Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)

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Zack and Miri Make a Porno (also known simply as Zack and Miri) is a 2008 American sex comedy film written, directed and edited by Kevin Smith and starring Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. It was released on October 31, 2008. The film follows the lives of friends Zack and Miri, who are facing financial troubles and decide to make an adult film to solve their problems. The film was produced by Scott Mosier and was released by The Weinstein Company. It received mixed reviews from critics but was a modest box-office success, grossing $42.8 million on its $24 million budget.

Transcript

00:00:00 [Bell tolls]

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00:00:28 [Glass shatters]

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00:00:50 Get up, Zach.

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00:01:14 Come on, I don't want to be late for work.

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00:01:24 [Screams]

00:01:26 Hey, the fuck, close the fucking door if you're gonna take a shit!

00:01:28 It was closed!

00:01:30 No, it was closed over, it was not closed!

00:01:32 Okay, okay!

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00:01:52 What's that thing?

00:01:54 It's a hand wheel.

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00:02:04 We're going now.

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00:02:16 Smell that?

00:02:18 Is that the car?

00:02:20 God damn it. What?

00:02:22 Oh no, it's wedged in my taint.

00:02:24 It got wedged in my taint. What?

00:02:26 It's stuck under my balls.

00:02:28 It's between my balls and my leg.

00:02:30 What's happening? Pull over, please pull over.

00:02:32 Pull over! Alright, alright!

00:02:34 Alright!

00:02:36 It's wedged in my balls and my ass! What?

00:02:38 The moment it makes it hotter. Alright!

00:02:40 It's tucked under them.

00:02:42 It's stuck under them!

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00:02:52 Oh, fuck!

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00:03:08 I think I burned my ball hair off.

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00:03:30 Can you help me pick out an outfit for tonight?

00:03:32 I'm working till six.

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00:03:36 Well,

00:03:38 I can try stuff on at the store.

00:03:40 Store?

00:03:42 No, how about instead you get a friend?

00:03:44 - You should get a friend. - But you are my friend.

00:03:47 I mean a girlfriend.

00:03:50 [Music]

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00:04:31 Mr. Delaney, can you work for me tomorrow?

00:04:34 Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

00:04:36 Then you must come in the next day, I tell you.

00:04:39 - It's Black Friday. - Black Friday?

00:04:42 It's the biggest mall shopping day of the year.

00:04:45 And since the mall is just up the street,

00:04:48 I would like you to come out and work.

00:04:50 - On Black Friday? - Oh, yeah.

00:04:53 - All right. You want me to work on Muli Monday too? - I'm sorry?

00:04:56 - How about Nigga Tuesday? - Nigga Tuesday?

00:04:59 - A new holiday? - You come to a brother and tell him he got to work on Black Friday?

00:05:02 You got any idea how racist that sounds?

00:05:05 Telling me to come in and work. What, you think you own me?

00:05:07 - I never said this, I tell you. - But you thought it, didn't you?

00:05:10 You thought to yourself, "Oh, I'm going to lay down the law for this nigga

00:05:13 because I put food on his table and clothes on his little nigga baby backs

00:05:16 and he ain't going to say shit."

00:05:18 - This ain't Amistad. - You shut up!

00:05:20 Goddamn right this ain't Amistad.

00:05:22 Can't wait till the post office sells my disability suit

00:05:24 because then I'm going to be out this motherfucker

00:05:26 because I'm going to be Oprah rich.

00:05:28 - I'm going to kiss my ass. - You know what?

00:05:30 Fuck you, fuck you, and suck cock!

00:05:33 - What the hell with you? - What the hell with you?

00:05:36 - Zachary will work. Zach, my boy. - Yeah.

00:05:40 - A customer with the hair lip. - Yeah, yeah.

00:05:43 Speak to me. Say you were playing baseball here the other night.

00:05:48 Whiffle ball. And, uh, no, that wasn't me.

00:05:52 Maybe the hair lip makes it sound like baseball.

00:05:55 - Yeah, maybe. Maybe you hear with an accent. - Fuck you.

00:05:58 Okay? One day I'm going to put a camera there

00:06:01 and then I can tell I know everything you do when I'm gone.

00:06:04 Everything. Scratch your balls, take a shit.

00:06:06 - Everything I tell you, okay? - Okay.

00:06:09 Fucker.

00:06:11 I hate both of you ebony and ivory motherfuckers!

00:06:14 I tell you!

00:06:16 - Why is he so fucking high-strung? - Fuck off, I tell you.

00:06:21 Very good.

00:06:23 You believe that Gandhi motherfucker telling me I got to work on Black Friday?

00:06:27 - That's some shit. - Yeah.

00:06:29 Like I want to do some shopping, too. Biggest sales day of the year.

00:06:31 I'm getting me a flat-screen TV. You can believe that.

00:06:34 That's actually my fault. I should tell you I asked for Friday morning off, so sorry about that.

00:06:37 - For what? - I actually just need a lot of recovery time.

00:06:40 Tonight is me and Mary's ten-year high school reunion.

00:06:43 I'm just going to get fucking alcohol poisoning.

00:06:46 - Reunion? - Yeah.

00:06:47 Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. I know. Isn't that fucked up that they do that?

00:06:50 Yeah, like, they say I get the best chance to get everyone together,

00:06:53 people come back to town for the holidays, but you know what?

00:06:56 They could have it in the middle of the summer at a fucking blowjob contest that I was judging,

00:06:59 and it would still be retarded.

00:07:01 So why are you going there?

00:07:03 Mary's making me go.

00:07:05 Listen here. Why are you always bending over backwards for that girl,

00:07:08 knowing she ain't giving up no ass?

00:07:10 We get a good thing going, man. She pays half the rent, she does dishes,

00:07:13 she wakes me up in the morning. Why complicate that with sex?

00:07:17 Besides, man, I've known her since the first grade.

00:07:20 You don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.

00:07:22 Excuse me. I met my wife in kindergarten.

00:07:24 We got married senior year, and she has been the queen of my world ever since.

00:07:28 But what if you could do it all over again?

00:07:30 I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is a bane to my existence.

00:07:33 - See? - Excuse me. Can I get a cup of coffee? Black.

00:07:37 Can't you see we talking? White.

00:07:43 You're going to continue to emasculate me with this Barbie dress-up shit?

00:07:47 I'm using your laptop.

00:07:49 Don't forget to smack it when you turn it on, otherwise the screen doesn't come on.

00:07:53 Why don't you spring and get a new one of these?

00:07:57 Same reason I don't spring for clothes for tonight. I'm broke.

00:08:00 There's a chick who works at Teen Juice at the mall, you know?

00:08:03 And I gave her a good deal on yarn, so she's letting me borrow this stuff for tonight.

00:08:06 - Yeah. Bro. - [laughs]

00:08:09 - What? - You're buying a vibrator online.

00:08:13 - What's wrong with the one you have? - It died last week.

00:08:16 Look at the size of those fucking panties.

00:08:18 Shoot that shit. Shoot it.

00:08:20 God, who even knew Amazon sold shit like this? This is incredible.

00:08:24 Those are fucking granny panties.

00:08:27 Okay, A, I don't appreciate you violating the sanctity of my Amazon wish list page.

00:08:31 And B, I'm not buying that thing from Amazon because it turns out I don't have a credit card to take.

00:08:37 [cat meows]

00:08:39 - Oh, shit. - Sorry, guys. Am I in the way?

00:08:46 You're a fucking faggot, all right? Let's go to Starbucks.

00:08:49 He's a shitty barista anyways.

00:08:51 Cock?

00:08:53 And he throws like a bitch.

00:08:58 You know what else I throw? My nut sack and your coffee. So how did that taste, fucker?

00:09:02 We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget.

00:09:05 Oh, well, too bad she's not my girlfriend, you little fuck.

00:09:08 - Oh, there it goes. - Are you still talking to me?

00:09:11 Uh, just said I'm gonna look up more fuck toys on Amazon.

00:09:15 Holy shit. They sell the flashlight here, too.

00:09:20 - What's that? - It's a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight for discretionary jacking off.

00:09:27 That way if you get caught, no one thinks it's weird. You're just a guy who likes to fuck his flashlight.

00:09:31 I am totally buying this shit.

00:09:33 Whoa, if you've got money to burn, how about paying the electric bill?

00:09:36 That's due already.

00:09:38 Well, November's is probably due now, but I was talking about September's.

00:09:41 Tell me this doesn't rock.

00:09:43 I look like your fucking Ronald McDonald that makes me want some McNuggets.

00:09:49 Why would you want to buy a pocket pussy anyway? That is so sad.

00:09:53 What? Excuse me, I forgot about the nobility that accompanies coming with a fucking vibrator.

00:09:58 Think a kid in Darfur gets saved every time a vibrator makes you cum? No.

00:10:02 Real feel action? Oh, my God. If you start fucking little machines, I'm moving out.

00:10:07 What do you think a vibrator is? It's a little machine.

00:10:09 How come you get to fuck something with a motor in it? I can't.

00:10:12 'Cause I never met a man who can make me cum like a vibrator does.

00:10:15 That's fucking bullshit. You get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with fucking Tweaky and Dr. Theopolis.

00:10:21 I'm stuck to a bottle of Jurgens in the bathroom?

00:10:23 Holy bejesus, you do not use my Jurgens to jack it in our bathroom.

00:10:28 No, you know what I do, actually, is I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting.

00:10:35 No, I'm a guy. Give me two popsicle sticks of rubber band, I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGyver.

00:10:41 Oh, my God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy. How about this?

00:10:46 I don't get why you're putting so much effort into this thing anyway.

00:10:49 I thought we were, like, just going to go to sit around and make fun of everybody.

00:10:54 Well, I can't wear anything that I already own and expect to bring home Bobby Long.

00:10:58 Bobby fucking Long? No way. Didn't that guy call you Stinky Linky?

00:11:04 Yeah, that was then, okay? Maybe now he can save me a fortune in Amazon bills.

00:11:08 Maybe you can fuck our landlord so we can at least keep a roof over our heads.

00:11:14 You don't have the rent? Zack, it's your month.

00:11:18 I bought skates with last week's paycheck, and I need those to skate with.

00:11:23 Oh. And this week's will barely cover the past due water bill, so...

00:11:27 Is this sexy? Yeah, in, like, a "to catch a predator" kind of way, it is pretty fucking sexy.

00:11:34 Then we're done.

00:11:37 Oh, fuck! Zack!

00:11:40 You want me to come in? What happened to the water?

00:11:44 They shut it off. Oh, shit.

00:11:50 Help me get this shit out of my hair. Just use the water out of the toilet.

00:11:54 There's poo in there. Not that part! The back part of the toilet thing!

00:12:01 Take the cup there, and then put-- dupe it in. There you go.

00:12:05 Here, I'll just lean back, and you can just, you know, pour it down my-- like that.

00:12:09 You're harshing my buzz, you know? Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.

00:12:14 [GASPS]

00:12:18 [BIRDS CHIRPING]

00:12:20 All right. One hour tops, then we're gone.

00:12:31 Or I had an idea. We could just not go at all, which would rock.

00:12:35 Look, even though we're broke and we've never amounted to anything, we're still better than these people, right?

00:12:41 No. Not at all. We're probably not even as good as most of them, unless one of them's a crackhead or something.

00:12:48 Just tell me I'm prettier than when we graduated.

00:12:51 You look about the same. Definitely not prettier.

00:12:55 But around the same. I'm thinner, though, right, little?

00:12:59 Not really.

00:13:01 Well, good pep talk. Fuck.

00:13:04 One, two, three!

00:13:07 Hit me with the horse, 20!

00:13:10 Team Making Noise! Team Making Noise!

00:13:14 Ta-da!

00:13:16 Ta-da!

00:13:18 You don't recognize this dude.

00:13:23 Um, no. Sorry.

00:13:24 Zach Brown, Mary Linkey.

00:13:26 Are you the one they called Stinky Linkey?

00:13:28 Oh, no. No one ever called me that.

00:13:31 Oh, great. What did you say?

00:13:33 What the fuck? Come on. I'm sure I had a nickname. Nothing?

00:13:37 All right, well, you guys have a great time, and before you go, don't forget your copy of The Roving Rover.

00:13:43 What the fuck's this shit?

00:13:45 Um, that is not shit. That would be our bi-monthly newsletter.

00:13:48 Awesome.

00:13:49 You know, it updates you on what everyone's doing in their lives.

00:13:52 Finally.

00:13:53 I love your enthusiasm. Here you go.

00:13:56 Write your email address down on that, and I'll be sure to add you to our 800-member strong mailing list.

