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00:00The more I told him about my lab, the pissier he got.
00:03You know what he said to me?
00:04He said, I hope all your correlations turn out to be specious.
00:09Is that not your face?
00:11What a dick.
00:16You know, if you're a successful woman,
00:18you should be able to brag about your accomplishments once in a while.
00:21Well, so should you.
00:22I mean, the guys are never shy about bragging.
00:25Tell me about it.
00:26How he texts me every time his dog levels up in Warcraft.
00:31Has he ever called you to tell you he found three peanuts in one shell?
00:34Because Sheldon has.
00:37We should be able to do that too.
00:40I guess we can brag to each other.
00:42It's a great idea.
00:43Damn right it is. I came up with it.
00:48That felt good.
00:54You know, there's so much money in pharmaceuticals,
00:56we don't even wash out our test tubes.
00:58We just throw them out and get new ones.
01:02I just got a brand new state-of-the-art fMRI machine.
01:05Oh, those things are so expensive.
01:07I know.
01:08Sometimes I just lie down in there and take a nap.
01:13It's like a million dollar bunk bed.
01:17At the office, I have two assistants.
01:20I don't even know their names, I just call them Thing One and Thing Two.
01:25That's great, I don't have assistants.
01:28I guess that's one of the benefits of being in the private sector.
01:31That and all the money I make.
01:34Yeah, you've got that.
01:36I've got my integrity.
01:37Hard to say which is better without making you feel bad.
01:41I may not make as much money as you,
01:42but at least I know that I'm actually doing something
01:44that makes people's lives better.
01:46Hey, my work makes people's lives better.
01:49Especially if you have moderate to severe eczema
01:52and don't mind if you lose teeth.
01:55You're right.
01:56We both do important work.
01:58I'm trying to map the structures of the brain
02:00and you're trying to convince people that itchy hair is a real thing.
02:05It is a real thing.
02:07It happens to be a side effect of our cholesterol drug.
02:12I'm just saying that my research may actually change the world forever.
02:17I hope it does.
02:18Because I'm going to see that world from a yacht so big
02:20you can land a helicopter on it.
02:23You hear about the accident at the bio lab?
02:25Oh, what happened?
02:26They were injecting rats with radioactive isotopes
02:29and one of the techs got bit.
02:31Did he get superpowers?
02:36No, he got five stitches and a tetanus shot.
02:39Oh.
02:40Well, that's disappointing.
02:42Why?
02:43Well, you get bit by a radioactive animal in a lab,
02:46you kind of want to turn into a superhero.
02:49Yeah, but who'd want to turn into a superhero?
02:51Yeah, but who'd want to become Ratman?
02:54Who wouldn't?
02:57You could zip through a maze and nothing flat,
02:59squeeze through really small holes
03:01and shut down restaurants in a single bound.
03:04And the best part of it is, if I were Ratman,
03:06you could be my sidekick, Mouseboy.
03:14Mouseboy?
03:15Oh, you don't like Mouseboy? How about Kid Vermin?
03:19First of all, if we had superpowers,
03:21I wouldn't be the sidekick, you'd be the sidekick.
03:23Ratman is nobody's sidekick.
03:27Leonard, settle this.
03:28Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?
03:30Yeah, then, and who?
03:35Twelve years after high school
03:36and I'm still at the nerd table.
03:40There you are.
03:42Oh, hey.
03:43Let me ask you a question.
03:44What are you most afraid of?
03:46I don't know.
03:47Nuclear war?
03:48Accidentally being buried alive?
03:50Any of those movies
03:51where you get that phone call
03:52that says you're going to die
03:53and then you do?
03:55No, something very specific
03:57that we both know you, Rajesh Koothrappali,
04:00are terrified of.
04:02Well, type 2 diabetes runs in my family.
04:04The thought of losing a toe...
04:05Spiders! You're afraid of spiders.
04:09What the heck is this?
04:10A jar with a big spider in it, of course.
04:13Bravery test.
04:14First one to take his hand out
04:16is the sidekick.
