TV-G | 30min | Comedy, Drama, Family, Music, TV Series | Episode aired 25 September 1963
Patty inadvertently alters a computerized IQ test. As a result, she is mistakenly categorized as a genius.
Director: William Asher
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Patty inadvertently alters a computerized IQ test. As a result, she is mistakenly categorized as a genius.
Director: William Asher
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Patti, I want you to...
00:03Patti, where's Patti?
00:05I believe she's in her room, Aunt Natalie.
00:09Didn't you do the dishes last night?
00:11Yeah.
00:12And the night before that?
00:14Patti and I always toss a coin, and I always lose.
00:18She is very lucky.
00:20She's always lucky.
00:22She's always lucky.
00:24She's always lucky.
00:26I toss a coin, and I always lose.
00:29She is very lucky.
00:30And I'll bet it's always her coin.
00:33Patti, your cousin is taking advantage of you.
00:36Oh, I don't mind doing these, Aunt Natalie.
00:39Patti had some homework to do.
00:41What's she studying, rock and roll?
00:48Hi, Mom.
00:52Mom, you cut off the surfer's swing.
00:55Followed by your allowance.
00:57Now what have I done?
00:58Nothing, Patti.
00:59You haven't done anything this week, last week,
01:01or the week before that.
01:02Who can understand Paris?
01:04That includes the dishes, your homework, your room.
01:06Do you want me to grow up to be a drudge?
01:08Your cousin Cathy is in the kitchen doing your job.
01:10Mom, I'm doing this for Cathy's sake.
01:13I mean, she's traveled around Europe all her life
01:15with her father, living in hotels.
01:17She never had a chance to wash dishes.
01:19I mean, that's not natural.
01:21We're giving her a chance to feel at home.
01:23Forget it, Tom Sawyer.
01:24Your house and your room look like a disaster area.
01:26Your clothes are in a mess.
01:28Is this a private war?
01:29Can anybody join in?
01:31I'm treated like slave labor.
01:33Susan Baxter got her own television today.
01:35Emily Johnson goes to the movies three times a week,
01:37and Richard gets to watch television as late as he likes.
01:40Well, it's no problem there.
01:42Anything else?
01:43Now that you ask, I need an increase in my allowance.
01:45Hmm.
01:46Your friendly loan company says no.
01:49Anything else?
01:50Yes, you can give me that two-headed coin,
01:52get into the kitchen, and start washing dishes.
01:54That's my good luck coin.
01:55Yes, I know.
02:08You think we were too rough on her?
02:10No, I don't care what Dr. Spock says.
02:12I say you have to grind them under your heel,
02:14or else they'll rise up and get you.
02:23Oh.
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03:49has perfected a machine to reach your intellectual capacities and problem-solving facility.
03:56This electronic device, Teach, as we call it,
04:04will supply in three minutes your intelligence quota rating,
04:08your percentile group in your school, and your percentile group in the country.
04:13We're going to begin immediately. Thank you.
04:16The testing will be done in the study hall.
04:21Oh, sit right down here, please.
04:26And your name, please?
04:28Patty Lane.
04:33This is Teach, Technical Electronic Amplifier Code Handler.
04:39Like I.
04:41Please.
04:42Teach will ask you questions in various categories.
04:46You will type your answers on the typewriter keyboard, which is an input-output printer.
04:53Spooky bit.
04:55Oh, not at all.
04:57The typewriter is simply a device by which we communicate with computers.
05:04You are not to touch any of these buttons.
05:10Okay.
05:18The machine is asking you to name two primary colors that make purple.
05:21Red and blue.
05:23Type your answer.
05:32Very good.
05:33The machine will feed you a new question every 15 seconds.
05:36If you miss one, just go on to the next.
05:38Blast off.
05:45Name the origin of lac dye.
05:48Just to get you started.
05:50It's derived from the Southern Asia lac insect.
05:53Oh, sure.
06:03Give the two hypotheses of the kinetic theory of matter.
06:06Take your time.
06:07You have 15 seconds.
06:09A telephone call for you from Washington.
06:11That must be the president of our company.
06:15You just stay put.
06:17The machine will do everything automatically.
06:26Give the latitude and longitude of Montevideo.
06:30Montevideo.
06:34Montevideo is...
06:42Define centrifugal force.
06:48Centrifugal force.
06:54Will you give me a chance to finish?
06:57Give the metric equivalent of one U.S. yard, one U.S. pound, one U.S. gallon.
07:02Metric equivalent.
07:04Multiply by 10.
07:10You guys are kidding.
07:33Mr. Lane?
07:34Yes?
07:35I'm sorry to barge in on you like this.
07:36I'm Edwina Morgan, Patty's psychology teacher.