00:14:01 We have 800 people in our graduating class?

00:14:03 Yes, and only 250 RSVP'd. Doesn't that suck, Mary?

00:14:08 Mary.

00:14:09 You married, Betts?

00:14:10 I am. Two kids.

00:14:12 Wow, that's beautiful.

00:14:13 Awesome.

00:14:14 You want to fuck me later?

00:14:16 No, I'm married.

00:14:17 Okay, cool. Well, if you change your mind, I'll be in there getting shit-faced, so...

00:14:21 You will.

00:14:22 Just so you know, I eat the pussy.

00:14:23 He knows.

00:14:24 Ah, tempting. Again, no.

00:14:26 Shall we?

00:14:27 Sir.

00:14:28 Bye, Betts.

00:14:29 Think about it.

00:14:32 [music]

00:14:34 Yeah!

00:14:35 Ha!

00:14:37 Let me clear my throat.

00:14:40 Oh!

00:14:42 Have mercy, babe. Ha!

00:14:45 I hope you don't mind.

00:14:47 Let me clear my throat.

00:14:49 I need these monitors right here.

00:14:51 Music in the monitors.

00:14:53 And a little something like this here.

00:14:56 Now, if y'all want to party like we do,

00:15:00 If y'all want to party like us, let me hear you say, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

00:15:05 If y'all want to party like we do,

00:15:09 If y'all want to party like us, let me hear you say, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

00:15:14 Now when I say, "Ah," you say, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

00:15:21 Can I get two beers, please?

00:15:23 Do you want a beer?

00:15:24 Yeah.

00:15:25 Three beers.

00:15:26 Thank you.

00:15:29 Is that Zack?

00:15:31 Or am I Zack?

00:15:33 Whoa!

00:15:35 Oh!

00:15:36 Oh, wow.

00:15:37 Never gets old, huh?

00:15:38 The other Zack.

00:15:40 Oh, in my world, nobody calls me the other Zack.

00:15:43 Now that this guy's not around anymore, huh?

00:15:47 Get the fuck off of me.

00:15:49 That can be only one.

00:15:52 What?

00:15:54 Islander man, the Kurgan, remember?

00:15:57 I'd yell at you whenever we passed each other in the hallway.

00:16:00 Like it was yesterday, man.

00:16:01 Awesome, awesome.

00:16:03 Awesome.

00:16:04 God, you guys have so much to catch up on.

00:16:06 Woo!

00:16:07 No.

00:16:08 I'm going to let you get to it.

00:16:09 Bitch.

00:16:10 You seen that big blow-up picture they have of me?

00:16:18 Yeah, it's...

00:16:20 My hair is terrible.

00:16:21 I can't believe I wore my hair like that.

00:16:24 That's before I knew about styling products.

00:16:26 You know, it makes a big difference in life.

00:16:29 You live and learn, though, right?

00:16:32 I mean, ten years ago, Pittsburgh,

00:16:34 nobody knew anything about fashion.

00:16:36 Back in the day.

00:16:39 Or hairstyle.

00:16:40 Oh.

00:16:41 Hey, stranger.

00:16:45 Whoa!

00:16:47 Stinky-linky!

00:16:48 Yeah!

00:16:49 Although it's just Mary now.

00:16:51 You give me a hug.

00:16:52 Oh, okay.

00:16:54 Hi!

00:16:55 Hi.

00:16:57 Wow!

00:16:58 How have you been?

00:17:00 Great, great.

00:17:01 Yeah?

00:17:02 You look fantastic.

00:17:03 Wow, that is not something that you would have said to me ten years ago.

00:17:07 Ah, well, I've grown up.

00:17:09 Yes.

00:17:10 Yes, you have.

00:17:11 You just look...

00:17:13 Listen to you.

00:17:18 Thank you.

00:17:19 No, don't thank me.

00:17:20 Just fuck me.

00:17:21 [laughing]

00:17:23 Oh!

00:17:25 [laughing]

00:17:27 Roxanne!

00:17:37 Hey, someone I like.

00:17:39 One of the odds, huh?

00:17:41 [sighs]

00:17:44 Zach Brown.

00:17:45 We had four years of Spanish together.

00:17:46 Why does no one recognize me?

00:17:47 Am I thinner?

00:17:48 Is that it?

00:17:49 Look at him.

00:17:51 Who?

00:17:52 My stupid husband.

00:17:53 No fucking shit!

00:17:55 John Butterfield?

00:17:56 You actually married John Butterfield?

00:17:58 That's amazing!

00:17:59 Don't ever get married.

00:18:00 It sucks.

00:18:01 You stop appreciating each other,

00:18:03 and you're running out of shit to talk about after the first year.

00:18:05 Mm.

00:18:06 But look at him now.

00:18:07 Chatty as fuck.

00:18:09 Flirting up a storm with that cheerleader nimrod Monica Vaughn.

00:18:12 You want me to maybe flirt with you so he can see it, even it up a bit?

00:18:17 I don't want to get even.

00:18:19 If I was going to do anything, I want to one-up the asshole.

00:18:22 You can give me a handjob in the girls' locker room.

00:18:27 Fine, but make it fast.

00:18:34 Fuck yeah.

00:18:35 So are you staying in town for a while, or...?

00:18:37 Just tonight.

00:18:38 I fly back to L.A. tomorrow.

00:18:40 L.A.?

00:18:41 Wow, Los Angeles!

00:18:42 Gosh, Bobby Long!

00:18:44 Coming up in the world!

00:18:46 With Mrs. Long, I bet, huh?

00:18:48 Oh.

00:18:49 Uh, no, no, no.

00:18:50 No Mrs. Long for me.

00:18:52 Then can I be honest with you?

00:18:55 Sure.

00:18:56 Um...

00:18:57 Whew! I think I need a drink.

00:19:02 Do you need a drink? 'Cause I need a drink to say this.

00:19:04 I've got a beer already, so I can...

00:19:06 Oh, great. Thank you.

00:19:07 I think there was a cigarette butt in there.

00:19:10 Yep.

00:19:12 Sorry about the elbow.

00:19:18 (sighs)

00:19:20 I can be only one!

00:19:23 Can I get a beer, please?

00:19:28 Thank you very much.

00:19:32 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:19:36 My friend's been a total ass of herself

00:19:38 hitting on her old high school crush.

00:19:40 Oh, God, that's so sad.

00:19:42 It's so meery, is what it is.

00:19:44 I'm Zach, by the way.

00:19:45 Brandon.

00:19:47 Oh, don't worry, we weren't in the same class or anything.

00:19:49 Okay.

00:19:50 Lucky you.

00:19:51 (laughs)

00:19:52 Are you a Menrover?

00:19:53 Well, I went here.

00:19:55 Let's just leave it at that, I guess.

00:19:57 Do you have one of the large, blown-up pictures

00:19:59 of your younger self hanging around here?

00:20:01 I do! Uh, kind of. Right there.

00:20:03 Gorgeous.

00:20:06 Good times.

00:20:07 What do you do?

00:20:08 What brings you here?

00:20:10 I came here with somebody who went to school here.

00:20:12 Really?

00:20:13 Bobby Long.

00:20:14 Bobby Long?

00:20:15 Really?

00:20:16 Bobby Long.

00:20:17 No shit, that's who my friend's hitting on right now.

00:20:19 See, right there, the one dressed like Hannah Montana?

00:20:22 (gasps)

00:20:23 In L.A., we call that look "Nickelodeon chic."

00:20:26 Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles?

00:20:28 California.

00:20:29 That's awesome, man.

00:20:30 What do you do out there?

00:20:31 I'm an actor.

00:20:33 Wow, that's really impressive.

00:20:35 Thank you, thank you.

00:20:37 In fucking movies?

00:20:38 Fucking movies, pretty much.

00:20:40 Look at you.

00:20:41 What? Anything I've seen?

00:20:42 What movies?

00:20:43 Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.

00:20:45 All-male casts?

00:20:47 Like "Glenn Gary Glenn Ross"? Like that?

00:20:49 Like Glenn and Gary suck Ross's meaty cock

00:20:53 and drop their hairy nuts in his eager mouth.

00:20:56 Is that like a sequel?

00:21:00 Sort of.

00:21:02 It's a reimagining.

00:21:04 Oh, like "The Wiz"?

00:21:06 More erotic, and with less women.

00:21:10 No women, to be exact.

00:21:12 (music playing)

00:21:14 I apologize in advance if I am out of line here,

00:21:19 but are you in gay porn?

00:21:21 Guilty as charged.

00:21:22 Are you fucking with me?

00:21:24 I thought you recognized me at first, that's why.

00:21:26 Oh, okay, I get it.

00:21:27 You're not my demographic, so I'm not insulted.

00:21:30 Not really.

00:21:31 Who's your demographic?

00:21:32 Do you love pussy?

00:21:33 I do.

00:21:34 Then not you.

00:21:35 Oh, okay.

00:21:36 I came here tonight hoping to seduce you

00:21:40 and bring you back to my apartment and sleep with you

00:21:43 to get back at you, you know,

00:21:45 for calling me stinky-winky all those years ago.

00:21:49 Wow, that is a weird revenge plot.

00:21:52 You must be a terrible lay for that.

00:21:54 What? No, I'm great.

00:21:55 I mean, I've had enough practice and everything.

00:21:57 I'm--that's--wow, that sounded not good.

00:22:01 (laughing)

00:22:02 I fuck a lot, that's what I meant to say.

00:22:04 That doesn't sound good either.

00:22:06 Wow!

00:22:07 You're a lot funnier than I remember.

00:22:11 Thank you.

00:22:12 Gosh, you turned out to be such a nice guy.

00:22:16 Wow.

00:22:17 It just, you know, it makes it even easier to just--

00:22:21 to just say this.

00:22:22 Would you like to come back to my place

00:22:25 and maybe open a bottle of wine

00:22:27 and have ourselves a real high school reunion?

00:22:31 Fine.

00:22:32 Hello, Miriam.

00:22:33 Beat it, we're talking.

00:22:34 I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.

00:22:36 Salutations.

00:22:38 Bobby's boyfriend.

00:22:39 Bobby who?

00:22:40 Bobby me.

00:22:41 Bobby Long.

00:22:44 Brandon, uh, is the star of such adult fare as--

00:22:48 what was that one called again?

00:22:50 You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it.

00:22:53 That's right.

00:22:54 I'm surprised I forgot that.

00:22:56 Are you fucking with me?

00:22:57 No, they're fucking with each other.

00:23:00 Oh, my God.

00:23:03 No.

00:23:05 What?

00:23:06 Uh, granny panties.

00:23:08 Excuse me?

00:23:09 How can you tell?

00:23:10 This is so crazy.

00:23:11 I was literally just watching you,

00:23:13 like, right before we got here.

00:23:15 This is so crazy.

00:23:16 This is you, right?

00:23:17 My name's Granny Panties,

00:23:19 and nobody wants to fuck me.

00:23:21 Nothing's whiter than my big gay ass.

00:23:24 Where'd you get that?

00:23:25 Oh, I entered gay and ass, and it was the top hit.

00:23:28 It's had 200,000 views in 3 hours.

00:23:31 Honey, you are, like--

00:23:32 I'm actually jealous right now,

00:23:33 'cause you're, like, super famous.

00:23:35 Baby, take-- please take our picture.

00:23:37 I need a picture with Granny Panties.

00:23:39 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:23:40 This is awesome.

00:23:41 All right, smile.

00:23:42 Okay, got it.

00:23:43 Did you get it?

00:23:44 Oh, thank you, baby.

00:23:45 Email me that.

00:23:46 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:47 Oh, 'cause he's the worst photographer.

00:23:49 Okay, good.

00:23:50 You're gay?

00:23:51 Yeah.

00:23:52 And I'm on the Internet wearing...

00:23:55 a diaper?

00:23:56 Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity?

00:23:59 I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out.

00:24:02 Okay.

00:24:03 She'll be fine.

00:24:04 So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?

00:24:07 I like crazy.

00:24:08 [laughing]

00:24:09 Okay, that's enough, I think.

00:24:11 Oh, I'm embarrassing him.

00:24:12 I love when he gets embarrassed.

00:24:14 He's not living out loud, you know,

00:24:16 so he gets all, like, "Oh."

00:24:17 You guys are totally in love, aren't you?

00:24:19 Zachary, we are.

00:24:20 Wow, I-- oh, God, I just wanna--

00:24:22 I wanna eat him up.

00:24:23 Save some for me.

00:24:24 I'm gonna--

00:24:25 I can't keep my hands off him.

