Marisa Peer, Award Winning Therapist and a Best-Selling Author, explains to Maria Botros in the latest Tell Me Why podcast episode why positive and negative labels can limit individuals.
Marisa: The concept of not feeling “enough” is an epidemic that’s making people very ill
My clients taught me very quickly that they were all in pain, and the goal is to get out of pain as fast as possible, says Marisa
Marisa: Rapid Transformation Therapy (RTT) allows you to become a detective, dentist, and a code
I always say when you label someone, you limit them, even if it's a good label, says Marisa
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Marisa: The concept of not feeling “enough” is an epidemic that’s making people very ill
My clients taught me very quickly that they were all in pain, and the goal is to get out of pain as fast as possible, says Marisa
Marisa: Rapid Transformation Therapy (RTT) allows you to become a detective, dentist, and a code
I always say when you label someone, you limit them, even if it's a good label, says Marisa
Read the full story here:
See more videos at https://gulfnews.com/videos
Read more Gulf News stories here: https://bit.ly/2HLJ2km
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NewsTranscript
00:00So, social media will say, you're not enough, you don't look like someone else, everyone
00:05is thinner, taller, better dressed, so the not enoughness is an epidemic that's making
00:10people very ill.
00:11I mean, we know that because in Turkey and also in Fiji, they had very low incidence
00:16of eating disorders in women, almost minimal, until they got television, and they found
00:21within three years in both countries, when these villagers got TV, they had an epidemic
00:26of anorexia, bulimia, eating disorders, and dieting, because we go, oh, I should look
00:33like that, but I don't, so I'm going to have to change myself.
00:36So, we tried to kind of, all these tests, I retired, and I was like, thank you, thank
00:47you.
00:48All right, welcome back.
00:50It's a brand new episode of Tell Me Why, and with me today is Marissa Peer, who's an award-winning
00:56therapist and a best-selling author, and I feel like there are so many other things
00:59that I need to mention, but I'm going to give you the mic to introduce yourself as well.
01:05But before we get started, I was just speaking to the team, and I heard that you recently
01:09moved to Dubai.
01:10Yeah, we moved here last November, so almost a year already has gone so quickly.
01:15And how are you liking it so far?
01:17We love it.
01:18We were living in L.A. for six years, and we never planned to come here.
01:21I just came here for work, and by the time we were leaving, we went, oh, I think we should
01:24move here, so we did.
01:26Amazing.
01:27It was very impulsive, but it's really worked out.
01:29I think it's worth it.
01:30Definitely.
01:31I mean, I would say.
01:32And L.A. is not so different than Dubai, I feel like, with the weather and all.
01:35No, L.A. is not so different.
01:36You can walk around everywhere, but other than that, it's not so different.
01:39Yeah.
01:40Yeah, fantastic.
01:41All right, so Marissa, tell us a bit more about what you do, I mean, especially when
01:45it comes to rapid transformational therapy.
01:48I want to get that right.
01:49RTT, right?
01:50RTT, yeah.
01:51Yeah.
01:52So tell us a bit more about that.
01:54Is it new, or are people just not aware of it?
01:57It is new.
01:58A lot of people are aware of it.
01:59So I've been a therapist my entire adult life, and when you're a therapist, even though your
02:03training is great, your best teachers are, of course, your own clients, because they
02:07teach you a lot.
02:08And my clients taught me very quickly, they were all in pain.
02:11They might have physical pain from an emotional source, like tension, headaches, or irritable
02:15bowel, or they might have an emotional pain because they couldn't find love, or they procrastinate
02:19or self-sabotage.
02:21When you're in pain, you have one goal, get me out of pain as fast as you possibly can.
02:26So if I went to the emergency room or the dentist in pain, I'd expect them to take me
02:29out of pain.
02:30And therapy doesn't take people out of pain, it invites you to have a long relationship
02:35and get to know each other over time.
02:37And I didn't really understand that.
02:39I mean, I do understand it, but when you're in pain, don't you just want to be out of
02:43pain the same day?
02:45People haven't got time to wait to form a long relationship and come every week at four
02:49o'clock.
02:50So I created a therapy that was like going to the emergency room and got you out of pain
02:54fast.
02:55It's called Rapid Transformational Therapy because it's rapid, but it's very transformational.
