Frasier Season 3 Episode 15 A Word To The Wis Eguy
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00:01Morning, Daphne.
00:02Dad.
00:02Shh!
00:03You're ruining his concentration.
00:06He's on a stakeout to catch whoever's been pinching our newspaper.
00:10He's been at it for over an hour.
00:13I must say, you can see why he was such a good policeman.
00:20That's very impressive, isn't he?
00:23When he wakes up, you must get him to tell you about his stint as security coordinator for Jimmy Hoffa.
00:30Dad, come on.
00:34Rise and shine.
00:35Huh?
00:36You fell asleep.
00:37Oh.
00:39Oh, good morning, Nars.
00:41Ah, yes, I see.
00:42Our newspaper thief has struck again.
00:46Damn, he's good.
00:47Come on in.
00:51This morning, for the first time since our separation,
00:54Maris actually picked up the phone and called me.
00:57She needs a favor.
00:58Well, Nars, I think that's hardly cause to celebrate.
01:02She called you just because she wants something.
01:04No, no, not wants, Frasier.
01:06Needs.
01:06This is my chance to show her how necessary I really am to her,
01:09and all I have to do is fix one small problem.
01:12What's the problem?
01:14She's wanted by the police.
01:15Apparently, she was driving past a shoe store last week when she spotted a stunning pair of Ferragamo pumps in the window.
01:26Well, I need not remind you what effect a Ferragamo sighting can have on Maris' hand-eye coordination.
01:32She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her name through the computer,
01:39they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets.
01:42What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles to the park in a handicapped space?
01:52Oh, and to top it all off, she neglected to appear for her summons,
01:55so they immediately swore out a warrant, and that brings us to you, Dad.
02:00Why?
02:02You were a cop.
02:03I'm sure you still have chums.
02:06Hint, hint.
02:08Who could lend you a hand.
02:09Wink, wink.
02:13Now, look, you know, I'd do anything for you but not this.
02:16All my years on the force, I never even fixed a ticket, let alone an arrest warrant.
02:22You couldn't put one little string?
02:24No, I hope everything works out for you, but I think the law should be the same for everyone.
02:28Well, it's not.
02:28We'd all like to believe justice is blind, but the sad truth is,
02:32wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake.
02:38The courts love to make examples of them.
02:40Oh, they do.
02:42Just think of Zsa Zsa Gabor or Leona Helmsley.
02:45Oh, yes.
02:46Superfectly lovely women victimized by an unjust system.
02:52Right, fine.
02:54You won't help me, I'll help myself.
02:56Well, I'm going down to that precinct house and I'm not leaving till I get justice.
03:00Oh, not exactly justice, I suppose.
03:02More like preferential treatment, but I'm not leaving till I get it.
03:07What a horrible thing to happen.
03:10Can you picture poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
03:13Only if they move the bars closer together.
03:24Well, that's it for today, folks.
03:27This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
03:32Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair.
03:37Frasier, we'll right back at you.
03:41Think of things didn't go so well down at this station?
03:44The police simply would not listen to reason.
03:47Police?
03:48They're persecuting my Maris over some silly parking fines.
03:52I felt sure they'd ease up if they just understood Maris a little better,
03:56so I tried to explain her to them.
03:58Oh, dear God.
03:58You know, I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the cops.
04:05Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.
04:10Okay.
04:11Okay, fine, you little weasel.
04:13Just forget it.
04:14I was going to help you.
04:15Maris can just rot in a slammer.
04:18Roz?
04:20I was joshing.
04:22I know how you enjoy our little bi-play.
04:24That weasel line, ouch, touche.
04:28You know what?
04:31You're even more annoying when you grovel.
04:33Zing, got me again.
04:36Roz, if not for his sake, then for mine, please.
04:40Okay, for you.
04:43My friend Phil had some major traffic violations,
04:46and he was so freaked that he called this guy who, you know, fixes things.
04:53Sounds like it's just a tad shady, Roz.
04:56You mean he went to some hoodlum?
04:58Well, I wouldn't use the word hoodlum in front of him.
05:04Just think of him as someone who makes wishes come true.
05:09Like a fairy godfather.
05:13Another word I wouldn't use in front of him.
05:17Here we go.
05:18Jerome Belasco.
05:19Oh, Roz, you are an angel of mercy.
