King Of The Hill S12E22 Life A Loser's Manual

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00:00 "Lucky, they have baby ballerina tutus and fuzzy hoodie jammies with bunny ears. Like a teeny fuzzy bunny baby."

00:14 "That's real nice Lou Anne. Why don't you buy the baby stuff? My treat."

00:19 "Oh, thank you. I just need your credit card number."

00:24 "Oh, I don't have a credit card. Now if the computer will accept cash or my word of honor."

00:31 "You don't have a credit card, but you're a grown man."

00:35 "Yes I am."

00:37 "We are going to have a baby and it needs a normal family. I mean, there's no grandma and grandpa because mom is away in prison and daddy's off at sea working on his oil rig. Normal families buy things on credit cards."

00:53 "Then as the daddy, I will do the righteous thing. I will apply for a credit card."

01:03 "Uncle Hank, will you check my spelling on my application?"

01:10 "Oh sure Lucky. I uh, huh. Here under employer you put Costco. You never worked for Costco."

01:18 "No, but Costco gave me the slip on PP money for my settlement."

01:23 "PP money is not in employment history. And look, you left your social security number blank."

01:30 "Oh, I don't have one of them social cards or a driver's license. My dad always said a man's wallet should only hold cash, a razor blade and a lucky poker chip."

01:42 "Lucky, is that the sort of father you want to be to your child?"

01:48 "I can see you have a point. Problem is, I have no idea how to get any of these cards and things."

01:56 "Okay, I'll help. But you have to be serious. I am going to make appointments for you and you are going to keep them."

02:04 "Will this involve wearing a watch?"

02:07 "Yes it will."

02:09 "Then so be it."

02:14 "Well, it'll be hard work helping Lucky, but fun too."

02:19 "Just don't fix his teeth Hank. It's the one thing I have on him."

02:23 "Which one of you fellas ordered two dozen 39 foot aluminum rails?"

02:30 "That would be me."

02:32 "Gentlemen, I'm sure you recall my long dream of building a guard tower in my yard."

02:39 "Dale, the zoning board has turned you down six times. The last refusal was with extreme prejudice."

02:48 "True, but for a structure under 40 feet, no variance is needed. Soon you'll live under the protection of my 39 foot guard tower. The zoning board has no say."

03:01 "Dale, that is the-"

03:03 "No say! Now if you help me build it, I'll give each of you a tear in the tower of power."

03:10 "No, I want a tear."

03:13 La Peggy Hill, cha, la Peggy Hill, cha, doing dishes in the sink. La Hill.

03:29 "Yellow, Hoyt. Well, of course I'm fine. Where are you?"

03:34 "Aunt Peggy."

03:35 "To Arlen? Well, do you have a place to stay? Of course."

03:41 "Did you know Luan is having a baby? You will be a grandfather."

03:47 "Aunt Peggy, who is it?"

03:52 "Call when you get here. Luan, that was your father."

03:56 "Daddy? On the oil rig? Well, why didn't you let me talk to him?"

04:02 "Well, he only had a three minute coffee break. They are very strict on the oil rigs."

04:08 "Did you hear that, baby? Your grandpa's coming to visit you."

04:13 "We were overdoing it on salty snacks, so I put out some crudités."

04:25 "So, Peggy, I finally get to meet your brother. An oil man and a propane man. Two energy professionals in the same family."

04:38 "It truly is a momentous family day. That's why I wore my good bolo tie, not the one with the skull."

04:47 "My daddy and my baby daddy will be together in one room. Now the baby will have, like, heritage."

04:57 "There's the taxi. I'd better get the door."

05:00 "My kid sister, look at you. You ain't changed a bit."

05:08 "And look at you, letting yourself into my home without my help."

05:14 "Hank Hill, it's nice to finally meet you, Hoyt."

05:18 "Thrilled to meet you too, Hank."

05:20 "Who's this foxy little number?"

05:24 "No, Hoyt, that's your daughter, Louane."

05:27 "Daddy!"

05:29 "Last time I saw you, you were a princess this high. Now you're a grown-up beauty queen."

05:36 "So, Hoyt, time for presents. This is for you, my sister."

05:41 "Oh, thanks. Lottery tickets. And you were kind enough to scratch them."

05:49 "And here's something for this kid of yours."

05:53 "My name is Bobby, Uncle Hoyt."

05:56 "A doll?"