03:00It does everything you might do in 10 years of therapy in two or three sessions.
03:05Wow.
03:06Okay.
03:07And what does it include?
03:08I mean, what do you do?
03:10What therapy does is therapy either invites you to come in and find out what's happened
03:15to you, or therapy might invite you to come in and fix you.
03:21RTT does, it's like being a detective, a dentist, and a coder.
03:25The detective goes back and find out what's wrong, what happened to you.
03:30The dentist draws out all the old stuff and the coder puts in something new.
03:35So I'll give you a great example.
03:36I was working with a very famous designer who just would get in a complete panic every
03:40time he had to design.
03:41He couldn't understand it.
03:42He was very famous.
03:43He had lots of awards.
03:44But he said, every time I go to design, I get a headache, I feel sick, I get anxious.
03:50And in his session, he remember being a little boy, and every time he drew women's dresses,
03:53his father would get really angry and go, don't do that.
03:55That's not for a man to do.
03:57And he would throw them in the fire.
03:58But the mother would come in and go, oh, I love the dresses, darling.
04:01We just do it all in secret.
04:02So now he's got a very conflicting belief.
04:05Designing is pleasurable and painful.
04:07I'm terrified, but I like it.
04:10And so once you can get that information, you can go back and reason with the brain.
04:13Look, this makes perfect sense for a seven-year-old boy.
04:17But for a grown-up man, it's no longer appropriate to act in fear.
04:20This is all exciting.
04:22So you find out what happened.
04:24You kind of renegotiate with the brain why it's playing that old scenario, and then you
04:27put in a new scenario, which says things like, you love designing, you're such an amazing
04:32designer.
04:33When you're with clients, you're so confident, you're composed.
04:37And that all worked for him immediately in one session.
04:39He didn't need more.
04:40And he said, I've had this problem for 30 years, and I just didn't know why it was there.
04:45But he sort of did know, because he knew he had the fear, but he didn't know what to
04:48do about it.
04:50So we have two things.
04:52Why do I do that?
04:53Why do I drink?
04:54Why do I scream at my kids?
04:57Let's find out why.
04:58But knowing why doesn't always stop people saying, I know why I drink.
05:02I know why I self-sabotage.
05:04So we've got to do both together, find out why, and fix it all in the same session.
05:09Exactly.
05:10And I think that's why people come to you, because they might know the reason, but they
05:14just don't know how to fix it.
05:16I mean...
05:17Yeah.
05:18And a lot of them don't know the reason, but a lot of them do.
05:19But knowing it doesn't mean you're going to fix it.
05:21Of course.
05:22And it could be an even heavier burden knowing the reason, but not being able to fix it.
05:28Well, that's very frustrating.
05:29I know why I keep binging on food.
05:32And I'm so overweight, because I can't stop it, which is very painful.
05:36Yes, absolutely, absolutely.
05:38And so you've worked with a lot of celebrities, and I know that you've seen, you know, different
05:44profiles, different, you know, childhood experiences that have affected these adults, you know,
05:49later in life, as you mentioned with the famous fashion designer.
05:55What are some other people that you've worked with?
05:57I mean, without revealing too much, obviously, or any names, I just mean, like, is there
06:02like a criteria that people need to have?
06:05Not really.
06:06I work with a lot of Olympic athletes, and they come in because they want to get better.
06:10And you see, the mind is very clear.
06:12When you see something, you make it real.
06:14So we know that Roger Bannister, who was a runner, was told you couldn't run a mile in
06:18under four minutes, but he saw it over and over again.
06:21He saw himself going through that ticker tape.
06:23But when he did that, the next year, 57 more people did it too.
06:27Mark Spitz, I think in the 1984 Olympics, won every medal.
06:31And now you can't get in the team swimming at that speed, because it's not good enough.
06:35So when you move to your potential, it expands.
06:39Your potential expands as you move towards it.
06:41If you're an Olympic athlete, or a performer, or a singer, or a writer, or anyone who's
06:46doing something in that area, when you tap into the subconscious mind, you can get the
06:50potential to expand.
06:52You can have someone do more.
06:53So I see a lot of athletes who want to really win and have that winning edge, but you have
06:58to have phenomenal self-belief to win, especially in sport, because a lot of competition.
