Taskmaster S18E03
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TVTranscription
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05:01que vous avez à l'intérieur ?
05:02J'ai pris un de mes petits couteaux préférés
05:06que j'ai utilisé...
05:08J'ai adoré, j'en ai utilisé pendant plusieurs années
05:11et...
05:12Merci !
05:14J'ai acheté celui-ci en 2012
05:16et j'ai l'utilisé jusqu'en 2022 ou quelque chose comme ça.
05:20Voici-le !
05:24Jésus Christ, Jack !
05:27Il avait ce couleur à la fin.
05:29Quand on t'a dit, Jack, de la compétition,
05:31tu lui as dit que c'était pour un bon prix,
05:34pas juste pour l'enlever de son garage.
05:38M. Jones, qu'est-ce que vous avez à l'intérieur
05:40que vous considérez approprié pour faire l'émission ?
05:42C'est un livre-ouverture.
05:47J'ai récemment commencé à vivre seul
05:54et je l'adore.
05:57Je suis tout le temps naquée.
06:02Cela signifie que j'ai beaucoup de nourriture sur mon corps.
06:13Et j'ai récemment découvert
06:18qu'il y avait un odeur qui venait de ma bouche.
06:29Donc les doigts ne l'entendent pas.
06:36C'est horrible !
06:41Je peux m'en aller vraiment profond.
06:46Et j'ai récemment
06:50découvert que j'avais un petit peu de bambouli.
06:56Non, non, non !
07:00C'est très profond.
07:02C'est ma chanson préférée de BG.
07:10Qui a trouvé le pire ?
07:12C'est Barbara Aranda, n'est-ce pas ?
07:14C'est ça.
07:15On va donner un point à Zaltzmann et ses horribles doigts.
07:18Un point à Barbara.
07:20C'est incroyable d'obtenir trois points.
07:22C'est un homme qui a légèrement touché un ancien couteau.
07:28C'est une image terrible.
07:30On donne cinq points à Rosie Jones.
07:36C'est un très bon début.
07:38C'est parti pour la première étape.
07:40C'est parti.
07:41Pousse ta bouche douce.
08:00Allé.
08:06Je vais me mettre ici.
08:07Oui, juste devant Greg.
08:09Regarde ce qu'il est en train de faire.
08:15C'est comme Greg.
08:16Très sérieux.
08:17Rires plus fort.
08:18Je ne vais pas te mentir, frère.
08:25Ne dites pas de cette maison.
08:39Rires
08:55Rires
09:04Oh !
09:05Rires
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09:17Oh !
09:26Rires
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09:56Oh !
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10:44Rires
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11:07Rires
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11:22Oh !
11:23Non !
11:24C'est bon, essayons encore.
11:27Rires
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11:56Applaudissements
12:09Rires
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12:18Wait, OK.
12:20Seal.
12:21You haven't quite finished the task.
12:31Ah, not that seal.
12:35No, not that seal.
12:38Not that seal.
12:39Not that seal.
12:39You're a sneaky little bastard, aren't you?
12:48Oh!
12:59Quiet!
13:01I've stopped the clock.
13:02That's it?
13:03That's it.
13:07Yeah.
13:19Baba, the seal misdirection,
13:23it's the sort of thing this little nerd loves to do.
13:26How does it make you feel as a contestant?
13:28At the time, I was just like,
13:29who's coming up with this nonsense?
13:31You know what I'm saying?
13:32Yeah, yeah.
13:33Yeah, I messed up.
13:34You've come to the right show to mess up.
13:36Rosie, I missed what you said your Achilles heel was.
13:39Is it not laughing like a town crier or something?
13:49Because when I don't smile,
13:52people think I'm dead.
14:00Right, that's the end of part one.
14:02See you soon.
16:34This is me being patient.
16:36Yeah, maybe this is how you should have done the first one, Jack.
16:39Quick.
16:46Well...
16:48I mean, first things first, let's start with the positives.
16:51Emma. Sure. Pretty efficient.
