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00:00:00Did you like your dinner, Mr Hill?
00:00:10Oh yes, thank you very much. I particularly like the peas.
00:00:13Nice to see such a lovely clean plate.
00:00:18Thanks, Vivian.
00:00:19Hello there. You know, many days and weeks ago, I was invited to perform at one of London's many hamburger outlets,
00:00:26in front of a specially invited audience.
00:00:28Everyone was there, and what a fantastic night it was.
00:00:32Beef burgers, egg.
00:00:33Bacon?
00:00:34Bacon.
00:00:35Peas.
00:00:35Peas, bacon peas, everything all cooked up in a lovely pot. It was fantastic.
00:00:39And the laughter, why the laughter seemed to last a million years.
00:00:43Well into the year 2000, silver foil outfits, monorail, food in tablet form.
00:00:47Oh, party for home.
00:00:50And I just thought what a shame it was that not everyone could enjoy my special hamburger outlet night.
00:00:55Imagine my glee when I discovered that a special secret video film had been made.
00:01:00And so you can all enjoy it.
00:01:02Yes, all of you.
00:01:03So why not sit back, pull yourself a lovely pint of chopped juice, and let the laughter begin.
00:01:09Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the capital of England, London.
00:01:22To your left, Birmingham.
00:01:24On your right, the Isle of Fanet.
00:01:26Look north to Scotland, home of whiskey.
00:01:29And in the south, Portsmouth, home of the sailor.
00:01:32But now, ladies and gentlemen, look to the front as we welcome the self-styled super-vermint, Mr. Harry Hill.
00:01:38Oh, Wi-Fi, oh.
00:02:05Oh, Wi-Fi, oh.
00:02:08Brain cockles and muscles.
00:02:11Oh, Wi-Fi, oh.
00:02:14Mmm.
00:02:17Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:02:18Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
00:02:20Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
00:02:22Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
00:02:26Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:02:27And down.
00:02:29Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
00:02:33Park life.
00:02:35Now, uh, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
00:02:39Now, uh, mm, mm.
00:02:41Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:02:45Hmm, pointing.
00:02:46I'm pointing.
00:02:47Mm.
00:02:47Mm, mm.
00:02:49Could be counting, but I'm not.
00:02:50No, mm, mm.
00:02:51Mm, mm.
00:02:52Now, mm, mm, petrol tank.
00:02:54That's no place to bring up a small charge.
00:02:56Mm.
00:02:57Mm.
00:02:59Mm.
00:03:00Now, uh, mm.
00:03:02Mm, mm.
00:03:03Back me up on this.
00:03:04All the questions, all the questions
00:03:09Working as a team, all the questions
00:03:11Working as a team, all the questions
00:03:13Now, is it, um, mm, mm, GOAL
00:03:16Now, uh, is it me?
00:03:22Mm, mm, mm, I'll back my up on this
00:03:25Is it, uh, is it me?
00:03:28Or do you find you get the amount of alcohol
00:03:30you're allowed to drink when you're driving
00:03:32Mixed up with the amount you're allowed to take through customs
00:03:35Mm, mm, mm, not again
00:03:43Now, uh, Parkhurst
00:03:48Now, um, I've got the, uh, mm
00:03:53I did, mm, I did
00:03:55I bought a, uh, I bought a, mm, back my hand on this
00:03:58I bought a, mm, mm, mm, I bought a, mm, one of those of you
00:04:01I did, mm, mm, I did buy a computer
00:04:06Right, bought a computer, highly effective, one of the computers
00:04:08But I don't think I'm getting the best out of my computer
00:04:12Right, because basically what I do
00:04:14I turn the computer on, right
00:04:16And I turn the brightness up
00:04:19And I use it as a light
00:04:22And I don't think I'm getting the best out of it
00:04:33That, mm, mm
00:04:34Gala, leo, gala, leo
00:04:35That, mm, mm, it's some sort of metal, isn't it?
00:04:39Probably some sort of metal, isn't it?
00:04:41You won't know for sure
00:04:41Or do we get the test back, of course
00:04:43I mean, come on
00:04:43Mm, mm, mm, another clear night
00:04:48Now
00:04:49So
00:04:52Mm, mm, mm, I did see
00:04:55Mm, a rather, um, rather unusual sight
00:04:57The other day
00:04:58Now, you know the, um, electrified fly-catching grill
00:05:01Right, you're familiar with that, aren't you?
00:05:03Hey, the bug zapper
00:05:04You know what it is?
00:05:05It's a, it's an electrified fly-catching grill, I'd call it
00:05:08What happens is
00:05:08The fly
00:05:09Flies towards the light
00:05:11Doesn't it?
00:05:12We've all seen them do it
00:05:13We've all seen them
00:05:14Hey, mm
00:05:14It flies
00:05:15Mm
00:05:16It flies
00:05:17Star-a-boosh, star-a-moosh
00:05:18It
00:05:19Oh, it flies
00:05:22It flies
00:05:22Towards the light
00:05:24But it hits the electrified fly-catching grill
00:05:27And dies
00:05:28Right
00:05:28Now I saw a fly the other day
00:05:30Flying towards that light
00:05:32Right
00:05:32And we've all seen them do it
00:05:33We've all seen them
00:05:34Hey
00:05:35It flying towards the light
00:05:38And about a centimetre
00:05:40From the grill
00:05:41It had a heart attack
00:05:43But the momentum just
00:05:48Just kept it going
00:05:53It hit the grill
00:05:56And the electric shock just restarted its little heart
00:05:59What are the charges of that happening?
00:06:08Now, hmm
00:06:14Isn't it annoying?
00:06:15As soon as you get on the phone
00:06:16The bar starts running
00:06:17Isn't it annoying?
00:06:18Hmm
00:06:19Hmm
00:06:21Hmm
00:06:23Hmm
00:06:23Hmm
00:06:24And rather
00:06:24Hmm
00:06:25Rather a nice idea
00:06:26Right
00:06:26If you're making a long distance phone call
00:06:28Just take the time
00:06:29Before you make the phone call
00:06:30Just do a sweet
00:06:31On the handset there
00:06:32If it's a long phone call
00:06:35Just, yeah, I know
00:06:36It's ridiculous
00:06:36It's ridiculous, isn't it?
00:06:39Yeah, I don't know about it
00:06:40Hmm
00:06:40Hmm
00:06:41Hmm
00:06:41So, hmm
00:06:44My mother
00:06:45She was a
00:06:46Hmm
00:06:47What's your favourite chop, sir?
00:06:49Pork
00:06:49Is it?
00:06:50No, you're down as a lamb
00:06:51Just shows you
00:06:51I think you can tell by looking at someone
00:06:56But you can't always, can you?
00:06:57Hmm
00:06:57You can't always
00:06:57Hmm
00:06:58Well, very nice
00:06:59They're the main two chops
00:06:59They're the main two
00:07:01Pork and lamb
00:07:02Beef gets sausage
00:07:04Doesn't get a chop
00:07:05I don't make the rules up
00:07:06Right?
00:07:08I don't make them up, do I?
00:07:11Hmm
00:07:11My mother
00:07:12She was
00:07:13Hmm
00:07:13Hmm
00:07:13She was
00:07:14Hey, Mr. Tallyman
00:07:16Follow the Granada
00:07:17Hmm
00:07:21She was
00:07:22My mum
00:07:23A lollipop lady
00:07:24Right, a lollipop lady
00:07:26And by that
00:07:26I mean she had a very thin body
00:07:28Big round, sticky head
00:07:29Hmm
00:07:34My father
00:07:36Hmm
00:07:37He
00:07:38Look at that lining
00:07:39Look at that
00:07:39Hmm
00:07:39Hey, what is it?
00:07:41Hmm
00:07:41How you fit?
