Hot Tub Time Machine 2 is a 2015 American science-fiction comedy film directed by Steve Pink and written by Josh Heald. The film stars Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke, Adam Scott, Chevy Chase, and Gillian Jacobs. It is the sequel to the 2010 film Hot Tub Time Machine. The film was released on February 20, 2015. John Cusack, who played Adam Yates and produced the first film, does not return in the theatrical cut, but has a brief cameo in the unrated version. The film grossed $13 million against a budget of $14–18 million, and reviews were generally unfavorable, deeming it "unfunny" and "unoriginal".
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00 [ Music ]
00:00:19 [ Silence ]
00:00:23 [ Sound Effects ]
00:00:35 >> Whose fucking phone is on?
00:00:38 >> We're going to just shut you up, okay, Mr. Georgian?
00:00:42 >> Hey, do I need a nipple rouge?
00:00:45 >> Can we get, I don't, uh.
00:00:46 >> Do I need a nipple rouge?
00:00:48 >> Yeah, touch up his nipples, please.
00:00:50 >> Ha, ha, ha, what kind of brush is that?
00:00:53 Is that rabbit fur?
00:00:54 >> Lou Georgian, the legendary lead singer of metal supergroup Motley Lou,
00:00:59 who burst onto the world stage out of nowhere to become the very definition of a rock god.
00:01:04 Living the dream with high school sweetheart Kelly Georgian.
00:01:07 So how did the ultimate party animal get the inspiration to build the most innovative,
00:01:12 forward-thinking tech company in the world?
00:01:15 >> I don't have to tell you where I got my inspiration from, first of all,
00:01:18 because that's called intellectual property and I can copyright that shit.
00:01:22 Just like I copyrighted the word "well," you can't even say "well" without paying me money.
00:01:27 >> Uh, well, I--
00:01:28 >> You owe me money.
00:01:29 >> Lou Georgian's best friend is yet another American success story, music mogul Nick Webber.
00:01:34 >> Ever since I wrote "Let's Get It Started" back in '86, I've been on the road.
00:01:38 So, um, Mbop, Triple Platinum, a lot of stations still playing Gin and Juicy Juice,
00:01:45 You Oughta Know, Feeling Like Teen Spirit.
00:01:48 I guess you could say I take from a lot of artists.
00:01:50 Take my inspiration from a lot of artists.
00:01:53 I don't--I don't take their stuff.
00:01:57 That's--who would do that?
00:01:59 >> Yeah, ask me anything.
00:02:01 >> Okay.
00:02:02 How's your relationship with your father?
00:02:04 >> I don't want to talk about that.
00:02:06 >> Struggling to find his own place in the world, Jacob Dorchan comments on his father's game-changing innovation.
00:02:12 >> He didn't invent "goot" "loogle."
00:02:15 He could invent his way out of a fucking paper bag.
00:02:18 And that's--that's not a turn of phrase.
00:02:21 That's anecdotal evidence.
00:02:22 He got caught in a giant paper bag a couple weeks ago.
00:02:25 >> Adam, Adam Yates, yes, he rounds out our Three Musketeer posse.
00:02:29 He made it real big with his best-selling novel "Jacuzzi Time Lord."
00:02:33 But Adam, he's off on an experiential journey.
00:02:38 I got a feeling we'll see him again.
00:02:42 I got a feeling.
00:02:43 I got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night.
00:02:48 Just came to me.
00:02:50 >> One fateful ski trip in 1986 seemed to kick-start their lives into high gear.
00:02:54 But what was it like to grow up alongside these future stars?
00:02:57 We turned to high school pal Gary Winkle.
00:03:00 >> Bet you guys didn't know that I was supposed to go on that trip, huh?
00:03:03 I stood outside all day, but they never showed.
00:03:07 Left me hanging.
00:03:08 You know what I got that weekend?
00:03:10 Chlamydia from the batting cages.
00:03:12 My best buddies go up the mountain as regular Joes and come down fucking rich.
00:03:16 I mean, how did that happen?
00:03:18 >> I mean, at the end of the day, just a simple guy like you who had a couple of great ideas
00:03:24 that happened to make him a bunch of money, that's it.
00:03:27 How was I supposed to know that it would change the fabric of our existence?
00:03:31 I couldn't, you know?
00:03:32 I couldn't unless I had some sort of...
00:03:36 [sniffles]
00:03:38 [music]
00:03:46 [music]
00:03:51 [music stops]
00:03:53 [music]
00:04:04 ♪ You say I only hear what I want to ♪
00:04:10 [music]
00:04:16 ♪ And you say I only hear what I want to ♪
00:04:21 ♪ I don't listen hard, I don't be listening ♪
00:04:24 ♪ Listening, glistening, in the sun I'm glistening ♪
00:04:27 ♪ When I'm laying down in the sun, I put on some lotion ♪
00:04:31 ♪ No, no, no, no ♪
00:04:36 ♪ Turn the radio on, I turn the radio up ♪
00:04:39 ♪ And this woman... ♪
00:04:40 >> Cut!
00:04:41 Let's reset.
00:04:42 Do it again.
00:04:43 >> One word, Nick.
00:04:44 Fucking amazing.
00:04:45 >> Don't fuck with my groove, Terry.
00:04:47 [music]
00:04:52 >> Hey, Nick.
00:04:53 >> Youngblood.
00:04:54 >> Rip off any pop stars lately?
00:04:55 >> Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:04:56 For your information, today I recorded an original piece.
00:04:58 >> Really?
00:04:59 >> Okay, it was that Lisa Love song.
00:05:01 >> Well, as much of it as I can remember.
00:05:03 >> The lyrics I made up were original.
00:05:04 >> Listen, Nick, I get it.
00:05:06 You don't have any natural talent.
00:05:08 >> All I know is that hot tub made me a king, and it's my duty to live up to the throne.
00:05:11 >> All right, I can't see you right now, but I'm going to assume you're putting "king" and "throne" in quotes.
00:05:15 [music]
00:05:17 >> What do you want?
00:05:18 >> Hey, Nick, I'm sorry.
00:05:19 I'm not trying to be a dick.
00:05:21 Are you coming to Lou's party?
00:05:22 >> I got to talk to Courtney.
00:05:23 I'm, uh, I don't know.
00:05:25 >> How is Courtney?
00:05:26 >> You know.
00:05:27 >> Oh, really?
00:05:28 Still fighting, huh?
00:05:29 Why don't you just write her a Josh Groban song?
00:05:31 [phone beeps]
00:05:32 [laughs]
00:05:33 >> Hello?
00:05:34 [inhales]
00:05:35 Oh, shit!
00:05:38 Cocaine!
00:05:40 Fuck!
00:05:41 [grunts]
00:05:42 Oh, God.
00:05:43 Oh, my God.
00:05:44 Don't fucking sneak up on me like that, huh?
00:05:47 Knock on something!
00:05:48 >> You took most of the doors out and put beads up, Lou.
00:05:50 What am I supposed to fucking knock on?
00:05:52 >> What do you want?
00:05:53 Put it down!
00:05:54 What, do you want a round of applause?
00:05:59 >> Thank you, Jacob, for making sure we don't starve to death, even though this is completely ridiculous and inappropriate, what we're doing.
00:06:04 You're welcome, Mom and Dad.
00:06:05 I'm just happy that you guys are happy.
00:06:08 >> The fuck are you still doing here?
00:06:10 >> Today's my birthday, by the way.
00:06:12 >> Happy birthday?
00:06:13 >> Oh, thanks, Mom.
00:06:14 >> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:06:16 I got you something.
00:06:18 It'll be here tomorrow via FedEx.
00:06:21 >> Right.
00:06:22 >> Daddy's little buddy's turning into Daddy's big buddy.
00:06:24 >> I'm going to help you out.
00:06:25 It's not really my birthday.
00:06:27 Do you know what day it is?
00:06:28 >> Mmm...
00:06:31 [claps]
00:06:32 >> Okay.
00:06:35 Enjoy your shit.
00:06:36 The sooner you choke to death on it, the sooner I get all this.
00:06:39 >> Any other questions, or is this interview over?
00:06:44 Don't let the lack of a door hit you on the way out.
00:06:48 He just gets me so mad.
00:06:50 >> So who's he?
00:06:51 >> That's my butler.
00:06:53 And our son, consequently.
00:06:55 >> Oh, my God, right.
00:06:58 >> Lisa Lowe?
00:07:00 >> Oh, my God.
00:07:01 I can't believe Nick Webber knows the name of the cat wrangler.
00:07:04 >> Yeah, crazy, right?
00:07:05 >> You know, I just have to tell you, I really love this song so much.
00:07:08 It feels so personal.
00:07:10 It's almost violating.
00:07:15 >> I'm so sorry.
00:07:18 [music]
00:07:27 >> Yeah!
00:07:31 Nailed it!
00:07:32 [music]
00:07:38 >> All rise!
00:07:41 Penis court is now in session.
00:07:45 The honorable judge Lou Dorchin presiding.
00:07:48 >> Mr. Dorchin, could we get this board meeting started?
00:07:50 >> Yeah.
00:07:51 Brad, do your thing.
00:07:52 >> Ladies and gentlemen, Lugol is at a crossroads.
00:07:55 >> Whoo!
00:07:56 We did it, guys.
00:07:58 We got to the crossroads!
00:08:00 >> The predators Lycos and Geocities are crushing us.
00:08:03 >> Those guys are fucking nerds, Brad.
00:08:05 >> What about Yahoo, huh?
00:08:06 Where are they?
00:08:07 >> Yahoo?
00:08:08 What's Yahoo?
00:08:09 >> Exactly.
00:08:10 >> As your head of R&D, I have to tell you that Lugol cannot continue down this path.
00:08:14 >> Well, that's why I moved us to New Orleans, Brad.
00:08:16 The Silicon Valley of the south.
00:08:19 Huh?
00:08:20 Oh, shit!
00:08:21 Shit, Susan, look.
00:08:22 Turn around.
00:08:23 Turn around right now.
00:08:24 Susan, quick, quick, quick.
00:08:25 >> I'm not going to look, Lou.
00:08:26 >> Susan, I promise it's not a dick and balls this time.
00:08:28 I swear to God.
00:08:29 >> Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:08:30 >> Dick and balls!
00:08:31 You looked at a dick and balls.
00:08:33 I burned you.
00:08:35 >> I can't believe I let you talk me into joining this sinking ship.
00:08:39 I was one of engineering quarterlies 30 under 30.
00:08:42 >> Really?
00:08:43 >> I was on track to be 20 under 40, but now I'm zero under fuck me.
00:08:47 You fucked me, Lou.
00:08:49 You fucked my whole life.
00:08:50 My brother works at the NSA, and I work for a madman.
00:08:53 >> Madman is a great show.
00:08:55 >> Sometimes I wish I could just...
00:08:58 >> Okay, okay.
00:09:00 Looks like you're hungry for an idea.
00:09:02 So why doesn't Uncle Lou give you guys a little taste, huh?
00:09:06 If you combine the right amounts of nitrotronadium,
00:09:10 specifically heated water, in a specialized basin,
00:09:14 you get the elements necessary for time travel.
00:09:18 Boom!
00:09:20 Shotgun to the dick!
00:09:23 I'm going to be in the lab trying to save this company.
00:09:27 >> Yeah!
00:09:29 [rock music]
00:09:32 ♪ ♪
00:09:43 >> Why are all these people here?
00:09:45 Are we having another seance?
00:09:46 >> Yeah, every day is a seance, baby.
00:09:49 Every day is a seance.
00:09:51 I fucking hate you so much, Lou.
00:09:53 >> I fucking hate you too, baby.
00:09:55 >> Courtney, it's not a big deal.
00:09:57 >> Well, maybe it's not a big deal to you,
00:09:59 but she's my only sister, and we never go visit her.
00:10:02 >> It's the Grammys.
00:10:03 >> It's always the Grammys.
00:10:06 >> It's not always the Grammys.