05:21How can I repay you?
05:22The next time you think of some witty little thing to say about my sex life or what I'm wearing,
05:28just keep it to yourself.
05:31Consider it done.
05:32Don't give me that.
05:38Frasier, are you mad?
05:40I will not have you turning a minor opiate annoying situation into a Martin Scorsese film.
05:44You don't understand what this means to me.
05:49When Maris asked me for this favor, do you know what she said?
05:52She said, Niles, will you be my Commodore?
05:56Her Commodore.
05:57That's what she used to call her father.
06:01Oh.
06:02Frasier, there was no problem so great that that man couldn't fix it.
06:06I'm sure.
06:08Remember that lovely jeweled crucifix Maris picked up on her first communion trip to Rome?
06:13Who do you think smoothed things over with the Vatican?
06:15Yes, whatever happened to the days when a parent would take a wayward child by the hand,
06:24march them back to the scene of the crime, and make them say,
06:27I'm sorry, Your Holiness, it'll never happen again.
06:29You don't understand.
06:32If I show Maris that I can step into the Commodore's blimsolls,
06:37she'll have a whole new respect for me.
06:39We can rebuild our marriage on a healthier foundation.
06:42Frasier, please.
06:53I just know this man is the answer to my problems.
06:56Yes.
06:57Who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled marriage
06:59than a man whose business address is a wharf?
07:07Niles, look, this is ridiculous.
07:10It's past midnight.
07:12I'm leaving.
07:13No, no, no, you can't leave.
07:14You're my backup.
07:19I wonder what's keeping him.
07:20Do you suppose that's him?
07:31I doubt it.
07:32That overcoat is Armani.
07:34Good point, Niles.
07:37Where would a criminal come up with the money for something like that?
07:40Well, Dr. Crane, I presume.
07:47Oh, yes, Dr. Crane.
07:49I'm Niles Crane.
07:51This is my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.
07:54Jerome Belasco.
07:55Brother.
07:55Excuse my tardiness.
07:57My lady friend and I were having one of those discussions from which it is difficult to remove one's self.
08:04We certainly know about those, don't we?
08:06Yes.
08:07Yes.
08:08Dames.
08:08So, uh, you have some problem you think I can help you with?
08:15Uh, well, uh, I do.
08:16Uh, please, Jerome.
08:18Good.
08:19Uh, you see, last week, my lady got on the wrong side of Larry Law, and since then, certain, shall we say, complications have arisen.
08:31And, uh, in brief, things are hot, hot, hot, and we believe that you are the man to turn on the air conditioning.
08:37I sense you're a film buff, Dr. Crane.
08:48Can you just show him the charges?
08:49Oh, yes.
08:50Here you go.
08:51Quite a few.
08:54Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless endangerment.
08:59Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
09:02Oh, yes, she's ounces of fun.
09:07Uh, do you think you could persuade the police to show some leniency?
09:12Well, there's never any harm in making a phone call.
09:16Excuse me.
09:18Yes, around and straight to the back.
09:23He's making the call.
09:24He's making the call.
09:26Frasier, you're going to think I'm crazy for saying this, but that was fun.
09:29Well, I must admit, now, it is not, uh, entirely unpleasant to rub shoulders with the demimonde, you know?
09:43I definitely felt a real testosterone surge, you know?
09:47Me, too.
09:48Me, too.
09:48It's like an actual tingling in my chest.
09:51Hmm.
09:51Now it's gone.
09:54There it is again.
09:57And now it's gone.
09:58Oh, nice.
10:01Must be your, your cellular phone vibrating.
10:04Oh, it is.
10:05Oh, you know.
10:11Hello.
10:12Oh, hello, Maris.
10:14Uh, yes, I'm tending to that very matter right now.
10:18Wait, just, just hold one second.
10:20One second.
10:20Well, you may consider the matter dealt with.
10:26Oh, Maris, it's all taken care of.
10:32What did you say?
10:35No, I just never heard you use those words before.
10:40Um, you're welcome.
10:42Oh, Jerome.
10:52Now, if you excuse me, gentlemen, I have another business engagement.
10:56Well, at this hour of the night, my God, it's past midnight.
10:59What kind of business could it possibly be of mine?
11:02Where are you going?
11:02Tell me, what do I owe you?
11:07No, nothing.
