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00:00:00Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Palace Theatre, here in the heart of Theatreland.
00:00:07No photos to be taken during the show, unless of course a rare species such as an osprey should gain access to the theatre.
00:00:15In which case it would be a tragic waste of an opportunity to photograph these beautiful birds in flight.
00:00:22But now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your show band for this evening, The Caterers!
00:00:32Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Morrissey!
00:00:53A punctured bicycle on a hillside desert land.
00:01:00We'll make you make a man of leader.
00:01:05And he's a charming car, he's a charming man.
00:01:11William, William the boy, really nothing.
00:01:17Your friend in a coma, I know, I know, he's really serious.
00:01:22A panic on the streets of London.
00:01:25A panic on the streets of Birmingham.
00:01:28Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ, everybody!
00:01:31Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ!
00:01:34Oh, shut up of your face!
00:01:36The Caterers there!
00:01:44Oh, there you go!
00:01:46Well, of course, I'm not really Mo...
00:01:49Well, he wasn't really Mozza, was he?
00:01:51I'm not really Morrissey, I'm not Mozza!
00:01:53Hey, I'm not Mozza!
00:01:55I was robbed that night!
00:01:56I was robbed that night!
00:01:57Hey!
00:01:58A pony!
00:01:59A pony!
00:02:00A pony stroke!
00:02:01Here we are!
00:02:02A pony stroke!
00:02:03A pony stroke!
00:02:04A pony stroke!
00:02:05A pony stroke!
00:02:06A pony stroke!
00:02:07A goat!
00:02:08A goat stroke!
00:02:09A goat!
00:02:10A goat stroke!
00:02:11A good!
00:02:12A bunny!
00:02:13A bunny!
00:02:14A bunny stroke!
00:02:15A bunny stroke!
00:02:16A pony stroke!
00:02:17A goat stroke!
00:02:18A bunny stroke!
00:02:19A pat, a pat, a pat, a pat, now, nice to see you, oh yeah, I'm telling you man, it happened that way, Bacardi Breezer, well, it's, it's nice to see one or two bald men in the audience, welcome sir, the bald man, welcome, the, was it the same for you sir, you just noticed it was taking longer and longer to wash your face, am I right?
00:02:42Am I right? Back me up on this, flannels not lasting as long as they should, am I right? I don't know where the flannels are going, I don't know where the flannels are going, well, oh yeah, I'm ready to rise again, well I found out, oh yeah, I found out this week that my nan has got false teeth, oh yeah, she's got false teeth, so how can I believe a single word that she tells me?
00:03:12Get out of here, you guys slay me, well, I do think air fresheners must be very confusing for blind people, don't you think?
00:03:23Air fresheners, very confusing for blind people, pine forest, I thought this was the loo, now, three bars of soap a week sir, am I right? Three bars of soap?
00:03:39I don't know where the soap's going to, and every now and again, what I like to do, I like to spend about four hours just looking from a vehicle registration document.
00:03:52A little bit of fun you can have, oh yeah, a little bit of fun, even if you haven't got a baby, even if you don't have a baby, when you go out, book a babysitter, oh yeah, you book a babysitter,
00:04:05and even if you haven't got a baby, and on your way out, you say to the babysitter, in about half an hour's time, would you just check on the baby, would you?
00:04:14Even better than that, what you do, you write on one of the doors in the house, a baby's room, put an empty cot in there, you leave the window open, about that much.
00:04:35A little rope ladder? What do you mean the baby's escaped? Give me 50 quid, we'll forget all about it.
00:04:47Now, oh yeah, bowl of oranges? Where's my minicab? Now, one person clapping by himself, always a bit embarrassing, particularly after sex, I find.
00:05:10Oh, he's giving flowers out, I wish I'd sat at the front. Now, gold finger.
00:05:19Well, not just jockeys, I think all small people should have to wear a number.
00:05:29What do you say we run the Grand National till all the horses are dead?
00:05:33Go on, get back round. Get back round, don't come back until you're dead.
00:05:40Don't come back until you're dead. The naughty horses.
00:05:43Oh, hey, the naughty horses.
00:05:46They touch our queen.
00:05:50They touch our queen, the dirty, the dirty horses.
00:05:55Oh, uh, where do ice cream men get that quantity of stale flakes from?
00:06:01Where can you get the stale flakes in that quantity?
00:06:06A taste of honey.
00:06:09A taste of honey.
00:06:12Tasting much sweeter than silk.
00:06:17Silk.
00:06:18Silk.
00:06:19Silk.
00:06:20Juicy, juicy, silicy.
00:06:22Juicy, juicy, silicy.
00:06:24Ooh, ooh, yum, yum, silk.
00:06:25Ooh, ooh, yum, yum, silk.
00:06:27Yum, yum, silk.
00:06:28Ooh, yum, yum, silk.
00:06:30Wait, wait, wait.
00:06:31Don't worry, that's right, sir.
00:06:33It's a hand-operated torch.
00:06:35Now, the curly whirlies, the holes in the curly whirlies, do they dilute them and turn
00:06:40them into caromacs?
00:06:42Or do they roll them up and pass them off as revels?
00:06:45You, go and find out.
00:06:46Go.
00:06:48Bring back information.
00:06:49Now, I don't know, back me up on this.
00:06:54I don't know whether you remember when they allowed calculators in the maths exam.
00:06:59No, I can't believe they allowed calculators in the maths exam.
00:07:03What do you mean we've got to show the working out?
00:07:05But, um, I asked for the Casio PF100, a lovely calculator, I think you'll agree.
00:07:12You, uh, oh, yeah, it's a lovely one, isn't it?
00:07:14The Casio PF100.
00:07:18Unfortunately, my mother, mummy, bought me the Casio PF200, which, as you may know, is
00:07:25an electronic organ.
00:07:26Oh, mummy, what did you have to get that one for, mummy?
00:07:35So, you can imagine me in the maths exam here.
00:07:40It's the multi-choice, all important.
00:07:43Question one.
00:07:49Question two.
00:07:50I asked to be excused, went to the laboratory, where, behind the cistern, previous to the
00:08:02exam, I'd hidden some sheet music.
00:08:08Wasp on a baby's face, sir.
00:08:09What do you do?
00:08:11Ah, wasp on a baby's face.
00:08:12Come on, the clock's ticking.
