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00:00Sheldon, you can't fix this with gifts.
00:02Nevertheless, I've hurt you,
00:04and whether you forgive me or not,
00:06I want you to have this.
00:10You're giving me a couch cushion?
00:12No, the cushion is merely symbolic.
00:15I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
00:20But you love that spot.
00:22No, I love my mother.
00:24My feelings for my spot are much greater.
00:28It is the singular location in space
00:31around which revolves my entire universe.
00:35And now it's yours.
00:38Oh my God, dude, now you have to forgive him.
00:43All right, apology accepted.
00:46High five.
00:48Not too hard.
00:53I haven't cried like this since Toy Story 3.
00:57I know.
01:02I gotta tell you, Sheldon,
01:03I understand why you chose this spot.
01:06The temperature's good, but there's no draft.
01:09I can see the television, but I can still talk to it.
01:11I changed my mind, get out of my spot.
01:15How long?
01:1694 seconds.
01:23Leonard will be back in a couple days,
01:25and I need a welcome home gift for him.
01:27As he's been at sea, perhaps something
01:30with a nautical theme might be appropriate.
01:33Okay, well, I don't know how much you want to spend,
01:35but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue.
01:43Aquaman?
01:44This isn't a gag gift, Stuart.
01:48Yeah, just as well.
01:49It's a pretty rare piece.
01:51I'd rather just sell it to a real collector.
01:54I'm a real collector.
01:57How rare is it?
01:58Oh, I shouldn't even have mentioned it.
02:00How about a Batman squirt gun?
02:03Don't try and trick me into buying something I don't want.
02:07Now, let's talk Aquaman.
02:09$1,200, that's my final offer.
02:13All right, Sheldon, you win.
02:15I'm sure Leonard is gonna love this.
02:17Oh, right, a present for Leonard.
02:21You better throw in that squirt gun.
02:24Yeah, I don't know.
02:24This squirt gun, it's pretty rare.
02:29Ooh.
02:38I don't see anything in here a woman would want.
02:42You're kidding.
02:43You've got lotions and bath oils and soaps.
02:47That's the estrogen hat trick.
02:49What it is, is a cacophonous assault
02:53of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon, and vanilla.
02:57It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.
03:01Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff,
03:03let's just go next door and build her a bear.
03:06I told you before, bears are terrifying.
03:10Come on, bath stuff.
03:12It's perfect.
03:13You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff,
03:16spearmint and green tea scented bath oil
03:18promotes relaxation.
03:19I presuppose this penny is tense.
03:21She knows you, she's tense.
03:22We all are.
03:23Buy a basket.
03:24Excuse me, we're ready.
03:25No, we're not.
03:27Let's say for a moment that I accept
03:29the bath item gift hypothesis.
03:31I now lay the following conundrum at your feet.
03:33Which size?
03:35This one, let's go.
03:37You put no thought into that.
03:39I'm sorry.
03:41This one, let's go.
03:44I have insufficient data to proceed.
03:46Excuse me, miss?
03:48Yes?
03:49If I were to give you this gift basket,
03:51based on that action alone and no other data,
03:54infer and describe the hypothetical relationship
03:56that exists between us.
04:00Excuse me?
04:02Here.
04:04Now, are we friends, colleagues, lovers?
04:09Are you my grandmother?
04:13I don't understand what you're talking about
04:14and you're making me a little uncomfortable.
04:18See?
04:19Sounds just like you and Penny.
04:20We'll take it.
04:45Great news, Leonard.
04:47I've solved my Penny gift dilemma.
04:49Yippee.
04:51You see, the danger was that I might
04:53under or over reciprocate,
04:54but I have devised a foolproof plan.
04:57I will open her gift to me first
04:59and then excuse myself feigning digestive distress.
05:02Then I'll look up the price of her gift online,
05:06choose the basket closest to that value,
05:08give it to her,
05:09and then I'll return the others for a full refund.
05:14Brilliant.
05:16It is, isn't it?
05:18Is it okay if I hide them in your room?
05:20The smell makes me nauseated.
05:24Do whatever you want.
05:26That's very gracious.
05:29Gentlemen.
05:34Why couldn't you have just done what Leonard did
05:36and get Penny a new boyfriend?
05:39Oh!
05:43I got you a little something.
05:45A little something?
05:51What?
05:52This is huge.
05:53What's huge is what you've done for me.
05:55Oh, no, Amy, I haven't done anything.
05:57No, no, before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower.
06:00But look at me now.
06:01I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl
06:05with a posse, a boyfriend,
06:07and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things.
06:11Open it, open it.
06:13Okay.
