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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [Music]
00:02 [Music]
00:31 [Music]
00:33 Good morning class. I will be subbing for Mrs. Dorland, who is at home recuperating from the Hanta virus.
00:41 What's the Hanta virus?
00:44 Well, Clark, it's a flu-like disease usually contracted from rodent droppings.
00:49 Okay! All right then.
00:51 Now, in preparation for our field trip, your classmates are going to act out a little-known episode of Mexican-American history.
00:59 The year is 1847.
01:03 [Music]
01:08 I am General Santa Anna. I led the Mexican army at the Alamo, where we defeated Texas.
01:16 Boo!
01:18 We are at the Battle of Cerro Gordo, 11 years later, and we are hungry.
01:25 Sir, I will hold your artificial leg while you eat chicken.
01:30 Attack.
01:38 Look out! It's the Illinois Volunteer Infantry. Hop on, General.
01:44 I stole your fake leg.
01:50 [Applause]
01:53 Oh, well that was beautiful. That was just inspired.
01:56 The General's artificial leg has been on display in an Illinois museum for over a century, but this year, America decided to return it to Mexico.
02:06 Even as we speak, Santa Anna's real fake leg is making its way from museum to museum on its journey home.
02:15 I guess you could say the Arlen Museum is the last leg of the tour.
02:20 [Laughter]
02:23 Oh, Peggy.
02:26 Yeah, see, that was 1976. In 1977, I did wear shoes.
02:33 Boy, that car's going fast. Doesn't he know men drink in this alley?
02:39 Well, that looks like your dad's Cadillac car, Hank.
02:43 Yeah, man, it's like he did a dang old-
02:45 That hit the dirt, man.
02:47 [Tires screeching]
02:49 Uh...
02:51 Thanks, fatty. Don't mind if I do.
02:54 Geez, Dad, you almost dented the cooler.
02:57 Where's Diddy? I thought with your eyesight, she was doing all the driving.
03:01 Ah, we had another fight. I threw her out.
03:04 [Humming]
03:06 Diddy woman, my toes are cold. Knit me a blanket.
03:10 I don't have time, honey. I'm late for work.
03:13 [Laughter]
03:16 And a good one, baby cakes.
03:19 Now get your knitting sticks.
03:21 You're gonna have to wear your socks, Colonel.
03:24 [Humming]
03:26 Yeah, so I put her out in the street.
03:28 Good for you, sir. I admire the speed with which you dispatch the insubordinate.
03:33 Shut your clam hole, Gribble.
03:36 So I guess you're here to cool off for a few days till you two can patch things up?
03:41 Nope. This one's for good.
03:43 I'm here to renew my driver's license. Got the I-Card memorized down at the Arlington DMV.
03:48 Ain't changed it since World War II.
03:51 Uh, that's the big one, fatty.
03:54 Uh, Dad, about you driving, I'm not sure it's such a good idea.
03:59 Excuse me, Hank.
04:01 I think a man who gave his shins to win the Second World War has earned the right to drive an automobile.
04:12 Hank, Bobby and me are gonna rent an RV this summer and drive around the country.
04:17 We'll do 50 states in 50 days.
04:20 You know, Cotton, you can travel anywhere in the world. In books.
04:24 Uh, Dad, you don't want to be driving on a crowded highway in the summertime.
04:30 I don't know. There's nothing like the feel of the open road.
04:34 Oh, you know, Grandpa Hill, with an RV, you could put it on cruise control and then go in the back and watch TV.
04:42 Oh, Luann, please.
04:45 Dad, with all due respect, I don't think you should be driving anymore.
04:51 Don't you tell me what to do!
04:54 You ain't my daddy, I'm your daddy!
04:57 I won the war! I can drive a car!
05:01 Even your idiot friend, Dribble, knows that.
05:03 Oh, Dad, Dale's just kissing up to you.
05:06 And so should you, boy!
05:08 Uh, Hank, that reminds me. We need some chaperones for Bobby's class trip.
05:14 What kind of trip you thinking, Bobby? Vegas?
05:16 There's a General Santa Anne exhibit at the museum. We did a play about him in school, and I was one of his privates.
05:24 Yeah, yeah, I know all about Santa Annie. We got his walking log under glass mill noise, I'm glad to say.
05:31 Actually, Cotton, the leg is coming through Arlen. America is finally returning the leg to Mexico.
05:36 What?
05:37 Take it easy, Dad.
05:39 Take it easy.
05:42 You see, Bobby, your daddy's generation's giving away everything we fought for.