16:53Well, yeah, I would argue boringly efficient.
16:56You looked under a seat. There was a bit of fun there.
16:58Thank you, I really appreciate that.
16:59And I'll tell you something else. Yeah?
17:02Right.
17:05I didn't mean it to be bawdy.
17:06I more meant, like, you know, we're all in this together.
17:09I didn't mean sexually bawdy, I just mean fun bawdy.
17:13Right.
17:14What went wrong, Jack?
17:16Well, OK, full disclosure,
17:19within a couple of minutes, I could see what was going on here.
17:22I thought, oh, dear, they've come up with a duff task.
17:25Oh, yeah?
17:26And to get some mileage out of it,
17:28I'm going to have to find some stuff here.
17:32I should probably cross out what I wrote then.
17:34What did you write?
17:35Well, I say this as a man of a similar vintage, but I wrote,
17:38this all feels a bit grandad's not settled into his home yet.
17:46Emma said the word quick after 3 minutes 58.
17:48Jack said the word quick after 41 seconds and 30 minutes.
17:52Just over half an hour.
17:55APPLAUDISSEMENTS
17:58I want to show you one more little extra bit of Jack.
18:01Yes, do, yeah.
18:02This tickled me. This is Jack earlier on in the task.
18:06It's not my fault, this is probably quite boring to watch.
18:10Oh, it's not boring. OK.
18:13It's the first word beginning with Q that anyone said.
18:16He said it after 3 minutes 32 seconds,
18:18so a bit quicker than Emma in the end.
18:20Oh!
18:21It's cruel.
18:24Even I say that's unfair, but I'll take it.
18:31Sometimes the game can be cruel, Emma. Yeah.
18:37So, Baba was the slowest in the end.
18:3917 minutes 59, 1 point.
18:41Baba.
18:42Then Rosie gets 2 points and he was the third slowest, 3 points.
18:45Emma gets 4 points, but Jack D wins the task and 5 points.
18:48APPLAUSE
18:51I'd love to see a scoreboard, please.
18:53All right, well, there are joint leaders at this stage.
18:56It is Jack and Emma on 8 points.
18:58Here they are.
18:59APPLAUSE
19:02Another one, please.
19:04Yes, and we're off to a theme park.
19:07MUSIC
19:22LAUGHTER
19:36LAUGHTER
19:52APPLAUSE
19:55Let's have a look, then.
19:56All right, we're going to begin with one man.
19:58He's dressed as a sportsman, but can he sportsman?
20:01It's Andy Zaltzman.
20:03LAUGHTER
20:05Exactly 100 cans.
20:07OK.
20:08It's Andy Zaltzman.
20:10He's dressed as a sportsman, but can he sportsman?
20:13It's Andy Zaltzman.
20:15LAUGHTER
20:17Exactly 100 cans.
20:19How many cans are there?
20:21I reckon there's 200 cans. 200 cans, right.
20:23If I do that... OK.
20:33I think that's 70 cans down.
20:36This is your sport.
20:38Pressure is on here.
20:40OK.
20:45Right, I was hoping to get all them down in one go.
20:49BUZZER
20:51I'd say that was unlucky.
20:53BUZZER
20:59Oh, damn!
21:01What if I throw a tin?
21:07BUZZER
21:09We've opened it.
21:11Right, I'm running out of balls.
21:13I'm running out of tins.
21:15BUZZER
21:18BUZZER
21:22Oh, God!
21:29LAUGHTER
21:31I was doing very well there.
21:33I very nearly stopped.
21:35That's the most disappointed I've been in a long time.
21:42APPLAUSE
21:48And then, well, what I think is the Zaltzman equivalent
21:51of anarchy happened. Yeah.
21:53That being, you angrily throw your yoga ball to the left.
21:56LAUGHTER
21:58What else do you do with yoga balls?
22:00I've never really seen what they're for,
22:02apart from hurling in a fit of rage.
22:06There's some good news. You miscounted at the beginning.