06:23I wanted to get you something you didn't have.
06:27Wow.
06:29I don't know what just wow.
06:33Do you like it?
06:34Do I like it?
06:36Wow!
06:38So, where are you gonna hang it?
06:39Oh my God, hang it, wow!
06:42You know, I'd have to get a hook and nails and a hammer.
06:46No problem.
06:47Oh, look!
06:49You just, you got it all right there, wow!
06:55How's that?
06:57A little higher on the right.
06:59Now?
07:00A little more.
07:01That's got it.
07:03Yeah.
07:05Yeah, okay, that's good.
07:09I'll let you in on a little secret.
07:12Originally we were painted nude.
07:21But I had him add clothes
07:22because I thought it was an unnecessary challenge
07:24to our heterosexuality.
07:29Yeah, good call.
07:31But if you ever change your mind,
07:33all it would take is some warm soapy water
07:34and a couple of sponges.
07:38You're talking about the painting.
07:39Sure.
07:58That's not the secret knock.
08:00This is the secret knock.
08:06What difference does it make?
08:07The whole point of a secret knock
08:09is to establish a nonverbal signal
08:11to verify the identity of one's co-conspirators.
08:14Is that Raj and Howard?
08:15Possibly, but unverified.
08:17You just let us in.
08:19Luckily for you, this is not a nuclear reactor.
08:22So, what'd you get the birthday boy?
08:24Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition
08:26Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross'
08:29definitive Batman.
08:30And I got him this amazing autographed copy
08:32of the Feynman Lectures on physics.
08:34Nice!
08:35I got him a sweater.
08:38Okay, well, he might like that.
08:39I've seen him get chilly.
08:43Sheldon, I didn't see your present.
08:44That's because I didn't bring one.
08:46Why not?
08:47Don't ask.
08:47The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.
08:50Too late.
08:51Let's say that I go out and I spend $50 on you.
08:54Well, it's a laborious activity
08:56because I have to imagine what you need,
08:57whereas you know what you need.
08:59Now, I could simplify things,
09:00just give you the $50 directly.
09:02And then you could give me $50 on my birthday and so on
09:05until one of us dies,
09:06leaving the other one old and $50 richer.
09:11Can I ask you, is it worth it?
09:14Told you not to ask.
09:16Well, Sheldon, you're his friend.
09:18Friends give each other presents.
09:20I accept your premise.
09:21I reject your conclusion.
09:23Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
09:29Wait, what?
09:29Just do it.
09:33It's a non-optional social convention.
09:38Oh, fair enough.
09:43He came with a manual.
09:46So, we got everybody gifts.
09:49Aw.
09:51Did you forget about us until you were at the airport?
09:55No, we forgot about you until we were on the plane.
09:59Luckily, there was wifi and I have Amazon Prime.
10:04I heart New York.
10:05Aw, the baby's gonna love throwing up on this.
10:08Look, it doesn't have to just be New York.
10:10That's the beauty of it.
10:11The initials NY can stand for anything you like.
10:14For instance, I understand that there is
10:16an elderly rock and roll musician named Neil Young.
10:18Perhaps you heart him.
10:20Or, if not him, Egyptian table tennis silver medalist
10:23Noha Yasri.
10:25Or Nana Yamaguchi, the Japanese voice actress
10:28who starred in Sally the Witch.
10:31Did you just Google the initials NY?
10:33I had wifi and a long plane flight.
10:35Draw your own conclusions.
10:37Well, guys, that was very, very thoughtful of you.
10:44Did you get me a double XL?
10:46I told you.
10:47You're right, dear.
10:50Are you gonna tell me where we're going?
10:52Because if it has the words farmers or market in it,
10:54I don't wanna go.
10:56You were talking about all the things
10:57you thought you would never have,
10:59so I thought I would get you one.
11:06Oh my God, you bought me the Batmobile?
11:09No, no, no, no, no, no.
11:13I rented you the Batmobile for the day.
11:16This is amazing.
11:21Be careful.
11:22I did not get the insurance.
11:40Come on, Robin.
11:47You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair.
11:50We've been holding onto this for a few years,
11:52but maybe now's the time.
11:55We can just lock the door.
11:56You don't have to kill him.
11:59Can't kill him.
12:00He'll just respawn at the last save point.
12:04Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom.
12:08Okay, as long as that's not a urinary tract infection,
12:10that's a personal best.
12:12Hey, buddy, I got you a little present.
12:15Really?
12:16Yeah, go ahead, open it.
12:21Congratulations.
12:22The bearer of this certificate
12:24is entitled to the ultimate train experience
12:29at the Nevada Northern Railway.
