Murphy Brown Season 5 Episode 1+E02 You Say Potatoe, I Say Potato
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00:00Hey!
00:09Oh, please.
00:12You can do better than that.
00:13Come on!
00:20All right, that's more like it.
00:22Now I want you to remember what that sounded like,
00:24and then when I come back tomorrow, we can try it again.
00:27We're all proud of you, but let's not get carried away.
00:32It's not like what you did has never been done before.
00:35Oh, really, Frank?
00:36And when was the last time you did it?
00:39When was the last time you nailed a mob boss on camera
00:43in front of 30 million people?
00:45In fact, now that I think about it,
00:47I let that applause die down a little too soon.
00:50Everybody?
00:50Erby, enough about your story.
00:53I haven't seen such a desperate cry for attention
00:56since my aunt asked to wear a peek-a-boo blouse
00:58to meet the new rabbi.
01:00You're already late for a pitch meeting.
01:02Let's not waste any more time.
01:03Oh, come on, Miles.
01:04Give me a break.
01:05I didn't sleep well last night.
01:07I had the weirdest dream.
01:10You're not going to believe this,
01:11but in this dream,
01:12I, Murphy Brown, was actually pregnant.
01:14Who was the father, Nixon?
01:26You know, you wouldn't laugh if you'd like this dream.
01:30It was so realistic and so detailed.
01:33And so long.
01:35And get this.
01:36I had a boy.
01:38No more snacks before bedtime,
01:42especially something called
01:43I Can't Believe It's Not Salami.
01:47Well, I think I can speak for the rest of humanity
01:50when I say thank God it was only a dream.
01:53And now, can we please just get back to it?
01:56Uh, one second, Miles.
01:57I see I still have one more nightmare to deal with.
02:03Hi, I'm Murphy Brown.
02:05You must be my new secretary.
02:06What did I say?
02:15What?
02:16What?
02:17What?
02:20Oh, God.
02:23Not again.
02:29Okay, okay.
02:32There's no need to panic.
02:33Let's just calm down.
02:34Are you wet?
02:37Did you be changed?
02:40Did you dream Pat Buchanan was hiding under your bed?
02:45I can't be hungry.
02:47You just ate?
02:48Oh, 22 minutes ago.
02:53Look, you're gonna have to give me a little more of a hint than this.
02:57Listen, I got these books.
03:01You see this book here?
03:03You're supposed to be sleeping for three hours at a stretch.
03:06It's written by an MD,
03:08so I think a professional person just might know a little more about this sleeping business than you.
03:13Look, I don't mean to be critical.
03:18After all, I think it's important that a man be able to cry,
03:22but I really think you've mastered it, and it's time to move on.
03:26Oh, come on.
03:34Is this any way to celebrate your first night home?
03:36Oh, come on.
03:42Look, I really didn't want to do this, but you've just left for no choice.
03:48Here comes Mr. Ducky Face.
03:59Bring down the ducky place.
04:04Quackety, quackety, quack, quack.
04:11Oh, jeez.
04:12Nick at Night presents Faith.
04:18Stay tuned for...
04:18Okay, where is he?
04:32Where is that precious bundle?
04:34Oh, how I envy you.
04:37The hours of eternal bliss you must have spent on your first night.
04:41Wow, were you recently dragged by a horse?
04:46As a matter of fact, Eldon, yes, I was.
04:49My Comanche paperboy stopped by to collect, and I refused to pay up.
04:54I want you to listen to me because I'm too tired to say this twice.
04:58The precious bundle is upstairs asleep for the first time in 16 hours,
05:02and if you do anything to change that,
05:04I will rip out your vocal cords, and you can wear them home as suspenders.
05:08The hormones of motherhood have yet to reach that place in your brain that controls speech.
05:21Eldon, I'm sorry.
05:22Last night was the longest night of my life,
05:25and that includes the night Bella Absinthe stopped by to show me slides of her dude ranch.
05:30Okay, it's only now, sure.
05:34You're going through a period of adjustment.
05:38I mean, after all, you've been alone for many years,
05:40and then a whole new life force entered the house.
05:44Someone with a different rhythm, a different sensibility.
05:48Well, you get used to me, and eventually you get used to the baby, too.
05:51I'm not so sure.
05:53At least I understand you most of the time.
05:55He's a complete mystery to me.
05:57The book says that there's one cry when he's hungry,
06:00another when he's wet, another when he's tired.
06:02They all sound the same to me.
06:04It's like having a conversation with a porpoise.
06:07Well, have no fear, little mother,
06:10because help has arrived.
06:12With the new swinging snooze by Baby Master,
06:15constructed of durable space-age polymers right here in the USA
06:19and guaranteed to lull your child to sleep
06:22in your choice of three different speeds,
06:24slow, medium, and z-z-z-z-zing!
06:29Baby!
06:31I made that last part up.
06:35Alvin, this is so great.
06:37If this thing works, it's going to put you right into the top ten list
06:40of what to name the baby,
06:41right in between Robert Kennedy Brown and Desmond Tutu Brown.
06:45Will you hurry up and name this kid?
06:48You know, it's not healthy.
06:49He's four days old.
