Gogglebox S24 Ep01
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00:00Leo! You haven't seen Leo in ages have you? Leo!
00:05What's this?
00:06Hello son!
00:07John!
00:08Hello!
00:10Hiya!
00:11What are you doing you big baller bear? Oh my god he's so fluffy!
00:15Hello puppy!
00:17Hiya son!
00:18Give me a treat!
00:19Leo, what have I got?
00:21He's massive!
00:22What have I got? Sit!
00:24Do you know when he's wet? Does he go boy?
00:27Hiya son!
00:30He's massive!
00:34Oh no!
00:35Here we go!
00:36They've got him!
00:37Oh!
00:38What you doing?
00:39Oh she's a chicken nugget!
00:41Isn't it embarrassing Merlin?
00:45Oh kiss!
00:46Oh that's a bit forward!
00:47This is raunchy innit?
00:48Bring on the delves!
00:50Yeah!
00:51Who's in for the finger this week innit?
00:53Oh!
00:54He's so bad it's actually good!
00:56It's actually good!
00:57What just happened?
00:58Siri, call Ofcom.
01:01In the week we bid a fond farewell to the voice of Darth Vader, James Earl Jones,
01:06we enjoyed lots of great telly.
01:09Celebrities were racing around South America on BBC One.
01:15This is a small price to pay just to see them smile again on a day where there hasn't been that much of that.
01:21Do you know Scott Mills is in his 50s?
01:24Is he?
01:25Yeah.
01:27I hope I'm as cool as Scott Mills when I'm in my 50s.
01:32You're not as cool as Scott Mills now!
01:35More fast track fiancés were getting it together on Discovery Plus.
01:40Oops!
01:41I'm sorry!
01:42It's okay.
01:43Some people might think that I'm an overpacker, but I need everything that I've packed.
01:50No, when I go on holiday, right, if I'm going for a week, I need six pairs of undies, six pairs of shorts, and a couple of tops.
01:59That's it.
02:00You're a pig.
02:03Toothbrush? Nah, I'm on my holidays.
02:05That's why you buy chewing gum over there.
02:08Buy a multi-bag of chewing gum.
02:12I'm on holiday, I'm not going to brush my teeth.
02:15And true feelings were being exposed on Paramount Plus.
02:19They're taking their search for love to a whole new level.
02:25By baring all.
02:28If everyone's naked, I think they'll be a lot more vulnerable.
02:31The only variation on a dating show they haven't tried, Mary, is removing the sexual organs altogether, surgically.
02:40And that's something that we can look forward to perhaps next year.
02:50In Leeds.
02:51Hiya, you alright?
02:52Can I see you, love?
02:53Yes, I'm good.
02:54I'm just ringing your auntie Janet because I've text her and asked her, and she says she thinks she's seen you with one.
03:01I'm going to a wedding tomorrow, and I want a royal blue fascinator.
03:05Sisters Ellie and Dizzy.
03:07I don't know if it's royal blue. Go have a look.
03:09As long as it's not navy, as long as it's not really navy, it's got a couple of different blues in it.
03:16Send me a picture, won't you?
03:17I've sent you it now.
03:18Alright, speak to you soon.
03:19See you soon, bye.
03:20Bye.
03:21Bye.
03:22What a ledge.
03:23What a ledge.
03:24Can count on auntie Janet to have a clutch bag.
03:26She's a few fascinators, so I reckon that she'll have at least one to go with that, won't she?
03:30She's a fascinator for every occasion, is auntie Janet, isn't she?
03:33She bloody looks, she's a bugger for a fascinator.
03:35She is a bugger for a fascinator.
03:38On Wednesday night, it was maps at the ready again as BBC1's race for the fastest car in the world.
03:44BBC1's race for the fastest famous face was well underway.
03:52Do you know what I mean to me? I could end up in bloody Royal Wheel.
04:00They're certainly getting the steps in on this, aren't they?
04:02That's true.
04:03When I did my geography exam in year 11, my map was upside down the full exam.
04:07Then the teacher would come up to us and says,
04:09oh, Abi, you didn't know your map's been upside down the whole time?
04:13I says, no, you could have told us.
04:15She says, I can't, it's an exam.
04:17The Rio Parana, South America's second longest river,
04:21and sitting on the banks of its Argentinian delta is the city of Tigre.
04:26Tigre, Jane, Tigre.
04:28Here, the fourth checkpoint.
04:31Oh, it'll be full of mozzies and everything, won't it?
04:33And floaters.
04:35Having set the pace in earlier legs,
04:37Geoff and Freddie are almost 11 hours behind.
04:40God, what did they do? Sleep in?
04:43That's half a full day.
04:46Your fifth checkpoint is Tilcara.
04:50OK.
04:51Where is that?
04:52It's in Argentina.
04:54I'd love to go to Argentina.
04:56Shall we go?
04:57Absolutely.
04:58The driver tells us he can bring you to Frias.
05:02Yeah, where is Frias?
05:03I don't know if you see it.
05:05I think it's on the way or here.
05:08Yeah, it's forwards, I like that.
05:09It's not even on the map, he doesn't even know where it is.
05:12Lovely.
05:13I don't know if Geoff's making the right decision here.
05:15I don't know, you know what, Geoff, do you?
05:18Do you, brother?
05:19He's limiting his options.
05:23There's always going to be an element of a risk.
05:25It's not something I'm particularly good at,
05:27but we've come in fourth, we are racing after all.
05:30Yeah, let's do it.
05:31Make it.
05:32Oh, don't go.
05:33Oh, they're going for Frias.
05:34Geoff, raise you, would you?
05:35Yeah, I would, yeah.
05:38Bus station with no buses.
05:40There's nothing there, Jenny, nothing there.
05:42Wicked.
05:43Whoops.
05:44It's almost like I saw it coming.
05:46I don't even want to say.
05:47Yeah, it's just not looking good.
05:49This could be really disappointing.
05:51The risk hasn't paid off, has it?