11:08I was happy I could help.
11:10Oh, don't be silly.
11:11I insist.
11:12Consider it a favor.
11:14I was in a position to help you.
11:17Perhaps someday you'll be in a position to help me.
11:20I would love that.
11:22If there's ever anything I can do for you, you just, just say the word.
11:26You're very kind.
11:28It's a pleasure meeting you both.
11:30And you're, and, and I meant that.
11:32Anything at all.
11:33You just let me know.
11:37I shouldn't have said that, should I?
11:51Oh, Dr. Crane.
11:54Jerome.
11:56Look, Niles, it's Jerome.
11:59In my house.
12:03We've been having the most delightful chat.
12:06Dr. Crane, you're a lucky man to have such a charming young woman in your employ.
12:10Oh, go on.
12:14Did you know his brother supplied the cement for this very building?
12:18Well, what a small world.
12:25Oh, look at the time.
12:26I should read the...
12:27So, Jerome, you didn't tell us what line of work you're in.
12:30Oh, wait.
12:30Let me guess.
12:31I'm a bit psychic.
12:34Well, let's see.
12:37You're some sort of a doctor.
12:41An osteopath, perhaps?
12:43No.
12:43Well, that's odd.
12:45I can see you hovering over people with broken bones.
12:53Boys, why don't you help me get some refreshments for your new friend?
12:57Yes, yes.
13:00Excuse us, Jerome.
13:04Who the hell is this guy?
13:06He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris' legal problem, and in return I promised him a favor.
13:11Oh, God.
13:12You think that's why he's here?
13:16To collect?
13:17No, Niles.
13:18He's probably hosting a loo while he came by to borrow our poi ramekins.
13:25Are you guys not sure to get involved with somebody like that?
13:28Before we panic, we should at least talk to him, you know, get the straight dope, also known as the skinny.
13:36Knock it off, Bugsy.
13:37Stealing newspaper's most unnebarly behavior.
13:47Now, if you would like, I could find out who's doing it, make sure they never even think.
13:51Oh, no, no, that's all right, really.
13:55So, Jerome, is there something we can do for you?
13:59Well, since you asked, you may recall the other evening I mentioned my lady friend.
14:03If I may...
14:04She's a pretty thing, isn't she?
14:15This is at the dog track where we met.
14:18Oh.
14:19Oh.
14:20And here's our first Sinatra concert.
14:23Oh.
14:23Oh.
14:25No, this was at the funeral of a business associate.
14:29You know, for the life of me, I can't recall ever seeing a woman wearing so many different kinds of furs all at the same time.
14:41Well, Brandy is a uniquely stylish woman.
14:46Brandy?
14:47Yeah, the traditional spelling.
14:55We've been engaged for eight years, yet she refuses to set a wedding date.
15:01This upsets me.
15:03It also upsets my mother, whose comments on the subject are frequent and vivid.
15:09So, where do these two come in?
15:11Oh, she's reluctant to marry me. Obviously, she needs therapy.
15:15Oh.
15:16Well, you know, you're in luck.
15:18And I also happen to be one of the finest marriage counselors in all of Seattle.
15:21Actually, Dr. Craner, I would prefer it if Brandy spoke to you.
15:26To me?
15:27Yeah, no offense to you, Dr. Craner.
15:29Oh, none taken.
15:30She's a great fan of your show.
15:41I'm sure she'd heed any advice that you might care to offer, such as marry him promptly.
15:49Yeah, but I'm not here to put words in your mouth.
15:58You'll know what to say.
16:01Jerome, I'm a psychiatrist.
16:08I'm used to rendering my opinion, not being the mouthpiece for someone else.
16:13I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.
16:16Oh, Dr. Craner, sometimes in life we must do unpleasant things.
16:25I hate to tell you some of the unpleasant things that I've had to do.
16:32I see.
16:34Well, then, why don't you just give Brandy my unlisted home number,
16:40which I'm sure you came across while you were finding out where I lived.
16:46I'll be glad to chat with her.
16:50Oh, thank you.
16:51She'll be in touch.
16:53And I hope that very soon you'll dance at my wedding.
16:56Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:00If I'm able to dance.
17:05If you ask me, you're getting off easy.
17:06He could have asked you for a much bigger favor.
17:09Dad, how can I possibly, as a self-respecting psychiatrist,
17:12tell any woman to marry that thug?