06:51It's not that easy.
06:53He's going to be stuck with this for the rest of his life.
06:55I want to make sure I pick the right name.
06:58Think about it.
06:59What would have happened to you
07:00if your parents had named you Clark?
07:04Clark.
07:06Clark Bernanke.
07:08Whoa!
07:09Oh, I saw a whole different light flash before my eyes.
07:11I think it revolved around the insurance business.
07:16That's my point.
07:17Now, could we discuss this later?
07:19I'm interviewing nannies all day,
07:20and the first one's due here any minute.
07:22I just have time for the world's quickest shower.
07:24Oh, I think we should forget about quick.
07:26We're looking at the 30-minute pre-sop minimum.
07:29And while you're doing that,
07:31I'm just going to go sneak a peek at the little nipper.
07:33Are you out of your mind?
07:35That kid can hear a marshmallow dropped on the carpet a block away.
07:38He's got the eardrums of a Peruvian fruit bat.
07:42Now, you take this monitor, and you just stay in here.
07:44And if you need to look at a kid,
07:46there's a picture of one on that box.
07:50This is emotionally satisfying.
07:54Especially with a price sticker right on his forehead.
07:56Oh, God.
08:01I really needed that shower.
08:03It's starting to grow a moss on my north side.
08:09Hello.
08:10I'm Mrs. Jenkins.
08:12I'm here about the nanny position.
08:14Yes, well, come right on in.
08:17Nice to meet you.
08:18Um, I don't usually look like this.
08:24I did on magazine covers, really.
08:26There's a friend in the guest room upstairs
08:27if you'd like to take a look.
08:29Oh, for heaven's sake, there's no need to apologize.
08:32You've just had a baby.
08:34Besides, I think you look wonderful.
08:36Oh, sure.
08:37And if you don't take this nanny position,
08:38you can always get a job
08:39as one of the president's economic advisors.
08:41Mrs. Jenkins, this is Eldon Bernicke.
08:51I'd love to visit, but I'm watching the baby.
09:00So, here we are.
09:05Um, I have to admit,
09:08I'm not quite as prepared as I'd hoped to be.
09:12Um, I guess I should ask you
09:14the typical question that a mother would ask,
09:17a motherly kind of question asked by a mother.
09:21In this case, me.
09:22And I guess that question would be, uh,
09:26well, let me see.
09:27It could be anything from...
09:28I got one.
09:31The child comes downstairs for breakfast.
09:34Do you notice that he's wearing
09:36one red sock and one green sock?
09:39What do you do?
09:40Ellen, I don't...
09:40Oh, no, no, no, dear.
09:41That's all right.
09:42It's a very interesting question.
09:44Of course, what you want to do
09:46is to avoid embarrassing the child
09:49while sending him back to his room
09:51to put on matching socks.
09:53Ha ha ha.
09:54Okay.
09:55Now, what if he says that he sees
09:57nothing wrong with the socks that he has on?
10:01Well, I suppose I'd suggest
10:03we have him tested for color blindness.
10:05He's not colorblind.
10:07He just likes wearing two different color socks, okay?
10:11In that case, I would firmly explain to him
10:15that if he didn't conform to acceptable dress codes,
10:18he would eventually experience trouble
10:21fitting into society.
10:23Uh-huh.
10:24I see.
10:24I see.
10:35Well, from all you've told me
10:37and everything I see here,
10:39your qualifications are exceptional.
10:41And these references,
10:42particularly the five-page letter from Dr. Spock,
10:45exclamation points,
10:48as far as I'm concerned,
10:49you can start...
10:50Uh, thinking about my next question,
10:55which I will be asking momentarily.
10:57Okay.
10:59Here's the situation.
11:02It's a beautiful autumn day.
11:04You decide to take the child to the park for a walk.
11:07While walking through the park,
11:09you stumble upon a small dead bird.
11:12Now, do you, A, explain the bird's place
11:16in the cycle of regeneration, birth, and death?
11:19Do you, B, tell the child the bird is sleeping?
11:22Or do you, C, distract the child
11:25while kicking the bird under a bush?
11:30I'm sorry.
11:32Exactly what is your relationship to the child?
11:35It's a long story.
11:37Well, I suppose I would choose B
11:40and tell the child the bird was sleeping.
11:43Uh-huh.
11:47Well, uh, I think that's all we need.
11:50Thank you very much for coming.
11:52I'll just see you out.
11:58It was C.
11:59Kick the bird, right?
11:59Yeah.
12:04Well, I've always believed
12:06that my job is to provide the child
12:08with a nurturing environment
12:10while carrying out the wishes of the child.
12:14And although the relevance of the question escapes me,
12:18I'd have to say that
12:19while I appreciate the irony
12:21in Warhol's Campbell's Soup portraits,
12:24I doubt that in 200 years
12:28they'll be hanging next to the Van Goghs
12:30and the Dorsey Museum.
12:32Well, our search has ended.
12:36Oh, well, and let me just say
12:38I thought your answers to those questions
12:41were excellent,
12:42especially in the philosophy bonus round.
12:47So tell me, how soon can you start?
12:50Well, it's 10.30 now.
