King Of The Hill S02E07 The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteberg
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FunTranscript
00:00 [Birds chirping]
00:13 Hey, wait a minute. There, one of the leaves just moved.
00:18 You're shoving it with the nozzle, Bill.
00:21 Well, that's what you get for buying a Japanese leaf blower.
00:26 It's built for blowing those little bonsai bushes and cherry blossoms.
00:31 For crying out loud, it's 5.30.
00:35 Will you punks turn off that record maker?
00:38 It's called a leaf blower, pops.
00:41 Runs on a newfangled device called the gasoline engine.
00:46 What the hell's wrong with using a rake, you lazy punks?
00:51 A rake, you say? I never heard of a rake. Have you, Bill?
00:56 Uh, nope. Must have been before our time.
00:59 Yeah, man, I tell you what, man. I seen a dang old rake over there down in the Smithsonian, man.
01:05 Right next to Lincoln's head, under the arched chair, man.
01:07 In the dang old caveman section.
01:09 Don't you gossip me, Jimmy Dean. I'll set my dog on you.
01:13 [Dog whines]
01:15 [Birds chirping]
01:19 See ya, pops.
01:20 Keep watching Touched by an Angel.
01:25 [Music]
01:30 [Music]
01:34 [Bell ringing]
01:47 [Music]
01:58 Heh heh. Here comes the shut-in.
02:02 Lucky kid. The doctor says getting chicken pox at the age of 12 could cause sterility in weaker children.
02:11 My Joseph better not be sterile. I need my seed to live on.
02:17 Certain plans of mine require additional gribbles.
02:22 Bobby, I'm proud of you.
02:24 Getting over the chicken pox is a milestone. So to celebrate, you can do anything you want.
02:31 How 'bout we go to the Family Fun Center?
02:35 Yay! The Family Fun Center.
02:39 They have go-karts and ski ball and mini... [Gasp] golf.
02:46 I like their blood pressure machine. Can we, Dad?
02:51 [Music]
02:54 Oh, boy. There goes that rock band again.
02:58 Ugh. That's not rock. It's okay if you only know three chords, but, God, put 'em in the right order.
03:06 That noise has been giving Nancy headaches all week. Then yesterday, her back broke out in scratch marks.
03:14 Well, I'll go over and straighten 'em out.
03:18 [Music]
03:34 Ugh. Yuck. I wonder if that music is what killed this grass.
03:40 [Music]
03:43 Uh, fellas, could I have your attention, please?
03:48 Wow. Kane Skredeberg. You're that 12th grader who put "Done" on all the stop signs.
03:55 Peace.
03:56 Wow.
03:57 Fellas, my name is Hank Hill, and I'm the block captain.
04:01 Now, it's not that I don't like music. It's just that I don't like music.
04:06 I don't like music.
04:07 Hey, now, cut that out. This is serious.
04:11 Oh, my Lord. You've got five plugs in one outlet here. Does your father know you're doing this?
04:19 My dad's dead.
04:21 Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know. My, uh, condolences. Does your mother know you're doing this?
04:28 My mom's in prison for killing my dad.
04:32 Okay, I get it. You're joking. Well, I've got a sense of humor. I laugh at Tony Danza.
04:38 Of course, if you aren't joking, I feel bad, and I apologize.
04:42 I laugh at Tony Danza.
04:44 I laugh at Tony Danza.
04:46 I laugh at Tony Danza.
04:48 All right, that's it. I'm gonna count to three.
04:51 One, two, three.
04:52 [Music]
04:54 the fun center! (I'm not horsin' around here!) Lucky for you, I don't have time for this
05:02 right now! Come on, Bobby, let's go to the fun center! (Fun center, fun center, fun center,
05:10 fun center!) Fun center, fun center, fun center, fun center, fun center, fun center!
05:32 Please, Dad, can we please play paintball? Now, hold on a minute. Let's see, they give
05:39 you kids guns and let you shoot at each other? Yeah, okay.
05:46 Kids will be out there an hour or two. We can get in some nice, relaxed...
05:57 Ball guy! Dad, these older guys cornered us in a hole
06:04 and they kept firing and firing. They made us eat leaves!
06:17 What? Who did this to you? Kane Skredeberg!
06:25 Yeah, I'm a singer. Got my own band. Playing next week at the park and ride.
06:32 Wow, this is a really good Xerox of you. Hey, you! What is wrong with you picking on
06:39 little kids like that? How would you like it if someone bigger and stronger shot you
06:45 up, you little freak? Kane Skredeberg has never been shot.
06:51 And the first guy to do it's not going to be some fat old desk jockey.
06:56 Desk jockey? Hey, I am a finely tuned ex-high school athlete. I spent four years holding
07:03 guys like you upside down over toilets. I don't care how many guys you held in the
07:08 men's room. You still can't beat us. What do you say, you want to teach some punks
07:14 a little respect? Oh, yeah! Very little.
07:19 Okay, your goal is to capture the blue flag from over there and bring it back here. When
07:25 you get hit, you're dead. Alright, men. Let's paint some ass.
