Category
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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05, (bell ringing) (upbeat music)
00:26 (upbeat music)
00:28 (upbeat music)
00:32 - A Texas native license plate.
00:35 (sniffing)
00:37 Oh, it's got that new license plate smell.
00:40 - Boy, a set of those sure would look sharp on my truck.
00:45 Heck, they'd look sharp anywhere.
00:47 I tell you what, man,
00:48 talking about adding them down to 20%
00:50 of the blue book value, man.
00:52 - That is a capital idea with a capital I.
00:55 Then all three of us will have 'em.
00:58 No offense, Bill, you being from Luzerana.
01:01 (laughing)
01:03 - Fine, and my plate's usually so covered with mud anyway.
01:07 Don't want me to want one.
01:09 - It's okay, Bill, you can ride with me
01:11 after I put my new plates on.
01:13 I don't care where you're from.
01:15 - Thank you, Hank.
01:16 - Just duck down whenever I pass another real Texan.
01:20 (laughing)
01:22 Any sign of my birth certificate yet?
01:27 - To be perfectly honest, no.
01:30 - I better call my mom.
01:32 I'm pretty sure the licensed people
01:33 are gonna need to see a birth certificate.
01:36 Otherwise, you'd have a bunch of Oklahomans
01:38 trying to get Texas native plates.
01:41 Mom?
01:43 Look, this isn't a social call.
01:45 I'm just phoning to get a copy of my birth certificate.
01:49 - Your birth certificate?
01:51 Well, what makes you think I'd have something like that?
01:53 Because I wouldn't, and I don't.
01:55 - Well, that was weird.
01:59 Well, I found my birth certificate.
02:02 Seven pounds, six ounces.
02:04 Perfect.
02:05 - Hey, Dad.
02:10 Got you a little housewarming present.
02:12 A basket of fruit.
02:14 Peggy made it up for you.
02:15 It's mostly oranges.
02:17 - Is that a kiwi in there?
02:20 You know how I feel about hairy fruits.
02:23 - Yeah.
02:25 So, hey, when you were packing up the house in Houston,
02:28 did you happen to come across my birth certificate?
02:31 - No.
02:32 You think I got enough room in this cracker box
02:36 for your baby crap?
02:38 - Well, maybe you could have kept my birth certificate
02:40 and tossed out some of those videos.
02:42 - Those videos are a G-H.
02:45 They mean something to me.
02:46 - Dee Dee, get the camera.
02:49 He's doing it again.
02:50 - If I didn't know those two hadn't spoken in four years,
02:57 I'd swear they were in some kind of conspiracy.
03:00 - Well, either this is your dream and I am in it,
03:04 or this is your life and your parents are acting weird
03:07 because you're adopted.
03:09 - Adopted?
03:11 No, no, my dad hates adopted children.
03:15 - Exactly.
03:16 Which is why Cotton treats your brother, G-H,
03:18 who we know for sure is not adopted,
03:20 much better than you, whose parentage is,
03:23 let's face it, a question mark.
03:27 - My mom wouldn't just hang up on me for no reason.
03:31 God, maybe I really am adopted.
03:34 - Well, there will be clues.
03:37 Think back to when you were a child.
03:40 Now, Hank, did your parents ever tell you you were adopted?
03:45 Hank?
03:49 - Hank?
03:50 How do I even know that's my name?
03:53 My real parents might've called me Henry
03:56 or Chris.
03:59 God, Peggy, what if I'm a Chris?
04:01 Well, if I was adopted,
04:07 that means my real dad could be anybody.
04:10 Hey, maybe even Tom Landry.
04:14 I do have his strong chin and love for the flex defense.
04:19 I wonder if I would've called him dad or coach.
04:22 Ah, who am I kidding?
04:27 It would've been sir.
04:29 - Uh-huh, before we sue the Landry estate for child support,
04:33 I'm gonna need your social.
04:35 (whistling)
04:40 Now we download, enter.
04:50 9%, 57%, 100%.
04:53 - Huh, Hank, are you standing on the cable?
04:56 It says here your birth parents were Tilly and Cotton Hill.
05:00 - Well, I guess that's a relief.
05:03 Least I can keep loving my mom.
05:05 Let me take a look.
05:07 Place of birth, New York, New York.
05:12 (screaming)
05:15 How come you never told me I was born in New York?
05:22 - What, New York?
05:24 You wasn't.
05:26 You was adopted.
05:29 Yeah, oh, worth 50 bucks I ever spent.
05:33 Could've got me a matching pair of Chinese babies for 10.
05:37 - I was born in New York City, of your seed.
05:42 - Ah, Hank.
05:44 I always knew the day would come
05:47 when I'd have to tell you the whole sad story.