00:07:43The
00:07:43That green ball you get
00:07:47You know the green ball
00:07:48You get with the
00:07:49Washing powder liquid
00:07:50Right?
00:07:51It's the green ball
00:07:52Right?
00:07:52It's a washing powder
00:07:53But it's a liquid, isn't it?
00:07:54Hmm
00:07:54It's a washing powder liquid
00:07:55Two of them working
00:07:56It's a team highly effective
00:07:57It's not a powder
00:07:59Or a liquid
00:08:00It's two of them
00:08:00Washing powder and liquid
00:08:01I think the two of them
00:08:02Working together like
00:08:03Torval and Dean
00:08:03Right?
00:08:04Aren't they?
00:08:04Hmm
00:08:05The powder and the liquid
00:08:05Like Torval and Dean
00:08:06Highly effective
00:08:07Aren't they?
00:08:08Torval and Dean
00:08:08Hmm
00:08:08Hmm
00:08:09Hmm
00:08:09Back me up on this
00:08:10Right?
00:08:12Torval and Dean
00:08:13They're very good on the eyes
00:08:14Aren't they?
00:08:14Hey
00:08:14You get them outside in the street
00:08:16All over the place
00:08:17No, no
00:08:17Goal!
00:08:23Now
00:08:24So
00:08:26That green ball you get
00:08:29With the washing powder liquid
00:08:31Now
00:08:31How are you supposed to get your clothes in that?
00:08:34I find
00:08:40I can get a pair of pants
00:08:43And a hanky
00:08:44I'm having to buy 15 of these balls
00:08:47To make up the loan
00:08:48Terence Trent Derby
00:08:53The River Trent isn't even in Derby
00:08:55Is it?
00:08:55Hmm
00:08:56Hey
00:08:56Should be Terence Trent Stokes
00:09:00Isn't it?
00:09:00Hmm
00:09:01You're right
00:09:03Jim
00:09:03He never returns
00:09:04Any of your letters
00:09:05Does he?
00:09:08Hmm
00:09:09Hmm
00:09:10Hmm
00:09:10Hmm
00:09:10Hmm
00:09:11Hmm
00:09:12Hmm
00:09:12Hmm
00:09:13Now of course
00:09:13He's a unicorn
00:09:14Isn't it?
00:09:14That's a unicorn
00:09:15That's Pinocchio
00:09:16Isn't it?
00:09:17Hmm
00:09:18Two very different things
00:09:19Working as a team
00:09:19Highly effective
00:09:20Now
00:09:20Those eyebrow tablets
00:09:24Is it four a day
00:09:24Or forty a day?
00:09:25Hmm
00:09:26Hmm
00:09:27Hmm
00:09:28Hmm
00:09:29They're not real ones
00:09:32Hmm
00:09:33They're a little tiny joke
00:09:35A little tiny joke
00:09:37I wrote
00:09:37Hmm
00:09:38Hmm
00:09:39Get those buses out, Butler
00:09:43Get back up there
00:09:48And ladies and gentlemen
00:09:51My own particular tribute
00:09:53E-17
00:09:57Stay now
00:10:03Stay now
00:10:03Stay
00:10:04Stay
00:10:05Stay there
00:10:05The tiny little moustaches
00:10:09There
00:10:09And in the pocket
00:10:11Away
00:10:12Ah
00:10:13And that motion there
00:10:14That just demonstrates
00:10:15The width of the pocket
00:10:16That's rather nice
00:10:23A little bit of
00:10:24Mmm
00:10:25A little bit of
00:10:26Chop juice there
00:10:27A little bit of lamb cordial
00:10:32A little bit of lamb cordial
00:10:34Rather nice
00:10:35Are you kidding
00:10:37Well you're a pork man
00:10:38Aren't you
00:10:38You're a pork man
00:10:38Fried or grilled
00:10:41Fried
00:10:42Grilled
00:10:43See how you down
00:10:43As fried as well
00:10:44See
00:10:44That's me a tenner down
00:10:47My father
00:10:50Always used to say
00:10:52Always fire fire
00:10:53With fire
00:10:54And that's why
00:10:55He was thrown out
00:10:56The fire brigade
00:10:57That and his snooker
00:11:04Wasn't up to it
00:11:04See
00:11:05Wasn't up to it
00:11:06My dad
00:11:08Mmm
00:11:09Mmm
00:11:09He used to like
00:11:10That's why they call me
00:11:11Mr. Fahrenheit
00:11:11He used to
00:11:13He used to like
00:11:16My mum
00:11:17My dad
00:11:17Used to like her
00:11:18To get dressed up
00:11:19As a nurse
00:11:20Mmm
00:11:21And then he used to like her
00:11:23To go out and work
00:11:24As a nurse
00:11:25A little bit of extra money
00:11:33See
00:11:33A little bit of extra money
00:11:34I'm always thinking
00:11:35See
00:11:35Always thinking
00:11:36My dad
00:11:36Now
00:11:39Hmm
00:11:40Hmm
00:11:40When they brought the board game out
00:11:42Of TV's mastermind
00:11:43Right
00:11:44Didn't have
00:11:46Magnuson Magnusson
00:11:46On the front
00:11:47Did it
00:11:47Had a man with a beard
00:11:49And a Chinese lady
00:11:50So
00:11:53There is
00:11:56Hmm
00:11:56There is
00:11:57A tiny monkey
00:11:59Called
00:12:00The chimpanzee
00:12:02Now
00:12:03The chimpanzee
00:12:05Is a highly intelligent monkey
00:12:07It has developed
00:12:08Three different calls
00:12:10And one of the calls
00:12:11Of the chimpanzee
00:12:12Means
00:12:13Snake
00:12:14It's a warning cry
00:12:16Ah
00:12:17Ah
00:12:17Ah
00:12:18Ah
00:12:18Ah
00:12:18Ah
00:12:19Ah
00:12:19Ah
00:12:20Snake
00:12:21That's not it
00:12:27Right
00:12:27That's not it
00:12:28I don't speak much chimpanzees
00:12:31I speak a little bit of chimpanzee
00:12:32But not much
00:12:32Ah
00:12:32Ah
00:12:33Ah
00:12:33Snake
00:12:34There's a snake
00:12:36There's a snake
00:12:39In the jungle
00:12:40One of the chimpanzees
00:12:41Highly intelligent
00:12:42Locks the snake
00:12:44It sees the snake
00:12:44It gives the warning cry
00:12:46And all the chimpanzees
00:12:48Jump up into the trees
00:12:49To avoid the snake
00:12:50Right
00:12:50Always thinking
00:12:51Highly intelligent
00:12:52Now
00:12:52If you tape record
00:12:55One of the chimpanzees
00:12:56Doing the snake cry
00:12:58And you play it back to them
00:13:00When there isn't a snake there
00:13:02They think there's a snake there
00:13:08They all jump up in the trees
00:13:10To avoid the snake
00:13:11Right
00:13:12Now if you video them doing that
00:13:14And you play the video mate
00:13:15They go
00:13:18They go
00:13:18Mogul
00:13:20Corking
00:13:29Now
00:13:34The Ray Dox
00:13:36The Ray Dox bar
00:13:37Now I find that Ray Dox bar
00:13:39Is slightly more expensive
00:13:41Than the other brands
00:13:42Of bubble bar
00:13:43And I find
00:13:44If I buy that Ray Dox bar
00:13:46I've got that bar
00:13:47And I'm lying back in that bar
00:13:48I'm thinking about that extra money
00:13:51And I find
00:13:54I can't relax
00:13:56Now
00:14:05Terence tends London
00:14:08Why do the squirrels bury the acorns
00:14:15It's just what the oak tree wants
00:14:18They're just playing right into his hands
00:14:22Aren't they
00:14:23One person clapping by themselves
00:14:27Always a bit embarrassing
00:14:28Particularly after sex I find
00:14:32Goal
00:14:37Now
00:14:37So
00:14:40Why do the squirrels
00:14:42Take the Brazil nut casings
00:14:43Polish them up
00:14:44Maybe the shoes out of them
00:14:45It seems obvious to you
00:14:50Alright isn't it
00:14:51Well we don't know
00:14:53But if a squirrel steps out of line
00:14:55Right
00:14:55They end up