05:53That's what's not on the map, boys.
05:55OK.
05:56Frias.
05:57Silcara.
05:58No direct.
06:00Perfect.
06:01Right, Fred, I've put us in this little corner.
06:04Nobody puts Freddy in the corner.
06:06So apologies for that.
06:07So Dad's taking ownership, yeah?
06:09Dad, we're a team.
06:10You won't let me down.
06:11Look at him there, flashing the cat.
06:13Get that in your bum bag.
06:15This is one of the most useless feelings I've had this whole trip.
06:19Come on, think positive.
06:21But at least they're still on the move.
06:23Safe.
06:24I kept saying, you know, I've always been safe.
06:27Oh, I like a bus with curtains.
06:29I'd love a double-decker coach with curtains.
06:31I'd love a go on that.
06:32I've never been on a double-decker coach.
06:34I'd love to sit on top deck on a double-decker coach.
06:37With curtains?
06:38With curtains.
06:402,500 metres above sea level, the fifth checkpoint.
06:45The tiny mountain town of Tilcara.
06:48Right, so this is the checkpoint place now.
06:50After traversing almost half the length of Argentina,
06:54all teams are neck and neck.
06:56They've caught up by 11 hours.
06:58They're neck and neck. Bloody hell.
07:01Ready, Sam? Let's do it.
07:03Grab your team, get your stuff and get running.
07:07Go to the market and find the trinity of best.
07:10You'd sniff out a market, you would.
07:12Oh, I would. I'd be fussed there.
07:14I'm good at charity shops and all.
07:16It's this way cos everyone else has gone this way, so let's go.
07:18They're all running now.
07:20You'd start tripping people up at this point, wouldn't you?
07:22That looks like a market right in front of us.
07:24Market's just here, OK?
07:26Mercado!
07:28Mercado, that's supermarket. Mercado is market.
07:32There they are, there they are, there they are!
07:34What have you got to do now, then?
07:36Go right behind the church. Church.
07:38And then find Las Marias Hotel.
07:40Go right behind the church, Las Marias Hotel.
07:43Church. Church.
07:46Oh, we've got sign language here.
07:48God. Church.
07:50Surely you'd just do that, innit?
07:52Surely you'd do that. Church.
07:55Can you see them blue bags? That's where we're headed.
07:58Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
08:00What's he done? They've seen Freddy.
08:02Fred! Pace it, mate!
08:04Freddy's legging it. Come here, come here.
08:06Oh, I'm in the car!
08:08Just get taken out by a car.
08:10We're here. Come on, Fred.
08:12Come on, Fred. Come on, Fred.
08:14Go on, keep going, you can do it.
08:16Come on!
08:18Come on, come on, who's it?
08:20Come on!
08:22Oh!
08:24But are they first?
08:26They don't know until they open the book.
08:28Who's first?
08:32They were first!
08:34Oh, God, what are you?
08:36Oh, I would have done them.
08:38We're out seven minutes, innit?
08:40Oh, the second!
08:42Come on, lads.
08:44That's epic.
08:46Well done, boys, though. Nothing to be ashamed at.
08:48The second. Yeah, second.
08:50And now a deficit.
08:52Very, very well done.
08:54He's taken a risk.
08:56And it hasn't backfired.
08:58And it hasn't backfired. And I like that.
09:00Love to see that.
09:02Very rare that happens.
09:04But he's a nice guy, he's one of the good guys, isn't he, Geoff?
09:06He is. Cos he goes out and gives good news.
09:08So it's nice when somebody goes out and gives good news.
09:10Yeah.
09:12Although he hasn't given me ever good news up postcode lottery,
09:14I'm gonna be honest.
09:16Well, I tell you what, bloody postcode lottery,
09:18if you win a tenner, they charge fucking 12 quid to enter.
09:20There you go.
09:22Still two quid down! Yeah.
09:26In Derby...
09:28Rosie, how's the swimming going? Are you still going?
09:30Yeah, I'm still going.
09:32I went the other day and my bag felt kind of light.
09:34Oh, no.
09:36So I did my swimming session,
09:38I went back into the changing room,
09:40put my briefs on
09:42and my T-shirt on
09:44and realised I didn't have any shorts or trousers.
09:46So I had to sheepishly
09:48get out of the swimming bath
09:50without anybody seeing me
09:52in my briefs and my T-shirt.
09:54Then I had to get in my car,
09:56drive home, park on the drive
09:58and then quickly run out of the car
10:00into my house in just my pants and T-shirt.
10:02On Saturday,
10:04some news from space was making the headlines
10:06on the BBC.
10:08The news is really the only thing that keeps my brain
10:10from going stagnant.
10:12You know, I don't read a paper.
10:14Well, I can't justify
10:16spending HUP.
10:18HUP, they're about £1.50 now.
10:20Fuck off.
10:22You're about to see the moment when
10:24Boeing's Starliner spacecraft
10:26left the International Space Station today
10:28to return to Earth, but it returned
10:30empty.
10:32Oh, shit. Without the two astronauts
10:34who were meant to be on board.
10:36What?
10:38What's happened to them then?
10:40This is what happens when you book cheap flights.
10:42Yeah, like, you know...
10:44The return's not always guaranteed.
10:46A technical fault
10:48means the pair must now remain
10:50on the space station until at least February.
10:52February next year?
10:54Well, it ain't going to be this year, is it?
10:56They're going to spend Christmas in space?
10:58I don't think Santa goes that far.
11:00Boeing's Starliner capsule
11:02on its way home,
11:04beginning its six-hour voyage.
11:06No, but let's be fair,
11:08they could have been home in six hours, couldn't they?
11:10It's not as far
11:12as fucking Blackpool, is it?
11:14NASA's Sonny Williams
11:16and Butch Wilmore will now stay
11:18on the International Space Station.
11:20Do you know what one word springs to mind?
11:22Claustrophobic.
11:24Can you imagine me and you in a small space?
