Taskmaster - S19 E01 -
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FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:35Hello! Thank you, I'm Greg Davies.
00:37Welcome to this brand new series of Taskmaster!
00:45I have never felt so full of hope.
00:48The tasks are new, the contestants are new,
00:51and whilst I was enjoying my single-origin espresso this morning,
00:54they were being shaved down and put through our 12-point hygiene programme,
00:58ready for battle, so they all smell just great...
01:01for now.
01:02So, let's meet the new recruits,
01:04ready to risk it all to take home Daddy's golden head.
01:10Daddy's golden head of destiny,
01:13is a sentence I forgot I wrote.
01:16Please welcome...
01:18Fatih Al Gorey!
01:21Jason Mandzuka!
01:24Matthew Baker!
01:26Rosie Ramsey!
01:29And Stevie Martin!
01:33And next to me, a man who is a lifelong supporter
01:36of Liverpool Football Club,
01:38and tells me that the only downside to that
01:40is meeting the other fans,
01:42who he finds to be universally stupid
01:45and physically disgusting.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:49Thank you, Alex Hall!
01:52Nice to be here.
01:54OK.
01:55Hello, everyone.
01:57I've designed for episode one a brand-new magic trick,
02:00and I know you love magic, Greg.
02:01I love magic.
02:02Well, you're going to love this magic trick.
02:03It's called the magic pen.
02:04It looks like an ordinary pen.
02:06Mm-hm.
02:07But I've signed it using the pen.
02:11How?
02:13I'll tell you how.
02:15Magic.
02:16Magic.
02:18Magic.
02:19Magic pen.
02:20How's it done?
02:22I know you're thinking, maybe I've used a second pen.
02:24Well, look.
02:25Here is another pen.
02:26Also signed.
02:27How?
02:28I'll tell you how.
02:29Magic.
02:30Magic.
02:32Could there be another pen?
02:33Yes, but also signed.
02:36Magic.
02:37Yes.
02:38I know the man well,
02:39and I wouldn't be surprised if there's a fourth pen.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:43Magic.
02:45I don't think you'd go to fifth, though.
02:47I did, actually,
02:48and I couldn't work out how to get it on this one.
02:50Anyway, that's the magic trick.
02:52An auspicious beginning to a new season.
02:55Series, Jason.
03:00I'm with him, you're a guest in this country.
03:03You'll learn our ways by hook or crook, young man.
03:07OK, let's have our first prize task category, please.
03:10OK, and we're starting the series with the object
03:13that reminds you of school the most in a good way.
03:16Mm.
03:17We all know Greg used to be a teacher.
03:18Mm.
03:19We also know Greg has played teachers on TV,
03:21and, as the taskmaster, he's sort of like a head teacher.
03:24So, yes, Greg's got range.
03:26Five points...
03:28I've not got range!
03:30I'm amazed you're in showbiz!
03:34You should be, at most, an assistant bank manager.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39So, five points will be gifted to the bringer of the item Greg likes best,
03:43and the winner of the episode will take home all five prizes
03:46in a great big school satchel.
03:48Peace out, man.
03:49OK, Fatio, welcome to Taskmaster.
03:51What have you brought me?
03:52So, I brought in a golf club.
03:54Here it is.
03:55That reminds her of school the most in a good way.
03:58As a kid, I used to be really naughty, and my mum had enough,
04:01so she came up the school, and she goes to the teacher,
04:03if Fertiha keeps on playing up, hit her, and then he got this thing,
04:08and he put it as if he's going to do a golf move, and then...
04:11And he would hit you with a golf club?
04:12No, he would pretend to.
04:13Are you mad?
04:14Am I mad?
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16Like, he would pretend to, so he'd, like, try to scare me
04:20into being a good girl.
04:21So, the thing that you've brought in that reminds you of school
04:24in a good way is a golf club that your teacher used to
04:27threaten you with.
04:28Yeah, cos I never got hit, so that's a good thing.
04:30Ah!
04:31The glass is half full.
04:34Jason, what thing did you bring in to represent the good times?
04:38Well, this, for me, was something that was ubiquitous
04:40in my high school.
04:42It is a map, but it's the kind of map that was mounted on the
04:45blackboard that you pulled down like this.
04:47Oh, sweet.
04:48Right?
04:49See, I thought you might like that.
04:50Here it is.
04:51Oh, yeah.
04:52Oh, yeah, nice.
04:53I mean, how satisfying is that?
04:54That's nice.
04:55If I could just imagine myself in the world.
04:58So, your childhood imagination just soared?
05:01Just wishing that I could get out and get here onto this stage.
05:05Wow.
05:06It's both heartwarming and tragic.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Who's next?
05:10Oh, I've got some facts about America, if you want.
05:12No, thanks.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:15I have brought the TV trolley.
