I Married Joan (1952) Vol 2 -Part 2
I Married Joan (1952) Vol 2 -Part 2
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TVTranscript
00:00 [Music]
00:05 [Singing] I married Joan. What a girl, what a world, what a life. Oh, I married Joan. What a mind, love is blind, what a wife. He and gay, all day she keeps my heart laughing. Never know where her brain is born. True, each is own. Can't deny that's why I married Joan.
00:34 The Joan Davis Show. I Married Joan. America's favorite comedy show. Starring America's queen of comedy, Joan Davis, as Mrs. Joan Stevens.
00:55 And featuring Jim Backus as Judge Bradley Stevens. I married Joan.
01:11 [Singing]
01:25 Oh, good morning, you wonderful, wonderful guy, you.
01:30 Joan, do you have to be so cheerful?
01:33 Oh, how can I help it? Being married to sweet darling, wonderful you.
01:37 [Kissing]
01:40 Oh, that takes care of my shower this morning.
01:42 [Laughter]
01:45 Oh, breakfast in bed. What did I do to deserve this?
01:49 You married me.
01:50 Huh?
01:51 Yes, this morning I suddenly realized how glad I am that you're my husband.
01:56 And after all this time, it just occurred to you this morning?
01:59 Oh, no darling.
02:01 [Laughter]
02:08 Well, honey, I've been glad all the time, dear.
02:11 But this morning, well, I got up very early this morning.
02:15 I guess I'm excited about the reunion I'm having with all those old high school girlfriends of mine.
02:20 Just think, I haven't seen them for 15 years.
02:23 Well, anyway, as I was saying, I got up very early and, well, I was thinking, would I be as excited about seeing the girls if I couldn't tell them that I was married to a judge?
02:33 [Laughter]
02:35 Oh, I see.
02:37 I hope the girls just turn green with envy when they hear that I'm married to a judge.
02:42 Well, honey, maybe some of the other girls married well, too.
02:47 Maybe, but to a judge?
02:50 Yes, I guess you're right. You know, judges don't grow on trees.
02:54 Oh, no, no. Let me do that for you, judge.
02:57 Oh, lover.
02:59 [Laughter]
03:01 Well, it isn't every girl who's lucky enough to land a judge.
03:05 Especially, well, take Minnie, for instance.
03:09 She was the flighty one of the bunch.
03:11 Uh, what were you of the bunch?
03:13 Me? Oh, I was the normal one.
03:15 [Cough]
03:17 Oh, yes, darling, I'm just going to be eternally grateful to you for all the wonderful--
03:22 Charlie, I can't get over this.
03:24 I'm sorry, but when I walk into that old classroom and meet all the girls, I'm going to be proud, dear.
03:30 Believe me.
03:32 Joan, Joan, I'm right here.
03:34 Oh, I'm sorry. I've had my breakfast.
03:37 What am I doing? I'm just excited, I guess.
03:40 Oh, thank you. Thank you for marrying me, you sweet, wonderful, hunk of judge.
03:47 You mean it.
03:49 [Cough]
03:58 [Music]
04:18 [Music]
04:33 Joanie, you're going to be a dummy all your life.
04:38 Joanie! Gloria!
04:41 Oh, oh, I thought this was one guy.
04:44 Guess what happened to me.
04:46 You're going to be a judge. You're going to be a judge, Bradley J. Stevens.
04:50 He's awfully young to be a judge.
04:52 Let me take a look at you.
04:55 You haven't changed a bit.
04:58 You know, right over here, I want to hear all about you.
05:01 What you've been doing, how you've been doing.
05:03 I want to hear every little detail.
05:05 You know how I always love sports.
05:06 Did you ever hear of Judge Bradley J. Stevens?
05:09 Huh?
05:10 Well, the man I married happens to be a--
05:12 Girls!
05:14 Oh, is this wonderful?
05:16 You know, I've been thinking about this all this time.
05:18 I made up my mind.
05:20 I'm married to a judge.
05:22 I wish I could get a Bradley J. Stevens.
05:24 I think I was pretty much going to be a judge.