11:26No, I can't. Huh?
11:28We'd murder each other.
11:30There'd only be one of us coming back.
11:32And that'd be me.
11:34In the night sky of New Mexico,
11:36a first glimpse of the capsule.
11:38Three good parachutes looking great.
11:40Its descent is slowed
11:42as it closes in.
11:44Touchdown. Starliner
11:46is back on Earth.
11:48Right, let's just get something straight here.
11:50The original thing, what they went up in,
11:52that's back down on the ground.
11:54Broken, they couldn't get in, it wasn't safe.
11:56So, where, what are they in?
11:58Space Station.
12:00It's just a...
12:02It's like an airport, let's say.
12:04In the air.
12:06From our perspective,
12:08all of us feel happy
12:10about the successful landing.
12:12A success? How can that be a success?
12:14There's supposed to be two astronauts on it.
12:16But then there's a piece of us, all of us,
12:18that we wish it would have been
12:20the way we had planned it.
12:22What was the problem with it, then?
12:24I don't know.
12:26I mean, it's come back for a while.
12:28I don't know.
12:30So, what's the problem?
12:32I don't know.
12:34Well, this is it.
12:38She's never going to go
12:40into a spaceship like that, ever.
12:42Does your mam want to, like?
12:44No, but I'm just saying, if she ever did,
12:46I'm going to tell her no.
12:48Silly.
12:50I can't cope with her getting stuck in space.
12:52Yes.
13:02What have you got on your arm?
13:04My Swifty bangles.
13:06What do they say?
13:08Superstar, gorgeous, change,
13:10and fearless. They're all her songs.
13:12Simon and his sister Jane.
13:14So, should I wear
13:16Swifty bangles, then?
13:18What do you mean?
13:20It's a nice try, Jane,
13:22but tell me five of her songs.
13:24Fearless, Superstar...
13:26Oh, that's cheating!
13:30On Monday night, the boys in blue
13:32were catching criminals on Channel 5.
13:34Police intercept us.
13:36This is jokes.
13:38I think what it is when they shout,
13:40that makes it more scary.
13:42You know, like,
13:44Get on the floor! Get on the floor!
13:50As soon as a police car goes behind you,
13:52you do think, is it taxed?
13:54Is it MOT'd? Is it insured?
13:56Have I been drinking?
13:58I'd better get off the phone.
14:02It's nearly lunchtime,
14:04and the 999 calls reported
14:06a possible drug deal in Northampton
14:08town centre.
14:10Here we go.
14:12Lunchtime drug deal?
14:14Lewis Marks is one of a team of cops
14:16who are busy surrounding the area.
14:18Oh, they're going to do a stakeout, man.
14:20It's all quiet on the Northamptons front
14:22until...
14:24Oh, here we go.
14:26Oh, he's off, he's off. Let's go, let's go!
14:28Word comes in that the suspect
14:30clopped the cops and legged it.
14:32Oh, I don't think I can watch this footage, Mary.
14:34Their guy has reached the park
14:36and has two advantages over Lewis.
14:38Oh, right. What's the advantages?
14:40A massive head start
14:42and a bike.
14:44And a bike? And a bike!
14:46Let me borrow your bike.
14:48Let me borrow your bike?
14:50What bugger are you borrowing my bike?
14:52It was 195 quid from Halfords, this. Built.
14:54Built.
14:56Up there, up there.
14:58Oh, he's off. Oh, he'll be caught.
15:00Lewis is burning rubber in pursuit.
15:02Come on, PC Lewis.
15:04Come on, Bet, you can get him.
15:06Peddle hell for leather.
15:08The cavalier copper is making ground on his foe.
15:10Oh, he's catching up.
15:12Go on, lad. Come on, Lewis.
15:14Drop the gear, disappear.
15:16Who's now out of the park
15:18on an adjacent pavement.
15:20Oh, he's there, look. Is that the baddie?
15:22Yeah. My guy's chill. He was on the phone and everything.
15:24I just got away.
15:26Yeah, this person, they can get me.
15:28Unaware of the mounted cavalryman
15:30galloping from the trees nearby.
15:32There's the copper.
15:34He's unaware of the mounted cavalryman.
15:36Oh, my God.
15:38As he nears the park exit, Lewis is on a collision course
15:40for the oblivious dealer.
15:42He's on a collision course.
15:44They're going to bash into one another now.
15:46Across the road
15:48and bang on target.
15:50Oh, he's there.
15:52Oh!
15:54Yeah! Let's have it!
15:58Oh, my God.
16:00Fucking rammed into him.
16:02He's just ghosted that bike into the deep.
16:04It's not even his bike.
16:06That's mine.
16:08That's not your bike.
16:10That's a proper intercept, isn't it?
16:16Oh, it's taking it back to the guy.
16:18Oh, isn't he good?
16:20That poor guy when he gets his bike back
16:22and it's just destroyed.
16:24Yeah. Oh, thanks, mate.
16:26I'm sure it had two wheels on it before.
16:28The search of the scene
16:30turned up a large quantity of cash
16:32and phones with messages relating
16:34to drug supply.
16:36But, disappointingly,
16:38no drugs.
16:40Oh, fuck's sake. There's nothing on him.
16:42What a waste of time.
16:44However, a CT scan of the suspect
16:46revealed a kinder egg
16:48plugged where you wouldn't want to eat it.
16:50A kinder egg?
16:54And containing multiple wraps of heroin
16:56and crack.
16:58Oh, yeah, it was up his crack.
17:00He's hurting, have he?
17:02No, he's shoved the...
17:04Huh? I thought he said...
17:06He hasn't.
17:08How can you do that?
17:10But it's a good hiding place, actually.
17:12Hiding stuff in your bottom
17:14in a kinder egg.
17:16You could hide all sorts in there.
17:18Jewels, all sorts.
17:20Not for long.
17:22I've not seen anyone shoplifting in Waitrose
17:24and putting steaks
17:26and Manuka honey
17:28in their back bottoms.