00:08:14Wasp on a baby's face.
00:08:16The clock's ticking.
00:08:17Wasp on a baby's face.
00:08:19What do you do?
00:08:19Come on.
00:08:20It's an urgent situation.
00:08:21There's a wasp on a baby's face.
00:08:23What do you do?
00:08:24Ah, it stung the baby.
00:08:26It stung the baby.
00:08:27You were too late, weren't you?
00:08:28Come on.
00:08:30For pity's sake, there's a wasp on a baby.
00:08:32What news of curly-whirlies?
00:08:34What news?
00:08:35Curly-whirlie.
00:08:36What's it, curly-whirlie?
00:08:38Come on, wasp on a baby's.
00:08:39Slap it.
00:08:40Well, it might make the wasp sting the baby.
00:08:42That's the whole point.
00:08:44Flick it off.
00:08:45You're just digging yourself into a bigger hole.
00:08:47You know, you'd daub your own face with jam and lure it away.
00:08:58What's wrong?
00:08:59You didn't want the jam to drip onto your fancy poncho, is that it?
00:09:02You didn't want the jam to drip onto the fancy bespoke poncho.
00:09:08A little bit selfish, are we?
00:09:10A bit of a bully, are we?
00:09:12The sort of person who might get a younger boy and push him down the wet slide to dry
00:09:17it out for him.
00:09:18Well, a friend of mine, he lives in a castle in Scotland.
00:09:26Rather a nice idea.
00:09:27It was his daughter's second birthday the other day.
00:09:30It was a bit of fun.
00:09:31He put an inflatable council estate in the garden.
00:09:33Rather a nice idea.
00:09:34Now, see, Hitler, he was a bad man.
00:09:43Oh, have I gone too far?
00:09:45He was broadly, just in broad terms, he was a bad man.
00:09:51Winston Churchill, he was a good man, wasn't he?
00:09:54But the odd thing is, if you're in a balloon with Hitler and Churchill, and you're losing altitude.
00:10:04The one you throw out is Churchill, because he's the fat one.
00:10:06Go on.
00:10:10Give us a hand, Hitler.
00:10:12Come on.
00:10:14See, different games, different rules, isn't it?
00:10:17You see?
00:10:17Mahatma Gandhi loved peace, didn't he?
00:10:19He's a peace-loving man.
00:10:21But if you're looking for a tug-of-war team.
00:10:22Idiot-mean.
00:10:24Step right up.
00:10:28Step right up.
00:10:30Now, uh...
00:10:31That's right.
00:10:32Hand-operated torch.
00:10:34You see?
00:10:34Don't be frightened.
00:10:36Pony stroke.
00:10:37A pony stroke.
00:10:38A goat.
00:10:39A goat stroke.
00:10:40A goat stroke.
00:10:41A bunny stroke.
00:10:42A bunny stroke.
00:10:43A bunny stroke.
00:10:44An elephant.
00:10:44Pat.
00:10:45An elephant.
00:10:45Pat.
00:10:46A dog.
00:10:46Tickle.
00:10:47Tickle.
00:10:48And it's only really, when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a
00:10:52hot, sunny day, you realise just how often they spontaneously just burst into flames.
00:10:58Here you go.
00:10:59Oh!
00:11:00Now, uh, probably the, uh, probably the largest, uh, shellfish we have in this country must be
00:11:09the, uh, the donkey.
00:11:10Uh, you'll see them venture up onto the beach, low tide.
00:11:15Uh, um, um, um, sometimes wearing a hat, don't they?
00:11:19Um, um, um, occasionally a hat, sometimes a shawl, um, um, uh, occasionally a tight-fitting
00:11:25lycra suit.
00:11:26Uh, the, um, the, there they are, look.
00:11:28They've got four powerful suckers, haven't they?
00:11:31Hmm?
00:11:31They're hanging on underneath the bottoms of boats, haven't they?
00:11:35Uh, look.
00:11:35Hey, hey, blah, blah, blah.
00:11:37Hey, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:11:41Hey, hey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:11:43Hey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:11:45And, of course, uh, hey, hey, that's it, yeah.
00:11:49Hey, not right.
00:11:50Uh, hey, and so, hmm.
00:11:52And man, he exploits them, doesn't he?
00:11:54He uses the backs of the donkeys for rides.
00:11:55And I saw a fella, he's got six of them, he's got six donkeys, he's exploiting the backs
00:12:01of the donkeys for rides.
00:12:03And I bought those donkeys and I liberated them back into the ocean, ladies and gentlemen.
00:12:08I took them up onto the pier there, uh, and I, I pushed them off.
00:12:15And they can be stubborn, they can be stubborn donkeys, they're notorious for it.
00:12:20Well, give us a hand, look, come on.
00:12:24Plop.
00:12:25Plop.
00:12:26Six of them.
00:12:26And I was glad I did because, you know, the next day those donkeys were washed ashore,
00:12:31dead.
00:12:32But I was happy that before they died, however briefly, they'd gone home.
00:12:39We don't actually know what, uh, Jesus looked like doing the baby Jesus as he started off.
00:12:44He started off as the baby Jesus, then he conveniently dropped that bit, didn't he,
00:12:47the baby part.