12:51I guess I could start after lunch.
12:54Oh, gee, it's a little later than I'd hope,
12:56but if that's the best you can do...
12:58Oh, also, I just want to apologize
13:01for putting you through such a third degree,
13:04but I'm sure you understand.
13:06After all, I am entrusting you
13:08with the care of my only child.
13:11That's quite a responsibility,
13:13especially when you consider
13:14that there'll be many hours of the day
13:16when I won't be here.
13:18It'll just be you, all alone.
13:21A total stranger who walked in here
13:24only an hour ago
13:25and my son.
13:29A helpless child,
13:31unable to speak or defend himself
13:33with no real muscles
13:36in his tiny baby neck.
13:38A sweet, innocent pawn
13:40in whatever bizarre, satanic ritual
13:42or sick Tupperware party
13:44you and your twisted French juice
13:46to put him through.
13:47Miss Brown, why is it you can start
13:49as early as today?
13:50Need a job fest?
13:52On the land?
13:53Maybe the FBI would be interested
13:55in your fingerprints,
13:56which I have on the coffee mug
13:58you just used in the living room.
14:01Oh, yeah, you got nothing to hide.
14:05Look at her run like a rabbit.
14:07Oh, yeah, you got nothing to hide.
14:10Midnight searching
14:12funniest mom in America.
14:16Hi, everybody.
14:19Good to see you.
14:20How are you?
14:22Hi, guys.
14:23What are you doing here?
14:24You're supposed to be home
14:25on maternity leave.
14:26Is everything all right, Slugger?
14:27Where's the baby?
14:28He's home with Alvin
14:29taking a nap.
14:30Everything is fine.
14:31I've got everything under control.
14:33Well, sure,
14:34it was a little tricky at first,
14:36but I think I've finally
14:37turned the corner.
14:38Well, I just thought
14:39since I had a few minutes,
14:40I'd stop by the old sweatshop
14:42and, um,
14:45thank everybody
14:46for the wonderful gifts
14:48that they sent.
14:49Really, everyone,
14:50thank you so much.
14:52Marv, new billy
14:53I did just help this time.
14:55I'll treasure your gift
14:56for years to come.
14:57I sent you a box of Huggies.
15:00Well, I must have been
15:01thinking of Lynn.
15:02Now that was a thoughtful gift.
15:03I haven't sent you
15:06anything yet.
15:07Oh.
15:07Well, I guess we know
15:08what you'll be doing
15:09on your lunch hour.
15:11And just a little hint,
15:13I'm up to my ears
15:14in those chintzy ornaments
15:15that say babies
15:16first Christmas.
15:20And I love them all.
15:23Uh, I've heard.
15:25Are you sure you're all right?
15:27Of course I am, Frank.
15:28Happy, relaxed,
15:29basking in my role
15:31with his new mother.
15:32So I just came down
15:33to check my mail,
15:34return a few phone calls,
15:36and I'll be on my way.
15:37What are we working on?
15:38Murphy,
15:39would you stop
15:40trying to play Superwoman?
15:43We can handle things here
15:44without you for a little while.
15:45Absolutely.
15:45Right.
15:47As your boss,
15:48I am ordering you
15:49to go home
15:51and enjoy the magic
15:52of these first precious days
15:54with your son.
15:57Okay, please don't let me go.
15:59Just let me stay
15:59five more minutes.
16:01I'm telling you guys,
16:02I'm going crazy.
16:03I haven't slept
16:03in 72 hours.
16:05I don't have time
16:06to eat or shower.
16:08Look, look at this.
16:09Dear Lord,
16:10I think she's going
16:10to expose herself.
16:11I wish I would.
16:12I've been wearing
16:13these same lousy pajamas
16:15for three days.
16:17None of this
16:17is going the way.
16:18Lord would.
16:20I had to hire
16:20a lactation nurse
16:21to teach us
16:22how to breastfeed.
16:23Can you believe it?
16:25I finally have a chest
16:26and the only man
16:27in my life
16:27doesn't know
16:28what to do with it.
16:29You've just got
16:36to give yourself
16:37a chance.
16:38You'll figure
16:38all this out.
16:39No, I won't, Frank.
16:41This mother stuff
16:42is the hardest thing
16:43I've ever done.
16:44And I'm one
16:45of the fortunate ones.
16:47I have a secure job,
16:48a fairly stable life,
16:50I'm educated.
16:51Last night,
16:52I bit the head
16:53off a stuffed bunny.
16:54I think we've had
16:56just about enough
16:57of the self-pity.
16:59Instead of dwelling
17:00on the difficulties,
17:01why not look
17:02on the bright side?
17:03After all,
17:04in the old days,
17:04a woman burying
17:05a child out of wedlock
17:06would have been
17:07still in debt.
17:11Gee, Jim,
17:12I hadn't considered that.
17:13Oh, God.
17:17My time is up.
17:20Bessie has to get
17:21back to the barn.
17:22Come on.
17:30You're almost there.
17:33The eyelids are fluttering.
17:35That's five bucks.
17:36Pop them all the way
17:38and I'll make it ten.
17:40Browsy thoughts.
17:41That's what we want.
17:43I'll even help you.