17:32In that pool...
17:34I bet you're getting a take-away tonight,
17:36aren't you, cos Paige is away.
17:38I've already decided, kebab.
17:40Course you are!
17:42You're not having kebab cos it's dry as fuck.
17:46Pete and his little sister Sophie.
17:48Tomorrow, I'll be led
17:50on the couch most of the day
17:52in me only fools and horses
17:54dressing gown
17:56with Paige's slippers on.
17:58Yeah, that you've had since you were 21.
18:00Yeah, it's only nine years.
18:02Got another 30 years left in that.
18:04This week, Paramount
18:06plus Baird Hall with a brand new
18:08reality show.
18:10What? Naked dating?
18:12This country used to be
18:14more interested in classical
18:16music and poetry and now it's
18:18gone to barnyard culture.
18:20These ten singles
18:22are all fed up with the
18:24world of dating.
18:26They're all good-looking at this, I don't know why they can't get dates.
18:28They're taking their search
18:30for love to a whole new level.
18:32No!
18:34What?
18:36Taking the clothes off?
18:38By bearing all.
18:40They're all naked.
18:42Stark, bollock, naked.
18:44Taking off
18:46every
18:48single thing.
18:50Tits, dicks, ugh.
18:52This is just another excuse
18:54for people to perv.
18:56What else can you do naked?
18:58Unlike the great British Nacoff,
19:00we bake food, but
19:02naked.
19:06Right, who's ready for some wholesome
19:08family entertainment?
19:10Emphasis on whole.
19:12In the programme, we saw Rylan
19:14introducing a new housemate.
19:16Ladies, meet Sean.
19:18Oh, wow!
19:22Oh, look at
19:24Sean.
19:26Oh, he's his partner in the work show.
19:28Bloody hell.
19:30I'm excited to make an impact, I'm excited to go for what I want,
19:32and if I see a beautiful lady there...
19:34Fucking shit!
19:38I'm gonna go for it.
19:40Let's go have some fun.
19:42He's gonna give you a run for your money, innit?
19:44Oh, my God.
19:46It's like a rifle range.
19:48Aren't your glasses for distance?
19:50I don't need them.
19:52What did you like the look of?
19:56This is primal.
19:58He probably just doesn't know where the hell to look.
20:00Well, this is it.
20:02Is it Lauren?
20:04Lauren?
20:06Fuck, mate.
20:08You see how Lauren immediately looked at Billy?
20:10Mm.
20:12Who she's with.
20:14Billy doesn't look too happy with his hands on his hips.
20:16He's definitely drooped a bit.
20:18There's gonna be a soul fight here, I think.
20:20Hello.
20:22Welcome to the house.
20:24Do any of them have pubes?
20:26No, there's not a pube in sight here, Ellie.
20:28We do not want legs agape, do we, Natty?
20:32Do you know the expression agape?
20:34Yeah, it doesn't mean what you think.
20:36It's a spiritual... A gape.
20:38Yeah, a gape. It's different.
20:40We do not want legs agape. No.
20:42Can I pull you for a chat? Yeah, of course.
20:46Oh, Sian's pulling Lauren for a chat.
20:49Billy's not gonna be happy.
20:51He's took Lauren away.
20:53Well, it was bound to happen at some point.
20:55I think if I did explore things with Lauren,
20:57I might ruffle some feathers, but, you know,
20:59that's why we're all here, to meet new people
21:01and make new connections.
21:03I'm not listening to a word he's saying, are you?
21:05A bit later, Sian and Lauren went on a date
21:07and got to know each other a bit more.
21:11I'm a very happy lad at the moment.
21:13HE GASPS
21:15Fucking hell, Bells, man.
21:17Oh, and it's a massage as well. Come on!
21:19Enjoy massaging, hey? Do you?
21:21It feels good.
21:23I mean, she's exclusive, we're matey, but...
21:25Getting rubbed on.
21:27She's having a naked massage.
21:29It's Sam. From somebody else.
21:31You all right if I touch your bum? Yeah.
21:33Have fun down there.
21:35Have fun down there, she said.
21:37I think Lauren looks like she's definitely enjoying this.
21:41I feel nice.
21:43If I were him, I'd probably be having to think
21:45of Ann Widdicombe or something...
21:47..just to keep...
21:49..just to keep the blood from flowing down to my nether regions.
21:53To keep the wool from the door.
21:55Cheers, lovely.
21:57Oh, first date.
21:59Oh, they're in the bath now.
22:01How do you feel that I picked you and that you're here with me?
22:03How do you feel now?
22:05Yeah, no, it's nice, it's really nice.
22:07I feel like you and Biddy are very different.
22:09Oh, I think she's going off him now. Oh, yeah.
22:11I think she likes the look of Sian.
22:13But I don't think the personality's a vibe in.
22:15They're just very different people.
22:17It's been nice getting to know you and chatting to you.
22:19I feel like Sian's going to walk away from this, like,
22:21I've scored, and she's walking away thinking,
22:23man, I'm going to stick with Billy.
22:25Yeah.
22:27Where are the others?
22:29Oh, Billy, be cool, mate.
22:31Don't push her away.
22:33Exactly. Jump up, give her a hug and say,
22:35did you have a good time?
22:37We went on a different date.
22:39She's gone straight to him, hasn't she?
22:41She did the right thing. She did do the right thing.
22:43She really did.
22:45They have genuinely got a good connection, then.
22:49Yeah, it was nice, it was nice,
22:51but I just don't think it's fair.
22:53Fucking better not, then.
22:55She's sticking with Billy.
22:57Watching that's made me just kind of want to
22:59get naked.
23:01No, Sian.
23:03Like, not right now, I would use it,
23:05but I'm going to spend a bit of time later in my room just naked.
23:07Sian, that is too much information.
23:09What you do in your own bedroom
23:11is what you do in your own bedroom.
23:13I don't want to know.
23:15I really don't want to know.
