Part 2 will go live for our Patrons on Friday - patreon.com/partsfunknown
It will public for everyone else two days later
Pulled right from the pages of the Too Sweet Valley High books, this month's CBW one-shot takes place in the most terrifying setting we've done yet...
HIGH SCHOOL
Grab your retainers, halls passes and permission slips. It's about to get *anxious*
SUBSCRIBE TO partsFUNknown: https://bit.ly/2J2Hl6q
TWITTER: https://twitter.com/partsfunknown
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/partsfunknown/
#partsfunknown #wrestling #roleplayinggame
It will public for everyone else two days later
Pulled right from the pages of the Too Sweet Valley High books, this month's CBW one-shot takes place in the most terrifying setting we've done yet...
HIGH SCHOOL
Grab your retainers, halls passes and permission slips. It's about to get *anxious*
SUBSCRIBE TO partsFUNknown: https://bit.ly/2J2Hl6q
TWITTER: https://twitter.com/partsfunknown
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/partsfunknown/
#partsfunknown #wrestling #roleplayinggame
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:00 Hello, I'm Adam Hailing from PartsFunknown and welcome to part one of this month's No
00:00:07 Rolls Barred One Shot.
00:00:09 We've decided to divide this month's One Shot into two parts because we thought it might
00:00:14 make an easier viewing watch for people.
00:00:16 Also, it gives our wonderful patrons twice the early access this month.
00:00:22 As ever, this game is based on Worldwide Wrestling, a system designed by Nathan D. Powlett.
00:00:28 Check out the link in the description for more details.
00:00:30 Without further ado, take us away, Tom.
00:00:33 Hello and welcome back to CBW, where the big boys are school boys.
00:00:40 My name is Tom, Head Master here at CBW, and these are our players.
00:00:50 Hello I'm Adam and I am playing Paul Monitor, a Hall Monitor, and I am the veteran.
00:00:56 My name's Lo, I'll be playing Rita Hexbook, and I'm the Iconoclast.
00:01:05 Hello darlings, my name's Laurie, I'm playing Amelia Dramica, and I am the Provocateur.
00:01:13 My name's Oli Davis, I'm playing Rick Thunder, the High Flyer.
00:01:20 What's up dudes, I'm LukeN, and I'm gonna be playing Usstrakker Bilton.
00:01:28 Right let's do a fight.
00:01:32 If conflict is the essence of drama, then drama is the essence of high school.
00:01:39 Shakespearean feuds erupt amidst the lockers as childhood friends become mortal enemies.
00:01:45 Leaks clash like warring tribes to strengthen their status and mark their territory.
00:01:51 And the tuna surprise is far from the darkest secret bubbling away in the cafeteria, ready
00:01:56 to overflow and flood the student body in a sea of discord and casserole.
00:02:02 Things run a little differently, however, here at Grapp Valley High.
00:02:07 There is a calm in the classrooms and corridors.
00:02:10 From first bell to last, all walks of school life stride side by side, safe from sharp
00:02:17 words and cruel intentions.
00:02:20 But by what means can such a mellow mood be maintained in the hot-blooded house of hormones
00:02:24 and hostility that is senior high?
00:02:27 Cast your eyes and ears below the oblivious footsteps of a clueless faculty to an abandoned
00:02:34 basement where scholastic scufflers settle their differences by beating the living schoolhouse
00:02:39 out of each other.
00:02:40 It's peace in the halls and war in the ring here at CBW.
00:02:46 Welcome to Classroom Brawler Wrestling.
00:02:50 [Cheering]
00:02:51 CBW!
00:02:52 CBW!
00:02:53 CBW!
00:02:54 CBW!
00:02:55 CBW!
00:02:56 CBW!
00:02:57 CBW!
00:02:58 CBW!
00:02:59 CBW!
00:03:00 Welcome everyone to Classroom Brawler Wrestling and welcome to another meeting of Quarrel Club.
00:03:06 Prepare yourselves as these extracurricular contenders clash inside and outside the ropes
00:03:13 in the name of peer pressure, popularity and pandemonium.
00:03:18 The school day starts as any other.
00:03:21 The sun is shining in the skies of Grapp Valley and students are bustling around the parking
00:03:27 lot outside the high school, eager to learn, eager to get to class, eager to go about the
00:03:34 business of being an adolescent.
00:03:36 One car however, begins a smooth and speedy pull into a parking spot that has not been
00:03:42 seen before this day on the pavements of Grapp Valley High.
00:03:48 It is a ghost grey 1984 Pontiac Trans Am and as it pulls into the last wide spot, it by
00:03:58 mere inches drifts out of the way of a group of gnarly looking bikers on heavy Harley Davidsons
00:04:04 wearing thick leather jackets, faces marked with scars and worse.
00:04:09 You hear a low grumble not just of the bikes engines but also from deep within these bikers
00:04:15 as the sweetest parking spot in school has been taken from them.
00:04:19 Olly, please can you tell us who emerges from this ghost grey automobile?
00:04:24 Opening, the door opens upwards like the Knight Rider car and he steps out and here is Rick
00:04:30 Thunder just having arrived from another dimensional time frame.
00:04:35 He looks around, Tamagotchis, Burbys, is that a blockbuster on campus?
00:04:42 I'm home, I've made it back home, Rick Thunder, in time.
00:04:48 And I run over to the first person I see, I'm like, did you watch Danger Zone on TV
00:04:53 last night?
00:04:54 I'm the star, Rick Thunder.
00:04:57 The first person you see is also running out to greet you, a very neatly dressed young
00:05:02 lady with cropped blonde hair, a little pin keeping it together just above the temple.
00:05:07 She's wearing a button up cardigan, very smart shoes.
00:05:12 She holds out a hand to yours as you run up to her.
00:05:15 Oh, so nice to meet you.
00:05:16 My name is Polly Tick.
00:05:18 I'm the head of the student body here, student body president, if you will.
00:05:22 I have not seen you around here.
00:05:24 You're definitely new in town.
00:05:25 She might not have seen me around here, but surely you've seen me on TV in the network
00:05:32 TV series that hit with all the 18 to 48 demographics.
00:05:36 It's Danger Zone.
00:05:39 Oh, it must be on some obscure cable channel.
00:05:44 I mean, I consider myself a fan of popular television.
00:05:48 I do like to keep it on in the background as I get on with my paperwork and I have never
00:05:52 heard of the show.
00:05:53 You say it was called Rick Thunder Danger Zone?
00:05:57 Rick Thunder is Danger Zone, correct.
00:06:00 Just give me a second.
00:06:02 Something doesn't feel right here.
00:06:04 I'm in the right time, but surely everyone would have seen the mega TV series hit Danger
00:06:09 Zone in which I starred.
00:06:12 So I go over to my car, Danger Zone, and I say, run the numbers.
00:06:17 Just do some stats.
00:06:18 It tells me I'm in the right time, but this is not my reality.
00:06:22 This is a different dimension.
00:06:24 And then the car boot pops open or the trunk and I go around the back.
00:06:30 Danger Zone is prepared for me because I have to find my way back home using the science
00:06:37 club and I've got to go deep undercover.
00:06:42 Oh God.
00:06:45 As 35 year old Rick Thunder.
00:06:49 Not this.
00:06:53 Let's maybe do his biggest challenge yet.
00:06:56 What's up fellow kids?
00:07:01 Portrait the school.
00:07:03 Oh my God.
00:07:06 Get back home.
00:07:09 Okay.
00:07:11 So Polly is watching you rush to your car, delve inside the front seat and pull these
00:07:18 things out of the boot.
00:07:20 Are you okay there, Rick?
00:07:23 You all right?
00:07:25 Let me show you around.
00:07:26 And she puts a thumb around your shoulder and just starts leading you through the parking
00:07:30 lot, up the steps and into the main lobby of the school.
00:07:34 Well, this is Graff Valley High.
00:07:36 We have the best academic record of any school in all of Graff Valley and the best sporting
00:07:42 record too.
00:07:43 It's pretty much unmatched as a building of education and extracurricular activity.
00:07:49 You can see here and she gestures towards the notice board.
00:07:51 We are only two days away from prom.
00:07:54 Everyone's very excited.
00:07:55 Make sure you get yourself a date.
00:07:57 Well, I think everyone's already taken.
00:08:00 Also we're just a day away from one of the biggest extracurricular events of the year,
00:08:05 the school play.
00:08:06 And she gestures towards a whole row of posters for Macbeth and you see on the poster a prom
00:08:12 king and prom queen.
00:08:14 Prom king is sort of lantern-jawed but sort of very delicately featured.
00:08:19 And the prom queen has long red hair and is staring at bloody hands.
00:08:25 There are a whole bunch of these posters, but you also see that some of them have been
00:08:28 torn down in places.
00:08:30 And over the top of some, crudely stuck on with Blu-Tack and a staple gun, other posters
00:08:35 for Swan Lake, courtesy of the Graff Valley High Dance Club.
00:08:39 Yeah, there seems to be a bit of contention there about who was going to headline the
00:08:43 end of year showcase, but I have more important things to worry about.
