The Truth About Childhood - Part 1 Freedomain Call In - video Dailymotion

Stefan Molyneux

In this episode, I engage in deep conversations with callers as we navigate their past experiences and emotional journeys. From feeling overshadowed by a sibling's disability to navigating strained family relationships and abusive pasts, we delve into the complexities of seeking understanding, closure, and healing. Through empathy and guidance, we explore the importance of self-awareness, breaking free from toxic patterns, reclaiming personal narratives, and fostering healthier relationships. Our discussions highlight the impact of past traumas on present behaviors and the significance of honesty and self-acceptance in the healing process.  Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!  NOW AVAILABLE FOR SUBSCRIBERS: MY NEW BOOK 'PEACEFUL PARENTING' - AND THE INTERACTIVE PEACEFUL PARENTING AI AND AUDIOBOOK!  Also get the Truth About the French Revolution, the interactive multi-lingual philosophy AI trained on thousands of hours of my material, private livestreams, premium call in shows, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!  See you soon!  https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022

Transcript

00:00:00Hello, hello. Hello. Good morning. How you doing?

00:00:03Hi

00:00:04I'm pretty nervous, but do we know right? Yes. No, I'm terrifying. I get that every time I look in the mirror in the morning

00:00:11I'm like, ah

00:00:12So now I get that understandable very intimidating most terror

00:00:16So well, we'll do our best to work past it and and cross our fingers

00:00:21So, all right. Do you want to do you want to read the?

00:00:26Message, what would you like to do to start?

00:00:29Okay, so

00:00:31It says I have been in conflict within myself for the past three months

00:00:35I do not know how to move forward. I did food from both my parents and my twin sister in 2020

00:00:42It was really hard. I was miserable at times poor for a while and struggled with a feeling with feeling safe for a long time

00:00:49I was immensely grateful to have my brother motivate me and emotionally support me through it all

00:00:55He even introduced me to the love of my life with whom I now have a lovely baby with

00:01:00This past year. He has met a woman who seems to be the love of his own

00:01:04He moved halfway across the world to be with her and now we live far away because of it

00:01:08I am dealing with familiar feelings of abandonment and a profound pain

00:01:14It feels that part of my world has changed from the great cozy and wholesome life. We had I

00:01:20Feel shocked with the change and I'm stuck in a cycle of wanting to enjoy

00:01:25My first year of motherhood versus feeling the painful reminder

00:01:30with every milestone that my brother is in here to share it and

00:01:35As well as feelings of self-doubt and guilt I

00:01:39Struggle a lot with making and keeping friends

00:01:42My brother has been there my whole life and I'm not ready or want to say goodbye

00:01:46But it feels like he has done it for me. I

00:01:49Have already tried talking about it with my family my brother my therapist and myself multiple times

00:01:55It has not helped

00:01:57I'm not sure a hundred percent what I want from the call

00:02:00I may want a strong reaction from you either agreeing or disagreeing

00:02:05With how I see the situation and see what kind of response that will generate in me

00:02:10Thanks again for doing this

00:02:12you're welcome, and I I appreciate the mountain of you talk to everyone and

00:02:19It's become so desperate you'll talk to me

00:02:21I appreciate that challenge and and I will I will obviously try to do my best to help

00:02:26So it tell me a little bit about I think this is the first twin defu

00:02:30I've I've heard of or or talked with so

00:02:33If you can tell me a little bit about what happened with your family, I can get a sort of backdrop for this

00:02:39Well, um, I've um, I

00:02:43Don't know where to begin. It's like a lot of time but I

00:02:48Don't have a lot of memories from like when I was little little

00:02:52Like I remember stuff here and there and mostly from I think when I was 10 years on

00:02:59and I

00:03:01I was born premature that I know from my mom

00:03:04with my sister we were in the in the Nico for some time and

00:03:11She had an accident during that time but ended with her on a wheelchair

00:03:18And your mother had an accident right after you were born, I'm sorry, no, no my sister. Oh, you're you're a twin

00:03:25Yeah, okay. Yeah, so she had an accident

00:03:29What does that like in the neck?