17:44Warm milk.
17:47Long car rides.
17:49Paul Songus.
17:50We have touched down.
17:56Good job,
17:57little Abner.
17:59Oh, yeah,
18:00little Abner Brown.
18:01That'll work.
18:02Well,
18:02don't worry.
18:04We'll try again tomorrow.
18:05Oh.
18:12Oh, no.
18:13Oh, no, no, no, no.
18:14No, no, no.
18:17Okay.
18:18It's okay.
18:19That,
18:19that,
18:20that,
18:20that was just an angel
18:22singing a little
18:23ding-dong song.
18:26And now,
18:27Mommy's going to kill
18:29that angel.
18:35Hi, Murph.
18:36I just stopped by
18:37to see you.
18:38Oh,
18:39he's crying.
18:40No, he's not,
18:41Frank.
18:41That's me
18:42throwing my voice.
18:43Want to see me do it
18:44while I drink a glass of water?
18:45It's okay.
18:46It's okay.
18:48It's okay.
18:49It's just Frank.
18:51You remember him
18:52from the hospital?
18:54He's the one
18:55that got thrown out
18:56for riding
18:57the floor buffer.
19:01Murph,
19:02he's,
19:02he's never gonna
19:04stop if you keep
19:05holding him like that.
19:07Oh, nice, Frank.
19:08First,
19:08you terrorize my child
19:10and then you blame me
19:10for it.
19:11What's wrong with the way
19:12I'm holding him?
19:13Well, nothing
19:13if he's the main course
19:14at a luau.
19:17Let,
19:17let me just,
19:18let me hear.
19:19Let me hear.
19:20Oh, okay.
19:24That's okay.
19:26Uncle Frankie's here.
19:27Yeah.
19:29What is that, Frank?
19:30Where'd you learn
19:30to do that?
19:31Hey,
19:32you grow up
19:33in a family
19:33with seven kids
19:34who pick up
19:34a few things.
19:35Oh, yeah.
19:37You seem to know
19:37if you hold him
19:38out there in the breeze,
19:39he's gonna get scared.
19:41You gotta hold him
19:41in close.
19:42This way,
19:42he feels secure.
19:44Oh,
19:44sometimes,
19:46it's really great
19:47to just rest his head
19:49on your left side.
19:50This way,
19:51he can hear your heartbeat.
19:53Yeah.
19:53Wait a minute, Frank.
19:54I wanna write
19:55this stuff down.
19:58Hold,
19:59close,
20:00secure,
20:02heartbeat.
20:03You're swaying.
20:04Why are you swaying?
20:05And that padding business,
20:06what's that about?
20:06Oh, I mean,
20:07you just do them.
20:09It feels right.
20:10Oh, great, Frank.
20:11You've got better
20:12maternal instincts
20:12than I do.
20:14Sway,
20:15sway,
20:16pat, pat, pat.
20:17But, Murph,
20:18would you stop
20:20writing this stuff down?
20:22You can't go at it
20:23like a reporter.
20:25You've gotta just
20:26feel your way through it.
20:27Now, come on.
20:28I want you to give it a shot.
20:29Oh, no, no, no.
20:30You're doing fine.
20:30Murph,
20:31you can do this
20:32and sooner or later
20:33you're gonna have to.
20:34Now, come on.
20:35Here you go.
20:36Yeah.
20:37Yeah.
20:41Yeah.
20:42Well, okay.
20:43That's just not too bad.
20:46Would you just relax?
20:47Loosen up a little bit.
20:49He's not gonna break.
20:54You may want to
20:55just slow that down
20:57a little bit, Murph.
20:58Just a touch.
20:59It's more of a sway
21:02rather than a bounce.
21:04Oh, jeez.
21:05I'm gonna give him
21:05baby whiplash.
21:09Oh, Frank,
21:10this is so weird.
21:11You walk in the hospital alone
21:13and then
21:13two days later
21:15they send you out
21:16with a total stranger.
21:18Oh, sure.
21:19They tell you
21:20he came out of your body.
21:21But after 39 hours of labor,
21:23who remembers?
21:25Murph.
21:26Oh.
21:27He's sleeping.
21:28You see?
21:28You did it.
21:29I told you you could.
21:30Amazing.
21:32He's actually sleeping.
21:34In my arms.
21:37Oh, now
21:38this is more like it.
21:41Oh, yeah.
21:42You're a very good partner.
21:46You know, Frank,
21:47this is the first time
21:48since I came home
21:49that I feel like
21:50I just might be able
21:51to do this.
21:54You are a lifesaver.
21:58Now,
22:00if you want to go
22:04for sainthood,
22:05all you have to do
22:06is watch him
22:07for 10 minutes
22:07while I take a shower.
22:10Go.
22:11Take as long as
22:11shower as you want.
22:12I am just gonna sit here
22:14and watch the evening news.
22:16today in a speech
22:20focusing on the American family,
22:22Vice President Dan Quill
22:24had some strong comments
22:26on what he termed
22:27a poverty of values,
22:29citing Murphy Brown
22:30as an example.
22:32The speech part of a
22:33West Coast campaign
22:34was delivered
22:36in San Francisco
22:36to the Commonwealth
22:38of California.