00:08:47 Come, so tell me, what do you do?
00:08:50 What's your, what's your thing?
00:08:53 I am a, I'm a high school student who's just here to join the science club, but I must
00:09:00 say I would love to go to the prom.
00:09:02 I remember my first prom.
00:09:03 I mean, I love dances and I would love to come along.
00:09:07 By the way, the car is following me through the school hall.
00:09:12 Danger Zone is just tracking me in my wake.
00:09:16 Make a look roll to see how subtle Danger Zone is able to do that.
00:09:21 With my look, that is nine.
00:09:23 That's nine.
00:09:24 Yeah.
00:09:25 It's, it's so close to prom.
00:09:27 It's so close to the end of the year that the students are so wrapped up in their own
00:09:31 business.
00:09:32 I mean, you notice a 1984 Pontiac Trans Am just very slowly trundling through the corridors.
00:09:38 Of course, of course you're a, of course you're a high school student.
00:09:44 You're in a high school and you're wearing a beanie, but what's your, what's your clique?
00:09:47 What's your club?
00:09:48 What do you?
00:09:49 Well, I think I should, you know, I love, love the quarterbacking for the football.
00:09:54 You have nice broad shoulders, she says and taps you on them.
00:09:57 Thank you.
00:09:58 But I really need to get to that science gang.
00:10:00 I love the science.
00:10:02 Well, I mean, school hasn't started yet and well, everyone knows where the nerds go before
00:10:12 school starts, right?
00:10:15 The library.
00:10:16 Oh no.
00:10:19 Somewhere a little deeper than the library.
00:10:22 Come on, come on you kid.
00:10:24 I'll show you.
00:10:25 And she gestures you down the hall around the corner and opens a slightly dirty and
00:10:32 disused looking door that leads to some steps, has danger zone, just trundles around the
00:10:37 corner and then starts as you descend those steps into the basement level, sort of shunts
00:10:42 awkwardly against the doorframe, not able to fit himself through because he's a car.
00:10:49 Okay.
00:10:51 We cut now down to the basement level, the sub abandoned sub basement level of a Grapp
00:10:59 Valley High where about maybe half the students in attendance at Grapp Valley Senior High
00:11:07 have gathered in a broad circle of chance and jeers and shaking fists to form a makeshift
00:11:15 fighting arena on a cold, dirty concrete floor.
00:11:20 There is a makeshift ramp cobbled together clearly by the kids from shop class that leads
00:11:25 up into a back area and the, an old edutron screen is hung from chains and zip ties above
00:11:32 the ramp.
00:11:33 The audience hush briefly as a tall figure makes his way down the ramp with a clunky
00:11:43 looking microphone in his hand.
00:11:46 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another meeting of Quarrel Club.
00:11:53 It's a big time of year here at Grapp Valley High.
00:11:58 Big things happen and big things end in, end in for some of us for good as we move on to
00:12:03 better or hopefully better things.
00:12:05 But contention still runs rife in the halls of Grapp Valley and contention is exactly
00:12:11 what we settle here down in classroom brawler wrestling.
00:12:15 The following contest is scheduled for one fall.
00:12:21 The winners call.
00:12:24 Thank you.
00:12:26 The winners will headland the end of year showcase before the prom tomorrow night, making
00:12:33 her way to the ring.
00:12:34 Galen from the heart of the nation itself, America's sweetheart, Amelia Duranica.
00:12:46 I would actually just like to apologize for what is about to happen.
00:12:48 I've been told that this is way too earnest.
00:12:49 So here we go.
00:12:52 Someone comes to the stage in a little tuxedo with their own little microphone and says,
00:12:56 ladies and gentlemen, you're about to be treated to a performance of Oh, Woe is Me from the
00:13:01 upcoming play Macbeth the Musical as her entrance.
00:13:05 It is Amelia Duranica.
00:13:06 And out comes Amelia into the spotlight and says,
00:13:11 Oh life, disease has spread to my whole self.
00:13:17 My arms, my legs, my hands, they reek of blood.
00:13:23 Oh life, be gone you spots.
00:13:25 Oh spots be gone.
00:13:26 Spots remain, the blood remains on me.
00:13:34 Out thou spot, out thou spotlight.
00:13:38 The spotlight goes out.
00:13:40 It pops back into life, shining down on her.
00:13:43 She's wearing a sparkly medieval gown.
00:13:47 Piano music begins to play and she sings a song on her way to the ring.
00:13:50 I am Lady Macbeth.
00:13:53 My head's in a mess 'cause what we done when we killed Duncan and we took his headdress.
00:13:58 Oh yes, Macbeth, he killed for a crown.
00:14:02 Now this is his town.
00:14:04 I'm his queen, can't get queen.
00:14:05 Prophecy says we're going down.
00:14:07 Oh double, double, some toil and some trouble.
00:14:12 But you witches, you bitches, you can't burst my bubble.
00:14:17 I'm Macbeth, Lady Macbeth.
00:14:20 You won't see my death.
00:14:22 Off the page, off the stage, that's one.
00:14:24 Now he's the only one left.
00:14:26 Yes he's Macbeth, the star of the show.
00:14:29 But I want you to know that being king ain't no thing when you're missing your bow.
00:14:39 Oh no, Macbeth.
00:14:42 She's in the ring.
00:14:46 Nerds.
00:14:47 Nerds.
00:14:49 Making her way to the ring, hailing from sweet ballet, Grapp Valley, the dance-a-la of the
00:14:57 step-checker, the girl with the dragon tutu, the maniac, Felicity, Flash, Vance.
00:15:08 All of a sudden, heavy drum machine and heavy synth burst into life from the old speakers
00:15:14 and a muscly-looking young woman in a single, in a black one-piece with heavy leg warmers
00:15:20 in her arms and her feet and like a thick mop of curly dark hair just starts running
00:15:24 down the ramp, stomping her feet in little tiny steps, arms pumping up and down.
00:15:28 She flings her head back, bends back almost 180 degrees so her head is looking back up
00:15:33 the ramp again and then flings herself back forward, continues to dance down, arms pumping,
00:15:37 feet tapping.
00:15:38 It briefly cuts to a pit bull terrier for a moment, then cuts back and she continues
00:15:41 to make her way down the ramp.
00:15:43 And then she stops in the middle of the ring right in front of you, flings her body back
00:15:48 again, flings herself forward, looks you in the eye, points at her eyeballs, points at
00:15:54 yours and then steps back and braces herself into a sort of half combat, half ballet kind
00:15:58 of position, sort of dipping in a sort of half plie on one leg.
00:16:03 Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.
00:16:07 This is so beneath me.
00:16:09 This is, it's just not my thing.
00:16:11 Understudy, ingenue.
00:16:12 And someone comes out wearing a red wig to take my place in the match.
00:16:18 Okay, make a look roll on that.
00:16:23 A wig you say?
00:16:24 Yes, not like me obviously.
00:16:27 I only rolled a five on that.
00:16:29 Oh dear.
00:16:30 Okay, so as soon as your understudy makes her way through the parting audience and onto
00:16:36 the ring, Felicity steps a couple of steps back, bends her knees and then basically goes
00:16:40 into one of her signature moves, the sock hop, which is a ballet jetta into a Superman
00:16:45 punch.
00:16:46 And immediately her fist connects with the side of the jaw.
00:16:48 Your understudy collapsed back into the audience again and you were left alone with Felicity
00:16:53 Flash.
00:16:54 What are you doing?
00:16:55 I am going to run in and I'm going to grab her leg.
00:16:59 And this is a move from Macbeth called the dragon screw your courage to the sticking
00:17:02 place and I'm going to try and flip her over.
00:17:04 Okay, that sounds like a work roll.
00:17:07 I'm not good at that either.
00:17:08 No, that's a three.
00:17:09 Amelia doesn't do the fighting darling.
00:17:15 As you grab her leg and try to flip her, she manoeuvres out of it and kind of almost cat
00:17:20 like crawls over your back, grabs your wrist and gets you into a signature wrist lock,
00:17:24 the twist and shout and just starts pushing and pushing and pushing as the pain shoots
00:17:28 up your arm.
00:17:29 Okay, so she's got my arm.
00:17:32 I'm going to try to call for a blackout.
00:17:36 I'm going to try and scorpion kick her in the back of the head.
00:17:39 Nice.
00:17:40 Okay, that's going to be a power roll I think.
00:17:42 Oh, that's much better.
00:17:44 That is a seven.
00:17:47 Yeah, your foot flicks back, cracks her in the back of the skull.
00:17:51 She lets go of your wrist, stumbles back onto the ground, turns around, rubs her head and
00:17:55 goes "Ah, I suppose turnabout is fair plie" and she makes another lunge for you into another
00:18:01 sock hop Superman punch.
00:18:02 What are you doing?
00:18:03 I'm going to just let it whiff.
00:18:05 I'm going to exit stage left and just attempt to get on the way darling.
00:18:10 That's going to be a work roll.
00:18:12 These new dice are rubbish.