07:32 I think we're closing in on them. Only talk if you have something important to say.
07:43 Hey, I got some important news in the mail this morning. Did you know that thanks to
07:50 Colonial Valley, I can purchase term life insurance for only pennies a month? Boy, I'm
07:55 glad I opened that immediately. You got to do it, Bill.
07:59 I can't afford not to. This is it, guys. Everybody hunker down.
08:12 Okay, men. This is no time to go easy on these punks. That's a mistake their parents made.
08:19 Hey, they're over here! I heard the ball guy split his pants! Drop
08:22 your weapons or suffer the consequences! What? We lost the game already?
08:29 March, prisoners! Now, wait a minute. No one told us anything
08:37 about prisoners. Where's that damn ref? Attention, golfers! We have captured your
08:44 comrades! Hey, Hank. Hey, keep your eyes on the ball.
08:52 Nothing going on here. Just teaching some punks a lesson.
08:56 That's my dad. On your knees, prisoners!
09:02 That's the rules. You're not cheaters, are you?
09:09 These kind of games go back and forth like basketball. They're in the lead now, but we're
09:16 coming back. Wait a minute. You can't just execute my men.
09:26 Later, pops. Pops?
09:33 God, how humiliating.
09:53 Later, pops.
09:55 Good afternoon, everybody.
10:12 Who wants a cold one? You want a cold one? I've got some cold ones here. They're cold.
10:22 That sure is cold, all right. Maybe I should have brought mittens.
10:29 How long are we going to keep up this false charade?
10:48 Charade, man? I tell you what, man. My damn words pronounce "charade."
10:53 I need a cold one. You want a cold one? Here's a cold one for
10:58 you. Here's a cold one for you. Here's a cold one for you. I hope you're all happy.
11:03 There's no cold ones left for me. Open up your eyes, man. You're holding a beer.
11:09 Oh, you call this beer? Guatemalaca? Who bought this stuff?
11:15 Not me. Of course not, Bill. Buy a beer? No need to do that when you've got friends to mooch off of.
11:22 Hey, hey, hey, some friends you are. When my wife left me because I was lazy and dependent, did even one of you find me a new one? No.
11:31 Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. I can't stand fighting.
11:36 Yeah, we know that. You showed that on the paintball field.
11:39 I am not a coward.
11:45 I ain't no bully, man, yo.
11:54 Ah, what are you doing? I'm helping Bobby look like Kane.
12:01 He's so cool. He said I could be the stubborn, stanzas, groupie.
12:06 The word is roadie, Bobby. He meant roadie. At least I hope to God.
12:14 Oh, Hank, for goodness sake, just put on your glasses.
12:24 Only old people need glasses to read. I use mine to drive and run and jump.
12:34 Hank, I am giving you a look.
12:40 Uh, okay.
12:44 (Humming)
12:52 (Groaning)
12:56 (Gunshots)
12:59 (Screaming)
13:04 (Screaming)
13:09 (Screaming)
13:14 (Screaming)
13:19 (Screaming)
13:24 (Screaming)
13:29 (Screaming)
13:34 (Screaming)
13:39 (Gasping)
13:44 (Screaming)
13:49 (Screaming)
13:54 Hank!
13:55 (Screaming)
13:56 What is it?
13:58 Those kids. I can't take it anymore.
14:01 So tell them to knock it off.
14:03 Who, me? I've already got my slippers off. Maybe you should tell them.
14:10 Hank, have you forgotten who you are? You are Hank Freaking Hill.
14:17 The man who won the Texas Propane Association Blue Flame of Valor Award.
14:22 The man who drove raccoon after raccoon out of our attic armed only with a broom handle and a pillow case.
14:29 And the man whose sperm struggled through that tiny urethra God cursed you with to create our wonderful son.
14:36 Now, you go back out there and get yourself a rematch.
14:41 You really think we could beat him this time?
14:44 Well, I know a few raccoons who'd say Hank Hill can do anything he puts his mind to.
14:51 Uh, anything?
14:57 (Gasping)
15:00 Dad, the raccoons are back!
15:05 Rematch? I thought we agreed never to discuss the horrors that we saw on the killing fields of the Fun Center.
15:12 This is not over. We're not losers and we're not quitters.
15:17 Those paintballs really hurt, don't they?
15:21 I mean, I'm just saying what everybody thinks, right?
15:24 The way I see it, we're at a critical moment here.
15:27 Is this when we start turning into the weird old guys of the block who can't open up their doors without finding a flaming fudge bag on the mat?
15:38 Or do we fight back?
15:40 Yeah, let's fight.
15:42 We fight back a lot hard, too.
15:45 Let's fight, man.
15:47 (Screaming)
15:53 (Footsteps)
16:00 Rematch, tomorrow, noon. If you got any guts, you'll be there.
16:06 Sorry, Pops. My car broke down.
16:10 (Groans)
16:12 (Engine starts)
16:15 Rematch, tomorrow, noon. If you've got any guts, you'll be there.
16:21 (Screaming)
16:26 (Music)
16:32 Well, at least this time one of us got a shot off.
