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00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (upbeat music)
00:10 (upbeat music)
00:15 (upbeat music)
00:19 (bell ringing)
00:23 (upbeat music)
00:31 (air whooshing)
00:34 - All right, Bobby, why don't you read
00:36 that Sunday school report to me like I'm a customer
00:39 and you're trying to win my business?
00:42 - Okay.
00:43 The man I admire most is my dad, Hank Hill.
00:47 He sells propane and propane accessories.
00:52 - I like it already, son.
00:54 You've grabbed my attention and got me eager for more.
00:58 - Howdy, Hank!
01:00 - Mr. Strickland?
01:01 - What you got there, old top?
01:05 The man I most admire, my daddy.
01:08 Oh, you got that right, Bobby.
01:10 15 years I've promoted him 15 times
01:14 all the way to assistant manager.
01:15 You should be proud, son.
01:19 You're a seed.
01:20 - I'm my daddy's seed.
01:24 - Hank, I got a grunt.
01:25 Let's take a little meeting in the back.
01:28 Bobby, here's the key to the matcha-dime gumball machine.
01:33 All you can eat.
01:34 Hank, you ever heard of Holloway Hollows?
01:42 - Isn't that that new development
01:43 that promises country club living at price club prices?
01:47 - Yeah, that's the one.
01:49 They're gonna need a propane supplier.
01:52 Holloway himself is coming down here
01:54 from Boston to check us out.
01:56 - This one is big, Hank.
01:59 Here's your sales kit.
02:00 - Rental car keys?
02:05 - Big old caddy.
02:07 Yankees eat that stuff up
02:09 like a baby at his mama's mall shop.
02:11 - What the heck is this?
02:15 - Well, that's one of them new
02:16 counterfeit-proof Benny Franklin hundred dollar bills.
02:19 - Sir, this is Hank Hill you're talking to.
02:23 I'm not gonna need all that James Bond stuff
02:25 to make the deal.
02:27 - Well, Hank, I don't wanna sneeze
02:29 doing your backswing,
02:31 but we got some competition.
02:33 M.F. Fatherton.
02:35 - Fatherton?
02:37 - Sorry to call a meeting in the skunk works, boys.
02:47 I promise not to make a habit of it.
02:54 - Boy, Fatherton, those are some pretty tough sales quotas.
02:57 I tell you what.
02:58 - You wanna meet the quota?
03:00 Take some propane to an old age home.
03:02 Tell 'em it's oxygen.
03:04 - You can't do that to old people.
03:06 (laughing)
03:07 - Aren't you the company man?
03:09 You see, that's the difference between us.
03:12 You're a worker bee and I'm a queen.
03:15 - Say, huh?
03:16 - I'm going out on my own.
03:18 Fatherton Fuels.
03:20 I already signed Strickland's top three accounts.
03:23 - Well, you've got one heck of a nerve
03:25 plotting against a man while his seat's still warm.
03:29 - Take a good look around, Hank,
03:31 'cause you ain't going nowhere.
03:33 - Well, that's where you're wrong.
03:35 You can count on me, sir.
03:38 I appreciate your vote of confidence,
03:40 and I just wanna--
03:41 - Hank, a little privacy, do you mind?
03:43 (upbeat music)
03:49 (upbeat music)
03:52 - Oh, look at this.
04:01 Long, even.
04:02 It's like, it's so big.
04:05 - Look at the size of old Ben Franklin's head.
04:10 He truly was the homely genius.
04:13 - Well, take a good look,
04:14 'cause it's going back to Strickland on Monday.
04:17 - But aren't you supposed to spend it on your big client?
04:19 - When have I ever needed a three-figure
04:21 entertainment budget to sell propane?
04:25 I'm gonna close this deal the same way I always do.
04:28 A cup of coffee, a slice of pie, and a handshake.
04:33 And if I hit a snag, pie a la mode.
04:36 (horn honking)
04:40 Would you stop that?
04:42 That horn is for highway emergency use only.
04:45 And you two, get off.
04:46 I've gotta return this pimp mobile in the same condition.
04:50 - Oh.
04:53 - Why you have silly cow car, Hank?
04:55 - Hank's entertaining a business prospect
04:58 from the East, Mr. Kahn.
05:00 - Oh, I see.
