WHY QUITTING PORN ISNOT ENOUGH TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
BY
KASHIF MAG
BY
KASHIF MAG
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00Okay, so you're leaving explicit matter behind.
00:03You're getting your screen excess behaviors in check.
00:08You're getting them under control.
00:10You are no longer going to consume provocative images on social media.
00:16You're decreasing your gaming.
00:18You're trying to balance your screen time.
00:20But your relationship is still on the fritz because of your screen time behaviors,
00:26namely explicit matter and provocative images or exchanges.
00:32So now what?
00:34How do you rewire a relationship that's on the fritz?
00:38Well, I'm glad you're here and you're back for another episode with me, Dr. Trish Lee,
00:43of the podcast because that's exactly what we are going to dive into today.
00:47The number one mistake you make when you're trying to heal your relationship
00:52and what you can do instead.
00:54Before we get to the mistake and the solution, let's break down why does this relationship
01:01rupture occur?
01:03Why is there such damage to relationships when explicit matter is in the mix?
01:09Well, I'm here to tell you the use of explicit matter is in fact a relational problem because
01:16the number one thing that the hijacker will convince you is the situation for you is that
01:21it's none of anybody else's business.
01:24What you do behind closed doors and if you want to consume explicit matter, that's your
01:29business.
01:30Your partner shouldn't have any say in that.
01:32Nobody else should have any say in what you do with your time behind closed doors.
01:37It's private.
01:38I'm here to tell you it's not private.
01:40It's relational.
01:41And if you've heard me say this before, I think there's three really strong categories
01:45in the relational department and then everything else can kind of fall into the independent
01:51but still should be shared department.
01:53Number one, finances.
01:55If you're in a relationship and you've committed to each other, it doesn't mean you need to
01:59share everything about your finances.
02:01There needs to be an agreement of how the financial relationship will fall out.
02:06Because trust me, my husband doesn't know everything about my financial situation, but he knows
02:12that is because that is the best thing for our relationship.
02:16That man knows how to spend.
02:18So the idea is we've had a conversation about this.
02:21This is what our financial relationship will look like and we both agree on it.
02:24So now there's no arguing.
02:26There's no fighting about it.
02:27We're on the same page.
02:29Parenting.
02:29That was a tricky one for us for a long time.
02:31We have five children.
02:33So a lot of parenting has happened over the last 22 years.
02:38So we had to agree upon it because at first we were on different pages, but a lot of that
02:43different page aspect came out of our dysfunctional parenting that we learned from our parents.
02:51Mom and dad, I love you, but I learned to avoid conflict at all costs and the hubs learned
02:57to yell at everybody.
02:58So you have me who's running off because he's yelling.
03:02That's not the best thing for our kids.
03:04So it took a lot of conversations privately when stuff was going down.
03:08I'd pull them over into my closet and I'd be like, babe, we got to get on the same page.
03:12There's no yelling, but we will approach this.
03:15And we have gotten to a really healthy place that there's no yelling, there's approach.
03:19And it's not perfect, but we're a work in progress.
03:21So we have finances.
03:23We have parenting.
03:24Third, sex.
03:25Your sex life.
03:26There should be an expectation of what is acceptable within the relationship.
03:30There's really no right or wrong in this department because everybody's relationship is different.
03:36You know, there's ideals that I want people to strive for, for healthy sexuality.
03:40And a lot of it's based on what I know to be true from neuroscience.
03:44Most people want to be in a committed relationship with one other person.
03:48That is what works for most people.
03:50And in that committed relationship, it's imperative that your partner knows what is happening within your sexual relationship, which does include your private sex behaviors.
04:02Your partner should know about it.
04:03They don't have to know every time.
04:04You don't have to announce that you're going into the bathroom to masturbate.
04:08But what you could do is let your partner know that masturbation is part of your sex life.
04:14And I know right now you're thinking you're nuts, lady, because I'm never doing that.
04:18I would encourage you to at least be open and honest about what's happening in your relationship and share it with your partner.
04:25Why not?
04:26At the end of the day, I want to be on my deathbed thinking I left it all on the floor and I tried in my relationships.
04:33I exposed myself to vulnerabilities by sharing that with the hubs.
04:37Every time I share something, every time he shares it with me, we get closer and we figure out the kinks in our relationship, whether it be financial, whether it be parenting or whether it be intimacy.
04:47The only way you figure it out is by sharing with each other.