05:27 Let me take a look at you.
05:30 You haven't changed a bit.
05:33 Now, as I was telling Gloria, the man I'm married to happens to be a judge.
05:38 [Crying]
05:42 [Crying]
05:45 [Crying]
05:48 [Crying]
05:51 Let me take a look at you.
05:54 You haven't changed a bit.
05:57 [Crying]
06:00 [Crying]
06:03 [Crying]
06:06 And now, as I was saying, the man that I'm married to--
06:08 Oh, you're married, Joanie?
06:09 Yes, I am, and he--
06:10 Oh, that's wonderful. How about you, Minnie? You married?
06:12 No, I never found the time.
06:13 Me neither. What about you, Gloria?
06:15 No, too busy. You know, I'm just hanging around.
06:17 [Crying]
06:31 What does this say?
06:33 Judge.
06:34 Very good.
06:35 Now, speaking of judges, the man that I'm married to happens to be a--
06:39 Congratulations!
06:40 Well, thank you, Minnie.
06:41 Yes, it's wonderful.
06:42 I really think I'm very fortunate.
06:43 Congratulations.
06:44 It was wonderful.
06:45 It was so sweet of you.
06:46 Congratulations, Gloria.
06:49 For what?
06:50 You mean you didn't read that Babe Jones was the first person ever to swim across the Bay of Biscay?
06:54 Well, of course. The papers were full of them.
06:56 But what's that got to do with Gloria?
07:00 You are Babe Jones?
07:03 You look so different in the pictures with the goggles on and everything.
07:06 I didn't recognize--
07:08 Oh, my goodness.
07:10 Then you're also the national singles and doubles women's tennis champion?
07:16 What have you been doing, Minnie?
07:18 Oh, you know me, Joanie.
07:19 Still fooling around with cosmetics.
07:21 Fooling around, huh?
07:23 Joanie, do you happen to have a lipstick?
07:25 Oh, sure.
07:28 Ah, Madame Minette, eh?
07:31 Well, of course. It's the best. I wouldn't use anything else.
07:33 That a girl.
07:35 Joanie, may I present to you Madame Minette.
07:39 How do you do--
07:41 Madame Minette?
07:43 But your name is Minnie.
07:44 Well, who'd buy a lipstick called Madame Minnie?
07:51 What have you been doing, Marsha?
07:53 Oh, working for the government.
07:55 Civil service, huh?
07:57 You might call it that.
07:58 Oh, that's nice.
08:00 And you're not married, huh?
08:01 No.
08:02 Well, did I tell you girls who I married?
08:05 No, you didn't.
08:06 Tell us about him, Joanie. What does he do?
08:08 Well, girls, the man I'm married to happens to be a--
08:13 Come in.
08:16 Dr. Bronson?
08:18 No, there's no Dr. Bronson here.
08:20 It's just us girls.
08:21 I'm Dr. Bronson, General.
08:23 Oh, pardon me.
08:27 They told me at your hotel that you'd be here.
08:29 The President desires to communicate with you.
08:31 The President?
08:32 What President?
08:33 Oh, I'm sorry.
08:34 He said he wouldn't need me when I called the White House today.
08:36 That President?
08:38 I know, but something urgent has come up, and he needs your advice.
08:42 [laughter]
09:07 [footsteps]
09:13 Tell the President that I advise against it.
09:16 Yes, Doctor.
09:17 And I'll put a call through to him as soon as I get back to my hotel.
09:20 Very good, Doctor.
09:21 Good day, ladies.
09:27 You're that Dr. Bronson of the State Department?
09:31 Well, I had a doctor's degree in political science,
09:33 so I used the title to appear more anonymous.
09:36 But you're practically their best diplomatic troubleshooter,
09:39 their ambassador with our portfolio.
09:42 Well, tell us what you've been doing, Joni.
09:44 Yes, with your peppin' ability,
09:46 you must have really made a name for yourself.
09:49 Well, I'm President of the Board of, um...
09:52 I'm Chairman of the Bureau of, um...