07:38Oh, yes.
07:39And I'm Mr. Snell of the National Educational Testing Survey.
07:42We've come to see you about a rather urgent matter.
07:44What is it?
07:45We'd prefer to talk to Mrs. Lane at the same time, if you don't mind.
07:48Please come in.
07:52This is Mrs. Lane.
07:54My son, Ross.
07:55How about you?
07:56Mrs. Morgan.
07:57Mr...
07:58Snell.
07:59How do you do?
08:00How do you do?
08:01Mrs. Morgan, won't you sit down?
08:03Mrs. Morgan is Patty's psychology teacher, dear.
08:06Did Patty mention taking an intelligence test today?
08:09No, we're not on speaking terms.
08:11If Patty flunked an intelligence test, it's because she wasn't trying.
08:14Mrs. Lane, I've been giving these tests for the past 18 months in schools all over the country.
08:20Your daughter has set a new record.
08:22I knew she could do it.
08:23Patty hit an all-time low.
08:25An all-time high.
08:27An all-time high.
08:29I'm happy to inform you that Patty rates in the highest category of genius.
08:34Patty who?
08:36I'm afraid you must be mistaken, Mr. Snell.
08:38Patty's a bright, intelligent child, but I'd hardly call her a genius.
08:43Our machine isn't capable of making a mistake.
08:46I checked the results seven times.
08:4890 to 110 is average.
08:51The genius class ranges from 153 to 180.
08:55Patty's average was 185.
08:59Five points above the top genius rating.
09:03Mr. Lane, your daughter's in a class with Michelangelo, Socrates, da Vinci.
09:08Her mind is one of America's natural resources.
09:11Boy, are we in trouble.
09:13Oh, here's Patty.
09:14Oh, no, this is Kathy, Patty's cousin.
09:17Hello, Mrs. Morgan.
09:18Hello, dear, this is Mr. Snell.
09:19How do you do?
09:20How do you do?
09:22Kathy, where's Patty?
09:23In the kitchen doing the dishes.
09:25We used my coin.
09:28She's doing the what?
09:30Is that wrong?
09:31Not wrong, Mrs. Lane.
09:33Tragic.
09:34That's true.
09:35She breaks a lot of them.
09:38I don't think you people have any real understanding of this situation.
09:42The time that your daughter is forced to spend washing dishes
09:46could be time that she might be devoting to, say,
09:49discovering a vaccine that could save all humanity from disease.
09:54Patty?
09:55Or an invention that could radically change the course of the world.
09:59Patty?
10:00You two have had a great responsibility thrust upon you.
10:04The most important thing you can do is keep Patty's mind free
10:08so that she can cope with this greatness.
10:11She must have absolutely nothing on her mind.
10:15She hasn't.
10:17We're going to do everything we can to cooperate at school.
10:20But that won't help unless Patty receives the same kind of cooperation at home.
10:25We've managed all right for the last 16 years.
10:28May I ask your IQ, Mr. Lane?
10:31135.
10:32I'm only 150.
10:35Do you really think that you and I are equipped to control a brain with an IQ of 185?
10:43Who knows the irreparable damage you might have done to her mind in those 16 years.
10:49The paintings that won't be painted.
10:52The mathematical formulas that were lost while she was doing the vicious...
10:57Mathematical formulas?
10:59Her average in mathematics is 70.
11:02I know.
11:04Interesting, isn't it?
11:07What organization did you say you were with?
11:09National Educational Testing Survey.
11:12NETS.
11:14Yeah, that's right. National Educational Testing Survey.
11:17NETS.
11:21Are you sure?
11:24Oh, I see.
11:26Uh, no, no. It's nothing special.
11:29I, uh, I was just thinking of writing an editorial on it.
11:33Mr. Snell...
11:36Mr. Snell, I owe you an apology. I just checked on your organization.
11:40And not that I didn't believe...
11:42Well, I mean, Patty is...
11:44Please.
11:46Parents are always the last to know.
11:49What do you want us to do?
11:53The first thing is to remove any frustrations from Patty's life so that her mind is free of irritations.
12:02Is there anything she wants that she doesn't have?
12:05She wants an increase in her allowance.
12:07She'd like her own telephone.
12:09She hates doing chores.
12:11Sure, she'd like to spend all her time watching television and the movies.
12:15Typical.
12:17On the surface, that seems like a childlike desire.
12:21But who knows what gigantic ideas might be formulating in her mind while she's watching the movies or a television show.
12:29Newton was a bird watcher.
12:31Galileo collected buttons.
12:33Give her anything she wants.
12:35We've arranged to have Patty moved into a special class we've just set up.