00:18:16 Two.
00:18:17 Yeah, she leaps up, you try to move out of the way in an elegant way but you're not fast
00:18:21 enough.
00:18:22 The fist connects with your jaw, she says "You've got no dance, sucker.
00:18:25 No dance in hell" and then backs up again, giving you a little bit of space.
00:18:32 "I am the one whose spirits that tend on mortal thoughts unsex me here and fill me from crown
00:18:36 to top toe full of direst cruelty.
00:18:39 I am going to chop block her leg in an attempt to break it."
00:18:43 That is definitely a power roll.
00:18:46 That's not going well.
00:18:47 That is a four.
00:18:50 You go for the chop block into the leg, she's too swift, too nimble, she sort of zips out
00:18:55 of the way.
00:18:56 Your hand just very gently slides past the soft wool of her leg warmers, almost connecting
00:19:02 but not quite.
00:19:03 You're still on your feet at least at this point.
00:19:06 At this point she dances around you in a kind of springing motion, getting underneath you,
00:19:12 grabs an arm very firmly around your thigh and starts to sort of lift you back into the
00:19:17 break dance, which is basically a torture rack motion.
00:19:20 At this point she's trying to lift you off the ground.
00:19:22 What are you doing?
00:19:23 I think I'm going to let her lift me off the ground but I'm going to attempt to push as
00:19:27 well as she does to try and force too much motion through into a move that I call the
00:19:31 curtain call, which is like a Selina del Sol and to drag her down to the mat on the back
00:19:35 of her head.
00:19:36 Okay, so I think that feels like a workman manoeuvre again.
00:19:40 You're trying to get yourself out of a torture rack.
00:19:42 That is a seven.
00:19:44 Talk us through it.
00:19:45 Yeah, so she actually sort of tries to pick me up backwards into the torture rack.
00:19:49 Amelia just puts too much effort in and says, "My star power is too much for you, darling,"
00:19:55 and just flips over the top, grabs the head on the way down and just boom into the floor.
00:20:00 I am then going to immediately go to the turnbuckle and go for my finisher.
00:20:05 Think about Amelia.
00:20:06 She thinks she's the greatest because she's seen Wicked three times and that's why she
00:20:09 should be in the middle of the plays.
00:20:11 She's going to go for her finishing move, which she calls defying gravity and it is
00:20:14 a flashy shooting star press to get all eyes on her, darling.
00:20:19 Lovely.
00:20:20 In which case, that's a straight 2D6 roll.
00:20:24 You sort yourself out.
00:20:30 What?
00:20:31 Snows.
00:20:32 As you leap off the... the turnbuckle is basically a bunch of students, but as you leap off them
00:20:41 into the ring, Flash gets a moment of strength and starts to get to her feet.
00:20:48 How many dancers does it take to beat a bitch down?
00:20:51 Five, six, seven, eight, and then seven other dancers swarm down the ramp and spread around
00:20:57 her to the point that there are eight combatants in the ring with you, all cracking their knuckles
00:21:01 and launching into sort of plies and dips, backflips, cartwheels, acrobatic dancey stuff.
00:21:08 We're also on that snake eyes.
00:21:10 We're going to have to give you a penalty on your power, I think, simply because you
00:21:15 are massively outnumbered.
00:21:16 What are you doing?
00:21:19 I guess I'm going to attempt to call the rest of the drama society.
00:21:25 Okay, make a look roll.
00:21:27 To my aid.
00:21:29 Yeah, okay.
00:21:32 So that's 11.
00:21:33 I just say, "Drama society assemble, otherwise you'll all be cut from the play."
00:21:37 I can do this as a one-woman show, you know.
00:21:40 The second the word "cut" leaves your lips, just a swarm of actors in blind panic swarm
00:21:47 the stage, the audience from the ramp, something to drop down from the roster.
00:21:50 No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:21:51 And they just launch into combat with the dancers.
00:21:56 They're obviously all in costume as Macbeth soldiers from the play as well.
00:22:03 So yeah, fists swing, legs kick, dancers fall, actors fall.
00:22:07 And after a mini war on the mat, only two people are left standing once again, Amelia
00:22:14 and a battered and broken Flash whose troops were outnumbered by the superior number of
00:22:21 your desperate actors.
00:22:23 And one of her eyes is swollen, he spits out a tooth, looks you straight in the eye and
00:22:28 goes, "Bitch!"
00:22:29 I am going to quickly pick up one of the dropped props from the brawl that has happened.
00:22:34 It's a mace and I'm going to swing for her leg.
00:22:39 That's a real roll.
00:22:41 Thought it might be.
00:22:42 Frigging hell.
00:22:43 It's eight.
00:22:44 Talk us through that swing and I'll take it from when it connects.
00:22:52 So Amelia screeching the spotlight is all hers.
00:22:58 This is my spotlight.
00:23:00 Get out of it, darling.
00:23:03 Just takes this mace two handed into the side of the leg.
00:23:07 There is an almighty crunch as the mace connects with Flash's leg.
00:23:17 She growls this primal scream of pain and then bam, bam, bam, just taps the concrete
00:23:23 with her hand hard three times.
00:23:25 Fine, fine, fine.
00:23:30 You win.
00:23:31 You're winner, America's sweetheart, Amelia Dramica.
00:23:36 And the announcer holds your arm up in the air.
00:23:39 And scene.
00:23:43 This means your headlining end of year showcase performance will be the Drama Society's musical
00:23:50 performance of The Bard's Macbeth.
00:23:54 And the Drama Society whoop in joy and cheer and they swim around you and they lift you
00:23:57 up like a queen on the throne.
00:23:58 Thank you.
00:23:59 Thank you.
00:24:00 And carry you off by the back of the ring.
00:24:01 Got a bouquet from somewhere.
00:24:02 Thank you.
00:24:03 Thank you.
00:24:04 I brought it myself.
00:24:05 We are now cut above ground.
00:24:08 Classes have started in some places.
00:24:11 All is calm as always in the corridors of Grapp Valley High.
00:24:15 And part of the reason they're set calm is because of the stalwart efforts of one servant
00:24:19 of order.
00:24:20 Adam, can you please tell us who we see patrolling the halls?
00:24:24 We see Paul Monitor.
00:24:28 He's 16, but it is a hard 16.
00:24:34 He's seen things.
00:24:36 He's heard things.
00:24:37 He's cleaned up things.
00:24:39 What matters to him most is order out of chaos.
00:24:43 That's what he lives by.
00:24:45 And he is one day away from retirement.
00:24:49 Having just expelled a car from the halls, which is a new one for Paul Monitor, he's
00:24:58 patrolling the hallways ready to execute a beating on anyone who doesn't have their hall
00:25:02 pass.
00:25:03 And as you stick your chuppa-chup back in your mouth, you hear a sound which you should
00:25:08 not be hearing while classes are going on.
00:25:11 A sound of a human being making noise outside of a classroom.
00:25:17 Well I never.
00:25:19 Looks like it's time to execute some petty justice.
00:25:24 The sound is coming from where?
00:25:27 The sound is coming from down the hall.
00:25:31 I think you can make this out pretty clearly.
00:25:32 You know these halls very, very well.
00:25:33 The sound is coming from the men's bathroom.
00:25:38 The class has just begun as well, so I kick the door in and say, "Busted!"
00:25:45 As you kick the door in, you are...
00:25:47 Actually, give me a power roll right now.
00:25:50 My power is my...
00:25:53 Oh, a zero.
00:25:56 That is a eight.
00:25:58 Okay, you instantly smell this powerful waft of a very foul, noxious, let's be honest,
00:26:04 kind of fecal odor just shoots up your noses.
00:26:07 Shoots up your nose.
00:26:08 You've only got the one.
00:26:10 But you are made of strong enough stuff and you're able to just push down that urge to
00:26:14 vomit.
00:26:15 You hear a voice going, "Oh, bro.
00:26:18 Oh, bro, it's bad.
00:26:20 Oh, it's bad, bro."
00:26:22 [Groans]
00:26:24 It's coming from one of the cubicles.
00:26:26 Cool.
00:26:27 All right, so I take a card from my wallet.
00:26:36 It's kind of like one of those binder wallets.
00:26:38 I'm incredibly cool and I just kind of jimmy the lock open.
00:26:42 I'm incredibly practiced at breaking and entering and all matters of detective hall work.
00:26:49 Give me a quick look roll.
00:26:51 Very quick.
00:26:52 That is a 10.
00:26:53 Yeah, nice.
00:26:54 That'll do it.
00:26:55 The lock opens and you see a doubled over pants around his ankles, mouth stained with
00:27:01 vomit and well, thighs stained with something else.
00:27:03 The broad shouldered form of star quarterback Chad Hardler.
00:27:07 Bro, it's...
00:27:08 Oh, bro.
00:27:09 Oh, God, I've never been in so much pain.
00:27:12 Oh.
00:27:13 Well, well, well.
00:27:17 Chad, I'd always thought you'd face a violent expulsion, but this is not the violent expulsion
00:27:23 I thought you would face.