05:19Oh, the TV trolley.
05:21Another blinding move.
05:23Just a sweet nostalgia.
05:25When this bad boy came out, you knew you were in for 45 minutes
05:29of watching a probably late 70s, early 80s old episode
05:34of Equinox.
05:36Yeah.
05:38Science documentary.
05:39And you would ignore the educational content
05:41and you would just be sort of laughing at the fashion.
05:44Well, having been a teacher,
05:46I can give you a bit of a glance behind the magician's curtain here.
05:49Because normally you would see the film or the documentary on a Friday,
05:53and the reason for that is the teachers all went to the pub.
05:55And I'm proud to tell you, I did a five-pint lunch.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01Every Friday?
06:03And it was Guinness too, so I was heavy.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:09Thank you, I like your trolley.
06:11I mean, I've got to say, the golf club's looking less and less appealing.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:16Rosie, welcome.
06:19What have you brought in?
06:20I brought me school dinner.
06:21Oh.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23So that's chicken with gravy.
06:25Is it?
06:26LAUGHTER
06:27The TV should not stand up.
06:29What's all the way to the left next to the brown turd?
06:32LAUGHTER
06:33Oh, that's stuffing.
06:34The dessert is on the same thing as the main.
06:36Yeah.
06:37So you could go in your...
06:38That's all right.
06:39It all goes in the same stomach.
06:41That's bold.
06:42This is good.
06:43Stevie, school, good times?
06:45No.
06:46But I found, like, a sort of cultural cachet in my school,
06:50which involves the prize task.
06:52Write cultural cachet down.
06:53Yes.
06:54Is it, hold it down to get the E acute?
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58Stay with me.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02It is.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:06LAUGHTER
07:09So, scented gel pens.
07:11Oh.
07:12What people would do is draw their name for the person
07:15they were going out with.
07:16Mm.
07:17And then everyone would just walk around smelling the back
07:18of their hand all day.
07:19Yeah.
07:20But the cultural cachet was that my name begins with S,
07:23so I could do the Superman S thing, which was...
07:25Do you know the Superman S thing?
07:27Yeah.
07:28Yes, of course.
07:29OK.
07:30You said that you were in your 70s or something.
07:31I don't know.
07:32They had Superman, didn't they?
07:33No, they didn't.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:36I'm not Victorian.
07:38Sorry.
07:39Sorry, yes, yes.
07:40Five objects there, Greg.
07:42What reminds you of school in the least good way?
07:44Well, obviously, being hit with a golf club.
07:47One point to Fatih.
07:48Well done, we're off the mark.
07:49I guess I have to judge it on the things that made me go,
07:51ah, the most, so I have to give Stevie two points
07:53because gel pens are a little bit new for me.
07:55Two to Stevie.
07:56Three to the school dinner.
07:58OK.
07:59Ah, for no other reason than we need to move on.
08:01OK.
08:02And...
08:03I love the VHS trolley,
08:05but it also slightly reminds me of my own teaching days.
08:08I love the romance of the map.
08:10So, five points to Jason.
08:11There we go.
08:12Well done, Jason Munster, five points.
08:14APPLAUSE
08:16Right, let's get going.
08:18OK.
08:19Well, hands down and heads up
08:21as we kick off proceedings in the lab.
08:24Hello, hello, hello.
08:38Fancy seeing you here.
08:42Jason.
08:43Alex.
08:47Hi.
08:48Excellent entrance.
08:50Is this the lab?
08:59Wait, am I in the wrong room?
09:01This is the lab.
09:02It's the lab, innit?
09:05Bit mad.
09:06I'm going to read this.
09:07Not wasting any time.
09:08Right.
09:09Hello.
09:10Stevie?
09:11Yes.
09:12Did you get lost?
09:13I went to the wrong room.
09:15Let's go.
09:16Put your hands on the hands.
09:20Shut your eyes and keep them shut
09:22until you hear the whistle.
09:24Time to start now.
09:25Put your hands on the hands.
09:26Yes, please.
09:27Oh, I'm scared.
09:29OK.
09:34Are they shot?
09:35Yeah, they shot.
09:36Marvellous.
09:37I can't.
09:39Oi, don't make me look silly, innit?
09:42I wouldn't dream of it.
09:43Wow.
09:45Can I open my eyes now?
09:50Yes, if you've heard the whistle.
09:55Ah!
09:58What?
09:59What is it?
10:01Yeah, that's what I thought.
10:02Two jars of piss.
10:05You've got your glasses on again if you want.
10:08Son of a bitch.
10:10OK, you can read the next part of the task now.
10:11Are you taking a mick?
10:12How am I going to do that?
10:16Oh, I hate this.
10:18Pour all the vinegar into the fish tank.
