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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 Yep.
00:29 (birds chirping)
00:31 Yep.
00:32 Yep.
00:35 Mm-hmm.
00:37 You know what it could be.
00:42 That damn starter motor.
00:45 You getting good compression?
00:47 Yeah.
00:48 I know what's wrong with it.
00:51 It's a Ford.
00:53 You know what they say Ford stands for, don't you?
00:56 It stands for fix it again, Tony.
00:59 You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.
01:03 Fix it again.
01:07 I'll tell you what you do,
01:11 you just take them damn spark plugs out
01:14 and in that little hole,
01:15 you just put a little oil around there,
01:16 just like Bobby and his services,
01:18 just like it'd go boom, just like that.
01:20 Well, I wish it were that simple, Boom Hauer.
01:25 But I'll tell you what my truck really needs, leadership.
01:30 Detroit hadn't felt any real pride
01:33 since George Bush went to Japan
01:35 and vomited on their auto executives.
01:39 Who's ready?
01:40 Y'all catch the Seinfeld show last night?
01:49 Yep.
01:50 Oh hell, I missed it.
01:52 I tell you what, you see that part
01:53 where dang old George come in there
01:55 and talk about taking his own burp
01:57 and Kramer come sliding in.
01:59 Just I always do that.
02:01 I tell you what, man,
02:02 them dang old New York boys.
02:04 Just a show about nothing.
02:08 (upbeat music)
02:11 (upbeat music)
02:14 (upbeat music)
02:16 the show.
02:17 (upbeat music)
02:20 (upbeat music)
02:23 (upbeat music)
02:25 What you listening to, son?
02:48 I don't think you like it.
02:49 Well, why not?
02:50 I like this new generation of music.
02:53 Hello?
02:57 Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds.
03:02 Where did you record this?
03:04 I bought it at the mall.
03:05 It's a funny phone jerks.
03:07 Let me tell you, Bobby,
03:09 there's nothing funny about these sounds.
03:12 What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder.
03:17 Now you get ready for the game, okay?
03:19 Yes, sir.
03:20 That boy ain't right.
03:22 Oh God, Luann, I thought you went home.
03:29 No, Uncle Hank, mom and daddy are still fighting.
03:32 Well, you're welcome to stay,
03:34 but for God's sakes, girl, lock the door.
03:37 I've got a minor son living in this house.
03:40 So you ready to kick some wild cat butt, Bobby?
03:47 Okay.
03:49 Now, don't you worry, son.
03:51 You just do your best.
03:52 Don't listen to her, Bobby.
03:54 If you want to win,
03:56 you're gonna have to do better than your best.
03:59 How do I do that?
04:01 You gotta give 110%.
04:05 That's what'll give you that winning edge.
04:07 But what if the wild cats give 110% too?
04:11 Well, then you gotta try even harder.
04:14 How about if Bobby gave 112%?
04:17 Sure, that'd work.
04:19 Or maybe 113%.
04:23 (sighs)
04:24 Yeah, yeah, that's even better.
04:26 No, I don't know.
04:28 13 is a very unlucky number.
04:30 Look, we're not talking about 13.
04:32 We're talking about 113 and even...
04:36 Okay, give 112.
04:39 What's the difference?
04:41 Look, Bobby, just do your best, okay?
04:43 (upbeat music)
04:47 Swing, Bobby, swing!
04:49 Swing!
04:50 And y'all just dang over this little nap this ball won.
04:53 Good eye, honey, good eye.
04:54 Oh, for crying out loud.
04:58 Bobby, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs
05:04 and you can't get on base without taking a swing.
05:08 The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?
05:11 Don't play lawyer ball, son.
05:13 Now, you hit the next one out of the park.
05:17 (crowd chattering)
05:20 Run!
05:20 Run, run!
05:23 (whistles)
05:26 Look at the batter, boy.
05:30 Watch the ball.
05:32 Huh?
05:33 What?
05:34 Hey, don't look at me.
05:36 Keep your eye on the ball.
05:38 Keep my eye on the what?
05:40 Stop looking at me, boy.
05:42 Watch the ball.