09:55 I'm Head of the Department of...
09:57 I make great meatballs!
10:00 [laughter]
10:02 What about an identity of my own?
10:04 What on earth are you talking about?
10:06 I'm talking about me, Bradley Stevens.
10:08 That's what I'm talking about.
10:10 I don't know what's going on, but Joan, calm down.
10:13 You're all upset!
10:15 Don't you touch me!
10:17 Not after the nasty thing you did to me!
10:20 The nasty thing? What did I do?
10:22 You married me!
10:24 [laughter]
10:26 Nasty thing?
10:28 Joni, you said you hated me.
10:31 Oh, well, I didn't really mean it that way, honey.
10:34 You know I love you, even though I hate you.
10:37 But gosh, Brad, you can't blame me.
10:40 If it weren't for marrying you, I might have been a somebody, too.
10:43 Like some certain other women that I know.
10:46 Some certain other women?
10:48 Oh, you mean your three high school friends?
10:50 Yeah.
10:52 They made a mark in the world because, well,
10:54 they weren't rushed into marriage.
10:56 Look, honey, you come over here and sit on old Brad's lap
11:00 and we'll talk this over.
11:03 Well, if I had had half the chance,
11:05 I could have done just as well as those other girls.
11:08 I was just as smart in school as they were.
11:10 Oh, now, Joni.
11:12 Well, I was, too.
11:14 Now, you take Minnie Schultz, for instance.
11:16 If it hadn't been for me, she would have gotten the lowest mark in algebra class.
11:20 You helped her?
11:21 Yes. I got the lowest mark.
11:24 Joan.
11:26 You know, Brad, I know that I could have been a big executive like Minnie.
11:29 I just know it.
11:31 Well, this is one problem you're going to have to solve yourself.
11:35 Yes, dear.
11:37 Sure.
11:43 If I hadn't been rushed into marriage,
11:45 I could have been as big a businesswoman as Minnie Schultz.
11:48 Madame Manette.
11:50 I could have been...
11:52 Lady Joan.
11:54 Imagine me,
11:56 the largest cosmetic firm in the world,
11:58 sitting in my office,
11:59 the largest office in the world.
12:02 What power I'd have.
12:03 The whole country at my feet.
12:05 The largest feet in the world.
12:08 Yes, this is Lady Joan,
12:20 sole owner of Lady Joan Cosmetics.
12:23 Oh, hiya, Prez.
12:27 What?
12:28 The U.S. Treasury is a little low and you're worried about the budget?
12:32 Two billion be enough?
12:34 Glad to do it.
12:36 Glad.
12:37 Oh, by the way, one little formality.
12:40 What are you putting up for collateral?
12:43 Oh, I see.
12:44 You'll put up taxes.
12:46 But I'm sorry, I'm already holding taxes for what the last boy borrowed.
12:51 (audience laughter)
12:54 Yes, Brewster?
12:57 The staff is waiting outside for the regular Tuesday business conference, Lady Joan.
13:01 Fine, send them in.
13:03 Oh, wait.
13:05 Light me.
13:09 (audience laughter)
13:12 Real cool.
13:16 Oh, Lady Joan, how can you treat me like this?
13:19 After what we've been to each other.
13:21 Please, Brewster, we're about to have a business conference.
13:24 Business, business.
13:25 Is that all you care about?
13:26 All I care about is you.
13:28 I love you.
13:29 Hopelessly, madly, insanely.
13:31 I love you, do you hear?
13:32 I love you.
13:34 Don't you have anything to say?
13:36 Yes, what else is new?
13:39 Look at you.
13:41 So cold, so cruel, so sure of yourself.
13:45 Only you can let yourself go enough to accept a man, to accept marriage.
13:49 Oh, silly boy.
13:52 I'm a big power in business.
13:54 A tycooness.
13:56 I'm not a foolish, emotional girl who wants to cook and scrub away her life for a man
14:01 and wind up in nothing.
14:03 But Lady Joan, I can't go on living like this.
14:10 Please, Brewster, one more outburst like that and I shall remove you as vice president
14:15 and put you back to your old job.