07:04I might see someone who's writing, but who's got writing block, or a fear of speaking in
07:09public, incredibly common.
07:11And so for some people, they're very talented, but they have these blocks.
07:15And they also have this, well, I'm getting paid so much for this, and it's so easy, therefore
07:20I don't really deserve it, therefore I should just get rid of it all.
07:24So that's something interesting, working with people at that level.
07:27And then, I mean, I work with everybody.
07:29I might work with someone who's a baker, or a schoolteacher, who can't sleep, or bites
07:35their nails, or has panic attacks, or has something else.
07:38I might work with someone right at the high end, a huge CEO who's pulling off a major
07:44deal and wants to have, again, that extraordinary self-belief.
07:46Right.
07:47I love that you mention that, because I feel like that feeling of, I'm enough, or I'm good
07:54at this, it's a challenge that everyone faces.
08:00I mean, everyone, in terms of celebrities, or athletes, or even teachers, I mean, it's
08:08the whole spectrum.
08:09Everyone has this battle of, am I good enough?
08:13Am I doing the job right?
08:14Am I worth it?
08:15Do I deserve it?
08:16Am I worth it?
08:17Exactly.
08:18And I think that's one of the hardest things for people to develop, that confidence in
08:24their skills.
08:25I want you to tell me a bit more about that.
08:27I mean, did you find that some cases were challenging to get rid of that?
08:31I found very quickly with my clients, very early in my career, that the real crux of
08:35their problems came back to that, I'm not enough.
08:38I'm not good enough.
08:39I'm not worthy enough.
08:40I'm not attractive enough.
08:41Exactly.
08:42I'm not educated enough.
08:43There are so many ways to feel not enough.
08:45So I saw that as a common denominator of our issues.
08:49So alcoholics, you know, if you don't feel enough, you need more.
08:53More drink, more cake, more medication, more stuff to buy.
08:58So when you don't feel you're enough, I've never met an alcoholic who ever felt they
09:02weren't good enough.
09:04I've never met an addict of anything who ever felt they were good enough.
09:07But the interesting question is, where does that come from?
09:09I mean, my daughter's just had a little baby.
09:11He's a most delightful four-month-old, amazing little thing.
09:15And he knows he's enough.
09:16He's very happy to wake the whole house up at 3 a.m., has no problem throwing up all
09:20over the white clothes that she's just put him in, because, you know, he's obviously
09:25very loved, and he knows he's enough.
09:28But most babies know they're enough.
09:30If you took home a newborn baby and shut it in a cupboard, it wouldn't just accept it,
09:33it would cry for hours.
09:35Because babies have a belief, I'm here, and you're going to look after me.
09:39Because in the womb, all your needs are met.
09:41It's always warm.
09:42You have 24-hour room service.
09:43Someone's always there.
09:44There's someone's heartbeat.
09:45So you know.
09:47So a baby's born with an expectation, here I am, and you're going to meet all my needs.
09:52And so the interesting thing is, what happens?
09:55Where do we go from there to, I'm not enough?
09:57And how quickly?
09:58And it can be very quickly.
09:59By the time we're three or four, we can believe we're not enough.
10:02And it comes from being compared.
10:04You don't really see that in tribes.
10:06You know, I've spent a lot of time in Africa, and you don't really see that with tribes,
10:11because they don't have this.
10:12You know, your sister, she could read when she was four.
10:14Your brother was so good at maths.
10:16Oh, they didn't get food on the floor.
10:19They were so neat and tidy.
10:21And then you go to school, and they do something I think is terrible, which is called streaming.
10:25So imagine if you're not in the top stream.
10:28What does that say to you?
10:29It says, I am less than.
10:31I'm in the C stream.
10:33And you're in the A stream, so you're better than me.
10:35And I'm not as good as you.
10:36So the streaming, the comparing.
10:38Now we have something even more powerful, and making us feel not enough, which is called
10:42social media.
10:43And we've always had magazines and newspapers and TV shows, but now we have, you can go
10:48on a site and ask them to grade you, to rate you.
10:52And so social media will say, you're not enough.
10:55You don't look like someone else.
10:57Everyone is thinner, taller, better dressed, and has more money than you.
11:03So the not enoughness is an epidemic that's making people very ill.