05:50 Maybe it was my fault for loving your mother so much,
05:54 back when she was still worth loving.
05:56 Tilly had always wanted to see New York City.
06:00 She heard about it at the beauty parlor.
06:02 Well, you weren't due for another few weeks,
06:08 so I bought Tilly a fancy new maternity dress
06:11 and took her to the Rainbow Room,
06:14 a place as romantic as it was expensive.
06:19 (laughing)
06:21 Oh, how your mama loved to dance.
06:24 Maybe I dipped her too hard,
06:27 or maybe your old blue eyes greased the rim.
06:31 Next thing I know, we're trying to keep you
06:34 from making your debut on Broadway.
06:36 Three days later, we took a premature bundle of you
06:44 back to Texas.
06:45 I never told you because I didn't think
06:48 you were man enough to handle it.
06:50 Not being born in Texas, you weren't!
06:53 - Well, thank you, I guess, for not leaving me there.
06:59 - Don't thank me, thank your mother.
07:01 No, I, I mean, don't mention anything to her.
07:05 She's never forgiven herself
07:08 for birthing you outside Texas.
07:10 It'd kill her if she knew you found out.
07:13 - Well, maybe it should.
07:16 I don't mean that.
07:17 - Top six, yeah.
07:27 Remember that thing we said we were gonna do,
07:29 but never did?
07:29 No, no, no, we did that.
07:33 We did the hell out of that.
07:35 I mean, that other thing.
07:38 I think it's time we finally completed our mission.
07:41 - Peggy, being born in New York
07:44 makes me no better than Tony Randall.
07:47 - Now, Hank, if being born here is so important,
07:51 why did you marry me?
07:53 - I didn't marry you right away.
07:55 Believe me, I had to pray on it.
07:58 - Maybe you should have opened your eyes
08:00 and then your Bible, Hank.
08:02 Red and yellow, black and white,
08:05 we are all precious in his sight.
08:08 - Nothing in there about New York.
08:10 - Well, Sodom is in there, Hank, and Gomorrah.
08:12 And they are New Yorkers all get out.
08:15 - Yep.
08:17 - Yep.
08:19 - Yep, or should I say, yada, yada, yada.
08:24 Hank, should I?
08:26 - Shut up, Dale.
08:27 - Boy, you New Yorkers really are rude.
08:31 (all laughing)
08:34 - Dad, is what Joseph's been telling everyone
08:39 at school true about where you're from?
08:42 - I'm sorry, Bobby.
08:45 I'm from New York.
08:48 - Get out!
08:49 I always knew I had a little New York in me.
08:53 Now I know where it came from.
08:56 Do you meet Woody Allen and hang out in the village?
08:58 - I left when I was three days old, okay?
09:02 - Oh, ever think about moving back?
09:04 - No.
09:06 (dramatic music)
09:09 (sighing)
09:14 - Erwin, get in here and give me a hand.
09:18 - I ain't getting in no damn hole until I'm dead.
09:21 - Nevermind.
09:23 (dramatic music)
09:26 (mumbling)
09:31 - Heel, Topsy, heel!
09:34 (mumbling)
09:36 - I can't go!
09:37 (sighing)
09:45 - Damn it, Dale.
09:47 - This is for the $20 gift certificate
10:01 to the Arroyo Diner.
10:03 Now, what is the name of the 50-foot tall cowboy
10:06 that greets visitors to the Texas State Fair?
10:09 - Oh, that's easy.
10:10 It's, uh, wait a sec.
10:14 I know this.
10:15 Dang it.
10:16 - Is it Big Tex?
10:17 That's right!
10:19 - Big Tex.
10:21 (trumpet blaring)
10:24 - Go back to New York!
10:28 (trumpet blaring)
10:34 - I can't even drive like a Texan anymore, Peggy.
10:38 I think my truck might be too much vehicle for me.
10:42 - Dad, come on, you'll be okay.
10:45 You just need what Mom likes to call closure.
10:48 I think we should all go to New York.
10:51 - The only closure I need is of your mouth, mister.
10:55 (phone ringing)
11:00 Mom, Dad told me everything.
11:02 I know that I was born in New York.
11:05 - Oh, Hank, I'm so, so sorry.
11:09 I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to hurt you.
11:12 - Don't pretend you were looking out for me.
11:14 You were looking out for you.
11:16 You and your romantic getaway to the Big Rotten Apple.
11:21 - Wait, Con's trying to pin this on me?
11:25 It was his idea to go to New York.
11:27 - What?
11:28 - Well, then one of you is not telling the truth.
11:32 - Ah, hell, I know it's him.