00:14:56Each foot
00:14:57Embedded in a toffee
00:14:58In the canal
00:14:58And of course
00:15:06The swan
00:15:08The swan
00:15:10Can break a man's arm
00:15:11With a single twist
00:15:12Of his neck
00:15:13But of course
00:15:14A female swan
00:15:15Can break a male swan's heart
00:15:17With just
00:15:18A glance
00:15:19A new restaurant
00:15:26That Babagascoyne's opened up
00:15:27Now eh
00:15:28Ten pound for a starter
00:15:29Who's going to pay that
00:15:30That Babagascoyne's opened up
00:15:31So
00:15:35Back when I woke up
00:15:38This morning
00:15:39Right now
00:15:39I thought I was having
00:15:40One of those alien abduction scenarios
00:15:43I thought I was being abducted
00:15:46By aliens
00:15:46I felt constricted
00:15:48I felt paralysed
00:15:50I could hardly breathe
00:15:51But far from being
00:15:52An alien abduction scenario
00:15:54What it was
00:15:54I worked it out
00:15:55My mum
00:15:56I just
00:15:57Tuck me up
00:15:58A little bit too tight
00:15:59She's going to tuck you up tightly
00:16:06Because if she does
00:16:07An emergency stop
00:16:08You're straight up
00:16:08On the floor
00:16:09Of the caravan
00:16:09Aren't you
00:16:10Well sir
00:16:18What do you do for a living sir
00:16:20I ask him
00:16:21Think man
00:16:23Think
00:16:23Come on
00:16:24Come on
00:16:24She's got to be quicker than that
00:16:26There's a hell of a war on
00:16:28You know
00:16:28You just change jobs
00:16:32Be fair
00:16:33Just change jobs
00:16:34What do you do
00:16:37What do you do now sir
00:16:37Working for yourself
00:16:41And what were you doing before that
00:16:42Working for another company
00:16:45You know
00:16:45It's supposed to meet new people
00:16:49Isn't it
00:16:49Ooh
00:16:53Pat pat
00:16:54Ricky ricky
00:16:54What
00:16:55Alright
00:16:58Alright
00:16:59One at a time
00:16:59Sorry
00:17:02Estimating
00:17:05And ordering
00:17:05Very important job
00:17:06Isn't it
00:17:07Estimating
00:17:08That job
00:17:09Back me up on this
00:17:10Involves a lot of pointing
00:17:11Isn't it
00:17:12What it does
00:17:15Isn't it
00:17:16Estimating and ordering
00:17:17Go on
00:17:18Go and estimate all that stuff
00:17:19Go on
00:17:20Now that's an order
00:17:21See
00:17:24Always thinking
00:17:25See
00:17:26Thinking on my feet
00:17:27Thinking on my feet
00:17:28We've never met before
00:17:29Have you sir
00:17:30No we haven't
00:17:31Now there is a risk
00:17:35And back me up on this
00:17:36If the job involves
00:17:37A lot of pointing
00:17:38That main pointing finger
00:17:39Might get tired
00:17:41You find that sir
00:17:43End of the week
00:17:44Hey
00:17:44Little Alan there
00:17:45Gets a little bit tired
00:17:46Come back before you
00:17:51Leave my life
00:17:53Now
00:17:57Here's the important part
00:17:59To prevent that from happening
00:18:00Right
00:18:01What you do
00:18:01To prevent that getting tired
00:18:03Just
00:18:03Just
00:18:04Bring the thumb up
00:18:05And apparently
00:18:16The cause of ginger hair
00:18:17Is if the mother
00:18:20During pregnancy
00:18:21Eats too many cheesy
00:18:23What's-its
00:18:23So
00:18:31My father
00:18:34Very mean man
00:18:35My mum
00:18:35Hypnotised
00:18:36Not to order a starter
00:18:37I never saw my granddad
00:18:44I never saw him
00:18:45Because
00:18:45He was excellent
00:18:46At hiding
00:18:47Now
00:18:53I find
00:18:55If you hollow out
00:18:55A pumpkin
00:18:56You can get
00:18:58About 15 shirts
00:18:59In that
00:18:59Where was Magnus Magnussen
00:19:07When that photograph
00:19:07Was taken
00:19:08Hey
00:19:09Where was he
00:19:12Huh
00:19:13He did the TV series
00:19:15Didn't he
00:19:15Didn't he bother
00:19:16Didn't he bother
00:19:16Didn't he bother
00:19:17Didn't he not
00:19:17For the bag
00:19:17Didn't put on
00:19:18I got the urine test
00:19:24Results back
00:19:24The doctor said to me
00:19:27He said
00:19:28The urine tests
00:19:29Are not normal
00:19:29I said to him
00:19:32I said
00:19:32I suppose
00:19:32Going around
00:19:33Testing people's urine
00:19:34That is normal
00:19:34Is it
00:19:35That's normal
00:19:40Is it
00:19:40Who's got the problem
00:19:41Are you or me
00:19:42Hmm
00:19:42Hey
00:19:43Can I put my pants
00:19:44Up now
00:19:45Hmm
00:19:45Hmm
00:19:47Hmm
00:19:4813 million pounds
00:19:52For Winston Churchill's
00:19:53Papers
00:19:53Right
00:19:54Hey
00:19:54We all know
00:19:55The first thing
00:19:56You do
00:19:56When someone dies
00:19:57Cancel the papers
00:19:59Hmm
00:20:02It'll be his milk bill
00:20:07Next
00:20:08Wouldn't it
00:20:08Hmm
00:20:09Winston Churchill's
00:20:13Milk bill
00:20:14Hmm
00:20:14Dibble
00:20:15Dibble
00:20:16Dibble
00:20:16Dibble
00:20:16Pass
00:20:17I'm not an expert
00:20:21Am I
00:20:22Hmm
00:20:22Little tip
00:20:25For young mums
00:20:27Rather a nice one
00:20:28Am I
00:20:28Whatever you do
00:20:29Don't be tempted
00:20:31To take the baby
00:20:31Into the bed
00:20:32No
00:20:34Don't take the baby
00:20:35Into the bed
00:20:36No
00:20:36Beware
00:20:38Dangerous nerve gas
00:20:39Sorry
00:20:39Do not take
00:20:40The baby
00:20:41Into
00:20:43The bed
00:20:44The chances are
00:20:46You'll fall asleep
00:20:46There's a chance
00:20:48You might roll on top
00:20:49Of that child
00:20:49Put your back out
00:20:51She does tuck us up
00:21:00I'll be frank with you
00:21:01She does tuck me up
00:21:02Still
00:21:03She reads me a story
00:21:05The powerful sedative
00:21:06Bedtime story
00:21:07Isn't it
00:21:07Jack and the beanstalk
00:21:10Always gets me
00:21:10She's reading the story
00:21:12There and I'm going
00:21:12Don't sell the cow
00:21:13She
00:21:15She tucks us up
00:21:19That's why they call me
00:21:20Mr. Fahrenheit
00:21:21You ask me
00:21:28What's in it for her
00:21:29I'll tell you
00:21:33That just helps to build up
00:21:34That muscle there
00:21:35She tucks us up
00:21:42And one night
00:21:43One night
00:21:44One night
00:21:45She tucks my brother up
00:21:50So tightly
00:21:51So tightly
00:21:53She took a run up
00:21:57To it
00:21:58So tightly
00:22:07When he woke up
00:22:08He was a fossil
00:22:10What are the chances
00:22:17Of that
00:22:20Happening
00:22:21Got a
00:22:24Bar now
00:22:25For Christmas
00:22:26Imagine that
00:22:27Imagine being a bird
00:22:29Imagine being a bird
00:22:30In that sky
00:22:30Flying around
00:22:32And all the freedom
00:22:33Of flying around
00:22:34Above the sea
00:22:34Then
00:22:35Going to eat your dinner
00:22:36Out of a bin
00:22:37I did go and see
00:22:44Topol
00:22:45Now he's rather good
00:22:46Isn't he
00:22:46Topol
00:22:46Now he's in
00:22:47Fiddler on the roof
00:22:48Topol