11:06I mean, we know that because in Turkey, and also in Fiji, they had very low incidence
11:12of eating disorders in women, almost minimal, until they got television.
11:17And they found within three years in both countries, when these villagers got TV, they
11:21had an epidemic of anorexia, bulimia, eating disorders, and dieting, because we go, oh,
11:28I should look like that, but I don't, so I'm going to have to change myself.
11:33Wow, I didn't know that.
11:34Yeah, it was very interesting how both countries had the same statistics.
11:37That's amazing.
11:38Yeah.
11:39I mean, you mentioned that it's an epidemic.
11:40I mean, how do you tackle that?
11:42Like, there's so much damage that you need to fix.
11:46Well, I mean, you see my bracelets all say I'm enough.
11:49I created something called the I'm Enough Movement, and we have an I'm Enough Movement,
11:53and we take it into schools, and we give people these bracelets, and we tell people, you're
11:58enough.
11:59Don't compare yourself to anyone, because you have your own gift, your own talent.
12:03We're doing it with a lot of schools here in Dubai, and it's a wonderful thing.
12:06We have something where each child draws a cheerleader, and they imagine they're installing
12:11it in their head, and they'll say things like, he believes in me.
12:14When no one else believes in me, my cheerleader tells me I'm good, and I can do it.
12:18I love that.
12:19And it's really a wonderful thing to see how you can raise a child's self-esteem.
12:24You can definitely diminish a child's self-esteem, but you can also raise it.
12:27By the way, a job of a parent and a school, that's your job, to raise a child's self-esteem.
12:35You do it in certain ways.
12:36You do it by pointing out, you know, you're really good at that.
12:39You're very good at science, or you're really good with animals, or you're so kind to your
12:44granddad, or you're so good at helping mommy cook in the kitchen.
12:47It doesn't matter what it is, but you make it, this is your gift.
12:51You're really good at that.
12:53You praise them a lot.
12:54You're present with them a lot.
12:56And when they do something wrong, you don't criticize them, you criticize the action.
13:00So you don't say, you're an idiot because you spilt the juice.
13:03You say, darling, when you're carrying juice across the cupboard, you've got to look at
13:06the juice, not the television.
13:08So you say, that was a mean thing you did to hit your brother, as opposed to, you're
13:12a mean person.
13:13Right.
13:14Because children understand you criticizing the event, but not them.
13:17But we tend to criticize them, and then they get very confused and think they're not enough.
13:22And the problem is, for a child, the minute they feel that you don't love them, they don't
13:28stop loving you, they stop loving themselves immediately.
13:31A child can't say, my mom's sad, my dad's angry, my dad's drinking, my mom can't get
13:39a job.
13:40They can only go, oh, she's unhappy, must be my fault.
13:43Because a child will always, because they can't control what's going on, they'll always
13:48bring it back to themselves in an effort to control it.
13:51Right.
13:52If I'm good, if I'm better, if I'm smarter, it'll all be okay.
13:55But it isn't, because it was never the child's fault, ever.
13:58Yeah, absolutely.
13:59I feel like labels are one of the most difficult things that a child can get rid of.
14:05I mean, once they're labeled something at a young age, it sticks.
14:10I say that a lot in my books, when you label someone, you limit them.
14:13Even a good label, you're so good, you're so beautiful, you're so generous, it's like,
14:18oh, and now I've got to be there all the time.
14:22So even you're a genius for a child is a limiting label.
14:26Right.
14:27And it puts a lot of pressure on them, because they constantly have to prove it right.
14:31Of course.
14:32They want to live up to that label.
14:33They have to live up to that label.
14:35Exactly.
14:36I listened to a podcast recently, and a psychologist was saying that sometimes a child's self-esteem
14:42is also affected by their parents, meaning I could give my child the confidence they
14:49need, I could praise them, but if I'm always self-critical, that affects their self-esteem
14:54as well.
14:55Yeah, a lot of studies show that for a child to be happy, they need something, a happy
14:59mother, funnily enough.
15:00In the beginning, a happy mother in the house is very linked to the child's self-esteem.
15:05Because imagine an unhappy mother who's sad, or crying, or sick, or always has headaches.
15:11Then how can the child be happy?
15:14Because it's more like if you were on an airplane with your child, the child will look at mommy
15:19and say, how's mommy's reaction to flying?