00:12:47oh yeah the the artist formerly known as the baby Jesus we don't actually know
00:12:57what he looked like there have been various interpretations mostly bearded
00:13:01but I imagine a lot of the time Jesus just looked surprised what's going on
00:13:13wine but it was water a minute ago I didn't know there was a cure for leprosy
00:13:20now okay what's on a lady's face what do you do what's on a lady's face the
00:13:28clocks don't help him now you can't slap it in my what's when a lady's face what
00:13:35do you do it's less urgent isn't it look what on a lady's face what do you do
00:13:41hmm you can't slap it sir no in this situation all you're obliged to do is to
00:13:47inform the lady of the situation now my Nan has got she got two left feet
00:13:57tragically yes thank you for that sympathy she's got two left feet not ideal but
00:14:03the upside is she's able to steal shoes from outside dulcis
00:14:10left left left left left the odd thing is if she's if she sits cross-legged she
00:14:16looks perfectly normal it's an odd one she's got two left feet she's got two
00:14:20right hands mm-hmm she's got two right hands but she's she's left-handed it's an
00:14:25odd one she's left-handed got two right hands so she can she can hitchhike two
00:14:29places oh yeah she can get there all right mm-hmm but she but she can't get
00:14:34back
00:14:40now but she's clever my Nan what she does she is stripped to the waist within 10
00:14:44minutes there's a squad car to take her home
00:14:48oh no oh the quick how was the Queen mum now what 80 something like that about
00:14:5480 this must be at least late 70s the Queen the Queen well you think of the
00:15:01number of you think of the number of foundation stones she's laid in various
00:15:05municipal buildings and hospitals over the years at Queen mom but she'll never
00:15:11take on any heavy structural work now she's a she's typical builder in many
00:15:19ways so turn up on the first day you never see her again for you we have to
00:15:26hmm oh yeah well you have to remember of course about the Queen mum is that you
00:15:31you know at the end of the day she's just a lady isn't she she's a lady
00:15:37oh she's a lady sex bomb sex bomb you're my sex bomb
00:15:48they're very optimistic people ice cream men aren't they ice cream men you can tell
00:15:53they're optimistic from the tunes they play in the vans
00:16:00ice cream ice cream
00:16:03mind that child
00:16:06and it's it's it's they're optimistic people right so so they what happens is
00:16:10they get one hot day in April right they they go out right I think all summer's here
00:16:15they go out there by a whole load of flakes
00:16:20they go out there because the weather turns those flakes are gonna last them
00:16:23all summer
00:16:24but it's the optimistic sound of the ice cream van that brings the whales sun
00:16:30isn't it
00:16:31the whales swimming out at sea here they are look
00:16:35They come in too shallow really they come in too shall they beach themselves in the shallow part
00:16:50Choc-eyes.
00:17:00Choc-eyes.
00:17:02Now, do you want to meet them?
00:17:06Do you want to meet them, the caterers?
00:17:08I know you're all...
00:17:08Oh, yes, exciting, isn't it?
00:17:10Do you want to meet them?
00:17:11Here we go, then.
00:17:11It's the caterers, ladies and gentlemen.
00:17:13Here they are.
00:17:18Oh.
00:17:19It built.
00:17:20It built.
00:17:21It started small, but it built, Steve.
00:17:24Now, there's Steve, of course.
00:17:26There he is on the Yamaha Clavinova PF.
00:17:29It's a lovely...
00:17:30It's a joint Christmas and birthday present, Steve.
00:17:36It's a little more than we like to spend on a main gift.
00:17:38And so he skips a birthday, comes around again.
00:17:42It's Christmas now.
00:17:43That's new, isn't it?
00:17:44Oh, that's hot.
00:17:44It's a top one.
00:17:46It's a hot plate, isn't it?
00:17:47You've got a Savaloy, and you've got a jacket, a jacket potato on there for later.
00:17:53Now, and this here is Mark.
00:17:56This is Mark.
00:17:57Now, we're teaching Mark how to count, basically.
00:18:01What we're doing, we're using song, which he does understand, to teach him something he doesn't understand, which is count.
00:18:06Shall we show them?
00:18:09Oh, my darling, not three times.
00:18:17On the ceiling, if you want me.
00:18:22Twice on the pipe.
00:18:23If you ain't gonna show.
00:18:31There they are.
00:18:32Oh.
00:18:35Pizza.
00:18:38Pizza.
00:18:41Pizza.
00:18:41I don't know whether you have these, you've heard of these, have you?
00:18:51Have you seen these before?
00:18:53Have you?
00:18:54Have you seen these?
00:18:54The large cardboard mittens?
00:18:57They're ideal for the old folk at winter.
00:19:03No, of course it isn't.
00:19:06It's the shredded wheat, isn't it?
00:19:08There he is.
00:19:09There's the shredded wheat.
00:19:10Oh.
00:19:11Oh.
00:19:13A ripple of excitement passes through the palace theatre.
00:19:18Is he gonna hand them out?
00:19:19Is he gonna hand them out?
00:19:21He's got a seat down the front now.
00:19:24There it is, the shredded wheat.
00:19:26Now, you're probably like me, you look at people in hats, and you wonder how much milk
00:19:42you could smuggle under the hat, how much milk you could smuggle under the...
00:19:50Lazarus, what are you doing here?
00:19:53I thought you were dead.
00:19:56What's going on here?
00:19:58Oh.
00:19:59Oh.
00:20:00Oh.
00:20:02Tub.
00:20:05Tub.
00:20:06How much milk you could smuggle under the hat.
00:20:09That's why they give Millman the flat hats, isn't it?
00:20:12They give them the flat hats so they don't walk off with the merchandise.
00:20:17It makes sense.
00:20:19We all do it.
00:20:20We all walk away with stuff from the office.
00:20:22I might be staying in a hotel locally.
00:20:23I might walk off with, perhaps, a flannel, a bath towel.
00:20:28Obviously, a Corby trouser press is a quite different proposition.
00:20:31It's a long coat and a skateboard.
00:20:39Good night.
00:20:40That's why we give the policemen the tall helmets, isn't it?
00:20:45We give them the tall helmets.
00:20:47We know they could get a pint of milk under that helmet, but we trust them, don't we?
00:20:50We're testing them.
00:20:52We're testing them.
00:20:53We're saying, look, there's the fridge, packed full of milk.
00:20:56There's your tall helmet.
00:20:56Just try it.
00:20:57Go on.
00:20:58Go on.
00:20:58Just try it.
00:20:59For the hat, I like, is the jester's hat.
00:21:04Because under the jester's hat, you can get a pint and a half of each of the three different milk species.
00:21:11You get a pint and a half of skimmed.
00:21:14You can get a pint and a half of semi-skimmed.
00:21:19You can get a pint and a half of full, fat milk under that hat.
00:21:24You can walk through customs with four and a half pints of all three of the different milk species.
00:21:31And they've got no way of knowing.
00:21:33They've got absolutely no way of knowing how much milk you've got under that hat.
00:21:40The odd thing is, there's no actual restriction on the amount of milk you're allowed to take through customs.
00:21:45It's a loophole.
00:21:47It's a loophole.
00:21:48Yeah, you can walk through customs with four and a half pints of milk.
00:21:51You can have butter strapped underneath.
00:21:54You can go on.
00:21:55You can have a suitcase with a fault bottom packed full of processed cheese.
00:22:00And there's nothing they can do about it.