05:43 Can't hear you, Dad.
05:45 (crowd cheering)
05:48 Don't worry, Bobby, you played a good game.
05:52 I gotta stop in here for a minute
05:55 and get me some WD-40 and a tap and die.
05:59 (phone ringing)
06:02 - Manager to register 47C.
06:06 - I hate this place.
06:10 Excuse me, where's the hardware department?
06:13 Where is the hardware department?
06:16 What exactly is it you're looking for?
06:21 - The hardware department.
06:23 - Yeah, but are you looking for like a tool or something?
06:26 - What difference does it make?
06:28 - Huh, what difference does it make?
06:31 - Okay, I'm looking for a tap and die and some WD-40.
06:35 - Huh, what is it that you're trying to do?
06:38 - I'm trying to buy a tap and die and some WD-40
06:43 and get out of this God forsaken store.
06:46 - Ah, and what is a tap and die?
06:49 - Okay, forget it.
06:50 Let's say I want a hammer.
06:52 Do you know what a hammer is?
06:54 That's what I want, a damned hammer.
06:57 Now where in the hell would I go?
07:00 - Hey, that's that Hank Hill fellow
07:01 that lives on the block next to us.
07:03 - He sure has a temper, doesn't he?
07:05 - Sure does.
07:06 Makes you wonder who gave his boy that black eye.
07:08 (glass shattering)
07:10 - You're gonna have to pay for that, dude.
07:12 You're fired!
07:13 - Huh, Alice says she saw Hank Hill, son.
07:17 - Really, well I heard he threatened
07:19 to clerk at Meglamart with a hammer.
07:21 - Did you hear about Hank Hill?
07:23 He beat up his son and then some ladies
07:25 in Meglamart tried to stop him and he beat them up too.
07:28 - Well, somebody really ought to report him
07:30 for the boy's sake.
07:31 - You say he hit his son with a bat?
07:34 No, that is definitely not acceptable.
07:37 I wish I could, ma'am, but the regulations say
07:40 we can't take custody of the boy without an interview.
07:43 Don't you worry, he's in the system now.
07:45 I am on my way.
07:47 - Ah.
07:51 - Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck.
07:54 It's your quote unquote pollution controls.
07:58 I heard on talk radio you don't even need 'em.
08:01 They're just an egghead government plot.
08:03 - How is cutting down on pollution a government plot, Dale?
08:07 - Open up your eyes, man.
08:09 They're trying to control global warming.
08:12 Get it?
08:13 Global.
08:14 - So what?
08:16 - That's code for UN commissars telling Americans
08:19 what temperature it's gonna be in our outdoors.
08:22 I say let the world warm up.
08:24 See what Boutros Boutros golly golly thinks about that.
08:29 We'll grow oranges in Alaska.
08:31 - Dale, you giblet head.
08:34 We live in Texas.
08:35 It's already 110 in the summer
08:38 and if it gets one degree hotter,
08:40 I'm gonna kick your ass.
08:42 What in God's name is that thumping sound?
08:47 - Bobby, why don't you go out and help your daddy?
08:52 You have been watching way too much TV, son.
08:54 Come on, come on Bobby up.
08:57 No more TV.
08:58 Turn it off now.
08:59 Oh, oh God, I love that poor man.
09:05 Oh!
09:08 There, that's better.
09:10 (doorbell rings)
09:17 - Hello, I'm a social worker with the state.
09:22 Would you mind if I talk to you for a minute?
09:24 - Well sure, come on in.
09:25 - Damn it, there it is again.
09:29 Where is that thumping coming from?
09:32 It's driving me crazy.
09:33 - Could be far off helicopters.
09:37 - You win, helicopters.
09:39 - Dale, what are you doing?
09:41 Give me some light.
09:42 Now, I can't see.
09:44 (yells)
09:45 My arm!
09:46 (thuds)
09:47 My head!
09:47 Ow!
09:48 (yells)
09:50 - Mrs. Hill, would you say your husband has a bad temper?
09:55 - Who, Hank?
09:56 No, Hank is as gentle as a lamb.
09:59 - No more bouncing that ball!