22:40It doesn't help matters
22:41when primetime TV
22:42has Murphy Brown.
22:44He is talking about you.
22:46Today's intelligent,
22:48highly paid,
22:49professional woman
22:50mocking the importance
22:53of fathers
22:53by bearing a child alone
22:56and calling it
22:57just another
22:58lifestyle choice.
23:01Mr. Quill
23:02later expanded his remarks
23:03to say that he believed
23:05examples like
23:06Murphy Brown
23:07glamorized
23:08single motherhood.
23:09Glamorized
23:10single motherhood?
23:11What planet is he on?
23:13European community.
23:15Look at me, Frank.
23:16Am I glamorous?
23:24What's that?
23:24You look disgusting.
23:25You're damn right.
23:26People in prison
23:27get to shower
23:28more often than I do.
23:30And what was that crack
23:31about just another
23:31lifestyle choice?
23:32Murph, take it easy.
23:34The baby...
23:34I agonized over that decision.
23:36I didn't know
23:36if I could raise a kid
23:37by myself.
23:38I know, I know.
23:38I'm worried about
23:39what it would do to him.
23:40I'm worried about
23:41what it would do to me.
23:42I didn't just wake up
23:43one morning and say,
23:44oh, gee, I can't get in
23:45for a facial.
23:45I might as well have a baby.
23:49I don't blame you
23:50for being angry,
23:51but consider the source.
23:52I mean, this is the same guy
23:53who gave a speech
23:54at the United Negro College Fund
23:56and said,
23:56what a waste it is
23:57to lose one's mind.
23:58He spent the rest
24:04of his term
24:05showing the country
24:05exactly what he meant.
24:07Well, tomorrow
24:08he's probably gonna get
24:09his head stuck
24:10in his golf bag
24:11and you'll be old news.
24:12But he said,
24:12Murph, it's Dan Quill.
24:15Forget about it.
24:16I want to talk about
24:27Dan Quill.
24:29No.
24:31Dan Quill.
24:33What can I say?
24:34He was the source
24:34of any laughs.
24:35Yeah, you're telling me.
24:36He was a very, very funny character.
24:38I mean, not believable at all,
24:39but hilarious.
24:40Who created him?
24:41I am just gonna sit here
25:00and watch the evening news.
25:02Today in a speech
25:06focusing on the American family,
25:08Vice President Dan Quill
25:10had some strong comments
25:11on what he termed
25:13a poverty of values,
25:15citing Murphy Brown
25:16as a...
25:17I am just gonna sit here
25:23and watch the evening news.
25:27Today in a speech
25:28focusing on the American family,
25:30Vice President Dan Quill
25:32had some strong comments
25:34on what he termed
25:35a poverty of values,
25:37citing Murphy Brown
25:39as an example.
25:40The speech part
25:41of a West Coast campaign suite
25:43was delivered
25:44in San Francisco
25:45to the Commonwealth Club
25:47of California.
25:48It doesn't help matters
25:49when primetime TV
25:51has Murphy Brown.
25:53He is talking about you.
25:55...that advises
25:55today's intelligent,
25:57highly paid,
25:58professional woman.
25:58mocking the importance
26:01of fathers
26:02by bearing a child alone
26:04and calling it just another
26:06lifestyle choice.
26:09Mr. Quill later
26:11expanded his remarks
26:12to say that he believed
26:13examples like Murphy Brown
26:15glamorized single motherhood.
26:18Glamorized single motherhood?
26:20What planet is he on?
26:21...the European community.
26:22Look at me, Frank.
26:25Am I glamorous?
26:32First night,
26:33you look disgusting.
26:34You're damn right.
26:35People in prison
26:36get to shower
26:36more often than I do.
26:38And what was that crack
26:39about just another
26:40lifestyle choice?
26:41Murph, take it easy,
26:42the baby.
26:42I organized over that decision.
26:44I didn't know
26:45if I could raise a kid
26:46by myself.
26:46I know, I know.
26:47I worried about
26:48what it would do to him.
26:49I worried about
26:49what it would do to me.
26:50I didn't just wake up
26:51one morning and say,
26:52oh, gee, I can't get in
26:53for a facial.
26:54I might as well
26:54have a baby.
26:57I don't blame you
26:58for being angry,
26:59but consider the source.
27:00I mean, this is the same
27:01guy who gave a speech
27:02at the United Negro
27:03College Fund
27:04and said,
27:05what a waste it is
27:06to lose one's mind.
27:11Then he spent
27:12the rest of his terms
27:13showing the country
27:14exactly what he meant.
27:16Well, tomorrow,
27:16he's probably going to
27:17get his head stuck
27:18in his golf bag
27:19and you'll be old news.
27:20Murph, it's Dan Quill.
27:23Forget about it.
27:29You know you make me
27:30want to
27:31kick my heels up
27:32and I'll do my hands
27:34up and I'll
27:35throw my ass back
27:36and I'll come on now.
27:38Don't forget to say
27:40you will.
27:42Don't forget to say
27:44yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:46Say it right now,
27:50I need that
27:51you will.