04:50And conversely, if you're not comfortable with something your partner is doing, there's been times where I'm like, babe, I've got the sense this is going on.
04:58Can we talk about it?
05:00And of course, he's like, do we really have to?
05:03And of course, I'm like, yeah, we do.
05:05And I'm not great at it either.
05:06But conversation, getting on the same page about it.
05:09So if you have secret behaviors that you're withholding from your partner, there's choices.
05:15We're going to get to them in a second.
05:17Number two, I want to talk about, we're talking about right now, why does this rupture happen?
05:21First of all, it's because you're not on the same page and there's secret behaviors.
05:25So you've got to get all the secret behaviors.
05:27Either you stop doing them, that's choice one, or you share them with your partner.
05:32You let your partner know those things exist.
05:34If you're having affairs with other people, you tell your partner you're being with other people.
05:39Now your partner gets to choose if they want to be with you, even though you're being with other people.
05:44Because if you're withholding this and you're keeping it a secret, it's because you likely know if your partner found out, they would leave.
05:52And you need to give your partner that option because nobody wants to be in a relationship with a person they don't know.
05:57That is why the biggest rupture happens is because they think they have one version of you.
06:02And then on one day, discovery day, they discover they're actually with a person they didn't know all of these things about.
06:12That's the vulnerability and the sharing.
06:14Once you share those things, then your partner gets to make the decision if they're going to be with you.
06:19And then you can have conversation around it.
06:21Things that are acceptable in the garden between the two of you.
06:25If you're consuming pornography, your partner should know that because if your partner has expressed they don't feel comfortable with you consuming pornography and you're still doing it, now there is shame.
06:37There's secret shame that leads to a toxic triangle in your relationship.
06:41And we're going to go over it in just a second, even though I promised we wouldn't get to the choices.
06:46Well, there's other choices we're going to get to.
06:48So you share with your partner what their reality is.
06:51And now that's discovery day.
06:53But you get to move into the future with a real relationship, not a fake great one.
06:58It's fake great if you don't actually know each other.
07:01It's great great for real when you do know each other and you choose each other every single day again, even knowing what is in the person's past or accepting them for what they have going currently in the present.
07:15That's even better.
07:16But there's choices, but the rupture that happens primarily is from the secrets, the shame that you feel, and then how it changes the interaction between you and your partner.
07:27So what happens in the toxic triangle?
07:29In the toxic triangle, it's called Cartman's triangle.
07:32It's one of my favorite things to share with people when we're talking about their relationships.
07:36It basically is a triangle of three different roles that any given person, either you or your partner, or then your partner, then you again, can take during a discussion that's going south.
07:50That's why I want you to know this, because if you do tell your partner, I watch porn and I'm working on it, I'm trying to stop watching because I realize it's an addiction and I no longer want to be shackled to it.
08:02Then if your partner throws shade at you, it likely is because they feel like they are a victim to your circumstance.
08:12And then you'll try to use defense mechanisms telling your partner, this isn't about you.
08:17This is about me.
08:18It has nothing to do with you.
08:20That's why I want you to know it does create a triangle.
08:23It's relational.
08:24It has everything to do with your relationship.
08:26It's just a defense mechanism when you try to convince yourself that it has nothing to do with your partner, especially if you know you're keeping it from your partner because your partner wouldn't like it.
08:35Relational.
08:36And it creates these dynamics in the toxic triangle.
08:39The first dynamic is the victim mode.
08:42And many times partners feel like the victim when they find out they're in a relationship with a lot of things going on they weren't aware of.
08:50Or they knew they had a hunch was going on, but they don't like and they've asked you and you've denied it maybe once, maybe a million times.
08:59And then that enters in the lying, the manipulation, which is a whole nother level of a partner to have to deal with.
09:07And we can cross that bridge in a second.
09:09But the first dynamic that exists in the toxic triangle is victim mode.
09:14Your partner will likely feel that way at the outset of figuring out on discovery day they're in a relationship with a version of you they didn't know.
09:23Then that makes you the perpetrator.
09:26That's the next role.
09:27You're the person who hurt them.
09:29They're the victim because of you.
09:31You're the perpetrator.
09:33But I want you to know these aren't real.
09:35That's why we're breaking them down.
09:37I don't think you're the perpetrator.
09:39I'm sure you know I don't think that.
09:40So we'll cover that.