00:03:31Yeah, like I don't know what happened because I've gotten like very different stories like

00:03:39the first thing that I heard was that the nurse that was supposed to look after her went for a coffee and

00:03:47Then

00:03:48My sister was without oxygen for a while and that affected her brain

00:03:54like she had a how do you call it a hemorrhage in the brain and

00:03:59She lost like

00:04:01Nowadays, she can't control her legs really well

00:04:03And she's hot she has a hand that can't she can't control either and did she end up with mental disabilities as well?

00:04:10or a physical

00:04:12And it's it's all physical. It's all physical. Okay. Yeah

00:04:17Later on my grandma like this is when I was already like 21

00:04:22My grandma told me that a different story that the day that I was meant to get out of the NICU

00:04:29My sister was supposed to still be there, but the hospital mixed her names and she was out

00:04:36when she was supposed to and

00:04:38my mom

00:04:40Well, my parents basically got in the car to pick me up and when they got there

00:04:45They like were shown with the situation that like they didn't have messed up and my sister had had the

00:04:54the problem and

00:04:57And yeah, like it was permanent

00:04:59Wow

00:05:00Blink is talking about so I guess what your your sister was still in in danger of having the hemorrhage and then she was

00:05:07Not attended to either through mistake or the nurse getting a coffee. She was not attended to

00:05:13When she was supposed to be attended to and I suppose the hemorrhage happened and

00:05:17She didn't get the treatment or whatever. They needed to do in time or is it something like that?

00:05:23Yeah, I think so. I like as far as I know like

00:05:27the result was that now she's got like a valve that connects her brain and her heart and

00:05:33Like she needs that to leave and yeah, she's in a wheelchair

00:05:38Gosh that's uh, that's just terrible and it just you know, these these kinds of mistakes and and the lifelong consequences

00:05:46It's just it's just appalling, you know, people don't know just I mean a lot of people don't know just how dangerous it is to

00:05:52Be around health care professionals. Yeah, like medical error is like one of the leading causes of death

00:05:59And it's it's just horrendous. I don't exactly know the cause and I don't I think it's getting worse for obvious reasons, but

00:06:05That's terrible. I'm so sorry

00:06:09Yeah, like the thing is like for me like it didn't really matter like I just saw my sister growing up, you know as herself and

00:06:16I I

00:06:18I remember like I I spend like tons and tons of hours just playing with her and it was amazing

00:06:26Sorry, what do you mean? It didn't matter?

00:06:29as in like

00:06:32I

00:06:34I

00:06:36Learned to do things differently because of her being in a wheelchair

00:06:41But it was cool in a way because we had to like be a bit more creative at times

00:06:48So it didn't tell me what I'm sorry, I'm still trying to understand what what you mean when you say it didn't matter I

00:06:56Mean it it was pretty sad, right?

00:06:58Oh

00:07:03Like you understand my my I'm a little surprised that there's nothing negative right nothing negative at all. I'm just

00:07:09You're heartbroken

00:07:11That your brother is moving away or has moved away, but it didn't matter that your daughter that your twin sister is paralyzed

00:07:23Like now that you said it does sound a bit strange but that's how I

00:07:28thought about it for most of my life like

00:07:32But it's miserable for her in some ways, right, I mean she doesn't get to have a normal life

00:07:36She doesn't get to dance. She doesn't get to play sports. It's gonna be tough for her to date

00:07:41I mean, it's it's there's a huge number of negatives. I'm sorry

00:07:45I mean, I'm simply surprised not because there's anything wrong with what you said. I'm just trying to

00:07:50Try to mesh it with what the content of your email is regarding heartbreak and siblings

00:07:56no car like

00:07:59I don't I don't feel that. Yeah that heartbreak

00:08:03Thinking about her most of the time. I rarely feel well, how's her? How is her life now?

00:08:08And do you just roughly I mean are you in your 20s or 30s or?

00:08:13Well, I'm closing in to 30 now pushing 30. All right, so you're pushing 30

00:08:17And so your sister is also pushing 30. Yeah, and how's her life?

00:08:22Well, as far as I know she like lives with my parents she got a degree she

00:08:30She's not working because nobody wants to hire her. I

00:08:34Don't think she's ever dated. I don't think she's happy

00:08:40She does do like a sport like a wheel wheelchair soccer that she likes

00:08:45So

00:08:49She's got no job she's got no future she lives with your parents and she's never dated. Yeah

00:08:57And how do you feel about that

00:09:00Yeah, I feel pretty disconnected with everything okay, right so I mean that's I

00:09:08Said I mean that's interesting right? I mean, it's an interesting dichotomy, right?