00:24:26 I'm so sorry.

00:24:27 I think you've had one too many cosmos.

00:24:28 You know what?

00:24:29 Although, he does most of the eating in the sack,

00:24:31 and of the sack.

00:24:32 All right, that's enough.

00:24:33 You-- look, you've drunk too much.

00:24:35 You do this every time.

00:24:36 You get too merry for everybody in the room,

00:24:37 and you just-- you can't contain yourself.

00:24:40 Well, I'm sorry.

00:24:41 And by containing myself,

00:24:42 do you mean containing myself in the closet?

00:24:45 In a closet of denial?

00:24:46 Is that-- is-- no, no, no.

00:24:48 Oh, shit, this is gonna be real.

00:24:49 No, but this is exactly why you haven't met my mother.

00:24:52 Because you don't know how to ease people into this situation.

00:24:54 You just force your way in every time.

00:24:56 Baby, I thought maybe--

00:24:57 maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town

00:25:00 I could be myself.

00:25:01 I'm so sorry. No, you're right.

00:25:03 I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it

00:25:07 when you shove your dick in my mouth.

00:25:10 This is the best night of my life.

00:25:12 Am I making a spectacle? 'Cause I could make a much bigger scene.

00:25:15 You really are.

00:25:16 I'm sorry, Pittsburgh.

00:25:18 Listen up, Munrovers.

00:25:19 My name is-- my name is Brandon St. Randy,

00:25:22 and I love Bobby Long.

00:25:24 Fuckin' A.

00:25:25 Is that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene?

00:25:27 'Cause I could start doing a lot worse than that.

00:25:29 And the reason-- the reason you haven't taken me home to your mother's--

00:25:32 your mother with her makeup and all her drinking--

00:25:34 she's-- she's in the closet, too.

00:25:36 They fight just like real people.

00:25:38 I thought I could be a conduit for you.

00:25:40 Thank you.

00:25:41 Are you being sarcastic?

00:25:42 No, I am not.

00:25:44 Thank you. I love you.

00:25:46 [kiss]

00:25:47 I love you so much.

00:25:48 I'll email you, Brandon.

00:25:49 Zack, it was so nice to meet you.

00:25:51 And I will be patient with you.

00:25:53 I will be there on your journey.

00:25:54 I will be your sherp up the mountain...

00:25:57 of gayness.

00:25:58 [roaring]

00:26:00 [roaring]

00:26:03 [music]

00:26:25 Well, might as well see how many hits Granny Panties is up to, huh?

00:26:29 [scoffs]

00:26:30 [gunshots]

00:26:31 Did I do that?

00:26:35 [music]

00:26:43 Thanks, Dad.

00:26:44 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:45 [sighs]

00:26:46 What kind of evil fucks turn off your power the day--

00:26:50 no, the night before Thanksgiving?

00:26:54 Who does that?

00:26:55 Can you get an advance on your credit card?

00:26:57 The fleshlight maxed out my $200 limit.

00:27:00 Not a wise purchase. I'll give you that.

00:27:02 This is bad.

00:27:03 If we don't come up with some rent,

00:27:04 we're gonna get locked out of the apartment.

00:27:06 So who the fuck wants to live there?

00:27:07 There's no water or power.

00:27:09 Which means by the time we get home,

00:27:10 there's no heat either.

00:27:12 Well, I think it's time we put

00:27:14 what we always talked about into effect.

00:27:18 You're gonna have to start hooking.

00:27:20 You know, you jest, but these are the exact circumstances

00:27:22 people find themselves in right before they start

00:27:25 having sex for money...

00:27:27 or making porn.

00:27:29 Aw, yeah.

00:27:34 [music]

00:27:43 Oh, my God, yeah.

00:27:45 What, you got an idea?

00:27:46 We could make a porno.

00:27:48 Not the idea I was looking for.

00:27:50 No, yeah, that is a fucking awesome idea.

00:27:52 Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea.

00:27:54 That guy, Brandon St. Randy,

00:27:56 who's Bobby Long's awesome, nice boyfriend,

00:27:58 he said he makes $100,000 a year

00:28:00 because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.

00:28:03 If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?

00:28:06 Because other people have options and dignity,

00:28:08 which we do not have,

00:28:10 which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position.

00:28:13 Fuck you. I have dignity.

00:28:15 Where? Is it hidden in your gigantic underpants

00:28:17 that are plastered all over the Internet?

00:28:19 Is that where you hide your dignity?

00:28:21 Every woman has a pair of those period panties, okay?

00:28:23 That's like a fact.

00:28:25 Okay, families.

00:28:27 I bet most people don't make porno 'cause they have families,

00:28:29 but luckily, your parents are dead.

00:28:32 Sorry. My grandparents are dead.

00:28:34 Sorry. Thank you.

00:28:36 So who are we gonna disappoint?

00:28:38 Porn has gone mainstream now.

00:28:40 It's like Coca-Cola or Pepsi, with dicks in it.

00:28:43 Look at Paris Hilton.

00:28:45 She throat fucks a guy in night vision.

00:28:47 She sells her own fragrances to tweens,

00:28:49 and I'm pretty sure she's legally retarded.

00:28:51 That's for tweens?

00:28:53 Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made "Girl Gone Wild"?

00:28:55 That guy is the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world,

00:28:58 and he has a jet and a fucking island.

00:29:01 Look, there has got to be a less extreme solution

00:29:04 to our financial lows here.

00:29:06 Give me a better option.

00:29:08 Get a paper route. I don't have a bike.

00:29:10 You could be a waiter. No one wants me around their food.

00:29:13 Would you eat food that I gave you?

00:29:15 I'd eat food that you gave me. That's true.

00:29:17 I mean, nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack.

00:29:20 Everybody wants to see anybody fuck.

00:29:22 I hate Rosie O'Donnell, but if someone said,

00:29:24 "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting fucked stupid,"

00:29:27 I'd be like, "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?"

00:29:30 'Cause she's famous. Hello.

00:29:32 So are you. You're fucking granny panties.

00:29:34 My underwear and your ass are famous.

00:29:36 We're not.

00:29:38 So who the F would want to watch us fuck?

00:29:40 At least 800 people.

00:29:42 The jerks we went to school with, are you serious?

00:29:44 Of course I'm serious.

00:29:46 If you heard that someone we graduated with was in a fucking porno movie,

00:29:48 you'd watch it, right?

00:29:50 I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock. I just met him.

00:29:52 With this mailing list, we have almost 1,000 people

00:29:55 that would definitely buy a porno we were in just to be like,

00:29:57 "Hey, I sat next to that guy in Civics.

00:30:00 Look at his fucking dick."

00:30:02 We sell 1,000 copies at 20 bucks a pop.

00:30:04 Bam! We have paid off our bills.

00:30:07 So what do you think?

00:30:09 I think I want to fuck a stranger.

00:30:11 Oh, wow. Like you've never done that before.

00:30:14 How many guys have you met in a bar,

00:30:16 taken home, banged with your mouth,

00:30:19 and then never talked to again?

00:30:21 That's what we call a stranger.

00:30:23 Dude, I don't one night mouth-fuck anybody that I pick up in bars.

00:30:27 Okay, fine. You don't want to fuck a stranger in the porno movie

00:30:29 for some weird reason.

00:30:31 I guess.

00:30:33 We could fuck.

00:30:38 Ew.

00:30:40 Fuck you.

00:30:42 I mean, you're a nice enough looking guy and everything.

00:30:44 Holy fuck, thank you.

00:30:46 You're an all right enough looking girl. How does that feel?

00:30:48 Dude, I'm just saying, it'd be weird and wrong, you know,

00:30:51 like fucking my brother.

00:30:53 Okay, seriously, we're just talking about sex, okay?

00:30:55 And it's for a purpose.

00:30:57 It's for getting rich.

00:30:59 Only my dick and your pussy would be doing something weird.

00:31:01 Our bodies and brains would be acting.

00:31:04 Wow.

00:31:06 And you just explained to your private beforehand,

00:31:08 "It doesn't mean anything. We're just doing this for cash."

00:31:11 Oh, my God.

00:31:13 What?

00:31:15 You're just doing this 'cause you've always wanted to fuck me, aren't you?

00:31:18 Yes.

00:31:20 I've gone my whole life pretending that I want nothing to do with you,

00:31:24 just hoping one day we'd be in such dire financial straits

00:31:27 that I could use it to finally make my move on you.

00:31:31 You're just being sarcastic.

00:31:36 I am. See, I was pretending to cry right there.

00:31:38 Uh-uh.

00:31:40 I guess it's not like it'd be creepy.

00:31:43 Like if we just got way too drunk one night and accidentally fucked, you know?

00:31:47 No.

00:31:49 We'd be going in with the understanding that it's--

00:31:52 A business decision.

00:31:54 Strictly a business decision. It's a means to an end.

00:31:56 Right.

00:31:58 And by end, I mean I'll be waxing your ass.

00:32:00 Oh, fuck you. I'm not even letting you see my ass.

00:32:03 I've seen your ass and the rest of you naked around a billion times already.

00:32:07 Well, that goes both ways, buddy.

00:32:09 You've never seen my dick. Have you seen my dick?

00:32:11 You've never seen my dick.

00:32:13 Are you kidding? That party we went to where you got blasted

00:32:16 and who's dared you to give yourself head

00:32:18 and then we all watched you try for like an hour?

00:32:21 Oh, yeah.

00:32:23 Thanks, by the way, for fucking letting me do that. Thank you.

00:32:26 Oh, God, we really do know too much about each other.

00:32:28 See? And this would really just be one more thing.

00:32:32 I mean, look at us. It's Thanksgiving.

00:32:35 We're huddled around a flaming fucking garbage can like a couple of steno bums.

00:32:39 I mean, this could give us a chance to pay off our debt, pay our bills,

00:32:43 get a fucking nicer apartment with heat in it, maybe.

00:32:46 What are you doing?

00:32:52 Miriam, Linky, will you have sex with me on camera for money?

00:32:59 I will.

00:33:01 - For Deuce? - Yeah.

00:33:04 He's the guy who gets to finance the movie.

00:33:07 What the hell makes you think I got that kind of money?

00:33:09 We just need that. We just need what you were about to spend on the flat screen.

00:33:12 Look, now I can get my flat screen?

00:33:14 - Fuck that. - No, no, no.

00:33:15 Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens, okay?

00:33:18 You'll have one in your living room, you'll have one in your bathroom.

00:33:20 One in the bathroom?

00:33:22 - I don't know. - You don't know?

00:33:25 - One in the bathroom. - One in the bathroom?

00:33:28 You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.

00:33:31 Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit.

00:33:34 I'm gonna make that happen for you, man.

00:33:36 I don't know, man. What else do producers do?

00:33:39 Um, they help with the casting.

00:33:42 - What's casting? - You know, it's finding the people to be in the movie.

00:33:45 - Oh, so I get to help pick the women? - Yeah.

00:33:47 Like I can look at a titty or something, make sure there ain't no moles on it or nothing?

00:33:50 You can look at both titties, man.

00:33:52 Man, I've been looking at the same busted titties for the past almost 20 years now.

00:33:57 - I'm due for another new titty. - Please help us. Please.

00:34:01 Yes! Yes! I love you!

00:34:09 Ah, well, don't mind that smell.

00:34:13 We had some homeless people squatting in here.

00:34:16 You know what? They would void their balls everywhere but the bathroom.

00:34:20 Anyway, you pick up the poop and you've got yourself a movie studio.

00:34:24 Why don't we just shoot this thing in your apartment?

00:34:26 No power. You wanna pay our electric bill?

00:34:28 - You motherfuckers. - We'll take it.

00:34:31 - Get back! Get back! - Fuck, fuck, fuck!

00:34:36 Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

00:34:41 Oh, God.

00:34:43 Come on!

00:34:45 Why the fuck do I have to do everything?

00:34:48 Fuckers!

00:34:50 Fucking guys. This is a fucking team, man. They fucking suck.

00:34:59 I'm gonna hate-fuck this shit out of you, ref.

00:35:04 Dude, that's cool. He's my cousin.

00:35:08 Hey, isn't it used to videotape the varsity basketball games in high school or something?

00:35:13 Just the away games? I did it 'cause I was trying to fucking cheer later.

00:35:17 - Which one? - Whichever one wanted to fuck the guy who taped the varsity games.

00:35:22 - You still wanna work a video camera? - Who cares what the title is?

00:35:27 The porn I liked when I was a kid, it was always like a spoof of a popular movie, you know?

00:35:32 Like, um, "Edward Penis Hands."