00:10:08 Sometimes it's the Grammys.
00:10:10 ♪ ♪
00:10:14 >> Look at you.
00:10:17 Every fucking year, Lou.
00:10:18 Hey, enough with this dad stuff.
00:10:20 Call me Lou.
00:10:21 Why do I have to pretend to be your butler?
00:10:23 >> You are my butler.
00:10:24 >> No, Lou, just 'cause my room's near the bar
00:10:26 and I'm good at receiving guests,
00:10:27 and holy fuck, I'm your butler.
00:10:29 Well, hey, Lou, what do you think about maybe this summer,
00:10:32 you know, I come work with you at Lugol?
00:10:34 >> This is--this is what I'll do for you, okay?
00:10:36 We ever come up with a division where you sit on the couch
00:10:39 and masturbate while playing video games?
00:10:41 I'll get you an interview.
00:10:42 >> You started an interactive porno division.
00:10:45 We have that.
00:10:46 Even that retarded Venn diagram you just mentioned exists.
00:10:49 >> Listen, you are a key part of this operation, Jacob.
00:10:54 >> Really?
00:10:55 >> You're my chief mixologist.
00:10:57 >> Yay.
00:10:58 >> Bloops.
00:10:59 I love you, buddy.
00:11:02 >> Hey, Courtney, your tits look fantastic.
00:11:05 >> Eat shit, Lou.
00:11:07 [laughter]
00:11:09 >> [groans]
00:11:11 >> She's one of the good ones, man.
00:11:13 Come on, let's get a drink.
00:11:15 [upbeat music]
00:11:29 >> Jeez, this place is like a death trap, huh?
00:11:31 It's lousy with statues and a lot of coats, right?
00:11:36 Not a lot of coats.
00:11:37 >> Can I take your jacket?
00:11:39 >> Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:11:40 I'm actually kind of on the job tonight.
00:11:43 It's my dad's party.
00:11:45 He runs Louisville.
00:11:46 >> What do you do?
00:11:47 >> You know, I'm just kind of a jack of all trades.
00:11:49 >> So you're the butler.
00:11:51 >> Oh.
00:11:52 [laughs]
00:11:53 Come on.
00:11:54 Do I look like a butler to you?
00:11:56 >> You look exactly like a butler.
00:11:59 >> Goddamn it, it's good to see you, man.
00:12:01 >> You too, buddy.
00:12:03 >> Man, the tub, huh?
00:12:06 Really turned it all around.
00:12:08 >> It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
00:12:12 >> You ever wish we could go back for one more dip?
00:12:15 You know, tweak some things.
00:12:17 Use time travel for more important reasons.
00:12:20 Too bad the tub is gone.
00:12:22 >> Yeah.
00:12:24 Too bad.
00:12:26 >> Oh, fuck.
00:12:28 >> Oh.
00:12:29 >> Sorry.
00:12:30 >> What the fuck, Lou?
00:12:31 >> Nick, knack, patty, wax.
00:12:33 Give a dog a what?
00:12:34 >> Gary.
00:12:35 >> Winko.
00:12:36 Look at this.
00:12:37 Look, Lou spilled his drink on me, so I don't have to talk to you.
00:12:41 >> You look nice.
00:12:42 >> Okay, just laying it all out there.
00:12:44 Where are me and you right now on a scale of like dinner and a movie to tropical sex vacation?
00:12:50 >> Rod and I, it's never, ever going to happen, part of the scale.
00:12:53 >> So like a four?
00:12:55 >> One and a half.
00:12:56 Minus the half.
00:12:58 >> What are you selling, Gary?
00:13:00 >> What? No love for Gary Winkle?
00:13:02 >> Okay, but it is a sound investment this time, I'm telling you, man.
00:13:05 >> No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no.
00:13:07 It is only 12 blocks from the river, pristine lot.
00:13:10 You can build an office tower, nightclub combo, whatever the fuck.
00:13:15 >> I don't care.
00:13:16 >> Okay, I get it, man, I get it, I get it, I'm a loser.
00:13:18 Okay, I'm always going to be a loser.
00:13:20 I'm not like you guys.
00:13:21 I didn't magically turn it all around after that ski trip.
00:13:23 All I got is this piece of land, and I know it's a piece of shit, okay?
00:13:27 But it's, it can be our piece of shit.
00:13:30 >> Not interested to pass him.
00:13:35 >> We are live!
00:13:38 Coming to you from the heart of the bayou, at the height of his career,
00:13:43 worth $2.3 billion.
00:13:47 Introducing Lou "The Violator" Dorshaw!
00:13:55 [cheers and applause]
00:13:57 [music]
00:14:08 [cheers and applause]
00:14:14 >> We've grown quite a bit over the years, haven't we?
00:14:17 Some of us have achieved our dreams.
00:14:19 Others have found new dreams to chase.
00:14:22 You know, I bet, I bet there's not a person in this room
00:14:25 who, given the chance to do it all over again, would do it any differently.
00:14:28 Am I right? Am I right?
00:14:31 [cheers and applause]
00:14:35 And if you believe that, if you truly believe that in your heart of hearts,
00:14:40 well, then, you're all a bunch of fucking morons.
00:14:46 Genius.
00:14:47 Life is about do-overs, okay?
00:14:51 And if you see your second chance peeking its dick around a corner, snatch it!
00:14:57 Grab it! Take my advice!
00:14:59 Look at the people you love most in this world,
00:15:01 and you tell them to go fuck themselves.
00:15:04 Because life is about number one.
00:15:06 Numero...
00:15:08 ...luno!
00:15:11 So come on, it's a party, right?
00:15:13 Let's all get nude and fuuuuuuuuck!
00:15:22 [dramatic music]
00:15:27 [screaming]
00:15:30 Oh, shit.
00:15:31 No!
00:15:32 [screaming]
00:15:34 About time someone manned up and shot the bastard.
00:15:37 [laughter]
00:15:39 Holy shit, he's been shot.
00:15:40 And the dick shit is bad!
00:15:42 Somebody call an ambulance!
00:15:43 Nick!
00:15:44 Yeah, buddy?
00:15:45 You got your hand on my penis!
00:15:47 I'm applying direct pressure!
00:15:48 You don't have to touch it that hard.
00:15:49 My hand is acting as a tourniquet!
00:15:50 Well, you work his dick, whatever.
00:15:51 No, no, no, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke!
00:15:53 Stay with me, stay with me!
00:15:54 Look at me, look at me.
00:15:55 Who shot...
00:15:56 [grunting]
00:15:58 ...Tuxedo?
00:15:59 Tuxedo?
00:16:00 That motherfucker!
00:16:01 I think he's saying "tuxedo."
00:16:02 Tuxedo!
00:16:03 Oh, God, it hurts so bad!
00:16:05 Who the fuck's wearing a tuxedo?
00:16:06 [crying]
00:16:08 What?
00:16:09 Okay, first of all, this isn't a tuxedo.
00:16:11 This is a morning suit.
00:16:12 It's way more casual.
00:16:13 Mm-hmm.
00:16:14 Don't you watch "Downton Abbey"?
00:16:15 I was standing right there beside you.
00:16:17 I didn't fucking shoot him.
00:16:18 I want my dick back!
00:16:20 Luke will fucking die.
00:16:21 He's out of time!
00:16:22 No, he's not.
00:16:23 [moaning]
00:16:24 We'll give him more time.
00:16:25 What?
00:16:26 Grab his arms.
00:16:27 Oh, God, I take it back!
00:16:29 I take it back!
00:16:30 I don't want to suck a dick!
00:16:32 It hurts so bad!
00:16:34 Oh, God!
00:16:35 Oh, God!
00:16:36 Oh!
00:16:37 What the fuck are you doing?
00:16:39 Hang on.
00:16:40 Trust me.
00:16:41 [beeping]
00:16:43 [music playing]
00:16:46 [groaning]
00:16:48 [grunting]
00:16:51 [music playing]
00:16:54 [grunting]
00:16:55 Holy shit.
00:17:00 I know, right?
00:17:01 How?
00:17:02 He stole it.
00:17:03 I stole time.
00:17:04 I stole the whole ski lodge.
00:17:08 Check it out.
00:17:09 Pure nitro trinadium.
00:17:10 Lou got it from the Russians.
00:17:11 He told them he was going to build them a bomb.
00:17:13 Classic Lou.
00:17:14 Yeah, they've never seen "Back to the Future."
00:17:15 All right, everybody get in.
00:17:17 A little help here?
00:17:18 Come on, Lou.
00:17:19 You got to earn it.
00:17:20 Adam's trench gun?
00:17:22 The fuck is this?
00:17:23 Is Adam here?
00:17:24 Come on.
00:17:25 [groaning]
00:17:27 Stay with me, Violator.
00:17:30 Where's my hair?
00:17:32 And where are my power lines?
00:17:34 Fuck your fucking wig.
00:17:35 We got to go back in time and stop the killer
00:17:37 before he shoots Lou.
00:17:38 [groaning]
00:17:41 No, that's how it works.
00:17:42 You get blackout drunk, you hallucinate,
00:17:45 and you wake up back in time.
00:17:46 Don't mess with the winning formula, huh?
00:17:48 Shut me up, I get pussy!
00:17:51 Yo, Chuck, the fat daddy roast man
00:17:53 got a Mundo Su6 on your jeans.
00:17:56 Show 'em what you got.
00:17:57 This style seems wild.
00:17:58 Wait before you treat me like a stepchild.
00:18:00 Let me tell you why they got me on file,
00:18:02 'cause I give you what you lack.
00:18:04 Come ride in Xs and accused of doing harm.
00:18:06 'Cause I'm louder than a bomb.
00:18:08 Come on, come on, loud!
00:18:11 Come on, come on, loud!
00:18:13 Guys, I feel fucking great.
00:18:16 I think it worked.
00:18:17 [screaming]
00:18:18 I am a rock-hard trooper to the bone, the bone, the bone.
00:18:22 Move drones, consider me stoned.
00:18:24 Once again, and I say it for you to know,
00:18:26 the trooper's always ready.
00:18:28 I am Geronimo, your CIA, your CIA kid.
00:18:31 Both King and X, they got rid of both.
00:18:33 Possess a grip, no.
00:18:34 Yo, I ain't no toast.
00:18:36 And, and that's a brag and a bullshit.
00:18:37 And plus, it ain't no secret why they tapping my phone.
00:18:40 I'm so, I can't keep it a secret,
00:18:42 so I decided to kick it, yo.
00:18:44 And yes, it weighs a ton.
00:18:45 I say it once again, having my phone.
00:18:47 Never leave me alone.
00:18:48 I'm even lethal when I'm unarmed.
00:18:50 'Cause I'm louder than a bomb.
00:18:52 What is that breathing?
00:18:53 I think he's gone.
00:18:55 [eerie music]
00:18:58 ♪ ♪
00:19:05 [water splashing]
00:19:13 [grunts]
00:19:15 Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick.
00:19:16 Help, help, help.
00:19:18 [grunts]
00:19:20 Lou, Lou, Lou.
00:19:22 [laughs]
00:19:26 [eerie music]
00:19:29 I guess we were too late.
00:19:31 Life is fucking weird, you know?
00:19:33 Like, I, I spent so much time hating him.
00:19:36 And now that he's gone, I can't help but feel--
00:19:39 Love.
00:19:40 No, no, not love.
00:19:41 Don't be stupid.
00:19:42 Respect?
00:19:43 No, that's still way too strong a word.
00:19:46 Admiration?
00:19:47 I mean, there's nothing admirable about him.
00:19:49 Well, I mean, he's your dad.
00:19:50 Honor, maybe?
00:19:51 Not honor.
00:19:52 I mean, that falls kind of with respect and admiration.
00:19:54 Maybe just kind of a--
00:19:55 Just a general sense of--
00:19:57 Missing, you miss him.
00:19:58 Yeah, I miss him.
00:19:59 I'm gonna fucking miss him.