14:17 Eyebrow plucker, third class.
14:20 Good afternoon, Lady Joan.
14:35 Staff, I am happy to announce that Lady Joan Cosmetics is now the biggest single business
14:42 in the entire world.
14:44 And I am the biggest single business executive.
14:47 And why?
14:49 Because I'm single.
14:51 Ashley.
14:53 Joan, what about this shirt?
14:57 You know how I hate starch in the collar.
14:59 Haven't you any consideration for your husband's wishes?
15:02 Husband, starch, shirts?
15:04 Why, there must be some mistake, I'm Lady Joan.
15:07 I don't have to worry about husbands and washing shirts and...
15:11 Brewster, throw this bounder out of here.
15:14 Staff, remove this fellow.
15:20 Oh, bread.
15:27 What about the starch in your shirt?
15:34 All right, I'll take care of it.
15:36 I'll take care of it.
15:38 For I could have been a great athlete like Gloria.
15:53 Sure.
15:54 I used to be as good a swimmer as she was.
15:57 Babe Jones.
15:59 With the proper breaks, I could have been Babe Stevens.
16:04 Why not?
16:06 Keep it up, babe, you're doing great.
16:11 This is getting pretty monotonous.
16:14 I know, I know, babe.
16:16 Here, have some hot soup.
16:18 [water splashing]
16:20 [boat horn blowing]
16:23 [boat horn blowing]
16:29 [laughter]
16:32 How much fiber?
16:37 You've been in the water for four days.
16:39 You passed the Queen Mary this morning.
16:41 You should dock in Liverpool tomorrow about three.
16:44 [boat horn blowing]
16:47 [water splashing]
16:50 Joan, what in the world are you doing?
16:54 This salad dressing tastes terrible,
16:56 and the dinner isn't half ready.
16:58 Don't you realize a husband has certain rights and...
17:01 Oh, bread, no!
17:05 Joanie, I tasted the salad dressing.
17:09 It's terrible, it's flat.
17:11 Well, it just needs a little salt.
17:16 Look, honey, if you want to feel bad about your life all of a sudden,
17:19 that's your privilege.
17:21 But have some consideration for my feelings.
17:23 Try and be a little diplomatic.
17:26 Be a little diplomatic, huh?
17:30 Like Marsha Bronson, I suppose.
17:32 Diplomatic.
17:34 People used to like me much more than Marsha.
17:37 Dr. Bronson.
17:39 Gosh, diplomats.
17:42 They're all over the place.
17:44 London, Vienna, Paris.
17:47 Dr. Joan Stevens.
17:50 Dr. Stevens.
17:51 Right.
17:52 I'm Bronson.
17:53 Glad to meet you, Bronson.
17:55 I'm so relieved they've sent you, doctor.
17:57 The situation here has become much too difficult for me to handle.
17:59 The president of France is waiting to see you.
18:01 Lead on, Bronson.
18:03 Monsieur President, may I present Mademoiselle Stevens.
18:13 Mademoiselle Stevens, welcome.
18:15 My country's greetings, President,
18:19 and felicitations from my president.
18:21 But I can't waste time.
18:25 I am here on a special diplomatic mission.
18:27 But of course.
18:29 Whenever the great Joan Stevens, without portfolio or name,
18:32 arrives anywhere in the world,
18:34 history is in the making.
18:35 I am honored.
18:36 Naturally.
18:38 Well, I feel that an international power shift is in the making.
18:43 If Sinaloa moves upon Bessarabia,
18:45 and Bessarabia moves upon Indoresia,
18:48 and Indoresia moves upon Pakistaria,
18:50 and Pakistaria moves upon Irabesque,
18:53 serious repercussions will follow
18:56 that may be felt in Pasadena.
18:58 As serious as that, mademoiselle?
19:00 As serious as that.
19:01 If you say so.
19:02 I say so.
19:03 Then it must be so.
19:04 Naturally.
19:05 And at the same time,
19:07 due to pressures from these outer fringes
19:10 and a power squeeze in the middle,
19:13 France may well become the pope.