10:05 - Hi, we have a visitor.
10:07 (upbeat music)
10:10 - So your assertion, Mr. Hill,
10:14 is that Bobby got the black eye at his baseball game?
10:17 - That's not my assertion.
10:19 That's what happened.
10:21 - Have you ever hit your son, Mr. Hill?
10:23 - No.
10:24 What the heck are you writing?
10:29 All you got to write is one word, no.
10:32 - Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming
10:34 from an anger mindset.
10:36 And if you're projecting this anger onto me,
10:38 it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate
10:41 your son's growth in private.
10:43 - Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you.
10:48 - Mrs. Hill, how did you get this here on your forehead?
10:51 - Oh, this?
10:52 Well, Bobby threw his baseball at me.
10:54 - You threw a baseball at your mother?
10:56 - Oh, Hank, it was an accident.
10:58 - So would this be the same baseball
11:01 that gave Bobby the black eye?
11:03 - Uh, Dale, you sure you won't be messing
11:06 with Hank's truck when he's not around?
11:08 - I'm gonna help get him this alternator off.
11:11 - Uh, Dale, I think you released the brake cable.
11:16 Dale!
11:17 - No, I didn't.
11:18 I guess I better get going.
11:24 I got some edging to do.
11:25 - Do you work outside the home, Mrs. Hill?
11:30 - Well, yes, I do.
11:31 I'm a substitute Spanish teacher.
11:34 Los estudiantes son mis amigos.
11:37 - And you just have the one son?
11:39 - Uh-huh.
11:40 Yeah, well, we would have liked to have more kids,
11:42 but Hank has a narrow urethra.
11:45 - Peggy!
11:46 - In fact, Hank's sperm count--
11:48 - That's enough!
11:49 What in the hell did you tell him that for?
11:52 - Well, he asked me.
11:53 - He asked you how many kids we have.
11:55 He didn't ask you about my glands.
11:58 - Please, Mr. Hill, loud is not allowed.
12:02 - What the?
12:03 Loud is not allowed?
12:05 Now, you listen to me, mister.
12:07 I work for a living, and I mean real work,
12:10 not writing down gobbledygook.
12:13 I provide the people of this community
12:16 with propane and propane accessories.
12:19 Oh, when I think of all my hard-earned tax dollars
12:23 going to pay a bunch of little twig boy bureaucrats like you,
12:28 it just makes me wanna--
12:30 Oh, oh, God, it just--
12:32 - Hank?
12:34 - Honey, bring me my BC headache powder
12:38 and a glass of water.
12:39 - All right, Hank.
12:41 - Now, you listen here.
12:43 You see that boy?
12:44 That's my boy.
12:46 And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God,
12:50 I'll tear you a new one bigger than the Grand Canyon.
12:54 Now, I want you to get out of my house.
12:57 You're not welcome here.
12:59 I mean now, before I give you a black eye.
13:02 Get--
13:03 - You wanna know about old Hank?
13:09 Well, Hank's got a lot of problems.
13:13 Hey, baby, how about a couple of beers?
13:17 - Sorry, should, gotta go.
13:18 I got another migraine treatment with John Redcorn.
13:21 - Nancy, you've been going to that healer for 12 years,
13:24 and you still get headaches every night.
13:27 - Healing process takes time, honey.
13:30 ♪ Come on, baby, do your tumor dance ♪
13:33 - Getting back to the Hill family,
13:34 have you ever seen Hank hit his child, Bobby?
13:37 - Hank?
13:38 No, sir, Bobby's his pride and joy
13:41 'cause of his narrow urethra.
13:44 (baby crying)
13:46 - Are you absolutely sure?
13:47 - 100%.
13:48 You can ask my son.
13:50 He's Bobby's best friend.
13:52 Joseph!
13:53 - What is it, Daddy?
13:55 - You ever seen Hank hit Bobby?
13:57 - Nuh-uh, never.
13:58 - See?
13:59 Now you can just move along now.
14:03 - I've been calling y'all people better than a month now,
14:05 grab back y'all every time that dang old dog crossed the street
14:07 started yapping the jaw 24 hours a day,
14:10 and nobody answered.