22:08You thought there were 200 cans there.
22:10There were actually 160 cans there. Oh, right.
22:13You knocked over 104 cans.
22:15Oh!
22:17APPLAUSE
22:19That brings me no joy,
22:20because I'm supposed to be good with numbers and that's...
22:23Yeah.
22:24Well, there's no pleasing some people.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:28Good start. Who's next?
22:29Now it's time for some classic R&B.
22:31Rosie and Baba.
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25:21Welcome back to Taskmaster!
25:23APPLAUSE
25:25MUSIC
25:27APPLAUSE
25:29MUSIC
25:31APPLAUSE
25:33MUSIC
25:35APPLAUSE
25:37Oh, hello!
25:39You join us for the third part of the show
25:41and some more throwing at the theme park.
25:43Yes, these adults are trying to knock some cans over with some balls.
25:47And finally, uh-oh,
25:50OK, so how many cans are there?
25:56So that's going to be...
25:58Yeah.
26:00I can't be bothered!
26:0340...
26:0540...
26:11There's 160 there.
26:17Are you just getting rid of the balls?
26:19So I'm going to try and just get...
26:23OK, I don't... OK.
26:32My dad played rugby for England.
26:48Oh, God, what a shame, what a shame!
26:52This one's pointless, but we'll try anyway.
26:54Bang!
26:56Bang! Bang!
27:03How do you summon skills that you don't have?
27:06It's actually so difficult.
27:18So...
27:20Oh...
27:22That's a disappointment.
27:24Yeah.
27:25I might be able to use this.
27:27If I can hook them over...
27:29And then...
27:31All right.
27:40OK.
27:43I know this is going to miss!
27:53What I've written down is the juxtaposition
27:56of the sentence, my dad played rugby for England,
28:00and the throws that we witnessed following that sentence.
28:04Sounds melodramatic.
28:06I think it might destroy your family.
28:08Is it too early in the series to say,
28:10I don't have cerebral palsy?
28:16But she did knock over more than Bubba,
28:18she knocked over 36.
28:20Which is good.
28:21Jack.
28:22You've made a career out of not looking very happy.
28:25I've got a theory that, secretly, you were loving that.
28:27I found it cathartic, I suppose.
28:29I wouldn't say it was...
28:31I wouldn't say it was...
28:33I wouldn't say it was...
28:35I wouldn't say it was...
28:38I would do that again, actually. I wouldn't mind.
28:40How many cans got knocked out? At least they bothered to count.
28:43Yes. Well, I can tell you, we know Bubba was 32,
28:46Emma, 36, Rosie, 47,
28:48Jack, 68.
28:50So, approaching 100.
28:52Obviously, I only won 104, so...
28:57I do want to show you one extra replay, though. Do you mind?
28:59Yeah. OK, here we go.
29:08Oh!
29:11Nice pop of the leg, though.
29:13Lovely pop of the leg.
29:15That means that Andy doesn't get any points.
29:17Oh!
29:18Bubba goes up to two points, three to Emma, four to Rosie,
29:21and Jack wins a task and five points.
29:27OK, little Alex Horne, play me another task.
29:30Just for you, some stunning, soapy spheres.
29:33Ooh!
29:37Oh!
29:47Oh, hi, Jack.
29:49Hi. You all right? Yes.
29:51Pop into the bubble.
29:55Yeah, it's in there.
29:59Hey!
30:08That didn't work.
30:13Oh, man!
30:23Right.
30:27You have 20 minutes.
30:29Your time starts when you haven't said a word,
30:31beginning with B, for five seconds.
30:34I want to buy time. I've got to keep babbling on, babbler-sleep.
30:38Your time's started now, Jack.
30:40Your time has now started.
30:42Your time has started.
30:44I've had to say a word like that in the task?
30:46Emma, your time has started. It's started now?
30:48Yes, because you didn't say a word beginning with B for five seconds.
30:53Not into that.
30:55I managed to get some soap and make some bubbles.