00:22:49That's his main thing
00:22:49Fiddler on the roof
00:22:50Now
00:22:51There is a bit in
00:22:52Fiddler on the roof
00:22:52Isn't he
00:22:53He's supposed to come on
00:22:53And go
00:22:54If I were a rich man
00:22:55Divvy divvy divvy dumb
00:22:56Right
00:22:57That's the very
00:22:58High effect
00:22:59Of the
00:22:59Divvy divvy dumb song
00:23:01Now
00:23:02The night I saw it
00:23:04Right
00:23:04He comes on
00:23:05And he goes
00:23:05If I were a rich man
00:23:07Iffy fiffy
00:23:08Fiffy fluff
00:23:09To be honest with you
00:23:15I preferred it
00:23:16When he was a monkey
00:23:17In Pipkins
00:23:17Now ladies and gentlemen
00:23:24Eight years ago
00:23:25Eight years ago
00:23:28Four French nuns
00:23:29Went to New York
00:23:30To set up a shelter
00:23:31For the homeless
00:23:32They were penniless
00:23:33And spoke virtually
00:23:34No English
00:23:35Whatsoever
00:23:36And that's why
00:23:38I imagine
00:23:38They didn't manage it
00:23:40That's nuns for you though
00:23:47Isn't it
00:23:47Lazy people
00:23:49Aren't they
00:23:49Lazy people
00:23:49You take Mother Teresa
00:23:52Right
00:23:53Mother Teresa
00:23:53How tall do you think
00:23:54Mother Teresa is sir
00:23:55Hmm
00:23:55Well have a guess
00:23:57Come on
00:23:57Big man think
00:23:58What's wrong with you
00:23:59Come on Mother Teresa
00:23:59We've got to be cooking that
00:24:01Four foot
00:24:01That's probably about right
00:24:05Isn't it
00:24:06She looks about four foot
00:24:08Doesn't she
00:24:08Well I tell you
00:24:09She's actually over six foot tall
00:24:10She's kneeling down
00:24:15On the skateboard
00:24:16She relies on her flunkies
00:24:23To pull her along
00:24:23At the Bombay please
00:24:26Not a very good impression
00:24:29To pull her along
00:24:30She says
00:24:30He's hanging on the stairs
00:24:31I'm having to go with you
00:24:32I think this is
00:24:34I don't know
00:24:35I don't know
00:24:35They're the main two chops
00:24:36Why can that
00:24:37Maybe establish that
00:24:38I don't know
00:24:38Where are you from
00:24:40Some of us
00:24:40South
00:24:41South Inn? That's quite an accurate answer, South Inn, but of course, originally we're all from eggs, aren't we?
00:24:55So the most accurate answer, really, would be an egg.
00:25:00Sorry to put you up on that, but...
00:25:02Now, my dear old Nan, she was a wonderful woman, she had a tattoo done across the front of her chest, it was a younger woman, a tattoo, true love, Paul and I.
00:25:15But as she got older, of course, the ink ran, the wrinkles set in, it ended up saying, two lighters for a pound.
00:25:28Well, there's a proper margin there, eh?
00:25:30And that, yeah, is a karate chop, isn't it?
00:25:35That one, yeah, very different to two other tiny chops, isn't it?
00:25:40Stalag mites and stalag tites, right?
00:25:43That's how I remember it, right?
00:25:46Good other system, haven't you? Stalag mites, stalag tites.
00:25:49That, yeah, is a karate chop, and that could be used to knock a goose over, could it?
00:25:58They're about that high, don't they?
00:26:00About one, Mother Teresa.
00:26:04Back to Bombay, please.
00:26:09Yuck!
00:26:09If the geese ever invade again, we'll be ready for them, won't we?
00:26:15Terence Lake Windermere.
00:26:17Now, there is a trend to get rid of your elderly relatives, out of their houses, into nursing homes, so you can sell their house for money.
00:26:30All right, what we do with Nana...
00:26:31That's not a very nice reaction, isn't it, is it?
00:26:36What we do with Nana, we bought her one of these little red buttons that you can wear round your neck, round your wrist.
00:26:42So, if she was to fall down, unable to get up, there I am, stroking her lovely long beard.
00:26:50If she was to fall down, all she'd have to do was press this little red button, which would automatically alert a local estate agent...
00:27:01...to come and value the house.
00:27:08...and apparently, hmm, there's enough poison in a crab to kill a crab.
00:27:23So, they're the main two shops we've established that.
00:27:27Pork and lamb, they're the main two, right?
00:27:29There's no ham in a hamburger, is there?
00:27:32Right?
00:27:32It's all beef, right?
00:27:33And what's happening there is, pork's getting the credit, beef's doing all the leg work.
00:27:41As I say, I don't make the rules up, right?
00:27:43I don't make the rules up, right?
00:27:44Things do change.
00:27:45Turkey, if you remember, used to be just breast and leg, didn't it?
00:27:47Turkey in the old days.
00:27:49But now, of course, turkey gets a sausage.
00:27:52So, things do change, but...
00:27:57I've written a little song for Chris Eubank.
00:28:00Two, four, six, eight, middleweight.
00:28:01So, like them along, but they're the main two shops.
00:28:06Pork and lamb, they're the main two shops, right?
00:28:08Now, my dad was a very mean man, as I said,
00:28:10but one thing he taught me, right, about a chop, pork or lamb,
00:28:13it doesn't matter, they're the main two shops.
00:28:15The best, if we had to divide the room up,
00:28:16be straight down the middle, pork that side, lamb that side,
00:28:19you'd be fine, so you wouldn't have to move.
00:28:21Watch your cash-away number.
00:28:29They're the main two shops.
00:28:30So, my dad taught me, and he was a very mean man,
00:28:32and the best bit of a chop, apparently,
00:28:34apparently, is that thin bit down the outside, right?
00:28:38That's the best bit of a chop, the thin bit.
00:28:40And that round bit in the middle,
00:28:42that's poisonous.
00:28:48And he always used to eat that for us.
00:28:50My mum and my dad never really got on.
00:28:59And I think mainly because my mum, she was a Time Lord,
00:29:03my dad, he was a Dalek.
00:29:10See, I used to like the Beatles, they were good, weren't they?
00:29:12Hey, remember them?
00:29:12Four of them, working as a team, highly effective.
00:29:14All the four Beatles, working as a team.
00:29:15A bit like the A-team in many ways, weren't they?
00:29:19Yeah, the Beatles.
00:29:20Only, they didn't need a van.
00:29:24They didn't need a van.
00:29:26I wonder if we were all to shout,
00:29:28A-team, now.
00:29:29I wonder if we could get the A-team
00:29:31to come and join us here,
00:29:33tonight.
00:29:35Half to three, then.
00:29:38A-team.
00:29:38One, two, three.
00:29:39A-team.
00:29:40A-team.
00:29:46Bit of a long shot, wasn't it?
00:29:57Hmm.
00:29:59So.
00:30:01Spent most of today
00:30:02in the garden with my step ladder.
00:30:06Not my real ladder,
00:30:07my step ladder.
00:30:09Never got on with my real ladder, really.