10:22Fastest wins.
10:23For every millimetre spilled.
10:25One second will be added to your time.
10:27Your time starts when you heard the whistle.
10:29OK.
10:30Alex, where's the fish tank?
10:31Let me guess.
10:32It's underneath me?
10:34Is that a fish tank?
10:35Is this a fish tank?
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38APPLAUSE
10:43Good.
10:44Fatia said,
10:45Oi, don't make me look stupid, innit?
10:47And all I've written is,
10:49You have come to the wrong show, my friend.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:54She was furious from the moment we said,
10:56Shut your eyes.
10:57Oh, for goodness.
10:58Yeah.
10:59That's how I am, honestly.
11:00Once I went to the shop and they ran out of the chocolate I wanted
11:02and I called the police.
11:05You reported him because he hadn't kept up to speed with his chocolate supply.
11:08Yeah.
11:09Wow.
11:11Well, we begin with Fatia and Jason.
11:15And Matt.
11:17And Stevie.
11:19And that's it.
11:20Sorry, Rosie.
11:21Here we go.
11:26Laughing doesn't help.
11:29Oh, I can't...
11:33What happens if it's...
11:34It's going to take some time.
11:41And I haven't thought through what happens when I get to the edge.
11:47Your finger's been the wrong way.
11:48Which way up are they?
11:51That's amazing.
11:53Don't start!
11:55Don't start, Ralph.
11:56My assumption is I can...
11:58Whoa.
11:59Now what?
12:01Come on, you.
12:04Why are you laughing, bro?
12:07Okay.
12:21Right.
12:23Now we're cooking.
12:27Perfect.
12:28See you in a minute.
12:31We're going to follow you.
12:32Of course you're going to follow me.
12:35It's all science-y in here.
12:37This season's theme, science.
12:39Oh, God.
12:45It's probably in the shed.
12:47Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.
12:49Pour the vinegar in the fish tank.
12:51If I don't find it soon, I'm going to drink it!
12:53Okay.
12:54I'm either going to hate you or I'm going to hate myself.
12:56Okay.
12:57Well, I hope it's you in a way.
12:58This is a tank.
13:00No, it's not a tank.
13:01Well, that's a...
13:02It's a submarine.
13:03Hmm.
13:04All right.
13:05Have I lost my mind?
13:10Oh, you're taking the piss, bruv.
13:13What's this?
13:14What's it look like?
13:16You fucking assholes.
13:17Wait.
13:18Oh!
13:19Fish tank!
13:20Oh, fuck.
13:21I just spilled some.
13:22This is popping everywhere.
13:23Oh, okay.
13:24Okay.
13:25I don't like that.
13:26Son of a bitch.
13:28Oh, this is good.
13:29Okay.
13:30All the winning is in the fish tank?
13:31Yes.
13:32Yeah, it is.
13:33Oh, it's 12 o'clock.
13:34Done.
13:35Woo!
13:36That was exciting.
13:37Yeah, for you!
13:38You're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, innit?
13:39Have I gone past it and just not seen it?
13:40I genuinely don't know.
13:41I can't imagine so.
13:42You genuinely don't know.
13:43Oh, it's not a one that's one to shoot off.
13:44I don't like it.
13:45Yeah.
13:46Oh, okay.
13:47Oh.
13:48Oh, okay.
13:49I don't like that.
13:50Son of a bitch.
13:52Oh, this is good.
13:53All the winning is in the fish tank?
13:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:55I've told the clock.
13:56I don't know.
13:57Oh.
13:58It's 12 o'clock.
13:59Done.
14:00Whoo!
14:01That was exciting.
14:02Yeah, for you.
14:03You're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, innit?
14:04Don't know I can't imagine so you genuinely don't know bullshit
14:13He's doing laughs now
14:17I'm back in here
14:23Fuck off
14:27He's on the fish tank. Yeah down the fish tank. Do you remember? I said I'd either hate myself or you yeah
14:34It's you
14:44It seems that we have a very angry cohort already this year Matthew run around a garden
14:51When you were just running around the garden looking for a fish time
14:55And then when you did find it you were very angry yes, but what were you angry at the pun? Yeah
15:04I think that's what we all got
15:06I think you were fairly angry
15:08I mean it was irritating
15:10Stevie I was quite fascinated by you suddenly shouting if you didn't find the tank soon you were going to drink the liquid
15:16It's funny is in the early part you'd identified it as piss
15:21It's quite dehydrating the process and also as well and I just completely ignored the two jar lids
15:28It messes with your brain doesn't it? Yeah
15:30And this is the stuff that he loves
15:32He sits at home when going
15:34I can tell you that so far the person who's doing the best in the task is Stevie
15:42You did 7 minutes 42 and you didn't spill anything Matt didn't spill anything either took 12 minutes 3 seconds
15:47Looked worse than that but because of the lack of spillage you were fine Jason you were much quicker but your
15:51Milliliters or spill-a-liters you could call them spill-a-liters
15:54Let's not do that
15:56Let's not do that
15:57Tipped you over to 17 minutes 29 I'm so sorry
16:00Because I was penalised for spilling
16:02Penalised and Fatia you were
16:04Fatia 10 minutes 12 but we're not going to find out how Rosie's done until after the break
16:08Oh
16:09Oh that builds the tension
16:10It must be really shit
16:12Go on then off you pop
16:15I said it's break time go
16:30Welcome back to Trustmaster our first task is underway and the new contestants have been trying to pour all of their vinegar into a fish tank
16:36A fish tank which turned out to be a tank driven by a fish
16:40It's clever it's funny and it winds Greg up tick tick tick
16:44For every millilitre spilt one second will be added to their time Rosie has watched all of her rivals attempts
16:50And now she has to watch herself back knowing what's happened before her so good luck Rosie
17:03Mmm
17:05Well done
17:06Can I go in here?
