Therapy Thursday: She Wants To Be A Mom, But He's Been Lied To Before About Having A Kid
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00:00Which therapist you need. Therapy Thursday. Now on Wild 94.1. I understand therapy. Hi everybody. Hi Dr. Nick. Therapy Thursday is on. This is where we try and do our community service for the folks out there. Uh, it's Dr. Dov. He's here. It's Meredith M.D. Check it in. It's Orlando BGYN. Stirrups ladies.
00:22888-429-0941. If you have any question, we'll give you a 60 second session and try and help you out and get you on your way with some good advice. Maybe some will be bad. I mean, we just basically said high school pranks were okay. So I don't know how you want to trust us with the therapy Thursday, but it is what it is. So let's see what we got. Anybody got one first?
00:45Yes, I have one. Uh, this person has texted in a few times, so I'm going to read it. I am married and I have three teenage sons. My husband and sons constantly have their hands down their pants when they walk around the house. It's like they're always checking to see if their junk is still attached.
01:00It's a habit.
01:01As the lone female in our household, I find this completely gross and I've asked them a million times to stop, but it seems their habit is unbreakable. I need advice on how to curb this behavior because I do find myself that it's gross, but they shouldn't be doing this in public too.
01:16Oh, okay. Um, here's the fix. It's actually easy.
01:20Cut it off.
01:21No, no, that's not the fix. That's another fix. Mine was a little easier and less expensive.
01:28Tell dad to stop.
01:31Yeah.
01:31You said dad does it and the kids picking up cues from dad.
01:36Kids watch their fathers and learn.
01:39I see my dad drink the orange juice out of the carton. Guess what I'm going to do?
01:42And then you're going to get mad at me, but you can't get mad at him because he's daddy and you really can, but he's still daddy.
01:48Yeah. He's the one that's setting everything up.
01:50Daddy's the one that is teaching you. It's okay to touch inside your pants.
01:54Now, of course it's yours. You can touch it if you want to body holding the definition and stuff like that.
02:00But still, yeah, you got to kind of like, you know, teach your kids where it's appropriate and where it's not appropriate.
02:06Girls aren't walking around doing that all day.
02:08Right. And you know what? Honestly, honestly, you probably should.
02:12Because I got to tell you, every man out there enjoys putting his hands in his pants.
02:16Why is that?
02:17It's a thing. I don't know why.
02:19I've always, my mom told, I remember when I was old enough to where my mom was still pulling my clothes out for me.
02:27And I was laying there on the bed after she had given me a bath and I was just playing their guitar.
02:32Dibbity dibbity.
02:32And I didn't know what it was. It wasn't like I was menacing, you know, but I was like, and I remember she turned around and was like, hey, boy, stop doing that.
02:41And I remember that scolding.
02:43You remember that moment?
02:43Like, and I had to be like three or four.
02:46Wow.
02:46And it's probably scarred me for life, which is why I can't keep my hand out of my pants now.
02:50So, you know, teach dad to do right and the kid will do right also.
02:54Okay.
02:54That's what I say.
02:55All right. We got a caller coming in.
02:57Let's see.
02:58On line one.
02:59Let me look at the screen here.
03:00It's Kyle.
03:01Kyle, what up?
03:03What's going on, guys?
03:04You got a question for one of the docs in the building?
03:07I do.
03:08I'm going to go with Meredith because I've had a couple other, you know, male opinions on it.
03:14I want maybe a little bit of a gentler touch, but I also want everyone else to know.
03:17We all have a gentle touch, but you can take a shot with Meredith.
03:20What you got?
03:22I've been in a relationship for eight years.
03:25We're engaged.
03:26I adopted her last kid from her last relationship when we first met.
03:30So I'm the only dad that she's known.
03:33We have our own kid together who's two now.
03:36However, she's still married to her previous ex.
03:40Hasn't filed for divorce.
03:42And it's getting to the point now where we've been together for eight years.