00:20:00 What are you doing?
00:20:01 You up in heaven, raping angels?
00:20:03 Good for you, buddy.
00:20:05 [sighs]
00:20:08 Oh, God.
00:20:12 What the fuck?
00:20:13 I saw this on CSI,
00:20:14 that the bowels evacuate when the body dies.
00:20:17 Oh.
00:20:18 That smells like hatred.
00:20:20 This is gonna get worse before he gets mad at me.
00:20:22 My dick!
00:20:23 [screaming]
00:20:25 It worked!
00:20:26 Wait, look, look, look!
00:20:29 That's a good-looking dick to me!
00:20:31 [laughing]
00:20:33 My dick is back!
00:20:35 [sighs]
00:20:36 How far back did we go?
00:20:38 I don't know.
00:20:43 [dramatic music]
00:20:46 ♪ ♪
00:20:53 We put a big dryer in
00:20:54 so we don't have to time travel naked.
00:20:56 This is different.
00:20:58 It's like a--
00:20:59 It's a Canadian gay bar.
00:21:02 Looks like a Miami Ikea.
00:21:04 Dude, it looks amazing.
00:21:05 I mean, look how classy it is.
00:21:07 It's like a museum.
00:21:09 ♪ ♪
00:21:14 [gasps]
00:21:16 [yells]
00:21:18 Who--who is this?
00:21:21 I think it's Jacob.
00:21:23 Why am I bald?
00:21:25 What did you do?
00:21:27 I didn't do that.
00:21:28 You look like a pedophile dressed you.
00:21:30 You look like a Jewish Jason Statham.
00:21:32 You look like Michael Chicklet's fucked Big Daddy Warbucks
00:21:35 who fucked Lex Luthor.
00:21:37 That's what it is.
00:21:38 And who's the little doggy?
00:21:40 What's he do--
00:21:41 What's he just do in there like this?
00:21:43 Why are you fucking that doggy?
00:21:45 Why would I be fucking the dog?
00:21:46 Power over nature.
00:21:48 Hey, you.
00:21:50 ♪ ♪
00:21:52 Is that the Kochek girl?
00:21:54 ♪ ♪
00:21:57 Blup.
00:21:58 Hey, how are you?
00:21:59 Oh.
00:22:00 ♪ ♪
00:22:02 I didn't know you had company.
00:22:03 Yeah, I guess.
00:22:04 Hey, Nick.
00:22:05 'Sup?
00:22:06 What's he doing here?
00:22:08 This is my house.
00:22:10 ♪ ♪
00:22:12 Think that'll hold you till later?
00:22:14 Yeah.
00:22:15 Bye, Nick.
00:22:16 Bye.
00:22:18 See you at the club?
00:22:19 ♪ ♪
00:22:23 That Kochek girl is rude.
00:22:25 I like her.
00:22:26 I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here, right?
00:22:29 What?
00:22:30 Alternate universe.
00:22:32 Like fringe.
00:22:33 ♪ Nerd, you're a fucking nerd ♪
00:22:37 ♪ Nerd, you're a fucking nerd ♪
00:22:41 ♪ No one likes you ♪
00:22:43 ♪ No one likes you ♪
00:22:45 Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen.
00:22:48 Hello?
00:22:49 Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen.
00:22:52 Duck dynasty?
00:22:54 Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen.
00:22:56 Duck fucking dynasty!
00:22:59 Just try the news.
00:23:01 News selected.
00:23:02 Thank you, Mr. Dorchen.
00:23:03 Tune in tomorrow for the challenge round.
00:23:05 Eat a boot, eat your feelings.
00:23:08 Choosy-doosy.
00:23:09 I think I may be Mr. Dorchen,
00:23:11 but I think this is my house.
00:23:13 No way. I think he's right, Lou.
00:23:14 That's impossible.
00:23:15 You heard it, he just answered me.
00:23:16 Uh-uh.
00:23:17 March 26, 2025.
00:23:19 From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters
00:23:21 in New York.com,
00:23:22 this is "The Daily Show with Jessica Williams."
00:23:25 2025.
00:23:26 ♪ ♪
00:23:28 Hey, welcome to "The Daily Show."
00:23:30 I'm Jessica Williams.
00:23:31 Tonight's guest, Dame Jennifer Lawrence,
00:23:34 promoting her Meryl Streep biopic,
00:23:36 "Streepin' It Real."
00:23:37 Hey, how do they get the people to be on this show?
00:23:40 So, by now, you've all seen the NSA satellite footage
00:23:43 of the road rage incident
00:23:44 between two self-driving smart cars in New Detroit.
00:23:47 President Neil Patrick Harris has called
00:23:49 for greater regulation of the industry,
00:23:51 while congressional Republicans defend
00:23:53 every sentient automobile's constitutional right
00:23:56 to shoot a black car if it's acting funny.
00:23:59 [laughter]
00:24:01 Still got it.
00:24:03 Holy shit.
00:24:04 We went ten years into the future.
00:24:06 ♪ ♪
00:24:11 [gasps]
00:24:13 I'm distinguished.
00:24:15 I should shave this, right?
00:24:17 Yeah, that's not a good look.
00:24:19 This is so smooth, I don't think I went bald.
00:24:21 I think this is a choice,
00:24:22 like an Andre Agassi or Bruce Willis or something.
00:24:24 You don't look anything like either of those two people.
00:24:27 For one, they're fit and handsome,
00:24:29 and you are neither of those things.
00:24:30 You look like a turtle crawled out of a shell.
00:24:32 Fuck you for making me bald.
00:24:34 You look like an orchestra conductor for Stray Cats.
00:24:37 You look like you give lectures on public access.
00:24:40 You look like a grown-up Gerber baby.
00:24:42 You look like an egg gave birth to another egg.
00:24:44 You look like Gandalf the Poor.
00:24:46 Hm.
00:24:47 You look like you advise Lando Calrissian.
00:24:49 That's a good one.
00:24:50 You look like the guy that owns the one house
00:24:52 that ruins the whole street.
00:24:53 Have I bombed anything, you think?
00:24:55 You look like you've never made a correct decision.
00:24:57 Ever.
00:24:58 I have definitely given a back-alley blowjob.
00:25:01 I gotta admit, I kinda like this.
00:25:02 I wanna hit you into the corner pocket.
00:25:04 Now I know why the Kochek girl didn't like me.
00:25:07 I look like fucking shit.
00:25:09 So far, so good on this future shit, huh?
00:25:16 Yeah.
00:25:17 You know, I don't feel like anything bad's gonna happen.
00:25:20 Uh-oh.
00:25:22 Hey, check it out.
00:25:23 I found all the gear from the painting.
00:25:24 Cool, huh?
00:25:25 Whoa.
00:25:26 [laughing]
00:25:28 What happened to the bottom of your suit?
00:25:30 Did that pesky little doggy eat it?
00:25:32 It's called fashion, Lou.
00:25:34 You look like--
00:25:35 Nope, not doing any more "you look like."
00:25:36 What you look like?
00:25:37 I don't give a shit we did on the stairs,
00:25:38 we did it in front of the mirror.
00:25:39 It'd be tacky to do it a third time.
00:25:41 Anyway, do you guys want some fresh clothes?
00:25:43 I got a whole closet full of stuff.
00:25:44 I love his shirt.
00:25:45 My shit is fly.
00:25:46 Weren't you listening to my speech, dude?
00:25:48 Always pack a bag.
00:25:51 Hey, is that--
00:25:54 No, it is not.
00:25:56 I didn't get--
00:25:57 I know it's not.
00:25:58 I saw it in the ceiling.
00:25:59 Don't say anything.
00:26:00 Was that the Cincinnati box?
00:26:01 Shh!
00:26:02 Shh!
00:26:03 Don't say that out loud.
00:26:04 It might hear you.
00:26:05 You're really never going to tell me
00:26:06 what's inside that box?
00:26:08 OK, we'll tell you.
00:26:10 We'll tell him.
00:26:11 I'm going to tell him.
00:26:12 Lou?
00:26:13 It's the Declaration of Independence
00:26:14 with a map on the back.
00:26:15 Our family's chosen.
00:26:17 Yep.
00:26:18 That's just a plot in that movie "National Treasure."
00:26:20 Stark of the Covenant.
00:26:21 Well, that's "Raiders of the Lost Ark."
00:26:22 You're not even trying.
00:26:23 I mean, that's not even anything
00:26:24 that could be in the box.
00:26:25 OK, this is going on long enough.
00:26:27 OK.
00:26:28 It's a ring that turns you invisible
00:26:30 and carries with it the power of evil.
00:26:32 I've seen fucking movies, you guys.
00:26:33 I've seen movies.
00:26:34 Wait.
00:26:35 Why are you alive?
00:26:36 What?
00:26:37 Why are you alive?
00:26:38 We are in the future.
00:26:39 Yeah, you know what?
00:26:40 He's right.
00:26:41 Because if we went back in time, you'd be alive.
00:26:43 But we went 10 years in the fucking future.
00:26:45 You should be dead.
00:26:46 Yeah, what the fuck?
00:26:48 What you should be asking yourselves is when the fuck--
00:26:50 [yells]
00:26:51 God damn it!
00:26:53 This fucking guy again.
00:26:55 Why did you do that?
00:26:56 He's not going to tell us anything.
00:26:57 Hey, why don't you make like a fuck off and get out of here?
00:27:00 Wait, so all we have to do is go back
00:27:02 and Lou's going to be OK, right?
00:27:04 It's not that simple, really.
00:27:07 The hot tub doesn't take you where you want to go.
00:27:09 It takes you where you need to go.
00:27:11 Come on.
00:27:12 There are certain calculations and innovations
00:27:16 and salutations that haven't even come to pass yet.
00:27:19 What the hell does that mean?
00:27:21 What it means is at the present, your tub here is just a tub.
00:27:24 Wait, are you saying that time travel is not even possible?
00:27:27 Right on, Liz.
00:27:28 Give the pretty lady a flower.
00:27:30 Damn it.
00:27:31 Lizzie.
00:27:32 That's bullshit, OK?
00:27:33 We got a whole vault of nitro right here.
00:27:36 [gasps]
00:27:37 Where'd he go?
00:27:38 Where did he go?
00:27:40 What did you do with my nitro?
00:27:42 How can I take what doesn't exist yet?
00:27:44 It exists in the past.
00:27:45 How can it not exist in the future?
00:27:47 The past, the future, all very cute.
00:27:50 But who's to say the past isn't anything more
00:27:52 than the future of this present?
00:27:55 So nitro is from the future?
00:27:58 Like Terminator.
00:27:59 Yeah.
00:28:00 Oh, my god.
00:28:01 You think everything is like Terminator.
00:28:03 Because everything is like Terminator.
00:28:05 Arnold's hand gets chopped off in the past.
00:28:07 Somebody finds it, reverse engineers that shit.
00:28:09 Boom.
00:28:10 Terminator's running all around this motherfucker.
00:28:13 That's how we got nitro.
00:28:14 I don't know.
00:28:15 I never saw a Terminator.
00:28:16 Oh, fuck this guy and his riddles.
00:28:20 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:28:22 Thanks for holding them down for me.
00:28:29 Hold them down?
00:28:30 So you can beat to death the mystical time baron
00:28:32 that holds the keys to our very existence?
00:28:34 That's your fucking plan here?
00:28:35 Shut up.
00:28:36 Tighten your shit up, Lou.
00:28:37 We needed him.
00:28:38 Amateur hour.
00:28:40 This thing is awesome.
00:28:41 I probably invented it.
00:28:43 Lou sucks cocks and dicks.
00:28:48 [laughs]
00:28:50 Okay, try to stay with me.
00:28:52 This is going to get complicated.
00:28:54 This is time.
00:28:57 And you're dead.
00:28:59 So Lou was killed in our present,
00:29:01 which means that here in the future,
00:29:03 he should still be dead.
00:29:04 Well, clearly he's not fucking dead,
00:29:05 because he's sitting here, still bothering me.