30:58Come on.
31:00Can I get naked?
31:04Oh, that is beautiful.
31:11Baba, you announced that you were going to make bubbles
31:14in this, the bubble task, as if you'd had a great idea.
31:19You even said, come on!
31:21Yeah, man, obviously, you've got to get some soap.
31:24I do it for the children.
31:26Like, if I don't buy, like, bubble solution water,
31:28like, you know the one that you can just buy,
31:30I'll do it by myself.
31:31You play on your own with bubbles?
31:33No, for my children.
31:34Oh, you said you do it on your own sometimes.
31:36No, I make the bubbles.
31:38You've got to make the bubble solution,
31:40and I put it in the machine.
31:41I know how to make bubbles, Baba.
31:43Then listen to what I've listed to you.
31:45You clearly ain't.
31:46I just want to establish whether you play with bubbles on your own.
31:49No, I don't play with bubbles on my own, bro.
31:51What a chameleon.
31:57OK, the first two we're going to see
32:00are Jack D and Bubble Tunday.
32:02Here we go.
32:04Are you into any particular types of bubbles, Jack?
32:07Well, champagne, I like.
32:08I'd like a bit of champagne.
32:09We've got champagne.
32:10Where?
32:12Where's the champagne?
32:15Right, I'm going to draw my daughter.
32:17She's two months, and she's so beautiful.
32:19Bring it to me.
32:20Do you want me to bring you champagne?
32:22Yeah, and some glasses.
32:23This is her arms.
32:25We'll do, like, legs.
32:27Oh, she is beautiful.
32:29This is vegan, non-alcoholic.
32:32Yeah.
32:33Is there any other way you can take fun out of champagne?
32:38We've got real chocolate.
32:40Get yourself some penguin.
32:42Who wants dark chocolate?
32:43Like, come on, man, I'm not a psychopath.
32:45You know what I'm saying?
32:46I'd like you, Alex, to pass this around to the crew
32:48so that they all have some.
32:50What a beautiful thing, Jack.
32:51Yeah, I think... Thank you, you've said it.
32:53Let's get some flowers.
32:56I mean...
32:58Should we keep one for Greg?
33:00That's a good idea. Which one do you think you'd want?
33:02Probably have a pint with me.
33:04Ready for this, my guy?
33:05I'm ready.
33:09It's man-made. It's man-made.
33:14To everyone, thank you for having me here
33:17and looking after me so nicely.
33:20Thank you for...
33:23Enjoy this drink with me and I wish you peace and happiness and...
33:30What's wrong with him?
33:40Peace and happiness and I hope all your dreams come true.
33:43What a beautiful toast.
33:44Thank you.
33:50You like that, bro?
33:51Yeah.
33:53Bringing joy to your heart.
34:03Jack, how lovely that you involved the crew.
34:06I mean that.
34:07We don't...
34:08You know, they work very hard on this show.
34:10I know, and they never get anything, as they were saying to me earlier.
34:13No, they don't.
34:14You know why?
34:15Why?
34:16Because Alex...
34:17Do you know what he calls them behind their back?
34:19The faceless facilitators of his duties.
34:25It was nice to see them briefly happy
34:27and when I left, they just said,
34:28Jack, thank you.
34:37Baba, pleased with your attempt?
34:38I'm going to own it.
34:39Yes, I was.
34:40I was pleased with it because, you know,
34:42honouring my new baby girl and...
34:44Yes.
34:45That was genuinely sweet, I thought.
34:47Can we have a look at the painting of his daughter?
34:50His beautiful 11-week-old daughter?
34:52Here she is.
34:55I think I'll rip this up afterwards
34:57because I'm ashamed.
34:58I can actually draw.
34:59You can actually draw?
35:00I can actually draw.
35:01I'm a good drawer.
35:02Well, you didn't.
35:03You didn't do art at school.
35:04All right, bro.
35:09Just so you know,
35:10he said the word bang every time he drew a thing.