03:45And it's starting to divide us because of that.
03:49It's starting to divide you?
03:52More so than it has before.
03:54Where now I have to pick either work or the home life that isn't really a home life, but I have an opportunity at work.
04:01Is she just being lazy about this?
04:03It is a long process and paperwork and lawyers and all that.
04:06I mean, why hasn't she filed minimum?
04:09No one has that answer.
04:11And I can't get it out of her.
04:12Her parents, his parents.
04:14What did she say?
04:17She said it's one was a money issue.
04:19I make six figures a year.
04:21So it's definitely not a money issue.
04:22I'm just trying to figure out what her explanation is.
04:27Well, we got to get to the question because we got to give you a 60 second session.
04:31So you got to capsulize this into a question for me.
04:34My biggest question is, is this the time to pull the plug?
04:38If so, how do I do it while I still want to be the father to our other daughter?
04:44Okay, I gotcha.
04:46I think it's time where I don't like saying the word ultimatum.
04:50But it's like, dude, I do not want to be wasting my time.
04:53I adopted a child.
04:55We are family together.
04:57Why don't you want to move forward with me?
04:59You are being a lazy human being here.
05:02And unless you can explain, there's another reason why you will not file for divorce.
05:07I am not going to put up with you or this anymore.
05:10I will always be a parent to our kids.
05:12But I cannot be with somebody that does not want to be with me.
05:15Let me ask you this.
05:17Because, I mean, it's part of the whole thing.
05:20If the cost is an issue, can you help with the cost?
05:23Oh, 100%.
05:24Okay.
05:25But then you've, I mean, enough said.
05:27Then you've given that, you've taken that away from us.
05:29So if that response comes back to you, you even have a fix for that.
05:33So Meredith is right.
05:35Yeah.
05:35So, I mean, I don't want you to put down your foot and do an ultimatum.
05:39Because sometimes it doesn't work out in your favor.
05:41But it sounds like you're at the point.
05:42I mean, we're at eight years now.
05:43I personally just had a friend that went through this.
05:46And she's now happy in a different relationship.
05:49Because after five years, he would not file for divorce.
05:52So you know what?
05:52She's playing with you.
05:53And you're not going to be playing games anymore.
05:55Go ahead and tell her.
05:56This is an ultimatum.
05:57Do you want to have a family with me or not?
05:59There we go.
06:00Quit playing games with my heart.
06:02With my heart.
06:03With my heart.
06:04With my heart.
06:05With my heart.
06:07All right.
06:07There you go.
06:07Just backstreet it up.
06:08There you go.
06:09All right.
06:09We got another call coming in.
06:11No name.
06:12Hello.
06:13Welcome to Therapy Thursday, no namer.
06:15What's going on?
06:17Hey, Orlando.
06:18This is Stanley from Sarasota.
06:20Okay, Stanley from Sarasota.
06:21What's good?
06:22All right.
06:23Here's my problem.
06:24I have four kids.
06:26I love my kids to death.
06:28My two oldest are my stepkids.
06:31Now, my oldest is 14.
06:36And my stepdaughter is 13.
06:38Now, the problem I'm having is I'm buying a new house, and they should probably know
06:47who their real father is, but he passed away.
06:50And I'm getting a little kickback because they're getting older now and getting a little
06:56disrespectful.
06:56And I'm trying to figure out how to tell them, you know, I've sacrificed a lot for you guys
07:03and, you know, and tell them that, you know, I'm not really their real father.
07:08Okay.
07:09So, they don't know you're not their father.
07:11Well, I've been in their life since one year old and six months old.
07:14Their father has that.
07:15So, they don't remember.
07:16They only know you as a father.
07:18They only know me.
07:18So, I mean, so why is it important to tell them, to remind them that you're not their
07:23dad?
07:23Like, you are their dad.
07:24You've been there in the job.
07:25Like, you've done the job.
07:27Absolutely.