00:27:26 Let me see your hall pass.
00:27:28 Oh, bro, I don't have one.
00:27:33 I just, I had to go, bro.
00:27:36 I had to go.
00:27:40 This is a little concerning, obviously, because Paul Monitor has read all the files and all
00:27:46 the kids, and he knows that if anyone's got an iron constitution, it's Chad.
00:27:52 He is after all the star quarterback.
00:27:53 He needs to make sure he's in constant peak fitness and health.
00:27:57 So this is slightly disquieting to me.
00:27:59 So before I execute some hallway justice, I'm going to take a sandwich bag from my pocket.
00:28:08 I've already had my sandwiches.
00:28:10 Tuna mayo with a single slice of lettuce for texture.
00:28:14 And I am going to take a single chunk from, vomit, please, from the floor and place it
00:28:22 in a sandwich bag for analysis.
00:28:26 Make a look roll, because that's your gimmick.
00:28:31 Aye.
00:28:33 What happens now?
00:28:36 You definitely get some vomit in the bag, but you get some vomit in other places as
00:28:41 well.
00:28:42 And it's just there's so much slippery material in this entire cubicle.
00:28:46 You can't quite get your feet.
00:28:48 This is like a Kevin James in a movie that Kevin James is in.
00:28:51 You gotta be kidding me.
00:28:55 Whoa.
00:28:56 Oh, you do.
00:28:58 It is only a five.
00:28:59 It's not a critical fail.
00:29:00 You do manage to get your sample because how could you not?
00:29:03 But your hands are now covered in the goopy, surprisingly substantial vomit of Chad Hardler.
00:29:09 All right.
00:29:10 Oh, you gotta help me.
00:29:11 You gotta help me, bro.
00:29:13 All right, Chad.
00:29:15 Perhaps we can keep the principal out of this, but you have to come with me to the nurse's
00:29:20 office.
00:29:21 Oh, sure.
00:29:22 Just one moment.
00:29:23 All right, let's go.
00:29:24 All right, let's go, bro.
00:29:33 All right.
00:29:34 I haul him over one shoulder.
00:29:40 My spine creaks.
00:29:41 I go, "I'm too old for this shit."
00:29:44 And I start hobbling down the hallway with him towards the school nurse.
00:29:49 Amazing.
00:29:50 You make your way down the hallway.
00:29:52 The hallways are empty.
00:29:53 They're empty because you're good at your job.
00:29:55 And in no time at all, you manage to shuffle the lumbering, sticky form of Chad Hardler
00:30:01 to the nurse's office.
00:30:03 The door is currently closed.
00:30:04 What are you doing?
00:30:05 I give a polite and respectful three taps with my second knuckle on the frosted glass.
00:30:13 After the first tap, the door just swings open of its own accord, and you look inside
00:30:18 to see a scene of disarray.
00:30:20 The entire nurse's office has been turned upside down.
00:30:24 Cupboards have been flung of all their contents.
00:30:26 Bottles are open.
00:30:27 The whole place is just a mess.
00:30:29 Someone has done a real number on this place.
00:30:31 My God.
00:30:33 I've never seen such rampant chaos in all my years as a hall monitor.
00:30:39 I take a quick scan with my monitor vision to see what is missing, if I can see anything
00:30:46 out of place.
00:30:47 Okay, make a look roll on this one then.
00:30:49 Second of the game.
00:30:50 This is going to be great.
00:30:51 Okay.
00:30:52 Soars into all the glass.
00:30:53 Your eyes narrow so hard, you get such an intense Clint Eastwood squint on that the
00:31:11 frames of your glasses crack a little.
00:31:13 I'm blind.
00:31:14 You're going to have a, we're going to give you a minus one penalty to your current look
00:31:23 on that snake eyes for the time being on a snake eyes man.
00:31:26 You just squinted a little bit too hard.
00:31:28 You just, you suck that chub a chub with a little too much gusto and just all the muscles
00:31:33 in your face just contorted so much.
00:31:36 Yeah, the flimsy lenses of your not particularly expensive glasses.
00:31:42 Okay.
00:31:43 Yeah, unfortunately that you, you, if the place is in complete disarray, there is no
00:31:48 way you could figure out what was, what is taking it without days of work and a whole
00:31:52 CSU team.
00:31:53 Uh, if, if I can't work out what's missing or what has been done to the place, like why
00:31:58 it's been ransacked, I would assume someone's looking for something.
00:32:01 Uh, then I'm going to instead examine the door because as far as I'm aware, uh, there
00:32:07 are only a handful of people who can execute a break and entry job with the kind of skill
00:32:11 that I have.
00:32:12 Okay.
00:32:13 So make, make, make another look real for us now.
00:32:16 Now that's more like it.
00:32:19 That's eight.
00:32:20 Okay.
00:32:21 Yeah.
00:32:22 Um, the lock has been picked with pinpoint precision.
00:32:26 There is literally only one man on campus capable of doing a job like this.
00:32:31 A man who was made a high school side business out of this particular job.
00:32:35 And that man is, well, that boy is Jimmy the lock.
00:32:41 And if you know Jimmy the lock right now, he's going to be downstairs and quarrel club
00:32:45 placing bets and making money.
00:32:48 You know where you need to go next.
00:32:51 Okay.
00:32:53 And speaking of quarrel club, we cut downstairs back again to the arena, the ring of students
00:32:58 chanting and jeering, um, eager, eager for the only, uh, outlet of violence and rage
00:33:04 they are allowed in order to keep the peace at the top of the stairs, gathered friends
00:33:10 and students, adolescent adversaries.
00:33:14 We have another quarrel to settle down here in class and broader wrestling.
00:33:19 The laws of quarrel club have been encoded in our school since the beginning of time.
00:33:26 No conflict may be allowed to spill out or occur above ground.
00:33:32 When someone is wronged, that slight is righted down here.
00:33:36 And someone has been wronged once again in the halls of Grapp Valley High.
00:33:42 So it's time to settle the score.
00:33:46 Making their way to the ring, the defendant, the satanic anarchist hailing from cemetery
00:33:56 Heights, Rita Hexbook.
00:34:03 Hi.
00:34:07 I'm actually just drawing on the wall, Paul monitor sucks balls and then his phone number
00:34:15 underneath and then turn around, just wandering, get into the ring I guess.
00:34:25 Making their way to the ring, the prosecution hailing from green Bay, Grapp Valley, E M
00:34:35 O.
00:34:36 And suddenly the lights just shut down and the entire, um, the entire club is in darkness
00:34:43 and then they come back up again and you find yourself standing opposite in the ring, a
00:34:47 tall, very slim, uh, young man with sort of black skinny jeans, converses.
00:34:52 He's got a black t-shirt with a white skeleton rib cage on it and a little red heart above
00:34:56 where the heart would be.
00:34:57 Um, he's got sort of very darkly black dye, dirty, uh, hair that covers about three quarters
00:35:03 of his face.
00:35:04 So just sort of one eye is peaking out.
00:35:06 Um, and he just stands there staring at you with his one eye.
00:35:11 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:35:16 Hold on.
00:35:19 What are you doing though?
00:35:20 Um, okay.
00:35:22 Make a work roll first.
00:35:23 Hang on, that went off the side.
00:35:32 Uh, how small is your desk?
00:35:38 Surprisingly small.
00:35:39 Always falls off.
00:35:40 I just got a really vigorous throat.
00:35:42 It's been a long time.
00:35:43 Oh, Tom.
00:35:44 Make that work roll though.
00:35:45 It's six.
00:35:46 Six.
00:35:47 Oh, thank you.
00:35:48 Okay.
00:35:49 Um, oh, that won't do it I'm afraid.
00:35:52 I'm seeing double here.
00:35:53 Four lorries.
00:35:54 Um, okay.
00:35:55 Uh, so, uh, in, in no time at all, this is actually getting too difficult.
00:36:04 No depth perception.
00:36:05 It's really, really shit.
00:36:06 Uh, in no time at all, uh, the silent unspeaking form of EMO slides behind you, uh, wraps these
00:36:15 very, very slim bony arms around your stomach and then just pulls you in a bear hug, um,
00:36:20 signature move known as the Weezer embrace and just starts choking all of the life out
00:36:24 of you.
00:36:25 Uh, what are you doing?
00:36:27 You feeling, finding it hard to breathe?
00:36:28 What are you doing?
00:36:29 Um, I'm just going to stamp on his foot really hard with my fuck off Doc Martens.
00:36:38 I feel because it's Doc Martens, that's probably a look roll.
00:36:40 You can roll a look for that.
00:36:45 Uh, look is eight.
00:36:48 Eight.
00:36:49 Sorry, eight.
00:36:50 Yeah, your heavy Doc Martens connects with his foot.
00:36:57 He yells out in a very sincere expression of emotional anguish.
00:37:01 Um, and let's go have your stomach and staggers back.