17:15What are you talking about?
17:17Seemed very nice to me.
17:19This from the psychic who said he was a chiropractor.
17:24Listen, I've heard your show.
17:26One more piece of half-assed advice isn't going to kill you.
17:36Jerome, on the other hand.
17:37Okay, Dad.
17:41The key to lasting weight loss
17:43is to change the way you view food every day.
17:48Can't go on through life
17:49binging and then starving yourself
17:51for two weeks
17:52just to fit into that new gorgeous evening gown
17:55you bought for a special occasion.
17:57Can you understand that?
17:59Yeah.
18:00Thanks, Doc.
18:10Don't mention it, Steve.
18:13Rosa's our next caller.
18:15We have Randy from Richmond Beach.
18:18Hello, Randy.
18:19I'm listening.
18:21Not Randy.
18:22Brandy.
18:26Brandy.
18:27The traditional spelling.
18:31You know, we're all out of time.
18:34My goodness, I feel so sorry about this.
18:36No, we're not.
18:37We've got five minutes left.
18:38Thank you, Ross.
18:40All right, Brandy.
18:44Go ahead.
18:44Your problem, please.
18:46Well, it's my boyfriend, Jerome.
18:48He said I should call you.
18:50We've been sort of semi-engaged for eight years.
18:54He wants to get married.
18:56Well,
18:57I can certainly hear the love in your voice,
19:00so I say case closed.
19:02Best of luck to you in the future.
19:03Whoa,
19:04you got a bus to catch.
19:07There's a lot more to it.
19:09I mean,
19:09for starters,
19:10I think he's cheated on me.
19:12Well,
19:12in my experience,
19:13when you suspect something like that,
19:15nine out of ten times,
19:17you're right.
19:19As far as I'm concerned,
19:21I think a little mistrust
19:22adds mystery to a relationship.
19:24mystery I could stand
19:34if he didn't neglect me so much.
19:36I mean,
19:36every time we go for a romantic dinner,
19:39he gets a phone call and bang,
19:41it's got to work, babe.
19:43Finish your lobster.
19:44I'll send a limo for you.
19:46Lobster?
19:48Limos?
19:49My God,
19:50give me his number.
19:50I'll marry him.
19:54Money ain't everything,
19:58especially when you got a sex life like ours.
20:01He's not even good in bed.
20:03Who knows?
20:04Whenever they're long enough to find out.
20:07Oh,
20:07you know,
20:08this really isn't necessary.
20:09I said to him last night,
20:10what the hell was that?
20:12I've been vaccinated slower.
20:14Oh.
20:24Well,
20:26that just leaves more time to cuddle.
20:32Can I say something?
20:34No.
20:34Look,
20:35I could deal with the other problems
20:38if it weren't for one thing.
20:40All my life,
20:42I've dreamed of being a career woman.
20:45But he says I'm not allowed to work.
20:47I'm supposed to sit home all day,
20:50let him take care of me.
20:52So what do you think, Doc?
20:53Should I marry him?
20:57Well,
20:58taking into account
21:01that the years you've invested in the relationship
21:04and
21:04Jerome's obvious love for you,
21:08not to mention his
21:09generosity.
21:11Now what?
21:12Tell me what you think, Dr. Crane,
21:14because I really, really respect you.
21:23Brandy,
21:25run.
21:28Save yourself.
21:29Do not marry this man.
21:33This is Dr. Frasier Crane
21:34saying good night
21:35and
21:35see you God willing tomorrow.
21:39Yes, I have a non-fat
21:46decaf latte, please.
21:49Oh, what the hell?
21:50Look,
21:51make it a full fat mocha
21:53extra whipped cream.
21:57What the hell?
21:57Put a slice of bacon on it.
21:59See you.
22:03Hello,
22:04Frasier.
22:04Oh, it's...
22:05Don't do that.
22:07I'm sorry.
22:08I'm sorry.
22:08Double espresso, please.
22:11I heard you on the radio today.
22:13I thought what you did was noble.
22:14To what South American nation
22:18will you be fleeing?
22:21Like I'd tell you,
22:23one minute of interrogation
22:24and you would crack
22:25like a Jordan almond.
22:28Frasier,
22:29I never meant for any of this
22:30to happen.