00:09:13But you're heartbroken about your brother who's having a successful life and

00:09:17you don't feel any particular sadness regarding your sister whose life is not successful and has no particular opportunity of

00:09:26Becoming successful, right? I mean, can she have children?

00:09:29Yeah, I don't know right, oh you don't even know don't know if she can have children I

00:09:35Think so, but I don't know but I mean if no one's gonna date her then right? Yeah

00:09:41Right, okay. I like growing up with the fear that they they were gonna like

00:09:49Like raise me to take care of her. Mm-hmm

00:09:52So I think that's a bit where like the disconnect comes from like I worry that oh

00:09:57If you care about her, then you're gonna end up having to take care of her. Yeah

00:10:02Cuz it actually happened for a while

00:10:06Go on and like that that same year that I like left my parents I was actually living with my sister, you know, I'm like

00:10:15A flat that was

00:10:17government paid for like for the most part

00:10:20Precisely for like they say well people to meet with like people that would help them and I just signed up with her

00:10:26to leave my parents and um, and

00:10:30They're like unwritten deal was that they pay the rent and I would take care of her and I had to like

00:10:40Like fight to get time off like to not go back because I was studying at the time

00:10:47So like to not go back and I cook her dinner and

00:10:51lunch every day

00:10:53Like I and to not like shower her every day and so I was like, I don't want to go back

00:11:00Stuff like that. All right, so she has trouble cooking for herself and bathing herself, right? Yeah. Yeah

00:11:08So like I had like it was a fight with with both my parents mostly my mom and they finally like accepted to like

00:11:16Come by sometimes and get external help like hired help

00:11:23But yeah, like they expected me to like fully take care of her

00:11:30And I was like scared because I didn't know you know, like a picture if I said

00:11:35Openly know that like my sister would feel really really hurt

00:11:41So she would like often talk to me and like say oh

00:11:44I were gonna be like together forever you and me and that would like scared me a lot

00:11:49Oh, so your sister thought that you would take care of her. I think so like she never said it like openly

00:11:57Well, if she said you guys are gonna be together forever I that would be somewhat of an indication, right

00:12:02yeah, I

00:12:04used to picture like my future like with my

00:12:07Like my house my husband my kids and then our room for her

00:12:17Yeah, no, it's a it's a very sad situation and

00:12:21Obviously, it's unfixable

00:12:24So, yeah, I mean my sympathies to the whole to the whole family for sure

00:12:30So what happened in 2020? You said you separated from your family, which again?

00:12:34I'm obviously sorry to hear about but I'm what's was there something in particular that happened?

00:12:38Was it an accumulation or or if you want to go further back? I mean probably the backstory is more important

00:12:44Regarding that with with what happened what else happened in your childhood?

00:12:50Well, I

00:12:52I have like the general sense without like not a lot of particular memories that I

00:12:59like my sister was put before me a lot of the time and

00:13:03um, I

00:13:06I assume that from that I get like the feeling of abandonment that comes so

00:13:13Often to me

00:13:16Like so, how did that manifest like how if there's a documentary footage right like what would what would it look like?

00:13:25Well, you're like your childhood and the putting putting your sister first

00:13:30Like for example, like there's this

00:13:33at nighttime, they would we would share a room me and my sister and

00:13:38she would always get like the last kiss or

00:13:41The last talking or she'd get like a stronger kiss and that would be like the case with my parents and my grandma

00:13:49And even if like I was sad and I would cry for my mom she like wouldn't come

00:13:58But she woke up every night for my sister

00:14:04What do you mean she woke up every night for your sister what does that mean?

00:14:08well, she

00:14:10My sister can or like but it wasn't strong enough to move on the bed. Mm-hmm if she wanted to like shift

00:14:18Oh, she would

00:14:20Ring a bell or contact your mother or something. Your mother would come and move her in the bed. Yeah

00:14:26Right, and that listen, I understand that's very tough. But honestly, it's way tougher for your sister, right?

00:14:31Yeah, I mean one of the ways that we can deal with envy or a feeling of being shortchanged is to say

00:14:38Well, would I want to be that person?