00:35:35 Okay, so we need a mildly clever, vaguely dirty title that sounds like a real movie

00:35:40 and will basically sum up what you're gonna say.

00:35:42 - Correct. - "An American Werewolf in Brenda."

00:35:45 "Fuck Back Mountain."

00:35:48 - Too soon? - "Cock and Lips Now."

00:35:50 - Next! - "Cradle the Balls."

00:35:52 "Work the Shaft."

00:35:53 "Jerk, my cum crayon, and let me color you white."

00:35:56 "I need cock and I need it now."

00:35:59 "I'm fucking you in the puss."

00:36:01 "I'm fucking you in the puss."

00:36:03 It's "puss" as in "pussy."

00:36:06 Oh, because I was like, "Who would wanna fuck puss?"

00:36:10 "I want to slam my hand in your can, woman."

00:36:15 - Sweet. - This guy's amazing.

00:36:18 This guy's great looking, too.

00:36:21 I wanna fuck him.

00:36:22 Hi, my name's Delaney, and I'm a producer.

00:36:26 I really don't know what it means, I'm just gonna be honest.

00:36:28 It's my first time. You know, you don't have to worry.

00:36:31 I'm not gonna touch you, nothing like that.

00:36:34 - Alright. - I have a wife.

00:36:36 You know, we're happy.

00:36:38 I mean, not happy, but it's cool.

00:36:41 You know, just so you know, there will be some fucking,

00:36:45 but we'll talk about that if you get the part.

00:36:49 - Okay. - I mean, not we won't be fucking.

00:36:51 That'd be fucking in the movie.

00:36:53 I can say I got a wife, and she don't play that shit.

00:36:56 - She's a crazy bitch. - Yep.

00:36:59 It's my job as the producer to see what you got.

00:37:04 So, if that makes you uncomfortable in any way,

00:37:07 you don't have to show me anything.

00:37:10 You don't wanna show me, 'cause...

00:37:13 I love the movies.

00:37:16 - Born in Southern Labia. - No.

00:37:19 - Oh, God. - Dawn of the Dick.

00:37:21 Yeah, but how are zombies doing it at all sexy?

00:37:24 I want to eat your brain and your ass.

00:37:29 - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Dude.

00:37:32 Sci-fi, yeah.

00:37:34 Close encounters with the turd from behind.

00:37:37 - I don't know what that means. - Just asses.

00:37:39 Fucking gaping asses.

00:37:41 What? We're making a porn out,

00:37:47 and we just need to know what you would be

00:37:50 or would not be interested in doing.

00:37:52 If anything.

00:37:54 - No anal. - Oh, definitely no anal.

00:37:56 - Anal and hugging. - I don't do ass stuff.

00:38:00 - Anal. - Oh, fuck.

00:38:02 Oh, wait, oral. I like anal.

00:38:05 - Yay! - Okay, well, so, uh,

00:38:08 do you have any special skills?

00:38:10 Special skills.

00:38:12 I can get a ballroom really quick,

00:38:14 and it sticks straight out.

00:38:16 - Is that really a special skill? - I think it is.

00:38:18 - Can you show us what you mean? - Sure.

00:38:28 Oh, that is special.

00:38:30 - Yeah, you're hired. - Yeah.

00:38:32 - Mr., uh, who are you again? - Lester.

00:38:35 Lester the Molester Cockney stuff.

00:38:37 - No. - Wow.

00:38:39 That is the best porn name I've ever heard, man.

00:38:42 I can have a porn name?

00:38:44 Then I'll be Pete Jones.

00:38:47 Okay.

00:38:48 - Are you Granny Panties? - She is!

00:38:50 Get the fuck out of here.

00:38:52 The Granny Panties are actually in the house.

00:38:54 - I'll get 'em. - Whoa.

00:38:56 - Star sex 2, the wrath of cunt. - We never made a star sex 1.

00:38:59 I guess we're gonna lose star sex 3, the search for cock, then.

00:39:02 - C-cunt! - What's that?

00:39:04 It's cocoon with a cunt.

00:39:06 Ew!

00:39:08 So Delaney tells us you have a special talent of some sort.

00:39:12 I don't know if I'd call it a special talent,

00:39:14 but it's a little something I picked up during bachelor parties.

00:39:18 It would probably be easier if I just showed you.

00:39:21 - Great. - Floor is yours.

00:39:24 ( music playing )

00:39:27 So a movie, huh? That could be fun.

00:39:41 ( music playing )

00:39:44 Her name bubbles.

00:40:00 Um, "Evasion of the Potty Snatchers."

00:40:03 That's like "Mad Magazine" stupid.

00:40:05 Well, fuck you, okay? You're trying to think of a good sci-fi porno title.

00:40:08 - It's hard. - There's gotta be one we haven't thought of

00:40:11 that would say it all, not be ridiculously filthy and off-putting,

00:40:14 and still have instant recognition with our audience.

00:40:17 - I got it! - I got it!

00:40:21 - "Star Horrors." - Yeah, funny, right?

00:40:24 See, we figure this opens us up to an even bigger sales market,

00:40:27 beyond the people we went to school with,

00:40:29 people who like comics and sci-fi.

00:40:31 Comics? Like Ziggy?

00:40:33 Ziggy? Is that even in fucking papers anymore? No, man.

00:40:36 Fuck you. Ziggy's a comic. It's right next to Family Circus.

00:40:39 No, like Spider-Man and shit, you know?

00:40:42 There's always a shitload of "Star Wars" nerds at those comic book shows,

00:40:46 so we sell them a Princess Leia they can really fucking jerk off to.

00:40:49 - That'd be me, Princess Leiher. - Mm-hmm.

00:40:52 - Who am I playing? - You, my friend,

00:40:54 are the lead role of lubed guy baller.

00:40:57 Aw, man, you're gonna be ballin', dudes.

00:40:59 I thought you said this shit was boys on girls.

00:41:01 Well, I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.

00:41:04 What's wrong with you, boy?

00:41:06 Uh, we'll change the name to Sky Baller.

00:41:09 I will be Hung Solo.

00:41:12 Delaney, my friend, you are On Your Knees Bendover.

00:41:16 Man, I can't be in no porn or my wife will kill me.

00:41:18 Hump me, On Your Knees Bendover. You're my only hump.

00:41:22 On the other hand, fuck my wife.

00:41:24 Unfortunately, On Your Knees Bendover does not have any sex in the movie,

00:41:28 but the droids do, I.C.U.P. and R2-T-Veg.

00:41:32 I, robot.

00:41:35 And, uh, Stacy over here is gonna play Darth Vibrator.

00:41:40 - I'm the bad guy? - She's not a guy, Zag.

00:41:43 I know that, 'cause I'm not a fuckin' idiot.

00:41:45 Uh, in our movie, Darth Vibrator is a bad girl

00:41:49 who wants to fuck the galaxy, literally,

00:41:51 and it's up to Lube and Hung to stop her.

00:41:54 - With their cocks. - So you and me get to have sex, then?

00:41:57 - Yeah. - Cool.

00:41:59 I know, it'll be awesome.

00:42:01 So who's all having sex with who in this movie?

00:42:04 As of last night, I was having sex with Zack.

00:42:06 What? Ha Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War.

00:42:11 Uh, guys, let's just-- this isn't a literal adaptation here.

00:42:14 It's more of an erotic reimagining.

00:42:17 Kind of like The Wiz, or like a parody.

00:42:20 - With lots of anal. - Cool.

00:42:22 I know, isn't that awesome?

00:42:24 I have a question. Do Princess Leia and Lube Skyballer have sex?

00:42:29 Uh, no, because they're brother and sister,

00:42:32 and according to Miri, brother and sisters can't fuck.

00:42:35 But you actually said that this wasn't a literal translation,

00:42:38 so that means Lester's character could have sex with Miri's character,

00:42:42 'cause I would love to fuckin' eat her ass and fuck her silly in the movie.

00:42:46 Well, dream on, pal, 'cause it's never gonna happen, okay?

00:42:49 - No, I'm fine with it. - See? She's fine-- wait, what?

00:42:52 Yep. I mean, everyone else is having sex with more than one person

00:42:55 in this movie all of a sudden, so I think it's, you know,

00:42:58 not fair if I'm only fucking you.

00:43:02 Guys, read amongst yourselves, okay?

00:43:05 Can I talk to you for a sec?

00:43:07 Look, Miri, we got plenty of sex going on in this thing already.

00:43:11 - You don't have to do that. - Zack, it's fine.

00:43:13 I mean, I have slept with way worse-looking guys than Lester,

00:43:16 and I just want to do my part for the movie like everyone else.

00:43:19 You're having sex in the movie already, so you don't need to fuck someone else.

00:43:22 - You're good. - I'm only fucking you, though,

00:43:25 so don't we need to vary it up to keep it fair?

00:43:29 Fair for-- I don't-- what? Fair for who?

00:43:31 What are these, blood diamonds we're talking about? I mean, come on.

00:43:34 Fair for everyone else who is fucking more than one person,

00:43:37 - a.k.a. you, in the movie. - I mean, fine, but--

00:43:41 - All right, then. I mean, if you don't care, I mean-- - I don't fucking care.

00:43:44 If you fuck him, fuck. I don't give a shit, like you said, you know?

00:43:47 You fuck bigger idiots than Lester, right?

00:43:49 Holy shit. Are we really gonna shoot this in outer space?

00:43:53 Maybe not bigger idiots.

00:43:55 ♪ Kuzmo says bye in my DeLorean ♪

00:44:05 ♪ War's over, I'm a peacetime Mandalorian ♪

00:44:07 ♪ Historian stumps, Star Wars historians ♪

00:44:09 ♪ Deep in debate, but they play at Benegades ♪

00:44:12 ♪ Prime renegade, short on penetrating ♪

00:44:14 ♪ First and second offense, I won't hesitate ♪

00:44:16 ♪ Got a job to do in Darcy, got the delegates ♪

00:44:18 ♪ Got something against Skywalker, someone he really hates ♪

00:44:20 ♪ I don't give a fuck, I'm after Solo for all I carry ♪

00:44:23 ♪ 'Cause behind it, Yoda's dojo, gotta make the money ♪

00:44:25 ♪ Credit's no good when a Jawa's run a shop in your neighborhood ♪

00:44:28 ♪ Think you can cook? I got a grappling hook ♪

00:44:30 ♪ Let's make this quick 'cause I'm really hooked ♪

00:44:32 ♪ I'm a DBS to generate, defender of the devil ♪

00:44:34 ♪ Shirt on all the trash compactors on the detachment level ♪

00:44:36 ♪ My backpacks got jets, well, I'm Bola ♪

00:44:39 ♪ I'm that fat, well, I bounty hunt for Jawa HUD ♪

00:44:42 ♪ Too fun and my bed, get down ♪

00:44:45 ♪ My backpacks got jets, jets, jets, jets, jets ♪

00:44:49 ♪ Well, I'm Bola, the fat, the fat, the fat, the fat ♪

00:44:53 ♪ Well, I bounty hunt for Jawa HUD ♪

00:44:56 ♪ Too fun and it's my bed, my bed, my bed, my bed, my bed ♪

00:45:03 Cut.

00:45:10 Alright guys, that's it.

00:45:12 So everyone just make sure you leave your costumes

00:45:16 so we know they're here for tomorrow, okay?

00:45:18 But mostly, everybody, thank you so much

00:45:21 for helping us get ready.

00:45:22 You know, cleaning this place out and building the sets

00:45:24 and sewing the costumes, it's just...

00:45:26 I mean, it's really amazing. Thank you.

00:45:28 Seriously, thanks.

00:45:29 But, this is just the beginning, guys.

00:45:32 If Star Wars works, and it will,

00:45:34 we are set up for sequels galore.

00:45:36 The Empire Strikes Ass.

00:45:38 Return of the Brown Eye.

00:45:39 The Phantom Menace.

00:45:41 And Revenge of the Shit, the all anal final chapter.

00:45:47 Okay, Revenge of the Shit.

00:45:49 You got it.

00:45:51 Yeah, no, we got it.

00:45:52 Ew.

00:45:54 Fuck you, motherfuckers.

00:45:55 We'll talk about that one.

00:45:57 We're gonna have a lot of fun, but more importantly,

00:45:59 we're gonna make a lot of fucking money, okay?

00:46:02 So get ready for greatness, people.

00:46:03 Tomorrow we start principal photography.

00:46:05 (cheering)

00:46:07 Alright, goodnight, you guys.

00:46:09 What?

