52Giving poison to someone is a bad thing, is it not? Generally, yes.
04:58What else do you give as antivenom to a person suffering from snake bite?
05:06Antivenom. But if you tell someone, you know, I just poisoned him.
05:13You give somebody an antivenom shot and then go and tell a random stranger on the road,
05:18there is a person inside, I poisoned him. He will declare you a criminal. He will probably
05:23call the police. This fellow just poisoned somebody. The fact is that poison in this case
05:31is life-saving. So even poison is not something necessarily to be avoided.
05:44Help is not necessarily good. Poison is not necessarily bad. These are not ends in themselves.
05:50The end has to be remembered. The end in the case of human beings, our species,
05:57is consciousness. What is this thing doing to my mind? How do I know whether a relationship
06:02is good or not? Ask, what is it doing to my mind? No other criteria is valid. Only this.
06:12What is it doing to my mind? The mind's nature is realization, freedom, simplicity,
06:21truth. Is this relationship setting me free? Is it bringing me closer to the truth?
06:29Or is it pushing me into deeper bondage?
06:36So always remember the one thing that you need to remember. All else is secondary.
06:42We all know how important vaccines are and you for sure know as students of science,
06:58what you put into your body as vaccine, what is it? Weakened or dead germs.
07:07It's a diluted dose of the virus itself. So even getting infected is not necessarily bad.
07:16That's what all the research labs and WHO and all the doctors are doing.
07:22They're putting the virus in your body.
07:27You tell someone, I just put the virus in that fellow's body, he'll say, irresponsible and
07:34hateful. You have to remember the end. If the end is remembered, practically anything can be
07:44a means to that end. If the end is remembered, no means is important. Only that particular means is
07:54important that leads to the end at any particular moment. And you don't need to stick to any
08:00particular means. Because life changes, so means have to change. The end alone is changeless. The
08:08end alone is endless. Everything else must come to an end, except the end itself.
08:15I was trying to investigate what you were saying in my own life just to figure out where
08:31this dynamic is visible maximum. And I figured out that it is visible maximum in scenarios
08:40where I am not clear whether the person who is asking help is actually going to benefit them
08:52or not. Or I should be more clear and I should be more truthful and I say that
08:57where I feel that I become weak enough to not be able to see them in a state of pain,
09:06of immediate pain, but benefit in the long run. Because I may know that this right now
09:13is painful for them, but may be beneficial for them in the long run. But then I become weak
09:19as soon as the people grow closer to me to choose that weakness for them.
09:25Then you have to intelligently operate. Obviously, as human beings, you want to
09:32help the other get rid of his immediate pain. Here you need to be a bit tactful. Here you need
09:40to operate in a way where both the things happen. To some extent, the current pain reduces
09:48and mostly the fellow is enabled to not to fall in pain again.
09:55You see that is the characteristic of real help. If you are helping someone really,
10:04then you would be reducing his need to seek help again and again.
10:11So, test your action of help on this criteria. I have helped him in this instance.
10:22Yes. Now, is this enabling him
10:28to operate independently of any help or will he come repeatedly to me to again seek help?
10:45Reduce his need to be helped. That's the real help.
10:52So, just one final doubt where this has been pointed to and that is say when we talk about
11:02scenarios like romantic relationships that are based on the inherent, you know, I don't know,
11:10how do I put this? There is this kind of need or there is this identity association with the other
11:16person and so we have this scenario that if we actually enable them that they no longer feel
11:25the need of that relationship. If we truly enable them that they no longer feel that that relationship
11:32may add value to them in the future, then this actually may be the point where the relationship
11:43starts getting destroyed. Scary thought, right? If that fellow no longer needs my help,
11:53why will the relationship exist at all? Does that not help? If that fellow no longer feels that
12:01this is something he can come to in the need of crisis. He must come to. So, if that fellow is
12:07no longer needy, if that fellow is no longer needy, will the relationship exist at all?
12:15Is that not a very disturbing or rather scathing comment on the nature of most of our relationships?
12:25They are need-based. You fulfill my need, you scratch my back, I scratch your back.