00:29:07 So what that tells me is,
00:29:08 we're in a completely different future
00:29:10 on a completely different timeline.
00:29:13 Jacob, I'm the Sarlacc.
00:29:16 [mimics Sarlacc]
00:29:18 Okay.
00:29:19 Anyway, the repairman said that the past
00:29:21 is actually the future of the present
00:29:23 we're in right now.
00:29:25 So I think what that means is,
00:29:27 the killer is from the future.
00:29:30 So clearly, someone from 2025 will go back in time
00:29:33 and shoot Lou.
00:29:34 Like Looper.
00:29:35 Wow!
00:29:37 How about a fucking spoiler alert?
00:29:39 Hey, Lou, you want to go see Looper?
00:29:41 Nah, I got a thing I got to do.
00:29:43 It's in my queue.
00:29:44 That counts.
00:29:45 That's the most Bruce Willis movie we missed.
00:29:47 Is Bruce in that?
00:29:48 Okay, plainly, just by virtue of Lou
00:29:50 being here alive in 2025,
00:29:52 when we know that he died in 2015,
00:29:55 we're here to stop his future murder.
00:29:57 Which happens in the past.
00:29:59 Exactly.
00:30:00 I get this shit.
00:30:01 I'm bored by this shit.
00:30:03 Let's go check out the future strip club situation.
00:30:05 High five.
00:30:06 Did you just say high five instead of high fiving?
00:30:08 High five.
00:30:09 High five.
00:30:10 That is the laziest thing I've ever heard.
00:30:12 High five.
00:30:13 You guys want to do this?
00:30:14 No, no, you guys, we can't just fuck around.
00:30:16 We got to find your murderer.
00:30:18 Or we don't have to do any of that
00:30:20 and we go check out a strip club.
00:30:22 Oh!
00:30:24 You're flickering.
00:30:25 Ah, you're flickering.
00:30:26 I flickered? Why am I flickering?
00:30:28 By threatening your own existence.
00:30:29 Have you listened to anything I've been saying?
00:30:31 I have not listened to any of it.
00:30:33 God, okay, fine.
00:30:35 Fine.
00:30:36 We'll solve my stupid murder,
00:30:38 which hasn't happened yet.
00:30:41 Or we can just go to a strip club.
00:30:43 Ah!
00:30:44 All right, fine, the fucking murder thing.
00:30:46 Pump this shit, pump this shit, pump this shit, pump this shit.
00:30:49 So you should pump this shit like they do in the future.
00:30:52 So you should pump this shit like they do in the future.
00:30:55 So you should pump this shit, pump this shit, pump this shit.
00:30:58 So you should pump this shit like they do in the future.
00:31:01 So you should pump this shit like they do in the future.
00:31:05 [indistinct chatter]
00:31:07 Huh.
00:31:13 Nothing's really changed.
00:31:15 I mean, figure after ten years, something will be different, right?
00:31:17 [dog barking]
00:31:18 [car engine starting]
00:31:20 [dog barking]
00:31:21 That's some sexy-ass future shit right there.
00:31:27 Do you or someone you love have a problem with heroin?
00:31:31 Speed?
00:31:32 Yes. Ice?
00:31:33 Smack?
00:31:34 Whack?
00:31:35 Oh, yeah.
00:31:36 Jack?
00:31:37 Oh, yeah.
00:31:38 Al Michaels revenge?
00:31:39 Erk cocaine?
00:31:40 First order of business, we get ourselves some Al Michaels revenge, right?
00:31:42 We can help put the "U" back in, rejuvenating.
00:31:45 We're still demonizing addiction, huh?
00:31:47 Like it's some kind of sickness.
00:31:48 I cannot wait for you to hit rock bottom.
00:31:50 [laughs] Yeah.
00:31:51 Who in the future will want to kill you, Lou?
00:31:54 I don't know.
00:31:55 The only person who's ever had any motivation to kill me has been me.
00:31:59 I treat everyone with the utmost respect and kindness.
00:32:01 Lou, you tried to push me down the stairs last week.
00:32:03 As a joke!
00:32:05 Oh, my God. It's you.
00:32:09 Jacob is the murderer.
00:32:11 Not the murderer. Come on.
00:32:13 Oh, really? Because you seem to have stepped right into my life.
00:32:17 You always wanted to be the one fucking that tiger.
00:32:20 Lou, if I was gonna fucking kill you, I wouldn't use a gun, okay?
00:32:24 I would spike your mid-morning cocktail with a tasteless but potent sedative,
00:32:28 and while you slept, I would wait the nine hours for it to fully flush out of your system
00:32:32 so there's no trace, and I would take you out into the gulf and feed you to a tiger shark.
00:32:37 Damn, that's cold.
00:32:38 But I wouldn't use a gun.
00:32:40 I'll be making my own mid-morning cocktail from now on, thank you.
00:32:44 Man, I wish Adam was here. He'd know what to do.
00:32:46 You just described my whole entire life.
00:32:48 We need Adam, and he's not here.
00:32:51 Where the hell is he?
00:32:55 Holy shit.
00:32:57 When we were carrying you after you got shot,
00:32:59 I saw his trench coat beside the hot tub time machine.
00:33:02 Adam murdered me.
00:33:08 Okay, so Adam shoots Lou and then uses the hot tub to escape somewhere in time?
00:33:12 Textbook.
00:33:13 Only in our fucked up social circle is that textbook.
00:33:16 Why would Adam want to shoot you?
00:33:17 I don't know. I've only been the best of friends to him.
00:33:21 You tried to fuck his wife.
00:33:22 I tried to fuck his wife.
00:33:23 As a joke. Come on, you guys get that?
00:33:26 No.
00:33:27 You get it.
00:33:28 And Lugol Financial News, no surprise here.
00:33:32 Lugol finished trading up ten points today.
00:33:34 Nice. Looks like I turned the company around.
00:33:37 Turned you around.
00:33:39 Somebody's grumpy because they got murdered.
00:33:42 Adam, come on out. It's your best friends in the whole fucking world.
00:33:48 You sure it's the right place?
00:33:49 The Lugol search brought up Adam's location and DNA.
00:33:52 He's really got to fix his privacy settings.
00:33:54 If he's here, I'm going to kill him before he kills me.
00:33:56 Hi, can I help you?
00:33:58 Oh my God.
00:34:00 Jacob Dortchen and Nick Weber?
00:34:03 Guilty.
00:34:04 Am I on celebrity subpoena? Just tell me.
00:34:08 Tell me. Am I on celebrity subpoena?
00:34:10 And hello, sir, who are you?
00:34:12 Fuck it, wrong house.
00:34:14 Does Adam Yates live here?
00:34:16 I'm Adam Yates Steadmire.
00:34:20 Okay, so you're married to my aunt, which makes you my uncle.
00:34:24 But that means that you and I are first cousins.
00:34:28 Oh my God, you guys. This is awesome.
00:34:31 He looks like a preppy braveheart.
00:34:33 I found this photo after my mother died.
00:34:36 Great white buffalo.
00:34:41 Great white buffalo.
00:34:43 Great white buffalo.
00:34:44 Great white buffalo.
00:34:45 Great white buffalo.
00:34:46 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:34:48 So this is him, right? This is my dad?
00:34:51 So you never met him?
00:34:52 No, they broke up before I was even born.
00:34:54 Oh.
00:34:55 But you guys can introduce us.
00:34:57 Yeah, see, the thing about that is it's complicated.
00:35:01 Do you guys ever feel like everything happens for a reason?
00:35:05 Maybe.
00:35:06 Yes.
00:35:07 Call it destiny or pre-destiny.
00:35:09 I think it's pre-destination.
00:35:11 No, it's pre-destiny. I read a book.
00:35:13 Was that book a dictionary?
00:35:14 No, it was a book called Pre-Destiny.
00:35:17 Okay, I don't really give a shit.
00:35:18 With pre-destiny, it dictates that there is a force or something
00:35:23 holding the strings and setting everything up
00:35:25 just so they can be knocked down perfectly into...
00:35:31 Place.
00:35:37 I can't! I can't do it!
00:35:38 I gotta go. Let's go.
00:35:39 Sorry.
00:35:40 Sorry, bro. We gotta go.
00:35:41 Nice skirt, by the way.
00:35:42 Thank you.
00:35:43 I have the dress!
00:35:45 Wait, who said anything about a dress?
00:35:47 I certainly didn't say anything about the dress.
00:35:49 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that Adam had guests.
00:35:52 Hey, babe.
00:35:53 Hi.
00:35:54 Guys, meet Jill. Jill, meet the guys.
00:35:57 We're getting married this weekend.
00:35:59 Me and Jill, not me and you guys.
00:36:01 Jill, stop it! You're gonna make milk come out of my nose.
00:36:04 Milk? What milk?
00:36:05 I had milk earlier.
00:36:06 Oh.
00:36:07 Are you Nick Weber?
00:36:10 Yes. Yes, I am.
00:36:11 Would you please sue the Weber Strut?
00:36:14 The Weber...
00:36:15 Come on, you know it. He wants us to do it.
00:36:18 I think so.
00:36:19 Everybody, strut, strut, strut, strut, strut, strut.
00:36:21 Stop joking.
00:36:22 Strut, strut, strut, strut, strut.
00:36:24 Wow, they're really good at your dance.
00:36:26 Your poor man's macaroon is what you are very famous for.
00:36:30 Everybody do that.
00:36:31 You're like picking dicks out of a tree.
00:36:33 It looks like dick picking.
00:36:34 And for the record, I still like your music.
00:36:37 I mean, I know you've fallen on hard times.
00:36:39 Hard times?
00:36:40 You're so poor now, but I really like you still.
00:36:42 What do you mean, poor?
00:36:44 Oh my God, that's the one.
00:36:45 That's the one?
00:36:46 That is the one.
00:36:47 Honey, we found our mini cake bites.
00:36:49 Guys, we found our mini cake bites.
00:36:53 What?
00:36:54 Oh, I didn't tell you.
00:36:55 Jacob is my cousin.
00:36:56 No.
00:36:57 And Uncle Lou...
00:36:58 Don't you ever call me that.
00:36:59 Is my uncle.
00:37:00 What?
00:37:01 And they came here in a...
00:37:03 What was it?
00:37:04 Hot tub time machine.
00:37:06 That's right.
00:37:07 Oh, okay.
00:37:08 So I guess you came here in hot tub time machine too.
00:37:11 [beeping]
00:37:14 Listen.
00:37:17 They're looking for my dad.
00:37:19 What?
00:37:20 You have to go with them.
00:37:21 Ah.
00:37:22 I mean, would you guys mind?
00:37:23 It would be really, really great to have my father at the wedding.
00:37:26 Fuck that.
00:37:27 Fuck that.
00:37:28 No way in hell.
00:37:29 No way in hell.
00:37:30 You've got to let Adam go.
00:37:31 I mean, this is exactly the sort of thing that he needs.
00:37:33 We've been together for 10 years.
00:37:34 He hardly ever goes out.
00:37:36 He didn't even have a bachelor party.
00:37:37 You're making me seem a little stiff.
00:37:39 Right?
00:37:40 Well, you have fun and make good choices.
00:37:43 You're my best choice.
00:37:44 You're my best choice.
00:37:45 No, you're my best choice.
00:37:46 You're my best choice.
00:37:47 You're my best choice.
00:37:48 You're my best choice.
00:37:49 You're my best choice.
00:37:50 You're my best choice.
00:37:51 You're my best choice.
00:37:53 Fuck.
00:37:54 Yeah, seriously.
00:37:55 Guys, I'll be there in one second.
00:37:57 You're my best choice.
00:38:00 So you guys are my dad's full-on bros, huh?
00:38:03 I always wondered what my dad's full-on bros would be like,
00:38:06 and now I totally know.
00:38:08 Because we're getting some serious hang time.
00:38:11 Hey, you know what?