23:17Close your curtains, because you live on the ground floor, Sian.
23:27In Leeds...
23:29I really love having you over,
23:31because I'd love tidying up after you.
23:33Do you have help for...
23:35No, I need to show you this, and we need to discuss it,
23:37because who opens a sandwich packet like that?
23:39I was hungry.
23:42That's psychopathic.
23:44How is that psychopathic?
23:46Oh, I'm sorry, how would you open it, then?
23:48Well, with the opening bit.
23:50I never knew it did that.
23:52Oh, you're a psychopath. You're an actual psychopath.
23:54This week,
23:56it was the hotly anticipated
23:58return of Gary Oldman
24:00and his bunch of shabby spooks
24:02that got us revved up on Apple TV+.
24:04Yay!
24:06What's that?
24:08A horse.
24:10Yeah. Slow.
24:12A slow horse. Slow horses.
24:14Oh, I've got a slow cooker.
24:20Do you think you've got what it takes to be in MI5?
24:24I think I do all right, you know. OK.
24:26Didn't you used to think that your mate's dad worked for MI5,
24:29because he said he was a keyring salesman?
24:32Yeah.
24:34But what sort of keyring salesman is never at home?
24:41She's one of the slow horses. OK.
24:43Yeah, there's just been something
24:45that I've wanted to share with you for a while.
24:47This is River.
24:49He's usually one of the more competent of them.
24:51I don't want to overstep the mark or anything,
24:53and I get it if you want to keep it to work when it comes to us.
24:56Oh, River, I'm sorry. I didn't like him.
24:58But my grandfather did.
25:00Oh. Oh, hang on.
25:02She thought he was hitting on her, and he wasn't.
25:04Oh, come on.
25:06Oh, come on.
25:08And he wasn't.
25:10Awkward.
25:12Do you think I was going to ask you out? No, I didn't.
25:14Yes, you did. Well, you did sound like that.
25:16I didn't. Yeah, you did. OK, I did.
25:18That's awkward. Well, I do. I feel closer to you.
25:20OK, can we just go on to your grandfather now, please?
25:22His grandad was, like, a famous spy.
25:24I think he's going.
25:26Going where? Oh...
25:28Dementia. Yeah.
25:30She's not bright for a spy, is she? No!
25:32Do you think that maybe he should be in her home?
25:34Yeah, yeah, I do. But do you want to tell him that?
25:36Your grandad?
25:38You know, the last time I saw him,
25:40he genuinely didn't know who I was.
25:42Oh, God. That's the worst thing.
25:44He kept telling me about his grandson, River.
25:46Like, I can't...
25:50It's horrible to see it.
25:52Well, tough shit.
25:54Tough shit.
25:56Just what you need. Yeah.
25:58That's what you need, that big cuddle. Yeah.
26:00Tough shit. Suck it up, buttercup.
26:02You need to go and see him.
26:04Tonight? Oh, I know, I know, I know.
26:06That was a good bit of tough love, that was, wasn't it?
26:08Sort it out. You've got to go and look after him.
26:12I know you're there.
26:14Come on, let me see you. Come on.
26:16This is me when I'm walking.
26:18Come on!
26:22Paranoia.
26:24It's the paranoia, but I'm looking out
26:26for dogs as well at the same time.
26:28Let me see you. Come on!
26:30He could be
26:32absolutely sane and know somebody's there
26:34or be old and confused.
26:36Yes.
26:38Oh, man, can you imagine having
26:40memory loss and be a spy?
26:42You're double paranoid.
26:44Oh, he's gone to sleep.
26:48Fucking hell.
26:50Who's at door?
26:52Oh, River.
26:54Oh, it's River. It's River.
26:56Thankfully, he still recognises River.
26:58Why didn't you call?
27:00Maybe you did.
27:02I did call you, but you didn't answer.
27:04Did you see who it was? Did you see it was River?
27:06I'm just going to run up to the loo.
27:08The traffic was awful. And I tell you what,
27:10shall I run you a bath while I'm up there?
27:12Looks like you got caught in the rain too.
27:14That's not River, Jane.
27:16I don't like it, Simon.
27:18How do you know it's not River?
27:20Is he thinking River's not River?
27:26Oh, shit, he's gone for the gun.
27:28Oh, God.
27:30Almost ready, Gramps.
27:32Oh, no.
27:34Did he call him Gramps?
27:36Yeah.
27:38Does River call him Gramps?
27:40I don't know, Jane. Don't start putting me under pressure.
27:42I'm not a spy.
27:46Oh, my God.
27:48Fuck, he's going to shoot his own grandson.
27:50This is pretty terrifying, isn't it?
27:52Fuck.
27:54Oh, no.
27:56Oh, God, Simon.
27:58You're not my grandson.
28:00Fuck.
28:02Is it?
28:04It's me. It's River.
28:06Come on, please, realise.
28:08Please, can you put the gun down, please?
28:10Oh, no.
28:12He's fucking killed him.
28:14Right, I'm not watching anymore.
28:16Oh, my God.
28:18What have I done?
28:20Yeah, it's only just bastard started.
28:22River's the good one, ain't he?
28:24Oh, he's just arrived. I'll call you back.
28:28Your lamb.
28:30He's head of the misfits.
28:32Yeah, River worked for him, didn't he?
28:34Yes.
28:36It's bad in there.
28:38I've seen bad before.
28:40Oh, no, he must be dead.
28:42That's terrible.
28:46Whose child is this?
28:48You're right, it is bad.
28:50It's fucking grouchy and shocking.
28:52He was carrying this.
28:54Phone and wallet.
28:56Oh, no.
28:58What the fuck do you need me for, then?
29:00Formal identification.
29:02Well, how can you tell if it's him?
29:04What, when he's been shot through the fricking face?
29:06Did he have any identifying marks?
29:08He used to have a face.
29:10Fricking hell, Mr Lamb.
29:12Tattoos, scars, piercings.
29:14Oh, fucking hell.