12:31You are at the throttle.
12:34You are the engineer.
12:36You are running the locomotive.
12:42This doesn't happen very often,
12:45but here comes a hug.
12:50Oh, dear, I have to tinkle again.
12:58Okay, where were we?
12:59Oh, well, isn't this nice?
13:05What is it?
13:07You know, it's one of those...
13:13Nope, doesn't do that.
13:15Oh, maybe it's candy.
13:16Lick it.
13:19I don't wanna lick it.
13:20You lick it.
13:21I'm not gonna lick it.
13:22I just brush my teeth.
13:24Is it from one of your dumb sci-fi shows?
13:26None of the sci-fi shows I watch are dumb.
13:29Sheldon.
13:29Okay, Westworld.
13:31But this has nothing to do with that show,
13:32other than it's also inexplicable.
13:35Well, Leonard and Penny are our best friends.
13:37They know us better than anyone.
13:38They said it's the perfect gift.
13:39We must be missing something.
13:44What?
13:49You don't think it's a marital aid, do you?
13:56Well, don't be silly, Amy.
13:58How is this big glass shaft going to aid our marriage?
14:06Hello.
14:07Hey.
14:07I just wanted to pop over
14:09and hand deliver this thank you note
14:11for your very thoughtful wedding gift.
14:13Oh, good.
14:15You guys liked it?
14:16Well, we liked it a lot more than things that aren't it.
14:18I'll tell you that.
14:21Well, yeah, that's great,
14:21because when we saw it,
14:22we thought Amy and Sheldon just have to have that.
14:25Oh, do tell.
14:25Now, paint a picture for me,
14:27like where you were when you found it
14:29and what you thought we'd enjoy doing with it.
14:33Do you not know what it is?
14:35Of course he knows what it is.
14:37Smartest man in the world.
14:40Well, I don't know about the world.
14:42No, some of those Chinese fellows are pretty clever.
14:45Now, if you'll excuse me,
14:46I'm going to return home and use your gift
14:49in the manner which it was intended.
14:55He's never going to figure it out.
14:57I know.
14:59What are you?
15:02Gosh, this makes me happy.
15:04Yeah.
15:05Penny.
15:06Penny.
15:08Penny.
15:09What happens if I say come in?
15:12Find out.
15:13Come in.
15:18Bernadette, Bernadette, Bernadette.
15:22Come in.
15:25Keep it up, I got nowhere else to be.
15:28Just come in.
15:31For future reference,
15:32if I want to watch Mean Girls,
15:33I'll stream it on Netflix.
15:36We're sorry, what do you need?
15:38Well, as you know,
15:38I'll be celebrating Amy's birthday with her,
15:41and I could use your assistance
15:42in helping me select the perfect gift.
15:44Sure.
15:45Well, so far, I've come up with three ideas.
15:46The first is a chance for her to play the harp
15:49with the L.A. Philharmonic.
15:50Wow, you can really arrange that?
15:52No, I said a chance.
15:54When you tell them it's your birthday at Bennigan's,
15:56they make a fuss.
15:57I don't see why the Philharmonic would be any different.
16:00How about something a little more realistic?
16:02Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters,
16:05so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip
16:08to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wolf Festival.
16:11Sorry, I was waiting for the bazinga.
16:16Come on, it could be romantic,
16:17the two of them away together,
16:18keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin.
16:21No, no, no, no, she'd be going alone.
16:22But if you think I'm afraid of birds,
16:24you see me around sheep.
16:26Okay, well, what's the third option?
16:28That I have coitus with her.
16:29Oh!
16:30Oh!
16:31Oh!
16:32Oh!
16:33Oh!
16:34Oh!
16:34Oh!
16:35Oh!
16:36Oh!
16:37Oh!
16:38Oh!
16:39Oh!
16:39Oh!
16:41Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965
16:44in mint condition.
16:46One where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married.
16:49Oh, dear.
16:54I was afraid of this.
16:55What?
16:56While a thoughtful gift,
16:58this comic book in this condition
17:00is worth at least $100.
17:02Yeah, so?
17:03I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth $88.
17:08Which places me in your debt.
17:11And I can't be in your debt
17:12because someday you might ask me to help you move.
17:17Or to kill a man.
17:21I doubt he'll ask you to kill a man.
17:23Well, what if it's his only way out?
17:25I can't risk it.
17:27Here is $12.
17:32Now we're even.
17:34Yeah, wait, wait, wait.
17:35I bought a card.
17:36Give me $2.
17:41For the record, this is why I hate gift giving.
17:45I'm so glad you guys are friends again.