00:22:01They can't touch you.
00:22:03I'm the milk jester.
00:22:04And I'm back in town.
00:22:08Well, my parents split up, tragically.
00:22:12Yes.
00:22:13Ah, thank you.
00:22:13You like that lining, so do you?
00:22:16It dazzles.
00:22:17It dazzles.
00:22:18It excites.
00:22:18They did.
00:22:19They did split up, tragically.
00:22:23My...
00:22:24My dad became more and more deaf, relied increasingly on lip reading.
00:22:38And my mum, almost as if to spite him, became a Muslim fundamentalist.
00:22:43Your dinner's in the oven.
00:22:50Your dinner's in the oven.
00:22:55Pizza.
00:22:59Pizza.
00:22:59Pizza.
00:23:00They, uh...
00:23:01They did...
00:23:02They did split up.
00:23:04Mmm...
00:23:05Strawberry miffy.
00:23:07they did they did split up and my mom got custody of me my dad got custody of my sister and she
00:23:18would look at me and think poor old Harry he misses a father figure so she'd nip upstairs
00:23:22she put on a big black curly wig a big black curly moustache a football kid come downstairs
00:23:27a cool so we go play football and she was pretty good at football she knew all the moves dribble
00:23:35dribble dribble dribble pass think of the other fella where were you on the head on the head
00:23:42goal and it was during one of these particular matches that she was spotted by the then Liverpool
00:23:47team manager Bill Shankly who signed her arm she went on to a very successful career both nationally
00:23:54and internationally under the name of Ian Rush in the meantime of the other side of town there's
00:24:03my sister my father looks at my sister she misses the mother figure he nip upstairs a blonde wig
00:24:07tight-fitting top heavily pleated skirt white socks ice skates go play ice rink go skating down ice rink
00:24:15she was pretty good at ice skating my dad was during one of these particular rink outings that he was
00:24:21spotted by the then Olympic team manager signed him up he went on to have a very successful career under
00:24:26the name of a Jane Torville the other side of town I'm looking at my mom thinking she misses a
00:24:31daughter figure a nip upstairs a long ginger wig a tight-fitting gingham frock freckles a white socks
00:24:37little pair of red tap shoes just going with tap dancing lessons it's doing one of these tap dancing
00:24:42lessons I was spotted by the then producer of Junior Showtime and I went on to a very successful career
00:24:47under the name of Bonnie Langford all right you've heard of me in there's my sister up the other side
00:24:54of town looks at my dad misses a son figure she nip upstairs what's that lovely Lionel Richie number
00:25:09uh-huh nobody yours your once once once three times a lady
00:25:28well it's very thought for the poor chamois deer though here we are the poor chamois deer here he is
00:25:44gambling through the forest hmm the chamois deer with its super absorbent skin isn't it hmm it's super
00:25:51absorbent skin that we might wipe our heads cars heads cars heads cars heads cars the the chamois
00:25:58deer he is gambling through the forest with his friends the elk hmm the Thompson's gazelle oh yeah
00:26:04I've done the homework I'm on the internet bad boy dirty boy in your bed the chamois deer he's
00:26:11gambling through the forest with his friends and suddenly it starts raining it's all right I'll catch
00:26:16you up I'll catch you up I'll catch you up I'll catch you up now and you're probably like me everything now
00:26:28and again your your mind goes back to a previous lifetime does it hmm for me it's 2 BC when I was an
00:26:34Egyptian slave boy ah Mustafa the Pharaoh is thirsty bring more wine yes master ah the picture fades now
00:26:41we've stack of four terrapins so where do you place yourself stack of four terrapins we will see them
00:26:50stacking on the box where do you place yourself in that stack hmm no you've got to be on it's either on the
00:26:58bottom there there look I'm to die it's a finger diagram second from the top hmm that tells us a
00:27:08lot about you now we've see with the smaller ones right see the little ones that the bite size oh
00:27:16excitement see yeah you will think yeah they're smaller there's more of them maybe he will hand them
00:27:23out the shreddies the cruel orphaned byproduct of the cruel shredded wheat trade hmm the the little
00:27:32tiny orphans look hmm there is look here he is look I'll demonstrate it now see that's the that's the
00:27:39mummy that's the mummy who's been taken away all right and here's the is the
00:27:46the little tiny
00:28:10I'm gonna have to kill that one as well I'm gonna have to
00:28:25play something suitable the uh there we are tragic that no here they are the year here we are
00:28:40here we are look it's number 14 we'll play number 12 Stockport County because they're smaller
00:28:51now we've all seen him on the street corner somewhere we've always seen them on the street corners many of
00:29:04them smoking many of them on drugs they've got no jobs to go to and once a week we see them queuing for
00:29:13the state handouts or pensions as they call them I've actually I've actually worked out why uh old
00:29:25people look the way they do right we have to go back to first principles uh you take a difference
00:29:30between a raisin and a grape basically is anyone anyone it's moisture isn't it don't look for hard
00:29:36answers in these sir don't look for something difficult these are the easy ones hmm all right
00:29:41here's one here's a hard one boy uh uh names of celebrities whose surnames suggest they should
00:29:46be good at DIY mc hammer we've got up the back there you see he's the streets ahead okay the difference
00:30:07between a grape and a raisin is stop thinking I know you're thinking of them stop thinking about them
00:30:11I don't want anymore now don't want anymore the difference between a grape and a difference between
00:30:22a grape and a raisin is moisture right if you if you open a packet of biscuits right within a couple of
00:30:27days if you leave them open those biscuits have gone soft why because they draw in moisture if you get an
00:30:34elderly lady you open a handbag or do you find biscuits I rest my case now uh poor old uh nan she
00:30:47she did she died tragically yes yes thank you it's it's building isn't it it's building that the sympathy
00:30:55sound uh it's been a terrible week in many ways for me this is a combination of a terrible week um
00:31:00the only silver lining is that I had a rice pudding for lunch and uh rather nice and uh you know how
00:31:09the pot the skin gets sort of baked on to the outside of the of the of the pot there uh before
00:31:14I came out tonight uh I put it into soak so forgive me if I appear smug oh yes when I get home one quick
00:31:29wipe that's all it'll take
00:31:38what's that uh what's that number you that the going on song that you wrote
00:31:43what are we started here
00:31:52going on 17
00:32:03you
00:33:13And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
00:33:28I'll never get anyone trained in Tai Chi to back you into a parking space.