05:01 Hank suck up to make sale.
05:03 - Kahn, I have never had to suck up to make a sale,
05:07 and I never will.
05:08 - What do you suppose the Holloways look like?
05:14 - You know, those Boston types,
05:16 probably small, pale, and wearing panty loafers.
05:19 - Put her there, partner.
05:23 - Mr. Holloway?
05:24 - Is a prom dress tight after a six-pack?
05:27 (Hank laughing)
05:28 Which way to your Cadillac?
05:31 - This one is in the bag.
05:32 - How'd you like to freshen up with a nice hot towel?
05:38 - Oh, and here's one for you.
05:41 - Dang, these are Texas-sized hot towels.
05:44 - You know, Peggy heated these towels
05:46 on our propane-powered Hot Point range.
05:50 Did a great job, I'll tell you what.
05:52 - I'll tell you what.
05:55 I like that.
05:56 I'm gonna say it while I'm here.
05:57 (Hank laughing)
05:58 - Well, I'd like to tell you what Strickland can do
06:03 to meet your energy needs.
06:05 You see, at Strickland, the customer comes first.
06:08 It's kind of interesting,
06:10 the word customer begins with C-U.
06:13 Well, we don't see you as just another sale,
06:17 but as a member of our team.
06:19 (Hank groaning)
06:22 - Pie.
06:27 - Do you like pie?
06:31 - I do.
06:32 - They got the best pie in town here, Mr. Holloway,
06:39 and it's cooked with Strickland propane, too.
06:43 - Hey, look, there's a real old Texas jukebox,
06:46 just like in the last picture show.
06:49 - What do you have, Hank?
06:50 Salesman's special?
06:51 - Yes, ma'am.
06:53 Three slices of pecan pie and two cups of coffee.
06:57 - And three scoops of ice cream.
06:59 - Now, hold on, son.
07:01 Let me let you in on a little salesman trick.
07:05 Don't start off with ice cream right away,
07:08 'cause if you run into a hitch, you got no place to go.
07:11 - What kind of Texas jukebox is that, for crying out loud?
07:15 It doesn't even have the theme from Dallas.
07:17 - Mr. Holloway, I won't beat around the bush.
07:20 There's 14 reasons to go with Strickland propane.
07:24 (Hank humming)
07:26 14 very compelling reasons.
07:32 ♪ J.I., J.I., he's a really bad guy ♪
07:37 ♪ Who lives on a ranch with his mom ♪
07:41 Say, I'm gonna call you J.I. from now on.
07:45 - Howdy, Hank.
07:48 Ain't you gonna introduce me
07:50 to your golden-throated friend here?
07:52 - Sure, I'll introduce you.
07:55 Mr. Holloway, this is the only man ever censured
08:00 by the Texas Propane Association
08:03 for lewdness and conduct unbecoming a propane salesman.
08:07 - M.F. Fatherton, Fatherton Fuels.
08:10 - Dang, glad to meet ya, M.F.
08:13 - The M.F. stands for--
08:15 - My friend, 'cause at Fatherton Fuels,
08:17 we're everybody's friend,
08:19 and we wanna be your friend too, Mr. Holloway.
08:21 Who's this, Hank?
08:24 Your district sales manager?
08:25 - I'm his son, Bobby.
08:27 I'm waiting for my pie.
08:30 - I can see you get your sense of humor from your daddy.
08:33 - He gets a sense of humor from both his parents.
08:35 Thank you very much.
08:37 - Pleasure meeting you, Holloway.
08:39 I'll let old Hank get on with his 14 reasons speech.
08:43 - Bobby, you can tell your Sunday school class
08:47 that you met a real Texan today.
08:50 M.F. Fatherton.
08:52 - Joe Tiffany, you better make that pie a la mode.
09:00 (upbeat music)
09:03 (crickets chirping)
09:06 - Under your very feet, Mr. Holloway,
09:09 is what's called the Propane Crossroads.
09:12 It's the only place in the world
09:14 you can straddle the East and West Pipelines.
09:18 You want Texas, Mr. Holloway, this is Texas.
09:23 - Where are the oil wells?
09:24 Where are the ratless?
09:26 J.R., I wanna buy a six shooter.
09:30 (crickets chirping)
09:33 - Careful now, this Frito Pie is spicy, spicy, spicy.