00:14:41Right, like I mean, would you want to have your sister's disability if it meant getting more attention from your parents?

00:14:48No, okay. So then you still won out, right?

00:14:52Yeah, you still you're still doing then I'm not saying that it's not painful to see more attention going to your sister

00:15:01But you know

00:15:02It's kind of like if if you're in a you're in a bus that crashes and and you have a gash on your arm

00:15:08And somebody's holding their own intestines and you say well, I feel ignored by the medics

00:15:13It's like well, but I'd rather have a cut on my arm that be holding my own intestines because of some horrible abdominal wound

00:15:20So you're still better off if that makes sense

00:15:25Yeah, yeah, I agree with that, okay

00:15:28And what else was going on and you shouted?

00:15:33Well, um

00:15:37There was this one time where like we had a cat and

00:15:42All we had various cats and there this one got sick and

00:15:48I

00:15:50Remember like to the point where she would pee herself and stuff. So I remember I like decided to shower her and

00:15:57She got there like really

00:16:00Agitated from it and I thought I was you know, I was giving her like the final blow and I was killing her

00:16:07and I was crying with the cat in front of me and

00:16:10My mom looked at me and just said that like I have to be strong for my sister

00:16:16Sorry, you were bathing a cat the cat got a cut

00:16:19So no, the cat had leukemia

00:16:22Leukemia. Yeah, she was dying. Oh my gosh. This is like the house of doom

00:16:27Okay, holy crap

00:16:30Yeah, like I literally thought that I yeah, I was I had killed her, you know, like she couldn't handle the stress of the shower

00:16:38Yeah, and I was just crying there and my mom

00:16:42Told me just to be strong for my sister. Mm-hmm. So like just not cry and

00:16:50Whenever I cried like my parents thought that I was trying to manipulate them

00:16:56And

00:16:58I don't know why but that's like never stopped me from crying and I just like I have like easy tears

00:17:07And it's hard because

00:17:09On times I like I'm thankful that I can like express them, but it's also like it feels very lonely

00:17:17And I don't know why

00:17:19Like it's just so hard to accept when I'm sad

00:17:26You

00:17:27Yeah, you know, I mean these kinds of situations is very tough for families. We're certainly not evolved to deal with this stuff

00:17:35right, I mean if if you're

00:17:38If your sister like I don't know even even a couple of hundred years ago

00:17:42Even even probably two hundred years ago. Your sister would have just died

00:17:46mm-hmm and

00:17:49We have

00:17:51The same thing happens with soldiers, right? I mean

00:17:54One of the things that's tough about modern warfare is the battlefield medicine has gotten so good

00:17:59That people who absolutely would not have survived even 20 years ago now survive

00:18:05You know with like missing limbs and and like all kinds of crazy stuff

00:18:09And so we have this technology to to keep people alive

00:18:14that in the past, I mean just wouldn't have made it and

00:18:18And that is something we're really not evolved to to deal with or to handle and so

00:18:25everybody's just kind of inventing the wheel so to speak as

00:18:28as it goes forward because there's just

00:18:31There's no precedent for it in our evolution for people who are

00:18:36That's unwell to to make it to to survive

00:18:41So yeah, I sympathize with everyone involved. It's it's it's

00:18:45It's unprecedented in our

00:18:47Species to to have to deal with a lot of this stuff and nobody really knows how to do it

00:18:52And we're certainly not really evolved

00:18:54to

00:18:55to deal with it I

00:18:57Certainly within like and also because if there was care to be had usually it would be had in some specialized institution

00:19:04Right rather than at home right because there's a lot of in-home technology that can allow all of this

00:19:09Stuff to happen, right? I mean even wheelchairs aren't that a

00:19:13a relatively new obviously in terms of our overall evolution and so man, that's what there's ways of

00:19:21Of key of keeping people going and functioning that is so new that we just haven't evolved with any sort of particular

00:19:28Emotional capacity to deal with this kind of stuff and I've really I sympathize with everyone involved. That's a very a

00:19:35Very tough situation. Of course, it's the toughest most of all

00:19:38on on your sister who faces a life of

00:19:43I mean, what does what does she do as a whole? I mean, does she I mean, she's not working right? She's not dating

00:19:48What's her? What's her day like?