00:46:16 I just think someone should acknowledge

00:46:17 how completely insane and amazing this is,

00:46:20 and it's all because of you.

00:46:21 I don't know, it's just a porno.

00:46:23 You know what I mean.

00:46:25 You've really come into your own.

00:46:27 Shut the fuck up.

00:46:30 So, speaking of coming into things,

00:46:34 ready for tomorrow, 20 years,

00:46:36 finally gonna know what it's like to have sex with each other.

00:46:38 Wow, you say that like you've been wondering

00:46:40 what it'd be like to sleep with me for a while now.

00:46:42 Why the fuck do you think I started hanging out with you, huh?

00:46:45 I knew it.

00:46:47 Here.

00:46:48 Let's just promise that

00:46:54 it's not gonna change anything between us, okay?

00:46:57 Like what?

00:46:58 I don't know, some guys can't keep sex in perspective.

00:47:01 If anyone's gotta keep us in perspective, it's you, okay?

00:47:03 I don't want you getting all mushy and gooey on me

00:47:06 after I give you the best orgasm you've ever had in your life.

00:47:09 Oh, right, like you know what you're doing down there at all.

00:47:12 Actually, don't. Where's the clitoris, is it in your ass?

00:47:15 Just, you know, make sure you kinda whoop it up

00:47:18 and act like I'm a stud who knows what he's doing, okay?

00:47:21 Just be a pal.

00:47:22 Oh, dude, I am gonna Meryl Streep the fuck out of this tomorrow, you watch.

00:47:26 Thanks.

00:47:30 You're welcome.

00:47:31 No, really, thank you.

00:47:34 For everything.

00:47:37 You're welcome.

00:47:42 [car engine]

00:47:44 Less than 12 hours, we make Monroeville history.

00:47:51 I really hope nothing goes wrong.

00:47:53 It's a movie, what could go wrong?

00:47:55 [car engine]

00:47:57 We're gonna run out!

00:48:09 What the fuck? What are you doing?

00:48:12 What are you doing?

00:48:13 [screaming]

00:48:15 No, no, no, no, no!

00:48:19 What the fuck is going on?

00:48:21 Condos is what's going on as soon as this shithole's demoed.

00:48:24 No, no, you gotta stop it right now.

00:48:26 We rented this place for a month from Mr. Jenkins.

00:48:28 Yeah, it sounds like your Mr. Jenkins is full of shit.

00:48:31 Luxury Homestead bought this place a month ago.

00:48:33 I'm gonna kill that line, old fuck.

00:48:35 You're gonna have to go down to Florida to do so.

00:48:37 I heard that's where he moved.

00:48:38 We got thousands of dollars of equipment in there, man.

00:48:40 Please.

00:48:41 Hey, if you wanna sift through this rubble when we're done,

00:48:43 be my guest.

00:48:44 Hey, get that fucking beam down!

00:48:46 [explosion]

00:48:49 I know this is probably the last thing you wanna hear right now,

00:49:06 but if you don't get an advance on your salary,

00:49:08 I don't think we're gonna keep a roof over our heads.

00:49:10 I got an advance already.

00:49:12 Went into all the costumes.

00:49:14 So all our money's gone.

00:49:16 All your money?

00:49:17 Never mind what my wife's gonna do to me

00:49:19 when I ain't on new snow tires,

00:49:21 or when she sees I charged a video camera.

00:49:24 Sorry I dragged you into this, man.

00:49:26 I just wanted to see some free titties.

00:49:28 That's all.

00:49:30 But there's no such thing as free titties.

00:49:33 Is there, Zack?

00:49:35 Is there.

00:49:37 Fuck this noise.

00:49:39 Why don't we just get another camera and shoot something else?

00:49:41 Where are we gonna do that?

00:49:43 You got another soundstage?

00:49:44 What soundstage?

00:49:45 We had a shit-covered garage we turned into a soundstage.

00:49:48 We find someplace new, and we do it again.

00:49:51 How?

00:49:52 Okay, I'm broke, man.

00:49:54 No, make that, I was broke.

00:49:56 Now I am really tapped out.

00:49:58 I'm gonna have to get another job just to pay Delaney back,

00:50:01 so please tell me, how can I afford to start over?

00:50:05 What can I get you?

00:50:06 Yeah, can I get a, um...

00:50:07 Too fucking late.

00:50:08 Cappuccino, $3.50.

00:50:11 Honestly, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

00:50:13 I mean, I'm a total loser

00:50:16 in every single other aspect of my life.

00:50:18 What made me think I could do something as simple

00:50:21 as filming people fucking?

00:50:22 We have no money left, we have nowhere to shoot,

00:50:24 we have no sets, we have no fucking cameras here.

00:50:29 It's time I go back to my regular life,

00:50:32 where I am a quiet fuck-up who doesn't cost anybody any money

00:50:36 and knows his goddamn position behind this fucking counter

00:50:40 making cappuccinos for this fucking guy!

00:50:42 Oh, yeah.

00:50:49 Oh, yeah.

00:50:51 What are you doing?

00:50:59 Oh, yeah.

00:51:01 Yeah.

00:51:03 Fuck yes!

00:51:10 Zach!

00:51:14 [♪♪♪]

00:51:16 Oh, ho, ho, ho.

00:51:36 You sneaky Indian motherfucker, I tell you, yes!

00:51:42 Swallow my cappuccino!

00:51:45 What?

00:51:46 That's it! That's the movie.

00:51:48 Why didn't I think of it before?

00:51:49 We don't need sets or a stage.

00:51:52 Look at all this production value waiting to have balls on it.

00:51:55 Hold up. You want to shoot a dirty movie here while we work?

00:51:58 Yes. Fuck yes, I do.

00:52:01 Do you know how many stories I have from working here?

00:52:03 How many times I've been laid right there after hours?

00:52:07 You've never gotten laid here after hours.

00:52:09 I know. Thank you for reminding me.

00:52:11 But I always wish I had, and that's what porno is.

00:52:14 It's fantasy.

00:52:16 It's taking the normal and making it abnormal by fucking it.

00:52:22 Don't do that. Little dog don't like that.

00:52:24 How the fuck did you get a camera?

00:52:26 By being a terrible, untrustworthy employee.

00:52:29 That's how.

00:52:31 Okay. Give me today. I'll bang out a script.

00:52:33 Meet me back here after closing.

00:52:35 We're going to launch Earth King ropes and jizz 'em

00:52:37 all over this motherfucker.

00:52:39 Peace!

00:52:41 I like that guy, but if he tries to fuck that little dog tonight for real,

00:52:47 I'm calling Humane Society.

00:52:49 Call Bean and God, so get the fuck out of here.

00:52:53 Okay, Barry.

00:52:55 Standby, Stace. Picture's up.

00:53:03 Okay.

00:53:04 Roll tape.

00:53:07 Swallow my coccacino. Scene 12, take 1.

00:53:11 And action.

00:53:20 I'd like a double espresso so I could stay up all night,

00:53:32 'cause I'm in the mood to fuck.

00:53:35 I am a harista, so I love to fuck.

00:53:38 Would you like to fuck me?

00:53:40 Holy fuck, you mean after you're done with your shift?

00:53:43 I mean during my shift.

00:53:46 Keep going. Keep going.

00:53:50 With your shaft.

00:54:02 Let us fuck.

00:54:06 Cue music.

00:54:13 Okay, open up your camera, guys. Let us see it.

00:54:21 More tone.

00:54:26 A little less tone.

00:54:30 A little less tone.

00:54:32 It's a loop-ex.

00:54:46 Oh, yeah.

00:54:48 Oh, yeah. Like that.

00:55:04 Oh, yeah.

00:55:06 See, I told you it would work.

00:55:09 Didn't I tell you it would work? It looks amazing.

00:55:13 I was being cursed.

00:55:15 Looking for coverage.

00:55:17 Yes.

00:55:19 That's why we got him. Right?

00:55:21 I'm proud.

00:55:23 Get in there, Deacon. Come on.

00:55:25 Like that. Like that.

00:55:27 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

00:55:29 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

00:55:31 Pull it out a bit, actually.

00:55:33 No, not you, Lester. Put it back in.

00:55:35 Kiss the mic.

00:55:37 I kissed the mic. No, you kissed the mic.

00:55:39 Can he slap my ass a little?

00:55:41 That's a lot of fucking pervert, dude.

00:55:43 Stir.

00:55:45 Stir. Yeah, stir it.

00:55:47 Stir it.

00:55:49 Hey.

00:56:01 Holy shit.

00:56:03 Is that still open?

00:56:05 Huh?

00:56:07 No.

00:56:09 Close at 9.

00:56:11 I need coffee, so I'm driving home.

00:56:13 Okay.

00:56:15 Yeah.

00:56:17 Thank you.

00:56:19 That was a cute kitty.

00:56:21 Okay.

00:56:23 Hey.

00:56:31 Hey.

00:56:33 You guys see the game?

00:56:35 I was at it.

00:56:37 Fucking Rothf--

00:56:39 Rothfitzberger, the quarterback,

00:56:41 was all fucking

00:56:43 hug it, chug it, football!

00:56:45 All night!

00:56:47 Ha-ha.

00:56:49 Okay, pal, here you go. On the house.

00:56:51 I love you, man.

00:56:53 I love you, too. Have a good one, okay?

00:56:55 Yeah, I'll have a good one.

00:56:57 I said have a good one.

00:56:59 Okay.

00:57:01 You and your little dog.

00:57:03 Go, Steelers!

00:57:05 [sighs]

00:57:07 Action!

00:57:09 Oh, yeah!

00:57:11 Yeah! Yeah, like that!

00:57:13 Oh, fuck it!

00:57:15 Chug it! Football!

00:57:17 Oh, yeah!

00:57:19 Oh, God, this is good.

00:57:21 [grunts]

00:57:23 Take it!

00:57:25 You take it!

00:57:27 Oh, take it, Barry!

00:57:29 Oh, take it!

00:57:31 Take it, Barry.

00:57:33 Take it.

00:57:35 I'm disturbed at how turned on I am by this.

00:57:37 Shit, dude, it's almost set.

00:57:39 Oh, fuck.

00:57:41 Okay, that's a wrap, everybody! Yeah!

00:57:43 Give a hand to our hottest of the bodies

00:57:45 from last night's feast,

00:57:47 Celeste and Buckleberry!

00:57:49 Nice. Okay.

00:57:51 When we come back tonight,

00:57:53 we finish up the Venti-Volva scene,

00:57:55 and then we get into me and Miri's stuff.

00:57:57 Again, amazing first night, everybody.

00:57:59 Thank you so much.

00:58:01 [upbeat music]

00:58:03 Let us fuck.

00:58:05 [laughs]

00:58:07 [groans]

00:58:09 Hey, how'd it look?

00:58:11 How do you think it looked?

00:58:13 It looked like shit going into other shit.

00:58:15 In focus.

00:58:17 What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto.

00:58:19 "I think shit going into other shit."

00:58:21 Oh, man, I can't believe you got to work now.

00:58:23 It's okay. You know what? Honestly, I don't think I could sleep.

00:58:25 I'm pretty, like, pumped up right now.

00:58:27 Right? It was amazing.

00:58:29 It was awesome. I think the cast and crew had a good time.

00:58:31 We were getting great shit. Yeah, it was so fun.

00:58:33 I just want to keep shooting people boning

00:58:35 all fucking day.

00:58:37 I don't think I've ever met the ambitious Zach Brown before.

00:58:39 [laughs]

00:58:41 Well, I'm trying to pay the bills, so...

00:58:43 It's not a bad thing.

00:58:45 I think it looks good on you.

00:58:47 [upbeat music]

00:58:49 [laughs]

00:58:51 [upbeat music]

00:58:53 [sighs]

00:58:55 [upbeat music]

00:58:57 ♪ ♪

00:58:59 ♪ ♪

00:59:01 ♪ ♪

00:59:03 [laughs]

00:59:05 [upbeat music]

00:59:07 ♪ ♪

00:59:09 ♪ ♪

00:59:11 ♪ ♪

00:59:13 ♪ ♪

00:59:15 ♪ ♪

00:59:17 ♪ ♪

00:59:19 ♪ ♪

00:59:21 ♪ ♪

00:59:23 ♪ ♪

00:59:25 ♪ ♪

00:59:27 [thunder crashes]

00:59:29 [fire crackles]

00:59:31 [fire crackles]

00:59:33 Come on, come on.

00:59:35 Come on, come on, come on, come on.

00:59:37 Come on, come on.

00:59:39 Wait a minute. You guys never did it before?

00:59:41 It's fine.

00:59:43 You know, we--we talked about it.