29:16Jesus Christ.
29:18I don't think it's River.
29:20Yeah, yeah, it's him.
29:22Oh, it is him.
29:24You're sure?
29:26It's River Cart, right?
29:28If I got murdered, I wouldn't want bloody Cockney Jim Royal investigating it.
29:30No.
29:32Something fishy here, Julie.
29:36Oh, it's the taxi.
29:38In Paris.
29:40He's in bloody Paris.
29:42Oh, did you know it was Paris?
29:44Who the hell are you?
29:46Who's is that passport?
29:48The guy whose face is blown off in the bathtub, probably.
29:52It's River!
29:54He's still alive? He didn't get shot in the face, that's a bonus.
29:56Yeah.
30:00Is that it?
30:02Is that it?
30:04I am hooked like crochet.
30:06Grippings.
30:08He wants to be careful in that taxi, actually,
30:10because as soon as I stepped foot in Paris,
30:12I was blown off.
30:14I should have known the guy was taking us out of fire exit to get to the taxi.
30:16Oh dear, oh dear.
30:18Like taken.
30:20It was.
30:22In Leeds.
30:24What have you got there?
30:26So, last night in bed,
30:28panicked buying a bag.
30:30Well, I ordered this one because it would come today.
30:32The other one is actually what I really want for the wedding.
30:34Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
30:36Ooh!
30:38What do you think?
30:40Well, what's the other one you've ordered?
30:42Can I have that one?
30:44What, the other one?
30:46You can't have the other one.
30:48The other one's pink.
30:50That's the one that I want.
30:52Well, I'll have that one then.
30:54Do I want his maiden voyage to be with you?
30:56All over Instagram,
30:58and then people think that I've borrowed your bag.
31:00On Sunday,
31:02it was an interview with the Prime Minister
31:04that made headline news on the BBC.
31:07Brilliant!
31:09Oh, we've got the news on in a minute, Ron,
31:11and then we're off for a nice roast dinner in the carvery.
31:14That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
31:24Is there ever a government that is popular, though?
31:26Usually, though, at the start of a new government,
31:29that's when you're at your most popular, isn't it?
31:32Yeah.
31:35But he's not started on the best footing, has he?
31:37We're going to have to be unpopular.
31:39Tough decisions are tough decisions.
31:42Popular decisions aren't tough, they're easy.
31:44It's only unpopular to the people who are going to be out of pocket,
31:48and aren't that many people going to be that out of pocket?
31:52The things the last government ran away from,
31:54that governments traditionally run away from,
31:56I'm convinced that because they've run away from difficult decisions,
32:00we haven't got the change we need for the country.
32:02That's what it is.
32:03They've run away from these difficult decisions.
32:05It's always about the last government.
32:07He can't keep singing that song for too long, can he?
32:11His early popularity problems mainly stem from the decision
32:14to scrap winter fuel payments for all but the poorest pensioners.
32:17It's pissed off the pensioners, isn't it?
32:19What's that axe in the winter fuel payments?
32:21What does it mean by that?
32:23So they used to give a winter fuel payment to every single OEP,
32:27but now they're going to means test it.
32:29OK, so only give it to the people that need it.
32:32No, I read that.
32:33The government says it will save over £1 billion this year by doing so.
32:36Wow. A billion pounds?
32:39Yeah, it'll save over £1 billion on the fuel allowance,
32:42but it'll spend that tenfold on the NHS when they've all got pneumonia.
32:47A necessary saving because of claims of a £22 billion black hole
32:51in the country's finances.
32:53Oh, this bloody black hole.
32:54Nearly half of that £22 billion, £9 billion,
32:58comes from decisions that your government has made
33:02to give many public sector workers pay rises above inflation.
33:07You say it's above inflation now,
33:09but they've been held back and had freezes for so many years.
33:12Exactly.
33:13That was a popular decision, to pay the public sector workers more.
33:17Well, he's robbing Peter to pay Paul, isn't he?
33:19That's what he's doing.
33:20I cannot fault him on giving them pay rises.
33:23Can't fault him on that.
33:25I can't fault him on taking the money off the pensioners.
33:29That's ridiculous.
33:30For a government elected to achieve change, it's been a gloomy debut.
33:34It's gloomy, but I still get a vibe
33:36that you've got an adult in charge now, though.
33:38Do you reckon?
33:39Yeah. I mean, the thing is, the country is in a mess.
33:42It's going to take a time to fix it.
33:44I mean, the main thing that'll have been going through
33:47Sir Keir's head at the moment will be to get past that 45-day marker.
33:51That's the golden number.
33:52Yeah, because then at least you've outlasted Liz Trills.
34:03In Wiltshire...
34:04I've been to Italy and I didn't come back empty-handed, Mary.
34:10So, present time, two egg caps, his and hers.
34:13Beautiful.
34:15I've got something else for you, Mary.
34:17Giles and his wife, Mary.
34:19I've bought a very, very useful Italian tool, Mary.
34:24A table, dustpan and brush,
34:26so that when you've had your boiled egg and soldiers,
34:30you can very quickly sweep up the...
34:34Oh, right, sorry, Giles.
34:35..sweep up the...
34:36But it is plastic and it is grey.
34:38Do you know how much this cost me?
34:40A pound.
34:41One euro 50. Yeah.
34:43I almost bought five of them.
34:45Oh, they're horrible.
34:46Five of them for Christmas. Sorry, Giles.
34:48Yeah, but look how neatly it fits.
34:50Yeah, it's a nice idea, but it's grey.
34:52On Monday, more long-distance love affairs
34:55were blossoming on Discovery+.
34:58Oh, this is mad.
34:59This is about people, like, create relationships online
35:03and stuff like that.
35:05Aw. Bloody mental, innit?
35:07Do you know what?
35:08Fair play to people that believe in, like, dreams like this, you know?
35:11If Nat proposed to me, then I'd get married in 90 days.
35:14So he didn't have time to change his mind.