17:07OK
17:08Fish tank
17:09How's it going Rosie?
17:10Erm
17:11It's
17:12No I haven't found anything yet
17:13This is a bath
17:14That's a good
17:15That's not a fish tank
17:16I don't think I've not seen a fish tank anywhere
17:18No
17:19I'm just looking for a fish tank
17:20Anything could be a fish tank really couldn't it?
17:21OK
17:22Is that a fish tank or a jar?
17:23It's a jar isn't it?
17:24Do you want me to stop the car Rosie?
17:25Yeah I'll stop the car
17:26OK bye
17:27OK bye
17:28Bye bye
17:29Bye bye
17:30I'm just looking for a fish tank
17:31I don't think I've not seen a fish tank anywhere
17:32I'm just looking for a fish tank
17:33Anything could be a fish tank really couldn't it?
17:34OK
17:35Is that a fish tank or a jar?
17:42It's a jar isn't it?
17:48Do you want me to stop the car Rosie?
17:50Yeah I'll stop the car
17:51OK bye
17:52OK bye
17:53Watch them fish
17:58I mean should I disqualify you or not?
18:00No
18:01What?
18:02It's not a fish tank
18:04Do you want to tell you the definition of a fish tank?
18:06I do want you to tell me
18:07Where it's a tank driven by a fish
18:11Or a transparent container of water in which live fish and other water creatures and plants are kept
18:16I thought outside the box
18:18She did think outside the box
18:20I did think outside the box
18:21Shall I tell you the times and you can decide what to do
18:23Stevie was the quickest with 7.42 then Fatia 10 minutes
18:26Matt 12 minutes
18:27Rosie was 15 and a half minutes
18:29OK
18:30Didn't spill a drop
18:31Jason because of his spillage was 17 minutes 29
18:34If it had been a normal fish tank then I would be penalising Rosie but because it was a stupid play on words I'm going to allow her fish tank
18:40Well done
18:41Yes
18:42OK
18:43So you're saying that Jason comes last
18:481 point
18:492 points to Rosie
18:503 to Matt
18:514 to Fatia
18:52But Stevie gets the full 5 points
18:53Very nice
18:54Let's have our first scoreboard please
18:59Joint leaders with 7 points are Matt and Stevie
19:03Lovely
19:04Thank you
19:08What's next my cylindrical little piglet
19:12Don't mind that
19:13Backwards and forwards thing Cooler doing involves task next this Greg
19:17Well
19:18Oh God
19:19You look very cool
19:33I know
19:34You look nice
19:37I look
19:38Cool
19:39Cool guy
19:42Thank you
19:44If you could use one word to describe me what would it be
19:47Ridiculous
19:49Oh
19:50Not what that's happening for
19:52Do something really cool
19:54You have a maximum of 10 minutes
19:57Your time starts now
20:02Is there a bed?
20:03Cool's sort of not caring
20:06Yeah I don't care
20:07Or is it actually cool to be passionate?
20:11Now super quick question can I get on the roof?
20:14I would say you definitely can't do that
20:16Really I can't go out into traffic
20:20No
20:21Can't get on the roof
20:23Can't go on the road
20:24You know what comedy thrives on yes and not no but
20:29It wasn't even no but it was you definitely can't
20:31Oh that's anti-cool
20:33Okay
20:35What cool things can you do?
20:37Let's think of cool things I can't do
20:39Right
20:40And then we try to find something that I can do
20:42What's cool?
20:44What is cool?
20:45Lemonade?
20:46Yeah lemonade is cool
20:49What do you do that's cool?
20:51Sometimes spit
20:52What? Yuck
20:56I'm going to go and get a guitar
20:59It's time horn
21:01It's time horn
21:03Yeah happy with that?