00:30:17Although I did use to find it
00:30:19very easy as a child
00:30:20to rub my parents
00:30:21up the wrong way
00:30:22because they were made
00:30:23entirely from corduroy.
00:30:29Is it me?
00:30:30Or is jumping up and down the bed
00:30:31not as much fun as it used to be.
00:30:32Hmm?
00:30:36You get two vests
00:30:37and a turnip.
00:30:39It's me.
00:30:41So Nana,
00:30:43she went into a coma.
00:30:46She went into a coma.
00:30:46Thank you for that sympathy.
00:30:47And she...
00:30:48She went into a coma
00:30:50and she was a victim
00:30:52of the health cutbacks.
00:30:54I remember one day
00:30:55in the hospital,
00:30:56one of the nurses
00:30:57came up to me
00:30:58and said
00:30:59that they were going to have
00:30:59to turn off
00:31:00Nana's ventilator
00:31:01because they needed
00:31:03the plug
00:31:04for something else.
00:31:10We couldn't have toast
00:31:11in the morning
00:31:11and Nana.
00:31:16Don't make me choose.
00:31:18If you, uh...
00:31:23If you...
00:31:26If you like someone,
00:31:27right?
00:31:27Rather a nice idea for you.
00:31:29If you like them
00:31:30sufficiently enough
00:31:31to impress them.
00:31:32When you buy them a drink,
00:31:34right?
00:31:34Rather a nice idea.
00:31:36Pop a pound coin.
00:31:39Pop a pound coin
00:31:40into the drink.
00:31:42The enhanced drink,
00:31:44I call it.
00:31:44They drink the drink down.
00:31:48Oh!
00:31:50What's that
00:31:50in the bottom of that drink?
00:31:52Well, it's a lovely
00:31:53pound coin gift
00:31:54that they can keep.
00:32:01So all she left behind,
00:32:04my man,
00:32:04all she left behind
00:32:05was a car.
00:32:06Her last world possession
00:32:08was a car.
00:32:09So we did put a little
00:32:10in memoriam,
00:32:10a little poem
00:32:11in loot.
00:32:14She went to sleep
00:32:18and left us.
00:32:19Lord,
00:32:19how we do miss her Nana.
00:32:21Our lives are empty.
00:32:22So was a car.
00:32:23Ford Escort,
00:32:23P-Rage could run up.
00:32:28Elves!
00:32:29Hmm?
00:32:30Hey,
00:32:30honest,
00:32:30you have you.
00:32:31Hey,
00:32:31hmm,
00:32:31hmm,
00:32:32hmm.
00:32:32Hey,
00:32:33hmm,
00:32:33hmm.
00:32:35Pass.
00:32:37Elves!
00:32:38Elves!
00:32:40Elves!
00:32:41Elves!
00:32:44Elves!
00:32:46Elves!
00:32:47Elves!
00:32:49Elves!
00:32:51Very talented.
00:32:54Very entertaining.
00:32:56Elves.
00:32:57My particular favourite
00:32:58was Heartbreak Hotel.
00:32:59I keep bees
00:33:08not for the honey,
00:33:10for the fur.
00:33:15Because we know
00:33:16the pelt of the bee,
00:33:17right?
00:33:17The tiny bee pelt,
00:33:18right?
00:33:20It's an excellent
00:33:21pea cozy,
00:33:21doesn't it?
00:33:22Yeah?
00:33:25You've got a plate
00:33:26full of dinner there,
00:33:27right?
00:33:27You've got a nice
00:33:28bit of tongue,
00:33:28you've got some
00:33:29potato,
00:33:29you've got some
00:33:30peas,
00:33:31right?
00:33:31You get called
00:33:32away urgently
00:33:32to the phone,
00:33:33right?
00:33:35Oh, no,
00:33:36it's a bit
00:33:36good,
00:33:36isn't it?
00:33:38It's for your
00:33:39dinner.
00:33:41You get called
00:33:42away urgently
00:33:42to the phone,
00:33:43by the time
00:33:43you come back,
00:33:44those peas
00:33:44have gone cold,
00:33:45haven't they?
00:33:46Only takes a minute,
00:33:47quickly,
00:33:48pop the pea
00:33:48coases on.
00:33:54It's an important
00:33:55call,
00:33:55they don't mind
00:33:55waiting.
00:33:56And of course,
00:33:59the flesh of the
00:34:00bee is packed
00:34:00full of vitamins,
00:34:01isn't it?
00:34:02Particularly,
00:34:03vitamin B.
00:34:06Now,
00:34:08my first girlfriend,
00:34:11dear old Jean,
00:34:13she died,
00:34:14tragically,
00:34:15yes.
00:34:16Thank you for that
00:34:16sympathy.
00:34:17She,
00:34:17he, he, he,
00:34:19is one of the
00:34:19glee sounds.
00:34:20You know,
00:34:20me.
00:34:22And the main
00:34:22sympathy sound
00:34:23is
00:34:23mud,
00:34:26mud.
00:34:28I bought my
00:34:29nan a rabbit
00:34:29skin coat,
00:34:31she, before she
00:34:31died,
00:34:32and I got her
00:34:32the other night
00:34:33I just caught
00:34:33her in the
00:34:33headlights of the
00:34:34car.
00:34:39She died,
00:34:40Jean,
00:34:40tragically.
00:34:41She chucked
00:34:42on a pound
00:34:42coin.
00:34:43and
00:34:48there are ways of breaking bad news
00:34:53relax, we'll know by Wednesday
00:34:55there are
00:34:56the doctor said to me that he detected in the urine
00:35:00very high levels of the life-saving antiseptic cream
00:35:03saddle
00:35:04there are ways of breaking bad news
00:35:14I went along to the hospital
00:35:16I said to the doctor
00:35:18how is she?
00:35:19how is my gene?
00:35:21he goes, give me a D
00:35:23well
00:35:29some of you may know
00:35:33that I've got a little tiny adopted son
00:35:35he's only three years tall
00:35:37about the size of Mother Teresa
00:35:42back to Bombay please
00:35:45he's only three foot tall
00:35:48he's five years old ladies and gentlemen
00:35:50the little tiny imp boy
00:35:51Alan Hill
00:35:52I've had to bring him on tonight
00:35:53I'd like you to welcome him now
00:35:54the little tiny imp boy
00:35:55Monsieur Alan Hill
00:35:56come on son, why don't you come?
00:35:57here he comes
00:35:58yes
00:36:00go on son, nearly went, nearly went, nearly went
00:36:04go on, go on, go on
00:36:05too many cheesy watsets we think
00:36:10right there we sure
00:36:13until we get the test track of course
00:36:14it's either that
00:36:15or the mother drinking from the hot tap
00:36:17it's a copper tank isn't it
00:36:21it's a copper tank
00:36:21what do you look like
00:36:24with a fringe look
00:36:25side parting
00:36:30hair up in the morning
00:36:34when he gets out of bed
00:36:35give him a little spit on that
00:36:38just to put that down
00:36:39later in the day
00:36:42just
00:36:42or in high wind
00:36:46now
00:36:48some of you may recognise
00:36:50the tiny imp boy
00:36:51this is actually
00:36:52the tiny creature
00:36:53that was inside the cheetah costume
00:36:55hmm
00:36:56Tarzan's cheetah
00:36:57the highly intelligent chimpanzee
00:37:00should we show him the walk?
00:37:02show him the walk
00:37:03come on
00:37:04then I didn't
00:37:10let him keep the costume
00:37:13he then went on
00:37:15to do the PG tips
00:37:15it's the taste
00:37:18it's the taste
00:37:24now
00:37:25you may have noticed
00:37:29he's not said a single word
00:37:30is he?
00:37:31due to a slip of the rabbi's knife
00:37:33little tiny Alan here
00:37:37is only able to communicate
00:37:39by tabula
00:37:41so that's one tap for yes
00:37:43two taps for now
00:37:45and the theme
00:37:47from Doctor at Large
00:37:48is a maybe
00:37:49what's that?