27:52Come on, come on,
27:54say that you will.
27:56Say it right now,
27:58yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:00Come on, come on.
28:02Say that you love me.
28:04Say that you need me.
28:06Say that you love me.
28:08Say you want to please me.
28:10Come on now.
28:12Say, come on now.
28:14Say, come on now.
28:16Say, I still remember
28:18When you used to be nine years old
28:22I want to grow for you to grow from the bottom of my soul
28:30Now that you grow, grow, now that you know
28:38You want to live, you want to let me go
28:46I want you to know
28:50I said I want you to know right now
28:55You've been judging me, baby
28:59Better than I've been to myself
29:03And if you ever leave me
29:08I don't want nobody else
29:11Now everybody give me a Murphy Brown question
29:15I've got one answer right here for you
29:17Is it true that the network is considering taking Murphy off the air?
29:31Absolutely not
29:33As far as the network is concerned
29:35She's just another reporter on maternity leave
29:38If she's just another reporter
29:40Why isn't she making a statement about what's now been labeled Murphy Gate?
29:45You're keeping her under wraps, Miles, admit it
29:47Do I have to remind you
29:52That the woman gave birth
29:54A week and a half ago
29:55To a nine pound, seven ounce baby boy?
29:59This town hasn't heard screams like that
30:01Since LBJ showed his gallbladder scar to the daughters of the American Revolution
30:05My point is
30:11You don't keep a woman like Murphy Brown quiet if she doesn't want to be
30:14Now if you don't mind
30:15I have a newsroom to run
30:17Buddy
30:17Give me Paris on the phone
30:19Why?
30:20Just do it, Marty
30:20Jim!
30:24Jim!
30:25Jim!
30:26Come on, you jackals!
30:29I said, I'm in a minute, I'm in a minute
30:31And stop blocking the corridors
30:34Or I'll call the fire marshal
30:35And have you all arrested
30:36You, Mr. Priest, Miles
30:38How long is this media circus going to last?
30:41What do I look like, Jim?
30:42A magic eight ball?
30:43I don't know
30:44Murphy hasn't returned my calls in three days
30:47And the last time we talked
30:48She said she had enough to do with the baby
30:50And I should handle it
30:51Oh, I'm handling it all right
30:52I've had so much my lanta
30:54I'm coughing up chalk
30:55Miles, you gotta do something about this
31:07Every time I turn around
31:08Some reporter sticking a microphone in my face
31:11Actually, if I know how Murphy feels about this old quail face
31:15Look, I know it's tough, Phil
31:16It's hard on all of us right now
31:18But we're a news show
31:19We can't get into a screaming match with the Vice President of the United States
31:23Until Murphy's ready to say something, there's nothing we can do
31:26Well, I hope she doesn't take much longer
31:28I hate to watch every word I say
31:30Just because some clown is maybe standing next to me
31:34Taking notes
31:35And you can whisper around
31:36And to another sleazy headlight or something
31:40Oh, man
31:42How could you take in the people you work with
31:46Just so you can pick up a little piece of dirt
31:49To sell the highest dinner
31:50What the hell is this?
32:05Miles is going to Italy on his vacation, Mexico
32:07And you're going to love it, too
32:11It's great for you to prove
32:14By the way, today's special is Costa Primagora
32:19Why don't you stop by after lunch and have a plate on me
32:25Come on, come on, I'm dying out here
32:30Plenty of room
32:38This is my audition tape for Nick
32:44Will you stop showing that in my face, Frank?
32:50I'm not in the mood
32:51Not in the mood, Courtney
32:53This is great, guys
32:54You've got to take a look at this
32:55What does it look?
32:56The latest public opinion poll on Murphy
32:58Amazing
32:59Not only do more people think
33:01Murphy would make a better parent than Dan Quayle
33:04They think she'd make a better president, too
33:06I can't wait to show it to her
33:09This should make up for the TV guide poll
33:11Where she came in behind Spud McKenzie
33:13On a list of celebrities you'd like to have to have for dinner
33:16You know, I don't understand how you can joke about this
33:21I know a lot of people support what Murphy's doing
33:25But a lot of people don't
33:27Especially back where I come from
33:29What does that mean?
33:31You think Murphy's critics are right?
33:33I don't know
33:33I love Murphy
33:36And I know she'll make a wonderful mother
33:38Once she gets a little practice
33:40And maybe some estrogen supplements
33:43But I was raised to believe that if you had a child out of wedlock, you were bad
33:49Of course, I was also raised to believe a woman's place was in the home
33:54Segregation was good
33:56And presidents never lie
33:59Oh, this is so confusing
34:01We live in confusing times, Courtney
34:06The White House criticizes Murphy for having a child
34:09While they're parading the Terminator around as a role model for young people
34:13The whole country is talking about family values and decency
34:17And the most popular movie of the year has a woman dressed like a cat licking a man dressed like a bat
34:23And I don't even want to guess how the man in the penguin suit fits in
34:32The important thing is that we all be here for Murphy
34:43If this is tough on us, you can imagine what she's going on
34:46Oh, don't you worry about Murphy
34:48I'll make you a bet that right now she's at home plotting her revenge
34:53I can just see her, the wheels turning
34:55Every fiber of her being focused on one thing
35:00And one thing only
35:02Alvin, look
35:06His belly button fell off
35:09It's the last piece of his umbilical cord
35:15Maybe you'd like to announce that to this reporter who's presently rummaging through your garbage
35:19Hey, hey you
35:20You stopped mixing my glass in aluminum
35:23What I wouldn't give for a skunk on a rope right now
35:28Oh, this is so great
35:32He's an outie just like me
35:34Alvin, do you realize what this means?