09:41But when they feel like the victim and they blame you, that makes you the perpetrator.
09:45That's going to give you even more shame.
09:48Then the last role is the rescuer.
09:51Your partner feels victimized by you and unironically, they want to be rescued by you also.
09:57And then it'll flip.
09:59So then if your partner goes, you're a total a-hole, now you're the victim and your partner is now the perpetrator.
10:06They just perpetrated you by throwing shade and calling you a name.
10:10And if you own that, now you're the victim.
10:13And then if you go, oh, I don't want you to think that about me.
10:17That's terrible.
10:18You're waiting for your partner to rescue you.
10:21This triangle, this toxic triangle can literally go on for weeks, years, decades.
10:27And I have been a victim perpetrator and rescuer within the triangle for such a long time because that is what I learned.
10:35But you know what I learned to do?
10:37Is not to own any of the roles.
10:39That's how you repair a ruptured relationship.
10:42So first I want you to know this toxic triangle is part of it.
10:46Victim, perpetrator, rescuer.
10:49So how do you break the toxic triangle?
10:52Well, it takes two to tango, my friend.
10:54And what that means is you can begin to stop this triangle from happening, but it really does take your partner to get on board with you.
11:06That's why I offer a partner's program, Sanity After Betrayal, so that I can help partners see that porn use is an addiction.
11:13And most men do not want to keep going back once their relationship is at risk.
11:17Men are devastated when they can't stop and their partner's going to leave them.
11:21But it takes two to tango.
11:23It takes one person for a dysfunctional relationship.
11:27It takes two people for a very highly functional relationship.
11:31You can get the ball rolling, but you do need your partner to be on board with you.
11:36So remember that it takes two to tango for a healthy relationship.
11:40But how do you make it happen?
11:42You make it happen through not buying into the triangle.
11:45I'll tell you how.
11:46And by creating an interdependent relationship, by being two strong partners that are walking side by side next to each other in a healed fashion so that you can rock out your best life.
12:00I talk about it in my new book, Mind Over Explicit Matter.
12:03There's a whole chapter in here, a whole section on how to rewire your relationship so that you can repair it.
12:10Now, the easiest way in the short run is to create healthy boundaries.
12:15So don't buy into any of the roles.
12:17If your partner feels victimized by you, you can say, I'm sorry that we're in this situation.
12:23You're not owning porn addiction as the cause for it.
12:26You're owning the dynamics that have gone awry.
12:29So I'm sorry we're in this position.
12:31I'm going to work hard to be able to get us out of this position.
12:35The number one mistake people make is they don't break the triangle.
12:39The triangle goes on forever.
12:41And you stay victim, perpetrator, rescuer, rescuer, perpetrator, victim, back and forth, back and forth.
12:48So if the ball is thrown at you and you're called the perpetrator, you don't have to catch the ball.
12:53You can break that triangle by changing the thing that you say or you do.
12:57Don't do the defense mechanism.
13:00Don't justify it.
13:01Don't rationalize it.
13:02Don't deny it.
13:03Don't tell your partner that they're off their rocker.
13:06Own it.
13:07Own your own behaviors and then change them.
13:09And this way you can repair your relationship in a new way.
13:13And you can have a new relationship than ever before.
13:16The Hubs and I have been working on this probably for a decade now.
13:19And he joked the other day that my dysfunction was perfect for his dysfunction when we met.
13:26And that now that I'm trying to create such high levels of function, he's with me on it,
13:31trying to create the high levels of function in his own nervous system in life so that we
13:36can ride out the rest of our days in a highly functional relationship.
13:40Really cool.
13:41Again, we're not perfect, but we're trying.
13:44So the choices you have, the choices you have is to communicate with your partner in
13:49a healthy way, not to assume anything, not to buy into that triangle junk, just to communicate
13:56what's on your heart and mind and then double down, get into a program so you can get the
14:00help that you need.
14:01So if you're looking for help, please go over to drtrishalee.com.
14:05We've updated the website.
14:07You can get into a consult with Jamie, my right-hand woman.
14:09You've probably seen her here on YouTube.
14:11You can get into the digital program so you can get started in an accessible, anonymous
14:16and affordable way.
14:17Let's get you to the other side of this thing so you can repair that beautiful relationship
14:21of yours and ride off into the sunset.
14:24Okay.
14:24Until next time, I hope this helps.
14:26And as always, control your brain or it'll control you.