11:35 - Your father dragged me pregnant to New York.
11:38 Then he dragged me to a baseball game at Yankee Stadium.
11:42 It was unseasonably warm that day, and all I wanted was...
11:46 - A glass of water, suck on a pebble, and keep looking storked up.
11:51 You're our ticket through the police line.
11:59 - Well, Fidel, you should have stayed in Washington on your unofficial visit.
12:06 Now they're gonna have to carry you out on a semitic inscripture.
12:10 - Oh.
12:12 - Woman with penis coming through.
12:18 [music]
12:20 - Have a cigar, you weak-chinned Cuban son of a bitch!
12:33 [woman screams]
12:37 - Go!
12:40 - The baby's coming!
12:42 - No, not that woman!
12:44 I'll hold it in!
12:47 - Go, go, go!
12:49 You're running for two, woman!
12:51 - Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!
12:53 - I was born in the ladies' room at Yankee Stadium?
13:06 Ugh.
13:11 - And in Midnight, we rendezvous in San Antonio with one Jorge Lopez.
13:16 As you know, he's half Mexican, half Cuban.
13:21 For this job, we'll be using the half that's Cuban.
13:25 - How are we gonna get to San Antonio?
13:27 We can't all fit in your Cadillac car.
13:30 I guess I could take a few people in my Cadillac car, but I don't wanna.
13:35 - You idiot, we can't use our own cars.
13:38 Remember how the cops tracked you down when you hit that fire hydrant?
13:41 We're hitting more than a fire hydrant this time.
13:44 - I know the truth, Dad.
13:46 Mom told me everything.
13:48 The ladies' room, Yankee Stadium, Mr. Fidel Castro.
13:53 - Ha, ha. So the pigs squealed, huh?
13:57 Well, I guess I can't blame her.
13:59 That's what pigs do.
14:01 - It's your fault I was born in New York,
14:04 and I can't drive my truck, and I tried a bagel, and I actually liked it.
14:09 - His truck.
14:11 - No. No more lies.
14:13 I loved that bagel.
14:16 Go to hell.
14:19 - But I am in hell.
14:21 I spent these last 40 years tearing myself up
14:25 for letting my first son be born outside Texas.
14:30 - Are you apologizing?
14:33 I think you deserve one.
14:35 Oh, if I could just shove you back in your mother
14:39 and do it all over again in Texas, I would.
14:43 Huh?
14:45 - Dad.
14:47 - Tell you what, Hank. Let me make it up to you.
14:50 We'll go out tonight, race some hell.
14:53 We'll make you one of us, a real Texan.
14:56 And we can all go in your truck.
15:01 Come on, Hank. All I'm asking for is a second chance.
15:07 - Well, a real Texas man's night out.
15:14 That's just what I needed, I tell you what.
15:16 - Sure. Just give me the keys.
15:28 - You know, this is the first time we've gone shooting together
15:31 that you haven't humiliated me.
15:34 I'm having a ball.
15:36 - Oh, that's nice. Now give me the gun.
15:40 We steal gas to get to the Senate town by midnight
15:53 and pick up Lopez.
15:55 - Now who's Lopez?
15:56 - Yeah, well, how's this?
16:00 Lopez's is the best barbecue takeout in the state.
16:04 Oh, yeah, and this here too.
16:06 - Oh, well, boy, that's a lot of knives and flares and stuff for...
16:12 Uh, what exactly?
16:15 - Uh, that's right.
16:17 You go into Lopez's dressed like a commando, you get half off.
16:21 - Barbecue at midnight?
16:25 Well, good luck finding that in Manhattan.
16:29 - Hey, there's another Texas plate.
16:35 Hank, take a drink.
16:38 - I'd just like to tell Buck Strickland to kiss off.
16:43 - Yellow moon!
16:45 - Oh, my goodness!
16:48 The cradle of Texas liberty?
16:51 Hank, every Texan ought to have his picture taken in front of the Alamo.
16:56 - Would you be in it with me, Dad?
17:04 - No, but I'll let you hold today's newspaper.
17:07 "Entopsy's gun."
17:09 Make you look like a real Texan.
17:12 - Now what does a newspaper have to...
17:16 [tires screech]
17:18 - Took you long enough for Lopez.
17:28 - That's Lopez?
17:30 - He knows too much.
17:32 - Huh?
17:34 - Hank, close your eyes and put out your hands.
17:38 Time for a real Texas surprise.
17:41 Tepsy, get the rope.
17:44 - Okay, now I do know too much.
17:47 You got me a genuine Texas lasso like I wanted for my ninth birthday, right?
17:53 I tell you, Dad, just when I think I've got you figured out...
17:57 Hey, this isn't a lasso. It's clothesline.