04:20Are you crazy?
04:21Perhaps.
04:24Are you scared?
04:25No, but it's a stupid test.
04:27Oh, really?
04:28What if the earth was in danger
04:30and the only way to save it
04:31was to stick your hand
04:32in a jar with a spider?
04:34Oh, yeah?
04:35What if the earth was in danger
04:36and the only way to save it
04:37was to take a shower in the locker room
04:38and let other guys see you naked?
04:42Oh, come on.
04:43That's never going to happen.
04:46Put your hand in the jar
04:48or forever be revealed as my sidekick.
04:51All right.
04:52I will.
04:55How did you get so brave all of a sudden?
04:57It's easy.
04:59Spider squatting up your arm.
05:08Please, Raj!
05:12Please!
05:16Raj and Howard are at Howard's mom's,
05:18but should we call the girls
05:19and see if they want to come?
05:20No, Bernadette's working late.
05:21Amy's sick.
05:22Oh, what's wrong with her?
05:23Well, she talks a lot.
05:25She always wants to hold hands.
05:27That's not what I meant.
05:29If you were referring to her illness,
05:30your question should have been
05:31what ails her.
05:34What ails her?
05:35Oh, who knows?
05:39Come on, anything can happen.
05:40We can push him down the stairs.
05:43So we're just randomly choosing a restaurant
05:45without researching it online?
05:47Yep.
05:48Great.
05:49This is how anything can happen.
05:50Thursday turns into
05:51it won't stop coming out Friday.
05:54What the hell?
05:57She's not working late.
06:00And Amy doesn't look sick.
06:02Why would they lie to us?
06:04Good question.
06:06Amy and Bernadette.
06:08Amy and Bernadette.
06:09Amy and Bernadette.
06:11Why did you lie to us?
06:14You're not working late.
06:15Why did you lie to me?
06:17And Amy, you told me you were sick.
06:19But you look just as pale and tired as always.
06:24I'm sorry, I just needed a break
06:25from hearing you obsess about
06:26what to do after String Theory.
06:29We kind of just wanted one night
06:30where we didn't have to hear about
06:31how miserable you are making this movie.
06:35But none of that means we don't love you.
06:37I haven't been complaining that much
06:38about the movie.
06:40Have I?
06:43I also love you.
06:48You know what?
06:49Maybe I need a break from all of you.
06:52Come on, Sheldon.
06:53Where are we going?
06:54We're going to have
06:55Anything Can Happen Thursday.
06:56You're going to tell me
06:57all about your science stuff
06:58and I'm going to complain about my movie
06:59and we're going to support each other
07:00because that's what friends do.
07:01Okay.
07:03Because if I had to pick now
07:04I'd probably go with Dark Matter.
07:05Shut up!
07:10Waterfalls!
07:11What?
07:12Waterfalls!
07:13Crashing waves.
07:14Babbling brooks.
07:18What are you doing?
07:19Subliminal messaging.
07:20I'm going to make you want to pee.
07:24Dripping faucets.
07:25Leaky gutter.
07:27Peeing.
07:30It's not working, dude.
07:31No.
07:33It's working alright.
07:35I have to pee.
07:37Then let go of the ring and go.
07:39Actually, I wouldn't mind going too.
07:42Fine.
07:43On the count of three.
07:44One.
07:45Two.
07:46Wait, just to clarify.
07:47When you get to three
07:48do we stand up
07:50or do we pee?
07:54We stand up!
07:56Excellent choice.
07:59Three.
08:07Something tells me
08:08this was a bad day
08:09to wear suede shoes.
08:12Ah!
08:29I've done it!
08:30I've won!
08:32The ring is mine!
08:34It's mine!
08:42I'm going to clean it up
08:43and make it pretty.
08:47My own.
08:48My love.
08:50My precious.
08:59Hey, what if I took your class?
09:03Why would you do that?
09:04Yeah, why would you do that?
09:05What's wrong with you?
09:07Thinking about getting my doctorate
09:09and he wants to teach?
09:10Why not?
09:11Oh, Howard.