00:37:04 After just the briefest moment of collecting himself, he then speeds almost like he's moving
00:37:08 on a dolly slides across the ring slides across the mat, uh, leaps up, um, onto the top of
00:37:15 the shoulders of some of the audience and then springboards himself from the shoulders
00:37:19 of a football player for the crash board confessional in attempt to basically splash you down onto
00:37:24 the ground.
00:37:25 What are you doing?
00:37:26 Um, I'm just going to lift my elbow up to connect with his ribs.
00:37:29 So when he comes in, I'm just going to get him straight in the diaphragm.
00:37:32 That could be real or work because that's really painful, but it's also clever.
00:37:35 Real please.
00:37:36 Thank you.
00:37:37 All right, man.
00:37:38 Eight.
00:37:39 Uh, nice.
00:37:40 Yeah.
00:37:41 Another sort of sickening crunches.
00:37:42 Some of the frailest ribs you've ever elbowed, um, crumbled under the point of your pointy
00:37:51 bones.
00:37:52 Um, and he doubles up, coughs a little and it's currently on his knees on the mat.
00:37:57 What are you doing?
00:37:58 Um, I've got salt from my ritual earlier that I used to make the circles and I'm just gonna
00:38:04 blow it into his eyes.
00:38:06 Um, okay.
00:38:07 Make a look roll for that.
00:38:09 Oh, not real.
00:38:11 Okay.
00:38:12 Don't start with me, Lo.
00:38:14 I'm not starting with you.
00:38:16 Oh, that.
00:38:17 Uh, hang on.
00:38:18 Look.
00:38:19 So that is 11.
00:38:20 Sorry.
00:38:21 Couldn't do math.
00:38:22 Nice.
00:38:23 Um, yeah.
00:38:24 His eyes just, uh, yeah.
00:38:25 The screams of pain again as this salt just sort of gets straight into his eyes.
00:38:30 You sort of see them go from bloodshot to even more bloodshot.
00:38:33 Um, another sort of primal scream of emotional anguish.
00:38:37 Um, and then he looks at you, hisses, and then clicks his fingers and the entire arena
00:38:44 disappears into darkness again.
00:38:45 Like you can't see anything for a moment.
00:38:47 And then you hear like a two sort of gentle, almost plastic cracking sounds.
00:38:51 And suddenly the light of two glow sticks appears hovering at about head height in the
00:38:55 darkness of the start to move and swirl around, um, and sort of a spinning motion and the,
00:39:01 uh, yeah.
00:39:03 And then emo just leaps at you and goes into Jimmy beat world, which is basically where
00:39:06 he hits you with his glow sticks as hard as he can.
00:39:10 I don't like, this is what I don't like about emos is that they feel they can just cross
00:39:13 genres like just move into Raver.
00:39:15 Just like, it's not a problem.
00:39:16 Like stick your own fucking genre.
00:39:17 So what's he done?
00:39:19 I wasn't actually listening.
00:39:22 That stings man.
00:39:23 That's he's, he's beating you with glow sticks.
00:39:28 He's trying to cool.
00:39:32 Make a power roll to withstand the, um, the onslaught of the Jimmy beat world move.
00:39:46 This is some new Japan level no selling.
00:39:53 It was on power.
00:39:55 10.
00:39:56 10.
00:39:57 Um, yeah, the, he futilely beats you with these glow sticks that, um, after several
00:40:02 pounds just sort of crack and some of the, um, the liquid from them leaks out of the
00:40:07 stick and onto his clothes, uh, making him very easy now to see in the dark.
00:40:11 Great.
00:40:12 Um, what are you doing?
00:40:14 I want to go for an elbow for his throat.
00:40:17 Go for it.
00:40:18 That's a fine reel.
00:40:21 Four.
00:40:23 Four.
00:40:25 He moves, he moves a little too quickly out of your way and with his last ounce of strength,
00:40:31 gets his own elbow and goes for a breaking back Sunday and tries to get you right in
00:40:35 the spine with his elbow.
00:40:38 What are you doing?
00:40:40 I'm going to surprise everyone and I'm going to try and move out of the way quick as possible
00:40:44 and just pull down his trousers.
00:40:45 Ooh, those are some skinny jeans.
00:40:48 The ultimate humiliation.
00:40:49 I feel like, I feel like that's a work role because those are some tight jeans that take
00:40:53 some skill man.
00:40:54 You can't just yank them like baggies.
00:40:55 Sorry.
00:40:56 Like she was born to do it.
00:40:57 Talk us, talk us through it like man, talk us through it.
00:40:58 Um, so I just, uh, I don't know, just dropped to the floor and some weird ability to, I
00:41:01 assume he's got a belt on because all emo dickheads wear some kind of belt that's got like, I
00:41:10 don't know, bullets on it.
00:41:13 It's a bullet belt.
00:41:16 It's a legit bullet belt.
00:41:19 Is it actually bullets though?
00:41:22 Um, no, they're on plastic.
00:41:25 Fake bullets.
00:41:26 That's what's wrong with it.
00:41:28 It's just fucking fake and horrendous and awful.
00:41:31 And I don't even have to pull it open.
00:41:34 I just snap it because it's that crap.
00:41:36 And then just yank the trousers down all the way down to his ankles.
00:41:39 And he's wearing the tightest, most awful briefs with my chemical romance on the front
00:41:43 of it.
00:41:44 And Lolo Brau, legit shooting on emos today.
00:41:47 Okay.
00:41:48 Huge MCR fan, so it's fine.
00:41:51 Um, yeah, as he pulled his trousers down, all of a sudden the lights snap back on and
00:41:58 he is left there with his embarrassing briefs and pale bare legs in front of the whole audience.
00:42:04 He drops to his knees.
00:42:06 You know what you did?
00:42:10 You know what you did?
00:42:15 Are you still upset about that?
00:42:20 No one takes us seriously anymore.
00:42:24 My crush, Stacy Beaker from Science Lab won't even look at me.
00:42:30 I guess, I guess my chemical romance is never going to be emo after all.
00:42:36 Oh, can I just headbutt him while he's on the floor?
00:42:41 Go for it.
00:42:42 On that natural 12, you just knock him clean, unconscious and boom.
00:42:48 Your winner, the satanic anarchist, Rita Hexbook.
00:42:55 The quarrel is ended.
00:43:00 And the announcer immediately starts getting ready for the next match.
00:43:05 We now return to Paul Monitor, who has made his way downstairs into the crowds surrounding
00:43:15 the crowd surrounding the event.
00:43:17 And the very short, very slim, very weasley figure of Jimmy the Lock is counting up dollars
00:43:22 in his hand, leaning against the door that leads to the CBW locker rooms.
00:43:26 I grab him by the scruff of the neck and I throw him through the doors of the locker room.
00:43:32 Hey, hey, what's the big idea?
00:43:34 Give me a, give me a power roll for that.
00:43:41 That is 10.
00:43:43 Okay, yeah, you fling him against the door.
00:43:44 He goes through it and stumbles into the locker room like, hey, hey, Paul, Paul Monitor, what's
00:43:49 going on?
00:43:50 What's the big idea?
00:43:51 Hey, I got no beef with you.
00:43:53 I got no beef with you.
00:43:55 At that point, you hear a, you hear the announcer call out, the following match is scheduled
00:44:01 for one fall, making their way to the ring.
00:44:05 The queen of the stoner age, Mary Jane.
00:44:09 And as Paul, as Jimmy stumbles back further in fear, scrabbling across the ground in the
00:44:14 locker room, you hear the sound of cheers as the sort of the drunken master flow of
00:44:20 Mary Jane makes her way into the ring back in the main arena.
00:44:23 What are you doing?
00:44:24 He's just scrabbling on the ground now, sliding back.
00:44:27 Let's not do this little dance again, Jimmy.
00:44:30 I've got some questions and if you don't give me the answers I'm looking for, then I'm going
00:44:35 to introduce you to my several orange friends and I take a bag with oranges in it because
00:44:42 fun fact, oranges don't leave bruises.
00:44:45 I don't want to dance.
00:44:47 I don't know how to dance.
00:44:49 What's the big idea?
00:44:50 I don't know nothing.
00:44:51 I saw nothing.
00:44:52 I don't know who they are.
00:44:54 The hard way it is and I just clatter his legs out from under him with the oranges.
00:45:03 Okay, so give me a work roll for that because it's a trip.
00:45:09 My work is, I think it's plus one.
00:45:13 Let me check.
00:45:14 It is plus one.
00:45:15 Huzzahs.
00:45:16 That is five.
00:45:18 Okay.
00:45:19 And as you move towards him, you hear the announcer again from across the other room making their
00:45:23 way to the ring, the myth maker, Steelberg.
00:45:27 And he would start chanting, "Steelberg, Steelberg."
00:45:33 As this big heavy guy in like jeans and a plaid shirt and a leather jacket with a neat
00:45:37 little goatee makes his way down the ring.
00:45:40 On that five, he's a slimy, slippery little bugger is Jimmy and he slips his legs out
00:45:44 of the way and just manages to avoid being tripped.
00:45:47 He sort of gets himself some square footing and just starts to bolt deeper into the locker
00:45:50 room as fast as he can.