21:05Yeah see you later mate move
21:09Oh actually you're not saying Dan I'm so sorry
21:11It's actually rude rather than cool
21:13I know
21:15Sorry sorry sorry there is one more thing
21:20Great
21:21Do your cool thing backwards
21:23The cool thing backwards played backwards that looks most like the forwards cool thing played forwards wins
21:31You're 15 minutes your time starts now
21:36Well I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm looking forward to Matthew playing a song backwards
21:48Well we're going to start with Martin Stevie doing something cool backwards
21:54Backwards
21:55It's time horn
21:56Yes I'm joined
22:01Yes I'm joined
22:03Yes I'm joined
22:05So that was the footage reversed obviously so
22:19obviously oh was it yes Stevie I'm not one for platitudes it might be the
22:25single coolest thing I've ever seen I enjoyed the addition of the little man
22:29popping out of the bed no notes it will go downhill right well there's Matt
22:37playing guitar next I'm Matthew Bainton and this is cool
22:46don't let the bad kids get you down turn that big frown upside down you'd be a
22:55fool if you thought that not caring was cool
23:01yeah Matthew Bainton and this is cool
23:08do and let that but it's yes you going fine
23:22I mean I thought
23:52you were this generation's Morrissey before I even saw it reversed quite
23:58Eurovision in the 70s Eurovision it straddles the genres I mean if this is
24:04the last thing you achieve in your life you've done well thank you can I get a
24:10rewind you can because it's time for Rosie Ramsey can you give me a sick sick beat
24:16okay
24:17roar
24:31roar
24:34roar
24:36roar
24:38roar
24:41roar
24:42chant
24:43I've got kids.
25:08I felt like we were watching CCTV from a secure unit.
25:17Really bad.
25:22And now, as I always say, partway through Alex and my playful wrestling sessions,
25:26it's time for a break.
25:38Hello. Welcome back to the third part of the show,
25:41where our cool new contestants have to be cool
25:44and then do that cool thing backwards.
25:46Oh, yeah, this guy knows his shiz.
25:48Next up, and good luck guessing what's happening here, Greg,
25:51it's Fatia's attempt.
25:53So, is this in the...
25:56..my arms is here.
25:59Wish me, yeah, well, that's it, you know, I've said,
26:01we're running the...
26:02..yeah, we're sicky.
26:03Now, yeah.
26:05..we're going...
26:07..orga la...
26:10..orga la...
26:13..and then overall.
26:14..orga la...
26:16..and then over half...
26:18..orga la...
26:19..orga la...
26:21..orga la...
26:23..orga la...
26:26..orga la...
26:30TLE CLEARLY
26:32The fuck's going on?
26:33Do you want to see it going forward?
26:36Well, I need to, cos at the moment I just feel angry.
26:41OK, well, this is a cool thing she did forwards,
26:43then let's see if you understand it after that.
26:46If we get some sweets and then you eat one,
26:49and I can tell which one it is, by the way, you're chewing.
26:52For real, man, for real, I'm not even playing with you.
26:56Well, that's quite cool. I'm so good at that game.
26:58Yeah, let go.
27:03It's in.
27:07Right, start chewing it.
27:14Is it this?
27:18Is it this?
27:22Is it this?
27:24This is not going to plan.
27:26I only had seven goes, and I got it on the eighth.
27:36Wow. Placed?
27:37Yeah. If we were holding hands, I would have got it on the first one.
27:40Mm.
27:41APPLAUSE
27:47OK, Fatsy, what's going on here?
27:49Because that's not a known game.
27:51It is. Me and my friend play all the time, and I always win.
27:54Oh, play? Yeah.
27:56What? Present tense.
27:57Only with him, cos you have to have a connection.
27:59Do you know why it didn't work?
28:01Because Muppet Features over there had glasses on.
28:04Oh, so...
28:05It was Alex's one.
28:06It was.
28:07Why didn't you tell me to take the glasses off?
28:09Cos I thought...
28:11Shut up!
28:18Who buys the sweet soup?
28:20Any of us.
28:21If he doesn't bring them, do you call the police on him?
28:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
28:30OK, one left to see, Greg.
28:32Yeah.
28:33It's Jason Mandzuka.
28:43Locked door!
28:48Locked door.
28:50Lock pick set.
28:53Locked door.
28:54Locked door.
29:00You've got 30 seconds.
29:03BUZZER
29:06BItEB
29:09BOOF...
29:11BOOF...
29:13MUSIC
29:15Cool!
29:17Luke!
29:19Huh?
29:23Pretty cool, right?
29:27It was pretty cool.
29:29Yeah.
29:31I mean, what am I?
29:33Magnus?
29:35Yeah.
29:37I mean, what am I?