09:12I appreciate the gesture
09:14but this is a graduate level physics class.
09:19I don't think you'd understand
09:20a single thing I was talking about.
09:24Ask why not again.
09:25I've got an answer.
09:27Sheldon, I'm more than smart enough
09:29to take your class.
09:33No.
09:36Yes.
09:39How would you determine
09:40the ground state of a quantum system
09:42with no exact solution?
09:44I would guess a wave function
09:45and then vary its parameters
09:46until I found the lowest energy solution.
09:49Hmm.
09:51Do you know how to integrate
09:52x squared times e to the minus x
09:55without looking it up?
09:57I'd use Feynman's trick,
09:58differentiate under the integral sign.
10:00Yeah.
10:01Okay.
10:03Um.
10:05What is the correct interpretation
10:07of quantum mechanics?
10:08Since every interpretation
10:09gives exactly the same answer
10:10to every measurement
10:11they are all equally correct.
10:12However, I know you believe
10:13in the many worlds interpretation
10:14so I'll say that.
10:15Now, do you think I'm smart enough?
10:21No.
10:24Oh, come on.
10:25You might have gone to school
10:26for a couple more years than me
10:27but guess what?
10:28Engineers are just as smart as physicists.
10:30You take that back.
10:35No.
10:39No.
10:50Oh, thank God we're home.
10:52I can't believe we spent
10:53three months in that frozen hell.
10:56It was like a snowy nightmare
10:57from which there was no awakening.
11:00I don't know what Arctic expedition
11:02you guys were on
11:03but I thought it was a hoot and a half.
11:06Oh, hi mom.
11:08No, I told you I'd call you
11:09when I got home.
11:10I'm not home yet.
11:13All right.
11:14I'm home.
11:16The Arctic expedition
11:17was a remarkable success.
11:18I'm all but certain
11:19there's a Nobel Prize in my future.
11:21Actually, I shouldn't say that.
11:23I'm entirely certain.
11:26No, mother.
11:27I could not feel your church group
11:28praying for my safety.
11:31The fact that I'm home safe
11:32does not prove that it worked.
11:33That logic is post-hoc.
11:34Ergo propter hoc.
11:37No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
11:42I'm gonna go let Penny know we're back.
11:43Mother, I have to go.
11:45Love you.
11:46Bye.
11:48Hello, old friend.
11:58Daddy's home.
12:04Leonard, you're back.
12:05Yeah, I just stopped by to say...
12:13Yeah, so hi.
12:14Hi.
12:23Damn it.
12:24I should have gone over
12:25and told her we were back.
12:26Yeah.
12:32Yeah, it was first come, first serve.
12:36You have to tell him.
12:37Tell me what?
12:40Damn his Vulcan hearing.
12:43You fellas are planning
12:44a party for me, aren't you?
12:46Okay, Sheldon, sit down.
12:49If there's going to be a theme,
12:51I should let you know
12:52that I don't care for luau, toga,
12:53or under the sea.
12:56Yeah, we'll keep that in mind.
12:57Look, we need to talk to you
12:59about something that happened
13:01at the North Pole.
13:03Sheldon, you remember
13:05the first few weeks
13:06we were looking for
13:07magnetic monopoles
13:08and not finding anything,
13:09and you were acting like
13:10an obnoxious giant dictator.
13:13I thought we were going
13:14to be gentle with him.
13:15That's why I added the tater.
13:22And when we finally got
13:23our first positive data,
13:24you were so happy.
13:25Oh, yes.
13:26In the world of emoticons,
13:28I was colon capital D.
13:36Well, in actuality,
13:38what your equipment detected
13:39wasn't so much evidence
13:41of paradigm-shifting monopoles
13:43as it was static
13:46from the electric can opener
13:47we were turning on and off.
13:51He just went colon capital O.
13:56You tampered with my experiment?
13:58We had to.
13:59It was the only way
14:00to keep you from being
14:01such a huge Dickensian.
14:04You see that?
14:05I added the Enzian.
14:08Did Leonard know about this?