00:45:51 I'm going to run up after him and try and hit him with a missile dropkick as he's moving,
00:45:56 which I call the goody two shoes.
00:46:00 Okay, fantastic.
00:46:01 That is a work roll, I think.
00:46:06 That's more like it.
00:46:07 Seven.
00:46:08 So you leap into the air, crunch up your body and as your dropkick connects with the frail
00:46:13 back of this little weasley man, the second your feet crunch into his spine, you hear
00:46:17 the crack as Steelberg uppercuts Mary Jane with a camcorder right under her chin and
00:46:22 she stumbles back further against into the ring, lands into the arms and surrounds us.
00:46:26 Yeah, the dropkick knocks Jimmy the Lock to his feet and he just starts, he's still trying
00:46:31 to get away as fast as he can now, he's terrified, he's crawling on his hands and knees.
00:46:34 "Hey, what's the big idea?
00:46:36 I thought you were all right."
00:46:38 I step on one of his hands, I take a pen from my pocket and I place it between these fingers
00:46:47 on his hand and I just put my fist around it and I just give him a gentle squeeze and
00:46:53 I just say, "Give me a name."
00:46:55 That is painful enough to be a real roll.
00:46:58 Oh, my real is minus one.
00:46:59 Damn it.
00:47:01 Oh, shag.
00:47:03 That is a two, an unnatural two.
00:47:06 So, yeah, as you try to manoeuvre that pen in that very specific position, he slides
00:47:11 his little rat-like hands away just as Mary Jane is swaying effortlessly out of the heavy-handed
00:47:16 swings of Steelberg as he swings his big 1990s camcorder around like a club in the ring.
00:47:23 On that fail, Jimmy the Lock gets to his feet and scrambles around his pockets, scrambles
00:47:30 around in any kind of locker he could find and he comes across a slingshot, a catapult,
00:47:37 a classic sort of Y-shaped elastic band catapult.
00:47:41 Sort of gets some spare coins out of his pocket, pulls it back in one hand and says, "Hey,
00:47:46 I'll do it.
00:47:47 You know I'll do it.
00:47:48 You know what I'll do if I'm pushed."
00:47:51 I look him dead in the eyes and say, "You haven't got the balls."
00:47:57 Make a look roll.
00:48:00 All right, that's minus one.
00:48:03 That is six.
00:48:05 Okay.
00:48:10 You've got bigger balls than you know.
00:48:12 And he lets go of the catapult as this tiny little coin shoots its way towards your face
00:48:20 back in the ring, winded from constantly swinging this big heavy weapon.
00:48:26 The thing about Steelberg, he's good at short bursts of power, but then he tires himself
00:48:30 out.
00:48:31 And so while he is wheezing, Mary Jane just blows a cloud of marijuana smoke into his
00:48:35 mouth.
00:48:36 And the audience watches as his eyes sort of gloss over with red blood shots and this
00:48:40 movement starts to become more dazed, more motionless, more dazed, more kind of sway.
00:48:45 Okay.
00:48:46 Yeah, you, on that failed roll, that coin pings you straight in the forehead, knocks
00:48:52 you back a couple of steps.
00:48:54 And by the time you open your eyes and get your bearings again, the room is empty.
00:48:59 There's no way out of this locker room, but Jimmy the Lock is nowhere to be found.
00:49:06 Monitor vision.
00:49:07 I'm going to find this motherfucker.
00:49:10 Okay.
00:49:11 Make a look roll.
00:49:12 Minus one.
00:49:13 Come on, daddy.
00:49:16 Boom, seven.
00:49:18 Seven.
00:49:19 Nice.
00:49:20 Tell us what monitor vision looks like when it's happening.
00:49:23 It's like a really old, you know, like Terminator vision, like really kind of like eight bit
00:49:30 and kind of blocky and it like Robocop and it's kind of just like very slowly zooms in
00:49:35 on individual things and just like gives them the scan.
00:49:37 And I'm just scanning the room for Jimmy the Lock when I notice a very slightly, just a
00:49:44 slight bend in the metal of one locker.
00:49:47 Like every other locker is exactly uniform, but there is just a very slight curve outwards
00:49:52 on one of the locker doors.
00:49:57 Well spotted.
00:49:58 What are you doing?
00:49:59 I'm going to rip open the locker, which I assume contains Jimmy the Lock.
00:50:04 And then I'm going to drag him out and go for my finisher, if that helps.
00:50:08 Okay, so let's have a, yeah, let's do this all on your finisher to see how well this goes.
00:50:15 So what you're trying to basically do is rip open the locker and drag out whoever you find
00:50:19 inside.
00:50:20 You're going to drag out.
00:50:21 Okay, give us your finisher, Rob.
00:50:22 All right.
00:50:23 So I'm going to go for my finisher, which is a, basically it's a LaBelle lock or a saved
00:50:29 by LaBelle lock, if you will, which is actually called, it's not called that because that
00:50:34 is way too cool for Paul Monson.
00:50:35 It's actually called, it's called the detention is killing me.
00:50:42 10, 10, 10, 10.
00:50:45 Okay. You rip open that door in a feat of, in a surprising feat of strength.
00:50:51 I think you're probably quite a hard bodied guy by the sounds of it.
00:50:53 It's the amount of grunt work you have to do.
00:50:55 That door is ripped open.
00:50:56 The, the carrying form of Jimmy the Lock is inside.
00:50:59 Hey, what's the big idea?
00:51:01 I'm just taking a nap in here, buddy.
00:51:03 And you put them out and slam them against the locker.
00:51:07 What are you saying?
00:51:08 I've seen that talk us through your people, through your finisher.
00:51:10 Sorry.
00:51:11 So I drag him to the, I drag him to the ground.
00:51:12 I wrap his arm between my legs and I wrench my hands like basically across the bridge
00:51:17 of his nose, kind of talking his back, talking his neck, ripping, kind of wrenching his shoulder
00:51:22 out of his, out of his socket.
00:51:24 And I just simply say the name.
00:51:26 I know you've got, you haven't got the stones to steal anything from the school, but you
00:51:31 are a lock pick for hire.
00:51:32 And I want to know who paid you to bust into the nurse's office.
00:51:37 Give me a name.
00:51:39 Back in the ring days for a moment, the bloodshot eyes of Stilberg start to clear.
00:51:45 It looks Mary Jane square in her eyes and says, most artists do their best work when
00:51:50 high and goes for the final cut, which is basically a instant sleeper hold, clap aboard
00:51:56 kind of maneuver straight around the neck.
00:51:58 And then locks her in the neck and she boom drops to the ground.
00:52:01 The audience lose their shit.
00:52:03 I'm still, they'll start stomping around going as pirates go off to the left and right.
00:52:08 And then back in the locker room, Jimmy the lock says to you, all right, all right.
00:52:14 Hey, Paul, buddy, pal, pats you on the shoulder.
00:52:18 You know, you know how I operate.
00:52:21 I don't take names.
00:52:22 I don't ask for names.
00:52:23 They just, they just leave the money, the time and the place and the door they want
00:52:28 picked in my locker.
00:52:29 And I do the rest.
00:52:30 No names, no names, I swear.
00:52:35 All right, Rodney Dangerfield, give me something or I'm taking your mother for me.
00:52:42 Give me something or I am, or I am expelling your arm from your body.
00:52:47 Because he succeeded that finisher.
00:52:49 Absolutely.
00:52:50 He takes a look.
00:52:51 Here's the envelope.
00:52:52 It's all I got.
00:52:53 I took the cash.
00:52:54 I spent on a watch and he points to a shiny Rolex on his wrist.
00:52:57 Please, please, buddy.
00:52:58 Come on, let me go.
00:53:00 I release it.
00:53:02 I give him a kick in the pants as he scurries away and say, don't let me see you around
00:53:06 here again.
00:53:07 He scurries away in fear and we leave Paul Monitor standing in the locker room looking
00:53:11 at this envelope.
00:53:14 Okay, we cut now back to the arena and the announcer makes his way back down the ramp
00:53:20 to speak to the assembled students.
00:53:24 As long as there has been man, there have been jocks and there have been nerds.
00:53:31 And as long as these two clans has lived, their war has waged eternal.
00:53:37 The never ending battle continues safely from the surface world down here in the ring of
00:53:45 classroom brawler wrestling, making their way to the ring.
00:53:50 Ship and Bard, the method.
00:53:56 The lights dim on stage and on the Edutron, all of a sudden, just an endless stream of
00:54:00 binary numbers appear in green font.
00:54:03 They flicker and change matrix style and slowly clarify into the shape of a quill, which flicks
00:54:09 with a flourish.
00:54:10 And then there is a burst of pyros and coming down the ring side by side are a large broad
00:54:15 shouldered lantern jawed man with delicate features wearing a doublet and a ruff around
00:54:20 his neck.
00:54:21 And next to him is a very small, very wiry, very strong looking little fellow in thick
00:54:27 rimmed glasses with a bit of tape around the rim.