06:01 "Beggie, I could have swore you told me you had a little girl. Sorry, champ. Okay, Louane, it's for you."

06:08 "I love it!"

06:10 "Beggie, you and I need to, um, check on the roast while Hoyt and Louane have some time together."

06:19 "Shoot, that's right. I forgot to pay the cab driver outside. Could somebody pay him for me?"

06:25 "Uh, okay."

06:31 "Beggie, what the hell is going on here? Your brother has not been working on an oil rig."

06:39 "You are right, and I am sorry. Hank, the truth is Hoyt just got out of prison."

06:48 "What? No! Ha ha!"

06:51 "Now we're in normal family."

07:07 "How could you not tell me your own brother is a convict?"

07:11 "I was trying to protect Louane. You know she'd be crushed if she knew the truth about her father."

07:17 "But you could have told me."

07:19 "Look, Hoyt's had a troubled past, but he's here now, and I want to try to help him."

07:25 "I don't know, Peggy. Are you sure he's helpable?"

07:28 "Well, he just needs good influences, Hank. Like what you're doing with Lucky."

07:33 "Well, I guess it's worth a try. Hoyt is family, after all."

07:38 "Then we are agreed. All we have to do is fix all of Lucky's problems, reform my brother, and keep his prison record a secret from Louane. Piece of cake!"

07:54 "Well, we're doing great on our list, Lucky. Now later today, we'll go see my guy about a will. You want to make sure the right people inherit your debts."

08:05 "I feel I am in good hands."

08:07 "This will put the fire out right, guys. Here, have a beer with me."

08:23 "It's just one, Uncle Hank. I'll be straight when we meet your guy."

08:28 "County regulations come into force if the structure's area is 10 by 10 feet. So, we must be exactly 9 and 9/10 feet by 9 and 9/10 feet."

08:46 "Tell you what, man. Don't talk about no sly fox, man. Don't think of me as his, you know, man. I don't miss the old nineties, man."

08:55 "What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or does it rise to a height of exactly 39 feet, teaching the zoning board who not to mess with?"

09:08 "Ain't no answer!"

09:10 "And soon, Bill, so will they."

09:14 "So, now you're free. For Luan's sake and for your own sake, Hoyt, now you have got to straighten out."

09:22 "This is fantastic coffee, Peggy."

09:24 "Thank you, but please stay on topic. I will work with you to help, but the key word here is 'work.'"

09:31 "It's what I'm here for, to straighten out. I know we can do it. Together, you and me."

09:36 "Hi, Daddy!"

09:38 "And Luan! I invited her for breakfast. I hope that was okay. Hey, sweetums!"

09:43 "Hahaha!"

09:45 "So, today I'll fix a special breakfast for my special girl."

09:49 "A special breakfast! Yay!"

09:54 "Haha! Well, you two enjoy yourselves."

10:03 "Daddy, I've always wanted to ask..."

10:09 "You know what, darling? We need some more eggs. Can you lend me some money to go buy the eggs?"

10:15 "Of course! Is ten dollars enough?"

10:18 "Can you make it more like fifty?"

10:20 "Mhm."

10:21 "Great! I'll be back so quick you'll call me... Quicky McGee!"

10:27 "It's amazing! Uncle Hank, I never dreamed that being a straight-up citizen involved so much work."

10:38 "Well, here's the form you need. And soon you'll need this. Voter registration. It's your magic key to jury duty."

10:48 "Luan, how was breakfast with your father?"

10:52 "I don't know! He hasn't come back yet. What if Daddy got lost?"

10:57 "Hello? Uh-huh. Yeah, I understand. How much?"

11:06 "Woohoo! Yeah, baby!"

11:09 "See? Told you I was good for it."

11:16 "You know what, Hoyt? Maybe I shouldn't bail you out. Maybe this gentleman should just take you out back and teach you whatever sort of lesson he is teaching these days."

11:28 "Maybe. But how would you explain my busted face to Luan? She's kinda in a fragile state. I think that might upset her."

11:38 "Hey, sorry to interrupt, but since you're both here now, how about some double trouble? Not a chance!"

11:54 "Look, it's my job to ask. My boss is standing right here."

11:58 "I've defied the government, and yet I cannot be punished for it. He wept because there were no more worlds to conquer."

12:13 "Yeah, yeah, Redneck claim it legal, but there gotta be something wrong with it! Or because it built by Rednecks!"