16:36 Sorry, Bill.
16:39 (Music)
16:51 Mm-hmm.
16:53 Yep-er.
16:55 Yep.
16:58 (Sighs)
16:59 Yep.
17:01 Yes, sir-ee.
17:03 Then it's agreed. We're old.
17:06 Ah, get used to it. You're in for the downhill ride of your life.
17:12 Hey, you know, with Colonial Valley, you can get $40,000 in stroke coverage just for signing up.
17:19 That's not jump change.
17:21 Yeah, and you can never be denied coverage based on what you eat.
17:26 Well, I guess I better check this out. It's never too early to think about dying.
17:32 (Screaming)
17:34 Somebody needs a touch-up.
17:36 (Gunshots)
17:40 Those damn kids. We said we were old. What do they want from us?
17:46 It's always just kids having their fun, Hank.
17:50 Don't try to figure them out. They can't be figured.
17:54 Just shake your fist at them like this. They won't come back.
17:59 (Music)
18:08 All right, ladies.
18:10 (Groaning)
18:12 I thought you said they wouldn't come back.
18:15 Hey, if I could understand teenagers, I wouldn't get my mailbox knocked over every week.
18:21 Hmm. Hey, maybe that's it.
18:24 What's it?
18:26 If we don't want to end up feeble and helpless like Pops, we've got to do what he never did.
18:33 Understand the mind of a teenager. Observe its habits. Learn its ways.
18:39 That's how we beat those punks.
18:43 Yeah! Yeah!
18:45 Who's Pops?
18:47 (Laughing)
18:59 Teenagers can be so cruel.
19:04 Okay, pimples, hop on up.
19:07 Buckley, I'm going to Kane's concert as his special guest, not his girlfriend.
19:13 I don't know. I don't trust this guy.
19:16 Well, if you're so worried, come with me.
19:19 Kane told me to bring a friend for the drummer.
19:22 Oh, you mean it?
19:24 Oh, stock boy, we need some sugar in aisle three.
19:31 (Groaning)
19:34 Oh, snap!
19:37 Teenagers are clumsy around girls.
19:41 (Humming)
19:43 (Music playing)
19:51 Hey, jerkwad, you sprayed poison on my veggie wrap.
19:56 Teenagers show no respect for a man in uniform.
20:03 Hey, Pops, how did you know to find us here?
20:07 Well, it's a school day, isn't it?
20:09 So, you ready for a fresh coat?
20:12 (Laughing)
20:13 You boys seem pretty sure of yourselves. Maybe you'd like to put a little wager on today's match.
20:19 Well, what do you have in mind?
20:22 Let's make the stakes high for both of us.
20:25 You put up your amplifier, and I'll put up Bill's leaf blower.
20:30 All right. You got a deal.
20:33 (Music playing)
20:48 (Music playing)
20:53 Guys, guys, where are you?
20:57 Ow! Oh! I twisted my ankle.
21:01 Time out! Time out, everyone!
21:06 Guys, seriously, I give up. Don't shoot.
21:11 Uncle?
21:12 Ow!
21:13 (Laughing)
21:17 (Gun cocks)
21:21 Ow!
21:22 (Grunting)
21:23 You were right, Bill. Teenagers are cruel.
21:27 They'll pick on the slowest, heaviest...
21:30 Well, the important thing is you were right, Bill.
21:33 I still don't see why I had to be the decoy.
21:36 Oh, you were gonna get shot anyway.
21:40 Still.
21:41 (Music playing)
21:43 Hi, it's Luan. How you doing?
21:45 What, me?
21:48 Leave a message after the beep.
21:51 Beep.
21:52 (Gunshot)
21:53 Beep!
21:54 (Laughing)
21:56 Beep, beep, beep!
21:58 Beep!
21:59 (Gunshots)
22:00 God, man, they gotta watch that friendly fire.
22:03 Man, you're gonna live to frag me like a dang old...
22:06 I can't help it. They trained me too well.
22:10 I am the most efficient killing machine the world has ever...
22:15 Ow.
22:16 Three down and...
22:21 One to go.
22:23 (Music playing)
22:32 (Music playing)
22:49 Hey, did you see some pot-bellied old guy with loser glasses come up the past year?
22:55 Uh, sure. He's traveling up the creek bed to cover his tracks.
23:01 Oh, and, uh, young fella, you lose.
23:06 (Gunshots)
23:07 (Screaming)
23:08 (Gunshots)
23:12 (Laughing)
23:14 Hey, his scoop's bigger.
23:17 I think you're gonna enjoy the world of acoustics.
23:21 (Music playing)
23:29 (Music playing)
23:40 This sucks.
23:44 Who could that be?
23:47 Good Lord, that could start a fire.
23:52 (Laughing)
23:56 Now what's happening?
23:58 He's stompin' it good.
24:01 And there's doodies in there, right?
24:03 There sure is, pops. There sure is.
24:07 (Music playing)
24:15 (Music playing)
24:30 (Music playing)
24:37 (Bell ringing)
24:38 (Music playing)
24:48 Yeah!