14:12 You called, how you supposed to come out there
14:14 and do anything about that dog
14:15 if you're just gonna get a dang old computer
14:17 and ain't gonna come over here
14:17 and just shut that dang old dog up?
14:20 - And then some weirdo came over
14:22 and was asking us a bunch of questions.
14:25 - Yeah, he asked me if your dad ever whooped you.
14:29 - He hasn't, right?
14:30 - Of course not.
14:31 You know my dad, he's all bark.
14:35 Boy, that guy got him mad, though.
14:37 My dad was like,
14:39 "Get out of my house, my boy ain't much,
14:43 "but he's all I got."
14:45 (laughing)
14:47 - You did great impressing.
14:50 - Let me try.
14:51 I'll tear you a new one.
14:54 When I get my hands on you, you little pea brain,
14:59 I'll bust your butt into little pieces.
15:03 - Oh, I knew it.
15:05 - Good God, Peggy, this was on my road and track.
15:10 - Luann, Luann, honey, can we talk to you?
15:14 - Oh, wait, wait, not while I'm here.
15:16 - Mama's in jail.
15:19 She was saving a quart of beer from before bed,
15:22 and Daddy threw it out, and she went after him with a fork,
15:25 and the trailer tipped over,
15:26 and everything went upside down,
15:28 and it's all gonna be on Real Stories of the Highway Patrol,
15:31 and the wig I styled for Beauty Academy is ruined.
15:35 What am I gonna do, Uncle Hank?
15:39 - There, there, you can stay with us
15:44 'til your mama comes home,
15:46 and you'll style a new wig better than before.
15:51 I'll let you use my tools.
15:54 - Oh, thanks, Uncle Hank.
15:56 - She has got to go.
16:01 (doorbell rings)
16:04 - Bobby, Bobby, are you all right?
16:06 Come on out.
16:07 - I thought I told you to get lost.
16:09 - Come on, Bobby.
16:11 I can put you with a nice foster family in North Ireland
16:14 where you can develop healthy life adaptations,
16:17 and they've got a pool.
16:19 - Honey, let's give 'em Luanne.
16:21 Hey, I got a girl in here you can take right now.
16:24 - Don't you wanna live in a house with a pool?
16:27 - No.
16:28 - See, twig boy?
16:30 Now get your skinny butt off of my property.
16:33 - Bobby, I know you can't talk in front of him.
16:37 - I said get, get, get outta here.
16:40 - You are out of control.
16:42 - You're out of control, Twiggy.
16:44 (tires screeching)
16:47 - Thanks for the latte, Kenneth.
16:52 - Anthony, could I see you a minute?
16:55 So on this Hill family case,
16:57 you couldn't confirm any actual abuse,
16:59 but you still recommended the state take custody?
17:02 - Oh, yeah.
17:03 I mean, the whole neighborhood was Redneck City.
17:06 Did you see in the report how he dented my G.O.?
17:09 - Redneck City, that's pretty funny.
17:12 Where are you from, son?
17:13 - Los Angeles.
17:15 - Hmm.
17:16 Yeah, see here, hit by baseball.
17:19 So how did you like old Harvey?
17:23 - Who's Harvey?
17:26 - Oh, he's a little league coach.
17:28 You did talk to the little league coach, didn't you?
17:31 (Zod grunts)
17:32 (Zod laughs)
17:34 (tires screeching)
17:36 Zod, have you lost your mind?
17:41 - Wait, Dad.
17:43 You're not supposed to yell at me anymore.
17:45 The guy from the state said,
17:47 "Your hostility invalidates our parent-child contract."
17:52 - You're quoting that twig boy at me?
17:56 - Hi, the neighbors.
17:58 Remember, he said, "Loud is not allowed, Dad,
18:02 "or they'll take me away."
18:04 (Zod grunts)
18:06 - Oh, God.
18:07 (Zod laughs)
18:11 (phone ringing)
18:13 - Hello?
18:13 - Is this the Hill residence?
18:15 Who am I talking to?
18:17 - Bobby Hill.
18:18 - Well, son, this is the state social services.