00:59:45 And it's--it's just for the movie.

00:59:47 We're friends, you know?

00:59:49 We're just friends.

00:59:51 We will always just be just friends.

00:59:53 So...

00:59:55 Listen, I have some extra lube from last night.

00:59:57 I mean, I understand it's kind of hard

00:59:59 getting wet when everyone's watching.

01:00:01 At least it was for Barry.

01:00:03 I don't know if I am gonna need it.

01:00:05 Really?

01:00:07 Yeah, I think I'm just...

01:00:09 excited.

01:00:11 Mm-hmm.

01:00:13 At the idea of people watching,

01:00:15 not because of Zack--oh, my God,

01:00:17 Zack Brown could never have that effect on me in a million years.

01:00:19 Hello, ma'am. Oh, hey.

01:00:21 Wow. Your face.

01:00:23 Yeah. Weird, huh?

01:00:25 I don't think I've seen your face in the senior year.

01:00:27 I think I made a mistake.

01:00:29 I did it for you, you know, so you wouldn't get road rash during our scene,

01:00:31 but I should have asked first.

01:00:33 I look like a fucking beluga whale.

01:00:35 I think I'll be going now.

01:00:37 Okay.

01:00:41 Ugh.

01:00:47 All I keep thinking is we should have done

01:00:49 a trial run at home last week or something.

01:00:51 Oh, my God. Right?

01:00:53 I know, huh?

01:00:55 You're still cool to do it, though, right?

01:00:57 Yeah. I'm totally.

01:00:59 Are you?

01:01:01 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:01:03 You know, I'm, uh, honestly, I'm a little nervous, I guess.

01:01:05 You are.

01:01:07 It's kind of a big deal.

01:01:09 It is?

01:01:11 Yeah. You know, it's our first time together

01:01:13 since our

01:01:15 auspicious debut

01:01:17 on viral video.

01:01:19 Yeah.

01:01:21 That's a fuckload of pressure for a director.

01:01:23 Ugh. As a director, please.

01:01:25 What about the anxiety I'm feeling as an actress?

01:01:27 That I picked the right project.

01:01:29 Yeah, right. What about this follow-up here?

01:01:31 I mean, Julia Roberts followed Pretty Woman with Sleeping With the Enemy.

01:01:33 You know, I'm following Granny Panties

01:01:35 with Swallow My Cock-a-cino.

01:01:37 True. The only difference is this movie's about

01:01:39 cock-sucking and her movie just sucked cock, period.

01:01:41 The only difference.

01:01:43 The end was pretty rad.

01:01:45 I like that.

01:01:47 She kills him.

01:01:51 She's a gun.

01:01:53 She calls the cops first.

01:01:55 Yeah, it was so awesome.

01:01:57 So I guess we should do this.

01:02:01 I think we should probably wait

01:02:03 just until I lose another

01:02:05 20 or 30 pounds.

01:02:07 Stop it. You look good.

01:02:09 Thanks.

01:02:11 So, what about me?

01:02:15 How do I look?

01:02:17 I mean, you look beautiful.

01:02:19 You always look so beautiful, so

01:02:21 I guess it's not a big deal,

01:02:23 but you look amazing.

01:02:25 Okay, let's

01:02:35 go make a movie now.

01:02:37 Okay.

01:02:39 Swallow My Cock-a-cino,

01:02:41 scene eight, take one.

01:02:43 All right, settle.

01:02:47 Action.

01:02:49 Who could it be?

01:02:53 Hi.

01:03:03 I'm a delivery man,

01:03:05 and I have some cream for you.

01:03:07 Wow, that cream looks heavy.

01:03:09 You must be strong.

01:03:11 I work out.

01:03:13 So, do you want me to give you

01:03:15 the cream now?

01:03:17 I've been waiting for it all day.

01:03:19 Fuck. Oops.

01:03:23 I spilled my cream.

01:03:25 Do you mind?

01:03:27 I don't mind,

01:03:29 especially if you spill it

01:03:31 on my face.

01:03:33 Let us

01:03:35 fuck.

01:03:37 [clicks tongue]

01:03:39 Okay.

01:03:45 Let me see them titties.

01:03:47 Actually, you know what?

01:03:49 Sorry, I don't think we should

01:03:51 show them. What?

01:03:53 We shouldn't show your breasts.

01:03:55 Are you gonna take your shirt off?

01:03:57 I'm just gonna open it, actually.

01:03:59 You're not gonna take it off? No.

01:04:01 Why not? 'Cause my tits are bigger than yours,

01:04:03 for fuck's sake. It'll look weird.

01:04:05 Okay, I'll do your pants.

01:04:07 Okay.

01:04:09 Where's that delivery?

01:04:11 I can't believe this.

01:04:13 I was delivering cream, and look what's happening.

01:04:15 Jesus, what is that?

01:04:17 A rumba?

01:04:19 What's a rumba?

01:04:21 That awkward movement.

01:04:23 Should I take your pants off?

01:04:25 Yeah, take them off.

01:04:27 They're just, like...

01:04:33 I'll do mine.

01:04:35 Granny panties.

01:04:47 I'm gonna

01:04:53 fuck you with my pecker.

01:04:55 That's really dirty.

01:04:57 That's too dirty? That offends me.

01:04:59 Penis? Fine.

01:05:01 I'm gonna fuck you with my penis.

01:05:03 I can't wait. For my penis.

01:05:05 Be careful, Mary.

01:05:07 Okay, there we go.

01:05:09 Keep rolling.

01:05:11 Fucking cream is coming.

01:05:13 This is the worst porno I've ever seen.

01:05:19 Get over here, delivery man.

01:05:23 Let's fuck on these beans.

01:05:25 Okay, okay.

01:05:29 Okay.

01:05:31 Just leave him.

01:05:33 I think you should just leave him.

01:05:35 You're gonna get your coat.

01:05:37 Okay, okay.

01:05:39 It's okay?

01:05:41 Okay.

01:05:43 Okay.

01:05:45 Okay.

01:05:47 Start kissing

01:05:49 on three, okay?

01:05:51 One, two, three, go.

01:05:53 I'll wrap you up

01:05:55 We can't love or cry

01:05:57 Yeah, I'm in love

01:06:03 I'll take you up again

01:06:05 I'll fall to you

01:06:13 In a church by the sea

01:06:15 Ready?

01:06:19 I'm ready.

01:06:21 I'm listening.

01:06:23 Dig it.

01:06:35 Dig it.

01:06:37 What?

01:06:39 Did you see Lost this week, man? I missed it.

01:06:41 What happened?

01:06:43 They're on the island or off the island. Who could follow that shit?

01:06:45 I think they're in hell.

01:06:47 Would y'all shut the motherfucker up?

01:06:49 I'm sorry.

01:06:51 We're gonna come.

01:07:05 You should come with me.

01:07:07 I'm ready.

01:07:09 I'm here.

01:07:11 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:13 I'll fall to you

01:07:15 It's a river of sin

01:07:19 I'm ready.

01:07:21 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:23 I'm ready.

01:07:25 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:27 I'm ready.

01:07:29 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:31 I'm ready.

01:07:33 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:35 I'm ready.

01:07:37 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:39 I'm ready.

01:07:41 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:43 I'm ready.

01:07:45 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:47 I'm ready.

01:07:49 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:51 I'm ready.

01:07:53 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:55 I'm ready.

01:07:57 I'm in the palm of your hand.

01:07:59 I'm ready.

01:08:01 I'm ready.

01:08:03 Wasn't just me though guys.

01:08:05 Give it up for my radiant co-star here, Miri.

01:08:07 [applause]

01:08:09 Um, show's over in here.

01:08:11 Let's move that onto the floor and start lighting the next scene.

01:08:13 Alright. Let's do it.

01:08:15 You look so beautiful.

01:08:17 Thanks.

01:08:19 I thought they were going to be fucking hard.

01:08:21 But it was pretty.

01:08:23 Thanks.

01:08:25 You good, Mir? You need anything?

01:08:27 I'm just going to take a minute, okay?

01:08:29 Okay.

01:08:31 I'll just be out there.

01:08:33 Yeah.

01:08:35 That was fun.

01:08:37 Yeah, fun.

01:08:39 [music]

01:08:41 [music]

01:08:43 [music]

01:08:45 [MUSIC]

01:08:55 [MUSIC]

01:09:05 [MUSIC]

01:09:15 >> Hey.

01:09:28 >> Hey.

01:09:29 >> You're on your way, right?

01:09:30 >> Yeah, just for tonight's scene.

01:09:31 I'm ready to go when you're ready.

01:09:33 >> Okay.

01:09:36 You know, before we go, I'm thinking that it's a good idea if we

01:09:43 talk about what happened last night.

01:09:47 >> Oh.

01:09:48 >> I mean, we don't have to, but I think-

01:09:50 >> Okay, yeah.

01:09:51 I kind of dropped the ball on that, I guess, huh?

01:09:53 >> No, no, it's-

01:09:55 >> To be honest, it was-

01:09:58 I didn't realize how weird it would be for me.

01:10:00 >> Weird? Like, weird how?

01:10:03 >> Acting and directing at the same time.

01:10:06 It's a lot to process.

01:10:07 For the first time, I thought my balls didn't have enough hair on them.

01:10:11 >> That's not what I meant.

01:10:14 >> I know what you meant.

01:10:17 >> How are you feeling about it?

01:10:19 >> I guess I feel like we-

01:10:28 >> Holy fuck.

01:10:30 >> The power's on!

01:10:31 >> How the fuck did this happen?

01:10:32 >> Did you get a side juice?

01:10:33 >> I burned the bills.

01:10:34 How could we have done that?

01:10:35 The water!

01:10:38 >> Come on, come on.

01:10:40 Yeah!

01:10:42 We can shower and go on home again.

01:10:44 >> We are liquid!

01:10:45 >> Woo!

01:10:51 >> Greetings!

01:10:52 Have you heard the good news about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

01:10:55 >> Oh, my God.

01:10:56 Did you guys do this?

01:10:57 >> We got tired of you guys taking showers at our places all the time.

01:11:00 >> So we took up a collection amongst ourselves.

01:11:02 >> And shipped away at your mountain of debt.

01:11:04 >> You guys paid off our massive utilities bills.

01:11:06 How did you afford that?

01:11:08 >> I stole my old lady's bingo winnings.

01:11:10 >> And Mistress Bubbles did a bachelor party tonight at which yours truly was a guest star.

01:11:14 Thank you very much.

01:11:17 Well, don't get too excited because we didn't pay off your whole bill.

01:11:19 Just a month of each.

01:11:21 >> And they agreed to turn everything back on?

01:11:23 >> Yeah, nine at night?

01:11:24 How does that work?

01:11:25 >> Stacy knows somebody that works at Power and Light.

01:11:27 >> You guys --

01:11:29 >> This is amazing.

01:11:30 >> You didn't have to do this.

01:11:31 >> And you guys didn't have to put us in your movie either.

01:11:34 >> Or let us shoot it.

01:11:35 >> Or produce it.

01:11:36 >> Or put us in your movie either.

01:11:37 >> We said that already.

01:11:38 >> Guys, honestly, I don't know what to say.

01:11:41 >> Well, you can start by saying we could take tonight off so we could have our wrap party right now.

01:11:45 >> Guys, we're not wrapped, though.

01:11:47 We still have four days of shooting left.

01:11:48 >> Dude.

01:11:49 >> Excuse me.

01:11:50 In my producerial capacity, I'm shutting the movie down for the night.

01:11:54 So we can get a little silly.

01:11:56 [ Music ]

01:12:00 [ Music ]

01:12:19 [ Music ]

01:12:29 [ Music ]

01:12:39 >> Go, go, go!

01:12:40 >> Yeah!

01:12:42 [ Laughter ]

01:12:44 >> You all drink.

01:12:46 >> Was it just amazing with him after all those years of not knowing?

01:12:49 >> It was weird.

01:12:52 But good.

01:12:54 >> My scene with Zacks tomorrow.

01:12:56 >> You don't say.

01:12:57 >> But I'm a little nervous.

01:13:00 I was thinking about trying to get with him tonight.

01:13:02 >> Really?

01:13:04 >> I mean, if you don't mind, you guys are just friends and all, so I didn't think it would be a biggie.

01:13:08 It wouldn't be a biggie, would it?

01:13:10 >> No.

01:13:12 No, no.

01:13:13 It's not a biggie.

01:13:16 >> Are you sure?

01:13:17 >> Yeah.

01:13:18 I'm not married to the guy.

01:13:20 >> I don't know.