00:33:43You'll be there all day.
00:33:43Oh, give us a hand, Hitler.
00:33:54My nan, she died tragically.
00:33:58Basically, she died of a hoarse voice.
00:34:01Well, to be specific, she drowned, in fact.
00:34:06Help.
00:34:09Help.
00:34:12Help.
00:34:12Help.
00:34:13She was depressed.
00:34:15She'd just come out of the bingo.
00:34:17She'd had a successful line, but was unable to claim the prize.
00:34:20But she brought the funeral out to the last detail, ladies and gentlemen.
00:34:29She wanted that beautiful gospel number at the funeral.
00:34:32Oh, happy day.
00:34:35Oh, happy day.
00:34:36Oh, happy day.
00:34:38When Jesus washed.
00:34:40When Jesus washed.
00:34:41All my sins away.
00:34:43Oh, happy day.
00:34:45There was a clerical error at the crematorium.
00:34:46And instead, as the coffin disappeared through the curtains for the last time, what we actually
00:34:52heard was...
00:34:54Tuesday.
00:34:54Happy day.
00:34:56Thursday.
00:34:56Happy day.
00:34:57Happy Saturday.
00:34:58Happy day.
00:34:59Saturday.
00:35:00What a day.
00:35:01Rockin' all week for you.
00:35:04Today's a ride.
00:35:05It's happy day.
00:35:06It's all yours, I'm fine.
00:35:08It's happy day.
00:35:08It's all yours, I'm fine.
00:35:09It's all yours, I'm fine.
00:35:11Happy day.
00:35:13This is far from my deal.
00:35:16They put the war memorials up, don't they?
00:35:27They put the war memorials up so we remember the war dead.
00:35:34Isn't that right, Barry?
00:35:35We come out of...
00:35:36Timmy Mallet, you could have had.
00:35:37Timmy Mallet's one.
00:35:39You might have been thinking about.
00:35:42You come out of the house, right?
00:35:44You see the war memorial.
00:35:45You think, oh, war dead.
00:35:48And of course, this is in the days before post-it notes.
00:35:52Now, vegetarians, they tend to be the same people who go on about the environment, aren't they?
00:36:02In my experience, the vegetarians.
00:36:03Now, maybe there'll be a bit more environment about if they wasn't eating all the plants.
00:36:12You can't marry your auntie, can't you?
00:36:14There's not a problem with that.
00:36:15There's no law against it, is there?
00:36:16You can marry your auntie.
00:36:18Hmm?
00:36:18A strange woman who kisses you every time you see her.
00:36:21She's trying to tell you something, isn't she?
00:36:24Read the signs.
00:36:26You auntie!
00:36:27She's perfect, isn't she?
00:36:28She's the perfect woman.
00:36:29She looks a bit like your mum.
00:36:32And she's younger and not married to your dad.
00:36:36Hmm?
00:36:38Have you thought of one, then?
00:36:39Have you thought of one?
00:36:40Jimmy Nail.
00:36:41Jimmy Nail, I'll accept.
00:36:42Very good.
00:36:44Very welcome to you.
00:36:45Yeah.
00:36:47You'll notice that that gets a round of applause, fellas.
00:36:50Apparently.
00:36:51That's...
00:36:52Yes, it's jolly good.
00:36:54Anyone else got any?
00:36:56Oh, we're all off now, aren't we?
00:36:58Oh, yes.
00:36:59Oh, we've all thought of one in the intervening ten minutes.
00:37:02Harry Carpenter.
00:37:03Harry Carpenter.
00:37:04We'll accept, yes.
00:37:05It's a good one.
00:37:06Hmm?
00:37:09Jacobedemus and Plyes.
00:37:10Yes, I haven't thought of that one.
00:37:19It's a night.
00:37:19I can't believe how busy we are on the phones tonight.
00:37:23Hello?
00:37:25Oh, hello, Chris.
00:37:26Yeah, put him on.
00:37:27Yeah.
00:37:27Hello, Bob.
00:37:28Yes.
00:37:29Yeah.
00:37:30Yeah.
00:37:31Yeah.
00:37:32Yeah.
00:37:32I think it's D, Wisconsin.
00:37:34Good luck.
00:37:39Hello.
00:37:40Well, when I was younger, we used to say quite a lot, hey, it's the Fonz.
00:37:52Nine times out of ten, it wasn't the Fonz.
00:37:54So that would be followed by, hey, it's the Fonz.
00:37:57Oh, no, it's not the Fonz.
00:38:00And most of us grew out of it.
00:38:01One lad, he would go on and on about it.
00:38:02Hey, it's the Fonz, time after time.
00:38:04And one night, one night, one night, one night, we're about our business there, like that.
00:38:13And he goes, hey, it's the Fonz.
00:38:15Well, we didn't even bother looking up from our own.
00:38:17We didn't even bother looking up.
00:38:19Yeah, I know.
00:38:20Hey, it's the Fonz.
00:38:22Yeah, yeah.
00:38:22All right, yeah.
00:38:23Pull the other one.
00:38:24We didn't even look up from our own.
00:38:25And he goes, hey, no, look, it is the Fonz.
00:38:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:27We believe you.
00:38:28Look, please, look.
00:38:29It is the Fonz.
00:38:31Yeah, yeah, we believe you.
00:38:32Pull the other one.
00:38:33We've been at too many times, mate.
00:38:34And you know, that night, the Fonz killed and ate 14 of her best sheep.
00:38:43The story there of the boy who cried Fonz.
00:38:52Now, ladies and gentlemen, oh.
00:38:59And now, ladies and gentlemen, the previous Secretary of State for Northern Ireland's
00:39:05husband are telling her that their grass needs cutting.
00:39:10Moe, my lawn.
00:39:15And now, ladies and gentlemen, the First Minister of the Northern Ireland Assembly's wife are
00:39:20telling him that their cow needs a haircut.
00:39:23David Trimble.
00:39:28And now, a prominent member of Sinn Fรฉin's wife inquiring about her drink.
00:39:36Martin McGuinness.
00:39:39Now, this is the part of the show that I like to call the Good Friday Agreement fun
00:39:45spot.