18:00 - Oh, yeah?
18:02 For a New Yorker, you ain't got much street smarts.
18:05 - I'm not a New Yorker.
18:07 I became a Texan when I ate the worm.
18:10 - Ah, you didn't chew it.
18:13 And you ain't a Texan. You're a patsy from New York.
18:16 - Patsy?
18:18 But the point of this whole trip was to leave me drunk and Texan.
18:22 - The point of tonight is to kill Castro and bring back his chin pelt.
18:27 - What about making me a Texan?
18:30 Wait, all this was about trying to frame me?
18:33 - Oh, you won't fry for it.
18:36 We're just covering our own tracks.
18:38 Who'd believe you'd be man enough to kill Castro?
18:42 - Dad, you can't kill Castro.
18:45 For God's sakes, you're not even supposed to drive at night.
18:48 Now, untie me. The game is over.
18:51 - Lopez, take his clothes.
18:53 Stinky, throw him over the fence.
18:56 - 41 years old, and I didn't see it coming.
19:07 - Woo-hoo! Nice job!
19:10 - I've got to hide my nudity.
19:13 Hello? Anyone here?
19:35 Anyone here?
19:38 What the...
19:46 These 32 flags honor the birthplaces of the Alamo Defenders.
19:55 Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio, New York.
20:00 New York?
20:04 Hmm. Hmm.
20:08 They were born across America, but they died Texas heroes.
20:13 Hello?
20:16 Jim Bowie and his knife.
20:24 Easy now.
20:31 Sorry about this, Mr. Crockett.
20:35 Why am I wearing the hat?
20:38 Thanks for the lift. I don't normally hitchhike.
20:46 - Hey!
20:49 Keep moving.
20:52 - Hold on.
20:55 It's starting to drizzle.
20:58 - Oh, suck it up, stinky.
21:01 Rained for 17 days straight at Guadalcanal.
21:04 Didn't hear you complain then.
21:06 - I complained a lot.
21:08 - Stop!
21:10 - Ah, it's Little Miss New York.
21:12 - Okay.
21:14 - That's enough, Dad. I may be your son.
21:16 I can't change that.
21:18 But I'm not about to be your patsy.
21:21 - Well, I suppose you're...
21:24 - Sucker punch!
21:27 - You don't have what it takes to stop me.
21:29 Do it, Topsy!
21:32 - Oh, old guy breath.
21:35 Oh, oh, oh!
21:38 - All right, prepare to cast off.
21:42 First, we gotta figure out the direction of the wind.
21:46 Who's got saliva?
21:53 - You know, Colonel, your boy should have come up by now.
21:56 Even Topsy can't hold his breath that long.
21:59 - What? Ah, all right.
22:01 Stinky, you better get him.
22:04 - There he is! There he is!
22:10 - Don't shoot him! Jump in and save him!
22:13 - All right, Dad, it's over.
22:20 I've got your spark plugs, so you're not going anywhere.
22:23 - Ha! We don't need spark plugs.
22:25 We'll roll to Cuba.
22:28 But that's how they get here.
22:32 - I have a doctor's appointment.
22:36 I got a dull onset of diabetes.
22:39 If I don't watch my weight, they're gonna cut off my foot.
22:42 Christ, I'm hungry.
22:45 - And it's puzzle day at the rec center.
22:48 I'm gonna finish that sumbitch lighthouse.
22:51 - Fine, you sissy girls.
22:53 I'll do the job myself.
22:55 Hell, I'll swim to Cuba with this wrench between my teeth.
22:59 Then I'll pose as a beautiful female bummer.
23:03 And then, when the toilet calms in the presidential palace,
23:07 I'll, uh...
23:09 I'll, uh...
23:11 I'll...
23:12 Oh!
23:14 I just wanted to kill Castro.
23:18 - I know, Dad. I know.
23:23 - Hank, thanks again for calling.
23:26 We were starting to get worried.
23:28 - Take your hands off me, you gutter slut.
23:31 - Daddy.
23:33 Hank, informed sources tell me that you were dead in the water,
23:37 and then you came back to life.
23:39 So you were re-born in Texas,
23:41 which means you are now a native Texan.
23:45 - No, I'm not a native Texan.
23:48 I'm just a Texan.
23:50 - And I am a Texan, too.
23:53 - I don't remember seeing any Montana flag at the Alamo.
23:57 - Well, it wasn't a state yet.
23:59 - Fine, fine. Everybody's a Texan.
24:01 Change planes in Dallas, you're a Texan.
24:04 Change planes in Dallas, you're a Texan.
24:08 [♪♪♪]
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24:33 [♪♪♪]
24:47 Well, I...