35:19The fiancée is the bit where you go,
35:22I'm kind of... I'm at the checkout, but I'm not paid.
35:25Yes.
35:26So the fiancée bit is OK.
35:30Yes.
35:31You're in doodle.
35:33When you've crossed the line.
35:35Once the ink's dry.
35:40Is that her name? Tiger Lily?
35:42Tiger Lily!
35:4441? Yeah.
35:46Today, I am leaving for Jordan.
35:48Jordan? In the Middle East?
35:50And I'm going to be meeting my fiancée, Adnan, in person
35:55for the first time.
35:56I wonder if he's heard her voice before.
35:59That could be a game-changer.
36:01Right after I land, Adnan and I are going to be married.
36:05Right after she lands, they're going to be married.
36:08My name is Adnan. I am 22 years.
36:11Oh, you're lucky, yeah.
36:13He's only 22!
36:15That's why she wants to marry the bugger straight away.
36:18He's average!
36:19And I'm from Jordan, Amman, and I love my life.
36:22Sound. Sound!
36:24Fucking sound, pal.
36:26Well, why would he want to marry a 41-year-old from Texas?
36:30I believe in Islam.
36:31Because of my belief, I didn't respect sex before marriage.
36:36Oh, he's a traditional fella. I mean, that's quite nice.
36:40He's got a moral compass, which is quite refreshing.
36:44Quite refreshing on a programme like this.
36:46It's the first moral compass we've seen for decades.
36:49So, I'm now a virgin.
36:51Now, I could be mistaken,
36:54but I don't think she's going to be in the same, can I?
36:57Once he's married, he can have a bonk.
36:59Yeah, to put it bluntly.
37:01It's so important to me to get married
37:04in the same day as Tiger Lake coming,
37:06because we are only... We have a six-day together.
37:09Oh, that's hilarious!
37:10It's like he's on a time schedule.
37:12I have six days when I can go.
37:16Let's get a move on. Yalla!
37:18I feel like I'm a bit nervous,
37:20because it's the first time I'm seeing her in person.
37:22Oh, here we go, here we go.
37:24There she is.
37:25Hi, little baby.
37:27Hi, baby.
37:30Oh...
37:35Finally, you're with me now.
37:37Aw, nice hug. That's quite sweet.
37:39Well, they both look happy, don't they?
37:41They do, yes, yes.
37:42That's a good sign. Uh-huh.
37:48So... Ooh.
37:54Where's the chat?
37:56You'd think they would talk, cos... Yeah.
37:58They haven't ever met, so you'd be really...
38:00Ask them what kindergarten he goes to.
38:04What time do you go to school in the morning?
38:06Yeah.
38:07Do you have packed lunch on Easter dinners?
38:11Do you have any sisters?
38:13I have five sisters.
38:15No.
38:16Five sisters... Wow!
38:17..and nine brothers.
38:19What?! What?!
38:20Frigging hell, that's a lot of kids, innit?
38:23How many kids do you want?
38:25Baby boy?
38:26Five.
38:27They've only got six days, so that's one baby a day.
38:29For the next six days.
38:31You don't even tell me, baby.
38:33She's thinking, shit.
38:35Would that not be able to answer your question?
38:37Do you want kids?
38:38You'd think, wouldn't you? And how many?
38:40Yeah. Yeah, it's normal.
38:42What are you going to do when you live with me in the US?
38:46I'm just coming one week in one year.
38:48Did he just say to her,
38:51I'll just be coming for one week a year?
38:54It seems like Adnan is going to want to spend
38:58a lot more time in Jordan than I thought.
39:00There's a lot of small print missing, isn't there?
39:03Yeah!
39:04We ought to hear it.
39:06We ought to hear it.
39:08Oh, my gosh.
39:09No, don't do it, Tiger Lily!
39:11How's she going to get out of this?
39:13It is really starting to hit me that I am marrying someone
39:17that I just met a few hours ago.
39:19Yeah. Yeah.
39:21I think, you know, at what point is she going to think,
39:24maybe let's just pump the brakes a little bit.
39:27They've not even eaten a meal together.
39:29Just a dab of brakes would be nice at this stage.
39:32A sprinkling of brakes.
39:34This could be the biggest mistake of my life.
39:37Oh!
39:39It is.
39:40Maybe I don't want to do it.
39:42I think that's the first sensible thing she's said
39:45all through the show.
39:47Are you ready?
39:49Is she going to go in?
39:51Oh, is she, isn't she?
39:53Don't do it! Don't do it! Listen to your gut!
39:55Listen to your gut. Back out now.
40:00Oh!
40:01Oh, frigging hell!
40:03Don't shake, don't shake, don't shake.
40:05Why am I getting caught up in this shite?
40:07I'm kind of obsessed with how far Adnan's gone for a shag.
40:10Yeah.
40:11He's actually flown a 41-year-old Texan woman over.
40:15Oh, that is next level horn.
40:17Yeah.
40:20In Bristol...
40:21What does it feel like to wear crochet trousers?
40:23I like it, but I don't know if I could pull it off.
40:25You're too slim.
40:26You've got... Yeah.
40:27Yeah, it would be hanging on me, innit?
40:29Too slim for white people.
40:31Shane, Twain and Tristan.
40:33White people, yeah?
40:34Yeah, that's quite offensive.
40:36Like, white.
40:37I don't know if you could refer to them as white.
40:40Yeah, it's more of a stocky build, innit?
40:42He's short and white.
40:47This week saw the return of Channel 5's
40:49saucy school-based miniseries.
40:52You ready for some new drama?
40:53Yeah, about time.
40:54The Teacher.
40:55Ooh!
40:56Will Mellor.
40:57Ooh!
41:02Oh, my days.
41:03I've literally been dying to watch this.
41:05It's getting to drama season now.
41:07It's drama weather.
41:09It is.
41:10The drama weather is coming.
41:12Yeah, the summer's over.
41:13And it's dramas and straight play.
