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Cast:
Sergeant Horton: Jack Hunter
Written by: Michael Strauss
Director: Michael Strauss
Director of Photography: Rob Menzer
Sound: Maxwell DiPaolo
#police #nypd #parody
Join this channel to get access to perks:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-0dXntqR76zT7b3-iB7Q1g/join
Watch last week's video here: https://youtu.be/n_zE_1VeNSM
See more http://www.cracked.com
LIKE us on: http://www.facebook.com/cracked
FOLLOW us on: http://www.twitter.com/cracked
FOLLOW us on: http://cracked.tumblr.com
Cast:
Sergeant Horton: Jack Hunter
Written by: Michael Strauss
Director: Michael Strauss
Director of Photography: Rob Menzer
Sound: Maxwell DiPaolo
#police #nypd #parody
Category
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FunTranscript
00:00I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:02I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:04I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:06I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:08I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:10I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:12I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:14I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:16I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:18I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:20I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:22I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:24I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:26I'm going to go ahead and get started.
00:28When I add the label messenger.
00:30When I add the label messenger.
00:32Entire message.
00:34I am biased toward many
00:36I am biased toward many
00:38I am biased toward many
00:40seeking a
00:42seeking formation
00:44material
00:46material
00:48material
00:50material
00:52you
00:54you
00:56Missing fun in your life?
01:21you had a bunch of great people to just hang out with while pretending to do army stuff,
01:26but more locals. You don't need to go overseas. I'm Chief Roger Horton of the Horton Police
01:31Department and I want you to join our ranks or at least sign up to be a correctional officer
01:37and work in an office with no windows in a corrupt and defunct criminal justice system
01:41that we unwittingly defend no matter what. And the best part? There's no consequences.
01:48New cadets who pass a few tests and have no particular set of skills will drive new cars,
01:53get guns, and look great in cool uniforms. We hope to entice the best and the brightest.
02:00And by God, we need it. The FBI keeps stealing our best guys and that's not saying much.
02:05Recruitment is down and resignations and retirement are up about 50%. Over 500 precincts in small
02:11town America have dissolved their police forces since 1972. And I get it. Our reputation has
02:17been in the shitter ever since that Officer Krupke song was written. But don't let a few
02:22bad apples spoil the lot. Just because Krupke was an abusive husband doesn't mean that his
02:28aggression influences his policing. Except when he hit that gang of dancing children
02:32over the head with a nightstick. Somewhere between that and the Rodney King riots, we
02:36became public enemy number one. We know confidence in police has fallen drastically in America.
02:42But who are you going to call when your neighbor keeps ding dong ditching your house in the
02:46middle of the night if there are no cops? The blue man group ain't going to help you
02:49with those paint drums. So back the blue. Okay, so you got the job. Now's the part where
02:56you put your life on the line every day. Well, sort of. Could you get hurt while on duty?
03:02You sure can. Being a cop is about four times more dangerous than the average job in America.
03:08But you're still less likely to die in the job than taxi drivers, maintenance workers,
03:13garbage men, and pilots. See? It's so safe.
03:17Join the force. We've done our best to clean up the force. Even when we fail our officers
03:23who fail to follow written policies and procedures, violate the law, and forge police reports.
03:29And by law, we're often not required to help you even if you're being stabbed on the subway.
03:34Like Joseph Lizito, who in 2011 was stabbed on the subway while some of the NYPD just
03:41sort of watched. And when he sued the city, we got off scot-free. Legally, this means
03:47the police have no obligation to help you, especially when you're getting stabbed. This
03:52job really does come with an insane amount of immunity, even when we act like jerks and
03:58leave Joe bleeding on the ground. We spend so much on legal fees and gear that I'm forced
04:03to sit here and take care of your training. So let me tell you what it's like to approach
04:08a vehicle. License and registration please. Approaching a vehicle can be a bit stressful.
04:17You don't know who you're pulling over, and as such you might get freaked out. We'll have
04:22you ride along with a more experienced officer once or twice, but one day you'll be on your
04:26own and you might even realize that there's something fishy going on in the car. But you
04:31won't know what to do except call for backup and arrest the guy, even if you don't have
04:36the best reason to do so. Highway patrol is a big part of our job, for some reason.
04:42I mean, it costs the taxpayers only 68 to 400 million dollars, so we might as well have
04:48a heck of a lot of fun pulling you over for no reason, fishing for a ticket. We got quotas
04:53after all. Don't get all frustrated when someone tries to pull some crap on you. We've become
04:58so heavily untrustworthy that we're all wearing body cams now, a requirement that we find
05:04so overwhelmingly restrictive that we might even remain patient with you for an extra
05:09five minutes before pinning you to the hood of your car. Okay, I can't just pull you out
05:15of the vehicle or search your car for no reason, but you're visibly under the influence. Have
05:20an open container, or in some states, just looking freaking suspicious. I can pat you
05:25down like a drum. Your body, my choice. If you're not out there, you're in here doing
05:31butt-tons of paperwork. In fact, the paperwork is one of our favorite things to complain
05:36about. Gave someone a ticket? Paperwork. Came across an incident and made an arrest? More
05:41paperwork. Spilled your coffee on your uniform and now it's completely ruined and your spouse
05:46refuses to help you get the stains out because you're the reason they call cops pigs? Even
05:52more paperwork. We spend at least three hours a shift filling up paperwork by hand, which
05:57to be honest, isn't the easiest to fill out in the first place. Bureaucracy is a bitch.
06:03And as part of the executive branch of the government, we're here to enforce the laws
06:07to the best of our ability, even when we don't really know what that means. Come on, we're
06:13not lawyers, buddy. This job is basically somewhere between formality and practicality.
06:18It does feel kind of stupid that there isn't an agency that could just do low-level, non-criminal
06:24incident reporting and communication. But alas, we're the best you got. Join the force.
06:31It's about time for me to take a trip down to the municipal poll and see what mischief
06:35the teens are getting into tonight. I've been Chief Horton. God help us all.