TV-G | 30min | Comedy, Drama, Family, Music, TV Series | Episode aired 6 January 1965
Patty believes that her parents are trying to marry her off to a man she doesn't even know. Her only recourse is to act as unappealing as possible in order to discourage the marriage.
Director: Don Weis
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Patty believes that her parents are trying to marry her off to a man she doesn't even know. Her only recourse is to act as unappealing as possible in order to discourage the marriage.
Director: Don Weis
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Patty, have you seen my bowling bag?
00:20Uh, no, I haven't, Patty.
00:22But I swore it was in there.
00:24Did you look behind the shoe boxes?
00:26No, that's where I keep my old magazines.
00:29Oh, I'll bet it's in the downstairs closet.
00:33How was your day?
00:34Well, usual front page stuff.
00:37How was yours?
00:38Oh, I had a fascinating day.
00:40I had a three-hour lunch with my niece, Ann, and David Stone.
00:45Who's David Stone?
00:46He's a graduate student at Juilliard, and Ann is head over heels in love with him.
00:50And he's in love with her, but he's too shy to propose.
00:53Oh, well, Ann's too young to get married anyway.
00:55She's still a schoolgirl.
00:57She's a senior at college.
00:59You don't realize how mature she's become lately.
01:03Well, I think she should finish school first.
01:06You see, the trouble with us, Martin, is that we've watched her grow up right under our noses.
01:11We don't realize how grown up she really is.
01:14We still think of her as a child, but Martin, she's become a young lady.
01:19Well, I suppose we have been blind about her just because she's ours.
01:23Maybe it would be a good idea if she got married.
01:25I'm sure it would.
01:27Well, it's all right with me.
01:29When?
01:30As soon as possible.
01:56One pair of matching bookends
02:00Different as night and day
02:03Where Kathy adores a minuet
02:06The ballet Russe and Crepe Suzette
02:09Our Patty loves to rock and roll
02:11A hot dog makes her lose control
02:13What a wild duet
02:15Still they're cousins
02:18Hypothetical cousins, and you'll find
02:22They laugh alike
02:23They walk alike
02:24At times they even talk alike
02:26You can lose your mind
02:28When cousins are two of a kind
02:44What is the matter?
02:46They're after me.
02:54Who is after you?
02:55My own mother and father.
02:57I don't know how to tell you this.
02:58They're...
02:59They're what?
03:01They're trying to get me married.
03:03Oh, Patty, that's ridiculous.
03:05I know it's ridiculous, but I just heard them plotting down there.
03:08They said I've grown up under their noses, and they didn't realize it.
03:10And I'm becoming an old lady, and they want to kick me out.
03:13You must have heard them rehearsing a play or something.
03:15Yeah, and I know the name of the play. It's called Getting Rid of Patty.
03:19You've got to be mistaken.
03:21All right, I want you to come downstairs and listen for yourself.
03:24All right, I will.
03:26But I'll need to prove to you that you're wrong.
03:31I asked David to dinner tomorrow night.
03:33Ann's going to be out of town. I hope you don't mind.
03:36No, I don't mind. But what's the point?
03:38Well, apparently David has some complex about getting married.
03:43He had a pretty unhappy childhood.
03:45He was an orphan, and an aunt and uncle brought him up
03:48The boundaries of home life are rather grim.
03:51Oh, you'd like him to see how great family life can really be.
03:54Yes, I think he's afraid to raise a family.
03:58I'd like him to meet Patty and see what a wonderful child she is.
04:02Fine, anything for the cause.
04:04He really would make a perfect husband for her.
04:07He's very warm, and you know how outgoing she is.
04:10Yeah, she never runs down.
04:12I'm glad I asked him to dinner tomorrow night.
04:15Well, let's make sure Patty's going to be home.
04:17Martin, wouldn't it be wonderful if it all worked out?
04:20We'll give them a beautiful honeymoon.
04:22Well, take it easy. We have to get them married first.
04:25We could send them to June Lake. She loves the country.
04:32Hi, folks.
04:34Hi, Patty.
04:35You know, we were just talking about you.
04:37Were you?
04:39You're looking very pretty, honey.
04:42Thank you, Papa.
04:44Our little girl is really growing up, isn't she, Nat?
04:46Yes.
04:47Patty, do you have any plans for tomorrow night?
04:52Tomorrow night?
04:54Why?
04:55We're having a dinner guest, and I want you to meet him.
04:59I can't. I have a date with Richard.
05:01Well, couldn't you break it?
05:03You never asked me to break a date with Richard before.
05:05This is rather important, darling.