41:15Isn't it?
41:16Roll up, roll up,
41:17all aboard the adventure of a lifetime.
41:19In the programme, we saw schoolteacher Dani
41:22gathering her students together in the playground.
41:25Nothing beats out of sailing down a vertical cliff
41:27at 8.30 in the morning.
41:29Oh, they must be going on a trip of some sort,
41:31like a school trip.
41:33OK, let's go.
41:35Oh, it's him.
41:36Will Mellor, yeah?
41:37Hey-up, Will.
41:38You do know normal teachers have school trips?
41:42Will Mellor in Hollyoaks.
41:44My idol.
41:45Do you know what?
41:46That's when Hollyoaks was popping, I'm not going to lie.
41:48Yeah, I fancied the pants off Will Mellor.
41:52Yeah, I don't know when things started to change between us.
41:55Look at this cabin in the woods.
41:56Well, that's nice, isn't it?
41:58Look at that.
41:59Twinkly lights around the cabin.
42:01I can't remember the last time we had fun together.
42:06I try to arrange stuff for concert a weekend away, but...
42:10Oh, no, she's talking about her shit marriage.
42:13Yeah.
42:14To the fit teacher.
42:15Yeah.
42:16We know where this is going.
42:17Yeah, this is where work husbands come into play.
42:20Hey.
42:21What's we got all night, Kat?
42:23I'm going to have to cop skate that.
42:25You'll have to get it off me first.
42:27I'm sensing a bit of flirtation between them two, are you?
42:30Bit of chemistry, ain't there?
42:32Bit of sexual tension.
42:34You've got to water the grass of a relationship, otherwise
42:37somebody else will.
42:38Mellor.
42:41Yeah, I get it.
42:43I see why you love it here.
42:47She's getting a bit touchy-feely, isn't she?
42:49Not the chest stroke.
42:52She's touting in front of her, the dirty bitch.
42:57Oh!
42:58Oh, wow!
42:59Oh, he been wanting to do that for a long time.
43:01You can tell.
43:04HE GASPS
43:05What was that?
43:06It was a crack.
43:07Somebody's watching.
43:08Shit.
43:09Shit, shit indeed.
43:10To be fair, if a student knows anything like that,
43:13that could be very dangerous for Danny, innit, that?
43:16If anyone needs a hand with the knots, let me know.
43:18Not bad with knots.
43:21About last night.
43:23Listen, I'll be cleaning the boathouse later
43:26if you need me.
43:27The boathouse, if you know what I mean.
43:29He wants a bit more.
43:31That would just whetting the appetite, that.
43:33Oh, my God, Tyler, get your legs up!
43:35Legs up, Tyler, come on!
43:37HE GASPS
43:38Tell me you don't feel the same.
43:40He's coming on strong, isn't he, Jimmy?
43:42He not.
43:43I need to nip to the loo.
43:44No, don't leave the kids unsupervised.
43:46She's going to go for round two.
43:48Yeah, for a quickie, that's what she wants.
43:51Look at him, man, come on. How can he say no to that?
43:54That's the pose, innit?
43:55Will's been stood there smouldering for the last 40 minutes
43:58waiting for her to come.
43:59Yeah.
44:00What are you doing?
44:04You and I, it can't happen.
44:06Why are you here, then?
44:07So why are you here, then?
44:09Oh!
44:10I've done it, Jenny.
44:11SHE LAUGHS
44:13And what response do you usually get?
44:15Well, they don't actually turn up.
44:17I just practise for them.
44:19Really?
44:20She honestly has zero willpower!
44:26Oh!
44:27Literally, that whole building, it's just windows.
44:30Anyone could see them getting it on.
44:32They're going to get caught.
44:37Oh, no, not too much.
44:40Detail, please.
44:41They're going to get caught.
44:43Oh, no, not too much.
44:45Detail, please.
44:46Detail, please.
44:47They're going to give the full...
44:49We're British.
44:50..trampolining.
44:54Jesus Christ!
44:56Penetration station!
44:58SHE LAUGHS
45:04Back at the camp.
45:05Where you should be.
45:10Where are the kids?
45:11Lost the kids. Shit, I've lost the kids.
45:13What the hell are you doing?
45:14Get off there, now!
45:16I told you to wait where I left you.
45:18Double standards, that.
45:19She would break it rules in Boat House, wouldn't she?
45:21Grab your things and head back to the centre.
45:23Where's Zak? Yeah, where is Zak?
45:25I don't know, he didn't come with us.
45:26Oh, Zak's gone missing.
45:28She's really fucked up there, hasn't she?
45:30Count them.
45:32There were ten kayaks for my group here this afternoon.
45:35Yeah, there's nine.
45:36So there's one kayak missing and one child gone.
45:38I've got a bad feeling. I've got a really bad feeling.
45:41Imagine, imagine that she's lost the boy.
45:44Don't worry, we'll find him.
45:46He's watching us from somewhere, laughing.
45:48He's there.
45:52What's she seeing?
45:55Oh, my God. Oh, no.
45:56Oh, there's a kayak!
45:57He's not in it, he's not in it.
45:59Oh, shit, where's Zak, then, love?
46:05SHE GASPS
46:07Oh, no, is that Zak in the water?
46:11SHE SCREAMS
46:12Shit, the bait!
46:13He's a goner.
46:14I think Ofsted's going to have something to say about this.
46:17The most shocking thing about all that
46:19were how smooth Will Miller's ass is.
46:21It was so smooth, wasn't it?
46:23He'd ne'er that.
46:24Have you ever seen an ass that smooth on a grown man?
46:26No.
46:30Well, let's add the sparkle back into your Friday night
46:33as one dater is sticking glitter all over her date's face.
46:36Will there be a spark, though?
46:38Brand-new First Dates next on Channel 4.
46:40And one pup seems to be playing it cool
46:43but is really a little bit anxious.
46:45Can a new couple give her the home she needs?
46:47The Doghouse starts at eight this Sunday.