14:10Leonard's my best friend
14:11in the world.
14:12Surely Leonard didn't know.
14:13Actually, it was his idea.
14:14Of course it was.
14:15The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
14:17Oh, Leonard,
14:18I don't mean to alarm you,
14:19but the Chinese food
14:20smells funny.
14:21That's because it's barbecue.
14:25But it's Chinese food night.
14:26I picked it.
14:27You're the one who told me
14:28to stop being such a
14:29satisficer all the time.
14:30What?
14:31I did not.
14:32I just pointed out
14:33that you were one.
14:34It's what I like best about you.
14:36Well, that
14:37and those little notes
14:38you leave in my lunch.
14:40I leave those!
14:44Well, that's disappointing.
14:45I already know
14:46that you heart me.
14:47Now I don't know
14:48if Leonard does.
14:49Well, this is what
14:50we're having for dinner.
14:51You can eat it or not.
14:52I don't care.
14:53I guess that answers
14:54the heart question.
14:56It's fine.
14:57We'll have barbecue.
14:58Of course.
14:59I am nothing if not flexible.
15:00I am sure that at some point
15:02in the 3,000 year history
15:04of the Chinese empire,
15:05a cavalryman crossing
15:06the Gobi Desert
15:07was forced by hunger
15:08to eat his own horse
15:09and roast it over a campfire.
15:10Hence,
15:11Chinese barbecue.
15:12Let's eat.
15:15Gee, I'm sorry.
15:16I didn't watch the news today.
15:18Has the whole world gone mad?
15:21It's my house.
15:22I'm tired of being told
15:23where I can and can't sit.
15:26You did this.
15:29Amy, grab your meat.
15:30We're leaving in a huff.
15:33I'm sorry.
15:34If I don't go now,
15:35it's not a huff.
15:39Don't take this the wrong way,
15:41but that was even more
15:42exciting than the sex.
15:45Don't take this the wrong way,
15:47but yes, it was.
15:51Hey.
15:52Okay.
15:53Now that everyone's here,
15:54we can begin.
15:58Before we do,
15:59I just talked to Leonard,
16:00and if you're gonna spend
16:02all your time trying
16:03to belittle me
16:04by making this class
16:05unnecessarily hard,
16:07then I'm out.
16:09If you're interested
16:10in making a sincere effort
16:11to be a good teacher,
16:13then I'm willing
16:14to give this a shot.
16:16I suppose that's a fair request.
16:18There's no reason we both
16:20can't benefit from this experience.
16:23Okay.
16:26Well then,
16:27first things first,
16:29are you familiar with
16:30the brachistochrone problem?
16:31I am.
16:32Good.
16:33And how it relates
16:34to the calculus of variations?
16:35It's an inverted cycloid.
16:37Wonderful.
16:38Now, what about
16:39Euler-Lagrange theorems?
16:40That's where I'm a little fuzzy.
16:41Ha!
16:42I knew it.
16:43All right.
16:45We have a lot of information
16:46to cover before your first test,
16:48which, by the way,
16:49is in eight minutes.
16:51The good news is
16:52I'm grading on a curve,
16:53so you're pretty much
16:54guaranteed a C.
16:56All I do is win, win, win,
16:58no matter what.
16:59What are you doing?
17:00Everybody's hands go up, up,
17:02and they say the L.
17:04What are you doing?
17:05If you're going to be
17:06a crappy teacher,
17:07then I'm going to be
17:08a crappy student.
17:09Uh, uh,
17:10Utica's going in on the verse
17:11because I've never been defeated
17:12and I won't stop now.
17:13No, stop it!
17:16This is a classroom.
17:17This is not
17:18a student bandstand.
17:19Okay.
17:20Now, where was I?
17:21Let's see.
17:22Oh, yes, over here.
17:23You...
17:26What are you doing now?
17:27Making a straw.
17:29Why?
17:30So I can shoot you
17:31with a spitball.
17:34You're not going to do that,
17:36and I'll tell you why.
17:37This is an institution
17:38of higher learning.