12:39Well, I know at a moment like this you want to be alone with your daughter.
12:44We'll see ourselves out.
12:46Good night, Edwina.
12:48Good night.
12:51Roth, go get Patty.
12:53Me?
12:54Yes, you.
12:55What'll I say to her?
12:56Well, just tell her to...
12:58I mean, just ask her if she'd please come in here.
13:02Okay.
13:05Excuse me, miss.
13:09If it isn't too much trouble, your parents would like to know if you could please come into the living room for a minute.
13:16If it isn't too much trouble.
13:18Will you focus?
13:19Yes, ma'am.
13:26That's exactly the way to handle it.
13:28She was doing the dishes.
13:30It broke my heart.
13:32What's the scream?
13:34Patty.
13:35Um, sit down right here.
13:37What'd I do now?
13:38Your father just thought you might be more comfortable sitting here.
13:41Unless you'd prefer to sit here.
13:45What didn't I do now?
13:47Mr. Snell and Miss Morgan just left.
13:50Oh.
13:52They told you about the intelligence test today.
13:55They were terribly excited.
13:56Don't blame me.
13:57I couldn't help it.
13:58I just got so frustrated that I...
14:00Snell was right.
14:01I have been frustrating you.
14:04We've been holding you down for years.
14:06You're not angry?
14:07Angry?
14:08We're very proud of you.
14:10You got the highest score they have ever had.
14:12Oh, I can explain that.
14:14The cookie machine was going so fast.
14:16I just got mad and let...
14:17And you showed them.
14:19Oh, you're a...
14:20You're a chip off the old block, honey.
14:24Well, I'm glad everything's cuckoo.
14:26You better get back and finish the dishes.
14:28Oh, no.
14:29I'll do them for you.
14:31I decided you won't have to do any more dishes.
14:33You mean...
14:35Ever?
14:36Ross and I will be glad to do your share.
14:38Yes, ma'am.
14:39And you're going to have your own telephone.
14:41For real?
14:42For real.
14:43And if there's any special television shows that you want to see
14:45or any movies, you just say the word.
14:48As of now, your allowance has been doubled.
14:50Man, it's like Christmas.
14:53Miss Morgan and Mr. Snell know all about this?
14:55They suggested it?
14:58I always thought Miss Morgan was such a square.
15:01You don't have to use words like square anymore, Patty.
15:04I mean, I imagine there are superior verbal equivalents
15:07that you'd prefer to articulate
15:08now that you don't have to repress your real mental abilities any longer.
15:12Yeah.
15:13Well, I gotta buzz Richard.
15:15Bye.
15:18It's going to take her a little while to get used to it.
15:21Me, too.
15:23Me, too.
15:28Delicious? No, sure.
15:30Gonna get my own telephone.
15:31Maybe a television set.
15:33Good morning, Patty.
15:35Like high, Mr. Snell?
15:36Like high. It's delicious.
15:38I got a flasher from Buck from Miss Morgan's psychology class.
15:41Yes, we've made some new arrangements for you
15:43and I think you're going to be very pleased with them.
15:45You'll have only one class from now on.
15:47Oh, and you won't be needing these.
15:51Cuckoo.
15:52Cuckoo.
15:53Cuckoo.
15:54Cuckoo.
15:57In here.
16:01Patty, this is Antonia, Amel, August, and Peter.
16:07Patty Lane.
16:08Each student is working in the creative field of his own choice.
16:14Antonia is a sculptress.
16:18Amel is in abstract mathematics.
16:22Peter is a poet.
16:24And August is working in pre-Aristotelian philosophy.
16:30And you're going to lock me in with them?
16:33I think you'll find the intellectual climate in this room very stimulating, Patty.
16:37And if you need any tools or special equipment of any kind,
16:41don't hesitate to speak up.
16:53What is your field?
16:55My field?
16:56Your specialization.
16:58Oh, I don't specialize much.
17:02I'm sort of interested in everything.
17:04A generalist.
17:06That's remarkable.
17:08Assuming, of course, that you're in agreement with Spengler.
17:11Oh, yeah.
17:13Completely.
17:14He's a blast.
17:15Chess?
17:17What?
17:18Would you care to indulge in a game of chess?
17:21I've been playing all morning.
17:23Oh.
17:24August, how about you?
17:25My pleasure.
17:26How do we stand?
17:2732-37 in three draws.
17:30You have white. Go ahead.
17:32King, queen's pawn to queen four.
17:36King's rook's pawn to rook four.
17:39Very good.
17:41I haven't got a chessboard.
17:43Chessboard?
17:45Cuckoo.
17:51Hello, Patty.
17:53Oh, hi, Kat.
17:54How was school?