00:38:02yeah
00:38:02little Alan Hill there
00:38:03and off he goes
00:38:04back in the doll's house
00:38:06now
00:38:12back in the doll's house
00:38:15with him
00:38:15now apparently
00:38:17the best bit of a pie
00:38:19is the crust
00:38:20that middle bit
00:38:24the filling
00:38:25is quite poisonous
00:38:26he was
00:38:31a mean
00:38:32man
00:38:33I wanted an action man
00:38:36for my birthday
00:38:37and
00:38:37he didn't buy me
00:38:39an action man
00:38:40my dad
00:38:40no
00:38:40what he did was
00:38:41he bought me a parsnip
00:38:43action parsnip
00:38:48back me up on
00:38:52is the only clothes
00:38:53that will fit
00:38:55action parsnip
00:38:56because the action man clothes
00:38:58won't fit
00:38:59will they?
00:39:00you can't get them
00:39:01over the neck
00:39:02do you?
00:39:03he's got that big fat
00:39:05wrinkly neck
00:39:05isn't he
00:39:06get one boot
00:39:08on the end
00:39:09can't you
00:39:09one action man
00:39:12boot on the end
00:39:13I want a pair
00:39:15of action man
00:39:16boots
00:39:16nice action parsnip
00:39:17about
00:39:1818 months
00:39:19now the only
00:39:21clothes
00:39:22that will fit
00:39:23action parsnip
00:39:24of course
00:39:25are the
00:39:26rappers
00:39:27from Cornettos
00:39:27chop a nut
00:39:34for formal wear
00:39:34vanilla
00:39:37for just sort of
00:39:38I don't know
00:39:39messing around
00:39:39around the house
00:39:40so
00:39:42big fella
00:39:44wasn't he
00:39:45elves
00:39:45great big fella
00:39:46hmm
00:39:46great big fella
00:39:48elves
00:39:48and the reason
00:39:48was
00:39:49under that quiff
00:39:50he used to keep
00:39:51a hamburger
00:39:51he'd get peckish
00:39:54during the song
00:39:55he'd turn round
00:39:56to the Jordanaires
00:39:57out with a quiff
00:39:58out with a hamburger
00:39:59the wonder of you
00:40:03second girlfriend
00:40:08jean 2
00:40:09now she did
00:40:11drive
00:40:11tragically
00:40:12in a car crash
00:40:13what happened was
00:40:14we're driving along
00:40:15playing
00:40:16triple pursuit
00:40:17simple things to do
00:40:20I'm
00:40:20I'm asking her questions
00:40:21she's got the cord
00:40:22on her knees
00:40:23and she's driving
00:40:24now it was like
00:40:28Barcelona
00:40:28was it
00:40:29ball game
00:40:29hmm
00:40:30nothing about
00:40:32the tv show
00:40:33was it
00:40:33little tiny pegs
00:40:35on a board
00:40:35wasn't it
00:40:36little tiny pegs
00:40:39on a board
00:40:39like a bowling alley
00:40:40for a midget
00:40:40those variety
00:40:44packs of cereal
00:40:45you get two
00:40:46packets of cocoa
00:40:46pops
00:40:47where's the variety
00:40:48in there
00:40:49I'm asking her
00:40:54questions
00:40:54my question
00:40:55for her
00:40:55what was
00:40:56Whitney Houston's
00:40:57first number one
00:40:58she looks down
00:40:59for a second
00:41:00the car
00:41:01span out
00:41:02control
00:41:02went straight
00:41:04into a tree
00:41:04I ran round
00:41:05I got a hold of her
00:41:07in my arm
00:41:07she looked up at me
00:41:10with the last
00:41:11dying breath
00:41:11I'll never forget
00:41:13she said
00:41:13I'll always love you
00:41:15I said
00:41:17no I want to dance
00:41:18with somebody
00:41:18I couldn't let her
00:41:23have it
00:41:23it was for a piece
00:41:30of pie
00:41:30right
00:41:31you don't give
00:41:34questions like that
00:41:35away
00:41:35do you
00:41:35hey
00:41:36the ambulance
00:41:38man came
00:41:38he shook her
00:41:39like that
00:41:39he shook her
00:41:39he said to me
00:41:40is she fully
00:41:41complimentus
00:41:42I said
00:41:42I think you'll find
00:41:43third party fire
00:41:43out there
00:41:44what a question
00:41:46these cancer
00:41:49research shops
00:41:49right
00:41:50now back me up
00:41:50on this
00:41:51with the cancer
00:41:51back me up
00:41:52on this
00:41:53do you find
00:41:54whenever you go
00:41:55into the cancer
00:41:56research shop
00:41:57they never
00:41:59actually seem
00:41:59to be doing
00:42:00any cancer
00:42:01research
00:42:01normally
00:42:11it's a couple
00:42:12of old ladies
00:42:12isn't it
00:42:13a couple
00:42:13of old
00:42:13selling second
00:42:18hand clothes
00:42:19no wonder
00:42:21they haven't
00:42:21found a cure
00:42:22hey
00:42:23busy
00:42:29busy
00:42:30week
00:42:30so
00:42:30I was
00:42:32in
00:42:32Africa
00:42:33no expense
00:42:39spare
00:42:40for this
00:42:40video
00:42:40I know
00:42:42what you're
00:42:42thinking
00:42:43that's
00:42:43yes
00:42:44it's the
00:42:45Arizona
00:42:45quarter
00:42:46of Africa
00:42:46little jungle
00:42:51there
00:42:52felt them
00:42:54so
00:42:55I'm in
00:42:59Africa
00:42:59you'd like
00:43:01Africa
00:43:01lots of
00:43:02off the road
00:43:02parking
00:43:03never get a
00:43:05ticket
00:43:06there's a woman
00:43:07in Africa
00:43:08she's got a
00:43:08plate in the
00:43:09top lip
00:43:09she's got a
00:43:11plate in the
00:43:13bottom lip
00:43:13that's what I
00:43:17call a waitress
00:43:17pizzas
00:43:23pizzas
00:43:23pizzas
00:43:24very flat
00:43:27a bit like
00:43:27Holland
00:43:28they don't
00:43:30reclaim land
00:43:31in the same
00:43:31quantity
00:43:32I didn't realise
00:43:34that the main
00:43:35food of the
00:43:35Hawaiians
00:43:36is ham
00:43:36and pineapple
00:43:37I don't
00:43:43even like
00:43:44Cocoa Pops
00:43:45now I've
00:43:48got a
00:43:48build up
00:43:48haven't I
00:43:49really
00:43:49if you get
00:43:50two packets
00:43:51you can't do
00:43:53anything with
00:43:53the little packets
00:43:54either can you
00:43:54at least with the
00:43:55big packets
00:43:55you can make
00:43:56the hats
00:43:56out of them
00:43:56can't you
00:43:57lovely
00:43:59great big
00:44:00Cocoa Pop
00:44:01packet
00:44:01hats
00:44:01I'm in
00:44:03Africa
00:44:04and in Africa
00:44:07you may know
00:44:07there's a big
00:44:08monkey park
00:44:08where all the
00:44:10monkeys live
00:44:11in sin
00:44:12I looked in
00:44:13and I could see
00:44:15with my own
00:44:15bare eyes
00:44:16all the big
00:44:17monkeys
00:44:17the gibbon
00:44:19the chimpanzee
00:44:21the gorilla
00:44:22picking
00:44:23on one little
00:44:25tiny monkey
00:44:25picking on him