05:47 Panty Moc and Nail, Mexican legs.
05:50 You people give back Gandhi's diapers if you had 'em.
05:55 (grunts)
05:56 Ah, would you look at that line. We'll be here all day.
06:08 Oh, for God... Hank, I gutted a man. He whined less than you.
06:13 Why don't you guys get started? I'll be there in a minute.
06:17 (footsteps)
06:19 All right, clerky. Now take down the first letter of every word I say.
06:32 Someday, Governor Reagan will run for president. I pass. Give me the license.
06:41 Wow, I've never seen anyone miss every single letter. You fail.
06:45 What? Look at it again. Someday. That's S.B. as in stupid, dummy. That's you. Tell him, Hank.
06:53 This is an outrage. We are very dissatisfied customers. Come on, Dad, let's go.
06:59 (grunts)
07:00 So you had the clerk switch the I-chart. That's a good plan, if you silence the clerk.
07:10 Well, it was one of the toughest things I ever had to do, I tell you what.
07:14 But my dad's getting close to the end zone now. I gotta start calling some of his plays.
07:20 Yeah, I know what you mean. My dad can't even load his own hunting rifle anymore.
07:24 I mean, I got put it in his hands, practically pulled a dang trigger for him.
07:29 Sad. Very sad.
07:32 Oh, the DMV changed the damn chart on me. That's what they did?
07:37 I tell you what, man, I'm gonna take that damn DMV, man, take my picture, and I'm gonna hair-hooty that day, man.
07:42 I'm four dang old years, I'm gonna go looking like Cokie Roberts, man.
07:46 There are ways to get around the license problem, sir.
07:49 Dale, this doesn't concern you.
07:52 For example, put a sail on your car, call it a boat.
07:57 Do that, Hank? Gribble's got a clever idea. Go get me a sail.
08:02 It's a stupid idea, Dad.
08:04 Well, excuse me, Hank, I guess I'm not as clever as you are.
08:08 I mean, I could never think of a clever idea like switching the I-chart so your dad would fail that test.
08:15 Dang it, Dale!
08:17 Looks like we got ourselves a Benedict Arling. What do you got to say for yourself, boy?
08:23 Look, Dad, I did change that chart. I did it because I care about you. You should not be driving.
08:30 But he's a war hero, Hank. A world war hero. You should let him do whatever he wants.
08:37 Shut up, Dale. I know what's best for my dad.
08:41 If you knew what's best for me, you'd have drowned yourself two days after you was born.
08:46 Goodbye, Hank. I'm leaving.
08:58 Gribble! Good news! I'm staying with you from now on!
09:04 You hear that, Hank? Daddy's staying with me.
09:08 Did you sleep okay, Mr. Hill?
09:21 Yep. Yep. Just fine.
09:23 See, Nancy? And you wanted to give away Joseph's crib.
09:28 There you go, sir. One perfectly forged driver's license. Good until the year 3000.
09:38 Good boy! Here's a dollar.
09:40 Hey, Dad! I need you to sign my permission slip for that Santa Ana exhibit.
09:48 Joseph, you know I do not sign any document issued by a government institution.
09:54 Hey, Hank. Come on, Joseph. Our ride's here.
10:00 Hey, Tokyo Rose, how does your garden grow?
10:05 Don't start with me, Dale. All right, Dad. You made your point.
10:10 Now come on back and we'll talk about this. I got a whole box of Megaloplates you can break.
10:16 I'd rather break Gribble's plates, thank you very much.
10:19 No, thank you very much, sir.
10:23 I'm done. I'm going down to the drugstore to pick up my chinsail.
10:27 All right, well, let me drive you.
10:30 I don't need you. Gribble made me a license.
10:34 I've never seen a meter make take so long to write a ticket.
10:41 All right, sir. Please step out of the vehicle.
10:46 Woo-hoo-hoo! You want to frisk me, cut me? Go ahead. Then I can do you.
10:52 And when I asked for his license, he gave me this.
10:58 Yeah, I know. It's expired. I'm real sorry about that. He shouldn't be driving.
11:03 Expired? It's not even real. It's made out of the back of a cereal box.
11:08 Well, you're lucky. In the most severe cases of senile dementia, they can't even remember their son's names.
11:15 What? He's not senile. My dad's just a character, you know, like a cowboy.
11:20 Dad, knock it off. Come on.
11:25 All right, General Mills. I'm letting your son take care of you.
11:32 You have to promise to be a good boy. Do you recognize your son?
11:38 Yep. He's better than darling.