12:32Not good to hear and much worse to live.
12:42And your fear is that if this mutual dependence is no more there, then the relationship would
12:50cease to exist. Yes, the relationship would cease to exist in the form it currently exists
12:59and the current form is hardly any good. Don't you agree?
13:07The relationship right now is mutually parasitic.
13:14Two parasites feeding upon each other. I can't live without you, you can't live without me.
13:21I suck your blood, you suck my blood and the deeper is your dependency, the more you say you
13:29love me. This is just not good. This is just not good and also relax. When you are mentally
13:47evolved, that does not mean that you are left with zero relationships. You are left with healthy
13:53relationships. The problem is mostly we only know sick relationships. So, if we are told that you
14:02can't have sick relationships, that translates into we can have no relationships. If I only
14:11have rotten fruits on my table and somebody says you can't have rotten fruits, to me that translates
14:18into you can't have any fruits because everything is rotten. Don't be afraid. Nice, juicy, fresh
14:29fruits do exist and all of us are eligible for them. There is no need to discount your eligibility.
14:48There is no need to think that life is condemned to be lived in stinking relationships.
14:57Things can get better. Even with the same person, you can have a much better relationship.
15:11The persons need not necessarily change.
15:16Even with the two or three or five whatever persons remaining the same,
15:20the relationship can be completely new and healthy.
15:27But that will require obviously a lot of work, discipline, a lot of love actually, a lot of wisdom.
15:38You cannot just operate on the back of your normal personal social knowledge and hope to have
15:48a truly healthy relationship. That won't happen. Knowledge of the kind that can transform a
15:55relationship can come only from spiritual sources, not social sources.
16:04TV and media and stand-up comics and your neighbor
16:09and apocryphal wisdom will not enable you to have true relationships. All you will have
16:22is replicas of the kind of relationships you see all around you,
16:29in family, in the neighborhood, in the movies, in the past, in social media.
16:38Don't you see relationships there? So wisdom coming from those very same sources will not allow you
16:48to have better relationships. You require wisdom from elevated sources if you want elevated relationships.
16:59So if I can just extend this and ask a final question.
17:10So what according to you should be kind of the metric based on which we should evaluate
17:17whether this person, this relationship that we have is actually healthy for us or not?
17:23To begin with freedom, have you been engaged or encaged?
17:38Mostly when you are engaged, you are actually encaged.
17:44Freedom. The true self is another name for freedom and ego is another name for bondages.
17:53Any relationship that brings bondages to your life is just not the real thing.
18:00Wisdom. Can you see things in a sharper light?
18:11Does the person, I mean there is this recent thing I said to someone,
18:18does the person bring you roses or books?
18:23Is that not a credible enough indicator?
18:31That one of the diseases of consciousness is body identification.
18:38The more body identified you are, the more you are able to identify yourself.
18:46Diseases of consciousness is body identification.
18:50The more body identified your consciousness is, the more lowly is the life you are living.
19:00Is the person making you more of a body?
19:04In the presence of that person, do you feel more bodily, more body identified?
19:11Does the person look at you primarily as a body?
19:16No.
19:17Run away.
19:21It's a very, very bad relationship.
19:25What is the content of the usual discussion between the two of you?
19:33Is it about wisdom or is it just mediocre, animalistic, body-centric gossip?
19:45What do the two of you do when you get together?
19:49Do you talk literature?
19:51Do you talk wisdom?
19:52Do you talk science?
19:52Do you talk climate change?
19:54Do you talk philosophy?
19:57Or do you talk breasts and hips?
20:02You have to figure out.
20:04There are very powerful indicators.
20:05You cannot miss them unless you are intent on deliberately missing them.
20:16Shrutika, you can go ahead with your follow-up question.
20:21Namaskar, Acharya ji.
20:24I'm Shrutika and I'm a second year undergraduate from the Department of Mechanical Engineering.
20:29So, as Devang was talking about saying no to people and giving focus on your own things.
20:38So, I have observed this mostly happens in work-related relationships.