00:44:27bullying him
00:44:29tickling him
00:44:32where the
00:44:34sun don't
00:44:35shine
00:44:35leads
00:44:39tickling him
00:44:44up the
00:44:44leads
00:44:45up the
00:44:46leads
00:44:46rather bad
00:44:46but on the
00:44:47halifax
00:44:47using the
00:44:47M62
00:44:48I thought
00:44:52right
00:44:52I got
00:44:53dressed up
00:44:54in a monkey
00:44:54outfit
00:44:55a full
00:44:56monkey
00:44:56I mingled
00:45:00with the
00:45:01monkeys
00:45:02and gained
00:45:03their
00:45:03confidence
00:45:04way on
00:45:14down
00:45:14I went
00:45:17up
00:45:17where all
00:45:18those big
00:45:19monkeys
00:45:19were picking
00:45:20on that
00:45:21one little
00:45:21tiny monkey
00:45:22I pushed
00:45:23the big
00:45:23monkeys
00:45:23aside
00:45:24I went
00:45:25up to
00:45:25that
00:45:25poor
00:45:26little
00:45:26tiny
00:45:26monkey
00:45:27and I
00:45:28punched
00:45:28him
00:45:29in the
00:45:29face
00:45:29and I
00:45:32was lifted
00:45:32shoulder
00:45:33high
00:45:33by all
00:45:33the other
00:45:34monkeys
00:45:34and made
00:45:37the monkey
00:45:37mare
00:45:38the mare
00:45:40of all
00:45:40the monkeys
00:45:41what are the
00:45:43chances of
00:45:43that
00:45:44a mare
00:45:44man alive
00:45:50who could
00:45:52this
00:45:52be
00:45:52look at
00:45:56the telltale
00:45:57signs
00:45:58the top
00:45:58button
00:45:59is under
00:45:59could it
00:46:01be
00:46:02the tiny
00:46:02boy
00:46:03Alan Hill
00:46:04hot in
00:46:06there
00:46:06is it
00:46:07it's
00:46:10the
00:46:10taste
00:46:11monsieur
00:46:14with his
00:46:14rocher
00:46:15you're
00:46:15spoiling
00:46:15arts
00:46:16snake
00:46:21get to
00:46:23them
00:46:23every
00:46:23time
00:46:24give it
00:46:25out of
00:46:25here
00:46:26for
00:46:26all
00:46:26of
00:46:26you're
00:46:27happy
00:46:27welcome
00:46:27I
00:46:28felt right
00:46:33for this
00:46:34morning
00:46:34I did a
00:46:35double push
00:46:36on the
00:46:37television
00:46:37I meant to
00:46:41television
00:46:42home
00:46:42but just
00:46:43turned it
00:46:50back up
00:46:50again
00:46:50the pizza
00:46:53I had
00:46:53rather a
00:46:54nice pizza
00:46:55was a
00:46:55quite
00:46:56for magic
00:46:56pizza
00:46:57quite
00:46:57for magic
00:46:58very nice
00:46:59bit
00:47:00cheesy
00:47:00even
00:47:00third
00:47:05girlfriend
00:47:06jean
00:47:06three
00:47:07I
00:47:09suspected
00:47:09she was
00:47:10having
00:47:10an affair
00:47:10I'll never
00:47:11forget
00:47:11the first
00:47:11time
00:47:12we've
00:47:12met
00:47:12little
00:47:13tip
00:47:13you never
00:47:13take a
00:47:14girl
00:47:14badger
00:47:14baiting
00:47:15on a
00:47:15first
00:47:15date
00:47:16I
00:47:20suspected
00:47:20she was
00:47:21having
00:47:21an affair
00:47:22little
00:47:22things
00:47:22for instance
00:47:23why I
00:47:23kissed
00:47:24her
00:47:24she'd
00:47:24go
00:47:25get
00:47:25off
00:47:25you're
00:47:26not
00:47:26nice
00:47:26as
00:47:26Phil
00:47:26and then
00:47:33one night
00:47:34one night
00:47:35one night
00:47:35I only
00:47:38get in
00:47:38I get in
00:47:39she's only
00:47:39in bed
00:47:40with all
00:47:40seven
00:47:41Doctor Who's
00:47:42she said
00:47:44technically
00:47:45it was
00:47:45one man
00:47:46I let
00:47:51it pass
00:47:52I did
00:47:55see a
00:47:55tragic
00:47:55side
00:47:56on the
00:47:56way
00:47:56here
00:47:57an elderly
00:47:58man
00:47:58he is
00:47:59an elderly
00:48:01man
00:48:02standing
00:48:02with his
00:48:03hand out
00:48:03begging
00:48:04hand out
00:48:05begging
00:48:05and he's
00:48:06he's singing
00:48:07a little
00:48:08song
00:48:09he's singing
00:48:10when I was
00:48:11young
00:48:11I thought
00:48:12that life
00:48:12was so
00:48:13logical
00:48:13I went up
00:48:15to him
00:48:16and I said
00:48:16super tramps
00:48:17oh thanks
00:48:17very much
00:48:18I don't
00:48:25mind
00:48:25the down
00:48:26and out
00:48:26sorry
00:48:26I don't
00:48:26mind
00:48:27them
00:48:27the tramps
00:48:27if you
00:48:27like
00:48:28but they
00:48:28shouldn't
00:48:28put the
00:48:29tramps
00:48:29out
00:48:29for them
00:48:29should
00:48:29they
00:48:29the
00:48:30tramp
00:48:30traps
00:48:30you may
00:48:31have
00:48:31seen
00:48:31them
00:48:31they put
00:48:31them
00:48:31out
00:48:32at
00:48:32night
00:48:32what they
00:48:33are
00:48:33you may
00:48:34have
00:48:34seen
00:48:34them
00:48:34they put
00:48:34them
00:48:34out
00:48:34at
00:48:34night
00:48:35what
00:48:35they
00:48:35are
00:48:35in
00:48:35the
00:48:36street
00:48:36they're
00:48:36a big
00:48:36cardboard
00:48:37box
00:48:38in the
00:48:41street
00:48:42and
00:48:43I don't
00:48:44know
00:48:44what
00:48:44they
00:48:44use
00:48:44as
00:48:44bait
00:48:45but by
00:48:50the
00:48:50morning
00:48:50there'll
00:48:50be
00:48:51one
00:48:51in
00:48:51there
00:48:51you
00:49:00know
00:49:00the sit
00:49:00down
00:49:00part
00:49:01of the
00:49:02shopping
00:49:02trolley
00:49:02you
00:49:04know
00:49:04the sit
00:49:04down
00:49:04part
00:49:05of the
00:49:05shopping
00:49:05trolley
00:49:05you find
00:49:06it's
00:49:06harder
00:49:06and harder
00:49:07to get
00:49:07your
00:49:07fire
00:49:07in
00:49:07the
00:49:07I
00:49:12find
00:49:12a little
00:49:12bit of
00:49:12stab
00:49:13long
00:49:13to
00:49:13each
00:49:13name
00:49:14once
00:49:17you're
00:49:18in
00:49:18there
00:49:18once
00:49:18you
00:49:18actually
00:49:18sit
00:49:19in
00:49:19there
00:49:19it's
00:49:20even
00:49:20harder
00:49:20to
00:49:20get
00:49:20someone
00:49:20to
00:49:21push
00:49:21around
00:49:21isn't
00:49:21it
00:49:21it's
00:49:24alright
00:49:24you get
00:49:25your
00:49:25pound
00:49:25coin
00:49:25back
00:49:25what's
00:49:25wrong
00:49:26with
00:49:26her
00:49:26push
00:49:28back
00:49:29to
00:49:29Bombay
00:49:30share
00:49:33of course
00:49:33the singer
00:49:33share
00:49:33is a
00:49:34highly
00:49:34effective
00:49:34sister
00:49:35share
00:49:35but of course
00:49:36she has
00:49:36got that
00:49:36rather large
00:49:37rear end
00:49:37doesn't
00:49:37she
00:49:38share
00:49:38right
00:49:39the reason
00:49:39is
00:49:40that's
00:49:40where
00:49:40she
00:49:40stores
00:49:41that's
00:49:41some