07:28But, you know, I have their friends.
07:30Oh, why is it your last name the same as theirs?
07:33Why don't you look exactly like your younger...
07:37Okay.
07:37All right.
07:38I got it.
07:38He's feeling disrespected.
07:39Listen, first of all, what you have to do is communication is key.
07:43You have to sit down with them and talk about the fact of what family is about.
07:47And family ain't always blood.
07:50It's family is commitment.
07:52It's trust.
07:54It's the fact that they've grown up in a house that you've taken care of.
07:57And now in this new house situation, you always made sure that you've encompassed that
08:02love around them, around all four of your children.
08:05You said you love all your children to death.
08:07So, explain that love to them.
08:09Explain to them that you'd do anything for them.
08:13And remind them that, hey, have you ever known a time when I wasn't here for you?
08:17So, with that being said, I want you to understand, I am your father.
08:22We have people out there who have the same blood and the same last name and who can't
08:27stand each other.
08:29We are family because we are made to be together.
08:33And so, we might have the same different last names because your father has passed on.
08:38But I took that job and I gladly took it years ago when you were infants and I'm still here
08:45taking care of you.
08:46All I ask for is respect and you always have mine.
08:50Give them that talk to remind them about how much you love and how much you're committed
08:54to them.
08:54Because most of the times people buck back because they were, they scared and they feel
08:58like there's something they don't know or some sort of secret.
09:00Or lost.
09:01So, let them know how much you feel for them and just be honest with them.
09:04And I guarantee you, you'll take the gas out of that attitude.
09:08All right?
09:09All right, man.
09:10I appreciate it.
09:10Hey, Meredith.
09:11Mer, mer, mer.
09:12Mer, mer, mer.
09:14Love you, too.
09:15All right, Stanley, man.
09:17Appreciate you, fam.
09:17Good luck with everything.
09:18Wow.
09:19You know what?
09:19Get it, man.
09:20I like the fact that you're out there taking care of them kids and have to remind them.
09:24That ain't nothing wrong.
09:25No, and that's difficult to deal with.
09:27Okay, Davi, I want you on on this.
09:29Please be my therapist for the day.
09:31I have a problem with my ex.
09:33We've been broken up for seven years now, but in January, recently, we've been hooking
09:38up again.
09:39It's been pretty confusing.
09:40It has been a lot, but yet it's comfortable and I don't care to go and hook up with anyone
09:45else right now.
09:46But I feel like it's making him think we have a chance of getting back together when he cheated
09:51on me numerous times and was very unloyal and very insecure.
09:56It was a very stressful relationship, but I need him to know if I need to know if I should
10:02just cut him off in general.
10:03Well, you're lying to yourself if you think that he doesn't have a chance of getting back
10:08there because him spending time with you, hooking up with you after seven years, after
10:12you swore you would never, ever, ever talk to him ever again, and now he's back means
10:17that he does have a chance.
10:18So the first conversation you need to have is with yourself.
10:21Before you talk to him, you need to talk to yourself.
10:23Hey, what do I want?
10:25Because you can't play both sides.
10:27You're in, oh, you're out.
10:28But what you're doing right now is you're straddling the fence and it's only going to
10:32lead to disaster.
10:33So if you want him and you can forgive him and it's been seven years and it's comfortable
10:36and it's nice and you want to give him another shot, that's one thing.
10:40But him, I need to let him know that he can...
10:42No, you need to let yourself kind of figure out what direction you want to go in because
10:46right now you're going in two opposite directions and it's not going to end well.
10:50Be honest with yourself.
10:51Oh, you're in a relationship.
10:52I don't know.
10:53Maybe you're the last person to know you're in a relationship.
10:56It's not a really good one, but you're in a relationship.
10:59All right.
11:00Leon is on the phone.
11:01Leon, what's going on?
11:03What's going on?
11:04Hey, all right.
11:05Well, you asked for...