00:38:13 I feel like we are going to have an unforgettably--
00:38:16 Dude, where the fuck are we going?
00:38:18 Oh, well, my mom used to live near here,
00:38:20 so I figured we'd go by her old building
00:38:22 and see if we can find a clue.
00:38:23 OK, well, there's a 50/50 chance I might murder your dad,
00:38:26 so if you have a reunion speech, keep it tight.
00:38:29 Oh, shit!
00:38:31 What's up, man?
00:38:33 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:38:35 There's no one driving that car.
00:38:38 Yeah, it's a smart car.
00:38:43 Yeah, I can see that.
00:38:45 No, it's a smart car.
00:38:47 It's self-driving.
00:38:48 What?
00:38:49 That's awesome.
00:38:50 Now, see, this is that future shit I'm talking about.
00:38:52 How much does that set you back?
00:38:54 You guys are hilarious.
00:38:55 I don't own it.
00:38:56 I mean, no one does.
00:38:58 You need a car, one shows up.
00:39:00 Really?
00:39:01 You're a wonderful car, and I appreciate you.
00:39:04 Come on.
00:39:05 So this car runs on feelings?
00:39:07 Yeah, I guess a six-year-old would say that.
00:39:10 Oh, burn.
00:39:11 Really, would a six-year-old say that?
00:39:14 What the fuck was that?
00:39:17 Revved up on you.
00:39:18 Did he just rev up on me?
00:39:19 He sure did.
00:39:20 Hey, what's up?
00:39:21 You got a problem with me?
00:39:22 You know what?
00:39:23 I'll give you the first punch, huh?
00:39:25 Go ahead.
00:39:26 Go ahead.
00:39:28 Hit me!
00:39:29 Come on!
00:39:30 You're not a good car.
00:39:31 You're not smart.
00:39:33 You're just a car!
00:39:36 Okay, I don't think it actually works that way.
00:39:38 Like, you can't hurt its feelings.
00:39:40 You're a wonderful car, and I appreciate you.
00:39:42 Yeah, well, guess what?
00:39:43 You can't hurt my feelings, okay?
00:39:46 What?
00:39:47 I'm walking.
00:39:48 Is he always like this?
00:39:51 Pretty much.
00:39:52 Does he have, like, emotional problems?
00:39:54 He's got a real serious drug problem.
00:39:55 He got shot last night.
00:39:57 He's got that run ball.
00:39:58 His son hates him.
00:39:59 That's fair to say, right?
00:40:00 Yeah, yeah, he's a monster.
00:40:02 I'd like to help him.
00:40:04 [laughing]
00:40:06 Oh, hey, I'm sure you're sick of this,
00:40:14 but will you sign my dick pad?
00:40:17 Oh, you put your dick in there!
00:40:20 It's a genius invention.
00:40:22 I know, okay?
00:40:23 I know.
00:40:24 Put your whole mouth inside your son's jerk-off machine.
00:40:26 What does your son's penis taste like?
00:40:29 Goddamn you.
00:40:31 Was it delicious?
00:40:32 Oh, hey, a friend of mine's from sort of Big Shot
00:40:34 over at Louville, Brad Syed.
00:40:36 He's coming to my wedding.
00:40:37 What?
00:40:38 Hey, you guys should absolutely come to my wedding.
00:40:42 Oh, man, I wish we could.
00:40:44 Motherfucker.
00:40:48 Ha ha, Gary Winkle.
00:40:51 [gunshot]
00:40:52 [screaming]
00:40:53 [gunshot]
00:40:55 [dramatic music]
00:40:57 Fuck him in the face, right in the fucking face.
00:41:03 This is not about money, it's about making money.
00:41:05 Oh, look at what--
00:41:06 [grunting]
00:41:07 How are you rich, huh?
00:41:09 How the fuck are you rich?
00:41:11 Oh, Lou.
00:41:12 You killed me?
00:41:13 I'm gonna kill you before you can kill me again.
00:41:15 Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:41:17 That's hilarious.
00:41:18 Why would I kill you?
00:41:20 I love you, man.
00:41:22 What?
00:41:23 Okay, okay, okay, okay.
00:41:24 All right, I'm fine.
00:41:25 You not buying that land was the best thing
00:41:27 that ever happened to me,
00:41:28 because when Hurricane Beth came through,
00:41:30 it destroyed half the waterfront.
00:41:32 Whew, it turned this worthless piece of dirt
00:41:34 into a gold mine.
00:41:36 What?
00:41:37 So you didn't murder me?
00:41:39 What are you talking about?
00:41:41 I love you, man.
00:41:42 [laughing]
00:41:44 Z-Boy's coming up or what?
00:41:45 It's not a party unless it's a Gary Winkle party.
00:41:48 And Gary Winkle's the wink.
00:41:52 What are you doing?
00:41:53 It's a double wink.
00:41:54 No, technically it was more of a blink.
00:41:56 That's a blink.
00:41:57 You can't wink, can you?
00:41:58 Of course I can wink.
00:41:59 Prove it.
00:42:01 [laughing]
00:42:02 Yeah.
00:42:03 Let me do this.
00:42:04 Hold on.
00:42:05 Let me hold this open.
00:42:06 I'll hold this open.
00:42:07 I'll do it.
00:42:10 See?
00:42:11 Can we go to the fucking party now?
00:42:12 [dance music]
00:42:15 ♪ ♪
00:42:22 Welcome to the wink.
00:42:24 Hey, jugglers, give my boys anything they want
00:42:27 from that shelf down.
00:42:29 Luke, what are we doing here?
00:42:31 You know.
00:42:32 Winkle is not the killer.
00:42:33 We gotta go.
00:42:34 I don't care, 'cause there's cocaine right there.
00:42:35 Didn't you see the cocaine?
00:42:36 Look, look, look, look, look.
00:42:37 I see the cocaine, so what?
00:42:38 Well, I'm gonna do that.
00:42:39 So first, and then--
00:42:40 Look, am I flickering?
00:42:41 Am I flickering?
00:42:42 You cannot say that I'm flickering.
00:42:43 We're on a mission to save your life.
00:42:44 You think I don't want to roll my dick around
00:42:45 with some cocaine and get titty slapped?
00:42:47 Pop some bottles, do some crazy future shit?
00:42:49 I'm trying to keep you from flickering.
00:42:50 What the fuck are you doing?
00:42:51 Good talk.
00:42:52 Thank you.
00:42:53 And popping bottles, that's old school.
00:42:55 You bringing that back?
00:42:56 Yeah.
00:42:57 I like that.
00:42:58 I like you.
00:43:00 Uh-oh.
00:43:01 What are these?
00:43:02 I don't care.
00:43:03 Oh, so, Dick, listen, I was so sorry
00:43:05 to hear about you and Courtney.
00:43:07 What do you mean?
00:43:08 Uh, gotcha.
00:43:10 Forget I even brought it up.
00:43:11 No, no, no, really.
00:43:12 What do you mean?
00:43:13 I hear you loud and clear, man.
00:43:15 I don't think you hear me at all.
00:43:17 Hey, Sophie.
00:43:19 There you are.
00:43:21 I have a surprise for you.
00:43:26 Oh, uh, Sophie has a surprise for me.
00:43:30 Bye, dude.
00:43:32 I'll take a room temperature almond milk, please.
00:43:36 No, actually, I'll get a tangerine margarita.
00:43:39 No, scratch that.
00:43:40 I'll take just an apricot.
00:43:42 Sliced into fours.
00:43:43 And a kiwi.
00:43:44 Do you have kiwi?
00:43:45 I'll take a kiwi, sliced up, a banana, thrown in there.
00:43:49 You know what?
00:43:50 Dealer's choice, just a fruit salad.
00:43:53 Should we go somewhere more private?
00:43:58 [laughs]
00:43:59 Jacob Torshin wants privacy.
00:44:01 It's so 2018.
00:44:03 Right, right.
00:44:04 No, get that out of here.
00:44:06 I mean, I wouldn't mind a little something.
00:44:09 Remember the green?
00:44:11 Remember the green?
00:44:13 Look at your dad.
00:44:15 You're not going down that road anymore.
00:44:18 Oh, God, I'm so good at that.
00:44:24 Yes!
00:44:25 [imitates car horn]
00:44:26 Satan, like, I'll finger your dog.
00:44:28 I don't care.
00:44:29 As a joke, as a joke, I have some advice for you.
00:44:32 If you don't want to be considered a sex offender,
00:44:34 don't take a shit in a sandbox that happens to be in a playground, okay?
00:44:39 Don't do it, 'cause guess what?
00:44:41 You have two things, a record and a fucking nickname.
00:44:44 I know it's a potentially risky move.
00:44:46 Wedding sorbet.
00:44:47 As a palate cleanser, of course.
00:44:49 I mean, I'm not insane.
00:44:50 Oh, my God, fucking A, you're Nick Webber, man.
00:44:53 Let's take a picture.
00:44:54 I can't believe it's you, man.
00:44:55 I'm gonna send this to everyone.
00:44:56 I'm gonna get, like, a billion views.
00:44:58 I remember when I first heard that stupid song,
00:45:00 I was like, "Man, that song is so dumb."
00:45:03 Do the strut.
00:45:05 Do the strut.
00:45:06 No, I'm good.
00:45:07 You want to do the fucking song?
00:45:08 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:45:09 Hey, yo, check this out.
00:45:11 Nick Webber's in the house, so get ready for the original Webber strut.
00:45:16 [laughter]
00:45:19 Before that, let's back it up six years ago and see where it all began.
00:45:24 I've made a lot of mistakes.
00:45:26 I've taken advantage.
00:45:28 Now I'm ready to be original.
00:45:30 This is dedicated to those who never get to be because of me.
00:45:34 [music]
00:45:36 To the time of the clock.
00:45:39 It's midnight.
00:45:40 Everybody strut right now.
00:45:43 Nick Webber, Nick Webber.
00:45:45 You don't know, but you think you know.
00:45:47 Nick Webber, Nick Webber.
00:45:49 You don't know, but you will.
00:45:51 Everybody do the strut, strut, strut.
00:45:53 Everybody do the strut, strut, strut.
00:45:55 Everybody do the strut, strut, strut.
00:45:57 Everybody do the strut, strut, strut.
00:45:59 Everybody do the--
00:46:00 [laughter]
00:46:03 [music]
00:46:06 Oh.
00:46:07 Oh.
00:46:10 This room is so much better than the other room.
00:46:17 What?
00:46:22 No.
00:46:24 Look at him go. Chip off the old block.
00:46:28 Okay, be nice.
00:46:29 Be nice. Be nice. Be nice.
00:46:30 Be nice. Be nice. Be nice.
00:46:33 Son!
00:46:35 Hey!
00:46:36 What a coincidence.
00:46:38 I was wondering where you ran off to, but here you are.
00:46:41 Who let you in here?
00:46:42 Would you go find your murderer?
00:46:44 Think your old man can get in on a little of this action?
00:46:48 This is a private party.
00:46:50 This one's mine.
00:46:51 What?
00:46:52 Yes!
00:46:53 See?
00:46:54 Still got it.
00:46:55 What are the house rules here?
00:46:57 I just wonder what you do when a--
00:46:59 break any rules, get chucked out right away, you know?
00:47:02 I'd be fucked up.
00:47:03 Touch me, you filthy vagrant.
00:47:09 Oh, wait, wait, what was that?
00:47:11 Nothing. It wasn't anything.
00:47:13 You just flickered.
00:47:14 No, I didn't.
00:47:15 How did you do that?
00:47:16 He's threatening his own existence.
00:47:18 Lou, you can't be here, 'cause you're jeopardizing your future.
00:47:21 You can mind your own fucking beeswax, huh?
00:47:23 Whatever. I'm over this.
00:47:25 No!
00:47:27 No, no!
00:47:29 [groans]
00:47:31 Long story short, the caterer did talk us into the Chateau Brion,
00:47:35 which, you know, I'll admit, is a sexy side of bees.
00:47:38 Sounds like it.