00:49:41berries
00:49:41nuts and berries
00:49:45that she's
00:49:45gathered in the thicket
00:49:46share
00:49:49is highly
00:49:49intelligent
00:49:50she knows
00:49:52that show business
00:49:53is very fickle
00:49:54she's very popular
00:49:57at the moment
00:49:57isn't she
00:49:58a few years
00:49:59time
00:50:00she might not
00:50:00be supportive
00:50:01that's when
00:50:02those nuts and
00:50:03berries
00:50:03are coming
00:50:03handy
00:50:04oh
00:50:08body
00:50:09for home
00:50:10you see
00:50:10you are the
00:50:14wings beneath
00:50:14my wind
00:50:15see they're not
00:50:21going to find
00:50:22the cure
00:50:22in the pocket
00:50:23of an old
00:50:24pair of trousers
00:50:25are they
00:50:25all I'm
00:50:30saying is
00:50:31get some
00:50:31younger people
00:50:32in with
00:50:32some new
00:50:33ideas
00:50:33because old
00:50:38ladies can't
00:50:38sell things
00:50:39do they
00:50:39old ladies
00:50:40can't
00:50:40see old
00:50:40men
00:50:41they can
00:50:41leave me
00:50:42stand up
00:50:43leave me
00:50:44stand up
00:50:46leave me
00:50:46stand up
00:50:47the old
00:50:48ladies
00:50:48can't
00:50:49see
00:50:49look
00:50:49have you
00:51:01seen the
00:51:02exercise
00:51:02snakes
00:51:03they're good
00:51:03exercise
00:51:04snakes
00:51:04they build up
00:51:05the muscles
00:51:06here and
00:51:07here
00:51:07and what
00:51:08they are
00:51:09they're a
00:51:09snake
00:51:09you heard the
00:51:10box
00:51:11there's a
00:51:11snake in
00:51:12the eye
00:51:12and it
00:51:12jumps out
00:51:13just
00:51:20talk to
00:51:21the leather
00:51:21muscles
00:51:21here
00:51:22and here
00:51:23but you
00:51:27know
00:51:28there is a
00:51:31condition
00:51:31whereby the
00:51:32poor person
00:51:32the poor
00:51:33patient
00:51:33cannot produce
00:51:34any tears
00:51:35imagine being
00:51:37told that
00:51:37I'm very
00:51:38sorry to
00:51:39have to
00:51:39tell you
00:51:39sir
00:51:40but
00:51:40he cannot
00:51:42produce
00:51:43any tears
00:51:46I thought
00:51:53you'd be
00:51:53upset
00:51:54I'm upset
00:51:58it's what
00:52:01I do
00:52:01I'm a
00:52:03tear
00:52:03donor
00:52:04I donate
00:52:07tears
00:52:07once a
00:52:08month
00:52:08I go
00:52:09to a
00:52:09little
00:52:09darkened
00:52:09room
00:52:10and there's
00:52:11a man
00:52:12there reads
00:52:12me a
00:52:12very sad
00:52:13story
00:52:14don't sell
00:52:18the cow
00:52:18and I
00:52:23cry
00:52:23into a
00:52:24cup
00:52:24those tears
00:52:27are taken
00:52:27away from
00:52:27me
00:52:28I'll never
00:52:29see them
00:52:29again
00:52:29but through
00:52:33my work
00:52:33as a
00:52:34tear
00:52:34donor
00:52:34I'm able
00:52:36to give
00:52:36these
00:52:37four
00:52:37people
00:52:37a
00:52:38little bit
00:52:39of sadness
00:52:40in their
00:52:41lives
00:52:41two hours
00:52:46I was waiting
00:52:47for that
00:52:47television
00:52:47to walk
00:52:48see Magnus
00:52:55turned up
00:52:56for the
00:52:56photo shoot
00:52:57he did
00:52:59turn up
00:52:59right
00:53:00that man
00:53:01appeared
00:53:02he's a
00:53:03photographer
00:53:03he said
00:53:05to Magnus
00:53:06he said
00:53:06I'll go
00:53:07and sit
00:53:07where you're
00:53:08supposed to
00:53:08sit
00:53:08you come
00:53:09round
00:53:09look at
00:53:09the viewfinder
00:53:09see what
00:53:10it looks
00:53:10like
00:53:10Magnus
00:53:12being a
00:53:12very clumsy
00:53:12man
00:53:13that just
00:53:15happened to
00:53:15be the one
00:53:16they liked
00:53:16that woman
00:53:19with him
00:53:19she was his
00:53:20Filipino wife
00:53:21she wasn't
00:53:21Chinese at
00:53:21all
00:53:22the best
00:53:24bit of a
00:53:24lolly
00:53:24apparently
00:53:25is the
00:53:25stick
00:53:26the top
00:53:30bit
00:53:30is quite
00:53:31poisonous
00:53:32apparently
00:53:32there's
00:53:35enough
00:53:36poison
00:53:36the top
00:53:36bit of a
00:53:37lolly
00:53:37to kill
00:53:37a scampi
00:53:38it sounds
00:53:41ridiculous
00:53:41but it was
00:53:42almost as if
00:53:43there were
00:53:43four different
00:53:44types of
00:53:44cheese
00:53:45on it
00:53:45they make
00:53:54the milk
00:53:55go brown
00:53:55don't they
00:53:55that's why
00:53:56I don't like
00:53:56them
00:53:56hey
00:53:57you don't do
00:53:59that with
00:53:59rice krispies
00:54:00do you
00:54:00need no standard
00:54:09peg on the
00:54:14windpipe
00:54:15twist the beak
00:54:16off
00:54:16karate chop
00:54:17so my dad
00:54:19in the end
00:54:20what he did
00:54:21was he
00:54:21he opened up
00:54:23a shop
00:54:23and he called
00:54:25that shop
00:54:25beds
00:54:26beds
00:54:27beds
00:54:27it was a
00:54:28bed shop
00:54:29but he hadn't
00:54:31done his
00:54:32market research
00:54:32he didn't
00:54:34know
00:54:34but there was
00:54:35already a shop
00:54:36virtually opposite
00:54:37called
00:54:38beds
00:54:38beds
00:54:39beds
00:54:39so my dad
00:54:41comes out
00:54:42of a shop
00:54:42hmm
00:54:43what am I
00:54:47going to do
00:54:48now
00:54:48he gets a
00:54:50bed sign
00:54:50and he puts
00:54:51it up
00:54:51on the end
00:54:52of his
00:54:52bed shop
00:54:53his shop
00:54:53now is
00:54:54beds
00:54:54beds
00:54:54beds
00:54:55beds
00:54:55of course
00:54:57the other
00:54:58bloke
00:54:58comes out
00:54:58of his
00:54:58shop
00:54:59he gets
00:55:04two more
00:55:04bed signs
00:55:05right
00:55:05he puts
00:55:05them up
00:55:06on the end
00:55:06of his
00:55:06so his
00:55:07shop
00:55:07now is
00:55:07beds
00:55:07beds
00:55:08beds
00:55:08beds
00:55:08beds
00:55:09the other
00:55:31bloke
00:55:34comes out
00:55:35of his
00:55:35shop
00:55:35He gets a whole load of bitch signs
00:55:39He puts them up on the end of his
00:55:40Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
00:55:41bitch, bitch...
00:56:08Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
00:56:38Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch...
00:57:07Bitch, bitch, bitch...
00:57:08Ridiculous situation to get into.
00:57:25I'll just sit in there.
00:57:29Tom Baker was the worst.
00:57:30He was all over.
00:57:33That's all for me.
00:57:34Thanks very much.
00:57:35Good night.
00:59:46Get it right, Toppo.