11:06Oh, you got him.
11:07What's your question?
11:09Yeah, brother.
11:09Um, so my question is, I have, um, my wife and I, we have three children, one together
11:15and then two from a previous situation that I was in.
11:18Okay.
11:18Um, my oldest daughter is in her teenage years and, um, my question is basically, well, the
11:26issue we're having is basically, um, my ex, her mother allows her to do things in her
11:31home.
11:32We have 50, 50 custody.
11:33She allows her to do things in her home that we don't allow her to do than mine.
11:36Um, so she kind of has the image of the fun parent as we're, as on our end, you know,
11:43we try to structure discipline, rules, respect as a lady, different things like that.
11:48So we're running into that issue where we get backlash or we get back talk from our
11:51daughter because it's just separate where her mom's house.
11:53She's the only child at her mom's house.
11:55She's the only grandchild with her grandma and her grandfather and everything else.
12:00So we've been battling the issue where we have to, you know, everything we say seems
12:04to be like, Oh, we, we're, we're the party poopers.
12:07Are we trying to make her not have fun from how she's done?
12:09I understand totally what you're saying.
12:11And, and, and she's the older of your kids in your house, right?
12:15Correct.
12:16And we have, we also have, so we have a, um, a teenager, a preteen and a, and an eight
12:21year old.
12:21Right.
12:21That's perfect.
12:22That's perfect ammunition.
12:23I got enough ammunition right there.
12:25Here's the deal.
12:25Here's what, here's, here's what you need to do.
12:27First of all, don't disparage against her, her mom's house because that's going to be
12:32personal against her.
12:33It's going to be hard for her to respect you.
12:35If you talk trash about her mom, cause she's holding her up.
12:37She's a fun parent.
12:38So the more you down, down there, you and your wife, and I'm talking about you and, and
12:42your whole collective of the family, just because it's different.
12:44Don't downplay it because that part of it is going to make more separation between you
12:48and your daughter.
12:49So what I would say is concentrate on the fact that like, listen, mom can do certain things,
12:54certain ways, because you are just, just you and her, you guys know each other's ways,
12:58but you're over here showing your way that you're acting to your younger siblings.
13:03And we have a different setup here.
13:04We have to have a different amount of rules because I'm a different person.
13:08You and me and your mom aren't together anymore.
13:10So I run this household the way I see fit.
13:13And you kind of have to respect that because I'm your dad and I'm not going to disrespect
13:17how she does it.
13:18She just chooses to do it a different way.
13:19Cause it fits her situation there.
13:22What I can't deal with is you being disrespectful to me because we got to respect each other.
13:27I mean, and, and kind of talk to her on that level where you're not saying the bad way.
13:32Like, you know, like was most people, when they point out what you're supposed to not
13:35be doing, they downplay what you are doing.
13:37So you're like, you can maybe able to do that over at your mama's house, but you're not
13:40going to do that here.
13:41If you can ever think back to something that you have said in that ilk, that's why you get
13:46an attitude back because you didn't basically call my mama out of her name.
13:50You know what I'm saying?
13:51And I happen to like my mama because my mama let me stay on the phone all night and my mama
13:54let me do stuff.
13:56So separate that.
13:58Don't talk that way.
13:59Give her the respect that you like to, and no, tell her, I apologize for ever saying something
14:04like that because I don't want you to see me disrespecting your mom because it seemed
14:07to open an avenue for you to disrespect me.
14:09I want you to respect me.
14:10I'm going to respect her.
14:11We going to all respect each other, but we got a different set of rules.
14:14So let's talk about it and talk your way through.
14:16Do it.
14:16She's the older one.
14:17That'll set a great tone for the family and you'll get it knocked out.
14:20All right.
14:20All right.
14:21Appreciate you.
14:22All right, Pam.
14:22Appreciate it.
14:23You know what?
14:24I'm impressed.
14:25You're impressed with what?
14:26That was great advice.