19:16 But Evans, what must France do?
19:18 There is only one thing France can do.
19:21 What is that?
19:22 Squeeze back.
19:24 If you say so.
19:25 I say so.
19:26 Then it must be so.
19:27 Naturally.
19:29 Dr. Stevens, a special courier has just arrived with new orders.
19:33 Joan! Joan!
19:35 You are a special courier with new orders?
19:37 And your orders are to come home.
19:39 The salad dressing is okay,
19:40 but what about the rest of the dinner?
19:42 Please, I'm a diplomat.
19:44 I'm in Paris.
19:46 Oh, Brad.
19:55 That did it.
20:03 It's no use, Brad.
20:05 I love you too much, not to be honest with you.
20:07 Forgive me, but I never should have gotten married.
20:10 Well, honey, I love you too much
20:12 to stand in the way of your happiness.
20:14 So you go out and make your mark in the world,
20:16 and after you're famous, you come back to me.
20:18 But before you start out on your new venture,
20:20 you have to be a good little housewife for one more night
20:22 and fix a nice dinner.
20:24 We're having company.
20:25 Company?
20:26 Yes, Minnie called.
20:27 She and the girls practically invited themselves over for dinner.
20:30 Oh, well, I'm glad they're coming.
20:32 They can give me some good advice and start me off.
20:35 My last night as a housewife.
20:38 Of course, where the line between right and wrong
20:41 is not carefully drawn,
20:43 then a person like myself,
20:45 sitting in judgment upon others,
20:47 must do a lot of soul searching.
20:49 A judge must be free of pressure.
20:51 Well, girls, I'm turning in my apron for good.
20:53 Shh.
20:55 Girls, you don't understand.
20:58 Brad has released me.
21:00 I can now concentrate on making my mark in the world.
21:03 No more drudgery for me.
21:06 You talk about drudgery.
21:07 What do you think I'm up against?
21:09 Laboratory breakdowns, advertising budgets,
21:12 sales meetings, buyers,
21:13 competitors stabbing you in the back?
21:15 At least you get to stay home.
21:17 I'm always on the move.
21:19 No place to hang my hat.
21:20 Protest marches, pickets, sabotage.
21:24 On your guard, watch yourself.
21:26 Hm, drudgery.
21:28 You should talk.
21:29 Up every morning at 5 a.m.
21:31 Do your road work for two hours.
21:33 Breakfast, one lean lamb chop.
21:36 Every day the same thing.
21:37 Every day the same lamb chop.
21:39 What are you girls complaining about?
21:41 Well, what is it that you girls really...
21:43 What?
21:45 A man to take care of me.
21:47 One for me, too.
21:49 Me, too.
21:51 What am I crying about?
21:57 I've got a man.
21:59 Have you, Johnny?
22:01 Don't you remember you set me free today?
22:03 That's right, she did.
22:05 She certainly did.
22:07 Judge, perhaps lunch tomorrow?
22:10 Judge, what about dinner?
22:11 Save supper time for me.
22:13 I'll meet you any place you say.
22:14 I'll be there, too.
22:16 Hold it.
22:19 (whistle)
22:21 Now you girls cut that out.
22:24 But Johnny, lover,
22:26 I thought you first wanted to make your mark.
22:29 I do.
22:30 And here it is, on you.
22:33 (audience laughter)
22:36 (audience applause)
22:40 I want to thank you girls for coming when I called.
22:45 Incidentally, you did a wonderful job of acting.
22:48 Who was acting?
22:50 (audience laughter)
22:51 Let's speak for me.
22:55 You're a doll, Brad.
22:56 Joan doesn't know what a lucky girl she is.
23:00 Who doesn't?
23:03 All right, dear.
23:04 Say goodnight.
23:06 Goodbye, girls.
23:07 See you 15 years from now.
23:09 It's been swell.
23:10 All right, get in there.
23:12 You were enjoying that, Brad.
23:14 (audience laughter)
23:16 (music)
23:29 (music)
23:48 [BLANK_AUDIO]