11:41 The point is, Dad, you've got to calm down. You're lucky you're not in jail.
11:48 Don't you take that tone with me. I was out buying shin jelly. You show some respect.
11:55 Okay, okay. Let's talk about it over dinner. What do you say? Go get your bags and we'll head on home.
12:02 Oh, sure. I'll be right there.
12:05 Yeah.
12:07 [Music]
12:29 [Laughter]
12:38 Uh, hey, Dee Dee.
12:44 Hank.
12:45 Listen, I'm here to ask you for a big favor. You and my dad got to patch things up quicker than usual this time.
12:52 I'm having trouble keeping him under control.
12:54 Oh, there's no patching things up this time, Hank. Depression is gone.
12:59 There was magic between us when we first met.
13:03 Yeah. I come in here once a year to get my shins drained. I don't take no anesthetic.
13:10 Did Lincoln ask for girly gas when they blowed his head off?
13:14 Magazines? Candy? Fruit roll-ups?
13:18 Oh, look at you. Aren't you the cutest little helpless thing? Oh, you're like a little baby in that gown.
13:27 Oh, coochie coochie coo. Oops.
13:32 Oh, sweet lord. Clean peaches and heavy syrup.
13:39 It was like Romeo and, um, Juliet. But now the magic's gone. Cotton said my bottom was too small. Do you think it's too small?
13:53 Uh, no. Put that away. It's fine. It's very big.
13:59 Look, Hank. Acetone-er makes sundresses now.
14:05 Uh-oh. She is not going to take him back, is she?
14:08 Nope. I'm going to have to watch him like a hawk.
14:15 Uh, cigar, Hank?
14:17 No, thanks.
14:18 Good, 'cause they all been smoked.
14:22 Oh, yeah. She got me on that one.
14:27 Anyway, the reason I'm here is to ask you to be a chaperone on Bobby's museum trip tomorrow. I'm going to be one.
14:35 Daddy can't go. He's taking me bumper-balling.
14:38 Will you stop calling him "Daddy"? Come on, Dad. You'd really be helping us out.
14:44 Well, I've been helping you out of jams your whole life. Might as well keep this freak alive. I'll do it.
14:53 We'll do it.
14:57 And then you killed the German corporal?
15:00 Now, this is World War II, Connie girl. You was a Nazi.
15:05 Yeah, I severed his windpipe with a two-foot strand of dental floss I kept in my boot.
15:10 And that's why it's always important to carry dental floss.
15:19 Okay, Tom Landry Middle School. Next stop is the featured exhibit, General Sandy Annie's Artificial Legs.
15:28 Oh, what a beautiful prosthetic. Those T-shirts do not do it justice.
15:33 After its brief stay here, General Sandy Annie's leg will be returned to its rightful owner, Mexico.
15:41 Rightful? Finders keepers!
15:43 Dad, now take it easy. Relax.
15:46 Along with the leg, Mexico will receive a check for the original cost of the leg, $1,300 U.S.,
15:55 and a letter of apology signed by our commander-in-chief.
15:59 Ah, that draft dodger! He can't do that! The Japanese blew my shins off! When am I gonna get them back?
16:06 Hank, chaperone, chaperone your father!
16:09 Dad, I'm not gonna tell you again. Zip it!
16:21 Let's settle, people. Okay.
16:23 All right, stop the bus! It's been stolen! One of these hoodlums stole Sandy Annie's leg!
16:31 All right, kids, listen up. I'm gonna close my eyes, and when I open them, I wanna see that leg. You understand?
16:40 Yes.
17:04 All right, Dad, I'm fed up. Now where is the leg?
17:07 Well, I don't know if I can speak to that. I was told to zip it.
17:13 The whole country of Mexico is expecting to get their leg back on Saturday.
17:18 Oh, delightful! That leg means a lot to them, and my driver's license means a lot to me.
17:24 What does the leg have to do with your driver's license?
17:27 Use your head, boy! The Mexicans have diplomats. They'll pull some strings, get me my license, then I'll give them back their leg.
17:37 Dad, the police are gonna come after you.
17:40 That's my offer! Take it back to your people.
17:43 They never look in the most obvious place. Colonel, shall we retire to the leg room?
18:05 Maybe that policewoman was right. I've never seen Dad like this before. He's not his crazy old self anymore. He's acting... crazy.
18:16 Well, stick a pin in me, I'm dreaming. I've been saying that to you for 22 years.
18:21 Aunt Peg, Uncle Hank, I just heard on the news there's a Santa Claus exhibit at the museum, and someone stole his leg!