00:39:45laughter and a crisis, and rounded up, the Prime Minister of Southern Ireland's wife interrupting
00:39:54him at a party.
00:39:56Bertie.
00:39:57Ahem.
00:40:00Some of you.
00:40:02Oh, some of you may have noticed this item.
00:40:04This is a, that's right.
00:40:05It's a gymnastics mat.
00:40:07Oh, yeah.
00:40:08It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a gymnastics mat.
00:40:20Uh, I do apologize.
00:40:21I can't find my vehicle registration document anywhere.
00:40:25Um, it's, it's a gymnastics mat.
00:40:30And coming up, we've got the, the history of popular music gymnastics display, which in
00:40:35my view is the high point.
00:40:37Yes.
00:40:37Of the, of the, yeah.
00:40:39What I do is I distill all the different forms of music over the 20th century into, uh, six
00:40:45basic gymnastics moves.
00:40:47Uh, it's just something to look forward to.
00:40:51It's something.
00:40:52Now, presumably, uh, if you're training to be a bullfighter, um, you don't start straight
00:40:58in on balls, do you?
00:41:00No.
00:41:00Presumably, first day, uh, bullfighter, you have to wrestle a, a chicken to the floor.
00:41:04laughter
00:41:05It's on my back.
00:41:09It's on my back.
00:41:10The chicken's on my back.
00:41:11I call the teacher.
00:41:12I call the teacher.
00:41:14Day two.
00:41:15Presumably, you can just walk up to a sheep and punch him in the face.
00:41:19Ha!
00:41:21Hey!
00:41:23Ah!
00:41:25Ah!
00:41:26Ah!
00:41:29Well, uh, my own, uh, marriage is broken up as well.
00:41:35Uh, Basil Brush.
00:41:37There's another one you could have had.
00:41:40Um, so, uh, my own marriage broke up.
00:41:48I say, uh, marriage, we never actually got the paper through from the Philippines in the
00:41:51end, but, uh, so a friend of mine, uh, Andy, Dave, uh, you're probably like me.
00:41:57You say Andy, and you mean to say Dave.
00:41:59He, uh, he, uh, he arranged for a, a blind date.
00:42:05He said, I know a rich widow.
00:42:06He said, you can go out and have a lovely drink with this rich widow.
00:42:09So we went out with the rich widow.
00:42:11We had a lovely evening.
00:42:12She invited me back to her place.
00:42:13Uh, we get in there, and she says, I'm just going to go and slip into something more comfortable.
00:42:17Off she goes.
00:42:18While she's away, I look up.
00:42:19I notice there are all these, uh, balloons full of blood hanging from the ceiling.
00:42:25I thought, that's odd.
00:42:27Uh, and while she's gone, uh, I notice this, and then she comes back, and she's wearing,
00:42:33she's completely naked, except for one of those musical socks that you get at Christmas.
00:42:37You know, the musical socks that you get at Christmas, uh,
00:42:42I'll just turn it off, save the battery.
00:42:47Um, she's got a broom handle, uh, with a nail sticking out in one hand.
00:42:53Uh, she bends over, she activates the sock.
00:42:58She bursts one of the balloons.
00:43:00She hands me the broom handle, and says, go on, your turn.
00:43:03Well, I made my excuses and left.
00:43:05You know, the next day, I phoned that friend of mine.
00:43:09I phoned him.
00:43:09I said, Andy, Dave, Andy, Dave.
00:43:11I said, that, I said, that rich widow.
00:43:13He said, widow?
00:43:14No, no, no, no, no, weirdo.
00:43:22Good night, Jess.
00:43:23Good night, Jess.
00:43:28Oh, here we go.
00:43:3176 trombones hit the big parade.
00:43:35Oh, here we go.
00:44:051, 2, 3, 2, 3.
00:44:151, 2, 1, 4.
00:44:22. . .
00:44:52. .
00:45:22All right, what goes 99 thump right? It's a proper joke. I've only got one. 99 thump. What goes? Anyone?
00:45:40No, an ice cream man being mugged.
00:45:42No.
00:45:46Get out of here. You can't slay me.
00:45:48We're calling Gulkin.
00:45:55Hello, everyone. Wait a minute. What am I doing here? I was crucified three days ago.
00:46:04Hang on. Have you thought of one? Do you think of one, Barry?
00:46:09Bonnie Tyler, yes. Very good.
00:46:12Nice one. Nice one. A round. You get a round for that one.
00:46:17Anyone else?
00:46:18Thea Turner.
00:46:19Thea Turner. No, it's a specialist job.
00:46:23You need specialist machinery. I cannot allow it.
00:46:27Peter O'Toole.
00:46:28Peter O'Toole we've had down the front. Very good, yes.
00:46:30Nigel Plainer.
00:46:31Nigel Plainer's a nice one.
00:46:33Kendall Slainer.
00:46:35Yeah, fun, isn't it?
00:46:36But is it entertainment?
00:46:40I mean, you don't really need me here for that deal.
00:46:47Now, there's never been Roger Black and Desmond Decker. That's my favourite.
00:46:56Individually, no.
00:46:57But together as a team.
00:46:58Yes.
00:46:59You never see any Dutch...
00:47:00There's never been like a really well-known Dutch detective, has there?
00:47:03There's never been like a really well-known Dutch detective, has there?
00:47:07If you think about it, there's a very good reason for that.
00:47:11If you think about it, it's very difficult to creep up on someone wearing wooden shoes.
00:47:16No, I'm going away.
00:47:20No, I'm going away.
00:47:22No, I'm going away.
00:47:23Now, uh...
00:47:24Oh, Masterfa.
00:47:26How did you gain access to Pharaoh's bedchamber?
00:47:28The picture fades.
00:47:30I'll be honest with you, I've been upset this week because my bum bag burst.
00:47:43I can't find my vehicle registration document.
00:47:48Wait a minute, what did I tie that knot in there for?
00:47:54Oh yeah, war dead.
00:47:56Now, you probably let me, you divide people into two broad groups according to their personality traits.
00:48:09Do you?
00:48:10The cats and the snakes.
00:48:11Back me up on this.
00:48:13You divide people into two broad groups, the cats and the snakes according to their personality traits.
00:48:17Am I right?
00:48:18Back me up on this.
00:48:19If you're right, madam, I can allocate you which broad group you fall into.
00:48:23What's your name for starters?