18:21 We're calling off our investigation of your father.
18:24 The worker that visited you will be leaving the office
18:27 and going back to LA.
18:29 Now, you please tell your parents
18:30 we apologize for the misunderstanding.
18:33 - Okay, I'll tell 'em.
18:35 Bye.
18:36 - Bobby, who was that?
18:37 - Wrong number.
18:41 (upbeat music)
18:44 (Zod humming)
18:49 - I borrowed your truck this morning, Uncle Hank.
19:02 It wouldn't start at first 'cause you had a clogged fuel line
19:04 but I blew it clean.
19:05 - Hmm.
19:10 Hey, Bobby, go plug this in the garage for me.
19:13 - Okay.
19:14 Wanna see something cool?
19:21 - What in the heck?
19:27 Don't you see I'm working here?
19:28 Close the dang door.
19:30 Bob, just keep put...
19:33 Stop, stop hitting that button.
19:35 Give me that thing.
19:36 - Dad, that's not respectful adult child growth dialogue.
19:41 - I'll give you dialogue
19:43 that's not coming from a center of anger.
19:47 Please return the garage door
19:49 to its factory preset down position.
19:53 - That is cool.
19:57 (upbeat music)
20:01 - Bobby, hey!
20:05 Please respect my fences right to be a fence.
20:10 Now!
20:13 (children laughing)
20:18 (Zod yelling)
20:21 - Freak.
20:35 - What on God's green earth
20:37 are you making those noises for?
20:38 - They're sound effects.
20:40 Like that guy in police academy.
20:42 That's what I'm gonna do when I grow up, I decided.
20:45 And dad can't say boo about it.
20:48 - Bobby, a man from the child protective services
20:51 just came by.
20:52 Now, he said that he told you last week
20:55 that this investigation was off.
20:58 - Oh.
20:59 Please don't tell dad.
21:02 - Well son, I have to, he's been worried.
21:05 - But I like him better this way.
21:07 - How come?
21:08 - I can make him love me even when I screw up.
21:11 - Is that what you think?
21:14 - It's hard Peggy.
21:20 I don't wanna lose my little boy, my only son.
21:24 But oh, it's hard.
21:27 - Well, you can relax.
21:28 The investigation has been off for a week.
21:31 Only Bobby didn't tell us.
21:34 - I'll kill him.
21:35 - All right, calm down honey.
21:36 Now let me explain.
21:38 He didn't do it to be mean.
21:40 Bobby honestly doesn't think
21:41 that you love him all the time.
21:43 - That's crazy, of course I love him.
21:45 - Very good.
21:46 Now, say it to Bobby.
21:48 - What are you talking about?
21:49 - I want you to tell Bobby
21:51 that your love for him is unconditional.
21:54 - Well, I can't say that.
21:56 I can't.
21:57 You know how I was raised, what my father's like.
22:01 I got my shin blown off by a Japan man's machine gun.
22:06 So don't come crying to me with your problems.
22:08 - Honey, I'm begging you.
22:12 For the sake of this family, you have got to do it.
22:15 He's waiting for you out on the porch.
22:18 - Oh, geez.
22:19 I think the toy boy comes over here and we got to...
22:28 - You, you're my son.
22:32 Well, you know, with everything that entails.
22:38 You know, feelings of fondness and more.
22:49 You know what I mean, don't you boy?
22:54 - No.
22:57 - Well, that's a hell of a weird sound.
23:01 I never made that before.
23:03 You, family.
23:09 You're not making this easy on me, boy.
23:15 Okay.
23:19 I love you no matter what you do there.
23:21 Let's go get something to eat.
23:24 - I'm not just a big disappointment to you.
23:29 - Disappointment?
23:30 No, you make me proud.
23:33 I've been disappointed by just about everything else
23:36 in this town, but you, not once.
23:39 Damn it, you're my boy.
23:41 You know better than that.
23:43 - He punched him.
23:47 I knew it.
23:48 I told him.
23:49 Did you see that?
23:49 - See what, big boy?
23:51 - Nevermind.
23:54 (water splashing)
23:57 (upbeat music)
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