00:54:29 He's wearing some very colorful braces, some very colorful socks, some very hard wearing
00:54:34 shoes, pair of jeans.
00:54:38 They make their way into the center of the ring.
00:54:42 Bard, the big fella, stands in the middle, breathes in the atmosphere, flicks his hand
00:54:49 and takes a big flourishing bow as Chip retreats to his corner, making their way to the ring.
00:54:57 The hard body boys, Ozzstriker Bolton and Chad Hardler.
00:55:05 Tell us who enters the ring alone.
00:55:07 So coming down to the ring is Ozzstriker Bolton, Ozz to his friends.
00:55:14 He is the he's the captain of the wrestling team here at the school.
00:55:20 And obviously the music is playing.
00:55:22 It's like the school thing.
00:55:23 As he walks down to the ring with this awesome letterman jacket, taking in the applause of
00:55:30 his opponents.
00:55:31 But he has got a bit of a look of concern on his face because his his tag partner, his
00:55:38 best friend in the whole world is nowhere to be found.
00:55:42 Where's like Chad Hardler is just not around.
00:55:46 The announcer comes up to you, Ozz, where's Chad?
00:55:50 I don't know, dude.
00:55:51 He's not around, man.
00:55:52 I know where he is.
00:55:53 You know the rules of Quarrel Club.
00:55:56 If you can't bring your tag partner, you forfeit the match.
00:56:00 Look, last I heard he was probably hurling somewhere.
00:56:03 I ain't got time for.
00:56:05 Dude, I will fight this on my own.
00:56:08 I will take these two dudes on these nerds on my own.
00:56:12 You know, that's not how it works.
00:56:13 Look, Ozz, unless you can drum up a quarterback in the next one minute, you're forfeiting
00:56:19 this match.
00:56:22 So it looks around panically.
00:56:25 Anyone here?
00:56:26 Anyone want to fight by my side?
00:56:28 Anyone want to team up with the captain of the wrestling team so I don't have to forfeit
00:56:32 to these nerds?
00:56:38 Is there any quarterback in the audience who can step in?
00:56:42 Anybody at all?
00:56:46 Do you want me to say names?
00:56:49 Please, Rick.
00:56:51 Is it one of us?
00:56:52 I don't know.
00:56:54 So by this point, Danger Zone, the car, has made its way into Quarrel Club.
00:57:00 God damn it.
00:57:01 Gives me a gentle nudge behind, like, just backs up against the behind of my knees.
00:57:07 Good idea, Danger Zone.
00:57:09 I was a quarterback.
00:57:12 Hey, Ozz, I'm your guy.
00:57:15 I'll help you beat these two.
00:57:17 But in return, I need a favor.
00:57:19 I need some science.
00:57:21 Oh, that's nerd stuff, man.
00:57:23 I ain't got time for that.
00:57:24 But you do look about the same age as me, so I'm going to say you can be my tag partner,
00:57:29 man.
00:57:30 I'll help you out where possible.
00:57:32 We could even be brothers.
00:57:34 That's how the same age we look.
00:57:36 Oh, totally, dude.
00:57:37 I can't-- there's no age difference between us, man.
00:57:41 I feel like we just instantly bond.
00:57:45 Instantly bond over our shared age.
00:57:48 Yes, totally same age, man.
00:57:52 OK, and with that hot woman conversation, you hear the sound of bells.
00:57:56 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:57:58 Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.
00:58:00 I came here to wrestle, so I've got to get wrestling shape.
00:58:05 What's happening?
00:58:07 Why has he always got a strip now in every show?
00:58:10 I'm his rider.
00:58:11 Oh, what?
00:58:12 [LAUGHTER]
00:58:15 Oh, the microphone is in the way.
00:58:17 [LAUGHTER]
00:58:25 I came here to wrestle, dude.
00:58:27 Time to get some wrestling.
00:58:29 I was worried about people seeing me through my window.
00:58:32 [LAUGHTER]
00:58:35 OK, well, with Oz as the legal wrestler against Bard, the legal wrestler,
00:58:40 what are you doing, Oz?
00:58:42 So the first thing I'm doing to this nerd is I'm walking up to him,
00:58:45 and I'm just going to take my hand, and I'm going to push it right up
00:58:48 against his face, the American Power Face, I call it.
00:58:51 OK, that's a straight power roll to give him a face shove.
00:58:56 That hand's positioning is so unfortunate.
00:58:58 It's five.
00:59:00 As you lunge forward with your big frame, the equally large framed body
00:59:04 of Bard scoops you up under the legs, lifts you up, and drops you in slamlet,
00:59:09 his signature body slam.
00:59:11 Boom, right down on the floor.
00:59:13 What are you doing?
00:59:14 Oh, man, dude.
00:59:15 I'm going to get up.
00:59:16 I'm not going to be shown up by this nerd.
00:59:19 I'm not shown up by nerds, man.
00:59:20 So I'm going to do a slam of my own.
00:59:22 I scoop my hand underneath, a move that was taught to me by a friend,
00:59:26 Fall Pinch, that I call the shit breaker.
00:59:29 So I'm just going to scoop my hand underneath, give him a little bit of a
00:59:31 grab around the ass as I go to try and slam him myself.
00:59:35 Another power roll, now.
00:59:36 This is a lot.
00:59:40 Hey, eight.
00:59:42 Talk us through it.
00:59:44 So, yeah, the hand goes under, a little bit of a squeeze there for the shit
00:59:48 breaker to really take effect.
00:59:50 Over the shoulder he goes and then slams him down, and I'm immediately going
00:59:53 to start going in for some wrestling, some proper Greco-Roman wrestling.
00:59:58 So locking in the head, locking in the head so he can't get anywhere.
01:00:02 Okay, that is going to be a real roll because you are a scholastic wrestler.
01:00:09 Eight.
01:00:10 Eight.
01:00:11 Yeah, you successfully get the lock right around his throat.
01:00:14 He starts wheezing, struggling, wriggling to get up.
01:00:18 What are you doing?
01:00:19 I'm actually going to sort of like just maneuver around a little bit so I can
01:00:23 start pulling his head back to try and get him to submit one of his signature
01:00:27 moves named after a previous girlfriend of his, Sarah Michelle Yeller,
01:00:32 try and get him to scream in pain.
01:00:35 Okay, so that sounds like -- that sounds worky to me.
01:00:39 What?
01:00:40 Does it?
01:00:41 It's wrestling.
01:00:42 Sorry, I don't know scholastic wrestling, man.
01:00:45 I spend most of my research time looking for puns.
01:00:47 So, yeah, you can make a real roll.
01:00:49 Thank you very much.
01:00:51 Another bit of help.
01:00:52 Five.
01:00:53 Unfortunately, no, he just -- as you try to change position,
01:00:57 he uses that advantage to power himself out, push you back a little bit,
01:01:01 and then says, looking you deep in the eye, "If music be the food of love,
01:01:05 eat this," and punches you straight in the jaw.
01:01:09 Oh, man, I'm annoyed because this nerd is showing me up.
01:01:13 I'm going to tag in the kid who's clearly the same age as me.
01:01:17 I trust him.
01:01:18 High school quarterbacks, tag in.
01:01:20 Tag back.
01:01:21 Cheers, man.
01:01:22 Did you see the popular stuff on the TV last night?
01:01:25 Dude, I actually did.
01:01:27 I saw all the popular stuff.
01:01:29 Yeah.
01:01:30 Did you watch the Danger Zone show?
01:01:33 What, no?
01:01:34 No, worth a go, worth a go.
01:01:36 So I go in and I immediately go for -- I think me and Luke did a similar thing here --
01:01:41 the 10 things I hate about you, which is 10 punches.
01:01:46 Yes.
01:01:47 Every punch, but with every punch, Danger Zone is going to honk its horn.
01:01:54 Bomp, bomp, so I do two.
01:01:56 But then I quickly get in close with the nerd and I say, "Do you know any science?
01:02:01 Do you know any time travel science?"
01:02:03 Okay, so first off, we're going to need you to roll on --
01:02:06 you can roll on Luke for the golden shower, basically.
01:02:12 It's a nine.
01:02:13 That'll do it.
01:02:14 And then we're going to have you roll on work to get to the nerd in time.
01:02:19 Work is plus one.
01:02:21 Oh!
01:02:22 Well, I got the plus one, so what does that mean?
01:02:26 Oh, son.
01:02:28 Oh, my God.
01:02:29 So, yeah, as soon as basically you drift your focus to try and get the nerd,
01:02:34 that's all the opening that Bard needs.
01:02:36 "Bromio, Bromio, wherefore art thou, Bromio?"
01:02:40 Nerds!
01:02:44 He goes for 12th strike, which is basically where he rains down 12 punches in
01:02:49 sequential order on you.
01:02:50 Boom, boom, boom, boom.
01:02:52 And on the 12th punch, you are sent barreling back into the turnbuckle,
01:02:57 spying again -- well, back into the turnstudent, the student buckle,
01:03:01 like landing against the teenagers right next to, however, Chip.