17:39I am your professor,
17:41and you're going to treat me
17:42with the proper...
17:43Oh!
17:48You shot your spit in my mouth!
17:52Is that going to be on the test
17:53because I don't think
17:54I can do that again?
17:57I say this ring belongs
17:58to the last person
17:59who can hold on.
18:01Fine, but can't we go home
18:02and start this?
18:03Sure.
18:04Let go of the ring.
18:06All right, it starts now.
18:12You do realize
18:13there's a giant bug movie
18:14marathon tonight
18:15on the Sci-Fi Channel?
18:19No.
18:32Where?
18:33My laptop.
18:45Yeah, there's a point
18:46when this becomes idiotic.
18:48But it wasn't when
18:49we were driving like this.
18:52We wrote you
18:53a special thank you note.
18:57Are those words?
19:01No.
19:03It's a secret code
19:04that you two
19:05get to figure out together.
19:09Hint,
19:10it's based on Sanskrit,
19:12but not the Sanskrit
19:13you're thinking of.
19:16And best of all,
19:17you can't use
19:18the internet to cheat.
19:20Because we locked you
19:21out of your Wi-Fi
19:22and the answer to this
19:23is your new password.
19:29I'm no longer happy.
19:33Leonard, excellent.
19:34I want to show you something.
19:36Can it wait?
19:37I need to talk to you.
19:38Just look.
19:39I've designed the perfect
19:40uniforms for our team.
19:41The colors are based
19:42on Star Trek,
19:43the original series.
19:44The three of you
19:45will wear support red
19:46and I will wear command gold.
19:49Why do they say AA?
19:51Army ants.
19:54Isn't that confusing?
19:55AA might mean
19:56something else
19:57to certain people.
19:59Why would a physics bowl team
20:00be called anodized aluminum?
20:03No, I mean...
20:05Never mind.
20:07Check it out.
20:09I got you
20:10a Batman cookie jar.
20:12Oh, neat!
20:14What's the occasion?
20:15Well, you're a friend
20:16and you like Batman
20:17and cookies
20:18and you're off the team.
20:23What?
20:25Howard, Raj and I
20:26just had a team meeting.
20:27No, you didn't.
20:28Yes, we did.
20:29I just came from there.
20:30Okay, I don't know
20:31where you just came from
20:32but it couldn't have been
20:33a team meeting
20:34because I'm on the team
20:35and I wasn't there.
20:36Ergo, the team did not meet.
20:38Okay, let me try it this way.
20:41I was at a coffee klatch
20:42with a couple of friends
20:43and one thing led to another
20:44and it turns out
20:45you're off the team.
20:48Why?
20:49Because you're taking
20:50all the fun out of it.
20:51Well, I'm sorry.
20:52Is the winner
20:53of the physics bowl
20:54the team that has the most fun?
20:55Okay, let me try it this way.
20:57You're annoying
20:58and no one wants to play
20:59with you anymore.
21:01You reported me
21:02to human resources?
21:04You violated
21:05the sanctity of my mouth.
21:08Well, I dropped your class
21:09so I hope you're happy.
21:11I told you you weren't
21:12smart enough to take it.
21:13I'm smart enough, Sheldon.
21:14Asking me a bunch of questions
21:15about a topic
21:16I'm not familiar with
21:17doesn't prove anything.
21:18I could do the same to you.
21:20Try me.
21:21Okay.
21:23You enjoy making fun
21:24of engineering so much.
21:27How do you quantify
21:28the strength of materials?
21:30Young's modulus.
21:32Is that right?
21:33Yeah.
21:37Okay, how do you prevent
21:38eddy currents in a transformer?
21:41Laminate the core material.
21:43Come on, give him a hard one.
21:44That was a hard one.
21:47All right.
21:48How does the flow rate
21:49in a pipe
21:50depend on its diameter?
21:54You don't know, do you?
21:58What's the matter, smart guy?
22:00Don't know Poiseuille's Law?
22:08Thank goodness I got it!
22:14Now I can quit checking my stool.