17:55Cuckoo.
17:57They put me in an almond factory.
17:59Do you want a flicker?
18:00They were playing chess without a chessboard.
18:03Did they use queen's pawn to queen four opening?
18:06And retaliate with king's rook's pawn to rook four?
18:10You're as way out as they are.
18:12If you go up to your room, you'll find a surprise there.
18:15Cuckoo.
18:18Hey!
18:35Alice, guess what?
18:37I'm talking to you on my own status symbol.
18:39Isn't that a little bitter?
18:41Can you come right over?
18:43Crazy. Bye.
18:47Peggy.
19:07Patty?
19:09It's three o'clock in the morning, honey.
19:11What are you doing up?
19:13Watching the late, late, late, late show.
19:15What are you watching?
19:17The Beast with Five Pony Fingers.
19:20I suppose it has more meaning for you than it does for someone like me.
19:24I, uh...
19:26I suppose you view it in nihilistic terms, huh?
19:30You know, sometime I'd like to have you explain it to me.
19:34I mean, the inner meaning that you get out of a movie like that.
19:41Well...
19:43I guess I'll go on back upstairs.
19:48Good night, honey.
19:51Papa?
19:52Yeah?
19:59Do you really believe these electronic brains know what they're doing?
20:03Sure I do. Why?
20:06Well, take me.
20:09I mean...
20:11That machine says I'm a great genius.
20:14But...
20:16Honey, you must have more confidence in yourself.
20:19Now, that machine said you're a genius.
20:22Well, it's right. You are.
20:25You're our little genius.
20:28And you believe in that.
20:30Good night, sweetheart.
20:33Good night.
20:41Good night.
21:12Good morning, sleepy eyes.
21:14Hi. What time is it?
21:1610.30.
21:18I'm late for prison.
21:20No, you just stay in bed and relax. I called Miss Morgan.
21:22She said you can come in when you feel like it.
21:24You have no regular school hours.
21:26Miss Morgan said that?
21:29You know, Mom, I was all wrong about you and the father figure.
21:33I said you didn't know how to treat kids.
21:35Well, you sure do.
21:37Thanks.
21:38Salt and pepper.
21:41Sorry about that. I'll get it.
21:43Thanks.
21:44Uh, and butter.
21:58Patty, I'd like to see you a minute.
22:00Have I got some exciting news for you.
22:03What's up?
22:04He's here.
22:05Who's here?
22:07Mr. Hawks, our president.
22:09He's come up from Washington just to meet you.
22:13He has?
22:14He sure has.
22:17I can't tell you how excited he is about your test.
22:19And he wants the pleasure of seeing you take another one.
22:22I can't do that.
22:24I mean, I was up most of the night with three ghosts.
22:26All right, listen. I've started the machine for you.
22:28So go right ahead and I'll call Mr. Hawks.
22:30But you...
22:31Sit down.
22:38Hi, Jim.
22:40The nice thing about this girl
22:42is the protective patina of average behaviorism.
22:46All camouflage, of course.
22:48Very insensitive father.
22:50Bourgeois mother.
22:51No idea of the treasure they have.
22:53But their repressions have only served to sharpen
22:56the most incredible intellect I've ever encountered.
22:59A giant, Mr. Hawks.
23:01A giant.
23:07A giant.
23:27By activating the key monitor buttons,
23:31Patty accidentally triggered off the mechanism that...
23:35That had the machine answer its own questions
23:38and then grade itself 100%.
23:40In the 30 years our organization has been functioning,
23:44this is the first time a thing like this has ever happened.
23:49Have you told her yet?
23:51No, no, no. We thought it best for her family to tell her.
23:56I'll just see myself out.
24:06Get Patty.
24:08Yeah, man.
24:11The ex-genius is coming.
24:14I hope this is important.
24:15I was watching a show on my new television set.
24:18Yeah, it helped me to think.
24:20Let's take in a movie tonight, Kath.
24:21I wouldn't plan on it.
24:23Why not?
24:24You're going to be too busy.
24:25Doing what?
24:26I'm glad you asked.
24:36Patty!
24:37When you finish those, you can start cleaning the room.
24:40The hall closet's a mess.
24:41Your bathroom needs doing.
24:43And there's quite a lot of ironing to do.
24:45And, uh, bye.
24:49You win some, you lose some.
25:06Here's Kathy who's lived most everywhere
25:10From Zanzibar to Barkley Square
25:13But Patty's only seen the sights
25:15A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights
25:17What a crazy pair
25:19But they're cousins
25:22Identical cousins and you'll find
25:26They laugh alike
25:27They walk alike
25:28At times they even talk alike
25:30You can lose your mind
25:32When cousins are two of a kind