12:21 "Get out here and don't stop inspecting 'til you find fault!"

12:25 "I wonder where Daddy has been all this time. Tonight we're gonna look through our family photo album together."

12:36 "Don't worry, beautiful. He's probably busy making important oil phone calls."

12:44 "Denine! You there?"

12:47 "Denine!"

12:49 "Denine!"

12:51 "I'm lucky, Dad. You're in Arlen."

12:54 "Hi, Daddy!"

13:00 "Baby girl, I need some time alone with your daddy. You know, to talk about father stuff. Go to bed early and get your baby sleep."

13:10 "Good idea. I'll be right back."

13:13 "Okay, honey. I'll be right back."

13:17 "Well, I'm a lot better now. Here, I owe you. See, on the oil rig, he's a like money."

13:23 "Dad, were you in the state oil rig or the federal?"

13:28 "Smart man."

13:31 "That means I owe you."

13:36 "I'm not sure I'm in the state oil rig."

13:40 "You're in the federal oil rig."

13:43 "That means we're like family."

13:48 "Say I got ten cigarettes and you pay me ten more for watching your back. Now, how many I got?"

13:55 "Twenty."

13:57 "No, only fifteen, 'cause I gotta pay a tax to the guard."

14:01 "Cigarette math is full of surprises."

14:04 "Hey, let's go downtown and I'll buy you some pancakes."

14:08 "Sorry, no, I have an appointment with Uncle Hank at the DMV."

14:12 "I'm pulling rank here on Uncle Hank."

14:15 "Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes."

14:19 "Number 56, window C."

14:26 "Dang it."

14:29 "Sir, I apologize on behalf of Citizen 56."

14:34 "Please don't judge him harshly. He's a good man. You have to believe me."

14:39 "I promise you this will never happen again."

14:44 "57, window C."

14:47 "Dang it."

14:50 "So he says, 'Wait, that ain't no chocolate cake!'"

14:56 "You are funny, Dad."

14:59 "Had to do something to pass the time. I'm gonna go pay a check."

15:07 "Lucky, c'est 10h. Où es-tu?"

15:11 "Oh non, Uncle Hank."

15:14 "Viens avec moi, Lucky."

15:17 "Ceux-là."

15:20 "Hey, reviens ici!"

15:22 "Viens avec moi, Lucky."

15:30 "Désolé, j'étais seul à l'entrée et c'est ouvert et il y a tous ces beaux billets de 100 dollars."

15:37 "Reviens ici!"

15:40 "Police!"

15:42 "Dang it, c'est par ici!"

15:47 "Dang this day, dang it!"

15:58 "J'ai quelque chose d'important à te dire."

16:00 "Quoi, père?"

16:01 "J'ai été à la prison plus de fois et si ils me trouvent avec tout ce monde, c'est un coup de feu et je vais mourir de bonheur."

16:07 "Père, c'est... c'est horrible."

16:10 "Si ils t'avaient trouvé avec tout ce monde, ils t'auraient fait de la paix et Lou-Anne n'aurait pas dû avoir sa tête cassée."

16:16 "Là, ils sont là!"

16:19 "Ne bougez pas!"

16:22 "D'accord, donne-moi le monde."

16:27 "J'ai surrendu. Je, le parti culpable, n'ai pas d'armes."

16:33 "S'il vous plaît, ne harmez pas mon ami innocent ici."

16:38 "Wouh, c'est proche!"

16:54 "On allait être normal, mais maintenant le bébé va être né avec un record criminel."

17:01 "Vous avez ruiné tout!"

17:04 "Hey, laissez-moi sortir!"

17:07 "Désolé, mais elle est très en colère."

17:10 "Elle est en colère? Je suis en prison!"

17:13 "Pourquoi ne pouvez-vous pas être plus comme papa?"

17:16 "Pourquoi vous laissez-vous abandonner tout ce dont nous avons travaillé?"

17:22 "Nous vous avions même fait un triple A."

17:25 "Luan a besoin de son père. Je ne peux pas la laisser partir."

17:29 "J'ai fait ce qui devait être fait."

17:32 "Bah, c'était Hoyt. Vous êtes innocent, n'êtes-vous pas?"

17:37 "Je ne sais pas combien j'aurais pu me sentir innocent si je laissais le père de Luan aller en prison pour toujours."

