Terminal illness and death is a traumatic and emotionally challenging time for all involved, especially when it comes to sorting through the belongings of those who've passed. However, the Swedes approach things differently, they call it 'death cleaning', and they do it while they're still alive.
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00:00 It could benefit many people.
00:03 It might be a way for those who are dying to have some sense of order and agency, to
00:08 be able to methodically or otherwise go through their belongings, go through their life stories,
00:15 their photographs, their digital life, and bring that into some order in order for that
00:20 to be handed across to loved ones or to loved ones to know when it is that I can take over
00:27 some of those personal affairs or wrap things up in a way that would be in keeping with
00:31 your preferences.
00:32 But for others, that is a really difficult thing to engage with.
00:36 We're asking people in a society where I think we are often death denying.
00:41 We professionalize death.
00:42 We professionalize dying.
00:44 It's very medicalized.
00:45 It's something that is very sequestered, hidden away.
00:48 And so to do this on our own without support, without some guidance, I think that can actually
00:52 also set up a tension between people, a tension within us.
00:57 And so I think we need to sort of be aware that this is not for everybody.
01:00 It's for some of us.
01:01 It might be an approach that could be useful if we can tolerate it.
01:05 And how would you approach it?
01:07 I mean, how would you, let's just say you have a loved one whom you know has a terminal
01:13 illness.
01:14 How would you approach them to perhaps suggest going through this process together?
01:19 I think the way that you've just talked about that is how would you suggest rather than
01:23 tell?
01:24 You know, I think there's a very different emphasis that's placed on when we might encourage
01:28 somebody when we might begin a conversation with somebody as opposed to telling them that
01:32 this is what needs to be done.
01:34 And I think some of the key things that we might sort of have to, number one, sort of
01:39 be aware of is how much openness, how much, how much frankness has there been between
01:45 us about what's happening?
01:48 Are they aware of the fact that there is a medical illness, a medical diagnosis that
01:53 will result and has a life limiting sort of timeframe?
01:57 You know, there are cultures in which talking to somebody about death and dying is not okay.
02:01 And so to respect that as well.
02:04 It might also be that we say something like, hey, you know, on the background, given what
02:09 the doctors have said, given what we now know, I wonder, have you given any thought to what
02:13 you would like to have done with your belongings, with what remains?
02:17 If you don't want that to happen, that's completely fine.
02:19 I can handle that.
02:20 But if you do, to let you know that I can be part of that with you, which is not an
02:25 easy conversation for anybody to have, but might be a way to spark, to begin that conversation
02:30 so that you know people's wishes beforehand.
02:32 Yeah, it is very...
02:34 Yes.
02:35 That might be an ongoing conversation.
02:37 You might need to come back and have that another time.
02:40 You know, it may not be at that intense moment.
02:42 You could come back another time.
02:44 These are very, very difficult conversations to have with your loved one as well.
02:49 And of course, we're only talking about a situation where there is time to have these
02:54 conversations as we said earlier, you know, death can come suddenly.
02:58 I do want to talk about after though, after the loved one has passed.
03:03 How do you know when you've grieved?
03:07 What are the signs?
03:08 What are you looking for?
03:09 How do you know it's over?
03:11 This is a question I would say is one of the most common questions that I'm asked in my
03:18 practice.
03:19 And it comes in different variations.
03:22 People say it in different ways.
03:23 How long will this last?
03:24 When will I be over it?
03:26 When will I know that it's over?
03:28 And I think in popular sort of terms, we think about grief as being something that has a
03:32 start and a finish.
03:33 There's something finite about it.
03:35 And I would argue something very differently.
03:37 I think grief is the way that we relate to somebody.
03:40 And that person is no longer here with us.
03:43 They've died, but we continue to relate with them in our thoughts, in the way that they
03:47 influence and impact on our lives, in the way that we might continue to have to sort
03:51 through their belongings, in the way that we see our children grow up and resemble aspects
03:56 of that person.
03:57 In all those different ways, we will continue to love and grieve.
04:01 And so I have a sense that love and grief is enduring, but that the intensity of that
04:07 grief, that really sort of stark sense of despair and that intensity of suffering that
04:17 we feel over time, what I do know is that begins to ebb and flow as we confront and
04:22 accept the reality of that person being dead.
04:27 Not that we accept that it's OK for them to be dead, it's that we accept they have died.
04:32 And I think with that comes over time a sense of being able to accept that, OK, I have a
04:38 different way of relating now.
04:39 I grieve and I will grieve their loss and their missing for the rest of my life too.
04:44 Wendy, we're just running out of time, but I want to ask you this one last question.
04:49 If you could make your answer brief, and I know it's difficult.
04:53 We have been talking, of course, about preparation and having the luxury of being able to prepare
04:59 for your death.
05:01 But as we've said, death can come suddenly as well.
05:03 Do you think this process of death cleaning could be a way for us to prioritize what's
05:10 important in our lives?
05:13 I think yes.
05:14 And I think the idea of death cleaning of itself, if we think about it as death prepping,
05:18 we're preparing for our death, thinking about and refining what it is that is most important
05:22 in our life, whether or not that's possessions, relationships, whether or not there's the
05:27 things that we like and don't like to do.
05:29 We have different ways that we might relate to belongings, but we might also consider
05:33 what's most important in our life, in both our life and after we've died.
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