35:38Fewer lint problems?
35:40This is the very first landmark in his young life
35:43I have to write this in the baby book
35:45Let's see
35:46First smile, first smile
35:53First tooth, first...
35:55Unbelievable, they don't have a place for it
35:58Well, we'll just have to write it in, won't we, little billy?
36:03Bobby?
36:04Buster?
36:05Buster!
36:06Buster Brown!
36:07Oh, by all means, let's name him after some kid who lives in a shoe with a dog
36:11Are you aware that your eyeballs are moving independently of each other?
36:16When was the last time you slept?
36:18Oh, I don't know
36:20I think I got about twenty minutes three days ago
36:23But it doesn't matter, Alvin, because I no longer need sleep
36:27No, lack of sleep has helped me evolve into a higher being who no longer requires it
36:33Okay, that's it, I'm turning the landing lights on
36:36Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep
36:37We're bringing the mothership in for a landing
36:39I want you to come see something out here
36:42Alvin, get away from there
36:44I told you before, if you just ignore the reporters, they'll go away
36:47You've been saying that all week
36:48And they're still swarming around my van like a bunch of crazed eight-year-olds
36:52Like it's an ice cream truck or something
36:53Every time I go out there, I feel like a giant nutty buddy
36:56Do you think if I made a statement, it would end this?
37:01It doesn't matter what I say
37:03Everybody's just going to twist it to fit their own agenda
37:06Pro-life wants me to speak
37:08Pro-choice wants me to speak
37:10And pro-breastfeeding wants me to do it on three-dimensional billboards
37:14Crying out loud, Eldon
37:17He's a baby, not a political statement
37:19Why can't I just get the time to know him without 15 million people watching?
37:25Why can't they just leave us alone?
37:27Well, I don't know, judging from the dozen or so camped out on your stoop
37:31I think it's going to take more than a simple request
37:33You know, yesterday I turned the hose on them
37:36I think they liked it
37:38Well, they will just stay in here, it's not so bad
37:43As long as we don't watch TV or read the newspapers or listen to the radio
37:48I'll just flip through this Life magazine from 1956 and everything will be fine
37:56Oh, look, Grace Kelly's getting married
38:01Okay, so to recap
38:04We're going to spend the rest of our lives locked up here in Casa de Paranoia
38:11And if the boy should ever want to venture outside
38:15I'll just tell him, well, that his mother thinks the world is a mean and terrible place
38:21I'm just trying to protect him, Eldon
38:25Isn't that what a mother's supposed to do?
38:26Well, look, I don't know what a mother's supposed to do
38:29But I just know that this kid's mother used to be someone who tried to make the world a better place
38:34Not shut it out
38:35And maybe, just maybe one day I'll tell him what she was like
38:41Before she turned into that crazy old lady sitting in the corner
38:45Playing with a shriveled up piece of belly button
38:47You know, for a guy who says he prefers pictures to words
38:52Your Uncle Eldon can sure ramble on
38:55It's very annoying
38:57Especially when he's right
38:59I was hoping you'd be a little older before you got into your first fight over something your mother did
39:07But I guess that's not going to happen
39:08So what are you going to do?
39:10Well, for starters, this
39:15Hey, Sullivan!
39:22You want a quote?
39:25Get your head out of my garbage can and come over here
39:27I'm going to give you an exclusive
39:29Closer
39:31Yeah, that's better
39:33Come on
39:33Eldon, hand me that diaper pill
39:37Listen up, this is your mother
39:42You're watching
39:46Murphy, are you sure you're up to this?
39:51Because if you need to back out, we can always fill the spot
39:54There's Corky's piece on California wineries we never aired
39:58We'll just cut the part where she put the wastebasket on her head and crowned herself the queen of the grape
40:02Don't forget, this is the one place where I've always known what I was doing
40:08Alright, two minutes to air, people
40:10Can I get you anything, Murphy?
40:12Oh, just keep an eye on me in case I doze off, John
40:15There's no need to worry, I have a squirt gun filled with ice water
40:18It's the same one we used tonight in interview Gerald Ford
40:21Here you go, Murphy
40:24I got you some tea
40:25How you feeling?
40:26I feel good, Frank
40:27And she looks good, too, doesn't she?