17:48I'm glad you and I are friends again, too.
17:50No.
17:51Which reminds me, this came in the mail
17:53and I want you to have it.
17:5550 cents off of Vagisil.
18:00Think of me when you apply it.
18:01Yeah.
18:05Can I just say, I've missed all of us hanging out together.
18:08Yeah.
18:09Me too.
18:10Since when can Cthulhu Pali talk
18:12in front of the girls without a beer?
18:14Oh, that happened right after you left.
18:17No one told me?
18:18Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
18:24Think of Sheldon when you apply it.
18:29Hi, you guys got a minute?
18:30Sure, what's up?
18:31Well, I was thinking about Sheldon's little joke
18:34the other night about me eating all your food.
18:36Oh, that was no joke.
18:37But I understand your confusion
18:40as I am our group's resident cut-up.
18:44I'm sorry, you are our resident cut-up?
18:48Yes.
18:50Prove it.
18:52Knock, knock.
18:52Who is there?
18:53Interrupting physicist.
18:54Interrupting physicist.
18:55Mew on.
18:57Anyway, I got a little residual check from my commercial
19:00and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys
19:01a little thank you to pay them back?
19:04So Sheldon, ta-da.
19:06Oh, a vintage mint in box 1975 Mego Star Trek transporter
19:12with real transporter action.
19:13Hot darn.
19:16Where did you get that?
19:18That's from Stuart at the comic book store.
19:19You went to the comic book store by yourself?
19:22Yeah.
19:23You went to the comic book store by yourself?
19:25Yeah.
19:26It was fun.
19:27I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks.
19:32Felt pretty good.
19:34This calls for an expression of gratitude.
19:36Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug?
19:39No, not this time.
19:39Then they wouldn't be special.
19:42Thanks, Penny.
19:44You're welcome.
19:46Don't worry, I didn't forget about you.
19:49Leonard, I got you a label maker.
19:53Oh.
20:02No, it's great.
20:04Also a mint in box.
20:07And I got you a transporter jam.
20:09Awesome.
20:14Look, it was actually designed
20:16for my vintage Mr. Spock action figure.
20:18Oh, that's great.
20:20Open it up and put him in there.
20:21No.
20:23Why are there just toys?
20:25They're mint in box.
20:27Come on, can't we open one up and take a look?
20:29No.
20:30Once you open the box, it loses its value.
20:34Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture
20:35about my virginity.
20:40Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun
20:41taking it out and playing with it.
20:44Amy, I'd like to apologize.
20:47Your accomplishment was impressive,
20:50and I'm proud of you.
20:56We both know that's your koala face.
20:57I told you.
21:00Okay, look, he bought you this.
21:03Jewelry?
21:05Seriously?
21:06Sheldon, you are the most shallow,
21:08self-centered person I have ever met.
21:10Do you really think that another transparently manipu-
21:12Oh, it's a tiara!
21:14A tiara, I have a tiara!
21:16Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me,
21:18put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me.
21:24You look beautiful.
21:25Of course I do, I'm a princess, and this is my tiara!
21:38You were right, the tiara was too much.
21:43Hey, Stuart.
21:44Hey, Raj.
21:45Gonna help you with?
21:46I need to buy an engagement gift.
21:48Well, you came to the wrong place.
21:52It's for Sheldon and Amy.
21:53No way, they're engaged?
21:55Yeah.
21:56That's exciting news.
21:57Who'd have thought Sheldon and Amy would be the next two
21:59to tie the knot?
22:01Tell me about it.
22:01I'm the one who caught the bouquet
22:03at Leonard and Penny's wedding.
22:06Okay, you know, they might like this.
22:11Superman and Wonder Woman, it's kind of romantic.
22:17You know what?
22:18Why am I buying them a gift?
22:19They have love.
22:20Screw them and their happiness.
22:22What do you have for someone who's bitter and alone?
22:26Literally everything.
22:29They're my friends, and I should be happy for them.
22:32And I'm trying, but all I feel is this annoying,
22:36empty sensation in my gut.
22:38I had that once.
22:40Turned out it was a tapeworm.
22:45Cool.
22:47It's just, it's hard talking to my other friends about this,
22:51but I knew you'd understand.
22:52Why is that?
22:53Because you and I are both alone,
22:55which is actually kind of comforting
22:57because at least we can be alone together.
23:00Hmm, this is awkward.
23:02I was actually gonna close up a little early tonight
23:05because I have a date.
23:07Really?
23:08Yeah.
23:11Forgive me if I'm having trouble being happy for you.
23:16Don't be silly.
23:17I'm loving your pain.