29:39Magnus?
29:41Yeah.
29:43Where's that come from?
29:45My bag.
29:47Undeniably impressive.
29:49I've been sidetracked, though, by when you were asked
29:51where you got the lock-picking set.
29:53Yes.
29:55You replied, from my bag.
29:57Correct.
29:59OK.
30:01Who are you?
30:03Well, you might have also heard me say, who am I?
30:05Magnum P.I.?
30:07Because that is where I learned those skills.
30:09And I became obsessed with picking locks.
30:11So you went...
30:13So I bought a lock-pick set.
30:15OK.
30:16And you can also buy practice locks that you can practice.
30:18OK.
30:19Don't use this tone, I'm the fool, here.
30:21Listen up, dummy!
30:23Yes, and if you're wondering, the lock-pick set
30:25is in my dressing room right now.
30:27Who do you let on this show, bruv?
30:29Says fucking guess the sweets.
30:31Well, who's only going to get one point, then?
30:35Well, Fathia.
30:36Correct.
30:37One?
30:38I feel like I've dissed Rosie really badly,
30:40but it's probably the least accurate.
30:41Two points for Rosie.
30:43Oh, God, everybody else is pretty good.
30:45Maybe Jason gets three?
30:47I'm going to make a rogue decision and say that
30:49because I think that he moved the hearts of the nation
30:51with his beautiful eyes,
30:53I think he moved the hearts of the nation
30:55with his beautiful eyes,
30:57and he moved the hearts of the nation
30:59with his beautiful son.
31:00LAUGHTER
31:01Matthew, the five points.
31:02There we go.
31:03Four to three to five for Matthew.
31:05Incredible.
31:06Sharing is cool.
31:09I'd like another task, please, little Alex Head.
31:11OK, yes, and roll up, roll up.
31:14No, I don't mean reefers, Greg.
31:16I mean it's time for the greatest sporting event of all time.
31:27MUSIC PLAYS
31:28MUSIC PLAYS
31:29MUSIC PLAYS
31:30MUSIC PLAYS
31:31MUSIC PLAYS
31:32MUSIC PLAYS
31:33MUSIC PLAYS
31:34MUSIC PLAYS
31:35MUSIC PLAYS
31:36MUSIC PLAYS
31:37MUSIC PLAYS
31:38MUSIC PLAYS
31:39MUSIC PLAYS
31:40MUSIC PLAYS
31:41What do you mean?
31:42Just being for a little hike round the forest, clearly.
31:45Hmm.
31:46Should we do it?
31:48By we, I mean me,
31:50and you just...
31:52stand around.
31:55Win the Peely-lympics.
31:57Win the Peely-impics.
32:00Peely-impics.
32:02Well, P-E-A-L-Y, Peely.
32:06M-P-I-C-S.
32:08Peely-impics.
32:09Peely-impics.
32:10Peely-impics.
32:11There are five events.
32:12The top two performers in each event get a medal.
32:15Most medals wins.
32:18Mm-hm.
32:19So it doesn't matter if you come first or second,
32:21as long as you come first or second.
32:22All right.
32:23Yeah?
32:24Yeah.
32:25Ready for the Peely-lympics?
32:26I...
32:27Do I have a choice?
32:28LAUGHTER
32:29Yeah, exactly.
32:30APPLAUSE
32:32OK.
32:35Straight in.
32:36Straight in.
32:37Well, first up, it is Fatia and Mattia.
32:41Five events.
32:42This is event number one.
32:44Work out which pillow the pea is under.
32:48In the fewest guesses, you have three minutes.
32:51Well, it could be any of them, couldn't it?
32:53Could be.
32:54I think it's that yellow one.
32:55Right.
32:56Chop, chop.
32:57Not under there.
32:58The green one next to it, please.
32:59Right.
33:00No.
33:01The order of colours changes around here.
33:03Oh, that's interesting.
33:04Is that arbitrary?
33:05Either is or isn't.
33:06How many are there?
33:0726.
33:08Nice number.
33:09Whatever.
33:10I don't feel like it makes a difference.
33:1120 seconds to find the pea.
33:13That green one over there.
33:14Uh, no.
33:15Two seconds.
33:16Nice.
33:17Nice sound of the pea.
33:18Well, that was a waste of time.
33:19Yep, I agree.
33:20Ready for the second event?
33:21Wow.
33:22I don't mind going back to your spot.
33:23If you don't mind, I'd like to just dwell on the regret.
33:24Yeah.
33:25No, that's fine.
33:26Balance your pea on the highest tower of carrots.
33:27You have three minutes.
33:28I don't have the pea.
33:29Can I get you the pea?
33:30Here we go.
33:31Oh, you're out of order.
33:32I'm taking a reminder, yeah?
33:33I think it counts, doesn't it?