20:43For example, we have our colleagues and they need help from us.
20:47But at times, this happens that we are busy with personal stuff and we won't be able to help them.
20:54As Devang said, after some time, you have that regret that you were not available for that person.
21:01So, I had the same question.
21:03Due to that regret, you keep on giving up.
21:06Giving to that person, giving in and every time what we do is that we sacrifice ourselves.
21:12So, to what extent sacrificing is right?
21:18Sacrificing is something wonderful.
21:22But what is the definition of sacrifice?
21:26What is sacrifice?
21:31Giving up on something of little value for the sake of something of higher value.
21:41That's sacrifice.
21:43And therefore, sacrifice is an affirmative thing.
21:47It's a constructive, productive thing.
21:52Sacrifice is not just about negating or renouncing.
21:59Sacrifice is actually about creating.
22:04Sacrifice is about creating something.
22:07Sacrifice is not a negative word.
22:11Sacrifice is the most positive word you can think of.
22:14Positive in the sense of it being very pro-life.
22:18It being creative, constructive.
22:21It gives rise to something.
22:22In fact, you cannot create anything worthwhile if you do not sacrifice something relatively worthless.
22:32Or can you?
22:33I'm pretty sure at this moment all of you had other competing things to do as well.
22:43At least I had a lot of other things that I could have done at this very moment.
22:48I sacrificed on those things to be here with you and I'm glad I did.
22:55Because this in my assessment,
22:57So there always are these trade-offs.
23:03What is sacrifice?
23:04Sacrifice is a great trade-off.
23:08And that's why even in the most ancient of scriptures,
23:14you find that sacrifice is a great trade-off.
23:17And that's why even in the most ancient of scriptures,
23:22you find that sacrifice is a great trade-off.
23:26You find the word sacrifice and you find it around the world.
23:31And obviously sacrifice is not about slaughtering an animal
23:35or just offering milk or something or money or clothes to the deity.
23:41Sacrifice is a much deeper psychological concept.
23:46Sacrifice is a recipe for mental health.
23:53You're getting it?
23:55Now if this is what sacrifice is,
23:58then it should be easy for you to know whether you are sacrificing rightly.
24:07See whether your sacrifice is creating something bigger than the thing sacrificed.
24:18I gave up on something small, check whether something bigger has been created.
24:23Otherwise, it's a bad trade-off to give up on 10 rupees for the sake of 2.
24:31Poor arithmetic.
24:32Similarly, poor sacrifice.
24:38Getting it?
24:39The rider here is that in real life, things are not so easy to quantify.
24:49You will not know whether something is worth rupees 2 or 10 very easily.
24:57Especially if stuff is intangible.
25:02For example, you have to sacrifice your pizza for your sister.
25:11Now the pizza you know costs rupees 400.
25:13But what's the quantum of love or affection
25:19between you and your sister that's aided by the sacrifice that you cannot know.
25:25You also do not know whether giving up on the pizza was actually good for your sister.
25:31She might already be fat.
25:34She might already be addicted to pizza.
25:38That's where you will not know whether giving up on the pizza was actually good for your sister.
25:44You require wisdom to know the value of something in life.
25:56Wisdom is essentially about having a sound value system.
26:02What is worth having?
26:03What is worth valuing?
26:05What is important?
26:06What is not?
26:09And what is important?
26:11To begin with, freedom is important.
26:14Truth is important.
26:15Clarity is important.
26:18Compassion is important.
26:19These are important things and they have very high value.
26:23And if they have very high value, then something small can be sacrificed for them.
26:32Are you getting it?
26:33Are you getting it?
26:36But if your sacrifice is not in the direction of love, truth, compassion, clarity,
26:45then your sacrifice is going waste.
26:48Then it is just an exercise in some kind of morality.
26:52This sacrifice will not help you or the sacrifice thing or the one receiving the sacrifice.
27:03But there are points like when you have that time,
27:07there's this thing that my sister asked for pizza from me.
27:10At that moment, I'm like, I will give it to her.
27:13And afterwards, I realized that that wasn't good for her.