05:07Oh, you're going to like this man. He's very nice.
05:10And I'm anxious for you to make a good impression on him.
05:14You are?
05:15Yes.
05:16As a matter of fact, I think you should wear your new dress tomorrow night.
05:19See, one of the reasons he's coming is to meet you.
05:24And I think you should go to the hairdresser in the afternoon.
05:27Excuse me.
05:31Any questions?
05:32They're leading me to the slaughter.
05:35I can't believe it.
05:36He'll dance at my wedding.
05:39Oh!
05:43Hello, Uncle Martin. I'm Natalie.
05:45Hello, dear.
05:46Hello, Kath.
05:47Uncle Martin, I know this seems ridiculous,
05:49but Patty seems to think there's going to be a wedding around here.
05:53Does she?
05:54Well, with a little bit of luck, there will be.
05:57That's exactly...
06:01Oh.
06:04Who is the man?
06:05He's studying composing at Juilliard.
06:07He's a very lovely person.
06:11Excuse me.
06:16I wonder how Patty knew.
06:18Oh, kids today are marvelous.
06:20They sense things.
06:26Did you find out anything?
06:28Yes.
06:30They are trying to get you married.
06:32My old mother and father are arranging a marriage behind my back
06:34to a man I've never even seen.
06:36You think we're in the Middle Ages.
06:38Well, I won't marry him.
06:40I simply can't understand them.
06:43I'm not ready to get married, Kathy.
06:45I got a C-minus in home economics.
06:47Now, who would want a wife like that?
06:50Oh, they sure must be anxious to get rid of me.
06:52Oh, I'm sure it isn't that, Patty.
06:55Papa was always talking about how expensive everything is.
06:57Maybe if I ate less, they'd let me stay.
06:59Maybe if I ate less, they'd let me stay.
07:02You've got to do something.
07:04I want Richard.
07:09Oh, Richard, I'm so happy to see you.
07:11Oh, great to see you.
07:12Less than an hour ago.
07:13It seems like a lifetime.
07:14Oh, what's wrong?
07:16I have to break my date with you tomorrow night.
07:18Why?
07:20I'm going to get married.
07:22Oh? Well, what about Tuesday night?
07:26She's serious.
07:27Serious about getting married?
07:29What is it, a school play or something?
07:32No, it's real life.
07:34Patty, you've been watching too much television.
07:36You can't get married.
07:38You've got a C-minus in home economics.
07:40You see, you know I'm not ready to get married.
07:43What's she talking about, Kat?
07:45I'm afraid it's true, Richard.
07:47Her mother and father are planning to get her married.
07:51Well, I'm not ready to get married yet.
07:54You're not the man they've chosen.
07:56You mean they want you to marry somebody else?
07:58Yeah, you're beginning to get the idea.
08:01Who is he?
08:02I don't know. I haven't met him.
08:03All I know is they're sending us to June Lake for our honeymoon
08:05because they think I like the country.
08:07Patty, they can't do this.
08:09They made me break my date with you tomorrow night
08:10because they invited him to dinner.
08:12And I'm supposed to wear my new dress
08:13and go to the beauty shop and be very charming.
08:16When you get married, it's going to be to me.
08:18And that's not going to be for a long, long time.
08:21You haven't met him, but he hasn't met you either.
08:25So?
08:26So, they told you to be charming.
08:29So?
08:30So, don't.
08:32How can I help it?
08:34Hey, I get it.
08:35She means make yourself unattractive and act stupid.
08:40Oh, I'd never believe it.
08:42You've got to try.
08:43I mean, if he doesn't like you,
08:45there's not going to be any marriage, right?
08:47Right.
08:49Kathy, I've got to hand it to you.
08:50When the chips are down, you're brilliant.
08:53All right, let's figure out the kind of girl
08:55that would be least likely to appeal to him.
08:57He's a long-haired musician.
08:59A long-haired musician?
09:01Well, then Patty can act herself.
09:03Oh, we've really got to make him head for the hills.
09:05He'd probably like someone who's scholarly,
09:07like serious books, art, the theater, the classics.
09:12All you have to do is be opposite.
09:13That's not hard.
09:14That's the real me.
09:16All right, let's rehearse it.
09:18You really have to frighten him away tomorrow night.
09:20Richard, you be David.
09:22David, huh?
09:23I don't even like his name.
09:26I'll be your mother.
09:27Good evening, David.
09:28It's so nice of you to come.
09:30This is my daughter, Patty.
09:32Patty, David.
09:35I'm very happy to make your acquaintance.
09:37I've heard a great deal about you.