00:47:39 And I think you know where I'm going with this.
00:47:41 Horse radish station. That's right.
00:47:43 We're gonna have the white and the red, separate service, different intensity.
00:47:47 It's gonna be great.
00:47:49 Wait a second, Nick.
00:47:50 You should play our wedding.
00:47:52 People would love to see the strut in person.
00:47:55 I'm sure they would.
00:47:56 Hey, what do you guys want for the party tray?
00:47:58 Me? Oh, uh, I don't know.
00:48:00 I'm getting married tomorrow, so I'm really trying to take it easy.
00:48:03 Yeah, you're getting married for the rest of your life,
00:48:05 so why have any fun tonight at all?
00:48:08 [laughs]
00:48:09 Oh, yeah.
00:48:10 Uncle Lou is right.
00:48:11 Don't tell me that.
00:48:12 Give me the craziest thing you got.
00:48:14 Someone sounds like he wants the electric ladybug.
00:48:17 Ooh, the electric--oh.
00:48:18 Stick it right there.
00:48:19 What, uh--I'm sorry.
00:48:20 What exactly is that?
00:48:22 Don't take it off for 24 hours.
00:48:24 Why can't I take it off for 24 hours?
00:48:27 [laughs]
00:48:31 Yeah, what's so funny?
00:48:32 Relax, relax.
00:48:33 It's just like baby aspirin.
00:48:35 Except more of a super high-intensity psychotropic drug trip.
00:48:39 [laughs]
00:48:43 [sad music]
00:48:45 I promise you.
00:48:47 You're not going to like this.
00:48:53 Bye-bye.
00:48:57 Horror-srandish.
00:48:59 [upbeat music]
00:49:03 ♪ I'm in the flow, bitches ♪
00:49:04 ♪ I'm in the flow ♪
00:49:06 ♪ I'm in the flow, bitches ♪
00:49:07 ♪ I'm in the flow ♪
00:49:09 [laughs]
00:49:13 I'm a god. I'm a fucking god.
00:49:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:49:27 I'm a fucking god.
00:49:34 I'm a fucking god.
00:49:54 I'm a fucking god.
00:50:01 I'm a fucking god.
00:50:08 I'm a fucking god.
00:50:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:50:30 I'm a fucking god.
00:50:40 I'm a fucking god.
00:50:50 I'm a fucking god.
00:51:00 I'm a fucking god.
00:51:10 I'm a fucking god.
00:51:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:51:30 I'm a fucking god.
00:51:40 I'm a fucking god.
00:51:50 I'm a fucking god.
00:52:00 I'm a fucking god.
00:52:10 I'm a fucking god.
00:52:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:52:30 I'm a fucking god.
00:52:40 I'm a fucking god.
00:52:50 I'm a fucking god.
00:53:00 I'm a fucking god.
00:53:10 I'm a fucking god.
00:53:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:53:30 I'm a fucking god.
00:53:40 I'm a fucking god.
00:53:50 I'm a fucking god.
00:54:00 I'm a fucking god.
00:54:10 I'm a fucking god.
00:54:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:54:30 I'm a fucking god.
00:54:40 I'm a fucking god.
00:54:50 I'm a fucking god.
00:55:00 I'm a fucking god.
00:55:10 I'm a fucking god.
00:55:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:55:30 I'm a fucking god.
00:55:40 I'm a fucking god.
00:55:50 I'm a fucking god.
00:56:00 I'm a fucking god.
00:56:10 I'm a fucking god.
00:56:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:56:30 I'm a fucking god.
00:56:40 I'm a fucking god.
00:56:50 I'm a fucking god.
00:57:00 I'm a fucking god.
00:57:10 I'm a fucking god.
00:57:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:57:30 I'm a fucking god.
00:57:40 I'm a fucking god.
00:57:50 I'm a fucking god.
00:58:00 I'm a fucking god.
00:58:10 I'm a fucking god.
00:58:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:58:30 I'm a fucking god.
00:58:40 I'm a fucking god.
00:58:50 I'm a fucking god.
00:59:00 I'm a fucking god.
00:59:10 I'm a fucking god.
00:59:20 I'm a fucking god.
00:59:30 I'm a fucking god.
00:59:40 I'm a fucking god.
00:59:50 I'm a fucking god.
01:00:00 I'm a fucking god.
01:00:10 I'm a fucking god.
01:00:20 I'm a fucking god.
01:00:30 I'm a fucking god.
01:00:40 I'm a fucking god.
01:00:50 I'm a fucking god.
01:01:00 I'm a fucking god.
01:01:10 I'm a fucking god.
01:01:20 I'm a fucking god.
01:01:30 I'm a fucking god.
01:01:40 I'm a fucking god.
01:01:50 I'm a fucking god.
01:02:00 I'm a fucking god.
01:02:10 I'm a fucking god.
01:02:20 I'm a fucking god.
01:02:30 I'm a fucking god.
01:02:40 I'm a fucking god.
01:02:50 I'm a fucking god.
01:03:00 I'm a fucking god.
01:03:10 I'm a fucking god.
01:03:20 I'm a fucking god.
01:03:30 I'm a fucking god.
01:03:40 I'm a fucking god.
01:03:50 I'm a fucking god.
01:04:00 I'm a fucking god.
01:04:10 I'm a fucking god.
01:04:20 I'm a fucking god.
01:04:30 I'm a fucking god.
01:04:40 I'm a fucking god.
01:04:50 I'm a fucking god.
01:05:00 I'm a fucking god.
01:05:10 I'm a fucking god.
01:05:20 I'm a fucking god.
01:05:30 I'm a fucking god.
01:05:40 I'm a fucking god.
01:05:50 I'm a fucking god.
01:06:00 I'm a fucking god.
01:06:10 I'm a fucking god.
01:06:20 I'm a fucking god.
01:06:30 I'm a fucking god.
01:06:40 I'm a fucking god.
01:06:50 I'm a fucking god.
01:07:00 I'm a fucking god.
01:07:10 I'm a fucking god.
01:07:20 I'm a fucking god.
01:07:30 I'm a fucking god.
01:07:40 I'm a fucking god.
01:07:50 I'm a fucking god.
01:08:00 I'm a fucking god.
01:08:10 I'm a fucking god.
01:08:20 I'm a fucking god.
01:08:30 It's a nice place.
01:08:34 Yeah, yeah.
01:08:36 I mean, like, as far as rooms go, this is one of the biggest.
01:08:38 A great room is a great room.
01:08:40 I can see myself chilling here.
01:08:42 Right.
01:08:44 Throwing some football.
01:08:46 Having a football match right in the middle of the floor.
01:08:48 You know, just all the sports.
01:08:50 I'm so comfortable and relaxed right now.
01:08:52 Me too.
01:08:54 Hey, Adam. Yeah.
01:08:56 What happened at Choosy Doosy?
01:08:58 No, it was, you know, it was virtual.
01:09:00 Yeah.
01:09:02 Virtual.
01:09:04 So it was just like, it's in the ether.
01:09:06 Does not exist.
01:09:08 Who cares? That shit happened.
01:09:10 Yeah, we should get that show canceled, or at least arrest someone.
01:09:12 I could've ate some goddamn waffles.
01:09:14 You shoved a fucking Buick up my butt.
01:09:16 I got a Buick dick.
01:09:18 You do.
01:09:20 Shit got bad, Lou.
01:09:22 I mean, bad like the part of Boogie Nights
01:09:24 after Mark Wahlberg jerks off in the pickup truck.
01:09:26 I mean, here we are with the greatest power
01:09:28 the universe has to offer at our fingertips,
01:09:30 and we're just a bunch of fuck-ups.
01:09:32 Jacob, I know what you're going through.
01:09:34 Yeah, I know that you're going through a lot.
01:09:36 I know.
01:09:38 I know.
01:09:40 I know.
01:09:42 I know what you're going through.
01:09:44 Yeah, I know that you do. You're the biggest fuck-up I know.
01:09:46 Look.
01:09:48 Oh.
01:09:50 You know, all Dorchin men
01:09:52 end up on a roof at some point in their lives.
01:09:54 We party till we want to kill ourselves.
01:09:56 My dad did it,
01:09:58 and your son will do it after you.
01:10:00 Even Grandpappy Dorchin?
01:10:02 Jumped off a roof, survived, died of syphilis.
01:10:04 Jacob, how can we expect
01:10:08 to find happiness anywhere in time
01:10:10 if we're just not happy people?
01:10:12 We do the best that we can.
01:10:14 Here comes the hug monster.
01:10:22 All right.
01:10:30 Come on. Let's go do some more dumb shit.
01:10:32 I got you!
01:10:38 Don't drop me!
01:10:40 I'm not going to let you fall, I promise.
01:10:42 I trust you.
01:10:44 Oh, fuck! I'm going to drop you!
01:10:46 I'm dropping!
01:10:48 Fuck you!
01:10:50 Suicide prevention activated.
01:10:52 Oh, look at that.
01:10:56 This is a great call.
01:10:58 I must have invented that.
01:11:00 Seriously, thank you, Dad.
01:11:02 My pleasure, son.
01:11:04 Is it fun?
01:11:06 I'm coming down, too. Yay!
01:11:08 Guys, guys, guys, come on!
01:11:12 We got a murder to solve here, huh?
01:11:14 Let's think.
01:11:16 It's not Winkle. It's obviously not Jacob, right?
01:11:18 Hey, come on.
01:11:20 Right.
01:11:22 Some curious news out of the tech sector today.
01:11:26 A new synthetic element
01:11:28 has been developed.
01:11:30 The new element invented by Brad Syed of Lugolabs
01:11:32 is tentatively being called
01:11:34 Nitro Trinadium.
01:11:36 That's it.
01:11:38 Brad never liked me.
01:11:40 Yeah, and Brad's going to Adam's wedding.
01:11:42 I can't forget he doesn't have Brad.
01:11:44 This is going to be fun.
01:11:46 My wedding. Looking forward to it.
01:11:48 Oh, fuck! My wedding!
01:11:52 Jill's going to kill me.
01:12:02 I have to go change.
01:12:04 That son of a bitch stole my idea.
01:12:06 Let's split up and find Brad on three.
01:12:08 One, two, three.
01:12:10 Split up and find Brad before you go back in time and kill Lou.
01:12:12 Wow! We are so locked in.
01:12:14 We are so locked in. That's awesome.
01:12:16 It's normal for men
01:12:18 to blow off some steam before their wedding, right,
01:12:20 Adam? What do you do?
01:12:22 Have a light lunch and a spa day?
01:12:24 He did drugs and had sex
01:12:26 with a man he barely knows on national TV.
01:12:28 That doesn't sound like Adam.
01:12:30 Honey, like you said,
01:12:32 he's just blowing off steam.
01:12:34 Why didn't I blow off steam?
01:12:36 I have steam to blow off. All I did was get my hair done.
01:12:38 It looks beautiful.
01:12:40 Shut up, you dumb slut. You blew half of Pittsburgh
01:12:42 before your bachelorette party. Get me some champagne.
01:12:44 I don't know what's taking Jill.
01:12:52 Do you think she saw "Choosy Doosy"?
01:12:56 Does she watch it?
01:12:58 Well, she probably saw it.
01:13:00 Fuck!
01:13:02 Sorry.
01:13:04 This is so good. She's never late.
01:13:08 Ever. Do you think she and I are gonna be okay?
01:13:10 I don't know, man.
01:13:12 I'm not the guy to ask about marriage.
01:13:14 Wait, are you married? Yeah.
01:13:16 Well, I don't know.
01:13:18 I hope so.
01:13:20 Okay, well, I have to find Jill.
01:13:22 Will you cover for me? Oh, we gotta find Brad.
01:13:24 Good dude.
01:13:26 I'm Adam.
01:13:28 I get plowed by dudes on TV.
01:13:30 Oh.
01:13:32 Eeny, meeny, miny, drunk.
01:13:34 Hmm.