35:12He also said that his sperm and genes and DNA were elite.
35:17You should see my son and daughter.
35:18I'm telling you, man, they're gorgeous.
35:20When my daughter was born, the whole hospital,
35:22they were like, oh, my days!
35:23She's so gorgeous.
35:24Even the really ill people.
35:28Well, it's time for Mr Steps-Off-the-Spot himself.
35:30It's Andy's off.
35:32And action!
35:37Beauty and the bubble.
35:41I am bubble.
35:43Am I beautiful?
35:45Tell me.
35:47What is beauty?
35:50I have dreams of what a sphere can become.
35:54But I know change, changes, change.
35:57And the world becomes new again.
36:00We create.
36:01We destroy.
36:02We are destroyed.
36:04We were created.
36:06Life isn't so unexpected.
36:10Try the orange.
36:12For I know, as a bubble,
36:14things never stay the same.
36:17Things never change.
36:19We are all bubbles.
36:21Bubbles doomed to die.
36:24But our beauty lives forever.
36:27Work the camera, for fuck's sake!
36:30For man,
36:31for woman,
36:33for the tastemaster
36:34and his little friend,
36:36Alex Earn.
36:48I don't actually have anything negative to say about it.
36:51We are all bubbles waiting to burst.
36:54It's an exploration of the sort of fragility
36:57that this show too often shies away from.
36:59Andy, I thought it was excellent.
37:00Thank you.
37:01Time for the final break of the night.
37:03Who will not only win the episode,
37:05but also take home a lung
37:07and Jack D's ranted old toothbrush?
37:09What an adrenaline rush!
37:10I feel like I'm tripping in Woodstock, man!
37:13See you soon.
37:47Rosie.
38:17I am here to grant your three wishes.
38:25But don't tell me them,
38:29cos I know them already.
38:39Oh, Greg.
38:42What are you doing tonight?
38:44Bubble bath, maybe?
38:48I think that you want more bubble bath.
38:57You like bubblegum.
39:03Eat the bubblegum.
39:06Eat it.
39:07I can't really do bubblegum.
39:08Eat it.
39:09How much?
39:10More.
39:11More.
39:13More.
39:14More.
39:23And I know you want the bubblegum dance.
39:30Bubblegum fairy!
39:34Bubblegum fairy!
39:44I can't blow bubblegum.
39:45It's too much.
39:46Blow.
39:48Blow.
39:50Blow.
39:53Oh!
39:55And now I leave
39:58one drop.
40:07OK.
40:09I think what we have to...
40:11What the three of us have to talk about
40:13is your understanding of the word beautiful, probably.
40:21Do you?
40:31Than the bubblegum fairy?
40:34What about the most beautiful woman alive?
40:39Fine.
40:40Well, I'm not going to comment on your personal beauty,
40:42cos I'm looking only at the character.
40:44And...
40:46Personally...
40:49I found the bubblegum fairy to be quite irritating.
40:55Anna, let's talk about your beauty.
40:57Yes.
40:58When you started erotically eating the chocolate,
41:02I think you just looked hammered.
41:07And I...
41:09I'm very flattered to be offered a bath with a lady,
41:12but I would prefer it if she hadn't been out for 12 pints of beer.
41:16I think beauty's in the eye of the beholder.
41:18Yes, and I'm the beholder.
41:20Totally fine.
41:21That I do expect.
41:24What? Emma or the bubblegum fairy?
41:27Well, Emma.
41:30A hundred times over.
41:33Sorry, bitch. Sorry.
41:41Go on, anyway.
41:42Who do you think's going to get one point?
41:44I'll give you a clue!
41:48One point to Rosie, well done.
41:51One point to Rosie, well done.
41:53Yeah, good.
41:54I mean, if the chocolate-gobbling woman of nondescript nationality
41:58hadn't been so drunk, she might have got more than two points.
42:01Two to Emma, got it.
42:03I think the sentiment of sharing bubbles
42:06with a largely ignored and often much derided crew than with him
42:12is quite beautiful and deserves three points.