01:13:21 You guys just looked kind of intimate last night.

01:13:25 >> We did?

01:13:26 >> Yeah.

01:13:27 [ Music ]

01:13:32 >> Well, we're just better actors than I thought, I think.

01:13:37 So you know what?

01:13:38 If you want to get with him, you should just go ask him.

01:13:41 He'd be really excited to hear that.

01:13:43 >> Yeah?

01:13:44 >> Yeah.

01:13:45 >> For real?

01:13:46 You don't mind?

01:13:47 >> Yeah.

01:13:48 >> Cool.

01:13:49 [ Music ]

01:13:53 >> All the quarters are on the ground.

01:13:56 >> You win.

01:13:57 >> You win.

01:13:58 [ Music ]

01:14:05 >> Come on.

01:14:06 Are you guys playing or what?

01:14:08 [ Music ]

01:14:18 [ Music ]

01:14:24 [ Music ]

01:14:29 [ Music ]

01:14:34 [ Music ]

01:14:39 [ Music ]

01:14:44 [ Music ]

01:14:49 [ Music ]

01:14:54 [ Music ]

01:14:59 [ Music ]

01:15:04 [ Music ]

01:15:09 [ Music ]

01:15:14 [ Music ]

01:15:19 [ Music ]

01:15:24 [ Music ]

01:15:29 [ Music ]

01:15:34 [ Music ]

01:15:39 [ Music ]

01:15:44 [ Music ]

01:15:49 >> Well, I'm bummed, but I totally get it.

01:15:52 And it's no problem to work with Lester again.

01:15:54 He has a nice cock.

01:15:55 >> Oh, well, you're a trooper, Stace.

01:15:57 >> Oh, but if I start making weird faces or anything during the scene,

01:16:01 it's just because I've been constipated all day.

01:16:03 >> Oh, shit.

01:16:05 We don't have to shoot the scene tonight.

01:16:07 >> No, I want to.

01:16:08 I'm not constipated.

01:16:09 It totally loosens yet.

01:16:12 >> I use Ex-lax, but good to know.

01:16:15 Okay.

01:16:16 I never thought I would have that conversation.

01:16:19 >> So are we starting with Lester and Stacey tonight

01:16:21 because we were supposed to start with Lester and Mary?

01:16:23 >> Oh, yeah, no, she -- we're not going to do that anymore.

01:16:25 I don't think Mary's going to want to --

01:16:34 >> Hey.

01:16:36 So where are we shooting this?

01:16:37 Over here?

01:16:39 >> What are you doing here?

01:16:41 >> Me and Lester.

01:16:43 Our scene's tonight, right?

01:16:47 >> Can I talk to you for a minute in the back?

01:16:50 >> Sure.

01:16:52 >> Thanks.

01:16:55 >> What do you want me to shoot here, Zach?

01:16:57 >> Just start with the close-ups of Lester and Stace.

01:16:59 Give me a second, man.

01:17:01 >> What an artist.

01:17:04 >> Okay.

01:17:05 Did I do something wrong to you?

01:17:07 >> No.

01:17:09 >> Then why are you here?

01:17:11 >> I'm here for the same reason you're here, to make the movie.

01:17:14 >> Okay.

01:17:16 Just like for your own personal information,

01:17:19 you're acting really fucking weird right now.

01:17:21 >> I'm acting weird because I think you're acting fucking weird right now.

01:17:24 >> Oh, I'm acting -- how exactly am I acting weird?

01:17:26 >> Well, for one thing, you've been trying to keep me from fucking anything.

01:17:29 Well, for one thing, you've been trying to keep me from fucking anybody but you

01:17:31 since we started this thing.

01:17:34 >> Maybe I was thinking about your feelings.

01:17:37 >> Were you thinking of my feelings last night when you were banging Stacey?

01:17:40 Because I'd be really sad for Stacey.

01:17:43 >> She told me that you told her that that was okay.

01:17:46 >> I told her that it was okay to ask you.

01:17:53 >> Holy shit.

01:17:55 I get it.

01:17:56 I fucking get it.

01:17:57 It was a test.

01:17:58 That whole thing was a fucking test.

01:17:59 Is that it?

01:18:01 >> If it was, how do you think you did?

01:18:04 >> We had a discussion, Mir.

01:18:05 We had -- actually, we had many discussions about how it was just sex

01:18:12 and how we wouldn't let it get weird.

01:18:14 >> And I'm not acting weird.

01:18:15 >> No, you're acting like a jealous fucking girlfriend is what the fuck you're acting like.

01:18:19 >> I am not your girlfriend.

01:18:20 >> Oh, I know that.

01:18:21 >> And you're not my boyfriend.

01:18:22 So why the fuck are we having this conversation right now?

01:18:25 >> Because you're about to fuck Lester to spite me, it seems like.

01:18:29 >> Did you fuck Stacey to spite me?

01:18:31 No.

01:18:32 You fucked her just like you fucked every other stupid bitch and never gave a shit how I felt about it.

01:18:37 >> That was before.

01:18:38 >> Before what?

01:18:39 >> Don't fucking pretend that the other night you and me right there, that that didn't mean anything to you,

01:18:45 that you didn't feel it too.

01:18:47 >> Oh, you're not getting all gooey on me here, are you, Zach?

01:18:52 >> You know what?

01:18:54 If you were any other bitch I didn't give a rat's ass about,

01:18:57 I would tell you to go fuck yourself right now because I fucking hate this game-playing shit.

01:19:03 But you, you mean more to me than that.

01:19:05 So I'm just going to lay this out on front street.

01:19:07 I know you felt something big, something real the other night when we were together because I felt it too.

01:19:14 We tried to fuck and instead we wound up making love.

01:19:18 So if this is what you need to hear in order to keep you from fucking Lester, if this is what you need, then fine.

01:19:24 Here it is.

01:19:25 I'm going to say it.

01:19:28 I love you, Mary.

01:19:34 Happy?

01:19:36 >> Oh, Jesus.

01:19:38 You better get a hold of yourself, Zach, because we just fucked.

01:19:43 >> Okay.

01:19:51 What if I didn't fuck Stacy?

01:19:54 >> But you did.

01:19:56 >> You know what?

01:19:58 I'll fucking do it.

01:20:07 All right, guys, don't forget I'm down here.

01:20:09 Watch that pull out, huh?

01:20:11 >> Yeah.

01:20:13 >> This is some damn good coffee.

01:20:16 >> Hey, man, where are you going?

01:20:18 >> Get the fuck out of here.

01:20:19 >> We got to finish this movie.

01:20:21 >> Oh!

01:20:27 >> Yo!

01:20:32 >> You believe this shit?

01:20:34 >> Do you believe this shit?

01:20:36 >> What the fuck just happened in there?

01:20:38 >> I'll tell you what just happened in there.

01:20:40 It like frosted me like it was a fucking cake!

01:21:01 >> I'm going to get a picture of me right now.

01:21:21 I'm hunting humans.

01:21:23 >> Check it out.

01:21:25 >> Seriously, let's shoot the shit out of this bitch.

01:21:28 >> Where are you aiming at?

01:21:31 >> Cock shots?

01:21:32 >> Cock shots.

01:21:46 >> We shot you in the balls, cunt nugget.

01:21:49 >> Well, it's my job to get shot in the balls, so -- oh, there it

01:21:52 goes.

01:21:53 Excuse me.

01:21:54 Didn't you used to work at the beaner going to Moroville?

01:21:56 I sure as shit hope this pays better, I tell you.

01:22:03 >> So why don't they just shoot you with a puck?

01:22:06 >> What do you mean?

01:22:07 >> I mean, what does paintball got to do with hockey?

01:22:11 >> Nothing, I guess.

01:22:13 >> So, no prizes?

01:22:15 >> No, no.

01:22:16 >> So what are they paying $5 for?

01:22:18 >> To shoot a broad street bully in the balls.

01:22:22 >> Oh, shit.

01:22:23 >> To shoot a broad street bully in the balls.

01:22:27 >> White people are fucked up.

01:22:30 >> Yep, they sure are.

01:22:32 >> It's a living, though.

01:22:33 Oh, you've been getting the checks I've been sending you?

01:22:35 >> Yes, thank you very much.

01:22:36 Appreciate that.

01:22:37 >> Good, good, yeah.

01:22:38 Probably didn't save you from a brutal tongue lashing, though,

01:22:41 huh?

01:22:42 >> Well, you know, the wife never found out about the camera

01:22:45 because I paid off the bills.

01:22:47 >> How'd you manage that?

01:22:49 >> Because now I'm Oprah rich.

01:22:52 >> No way.

01:22:53 The post office fucking settled?

01:22:55 >> 160 large.

01:22:56 >> Nice, man.

01:22:58 Congratulations.

01:22:59 >> It's a beautiful day, thank you very much.

01:23:01 >> I thought you made that whole thing up.

01:23:03 >> No, no, no, it's very real.

01:23:04 You can believe it.

01:23:06 No, she's spinning all over.

01:23:14 Well, since you ain't going to ask me, I'll just go ahead and

01:23:17 tell you, no, I have not seen Mary.

01:23:19 >> I wasn't going to ask that.

01:23:21 >> Oh, I suppose you weren't going to ask about your movie

01:23:23 neither.

01:23:24 Look here, that's why I came down here, because I need you to

01:23:26 come take a look at it.

01:23:27 >> I'm not interested, man.

01:23:29 >> Well, you better get interested, because you still owe

01:23:31 me money.

01:23:32 >> What's wrong with the movie?

01:23:34 >> The story doesn't make sense.

01:23:36 >> The story?

01:23:38 >> The story doesn't make sense.

01:23:40 >> It's a fucking porno movie, man, what story?

01:23:42 >> It's a movie, dog, and the movie's got to have an ending,

01:23:45 which we don't have at the moment.

01:23:47 Cum shot, credits.

01:23:49 >> There's your fucking ending.

01:23:51 >> Do me this favor, okay, when you're done getting your nuts

01:23:54 blown off, come back to humble Monroeville to my crib for a

01:23:58 couple hours, check out the flick, you tell me what's

01:24:02 missing.

01:24:04 >> No.

01:24:05 >> I'll tell you what, you do that, you don't owe me shit no

01:24:08 more.

01:24:09 >> Really?

01:24:10 >> Really.

01:24:11 >> Is your wife home?

01:24:13 >> Yes.

01:24:14 >> Maybe I should leave the pads on, huh?

01:24:17 >> Got some extra ones?

01:24:20 >> Hey, honey.

01:24:22 >> Where the fuck you been and who in the fuck is this now?

01:24:26 >> Would you calm down, woman, God damn.

01:24:28 >> You already left one white boy down in my basement while you

01:24:31 off gallivanting and shit, what if this motherfucker was all

01:24:34 grabby on me?

01:24:35 >> Ain't nobody want to grab on you.

01:24:37 >> I'm not grabbing on you.

01:24:39 >> I'm not grabbing on you.

01:24:41 >> I'm not grabbing on you.

01:24:43 >> I'm not grabbing on you.

01:24:45 >> Ain't nobody want to grab on you.

01:24:47 >> What in the fuck is that supposed to mean?

01:24:50 >> Ain't nobody want to grab on you.

01:24:52 >> White boys love me.

01:24:54 >> White boy.

01:24:55 I said white boy.

01:24:57 >> Yeah.

01:24:58 >> You'd fuck me, wouldn't you?

01:25:00 >> Should I say yes?

01:25:02 >> Yeah.

01:25:06 >> Why don't you head downstairs.

01:25:10 >> Okay.

01:25:11 >> Through this hallway.

01:25:12 >> Nice to meet you.

01:25:13 >> You too.

01:25:16 >> What the fuck are you looking at?

01:25:18 >> Why you got to be up in here yelling me in front of my

01:25:20 director?

01:25:21 >> Oh, he a director?

01:25:22 >> Yeah.

01:25:23 >> Oh, I didn't know that shit, he a director.

01:25:25 Okay, well, why don't he direct my ass to a new motherfucking

01:25:27 husband, how about that shit?

01:25:29 >> You want him to keep on talking that shit, maybe he will.

01:25:31 >> Oh, don't nobody want them saggy-ass balls.

01:25:34 >> Saggy balls, look at these sagging-ass titties you got

01:25:36 rolling around here.

01:25:37 >> Well, that's motherfucker, we match.

01:25:39 >> Oh, shit.

01:25:44 Where's my paintball gun at?

01:25:47 >> Look at you, editor and DP, you got your shit covered, man.

01:25:50 >> Please, don't ever say shit covered to me again.