17:42 "Merci d'avoir aidé avec mon identité, mais vous serez intéressé de savoir que j'ai maintenant des imprints."

17:50 "L'intruder est en danger!"

17:53 "L'intruder est en danger! Le problème est en train de se faire."

17:59 "Rébelle, je vous apporte un inspecteur de l'établissement pour condamner votre état d'esprit."

18:04 "Inspecteur? Vous ne pouvez pas me toucher."

18:08 "Cette toile n'a que 99 mètres de plage, elle n'est pas résidentielle et elle n'a même pas de fondation."

18:15 "Attendez un instant. Avec une plage si éloignée et sans fondation, oubliez la loi un instant, vous êtes un complète imbécile."

18:24 "Imbécile, hein? Je n'ai pas compris, monsieur."

18:29 "Ça change les choses."

18:44 "Inspecteur, trouvez ce redneck pour une récolte de la redneckitude."

18:50 "Vous avez essayé de l'aider, mais le temps d'aider est terminé. Un homme innocent va en prison."

19:00 "Je dois juste essayer plus fort. Il est mon frère, Hank."

19:04 "Ce qui me dérange vraiment, c'est que vous savez que Hoyt va se faire encore un troisième coup."

19:12 "Je ne sais pas ce faire."

19:14 "Hey, père, je parlais à Uncle Hoyt. Est-ce vrai que si je suis emprisonné pour un crime, ils me laissent partir parce que je suis juste un enfant?"

19:24 "Pourquoi a-t-il dit ça?"

19:26 "Il dit que le système est surprenant. Il dit que Louane ne va jamais en prison parce que le juge pense qu'elle est trop jolie."

19:40 "Bobby, va à ta chambre et alphabetise tes Troll Dolls."

19:43 "Ok."

19:45 "Hoyt va nous tous éventuellement tuer, n'est-ce pas?"

19:49 "Alors, on va lui faire son troisième coup."

20:05 "Hoyt, on va dîner. On va rester ici plusieurs heures."

20:10 "Génial, profite de ça."

20:12 "Vous savez, Hank, pourquoi ne pas vous conduire? De cette façon, je peux laisser mes clés à la maison, juste ici, à côté de mon sac."

20:20 "Je vais me faire un petit déjeuner."

20:22 "Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça?"

20:40 "Oh, putain."

20:47 "Ce gars a tout mal fait."

20:49 "Ce n'était pas pour moi, c'était pour ma fille."

20:54 "Elle se médite."

20:57 "Son nom est Louane Platter, je peux vous dire où elle vit."

21:00 "Hank, tu dois me faire sortir de là. C'était un erreur."

21:08 "Tu ne vas pas sortir de là, Hoyt. Tu es trop profond."

21:11 "Lucky, il n'y a pas de raison de prendre le rap pour lui maintenant. Ça ne le fera pas de bonne façon."

21:17 "Pas si vite, je veux dire, ne mettez pas d'idées dans le cœur de l'homme, il doit y avoir un moyen."

21:23 "Hoyt, écoute, tu es terminé. La chose la plus décent serait que tu te confesses et que tu laisses sortir Lucky, pour qu'il et ta fille puissent commencer leur vie de la bonne façon."

21:39 "Hank, ne dis pas à Louane de s'être fait tomber comme ça. C'est un favoris pour moi."

21:44 "Bien, on ferait probablement ça de toute façon, mais bon, pour toi."

21:50 "Officier, Mr. Platter ici a quelque chose qu'il aimerait dire."

21:55 "Pour célébrer ma liberté et mon nouveau carte de crédit, l'Ice Cream est à moi."

22:07 "Lucky, je suis tellement fière que tu aies confié à Steven pour protéger ce petit garçon qui a vraiment fait ça."

22:14 "Mais maintenant, que va-t-il se passer à ce petit garçon?"

22:18 "Je ne peux plus mentir. C'est le moment où Louane sait la vérité."

22:24 "Quelle... vérité?"

22:27 "Le garçon qui a été détruit sera libéré et donné un nouveau vélo."

22:35 "Oh, bien. Je suis juste triste que papa ait dû retourner à son riz à l'huile. Il serait tellement fier de toi."

22:44 "Il le serait, mais ils l'ont vraiment besoin sur ce riz à l'huile. Sinon, ils ne lui auraient pas donné un contrat de vie."

22:53 "L'huile est très importante pour l'Amérique."