15:21Oh, she likes it.
15:22If mommy's anxious and nervous, oh, flying's not a good thing.
15:26If a child will look at a mother, there's a dog in the room, and he'll, how's mom with
15:30the dog?
15:31And that's how the child will be.
15:33So mothers who have issues, and fears, and phobias, I'm just working with someone now,
15:38a mother with a fear of flying, and her child's got the same fear because she learned it.
15:43A wonderful mother, by the way, an amazing person, but children pick up the fears of
15:47the parents.
15:48Absolutely.
15:49How can they not?
15:50Absolutely.
15:51And I think that's one of the major things that I could relate to.
15:56There was an example that was mentioned where a mother was always critical of her looks,
16:00and she just didn't feel like she was pretty enough, or always felt like her figure wasn't
16:06flattering, and she always fixated on how short she is, and her daughter grew up with
16:12those same motivations.
16:13Oh, yeah, and so a mother who's on a diet, what does that say?
16:16Exactly.
16:17You've got to punish your body, and deprive yourself, and always eat salads, and you've
16:22got to really fight to be attractive, and that's a terrible thing.
16:26Absolutely.
16:27So then, how do you help a person rediscover themselves?
16:31How do you help them break those shackles?
16:34Well, there's several ways.
16:37One is to go back and have a look at what happened, and of course, what happens to you,
16:42it's not what happens, it's how you feel about what happens, how you interpret what happens,
16:47and the meaning you put on what happens will shape your entire life.
16:51So the child's meaning is, oh, that happened, I didn't have a dad because I wasn't good
16:55enough.
16:56When you go back and go, look, darling, your dad had you when he was 19, you know, you
17:01should have been gifted a grown-up dad, but you weren't, you were gifted a dad who was
17:04growing up right next to you, and you're smarter than him, you're more mature than your father,
17:09and that was a great shame, but today, you don't need a grown-up dad.
17:13So it's doing something, saying, look, you know, all these scenes, whatever you come
17:17up with, they were relevant, and any kid would have felt the way you felt at that time, but
17:23today, they're not relevant, they're not appropriate, they're not even necessary because
17:26they're behind you.
17:28So it isn't trying to change the past, you know, I'll give you a great example, I was
17:32working with someone whose mother had died, and she was a scientist, very bright, and
17:35she kept saying, I need my mom, and I miss her, and I said, darling, you don't need your
17:40mother, I want you to stop saying, I miss my mother, but I don't need her, because no
17:44woman of 45 actually needs her, mother, you may love her, you may want her, but you do
17:50not need a mother, at 45, want is different to needs, instead of saying, I need her, and
17:55I miss her, I want you to go, I miss her, and I don't need her, I love her, I miss her,
18:00I don't need her, and she said, that's so amazing, because I didn't realize how needy
18:04I was by saying something that wasn't even true, darling, the truth is, you don't need
18:08a mother at 40, or even at 30, it's lovely to have one, but if your mother went to live
18:14in Australia, and you saw her once every three years, it wouldn't really affect your life,
18:18so it's reframing everything, children are dependent, adults are independent, we're not
18:26dependent children in our 40s, but we think we are, because we use the wrong language
18:32patterns, we give ourselves the wrong, my dad, I've got to please him, that will upset
18:36my mom, I need to make them proud of me, and the truth is, you really don't, you need to
18:42make you proud of you, as a therapist, I always wanted to simplify therapy, it shouldn't be
18:48long, and complicated, and complex, and by the way, the brain isn't complex either, it's
18:52also quite simple, so when we're born, we have very simple needs, we need to feel safe,
18:57secure, significant, and loved, and you think that would be an easy thing to pull off, but
19:03imagine you're in daycare, or you have a nanny, and they don't make you feel loved, so for
19:10a child, when those very simple needs aren't met, two things happen, they go through life
19:15thinking, well, that's never going to be met, I'm never going to be loved, I'm never going
19:17to be significant, I'm never going to be connected, or they go through life saying, well, I'm
19:23going to find someone, and they're going to make me feel loved, safe, connected, and significant,
19:29and they're both wrong, because a lot of people give up, you know, they get some pets, they
19:33live alone, and they say, no, I'm always going to have a dead-end job, and I've given up
19:37on love, so they have a belief, my needs will never be met, and I'm living with that, or