40:30Uh-huh
40:30And Murphy, I've read that sometimes just thinking about your baby can stimulate milk production and a nursing mother
40:38So keep your mind off that certain someone
40:41Because people forget about unwed mothers
40:44But staining a blouse on national television is something they'll talk about forever
40:49It's a cookie
40:52The woman is a profession
40:53I'm not in any danger, everybody
40:57I just wanted to tell you, not all Republicans feel the same as the Vice President
41:05Some of us respect you
41:07Support you
41:09And love you
41:11Desperately
41:12I'm just sorry they turned down my request to speak on your behalf at the Republican Convention
41:20So you know
41:22All right, let's get it
41:24We're going to live in 5, 4, 3, 2
41:30Good evening and welcome to FYI
41:34For your information tonight, we focus on a subject that has become the center of a national debate
41:40To begin, we turn to reporter Murphy Brown
41:44Thank you, Jim
41:47The American family and American values
41:51This reporter has a unique perspective on the topic
41:55Because in a recent speech, Vice President Quayle used me as an example of the poverty of values in this country
42:02And implied that I was a poor role model for our nation's youth
42:07While some might argue that attacking my status as a single mother was nothing more than a cynical bid of election year posturing
42:16I prefer to give the Vice President the benefit of the doubt
42:20These are difficult times for our country
42:23And in searching for the causes of our social ills
42:26We could choose to blame the media
42:29Or the Congress
42:30Or an administration that's been in power for 12 years
42:34Or we could blame me
42:37And while I will admit that my inability to balance a checkbook
42:50May have had something to do with the collapse of the savings and loan industry
42:54I doubt that my status as a single mother has contributed all that much to the breakdown of Western civilization
43:02But tonight's program should not be simply about blame
43:07The Vice President says he felt it was important to open a dialogue about family values
43:13And on that point, we agree
43:15Unfortunately, it seems that for him, the only acceptable definition of a family
43:21Is a mother, a father, and children
43:25And in a country where millions of children grow up in non-traditional families
43:30That definition seems painfully unfair
43:33Perhaps it's time for the Vice President to expand his definition
43:38And recognize that whether by choice or circumstance
43:43Families come in all shapes and sizes
43:46And ultimately, what really defines a family
43:50Is commitment, caring, and love
43:53With that in mind
43:56I'd like to introduce you to some people
43:59Who might not fit into the Vice President's vision of a family
44:02But they consider themselves families nonetheless
44:05They work, they struggle, they hope for the kind of life for their children
44:11That we all want for our children
44:13And these are the people we should be paying attention to
44:16Welcome to FYI
44:18Would you introduce yourself, please?
44:21Yes, I'm Mary Berry
44:22And this is my daughter, Cameron
44:24Hello
44:25And you, ma'am
44:27I'm Nadine, and this is my son, Manuel
44:30Hello
44:30And you, sir?
44:31I am Jim, and this is my son, Shiana
44:33And you?
44:34And I'm Julie, and this is Jack Warren
44:36Thank you
44:37Oh, God
44:53I've given birth to a car alarm
44:56Okay
44:59Okay
45:01Not to worry
45:03We've got turkey now
45:06All right, here we go
45:10Sway, sway, paint
45:12Sway, sway, paint
45:14Oh, come on
45:17You loved this yesterday
45:19You can't change the rules on me now
45:21You know, this has been a long day for me, too
45:24You've got to give me a little credit
45:26Mommy must be total professional today
45:29That's right
45:30Mommy took the high road
45:32And Mommy hates taking the high road
45:35That's what we do when we're on the air
45:38If we're off the air, that's a different story
45:41Okay, so you're bored with the swing, huh?
45:46All right
45:46We can handle that
45:47How about we add a little music
45:51You know, those cheers me up
45:53Smoke town
45:54Keep a good fight
45:56Some of these stuff
45:57And smoke
45:57Oh
46:00Well
46:02This is a chance to warn you
46:04About a very dark period in the history of music
46:08Oh, no
46:10You're too young
46:11Let's just move on before
46:14Hey
46:17Be quieting down
46:19Oh, well, this is
46:22Oh, no
46:24You can't be serious
46:26Not very man alone
46:29How about the Temptations
46:32Or the Supremes
46:33The Four Tops
46:34Is this a payback for that time
46:41Where you ate those nuns
46:42Out of the carpool rain on the beltway
46:44All right, all right
46:48If it's that important to you
46:49But I'm warning you
46:51This is a one-shot deal
46:53It's just because you're family
46:54Are you ready?
47:03So
47:03least no
47:04We won't stop
47:05I
47:07We
47:08Doesn't
47:08We
47:09Don't
47:10We
47:23What happened?
47:53Good morning, and it's clear the air at 6.20 on your AM dial.
48:09Now for the news.
48:11Well, our vice president woke up to a surprise this morning.
48:14Seems someone deposited over a thousand pounds of potatoes in his driveway.
48:19It says here no one's claimed responsibility.
48:22Yeah, well, I got a big idea.
48:24And, you know, I believe I speak for everyone when I say,
48:28Enough with the potato jokes already.
48:31And, Mr. Vice President, just be glad you didn't miss Bill Fertilizer.
48:41I love the Jim Dial voice.
48:43Could you say this is Nick at night?
48:44This is Nick at night.
48:46Stay tuned for Murphy Brown.
48:48Stay tuned for Murphy Brown.
48:49Moe is in right now.
48:51Leave a message at the tower.
48:52My good friend Moe isn't here right now.
48:55Oh, you scam.
48:57Oh, oh, oh.