42:14Three points for Jack. Got it.
42:16I'm going to give Baba's beautiful daughter four points.
42:18Got it.
42:19We must recognise artistic genius when we see it
42:21and Andy gets five points.
42:22OK, well done, Andy. Five points.
42:24OK, then.
42:25Everyone, please make your way to the stage
42:27for your first final task of the show!
42:38Who's reading the task out?
42:39Emma is going to read the task.
42:41Is she?
42:42I hope you'll include a wink in this read.
42:45Excuse me?
42:50Drink the vinegar.
42:53On your turn, you can either drink from one straw or not drink at all
42:58and get a clue from Alex instead.
43:00You must stand on the spot when choosing your straw
43:03and you must never stray from the spot.
43:05OK.
43:07Only the vinegar drinker wins.
43:10There's five points at stake here, no-one else will get any points at all.
43:13Wow!
43:14They can choose to either tell me which number they're going to drink from
43:17and then drink from it.
43:18Yep.
43:19Or they can get a clue from me.
43:20The clue refers to the numbers in front of the straws.
43:24Up you come, Rosie.
43:29So, Rosie, would you like to drink or get a clue?
43:35OK, which number are you going to drink from?
43:37Ten.
43:38Off you go.
43:39Oh!
43:42This is a gift waiting to happen.
43:48Oh!
43:55Have you drunk vinegar?
43:57No.
43:59I like it.
44:01OK.
44:02A bit fishy.
44:04Yes, it is a bit fishy.
44:05It's tomato juice.
44:07OK, Jack, would you like a clue or a drink?
44:09Let's try a clue.
44:11OK.
44:18You're such a weird man.
44:22You must now return to your spot.
44:23Oh, I see.
44:24Oh, a clue for me.
44:25Sam, I get it.
44:27Clue, clue.
44:28Clue as well?
44:29Yeah, yeah.
44:37Clue or drink, brother?
44:38I'm going for a drink.
44:39Here we go.
44:40What number are you going to choose?
44:41Sixteen.
44:42Sixteen?
44:43Wow, confident.
44:44I'm not...
44:45Do it.
44:46I don't like this, man.
44:48Do you not like a lovely vinegar drink?
44:53Is it vinegar?
44:54No, that ain't vinegar, but...
44:56I don't know.
44:57That's all right.
44:58It's iced tea.
44:59It's iced tea, OK!
45:03He's not...
45:05I appreciate that.
45:09Clue or suck?
45:13Clue, please, Alex.
45:14Clue, here it comes.
45:15I'm nearly there, here I am.
45:18It's a lot of this, isn't it?
45:21Let me seductively get it out of the way for you.
45:30OK.
45:34I'm going to suck,
45:37but I'm also going to try and get your clue.
45:43Cool.
45:44I think it's a prime number.
45:48I do like them.
45:52So I'm going to go for 17.
45:56OK.
45:59Right, Tom.
46:05She drank the vinegar!
46:14So, well done, those five points.
46:16Come down here, we'll see how that affects the final score!
46:26Very good.
46:27So, you get in there, you just guessed it, did you?
46:29I thought the clue was a prime number.
46:33Why?
46:34Cos Alex is so boring.
46:37Yeah.
46:39Do you want to see the scoreboard?
46:40Yeah.
46:41It's unbelievable.
46:42She was in third place before, but now she's in first place.
46:44Rosie Jones has 17 points!
46:50Rosie Jones wins episode one.
46:53Please go and collect the things that have been inside your rhyme box!
46:59The Star Wars Star Wars Show.
47:06Friday the 13th isn't lucky for some, except you guys,
47:10because Babatunde's mates at Gogglebox
47:12return to us tomorrow as we welcome a new season through the door at nine.
47:16And we're hoping luck and love will be catching
47:19as one hopeful wants to swap likes for some real-life romance.
47:22Brand New First Dates gets it on tomorrow at 10.