09:39Tell me, have you read any good books lately, David?
09:43Oh, yes, indeed.
09:44I just finished reading The Odyssey.
09:47I read the sequel, The Evensy.
09:49Ha, ha, ha.
09:50I guess you read it pretty good, huh?
09:53Have you seen any good plays lately?
09:56Yeah.
09:57Gonzales checked Mickey Mantle out on the top of the night
09:59with vases loaded.
10:00Ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:02This is a rehearsal.
10:03It's a rehearsal.
10:04It's a rehearsal.
10:05It's a rehearsal.
10:06It's a rehearsal.
10:08This is a rehearsal, Patty.
10:10Oh.
10:12Tell me, are you fond of Gluck?
10:15Only if it has a lot of cream and sugar on it.
10:20That should frighten him away.
10:22I can't wait until tomorrow night.
10:33That's him. He's early.
10:34Yes, your mother and father aren't back yet.
10:37Yeah, I know.
10:38They went to get him some caviar or something.
10:40What do we do?
10:41Well, we can't keep him out there.
10:43Let him in.
10:44You can get rid of him before they get back.
10:46Yeah.
10:57Hello.
10:58I know I'm early.
10:59I'm David Stone.
11:01How do you do, David?
11:03I'm so happy to know you.
11:05I, uh...
11:09Well, uh, won't you come in?
11:11I'm Patty.
11:12This is my cousin, Kathy.
11:13Hello.
11:14How do you do?
11:15Well, the pioneer type should be back any sec.
11:18The pioneer...
11:19Oh.
11:21Well, if you'll excuse me, I have some things to do upstairs.
11:26Well, come on in and set us down.
11:31You know, I'm really very happy that your mother and father are on home now
11:34because I'd kind of like to get to know you a little better.
11:37C'est ça.
11:39Well, I don't think I'm supposed to know this,
11:41but I kind of feel they invited me here tonight to turn me into a Benedict.
11:46A Benedict?
11:47Shakespeare. Much ado about nothing.
11:50Benedict was a character who was against marriage
11:52until one day he met the right girl and it changed his mind.
11:57You mean...
11:58you're against marriage?
12:00Well, I had been up to now.
12:03You see, I had kind of a rugged childhood.
12:05I was raised by an aunt and an uncle who hated each other
12:08and they battled constantly
12:10and it made me pretty cynical about marriage and family.
12:14Me too.
12:15What do you mean?
12:18I've had a very unhappy childhood too.
12:21Well, I thought this was such a happy family.
12:23Happy?
12:26Oh, it's brutal around here.
12:28Everybody hates everybody else.
12:30Why, we yell and scream at each other all the time.
12:33You do?
12:35Oh, yeah.
12:36I could tell you stories that would make your hair stand on end.
12:40Ann told me this was the happiest family she'd ever seen.
12:45Ann?
12:46Your cousin, Ann.
12:47You know her?
12:48Yes.
12:51Oh, well, she lied to you.
12:53It's yell, yell, yell all the time around here.
12:57Oh, Patsy, have you seen...
12:58No! I want some more. Get out of here. See?
13:01Oh, of course.
13:03Who wants to be in the same room with you?
13:11You see?
13:12Do your parents quarrel?
13:14Day and night.
13:17They're the only family Ann has.
13:19Yeah.
13:22Poor Ann.
13:24She never even mentioned this to me.
13:26It must be terrible for her.
13:28Just the way it was for me.
13:30Oh, even worse.
13:31When Papa loses his temper, he's a fiend.
13:35Ann is so shy and sensitive.
13:38Someone should take her out of all this.
13:40Yeah.
13:42Of course, uh...
13:45I don't mind it here. I'm kind of used to it.
13:48I even like it here.
13:50I wouldn't want to leave for anything.
13:55David!
13:56David!
13:58Martin, this is David Stone.
14:00How do you do?
14:01Nice to meet you.
14:02I'm sorry we were so late getting home.
14:04I'm glad Patty and I have had a chance to talk.
14:07Yeah, we really understand each other.
14:09And I've made up my mind about something.
14:12Yes?
14:13I want to get married. Right away.
14:22Francis, I can't tell you how excited we all are.
14:26Oh, of course, Ann is just beside herself.
14:29She loves David so much.
14:32Yes.
14:35Uh-huh.
14:37Yes.
14:42Yes.
14:45Mama!
14:47And David simply adores her.
14:51Oh, I'm going to help her pick out the wedding gown.
14:55Well, if we can get ready in time, we'll have the wedding next week.
14:57You know, I've just a million things to do.