09:37 - Mm, oh.
09:40 Mm, oh, that's yummy, yes, it's wonderful.
09:44 But Peggy, you shouldn't make such a fuss over me.
09:47 I just want you to be yourself while I'm here.
09:50 - That is the only gal I know how to be.
09:52 - I told you nicely to buy me a gun.
09:56 - Well, I know it's always fun to take home a keepsake,
10:00 but your time is so valuable.
10:02 - Phew, look at all this nothing.
10:06 What's the suicide rate out here?
10:08 - Uh, do you mean right here?
10:10 'Cause this is where Holloway Hollows is going up.
10:13 - Something's wrong.
10:16 - Yeah, it's the darn unions.
10:18 Come on, boys, finish up them little debbies
10:21 and get back to work.
10:22 - No, no, something's wrong with you.
10:25 - Hmm?
10:27 - Where's your cowboy boots?
10:28 - I don't have cowboy boots.
10:31 You know, Mr. Holloway,
10:32 Texas has changed a lot since the 1850s.
10:36 - Oh, geez, I just wanted to see some boots
10:39 or spurs or anything.
10:41 I come all the way from Boston to see Texas
10:44 and you don't have real boots or guns or nothing.
10:46 (dramatic music)
10:49 - Southerton.
10:50 You know, Mr. Holloway, I once had a pair of boots.
10:55 And then one day my Uncle Fess lost his in a tornado.
11:00 - Oh, you mean a twister?
11:02 - Yep, a big Texas-sized twister.
11:06 I tell you what,
11:08 well, that dang twister sucked his boots plum off.
11:13 Well, you can't bury a man in his stocking feet.
11:16 It's the cowboy code.
11:18 So I gave him my boots
11:21 and that's the story of what happened to my boots.
11:24 - Wow, this is great, J.R.
11:26 I always thought you were afraid to wear boots
11:28 'cause your toes are too fat.
11:31 - In the summer of 1953,
11:34 something that I treasure happened
11:35 right there in that pink house.
11:37 - What, Peggy?
11:38 - The noted poet Ogden Nash wrote his poem, "The Cow."
11:42 - The cow?
11:43 - Is of the bovine elk.
11:45 One end is moo, the other milk.
11:48 (laughing)
11:51 (car engine roaring)
11:54 - Sir, I don't really recommend a cowboy boot
11:59 for a chubby-toed customer like yourself.
12:02 You might want to try a Birkenstock sandal.
12:05 - Shut the hell up.
12:07 - Here's your spurs, J.R.
12:11 - I'll help pick 'em out.
12:12 - Well, that sure wouldn't complete the outfit,
12:16 but I don't wanna scar the carpet.
12:18 - Who cares about the carpet?
12:20 You hurt my feelings.
12:23 You know what else he needs?
12:24 A hat.
12:26 - Yeah, yeah, a big old cowboy hat.
12:29 I wanna see Texas with a guy in a big cowboy hat like mine.
12:33 - I'm not wearing a dumb hat.
12:35 - Huh, I thought you were a real Texan,
12:38 like that fathoming fellow from the coffee shop.
12:41 - I'm only not wearing the hat
12:45 because of my solemn vow I made
12:48 to President Lyndon Baines Johnson
12:52 on the occasion of the birth of his daughter, Linda Bird.
12:55 - Lyndon Johnson killed I. Kennedy.
13:00 - Oh.
13:02 - And this.
13:06 - Hey, man, look at that rhinestone cowboy, man.
13:11 Oh, Lord, not now.
13:15 - What, J.I.?
13:17 - An engine and a hillbilly.
13:19 - (laughs) Oh, man.
13:21 Yo, man, call Dr. Scholes, man, 911.
13:25 Y'all look like a dang old hot car ride
13:27 with that old crap, man, yo.
13:29 (laughs)
13:32 - Uh-huh.
13:39 - Too cramped, too cramped, hurry.
13:41 - Oh.
13:42 All right.
13:44 - What is going on, Hank?
13:46 The way Bobby tells it, you bought my freedom
13:48 from the Comanches with your rodeo winnings?
13:50 - And you were worth every penny.
13:52 Look, Peggy, being a salesman is a little like
13:59 being an actor, I'm just playing a role,
14:02 you know, like that fella at the dinner theater
14:05 you liked so much.