00:48:26Sam, short for?
00:48:27Samantha, short for?
00:48:28Okay.
00:48:29And you have a...
00:48:30You've been allocated a surname, have you?
00:48:31Okay.
00:48:32What was the surname allocation?
00:48:33Eve, Samantha, Eve's.
00:48:34Of course.
00:48:35Okay.
00:48:36All the time I'm thinking cat or snake.
00:48:37Which is she?
00:48:38Cat or snake?
00:48:39Yeah.
00:48:40Okay.
00:48:41What was the surname allocation?
00:48:43Eve, Samantha, Eve's.
00:48:45Of course.
00:48:46Okay.
00:48:47All the time I'm thinking cat or snake.
00:48:48Which is she?
00:48:49Cat or snake?
00:48:50Yeah.
00:48:51Okay.
00:48:52Samantha, Eve's.
00:48:53What do you do for a living?
00:48:54Are you in employment currently?
00:48:55Housewife and mother.
00:48:56Of course.
00:48:57Very important job.
00:48:58Of course.
00:48:59The housewife, isn't it?
00:49:00It's a...
00:49:01A lot of that, isn't it?
00:49:02And...
00:49:03Neighbours.
00:49:04Of course.
00:49:05No.
00:49:06There's more to it than that.
00:49:07And you get the long holidays.
00:49:09No.
00:49:10I do apologise.
00:49:11Here's a washer dryer.
00:49:12And home and away.
00:49:13No.
00:49:14Of course not.
00:49:15The...
00:49:16No.
00:49:17There's more to it than that.
00:49:18And you get the long holidays.
00:49:20No.
00:49:21I do apologise.
00:49:22Here's a washer dryer.
00:49:23And home and away.
00:49:24No.
00:49:25Of course not.
00:49:26No.
00:49:27Of course not.
00:49:28Now, the...
00:49:29I do apologise.
00:49:30All the time...
00:49:31All the time...
00:49:32I'm thinking cat or snake.
00:49:35Which is she?
00:49:36OK.
00:49:37Do you have a favourite colour?
00:49:38Samantha Eves.
00:49:39Have you had to choose?
00:49:42Your favourite colour?
00:49:43Huh?
00:49:44Blue.
00:49:45OK.
00:49:46Cat or snake.
00:49:47Samantha Eves.
00:49:48She's a housewife favourite colour.
00:49:49Blue.
00:49:50If you had to choose, which would you rather sleep in?
00:49:52A big wicker basket with a lid or in front of a nice hot fire?
00:49:59Now...
00:50:00You...
00:50:01You know when you get your...
00:50:08You get the photos back.
00:50:09You get your photos back.
00:50:10You think, what did I take that one for?
00:50:12You think, what did I take that one for?
00:50:14What did I take...
00:50:15Then you remember, you're a crime scene photographer for the...
00:50:22What did I take that one for?
00:50:23Have we got any crime scene photographers in at all?
00:50:25Any crime scene photographers?
00:50:26No?
00:50:27OK.
00:50:28Anyone in who marks out the deceased body at the scene of the murder?
00:50:30Anyone?
00:50:31There's only a couple.
00:50:32Hmm?
00:50:33Presumably.
00:50:34Presumably, if you're one of those people, you're driving to the murder scene like that.
00:50:37Unconsciously, you're thinking, oh, I hope they've died on a lino.
00:50:40I think it's something smooth like lino.
00:50:42Because the tape goes down nice and easy.
00:50:44Comes up nice and easily at the end.
00:50:46You can reuse it and cut down your overheads.
00:50:48And you get there.
00:50:49And what is it?
00:50:50Carpet tiles.
00:50:51Oh, my God.
00:50:53This grit all sticking to the underside of the tape.
00:50:57The carpet tiles are coming up.
00:50:59You're pulling...
00:51:00You're pulling the tape up.
00:51:02Why did you have to die on such a gritty surface?
00:51:06Well, perhaps we should wrap things up while we're ahead, fellas.
00:51:09But, uh, Harry, what about Stufer?
00:51:11Stufer?
00:51:12I haven't seen him all...
00:51:15I haven't seen him all day.
00:51:16Oh, Lordy, I travel so hard.
00:51:20Oh, Lordy, I travel so hard.
00:51:26I'll see if I can see him.
00:51:28Nobody know my trouble but God.
00:51:33Oh, nobody know my trouble but God.
00:51:40Oh, Lordy, I travel so hard.
00:51:43Oh, Lordy, I travel so hard.
00:51:46And don't nobody know my trouble but God.
00:51:49No, nobody know my trouble but God.
00:51:52It's Stufer, ladies and gentlemen, here it is.
00:51:54And here it is.
00:52:04Alright Stufa, that's enough. That's enough.
00:52:07Oh, Mr. Harry, I do like Moby.
00:52:10Well, for those of you up the back, if you can't see Stufa, awfully well, this is what they're seeing.
00:52:24That's what we're seeing down the front.
00:52:31How are you doing, Stufa?
00:52:35Oh, I'm not so happy, Mr. Harry. Why is that?
00:52:37Well, I found out why I am the colour that I am.
00:52:40Well, why is that?
00:52:42Your mother?
00:52:44With a smurf?
00:52:46Tell me, Sam, do you like food out of a tin that stinks?
00:52:55Or do you like to dislocate your jaw and swallow small mammals whole?
00:53:01Okay, now...
00:53:03Larry Sanders.
00:53:05Yes, you could have had Larry Sanders as a nice one.
00:53:08Steps. Steps is a good one.
00:53:11Um, okay.
00:53:13Now, hmm.
00:53:14So, we've come up with an invention, Stufa and I.
00:53:17That's it, Stufa, you help.
00:53:19Er...
00:53:20There we are.
00:53:21Er...
00:53:22What?
00:53:23Er...
00:53:24We've come up with an invention.
00:53:26You know when you've got a nice piece of fish?
00:53:29Oh, a nice piece of fish and you can get the vinegar on top of the fish, can't you?
00:53:49That's...
00:53:50Er...
00:53:51But it tends to skate over the...
00:53:52It tends to skate over the surface.
00:53:53It tends to skate over the surface.
00:53:54It tends to skate over the surface.
00:53:55Er...
00:53:56Like...
00:53:57Er...
00:53:58What would be a good analogy for that, Stufa?