15:00Oh, we're going to have the wedding right here at the house.
15:02And I do want it to be beautiful.
15:06Oh, about a hundred people.
15:10Yes, I know she seems like such a child, but she isn't, really.
15:18I know.
15:20He made up his mind last night, right after he had a talk with Patty.
15:25Isn't it wonderful?
15:29Oh, I'm so delighted.
15:31I can't believe it.
15:33You mean I'm going to be a bridesmaid?
15:35Well, Patty's downstairs now, talking to your mother.
15:38I'm sure it'll all be settled.
15:45Did you talk to your mother?
15:47Yeah, it's all set.
15:49The wedding is next week in my former home.
15:51She wants it to be beautiful, about a hundred people.
15:53Oh, Patty.
15:55Kathy told me the news, sis.
15:57I'm going to miss you.
15:59I want you to come and live with me.
16:01Do you mean that?
16:03Of course I mean it.
16:04Gee, thanks, sis.
16:06You too, Kathy.
16:08Oh, and what about your husband?
16:10Oh, I forgot all about him.
16:12What time is it?
16:14Oh, it must be about five o'clock.
16:16Do you realize we haven't heard a word from David since he was here yesterday?
16:19Maybe he's forgotten about me.
16:21Oh, I wouldn't count on that if I were you.
16:24Yeah, I guess you're right.
16:26Well, maybe you ought to leave town or something.
16:28Oh, Patty, David's downstairs.
16:31He wants to see you.
16:32Oh, boy.
16:33I'm so happy.
16:34I can't tell you how much this means to me.
16:37Does it really, Mom?
16:38Oh, I've dreamed of this for a long time.
16:41Mom, I hardly know David.
16:43I've only met him once in my whole life.
16:45He's a wonderful man.
16:47You'll get to love him.
16:49Mom!
16:51Mom, I'm too young to get married.
16:53I should think so.
16:55We're moving the wedding from Wednesday to Friday.
16:58They'll give us two extra days.
17:00Oh, I've such a million things to do.
17:02I've got to arrange a minister, call the caterer, call the rental place.
17:06I don't know how we're going to get ready in time.
17:12My own mother.
17:13Selling me down the river.
17:20Richard, why'd you use the back door?
17:23I didn't know if I'd be welcome at the front door anymore.
17:26I mean, since Patty's practically a married woman.
17:30She's not married yet.
17:32It's going to happen any minute.
17:34I wonder if they're planning to invite me over to dinner.
17:37You know, old friends of the bride.
17:40I'm sure sorry about this, Richard.
17:42Could I fix your sandwich?
17:44No, thanks, I'm fine.
17:46Richard, could I fix your sandwich?
17:48No, thanks, I'm not hungry.
17:50You're not?
17:51I haven't been able to eat a bite since I heard the news.
17:54I don't know if Patty'll get married.
17:56But if she does marry, I'd like her to marry you.
17:59Thanks, Ross.
18:00I mean, you've got your problems, but at least I know what they are.
18:03I don't want a stranger for a brother-in-law.
18:07Maybe you're not going to have a stranger for a brother-in-law.
18:10What do you mean?
18:11I mean I'm not going to let it happen so easily.
18:14You think any old joker that comes along can take Patty away from me?
18:18Wait a minute, where are you going?
18:19To see Patty through the front door.
18:33Hello, Patty.
18:34Hello, David.
18:36I've got to give you a kiss.
18:39Do you?
18:41I owe you so much.
18:43Me?
18:45Well, yes.
18:46Before I spoke to you last night, I didn't have any idea how much I wanted to get married.
18:51But now that I've made up my mind, I feel like a new man.
18:55You mean you still want to go through with it?
18:58I can't wait.
18:59The sooner, the better.
19:01David, I think there's something you should know.
19:03What's that?
19:04I can't cook or sew.
19:06I have a terrible disposition and I have two cavities, an upper and a lower.
19:10Well, when we get back from the honeymoon, we'll just have to get you to a dentist.
19:14You mean that doesn't change your feelings about me?
19:16Of course not, Patty.
19:18Nothing could ever do that.
19:20Why do I have to be so irresistible?
19:23Anybody home?
19:25In here, Richard.
19:28Hi, Patty.
19:30Hi, Richard.
19:31I'd like you to meet David Stone, Richard Harrison.
19:34David?
19:35You're David?
19:37You're David?
19:39You've heard about me?
19:40Boy, that's the only topic of conversation around here.
19:44Well, I'm pleased to meet you.
19:46I'll bet you are.
19:47You're turning me into a laughing stock.
19:50I don't understand.