33:3412 seconds left.
33:3512 seconds left.
33:37Oh, yeah.
33:38Oh, yeah.
33:39Oh, yeah.
33:40Oh, yeah.
33:41Oh, yeah.
33:42Oh, yeah.
33:43Oh, yeah.
33:44Oh, yeah.
33:45Oh, yeah.
33:46Oh, yeah.
33:47Oh, yeah.
33:48Oh, yeah.
33:49Oh, yeah.
33:50Oh, yeah.
33:51Oh, yeah.
33:52Oh, yeah.
33:53Oh, yeah.
33:54Oh, yeah.
33:55Next slide and come on.
33:58Not long now.
33:59Two seconds, really.
34:02Fuck off!
34:03No!
34:04Event number two is over.
34:09Lovely tower.
34:12No pea.
34:13Right.
34:14Event number three.
34:15OK.
34:16Catch a pea fired from the pea catapult.
34:18If you catch a pea in one hand, your time is divided by two.
34:23catch your pee in your mouth your time is divided by five good luck Matthew here
34:29they come literally can't see it couldn't see it quick I can't even see it
34:38I can't see it can you do more than one do it again why couldn't you get like the big bees the haricot or whatever they're called why you get these
35:08who's catching these I'm not a bird oh if it gets in my hijab does that count yeah I can't I've got loads
35:15this is the last one please is there a pee in your hand that's the end of event number three throw a pee the
35:34furthest towards the river please so into the wind yeah I know you're deranged right so I know I'm
35:47gonna throw this and then you can make me go and get it no few practices are you gonna actually throw the
35:58yeah I'm going to throw the real one now 10 seconds
36:01find your throne pee the fastest love a maximum of three minutes time stuff see when you open the top
36:17be careful why did I do practices there's my pee can you see it that was my one find your pee yeah I did
36:24is that it yeah that's it you got two minutes 10
36:28you're gonna be finding peas not carrots
36:33I've got the top yeah
36:40thank you we don't even one full episode into this series right I think you might be close to the edge
36:51it's not even close to my lowest day I remember that fondly if anything
36:58fabulous fatia I'm sure you find this show an inconvenience how dare you I call fucking five
37:07peas brother you mad yes well so that's the end of part three who will win the episode and then
37:16have to drag home a TV trolley not me and that's all that matters
37:20welcome back to the final part of this first outing with our new competitors before the break
37:35they've been taking part in our very own pee based Olympics oh yes the old Peely Impics five events
37:43just three legume legends to go so last up to the mark it's Rosie Stevie and Chase work out which
37:50pillow the pee is under you may not tamper with a pillow before guessing so it's just guess maybe I'm
37:57gonna guess this one no no no no do you know where the pee is no no no the peas don't talk
38:06don't think peas can talk no they're vegetables I'm just gonna guess this guy and this guy I'm gonna
38:12guess this guy there's no way it has to be guessed oh really so I'm just gonna do them all are they
38:19look this guy this guy there it is I like your system yeah I just chose different guys to uh to flip
38:27that one
38:33there's two peas under there but weirdly you put a pea under the right pillow
38:38oh no it was clever but unnecessary yeah and I was a tampered with it so I've lost okay cool
38:43Jesus Christ
38:45balance your pea on the highest tower of carrots I'm not good at building stuff you know right
38:53I wouldn't have said that a carrot was a rolly veg but yeah all right
38:57have you washed these carrots we will
39:0912 seconds that's as good as I'm gonna get I think 10 seconds
39:28I mean this is irrelevant that's a lovely tower will you do any better in event number three
39:47catch a pea fired from the pea catapult if you catch a pea in your mouth your time is divided by five
39:55good luck okay go how can you do one test please
40:02okay what about if you fire it right into my face 55 seconds
40:25you catch one no yes go pay here we go congratulations
40:37draw a pea the furthest now I'll be honest I'm gonna tuck this in there nobody's ever gonna find
40:47the pea is inside the pea has been thrown
40:57I think it got down to here did it
41:07have you found the pea yet no
41:12oh
41:14oh
41:16got it I've stopped the clock I will need to check the peas in it
41:19any sign of the pea
41:2220 seconds worth hurrying up
41:26okay I'll try another bit
41:28you found the pea
41:30I found the pea
41:31come on
41:33if I'd have got that carrot tower
41:36it was it all rested on that carrot tower
41:41ah
41:43oh
41:47oh
41:48that's the most joyous moment so far
41:56Well, that's the most joyous moment so far.
41:59Unbelievably, she found a pea in a field
42:02quicker than these two found carrots in a field.
42:07Well, you found loads of other carrots before your one.
42:09You took over two minutes. She found hers in a minute and a half.
42:12Now, on to the tragic story of this particular pea-limp.