22:19Hey, got a sec?
22:20Sure, what's up?
22:22I just want to let you know
22:23I get why you don't want me
22:24to be a part of
22:25the planetarium show.
22:26Oh, great.
22:27Thanks for stopping by.
22:29You don't want to talk
22:30about the stars
22:31next to an actual astronaut.
22:33That would be like
22:34doing karaoke with a rock star.
22:37First of all,
22:38I've totally done karaoke
22:40with a rock star.
22:41Or are you forgetting
22:42when the spin doctor
22:43handed me the mic
22:44at the Orange County Fair?
22:46Listen, I understand
22:47you being intimidated,
22:48but I can't help
22:49that I'm proud
22:50of being an astronaut.
22:51It's a big deal.
22:52It certainly is,
22:53but I also happen
22:54to be very accomplished
22:56in my field.
22:57Great.
22:58So you have no reason
22:59to be scared
23:00of sharing the spotlight.
23:01Please.
23:02I may be scared
23:03of heights,
23:04spiders,
23:05showing up at a costume party
23:06that turns out
23:07to be a regular party,
23:09but I am not scared
23:10of sharing the spotlight
23:11with you.
23:20What's happening?
23:21I just stormed out
23:22for dramatic effect.
23:23I don't have anywhere to go.
23:27Please welcome
23:28to the Griffith Observatory
23:29astronaut
23:30Howard Joel Wolowitz.
23:36Kakarot.
23:39Don't ask.
23:40Don't ask.
23:43Thank you, Raj.
23:44That was a really
23:45nice introduction.
23:46Well, it's from my heart.
23:47So, Howard,
23:49you are in an elite group.
23:51Only 232 people
23:53have ever been
23:54on the International
23:55Space Station.
23:56How does that
23:57make you feel?
23:59Honestly, lucky.
24:01Most astronauts
24:02have to train
24:03their whole lives.
24:04I was just in the right place
24:05at the right time.
24:06Oh, please.
24:07Luck had nothing
24:08to do with it.
24:09You people need to know
24:10how impressive this man is.
24:12He was up there
24:13because he's the only one
24:14qualified to install
24:16a piece of equipment
24:17that he designed.
24:18Thanks, but if you want
24:19to talk impressive,
24:20this guy right here
24:21discovered a planetary object
24:22outside the Kuiper Belt.
24:24He worked on the Mars rover.
24:25He helped launch
24:26the New Horizons Space Probe.
24:27He went to space
24:28in a Russian rocket.
24:32And I was scared
24:33the whole time.
24:34And I was scared for you,
24:35but also proud.
24:39Wow, I don't think
24:41you've ever said that
24:42to me before.
24:44I should have.
24:45And I'm going to say it again.
24:47I'm proud of you.
24:49You're my best friend
24:50and I love you.
24:53Oh, Raj, I love you too.
24:56What is happening?
25:00Bring it in, spaceman.
25:01You've been cleared
25:02for landing.
25:07Can you believe he's here?
25:08Are you crying?
25:12There wasn't ever
25:13going to be a winner.
25:14There was going to be
25:15a selfish, petty person
25:16with a ring
25:17and three people
25:18who used to be his friend.
25:19Is that really what
25:20you guys want?
25:21Because if it is, fine.
25:22I don't want anything
25:23to do with you.
25:24And I don't know
25:25what happened in that bathroom,
25:26but I am not cleaning it up.
25:39My precious.
25:54I knew it.
25:59Give us the precious.
26:00No, no, no.
26:01No, no, no.
26:02No, no, no.
26:03No, no, no.
26:04No, no, no.
26:05No, no, no.
26:06No, no, no.
26:07No, no, no.
26:08No, no, no.
26:09Give it to me.
26:10Get off of me.
26:11Give me the ring.
26:12It's mine.
26:13We've got to go back
26:14to dating dumb guys
26:15from the gym.
26:16Give me the ring.
26:17Give it to me.
26:18Give me the ring.
26:19I said, give it to me.
26:20It's mine.