19:43they have a belief, I'm going to give someone else my needs, but if that someone else even
19:47does that, and meets your needs, what happens when they get sick, or they have their own
19:51needs, so the answer is, can you meet those needs yourself, and the answer is yes, can
19:56you feel safe, and significant, and connected, and loved, because if you can start to work
20:01on your own needs, and almost parent yourself, you'll then become the person you'd become
20:07if you had amazing parents who knew how to raise you, even if you hadn't got that, it's
20:13never too late to go back and put in what a great parent would have put into you, what
20:17would a great parent say, I mean, this is not rocket science, they'd say, well, how
20:21lucky I am to have you, you're a great kid, I'm proud of you, and I was recently working
20:26with a 17-year-old boy who was probably going to end up in jail, because he was very violent,
20:31very aggressive, and when I saw him, I said, you're just a hurt kid, and he said, nobody
20:36cares about me, his parents had broken up when he was a baby, gave him to the father's
20:42very elderly parents, who really couldn't raise him, they did their best, but he felt
20:46so unwanted, and I said, I'd love to give you a great dad, but I can give you the next
20:50best thing, what would a great dad say, of course, I don't know, I said, but you do know,
20:54a great dad would say, I'm proud of you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, so
20:58let's say, of course, he thought that was utterly stupid, but he said it, and at the
21:01end, he was a different person, because it's what I call the missing words, the things
21:07you never heard, you don't have to wait, you can start to say them yourself, I matter,
21:12I'm significant, I'm enough, it's what we're doing in the school system here in Dubai,
21:17having kids every day, I matter, I'm enough, I'm significant, I'm smart, and of course,
21:24when someone else says it, you think, oh, what do you want, but when you say it, the
21:27brain goes, well, this must be true, because you say it so much, and it makes such a difference.
21:34How does it resonate with children, I feel like children are, do you feel like they're
21:39easier or more difficult to work with?
21:41Oh, so easy, they live in a world where, you know, if someone is seven or eight, they don't
21:46have to really go back in time to see what happened, so children are very easy to work
21:51with, they're very influenced by what they see on the news, and what their friends tell
21:55them, but it's very easy to excite a child's imagination, the way you feel about everything
22:00comes down to just two things, the pictures you make in your head, and the words you say
22:06to yourself, and so when children make the wrong words and pictures, you know, I don't
22:12have any friends, I'm not good at math, then they feel terrible, for instance, I'll give
22:17an example, I was working with a school recently, and I put on the floor, a huge triangle in
22:22masking tape on the floor, and each triangle had a flip chart, and one flip chart was a
22:27thought, the second flip chart was a feeling, and the third flip chart was an action or
22:32a behavior, so they had to write down the thoughts that made them unhappy, and one
22:36kid wrote, I'm stupid, a little girl wrote, I'm ugly, I don't have any friends, and then
22:43they had to run to the feeling chart and write down how they felt, and they said, you know,
22:47I feel sad, I feel frustrated, I feel angry, then they had to run to a behavior, and the
22:52behavior was, I cry, and the other one said, I act out, because, let's remember, the thought,
22:58I'm stupid, oh, I don't have any friends, so they were running thought, and then very
23:02quickly they realized the thought came first, and we just flipped it over, let's say, I'm
23:06so smart, and I got loads of friends, everyone likes me, so now they're running to the feeling,
23:11and they're saying, well, I feel confident, I feel brave, when they ran to the behavior,
23:15the kid who said he was stupid said, I asked the teacher for help, because I'm a smart
23:18kid, not because I'm smart, so I loved that, that he got it, so at that age, they understood,
23:24it's like a ladder, thought, feeling, action, thought, so you might think, I'm an idiot,
23:30so I feel terrible, so the action is, I don't do anything because I'm an idiot, but if you
23:35flip that to, actually, I'm incredibly smart, I've got a really brilliant brain, so I feel
23:39pretty confident, and I ask for help, and I do stuff, and I put myself up, because I'm
23:45smart, so it's making people understand that everything begins with a thought, which is
23:51very good news, because your thoughts are yours to change, to upgrade, to update, and
23:56it's free, and you can do it anytime, and it works.