01:25:53 >> Roll the film for the man, please, so we can see what he

01:25:58 thinks.

01:25:59 >> I just jumped through it, though, I ain't got all night,

01:26:01 bitches on me.

01:26:03 >> Nigga Rich Productions, classy.

01:26:06 >> Yeah, DreamWorks was taken.

01:26:09 >> Was it?

01:26:10 >> Plus, it sounds like an underground gay fuck club.

01:26:12 >> I met a guy at DreamWorks.

01:26:14 >> All right, so we got Lester and Stacy fucking, then we got

01:26:19 Barry and Bubbles fucking, and then this boring bullshit.

01:26:29 >> Okay, just go to the next scene, would you?

01:26:34 >> What next scene?

01:26:36 >> The one with Mary and Lester?

01:26:38 >> We never shot it.

01:26:40 >> Why not?

01:26:42 >> Because after you left that night, Mary came out of the

01:26:45 back room and said she couldn't do it.

01:26:47 We wrapped after that.

01:26:48 >> Wrapped?

01:26:50 So, wait, so Mary never fucked nobody?

01:26:55 Just you?

01:26:57 Well, I wonder why she did that.

01:27:02 >> Hmm.

01:27:04 >> You see, there was a time when I was just a bitter old

01:27:07 fuck making coffees, and Stacy was just a lap dancer, and

01:27:13 Barry and Bubbles didn't know each other, and this fool here,

01:27:16 hell, I don't even know what he was.

01:27:18 >> A white supremacist?

01:27:20 >> Man, fuck you.

01:27:21 Then two people come along and showed us something we didn't

01:27:24 know existed, a world of possibilities where plain old

01:27:29 people just like us could do something special, even if it's

01:27:35 something as simple as filming people fucking.

01:27:49 Sometimes we just need someone to show us something we can't

01:27:54 see for ourselves, and then we'll change forever.

01:28:13 So as you can see, our movie ain't got no ending.

01:28:18 Every movie needs an ending, don't it?

01:28:25 Peace.

01:28:28 >> Delaney, you're a slick Cupid motherfucker.

01:28:32 >> Ain't love grand?

01:28:34 >> Why the fuck does this white boy want to do my goddamn

01:28:37 house?

01:28:38 >> Sometimes.

01:28:40 >> ♪ 'Cause we, we're all the same, oh ♪

01:28:53 >> Mary!

01:28:56 Mary!

01:28:57 >> Zack?

01:28:59 >> Mary!

01:29:00 >> No, get off!

01:29:01 >> Close the door for once, please.

01:29:02 >> It was closed.

01:29:03 >> It was closed over.

01:29:04 >> Just close the fucking door, Zack.

01:29:06 >> I never slept with Stacy that night, okay?

01:29:09 I swear to God, when we got into my room, you know what we

01:29:12 did?

01:29:13 We talked about you and us and how things were different and

01:29:18 how I was too much of a fucking pussy to just tell you how I

01:29:22 felt about you.

01:29:24 And I know, I know that that's only because of all the stupid

01:29:28 shit we said about how we wouldn't let sex change us, but

01:29:32 it did.

01:29:33 It changed me.

01:29:35 >> That has to be love, right?

01:29:38 >> It has to be love, and just so you know, I can't go back to

01:29:42 being just friends anymore because I just can't.

01:29:48 And I think, I think that you feel the same way because that

01:29:54 night after I left, you didn't fuck Lester.

01:30:02 >> What's up, Zack?

01:30:14 You know what?

01:30:15 I don't care that you're fucking Lester, okay?

01:30:17 How's that?

01:30:18 Because I don't want to be with anyone but you, so I will wait

01:30:22 forever for you, okay?

01:30:24 I will wait the rest of my life because I love you and I have

01:30:28 for as long as I can remember.

01:30:30 And I would rather die than be without you, Miriam Linkey.

01:30:33 >> Miriam's last name is Linkey?

01:30:35 >> You're going to fuck a guy who doesn't know your last name?

01:30:38 Or that you beat up Carl Roth in the sixth grade, I know that.

01:30:41 Or what your senior prom dress would have looked like had we

01:30:44 gone, but we decided not to and we got drunk alone instead.

01:30:48 Or that you washed your hair in the toilet.

01:30:50 >> We're not fucking Zack.

01:30:51 >> Or that you're not fucking Zack.

01:30:53 What?

01:30:54 >> Yeah, I mean, I asked her to fuck me, but she wouldn't do

01:30:56 it.

01:30:57 Then I even tried to talk her into giving me the fucking

01:30:59 money.

01:31:00 Shot me down on that, too.

01:31:02 >> And the Dutch rudder is?

01:31:04 >> You don't know what a Dutch rudder is?

01:31:06 All right, look, you grab your dick and then you have someone

01:31:08 else work your arm.

01:31:09 Let me show you.

01:31:11 I grab my arm, I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm,

01:31:14 now work it, work my arm.

01:31:16 See that shit?

01:31:17 Work it up and down.

01:31:18 See, it's like someone else is jerking you off.

01:31:21 Then, of course, is the double Dutch rudder, which I grab my

01:31:24 dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, I work your arm.

01:31:27 Same time.

01:31:28 It's like jerking off together, but not gay.

01:31:30 We're not touching dicks.

01:31:32 Each other's dicks, anyway.

01:31:33 I'm touching my own dick.

01:31:34 You're working it, and I'm loving it.

01:31:36 It feels good, sir.

01:31:37 It's driving me.

01:31:38 Come on.

01:31:39 >> Sorry to change the subject on you, Lester, but if you're not

01:31:43 fucking Miri, why is your dick out right now?

01:31:48 >> Because I live here now, and I like to be naked.

01:31:51 >> Huh?

01:31:52 >> When you moved out, you couldn't afford to pay a rent

01:31:54 by yourself, so I moved in to help.

01:31:57 >> But you just came in her room.

01:31:59 >> That's my room now.

01:32:00 She moved in your old room.

01:32:02 >> Wait, she changed rooms?

01:32:04 >> Yeah, she said she did it because she missed the smell of

01:32:06 you or some shit.

01:32:10 I don't smell anything.

01:32:12 You know what?

01:32:13 That probably means she loves you.

01:32:17 Night, Jack.

01:32:19 >> Night.

01:32:24 >> Do you?

01:32:28 Why are you crying?

01:32:30 >> Because I missed you so much.

01:32:36 I love you.

01:32:42 I love you, I love you.

01:32:43 >> I love you.

01:32:44 I don't mean to alarm you, but I think I just jerked off Lester

01:32:47 a little bit.

01:32:49 >> The Dutch rudder?

01:32:50 >> Yeah, it's genius, right?

01:32:52 >> If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch rudder you the rest of

01:32:54 our lives.

01:32:55 >> Good.

01:32:57 I'm getting tired of fucking a flashlight.

01:32:59 >> You fucked it?

01:33:00 >> Yeah.

01:33:01 >> What did it feel like?

01:33:02 >> It feels like fucking a flashlight.

01:33:04 Oh, God.

01:33:05 That's gross.

01:33:09 Let us fuck.

01:33:11 >> I love you.

01:33:21 Me and my friends, straightenin' out my life.

01:33:25 And ooh, I love you.

01:33:34 [MUSIC PLAYING]

01:33:41 [MUSIC PLAYING]

01:34:05 Not a word from your lips.

01:34:08 You just took for granted that I'd want to skin it, dear.

01:34:13 A quick hit, that's your game.

01:34:16 Tell another piece of me.

01:34:18 Stimulate my brain.

01:34:21 Not to shun.

01:34:23 So are we.

01:34:24 Let's get to know each other better, slow and easily.

01:34:29 Take my hand.

01:34:30 Let's hit the floor.

01:34:32 Shake your body to the music.

01:34:34 Maybe then you'll score.

01:34:36 So come on, baby, won't you show some swag?

01:34:40 Why you wanna move so fast?

01:34:43 We don't have to take our clothes off.

01:34:47 No, no, no.

01:34:48 Have a good time.

01:34:50 Oh, no.

01:34:51 We could dance and party all night.

01:34:55 [MUSIC PLAYING]

01:35:16 Just slow down.

01:35:17 If you want me, a man wants to be approached cool

01:35:21 and romantically.

01:35:23 I've got needs just like you.

01:35:27 Give me conversations, good vibrations,

01:35:29 through and through.

01:35:31 So come on, baby, won't you show some swag?

01:35:35 Why you wanna move so fast?

01:35:38 We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time.

01:35:44 Oh, no.

01:35:46 We could dance and party all night.

01:35:50 And do some cherry shinin'.

01:35:52 Oh, oh.

01:35:54 Na, na, na, na, na, na.

01:35:56 Na, na.

01:35:58 Na, na, na, na, na, na.

01:36:00 Na, na.

01:36:02 Na, na, na, na, na, na.

01:36:04 [BEEP]

01:36:05 [MUSIC PLAYING]

01:36:11 Hello.

01:36:12 Welcome to Nigga Rich Productions, home of "Zack and

01:36:15 Mary Make Your Porno," the production house for the

01:36:18 couple looking to put a little spice in their sex life.

01:36:21 Shall we take a look around?

01:36:22 You're going to get me so far.

01:36:24 Oh, God.

01:36:25 First, you'll need for a consultation with one of our

01:36:28 bromanceologists, who will coach you through that initial

01:36:31 awkward stage before you're camera ready.

01:36:33 So we will start off with some erotic massage and some--

01:36:38 Dude.

01:36:40 --some light petting.

01:36:41 That sounds good.

01:36:43 Now, you guys sure you don't wanna do some butt sack work,

01:36:46 too?

01:36:47 Let's move on, shall we?

01:36:48 Why?

01:36:49 From their breakout hit, "Swallow My Coccacino," to the

01:36:52 multi-million selling "Swallow My Coccacino 2," and the

01:36:55 award winning "Star Horse" saga, including "Revenge of

01:36:58 the Shit," the all-anal final chapter, Zack and Mary have

01:37:01 proven time and again that they know how to shoot hot sex.

01:37:06 Well, as an actor, I've sometimes brought my work home

01:37:09 with me, shall we say, inappropriately.

01:37:12 When you're telling your real life lover in the bedroom to,

01:37:17 you know, bend over while you cake your hand in K-Y, it is

01:37:20 a sign that the romance is dead, I think.

01:37:22 And then we turn to the professionals at Zack and Mary

01:37:25 Make Your Porno.

01:37:26 Oh my god, they totally saved our civil union.

01:37:29 They filmed what was inside of us and not what was coming

01:37:33 out of us, necessarily.

01:37:35 It helped me see his asshole as not just a cum dumpster, but

01:37:43 a sign of his beauty, his flower.

01:37:46 It became a gorgeous orchid.

01:37:50 Orchids grow in sort of the filthiest conditions.

01:37:54 That's what his asshole became to me, this beautiful flower

01:37:59 amidst shit.

01:38:01 Honey, I think they get the metaphor.

01:38:02 I don't think they do.

01:38:03 Let's just say thank you to Zack and Mary.

01:38:06 It's helped us out.

01:38:07 It's helped our friends.

01:38:09 Enrique, Park?

01:38:11 Park?

01:38:13 Enrique?

01:38:15 Can we get a little love for Zack and Mary?

01:38:19 They don't even know what's going on.

01:38:21 They're so-- they're so pilled up.

01:38:24 But don't take his word for it.

01:38:25 Just ask our co-founders.

01:38:28 Hi, I'm Mary Linkey Brown.

01:38:30 And I'm Zack Linkey Brown.

01:38:31 And here at Zack and Mary Make Your Porno, we're dedicated

01:38:34 to committing your love--

01:38:36 Or lust.

01:38:37 --to high-end, quality production, digital video, a

01:38:40 forever keepsake of your passion.

01:38:42 That's right, Mary.

01:38:43 Why set up a camera at the end of your bed and settle for

01:38:46 one unflattering angle when you can let the professionals

01:38:49 dazzle and delight your senses with an array of shots so

01:38:53 masterfully rendered, you'll swear Martin Scorsese snuck

01:38:56 into your room and caught you fucking.

01:38:59 And remember, we're not just the presidents of Zack and

01:39:02 Mary Make Your Porno.

01:39:04 We're also clients.

01:39:07 [gunshots]

01:39:08 Call now to set up your appointment or find us on the

01:39:10 web at www.zackandmary.com.

01:39:15 [music]

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01:41:05 [music]

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01:41:15 [music]

01:41:20 [music]

01:41:25 Way to fuck, Zack.

01:41:30 [BLANK_AUDIO]

Transcript

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