01:13:36 "Choosy Doosy."
01:13:38 Oh, so sorry.
01:13:40 Wrong room.
01:13:42 Oh, shit.
01:13:46 Anybody know a
01:13:50 Brad Syed?
01:13:52 Hey, Nick Webber, do the dance.
01:13:54 You want me to do the dance?
01:13:56 Yeah, do the dance.
01:13:58 You want me to do the fucking dance?
01:14:00 Yeah!
01:14:02 This is who I've become, isn't it?
01:14:08 The dancing clown.
01:14:10 The man who will apparently do anything
01:14:12 to keep his shitty career going.
01:14:14 Meanwhile, when's the last time
01:14:16 I shared a romantic dinner with my wife?
01:14:18 Or just did anything, just the two of us?
01:14:20 It's been a minute.
01:14:22 I bet there's a lot of people here tonight
01:14:24 who have been taken for granted.
01:14:26 This lady right here.
01:14:28 When was the last time your man gave you flowers
01:14:30 just because?
01:14:32 Fuck you, dude.
01:14:34 Right? On this special occasion,
01:14:36 be thankful for the one you with.
01:14:38 Make each moment count.
01:14:40 Remember why you fell in love.
01:14:44 Now do the dance.
01:14:48 Yeah!
01:14:50 [crowd cheering]
01:14:52 Fuck it.
01:14:54 DJ!
01:14:56 [music]
01:14:58 Hey, Brad.
01:15:14 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:15:16 Give me the nitro-tronadium, Brad.
01:15:18 Give me the fucking nitro!
01:15:20 Okay, okay. Slowly.
01:15:22 Slowly. Be very careful.
01:15:24 It's my only one. I only trust you with it.
01:15:26 You thought you had it all figured out,
01:15:28 didn't you? Just gonna go back in time
01:15:30 and kill my dad. Kill your dad?
01:15:32 Yeah. I know your plan, Brad.
01:15:34 Okay, sure, I thought about it. A lot.
01:15:36 But I worked for him. I knew it.
01:15:38 But why would I want to kill the man partly
01:15:40 responsible for the greatest scientific achievement
01:15:42 of all time?
01:15:44 There was no such thing as nitro-tronadium
01:15:46 when your dad gave me the idea for it
01:15:48 ten years ago. For time travel.
01:15:50 He had a history of pulling great ideas
01:15:52 out of his ass, and goddammit,
01:15:54 he did it again.
01:15:56 I'm gonna be in the lab trying to save this company.
01:15:58 I dedicated my life's work
01:16:00 to making Lou Dorchin's vision a reality.
01:16:02 Wait, so you
01:16:04 are the inventor of time travel, right?
01:16:06 That's fucking awesome.
01:16:08 So you weren't gonna go back to 2015 and shoot him
01:16:10 in the dick? Shoot him?
01:16:12 [laughs]
01:16:14 If I was gonna kill your dad, it wouldn't be with a gun.
01:16:16 What I would do
01:16:18 is spike his morning cocktail
01:16:20 with a potent sedative before dragging his body
01:16:22 to the gulf and feeding it to a shark.
01:16:24 Yeah. It's the perfect plan.
01:16:26 Are you having
01:16:28 a fantastic time, Isaiah? Shut up!
01:16:30 This isn't making love. This is a
01:16:32 "fuck you" to my fiance. Right, right, right, right.
01:16:34 Okay. Fuck me, Uncle Lou!
01:16:36 Ho, ho, ho, hold on. Uncle by marriage.
01:16:38 I feel like that is an important distinction
01:16:40 to make. Fuck me, Uncle Lou, by marriage?
01:16:42 I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's
01:16:44 father's future daughter-in-law!
01:16:46 I can't believe I'm fucking
01:16:48 Adam's father's sister's husband!
01:16:50 Adam,
01:16:52 have you seen Lou?
01:16:54 That Jacuzzi
01:16:56 time machine thing, is that real?
01:16:58 It's a hot tub. Whatever!
01:17:00 Listen, Adam, I'm sorry. I gotta be a stickler on this.
01:17:02 Jacuzzi is a brand name. Shut up!
01:17:04 How does it work?
01:17:06 How does it work? This.
01:17:10 It's the only nitrogen atom in the whole world!
01:17:12 Ten fucking years!
01:17:14 It was a bitch to make, dude!
01:17:16 I know, Brad.
01:17:18 I didn't mean to fucking lose it. He got the
01:17:20 jump on me. But he's so much
01:17:22 smaller than you. He had like superhuman strength
01:17:24 like that fucking baby in Superman 1.
01:17:26 You mean Baby Superman?
01:17:28 That baby was Superman.
01:17:30 Yeah, I mean, yeah. That baby was Superman, Jacob!
01:17:32 Hey.
01:17:36 Oh, hey. Any luck?
01:17:38 Yeah. You found him?
01:17:40 Oh, shit! No.
01:17:42 Brad. No, you?
01:17:44 No, I...
01:17:46 do.
01:17:48 I'll sign a line of the jobs.
01:17:50 Handle it.
01:17:52 Instead of linear, think of space-time
01:17:54 as being fluid. Hey!
01:17:56 Hey, Lou.
01:17:58 America!
01:18:00 Brad was helping.
01:18:02 He's not the murderer.
01:18:04 Oh.
01:18:06 Whoops. Then what happened?
01:18:08 Adam took the nitro. He's going back to 2015 to kill you.
01:18:10 Adam Jr. is the murderer?
01:18:12 Why would he do that?
01:18:14 Um, hmm. I think...
01:18:16 You guys are gonna think this is hilarious.
01:18:18 I may have...
01:18:20 uh, fucked his wife.
01:18:22 A tiny bit. A tiny bit.
01:18:24 You know, in her
01:18:26 vagina or whatever. Fuck, Lou!
01:18:28 So you just created your own killer.
01:18:30 Oh, so I'm the bad guy now? Yes!
01:18:32 Yes. Come on!
01:18:34 Fuck!
01:18:36 Shit.
01:18:38 Maybe Adam got away.
01:18:40 Oh, shit. Shit, look, look, look.
01:18:42 Come on, come on, come on.
01:18:44 No, no, no, no! This has gotta end now.
01:18:46 Lou? Lou, what are you doing?
01:18:48 Lou, get out of the road.
01:18:50 Lou! Lou, do it!
01:18:52 Get the fuck out the street! You don't know what you're doing.
01:18:54 You're gonna die. Lou, would you come the fuck over?
01:18:56 Let me do this! I got this!
01:18:58 I got this!
01:19:00 Lou!
01:19:02 Lou!
01:19:04 I'm sorry. Okay?
01:19:08 Okay, okay, okay, okay!
01:19:10 I mean it! I do! I mean it!
01:19:12 I'm a dick! Ask my friends!
01:19:14 He's a dick. Big ol' dick.
01:19:16 Look, I get you. I do.
01:19:18 I know what it's like to feel unappreciated.
01:19:20 Like just a member of the pack.
01:19:22 I just want you to know that
01:19:24 despite what I said before,
01:19:26 I do appreciate you.
01:19:28 And I'm appealing to your sense of humanity right now.
01:19:30 There is a maniac trying to kill me,
01:19:32 and I'm asking you to be the bigger car
01:19:34 and help me out.
01:19:36 I'm just a guy
01:19:40 looking at a car,
01:19:42 asking it to love me.
01:19:44 Asking it to love me.
01:19:46 Listen, you can't go with me, okay?
01:20:06 Scat!
01:20:12 Hey, listen.
01:20:14 I'll be back, okay? I promise. I'll be back.
01:20:16 We'll go all the places that we never got to go, okay?
01:20:20 Just...
01:20:22 wait for me. You, uh...
01:20:24 stay blue.
01:20:26 We're too late.
01:20:40 We just missed him.
01:20:42 I guess that's it. We're stuck here.
01:20:44 That means any minute, Lou's gonna...
01:20:46 disappear.
01:20:50 No, that can't be right.
01:20:52 Right, Jacob? I mean, you got...
01:20:54 you got a plan or something?
01:20:56 No, we just gotta, um...
01:20:58 What are we gonna do?
01:21:00 I don't know.
01:21:02 I don't know.
01:21:04 Oh, shit, Lou.
01:21:06 (sniffling)
01:21:08 (chuckles)
01:21:22 I miss you, brother. I miss you, too.
01:21:24 Hey.
01:21:32 Before I freak out,
01:21:34 I'm gonna get you out of here.
01:21:36 You know, these kids have such a big future ahead of 'em.
01:21:38 Obviously.
01:21:40 Yeah.
01:21:42 I got it.
01:21:48 It's okay, now.
01:21:50 No, no, no. Our nitro is missing
01:21:52 because it didn't exist yet.
01:21:54 But if Adam took the nitro to the past,
01:21:56 then it exists here in the future.
01:22:02 Holy shit!
01:22:04 There's still time.
01:22:06 Jacob! Let's go!
01:22:08 We gotta go back to the past
01:22:10 to save the future.
01:22:12 What's in your mind? Terminator. Probably Terminator.
01:22:14 I don't know. Let's go save Lou's life.
01:22:16 High five.
01:22:18 High five.
01:22:20 And...
01:22:28 Here we go, here we go!
01:22:30 (screaming)
01:22:32 We're here.
01:22:44 I think we made it!
01:22:46 Let's go! Let's go!
01:22:48 It's the party and there's still time.
01:22:56 There's gotta be a route out here somewhere.
01:22:58 We are live
01:23:00 from Lugo Mansion
01:23:02 worth 2.3 billion dollars.
01:23:04 Introducing
01:23:06 Lou the Violator!
01:23:08 Your champ!
01:23:10 Hey, everybody.
01:23:24 Lou!
01:23:26 Lou!
01:23:28 Lou, I found him.
01:23:32 I'm gonna shoot you in the dick
01:23:34 so you can't fuck anyone else's wife!
01:23:36 Technically, you all aren't married yet, so she's not your wife.
01:23:38 Yeah, she is! Adam, I hate to be a stickler,
01:23:40 but you guys haven't even met yet. It's 2015.
01:23:42 Shut the fuck up! Muzzle toss!
01:23:44 What are you doing?
01:23:50 What are you doing? It's probably pretty hard to shoot a man, right?
01:23:52 Don't...
01:23:54 It's okay.
01:23:56 Watch. I'm just gonna make it easier on him.
01:23:58 Shotgun to the dick.
01:24:04 His destiny.
01:24:06 I turned you into a murderer.
01:24:08 I just ruined my own life.
01:24:10 I have so much fucking poison in me that I ruined yours, too.
01:24:12 That chick was right.
01:24:14 I'm a virus.
01:24:16 This is your offense to take.
01:24:18 Okay?
01:24:20 Please.
01:24:22 Cut me.
01:24:24 I've seen my future.
01:24:26 You saw it. I'm a disaster.
01:24:28 It's okay.
01:24:30 Just kill me and put us both out of our misery.
01:24:32 Please.
01:24:34 I can't.
01:24:36 I can't do it.
01:24:38 Jesus Christ, do I fucking do everything?
01:24:40 Lou.
01:24:42 No!
01:24:44 You okay?
01:24:50 Hey.
01:24:52 You're fucking crazy, Lou.
01:24:54 I'm sorry. I may have shit my pants.
01:25:04 I'm sorry. It was a stressful situation.
01:25:06 It was really a family situation.
01:25:08 I'm exhausted.
01:25:10 I'm so sorry.
01:25:12 Jill?
01:25:14 How did you know my...
01:25:16 Oh, my name tag.
01:25:18 I'm sorry.
01:25:20 This is just--
01:25:22 This is weird.
01:25:24 Up until yesterday, I thought I had a normal life.
01:25:26 I know what you mean.
01:25:28 Have you ever felt like your entire life was a fraud?
01:25:30 I'm sorry.
01:25:32 Fraud's the wrong word. Lie?
01:25:34 I'm Adam.
01:25:38 I'm-- Jill.