00:53:59Er...
00:54:00Er...
00:54:01Er...
00:54:02It skates over the surface like water off, er...
00:54:05Er...
00:54:06Er...
00:54:07Er...
00:54:08A bundle of greaseproof paper.
00:54:09Yes.
00:54:10That would be a good one.
00:54:11A good analogy.
00:54:12Er...
00:54:13Er...
00:54:14You've got a better one.
00:54:15Er...
00:54:16Er...
00:54:17So...
00:54:18So what it is...
00:54:19It...
00:54:20It...
00:54:21It...
00:54:22It...
00:54:23It...
00:54:24It...
00:54:25It...
00:54:26It's the vinegar duck.
00:54:27I don't know if you can...
00:54:28Pass that round.
00:54:29Look.
00:54:30What it is...
00:54:31It's a...
00:54:32It's a...
00:54:33It's a conventional vinegar dispenser with an attenuated nostril.
00:54:35Noz-il.
00:54:36Noz-il.
00:54:37Noz-il.
00:54:38Noz-il.
00:54:39Noz-il.
00:54:40Noz-il.
00:54:41Noz-il.
00:54:42Noz-il.
00:54:43Noz-il.
00:54:44Noz-il.
00:54:45Noz-il.
00:54:46Noz-il.
00:54:47Noz-il.
00:54:48Noz-il.
00:54:49Noz-il.
00:54:50Noz-il.
00:54:51Noz-il.
00:54:52Noz-il.
00:54:53Noz-il.
00:54:54Noz-il.
00:54:55Noz-il.
00:54:56Noz-il.
00:54:57Noz-il.
00:54:58Noz-il.
00:54:59Noz-il.
00:55:00Noz-il.
00:55:01Noz-il.
00:55:02Noz-il.
00:55:03Noz-il.
00:55:04Noz-il.
00:55:05Noz-il.
00:55:06Noz-il.
00:55:07Noz-il.
00:55:08Noz-il.
00:55:09Noz-il.
00:55:10Noz-il.
00:55:11Noz-il.
00:55:12Noz-il.
00:55:13Noz-il.
00:55:14Noz-il.
00:55:15That was one of your rights.
00:55:19Yeah, it was one of mine, Stufer.
00:55:21While that is busy circulating,
00:55:25it's absolutely fascinating, isn't it?
00:55:29What I thought we'd do is open the floor for any questions for Stufer.
00:55:32Yeah, any questions for Stufer?
00:55:34An informal question and answer session, if you will, of my tiny blue friend.
00:55:40Anyone got any questions?
00:55:42How old are you?
00:55:43How old are you is a good question for Stufer from the third row back there.
00:55:49Okay, well, I'll put it to him.
00:55:52Tell me, Stufer, how old are you?
00:55:56Well, I have many ages and many lives.
00:56:01Yeah, he's a Buddhist.
00:56:04That's basically Buddhism, isn't it?
00:56:06Something to do with lives, anyway.
00:56:08Yeah, I am, I can remember many, any time of any age, I can remember some detail of it.
00:56:17If you perhaps would like to follow that question up by naming a date, he can give you, see if he can remember.
00:56:25July the 7th.
00:56:26July the 7th.
00:56:341972, okay.
00:56:36Overcast.
00:56:38Very overcast.
00:56:40It was very overcast that day.
00:56:42That's what sticks in his mind.
00:56:45Any other questions for Buddha?
00:56:47Stufer, sorry.
00:56:50One more question.
00:56:51Have you got a girlfriend from up the back there?
00:56:55Well, I'll put that to him.
00:56:56Have you got a girlfriend, Stufer?
00:56:57Oh, yeah.
00:56:58I've got a girlfriend.
00:56:59Oh, you asked her out, did you?
00:57:00Oh, yeah.
00:57:02Shake it out.
00:57:03Stufer, shake it out.
00:57:05Did she decline?
00:57:07No.
00:57:07Didn't she mind?
00:57:08I don't think so.
00:57:09Was it for real?
00:57:11Damn sure.
00:57:12What was the deal?
00:57:13Pretty girl at 24.
00:57:14So was she keen?
00:57:15She couldn't wait.
00:57:16Cinnamon queen?
00:57:18Let me update.
00:57:19What did she say?
00:57:19She said she'd love to rendezvous.
00:57:22She asked me what we were going to do.
00:57:23So we stopped with a bottle.
00:57:23I'm away for two.
00:57:24Monday.
00:57:25Took her for a drink on Tuesday.
00:57:27We were making love on Wednesday.
00:57:29On Thursday.
00:57:30Friday.
00:57:31Saturday.
00:57:31Children on Sunday.
00:57:32Met the girl.
00:57:33Monday.
00:57:34Took her for a drink on Tuesday.
00:57:36We were making love on Wednesday.
00:57:44The crowd say,
00:57:45Bo Selector.
00:57:48Sorted.
00:57:48Respect you.
00:57:49Stoop with that, ladies and gentlemen.
00:57:50That's all I do.
00:57:51Put in.
00:57:52Good night.
00:58:01The indisputable leader of the...
00:58:08Sex bomb.
00:58:12We better wind up now, fellas,
00:58:16don't we?
00:58:16If you think...
00:58:18What we're going to do,
00:58:18we're going to leave you with some pretty thoughts.
00:58:20So many of our young comedians
00:58:22will send you away with an ugly thought.
00:58:25A profanity, even.
00:58:27We're going to send you away
00:58:28with some pretty thoughts.
00:58:31Butterfly in blue jeans.
00:58:36Butterfly in blue jeans.
00:58:37Hamster in a chiffon top.
00:58:41Puppy in a poncho.
00:58:44Fluffy duckling with a ball.
00:58:47Fluffy duckling with a ball.
00:58:48Butterfly in blue jeans.
00:58:52These are the things of our dreams.
00:58:56Of our dreams.
00:58:58These are the things of our dreams.
00:59:03Fluffy duckling with a ball.
00:59:33We better win.
00:59:49I've got nothing, nothing.
00:59:51I've got nothing, nothing.
00:59:54I'm thinking nothing about the charm,
00:59:57oh, no, no, no, no.
00:59:59The love's gotta hold on my heart
01:00:29The love's gotta hold on my heart
01:00:36The love's gotta hold on my heart