14:06 - This is not Camelot, and you are not Jason Alexander.
14:12 You're not wearing that to dinner, are you?
14:15 - What, you don't like it?
14:15 I got this pantsuit special for tonight.
14:18 It's from Frumpy's.
14:19 - Yeah, don't you still have that bridesmaid outfit
14:22 you wore to one of Lou Anne's mama's weddings?
14:26 Oh, here.
14:27 You know, I'd forgotten just how pretty this is.
14:31 - Hey, Dad, I was going over the stuff
14:38 you told Mr. Holloway.
14:40 How could Mom get pregnant with me
14:43 if you spent the '80s in a Mexican POW camp?
14:47 - Look, Bobby, some of that stuff,
14:51 the details aren't so important.
14:53 - I gotta get my facts straight, Dad.
14:56 There's a Q&A after my speech tomorrow,
14:59 and these Sunday school kids are tough.
15:02 - I'll help you, son, I promise.
15:04 When I get home tonight, we'll sit down
15:06 and go over anything you might've taken out of context.
15:10 (upbeat music)
15:15 - Oh, I am so sorry Mrs. Holloway
15:18 didn't feel well enough to join us.
15:20 I guess something she ate on the plane
15:22 didn't agree with her.
15:23 - Hi, Mrs. Holloway.
15:26 Want some cold Frito pie?
15:27 - Ah, she'll be fine.
15:32 Besides, every man needs to be cut
15:33 from his ball and chain now and again.
15:36 Ain't that right, Jaya?
15:38 (laughing)
15:40 - Mr. Hill, your table is ready.
15:45 The four top of 39 needs more iced tea, hun.
15:47 86, the jalapeno cornbread.
15:49 - Howdy, partners.
15:56 Welcome to the Panhandler,
15:58 home of the world's longest salad bar
16:00 and second longest sneeze guard.
16:03 Would you cowboys care to take on
16:04 our 72 ounce Lone Star steak?
16:07 Finish it and it's free.
16:09 - How much if you can't finish it?
16:11 - Well, sir, like my daddy always said,
16:14 if you have to ask, you can't afford it.
16:17 - That's what I'm having.
16:18 (sneezing)
16:30 - Lord, no, Mr. Holloway.
16:33 You're gonna fill up on free stuff.
16:36 - Hey, Roy Rogers, Halloween was last year.
16:39 - Mr. Holloway, these are my neighbors,
16:43 Dale and Nancy Gribble.
16:45 Mr. Holloway came all the way from Boston.
16:48 - Yeah, I know the place.
16:50 That's in Texas, ain't it?
16:52 Say hello to Willie Horton for me when you get home.
16:55 He's teaching at your kindergarten.
16:58 - I'm sorry, Mr. Gribble,
17:00 but a cowboy don't talk politics at the chow wagon.
17:03 Happy trails.
17:05 - I haven't got my croutons yet.
17:07 (crowd cheering)
17:11 - Oh, stick a fork in me.
17:22 I'm done.
17:23 - No, no, you're not.
17:27 - Give me a quarter, JR.
17:28 I'm gonna go test my grip.
17:30 - Mm, yeah, I thought so.
17:35 You got something right there on your back, honey.
17:37 - What?
17:39 - Footprints.
17:40 - Break time's over, darling.
17:42 The kitchen's backed up.
17:43 - Well, I have had just about all I can swallow.
17:47 How about you, JR?
17:49 - Peggy, I'm making progress here.
17:53 I can always tell when a customer's ready for the close.
17:57 - Mr. Fatherton, your table is ready.
18:00 - Fatherton, and his table is ready.
18:03 I gotta go.
18:04 (laughing)
18:10 - JR, my friend Fatherton has taken me to that club
18:16 where all the waitresses are former
18:17 Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.
18:20 - Too late, Fatherton.
18:21 If anyone's taking Holloway to a gentleman's club, it's me.
18:25 - Well, I'll see you over there, then.
18:29 - I like that guy.
18:30 - Holloway, don't move a muscle.
18:34 Get me some protection, too.
18:36 - The man I admire most is my dad.
18:46 Thank you.
18:47 (gentle music)
18:50 - Okay, have fun, boys.
18:58 - Phew, I thought you might be mad.