14:27I was like soaking that in 100%.
14:29I mean, you do know I'm a doctor.
14:32I love that.
14:33You do not understand.
14:34This whole therapy Thursday thing.
14:36Five stars.
14:37I'm Orlando BGY here.
14:39For a reason.
14:40I got stirrups and everything.
14:42I'm official.
14:44All right.
14:44Can we get one more?
14:45Let's see.
14:45What do we do?
14:46One more.
14:46Okay.
14:46We'll do one more.
14:47First time texter.
14:48I have now been with my boyfriend for two years.
14:51We are pretty serious.
14:52We live together.
14:53I want to be a mom more than anything.
14:55My boyfriend also wants to have kids.
14:57Not now, which I understand.
14:59But every time I bring up the conversation about kids, he shuts it down fast.
15:04He's had a bad experience in a past relationship where the girl lied about having his kid.
15:09He dealt with that for over two years until he finally found out the kid wasn't his.
15:13I feel like this issue messed him up.
15:15What should I do?
15:16Oh, that's painful.
15:18It did mess him up.
15:19Did you?
15:19Did that ever happen to you, Orlando?
15:21Somebody lied about that with you?
15:22Yeah.
15:22Okay.
15:23Really?
15:23Well, then why don't you go ahead and start?
15:24I know.
15:25Listen, I've talked about mine.
15:27It will mess him up, I will say.
15:28And it messes with your trust issues.
15:30But it's a different relationship.
15:32You got to let him know that and understand that you would never do that to him.
15:35But if she wants to talk about having kids, you can't just completely shut down the conversation.
15:39I think if you have a trigger and if your trigger is somebody messing around, if your trust issues or whatever, if they love you, they'll help you through it.
15:47But don't just immediately think that I'm okay because, you know, I'm different.
15:52That's what they told me, too.
15:53So I'm still gun shy about it.
15:55So let him be gun shy.
15:56Everybody's on their own timeline.
15:57So just because however long it's been, you feel like, hey, he should get over it by now, he's still pretty scarred by that.
16:04You said he doesn't want kids right now, which I understand.
16:07And I don't know if you fully, fully understand that.
16:11Right.
16:11You say you understand.
16:13Right.
16:14So if this is...
16:14You don't have to talk about it, though.
16:15Can we at least have a conversation about it?
16:17Why do I have to talk about something I'm not ready for right now?
16:20In the future, women like talking about the future.
16:23And that's what's wrong with women.
16:24Y'all got great things about you.
16:26Your curves, your softness, your smell nice.
16:28Intelligence, anything like that.
16:29Y'all have some intelligence in there.
16:31Y'all are great planners, nurturers.
16:33Like, you know what I'm saying?
16:34Y'all are strong ladies, too.
16:35Like, you've seen humans come out of you.
16:37Y'all are strong, but y'all talk too much.
16:39Y'all talk too much.
16:40That man don't want to talk about it, and you want to talk about it.
16:42You're like, oh, I know you're not ready to hear about it, but let's talk about it.
16:46Like, no, no, go away.
16:47No, no, no.
16:49Okay, we're all on different little issues here.
16:52Y'all got a lot of strengths, but just talk too much.
16:54So let that man live, and let him live with that trauma that you're trying to unearth, and leave him alone.
17:00He'll get around to it, and y'all can wait.
17:03I say try to let him open up to the possibility just a little bit, but don't bring it up all the time.
17:08But you can't force somebody to open up.
17:09I understand that, but he should be able to be an adult and talk to me about this every once in a while.
17:13But how often are you bringing it up?
17:15That I don't know.
17:16Because he won't talk about it.
17:17Dobby's message just translated to the same thing I said.
17:19Shut up.
17:20Shut up.
17:21Dad, I don't want that.
17:22What?
17:23Orlando and the Freak Show.
17:25Messed up therapy right there.
17:26Shut up.
17:27Shut up.