01:03:09 However, Chip uses this opportunity of you being right near him and with the
01:03:13 referee distracted to initiate tech knuckle support,
01:03:16 where he basically backs up Bard's punches with punches of his own and just
01:03:20 starts laying into you while you're weakened.
01:03:22 While I'm getting hit from side to side, I ask Chip, "So you're the science-y
01:03:26 nerd? Do you know more about the science?"
01:03:30 In between each punch, he's like -- what was Chip's voice?
01:03:34 "Ooh, yeah, stranger, I think you'll find I'm very well versed in the technical
01:03:39 matters." Boom, boom, boom, boom.
01:03:43 "And I am, of course, bound by QC law to grant you one boon should you defeat me
01:03:50 in Mortal Kombat."
01:03:53 That's all I needed to know, nerd.
01:03:55 And then my elbow hit me in the face.
01:03:58 I knee the other one in the dick.
01:04:00 Okay, so I'm going to have you -- you can roll and look for this because you're
01:04:04 basically just a job beating up nerds right now.
01:04:08 It's an 11.
01:04:10 That'll do it, yeah.
01:04:12 You elbow him right in the point where his glasses are taped together and they
01:04:16 split.
01:04:17 And then did you say you knee Bard in the dick?
01:04:20 Knee Bard in the dick, yeah.
01:04:21 And then I want to roll through and tag Oz.
01:04:24 Yeah, he winces, his eyes sort of cross like Kevin James in a Kevin James movie,
01:04:29 drops to his knees and says, "Frailty, thy name is Bard."
01:04:33 Nerd!
01:04:34 Okay, yeah, you can make him with a tag, of course.
01:04:36 What are you doing, Oz?
01:04:37 I'm going to grab him, clearly inspired by the great same-age work that I just
01:04:43 saw from my new tag partner, Rick Thunder.
01:04:46 I'm going to do one of my other signature moves, "Ten moves I do about you."
01:04:50 [Laughter]
01:04:52 Okay, go for it.
01:04:53 Yeah, so just grabbing him into a waist lock to do in ten takedowns.
01:04:58 Cool.
01:05:00 And that is going to be nine.
01:05:03 Lovely, okay, so take us through that.
01:05:05 Grabbing him by the waist, throwing him, slam.
01:05:08 Maintaining waist control, lifting him up, slam.
01:05:11 Maintain that waist control, up and slam, so on and so forth.
01:05:15 And then transition into the finisher, a reminder of one of my greatest
01:05:20 adventures with my friend, Chad Hardler.
01:05:24 "Dude, where's my arm bar?"
01:05:26 And I'm just going to transition into sort of like Becky Lynch's disarmer,
01:05:30 essentially, as the finish.
01:05:32 Okay, go for it.
01:05:33 Straight to D6.
01:05:35 Oh, that is seven.
01:05:38 Just about.
01:05:39 You made it.
01:05:40 Talk us through it, man.
01:05:41 So, yeah, so after the slams have been done, I just grab the arm, sit up,
01:05:46 wrench it, and wait for this little nerd, this nerd to scream out in pain
01:05:51 and eventually tap out.
01:05:53 Rick?
01:05:54 I see the other -- who's the legal man on the other team?
01:05:57 The legal man is still barred.
01:05:59 No one's actually tapped Chip in yet.
01:06:00 He was just doing some dirty work from the corner.
01:06:02 So Chip's going to get in to break up the arm bar.
01:06:07 Can I hit a move on them to sort of do a double team finish?
01:06:11 I'll allow it.
01:06:12 Never been missed, then.
01:06:14 So I hop onto danger zone as it's circling the ring, and it goes round
01:06:19 and round and round, and I jump off using the force and spear a torpedo
01:06:24 spear onto Chip to take him out.
01:06:26 Beautiful.
01:06:27 Just as Chip sort of gets up and starts -- what is Chip going for?
01:06:31 Chip is going for the reboot, which is basically where he gets his friend
01:06:34 out of a pin.
01:06:35 Yeah, you intercept him like a missile, and boom, the ref comes in.
01:06:42 Are you in for a submission move?
01:06:44 Is that right, Oz?
01:06:45 Yes, yeah, yeah.
01:06:47 Barred still wincing in pain from his tenderized meat taps.
01:06:52 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
01:06:53 Oh, verily, it doth hurt indeed.
01:06:57 I'm yelling nerds while I do it.
01:07:02 Your winners, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, Oz and the Stranger,
01:07:06 the new Hardbody Boys Adventures.
01:07:12 As you get to your feet and start celebrating, Chip comes up to you,
01:07:17 Rick, and says, "Huh, I am bound by Quirrell-crub law to grant you one
01:07:21 boon.
01:07:22 Help me of your service."
01:07:24 Thank you, that would be really, really helpful.
01:07:25 I really need to get back to my own time.
01:07:27 And then I kick him in the dick again.
01:07:28 "Hey, look at this nerd, Oz."
01:07:30 Oh, nerd.
01:07:32 Is this a Rick Thunder heel turn?
01:07:35 No, he's just -- he's doing what needs to be done to get back home.
01:07:39 "Bound by law, very well."
01:07:43 And then he passes out.
01:07:44 However, Oz, as you are celebrating, the announcer comes up to you,
01:07:48 puts his hand on your shoulder.
01:07:50 "Oz, Oz, what have you done?
01:07:54 What is the one cardinal rule of Quirrell-club?
01:07:58 We keep order upstairs.
01:08:01 You can break his arms, you can rip out his hair,
01:08:05 but you've minced this man's giblets.
01:08:11 He cannot sing.
01:08:13 You've -- Oz, if the school play doesn't go ahead,
01:08:19 chaos will erupt on the surface.
01:08:22 Oh, no!
01:08:24 By the laws of Quirrell-club, you must make this right."
01:08:30 And Buzz is like, "It can't be done, forsooth.
01:08:34 I spent weeks learning the complicated scholastic wrestling secrets needed
01:08:40 for my battle against Macduff.
01:08:42 There's no one who can learn those moves in time."
01:08:48 "Uh, nerd.
01:08:51 Oz, I'm sorry, but it's the law here.
01:09:02 You have taken a player out of the game.
01:09:04 You have disrupted the order.
01:09:08 You must make this right.
01:09:10 You must take his place in the school play tomorrow."
01:09:14 What? No, man! For the nerds!
01:09:17 "6 p.m. tomorrow, after school, just before prom.
01:09:21 You have to be on stage, unless you have somewhere better to be."
01:09:24 But that's the exact same time I'm doing the wrestling match!
01:09:30 I suppose there is one way out of this.
01:09:35 If you can defeat the head of the drama club in the ring,
01:09:40 you can earn your freedom.
01:09:45 Fine, I'll do it, 'cause this wrestling match is important to me.
01:09:48 If I don't win that match, I'm not getting into Vinceton,
01:09:52 and I'm not getting my scholarship,
01:09:54 and I'm not going on to be just like my father.
01:09:56 I wouldn't be a nerd like this nerd.
01:10:00 Well, you'd better win, then.
01:10:03 Very quickly, we're going to cut to a disused janitor's closet
01:10:07 somewhere on the second floor.
01:10:09 Very briefly, Adam, tell us what we see inside that closet.
01:10:12 Inside my janitor's closet is where I keep all the accoutrements I need
01:10:17 for detective work and hallway crime solving.
01:10:22 There is a computer called the Monitor Monitor.
01:10:27 There is a map of the school with all of the secret ducts and passages
01:10:33 covered with red string.
01:10:35 There's newspaper clippings of all the times I've brought crims to justice
01:10:40 to keep my hallways safe.
01:10:43 And there is, of course, my best friend, Sherlock Bones, the crime pup,
01:10:48 who I keep there to remind me of why I'm doing this,
01:10:52 for justice and for order.
01:10:54 So I am feeding the matter I attained from Chad Hardler into the computer,
01:11:00 and I am analyzing the note.
01:11:03 The note simply says, "The nurse's office, 10 a.m."
01:11:08 But I notice there's a slight coating of dark dust on the note.
01:11:14 I smudge across it with my thumb, and it smears a lot like eyeshadow,
01:11:21 and I recognize that shade.
01:11:23 Suddenly, the Monitor Monitor goes off and the analysis is finished.
01:11:28 Pup points over, and I go, "What is it?
01:11:30 What is it, pup?"
01:11:31 [Gasps]
01:11:32 "The sample is ready for analysis."
01:11:33 And then I read up, and it says, "It's a curious compound.
01:11:39 It's a mixture of punch powder mix and industrial-strength laxative,
01:11:47 the kind of laxative that can only be obtained from the nurse's office."
01:11:53 My God, the shade of the eyeshadow, the trial-run poisoning.
01:12:00 She's going to poison the prom, and I let out a--
01:12:05 I fall to my knees, and I let out a shriek, "Rita!"
01:12:14 And that's all for this week on CBW.
01:12:19 We'll see you next week.
01:12:21 That is all we've got time for for this week's No Rolls Barred.
01:12:27 Check back this time next week for part two of Classroom Brawler Wrestling.
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