01:25:40 I know.
01:25:42 Lovely tuxedo you're wearing.
01:25:44 Thank you.
01:25:46 Her.
01:25:48 Her, her.
01:25:50 Forgot what I was gonna say.
01:25:52 Well, that was exciting.
01:26:02 Guess it's not a Louisville party until somebody gets shot at.
01:26:04 I don't want to go to the Grammys.
01:26:06 No?
01:26:08 I don't want to go to your sister's either.
01:26:10 I just want to go somewhere just you and me.
01:26:12 Start making things right.
01:26:14 I like that.
01:26:16 Okay.
01:26:18 And I want to get out of this shirt.
01:26:20 I've been in it for, like, three days, and it's really loud.
01:26:22 Okay.
01:26:24 Draw your arms up for a second, like that.
01:26:26 Like a dance or something?
01:26:30 Something like that.
01:26:32 I want to strut.
01:26:34 Okay.
01:26:36 Yeah, yeah.
01:26:38 Oh, okay.
01:26:40 This is some stupid shit.
01:26:42 Did I just hear fireworks?
01:26:44 Because fireworks make me want to puke, and you know that.
01:26:46 Why are you more handsome?
01:27:02 I'm a bald person.
01:27:04 Hey, what do you think about doing a 12-step program with me?
01:27:06 You know, like, go to an awesome movie,
01:27:10 you know, like, go to an awesome rehab
01:27:12 with good food
01:27:14 and cool, classy people.
01:27:16 What do you think?
01:27:20 Okay.
01:27:22 Yeah?
01:27:24 I fucking hate you, man.
01:27:26 I fucking hate you, Kelly.
01:27:28 Sophie! Hey!
01:27:32 Where are you going?
01:27:34 People are shooting each other. I'm getting out of here.
01:27:36 Okay, here's the thing, Soph.
01:27:38 I will be the first person to admit that it is fucking insane.
01:27:40 The drugs, the constant partying.
01:27:42 It's enough to make anybody ask,
01:27:44 "When is enough enough?"
01:27:46 What are you talking about?
01:27:48 Just stay with me here. Just stay with me.
01:27:50 Did you change?
01:27:52 Yeah, in so many ways, but listen,
01:27:54 right in the middle of the future is this toxic power couple
01:27:56 named you and me.
01:27:58 And does it all end in tragedy and tears and a murder mystery?
01:28:00 Yes, of course it does.
01:28:02 But I don't care.
01:28:04 I just got one question, Sophie.
01:28:06 [♪♪♪]
01:28:08 ♪ Cover your eyes ♪
01:28:10 ♪ So you don't know the secret ♪
01:28:12 ♪ Anything could happen ♪
01:28:14 ♪ Anything could happen ♪
01:28:16 ♪ Anything could happen ♪
01:28:18 ♪ Anything could happen ♪
01:28:20 What's that in your pocket?
01:28:22 My dick.
01:28:24 Oh, the other thing.
01:28:26 A billion fucking dollars.
01:28:28 [♪♪♪]
01:28:30 Hey, I just met my future wife in there.
01:28:32 Yeah, man. Hang out with us.
01:28:34 That kind of shit happens all the time.
01:28:36 Yeah, a lot of highs and lows here.
01:28:38 Yeah.
01:28:40 You know, when you think about it,
01:28:42 Lou had to fuck your wife in the future
01:28:44 so you can meet her in the past.
01:28:46 Oh, yeah, but, hey, that's what uncles do, right?
01:28:48 I don't know.
01:28:50 Not really.
01:28:52 Hey, just think of it this way.
01:28:54 Since it happened in the future,
01:28:56 it technically hasn't happened at all.
01:28:58 It's cyclical.
01:29:00 Yeah, and even though I didn't meet my dad,
01:29:02 I still have friends from life.
01:29:04 Oh, yeah? Who?
01:29:06 Hey, Lou? Uncle Lou.
01:29:08 Uncle Lou.
01:29:10 No harm, no foul,
01:29:12 but did you ejaculate in her?
01:29:14 Hey, that doesn't matter.
01:29:16 I ejaculated inside of you.
01:29:18 And that doesn't matter either
01:29:20 because those are both just hypothetical future scenarios.
01:29:22 No one ejaculated inside of anything, really.
01:29:24 No one's ejaculated.
01:29:26 Yeah, I did.
01:29:28 You know what? I had this moment earlier.
01:29:30 I think it was when my nephew from the future
01:29:32 had a shotgun pointed at my dick
01:29:34 that I'd helped him place there.
01:29:36 [ Laughter ]
01:29:38 That was me.
01:29:40 But in that moment, everything became clear to me.
01:29:42 We need to change people's lives,
01:29:44 make the world a better place.
01:29:46 All we have to do is...
01:29:48 [ Explosion ]
01:29:50 [ Grunts ]
01:29:52 [ Screaming ]
01:29:54 [ Screaming ]
01:29:56 Don't listen to anything he says.
01:29:58 Adam?
01:30:00 What the fuck? You shot Lou!
01:30:02 Dad?
01:30:04 What's going on?
01:30:06 No time to explain. Follow me.
01:30:08 Where?
01:30:10 Cincinnati.
01:30:12 No, no, Dad, wait!
01:30:14 Why did my dad just kill Lou?
01:30:16 He probably had an okay reason.
01:30:20 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:30:22 Wait! Don't go, Adam!
01:30:24 [ Screams ]
01:30:26 Patriot Lou.
01:30:28 Are those wooden teeth?
01:30:30 He looked like Captain Crunch fuck Paul Revere.
01:30:32 His hair is breathtaking.
01:30:34 It's beautiful.
01:30:36 Don't listen to him. Why?
01:30:38 It's a long story.
01:30:40 Believe me, he did us all a favor.
01:30:42 This one was bad. Okay, but the bigger question is how.
01:30:44 It's not the only me.
01:30:46 You think you're the only you? There's a ton of yous out there.
01:30:48 Look, if you're gonna like this me,
01:30:50 a lot better. This me's great.
01:30:52 Take it from here. Holy shit!
01:30:54 I mean, you guys get it, right?
01:30:56 Multiple universes, like "Fringe."
01:30:58 ♪ Nerd, you're a fuckin' nerd ♪
01:31:04 ♪ Nerd, you're a fuckin' nerd ♪
01:31:06 ♪ Nerd, you're a fuckin' nerd ♪
01:31:08 ♪ And no one likes you ♪
01:31:10 ♪ You're a nerd, you're a nerd ♪
01:31:12 ♪ And no one likes you ♪
01:31:14 ♪ Sucks each other's dicks ♪
01:31:16 Whoa! What?
01:31:18 I'm sorry.
01:31:20 Obviously not the direction of the song, right?
01:31:22 Totally misread that song.
01:31:24 My apologies.
01:31:26 Okay, so what now?
01:31:28 You guys gotta come with me. To where?
01:31:30 We gotta make America happen, bro.
01:31:34 Ready for another dip?
01:31:38 You know, you're not gonna be super welcome there,
01:31:40 but we should totally go. I know.
01:31:42 Are we going? Yeah.
01:31:44 (screaming)
01:31:46 ♪ You're a fuckin' nerd ♪
01:31:50 ♪ And no one likes you ♪
01:31:52 ♪ You're a fuckin' nerd ♪
01:31:54 ♪ And no one likes you ♪
01:31:56 Yeah!
01:31:58 Let 'em save Lincoln!
01:32:00 That parade was the single greatest moment of my life.
01:32:02 More so than saving Lincoln.
01:32:04 Well, that was the third greatest moment of my life.
01:32:06 What was the second?
01:32:08 A parade I attended as a child.
01:32:10 Oh, shit, you guys.
01:32:16 I left my phone back in the 1800s.
01:32:18 I'm gonna feed some gum to a dinosaur.
01:32:20 As long as we're coming clean, I fucked Marilyn Monroe.
01:32:22 (laughing)
01:32:24 You're cheesy, buddy.
01:32:26 Who's a nerd now, motherfuckers, huh?
01:32:30 I'm Arthur Miller.
01:32:32 Oh, come on.
01:32:34 You look like...
01:32:42 Come on, baby. You got this.
01:32:44 Let him do it.
01:32:46 You got something to make it happen?
01:32:48 It's easy. You just mash two things up together,
01:32:50 and you nail 'em with it.
01:32:52 You look like... Kevin Yardley.
01:32:54 Who the fuck is Kevin Yardley?
01:32:56 Guy I went to high school with. Yeah, looks just like him.
01:32:58 Boo! You suck at this.
01:33:00 I just get sick of explaining it to him.
01:33:06 How hard is it to understand time travel?
01:33:08 I mean, we get it.
01:33:10 P equals mc squared.
01:33:12 Einstein's a stupid fuckin' idiot.
01:33:14 (cheering)
01:33:16 Ladies and gentlemen,
01:33:18 the Beatles!
01:33:20 (laughing)
01:33:22 You're a fuckin' Ringo.
01:33:24 (laughing)
01:33:30 (man)
01:33:32 (man)
01:33:34 (man)
01:33:36 Explain yourself. I will not.
01:33:38 I'm Nick Webber.
01:33:40 I'm Jacob Dorchan.
01:33:42 I'm Adam Yates Steadmeier.
01:33:44 I'm Lou Dorchan.
01:33:46 All that and one less minute tonight on 59 Minutes.
01:33:48 Yeah! The moon!
01:33:58 First man to save a president and go into space.
01:34:00 It was just a soundstage in New Mexico.
01:34:02 It wasn't real.
01:34:04 Huh.
01:34:06 (cheering)
01:34:08 (cheering)
01:34:10 You knew that was gonna happen.
01:34:12 What did I keep saying? What the heck's the issue?
01:34:14 He was beating the shit out of me.
01:34:16 Dorchan does it again!
01:34:18 Unbelievable!
01:34:20 Nothing but net. Nothing but net.
01:34:24 You're just gonna keep saying that.
01:34:26 Nothing but net!
01:34:28 Jacob Dorchan, you fuckin' nerd.
01:34:30 You're a fuckin' nerd.
01:34:32 You're a fuckin' nerd.
01:34:34 Come on, no way.
01:34:36 I had sex with Marilyn Monroe.
01:34:38 Stop singing the song!
01:34:40 No, I'd rather like to.
01:34:42 I won't listen to the song one more fuckin' time!
01:34:44 No, I'd rather like to.
01:34:46 (music playing)
01:34:48 (music playing)
01:34:50 (music playing)
01:34:52 You can't live without him, so ain't no need to try him You might be thinking, "He did it again, see?" But for me it's like, "Finally!"
01:34:59 Get your bodies ready, get 'em on the floor Cause what you 'bout to do, you ain't never done before So buckle up your belt, loosen up your butt, and welcome everybody to the weather stretch
01:35:07 Everybody do the stretch, stretch, stretch Everybody do the stretch, stretch, stretch
01:35:24 You never heard of these black eyed peas License and fees, no thank you please Made a living, treated like a king Sitting on my throne, taking everything
01:35:33 I know what's wrong, a man's outcoming Originality is running, running Through my veins and out to the universe You can do it too, but first things first
01:35:41 Everybody do the stretch, stretch, stretch
01:35:54 Strut to the time of the clock It's midnight, everybody strut right now
01:36:03 You don't know, but you think you know You don't know, but you do
01:36:10 Imagine all your dreams raining down from the sky And catching each one before they pass you by They fall into the left, they fall into the right This is your moment, grab the spotlight
01:36:19 My strut will lead to making love The better you strut, the better you thug I know this dance has your mouth a-kicking One last message, don't be a...
01:36:28 Everybody do the stretch, stretch, stretch
01:36:57 Everybody do the stretch, stretch, stretch
01:37:04 (Instrumental)
01:37:23 (Instrumental)
01:37:40 (Instrumental)
01:37:55 (Instrumental)
01:38:15 (Instrumental)
01:38:35 (Instrumental)
01:39:00 (Instrumental)