42:17But there was a victory within your attempt, wasn't there?
42:19I mean, no-one's made a better carrot tower than that ever.
42:22I then lost because the pea rolled off.
42:24Yes.
42:25No, I know. I mean, it's all for nothing.
42:27It's all right, yeah.
42:29Well, the medal ceremony will happen on the screen behind me
42:31and I can tell you that, Stevie, as you can see,
42:33you did get one medal for your catch in your mouth.
42:35Matt, you also got one medal, so you come joint fourth.
42:37You get two points.
42:38Fatia, you got two golds in your tower and your find.
42:41You are third.
42:42Two people in first place.
42:43Jason, with your two golds and your silver.
42:45Rosie, you got one gold and two silvers,
42:47so you both get five points.
42:49Well done.
42:52So we're going to look at the scores.
42:54Yes.
42:55Fatia, you are in last place with nine points.
42:58Jason and Matt in the lead on 14.
43:00APPLAUSE
43:05Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
43:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:16Hello there, sweet cheeks.
43:17Hi, Greg.
43:18Who will be meeting the task?
43:19I would like Rosie Ramsay to read it, please.
43:22Rosie.
43:23Pleasure.
43:25Get the most raisins in your wine glass.
43:28You may only touch raisins with your mouth.
43:32You must not bend at the waist and your hands must be behind your back at all times.
43:37Also, every time you drop a raisin into your wine glass, you must shout the name of one of your competitors.
43:44That competitor must immediately shout their name too.
43:47If they don't, Alex will empty their wine glass.
43:51Oof.
43:52You have 100 seconds.
43:54Wow.
43:55So, Greg is going to be watching the waist work.
43:58Greg, if you think someone's bending, I'll come over.
44:00Oh, my God, I'll be on them like a puma.
44:02Yes.
44:03LAUGHTER
44:04But also, I will empty their wine glass.
44:05OK.
44:06Good luck, everyone.
44:07Your time starts on the whistle.
44:10Don't bend that waist.
44:18You must shout someone's name if you...
44:20Jason!
44:22Jason!
44:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:25Rosie.
44:26Rosie.
44:27Rosie.
44:28No, no, no!
44:29Get up!
44:30Matthew!
44:31You must shout your own name.
44:32Oh, fuck!
44:33Rosie!
44:34Georgie!
44:35Rosie!
44:36Rosie!
44:37Rosie!
44:38Rosie!
44:39Rosie!
44:40Rosie!
44:41Rosie!
44:42Rosie!
44:43Rosie!
44:44Rosie!
44:47Rosie!
44:48Rosie!
44:49Rosie!
44:50Rosie!
44:51Rosie!
44:52Rosie!
44:53Rosie!
44:54Matthew!
44:55Fatia!
44:56Fatia!
44:57Fatia!
44:58Fatia!
44:59Fatia!
45:00Fatia!
45:01Well, I would have to.
45:02Rosie!
45:03Rosie!
45:04Matthew!
45:0530 seconds left.
45:10Stevie!
45:11Stevie!
45:12Rosie!
45:13Rosie!
45:14Jason!
45:15Jason!
45:16Matthew!
45:17Jason!
45:18Fatia!
45:19Fatia!
45:20Rosie!
45:21Rosie!
45:22Rosie!
45:23Rosie!
45:24Rosie!
45:25Rosie!
45:26Rosie!
45:27Rosie!
45:28Rosie!
45:29Rosie!
45:30Rosie!
45:31Stop!
45:32Stop!
45:33Oh!
45:34Oh!
45:35Oh!
45:36Oh!
45:37Oh!
45:38Listen, we'll work the scores out, we'll add them to your final scores.
45:43Please come down and join me!
45:45Yay!
45:46APPLAUSE
45:52Well, well, well, that was...
45:55Insane!
45:56I guess we start with Fatia.
45:58You didn't get any raisins in your glass in the end.
46:00And there's a very good reason for that, isn't there, Fatia?
46:02Yeah.
46:03My shoes in you, I'm not getting on the floor, right?
46:05LAUGHTER
46:06She gets one point, Ridley, which is more than the amount of raisins she got in the class.
46:11So it's one to Fatia.
46:12Jason ended up with just three raisins in his glass.
46:16Two points to Jason.
46:17Incredibly, Stevie and Rosie both got 70 raisins in their glass.
46:21Oh, my God!
46:22So they share second place and four points each,
46:24but Matthew, with 315 raisins, gets five points!
46:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:32So, I'll put the episode scores.
46:34In first place, it's Matt with 19 points!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:39Matthew wins!
46:40Please sail up to the stage and snap up your school day star!
46:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:57MUSIC
47:00AND APPLAUSE
47:05MUSIC
47:10ALSO
47:12MUSIC