18:33 Colonel, I just want to say it's been an honor fighting with you against Hank and his forces. You can rest assured I am with you all the way.
18:43 You got any of them little goldfish crackers?
18:50 He did it! He took the leg! It was his idea! You can have it back!
18:56 Oh no! It's gone! Where'd you put it, you shinless old freak?
19:02 What did you...
19:03 You're a worse traitor than Hank! I know how to deal with traitors!
19:08 Sir, you're gonna want to give me that leg right now before you get in any more trouble.
19:14 I need that leg for leverage in my negotiations with the Mexican government!
19:20 They took my shins and put them on display in the Empress Pagoda! That's the thanks I get for flossing them Nazis!
19:27 You tell the meter man I want my car back! I can drive myself! They just changed the chart!
19:34 Someday Governor Reagan will run for president!
19:38 And we felt the psychological evaluation had come to an end after he claimed Dr. Miyoshi's stethoscope as a war trophy.
19:49 Well, what are you gonna do?
19:51 Just keep him here forever?
19:53 Well, that's up to you. It's my opinion that he requires supervision.
19:57 Either he stays here, or you and your wife need to watch him 24 hours a day.
20:02 Hey, Dad! How do you like it here?
20:09 Find some place else to stay in, Patty!
20:13 Oh, see? You know his name. He's already made a friend. See? He knows his name.
20:17 Look, Peggy! Board games! Checkers, dominoes, chutes and ladders!
20:24 Chutes and ladders?
20:26 Why, if I didn't have to work every day, I'd come here!
20:30 Uh, Dad, I know a lot has happened in the last day or so, but I need to know where that leg is.
20:39 If I give the leg back, can I get out of here?
20:44 We'll see. It's not up to me.
20:48 All right! It's in Gribble's golf bag. I drew a one on it and signed it "Lee Trevino."
20:54 All right, then. Dale's golf bag. Take it easy, Dad.
20:59 Uh, don't forget about your old man. You'll come back for me, right, boy?
21:10 Well, it's not so bad in there. Really.
21:14 Oh, Peggy, come on. That was awful. My father hates it in there.
21:20 But it's not like I can watch him 24 hours a day.
21:25 Oh, no, you cannot.
21:27 Just wouldn't be fair to you or me or Bobby.
21:31 Maybe we're being too picky about this, V.A. You know, Consumer Reports gave it a B-.
21:36 Well, that's above average.
21:39 Hank, how are you gonna break it to him?
21:43 [Sighs]
22:11 So? Huh. Am I gonna live with you and Hank's wife?
22:17 No.
22:19 But I told you where the lead was!
22:21 I know, and I gave it to the police.
22:23 Look, Dad, I can't take care of you all day long, and you wouldn't really want it that way,
22:29 so there's only one other option.
22:33 [Groans]
22:34 Diddy! What's she doing here? I told you it was over, woman!
22:38 I told him the same thing, but he said I have to sign something to get the Cadillac car.
22:45 [Song playing]
22:47 [Sighs]
22:49 They've got you in a baby town.
22:54 Oh, look at the baby.
22:58 [Laughs]
23:02 [Clears throat]
23:04 Huh? I'll get those.
23:09 Oh, honey, I'm sorry I said your butt was too small, but anything is too big!
23:17 But I likes you for who you is.
23:21 Come on, little baby boy. I'll drive you home.
23:26 [Song playing]
23:28 [Song playing]
23:33 [Song playing]
23:35 That is retired Captain Barrisimo Defino.
23:39 When he straps on Santa Anna's leg and walks it from our flag to his,
23:43 it will be officially returned to the Mexican peoples.
23:47 [Groans]
23:50 Well, the important thing is they got it back.
23:54 Hey, wait a minute. That's the leg I made for the play.
23:59 Oh.
24:00 [Song playing]
24:02 Here you are, senor. One driver's license.
24:05 Thank you.
24:07 And here you are. One Santa Anna's leg.
24:11 [Song playing]
24:17 The story you've just seen is based on a true event.
24:24 At the Battle of Cerro Gordo in 1847,
24:27 the Illinois Volunteer Infantry captured the artificial leg of Mexican General Antonio López de Santa Anna
24:34 while the general and his men feasted on a lunch of roasted chicken.
24:38 Unfortunately, Santa Anna's leg still resides in an Illinois museum.
24:43 If you would like to join the movement to help return the leg to the Mexican people,
24:48 write Illinois Senator Richard J. Durbin.
24:51 Thank you, and good night.