19:51No?
19:52Well, it just happens you're planning to marry my girl.
19:55Your girl?
19:56That's right.
19:57And I don't intend to give her up.
20:00What's he talking about?
20:02It's true.
20:03I didn't want to hurt you, David, but that's the way it is.
20:06You mean you knew about it, too?
20:08Well, of course.
20:09Everybody knows it.
20:11Everybody but me?
20:13How long have you known her?
20:14A lot longer than you have.
20:16Richard Harrison.
20:18She never even mentioned you to me.
20:20You've been too busy sweeping her off her feet.
20:23It all happened so fast.
20:26And you're in love with her?
20:28That's right.
20:29Well, how does she feel about you?
20:31Tell him.
20:33Same way, I'm afraid.
20:37I can't believe this.
20:39You're just a kid.
20:41I'm not as young as I look.
20:43Anyway, Patty and I aren't ready to get married next week.
20:47But we will be.
20:49Someday.
20:51Patty and you?
20:53That's right.
20:54That's why I can't marry you.
20:57You can't marry me.
20:59No.
21:00Oh, I hate these eternal triangles.
21:03But it wouldn't be fair to any of us.
21:06I know how hurt you must be.
21:09But I just can't go through with it.
21:12Patty, didn't your mother tell you?
21:15Oh, yeah.
21:16She told me how anxious you are to get married.
21:19And I hate to let her down, but please, try to understand.
21:23I think I do.
21:27Look, the truth of the matter is...
21:30Yes?
21:31The truth of the matter is...
21:36Well, I'm just very happy we had this chat.
21:40Yeah, me too.
21:43Do you think you'll be able to get over me?
21:48Well, not right away, of course, but in time.
21:55Thank you, David.
21:56You're a good loser.
21:58Thanks, I lost a good man.
22:01Yeah, well, better luck next time.
22:04Oh, how am I going to break the news to the parent figures?
22:07Would you like me to do it for you?
22:10Would you?
22:12Yes, I think it might be easier coming from me.
22:16Yeah, that way you can tell them you're all right.
22:21You know something?
22:23You're all right.
22:24All set?
22:26All set.
22:27Bye.
22:28So long.
22:30Hey, wait a minute.
22:31Didn't you say you know my cousin Ann?
22:33Yes.
22:35Look, if you're so anxious to get married, why don't you try her?
22:39Not me, but...
22:41Oh, she's a wonderful girl.
22:43Good luck.
22:58Isn't it incredible how great everything turned out?
23:00I told David about Ann Monday, and he'd marry her Friday.
23:04When I play Cupid, I don't kid around.
23:06Maybe you should be a professional matchmaker.
23:09Yeah, I'd be great.
23:12You know, I really thought I was going to be in big trouble this week.
23:18But I got out of it.
23:20She didn't.
23:21She didn't.
23:23I'm afraid she did.
23:25Patty must have taken it for granted that we were all speaking of her wedding.
23:28Well, why didn't she come to us and discuss it?
23:30Well, perhaps she felt she couldn't.
23:32But why?
23:33Because she can't stand screaming.
23:35When Ann and I get back from our honeymoon, we'd like very much to have a talk with you about Patty.
23:40We think perhaps she may be happier living with us.
23:42Living with you?
23:44Well, Ann and I have discussed how unhappy Patty is living here at home, and we've decided...
23:48Patty unhappy at home?
23:50Where'd you ever get that impression?
23:52It's not an impression. She told me.
23:54Well, I mean, she wasn't complaining.
23:56She, you know, she merely said that she'd never leave you.
23:59But Patty's a very sensitive girl, and she just can't stand watching you two fight constantly.
24:04Watching us fight?
24:06Yelling and screaming at one another.
24:08Patty said that?
24:09That's right.
24:10Well, for your information, there is no yelling around this house.
24:13Patty! Patty, come in here!
24:16Well, now, now, wait a minute. I didn't mean to start another family row.
24:20I just thought that if there was something wrong, perhaps we could help the situation.
24:23Don't worry. We're going to do something about it. Patty!
24:28Yes, Pa, would you call me?
24:30Yeah, I have a bit of news for you, young lady.
24:32Oh, yeah? What's that?
24:33You're in trouble again.
24:35I know, I...
24:36Now, about our yelling. Why don't you get off telling people?
24:39I didn't mean to start another family row.
24:41I mean, you just told me, and I figured that maybe, maybe there was some...
25:23They laugh alike.
25:24They walk alike.
25:25At times they even talk alike.
25:26You can lose your mind
25:29when cousins
25:31are two of a kind.