27:17Even the times it happens that I won't give her the pizza.
27:21And afterwards, I feel that I didn't give her pizza.
27:23She's feeling bad.
27:24So this thing of regret, that's the thing of regret you feel every time you do something.
27:30Like while doing it, I don't realize that.
27:33After doing, after some time, that regret comes in.
27:36That regret is there only because you do not know the value of the thing sacrificed
27:43versus the thing obtained.
27:45Okay, let me clarify with an example.
27:48Let's say, you come to know that somebody sacrificed her entire bank account
28:03for the sake of a packet of peanuts.
28:11What would you say?
28:13You'll say it's a bad trade-off, right?
28:15Bad trade-off, right?
28:17Just for peanuts, she gave up on her entire bank balance.
28:23And there is regret now.
28:26You use the word regret, right?
28:28Now, there is regret.
28:30Let's say, you are that person and you will be very regretful.
28:33Oh, I have given up on my entire account for the sake of peanuts.
28:41But if you go closer, you will see that it's not like that.
28:46If you go closer and examine and find that your bank account had only two rupees,
28:54are you still regretful?
28:59That's the thing.
29:00You do not know the value of the thing, therefore you are regretting.
29:04Sacrifice must always involve something of smaller value compromised for something of
29:12larger value.
29:15Otherwise, there will be indecision and regret.
29:21You will just not know what has been lost and what has been gained.
29:26So, you will have mood swings.
29:28Sometimes, you will feel over something nice and you will feel over something bad.
29:32Sometimes, you will feel over something nice has happened.
29:34It's good I sacrificed.
29:36Sometimes, you will change your mind and say, no, no, no, it was a bad decision.
29:41Because you do not concretely know the value of stuff.
29:47Value you can know only when you go close to something.
29:50You have to know that thing.
29:50You have to know yourself and that determines the value of the thing, right?
29:56What is the value of something?
29:58The value of something is only as much as it aids your own liberation.
30:05That's the value of the thing.
30:07Something that takes you to freedom should never be sacrificed, right?
30:14Something that brings you the truth should never be sacrificed because freedom and truth
30:19are invaluable.
30:20Whereas, something that just feeds your body can be sacrificed, not a big deal.
30:28Something that just entertains you can be sacrificed, not a big deal.
30:35Something that just feeds your ego, inflates you can be given up, not a big deal.
30:44The art of valuation, that's the real thing.
30:46Learn what is valuable in life, never sacrifice that.
30:52And for the sake of what is valuable, everything else can be sacrificed.
30:58Then there will be no regrets.
31:00In clarity, there are no regrets.
31:06Yes, sir.
31:06So, if we take the same thing in terms of time, like timing, like there's this one hour I have,
31:12I have to give it to myself or to my friend.
31:15So, in that case as well, so like this is the timing.
31:19So, how do I evaluate that whether this time is, should I give it to myself, to me or to my friend?
31:27How do you know you shouldn't have been watching Netflix last two hours?
31:34Because I know that this is a productive session.
31:44What is the definition of productivity?
31:48You gain something from it.
31:50What something?
31:52Anything, like if I was, I would have been watching Netflix for two hours.
31:56No, we are not having this conversation for anything.
32:00There is something very concrete this session is for.
32:05What is that thing?
32:10In terms of?
32:12You tell me, what is the session for?
32:15Okay, so this session is for conversation between us and to…
32:22Conversation is the method.
32:26What is the aim of the session?
32:30To clear our minds and…
32:34So, that's what is important.
32:37That's what has value, clarity, clear up your mind as you said, clarity, clarity.
32:44So, that will enable you to know where to spend that one hour.
32:48Spend that one hour where you get clarity.
32:51Avoid places where you get even more fogged up, where even the clarity that you get gets
32:59surrounded by haze.
33:05Avoid people who stand as obstacles to clarity, who will not allow you to think freely,
33:14who put fear in your mind or tempt you with greed,
33:19or who create situations in which you just cannot be attentive and look at life.
33:25Those are the things, places and times to be avoided.