19:03 Uh, 'cause I was supposed to help Bobby
19:08 and instead we're going to Jug Store Cowboys.
19:15 - As part of my work required sales excursion.
19:19 That, as I said, keeps you in pretty dresses like that one.
19:26 - Get out.
19:27 - Uh, Peggy, could you loan me, uh,
19:33 50 bucks oughta cover it?
19:37 And can I have ones, you know, for the G-strings?
19:45 (tires screeching)
19:48 - How versatile is propane?
19:51 Well, propane will do everything
19:54 that natural gas will do and more.
19:56 Please, ma'am, I'm trying to carry on a conversation.
20:01 Yeah, yeah, I see your rear, very nice.
20:04 Okay, there's some people over there that wanna look, too.
20:08 Now, how 'bout it, Mr. Holloway?
20:10 Will you say yes to Strickland propane?
20:14 - Buy me a mint julep.
20:16 - Heck, that's not a Texas drink.
20:18 You can't even keep your stereotype straight.
20:21 - Hey, come on, buy me a mint julep.
20:23 Then I'll talk to you about propane.
20:26 - Mint julep, please.
20:31 - Mint julep?
20:32 - Yeah, it's not for me.
20:34 I got a Yankee client.
20:36 - Hmm, he make you wear that hat?
20:39 - Yep.
20:40 - Oh, honey, I know exactly how you feel.
20:42 Every night my boss makes me put on this humiliating outfit
20:45 to seduce some drunk out of his money.
20:49 We're a lot alike.
20:50 - Why do we do it?
20:55 Uh,
20:56 chiffon?
20:58 - We do it for the money, cowboy.
21:01 I never made six figures a year at the potato hut.
21:05 - Six figures?
21:06 - Oh, yeah.
21:08 Soon I'll have enough money to stay home
21:09 with my granddaughter and her baby.
21:11 - Then I should be home too,
21:13 helping my boy with his Sunday school report.
21:17 - Hey, how about a lap dance?
21:20 - Honey, what are you still doing up?
21:24 - I don't get it.
21:26 How could he have fought in the Spanish-American War
21:29 the same year he invented
21:30 the world's first pressure-cooking chicken fryer?
21:34 - Oh, Bobby, your father never fought in any war.
21:38 - Oh, I know.
21:39 I've given up on that.
21:41 The man I most admire now is Colonel Sanders.
21:45 - Here's your julep, Holloway.
21:49 Let's talk propane.
21:51 - Oh!
21:54 Oh, you call this a mint julep?
21:57 Where's the vodka?
21:58 Where's the tomato juice?
22:00 Maybe I oughta let Savithan buy my drinks from now on.
22:04 I tell you what.
22:05 - Mister, I'll tell you what.
22:11 I don't want your business.
22:12 Not this way.
22:14 You wanna go with Fatherton, go.
22:16 But one of these days when your propane mixture's only 89%
22:21 and you have a smelly condo development
22:24 full of crying babies
22:25 whose bottles haven't been properly heated,
22:28 you give me a call.
22:29 My name is Hank Hill,
22:32 and I sell propane and propane accessories
22:35 with honor and dignity.
22:37 - Oh, them's fighting words, J.R.
22:41 - This isn't a John Wayne movie, Holloway.
22:45 I'm not gonna fight you.
22:46 - I'll fight you, Pilgrim.
22:49 - Yeehaw!
22:51 (grunting)
22:54 - He doesn't have an oil well.
23:00 He doesn't own a Cadillac.
23:03 And he doesn't wear cowboy boots
23:05 because he's not a cowboy.
23:08 And on account of they squish his toes.
23:11 But the man I admire most is a real Texan.
23:15 He is my daddy, Hank Hill.
23:17 (applause)
23:21 - That's my boy!
23:23 Yeah!
23:25 - Thank you, thank you.
23:27 And I want to thank my dad,
23:30 especially for accepting me and raising me as his own.
23:36 Even though I was fathered by another man
23:38 while Mr. Hank Hill was in a Mexican POW camp.
23:42 Thank you.
23:44 (grunting)
23:52 (upbeat music)
23:54 (upbeat music)
23:58 (upbeat music)
24:00 (upbeat music)
24:03 (upbeat music)
24:32 (laughing)