22:30How long are you going
22:31to stay mad at me?
22:32For as long as I live.
22:33Would you probably take us
22:34through breakfast?
22:38Oops.
22:39Wrong again.
22:41Oh,
22:42oh,
22:42look,
22:43it's Jerome
22:44Belasco.
22:45Jerome,
22:46take a seat.
22:46Look,
22:47Frasier,
22:47it's our friend,
22:48Jerome Belasco.
23:04I heard you broadcast
23:06this afternoon.
23:08Displeased me.
23:12Now,
23:12let me have a little
23:13hot milk,
23:14please.
23:17I'm displeased
23:18I get acid
23:19in my stomach,
23:20Dr. Crane.
23:22Believe me,
23:23the last thing
23:24I want to do
23:25is displease you.
23:29Or,
23:30to hear the words
23:32acid
23:33and Dr. Crane
23:34in the same sentence.
23:35But,
23:39Jerome,
23:39I'm sorry.
23:41How could I have
23:42advised her
23:42otherwise?
23:43She said
23:43that you cheated
23:44on her.
23:45She said
23:46she suspected me.
23:47I've never
23:48cheated on
23:49Miss Brandy.
23:50Or I'd be that
23:51as it may.
23:53How could I advise
23:54a woman to marry
23:54a man who's so
23:55controlling
23:56that he won't
23:57even allow her
23:57to work?
23:58It may interest
23:59you to know
24:00that over the years
24:01I've called in
24:02favors to get
24:03Miss Brandy
24:0314 jobs.
24:08She lost
24:09all of them.
24:10So,
24:11you're saying
24:11she's
24:12had trouble
24:14finding her niche?
24:15No,
24:16I'm saying
24:16she's a dodo.
24:20Now,
24:21you may love
24:21a dodo.
24:23You may think
24:24the dodo
24:24is beautiful.
24:26You may even
24:27wish to marry
24:28the dodo.
24:29But,
24:29you do not
24:30encourage a dodo
24:31to fly.
24:33when she loses
24:37these jobs
24:37it makes her
24:38very unhappy.
24:40So,
24:40for her sake
24:41I said
24:41no more jobs.
24:44But now,
24:45in order to
24:46convince her
24:47to marry me,
24:48I've had to
24:49reverse this policy.
24:51So,
24:52she has
24:52agreed to
24:53marry you?
24:54If I get her
24:55a job.
24:56Not just
24:57any job.
24:59A job
24:59that she
24:59can never
25:00lose.
25:01a job
25:03where
25:03if she
25:04burns
25:04the place
25:04down,
25:05they will
25:06apologize
25:06to her
25:07for having
25:08made it
25:08so flammable.
25:14Well,
25:15good luck
25:16finding someone
25:17who'll hire her.
25:18Oh.
25:34Oh,
25:35Dr. Crane,
25:36your brother
25:36called.
25:37The court time
25:38for your tennis
25:38game is 11 o'clock.
25:40Oh,
25:40good lord,
25:41I distinctly told him
25:42I wasn't available
25:42till noon.
25:43Hey,
25:43if you're gonna
25:44call him back,
25:44put it on the
25:45speakerphone.
25:49Don't you think
25:49this is getting
25:50a little old?
25:51Well,
25:51I think it's just
25:52mean is what
25:53I think.
25:53So sue me,
25:54I enjoy it.
26:04Good morning,
26:06Niles Crane,
26:07a psychiatrist.
26:08Yes,
26:16it's Dr. Crane
26:17there,
26:17this is his
26:18brother,
26:18Fraser.
26:19Oh,
26:19hi,
26:20Dr. Crane,
26:21it's me,
26:22Brandy.
26:23Hang on,
26:24hon,
26:24I'm getting
26:24another call,
26:25I gotta put you
26:25on hold.
26:26Hey baby,
26:35I hear the blues
26:36are calling
26:37tossed salads
26:38and scrambled eggs.
26:41Quite stylish.
26:43And maybe I seem
26:44a bit confused,
26:46well,
26:46maybe,
26:47but I got you
26:48pegged.
26:49Ha,
26:50ha,
26:51ha,
26:51ha.
26:52But I don't know
26:53what to do
26:54with those tossed
26:54salads
26:55and scrambled eggs.
26:59They're calling again.
27:02Good night,
27:03everybody.