00:19:50like when

00:19:52when I live with her she used to

00:19:56study and

00:19:58she likes to play video games and listen to music and

00:20:04Sometimes she made up

00:20:06Made up with a classmate or stuff like that. I'm not sure what she does now. I know she has a dog

00:20:13right

00:20:15But I I kind of like I mean, it's just killing time stuff, right?

00:20:19I mean the studying without any particular purpose is just kind of killing time

00:20:23Video games. I mean, I think that can be helpful for some things in terms of brain that can be helpful in strategy games

00:20:30They could be helpful in training reflexes and quick decision-making and so on

00:20:34But there's no if there's no place to apply those skills then they are just kind of killing time, right? Mm-hmm

00:20:41Yeah, she like the last time like when I live with her. She she ended up

00:20:47Shouting one night saying that like she was suicidal and she'd rather just end it all. Oh

00:20:52And how old was she then?

00:20:54And this was when we were

00:20:5823 24

00:21:00Gosh and did something in particular bring that on or was it just like the hopelessness of this this kind of life that I'd be

00:21:07again, I could deeply sympathize with I

00:21:10Think she just didn't like her everyday life

00:21:14Like she got into like a study program that she didn't really want but my dad pressured her to do

00:21:21and like every day was kind of like

00:21:24heavy for her

00:21:27Like there wasn't much yoga in it

00:21:34And now she's back living with your parents, right

00:21:37Yeah

00:21:39Okay, it's there and I would assume of course that you were closer when you were younger

00:21:43And then when you got older and you started to get more into socializing outside the home

00:21:49You got a peer group you had some interest in boys and from boys

00:21:53That your lives began to diverge in your teens, is that was that the case or was it something else

00:22:01Yeah, that's that's pretty much the case then like after we hit like 20 we kind of like

00:22:08Joined a bit more over like not wanting to be with my parents

00:22:12Either of us and then like every all the time at home. It was me and her

00:22:17And

00:22:20We started to like go out more but my parents it was weird because they kind of like

00:22:24Pushed me to do it. Once I remember they even offered me money to spend time with my sister. Sure. I

00:22:32Mean they're desperate right and I mean the emotional pain is enormous for parents who have to deal with this kind of stuff

00:22:41Yeah, well I

00:22:43Like they didn't share I just assume it's like now that I have a baby it's I can't picture what they went through

00:22:53Sorry, you can picture

00:22:55Like I can't picture that amount of pain, right, right

00:22:59you know you have kids in order to launch them out into the world and have them have their own lives and

00:23:04Doesn't look like that's really gonna happen for your sister much, right?

00:23:07Yeah

00:23:09I do feel like judgmental of them at the same time though when I have like a lot of anger. Yes, go on

00:23:19Because I I remember my dad like

00:23:23at times

00:23:25like we were spanked as children and I do have like pictures of my dad once he stopped spanking he would still

00:23:33approach us like, you know, like

00:23:37I guess the word is like men and menacingly

00:23:41like, you know like with a patent race or a fist race and he would do it a lot with and

00:23:46At that time. She didn't have like a motorized wheelchair. I mean sorry with my sister and

00:23:51at that at that time she didn't have a motor wheelchair, so

00:23:56She would just freeze

00:23:59And I can see like her face of terror

00:24:06And it's like I can't but that also kind of like disconnects me from feeling

00:24:12empathetic towards

00:24:14their pain and their situation

00:24:19Yeah, I mean obviously it's it's pretty rough mentally to picture a

00:24:24father hitting a

00:24:26disabled child

00:24:28Mm-hmm. I mean you as well, of course, right, but I mean it's even harsher in the mind

00:24:34to think of a father who is

00:24:37Hitting a disabled child. That's very tough

00:24:42And how often with these spankings or these and with the hitting open hand or closed hand or with implements or

00:24:49He I remember open hand like when on the butt. Mm-hmm

00:24:55Yeah, I don't remember like ever him using any kind of tool or anything

00:25:01And how often would these spankings occur? I

00:25:05I don't remember. I just remember like I think what was the last time that he hit me

00:25:11because he left a mark on my butt and my mom told him and then they were kind of like I

00:25:18Don't know if they were a whore or horrified or surprised

00:25:22But I think they stopped then because I had like a 3d print. Oh, it's hands

00:25:26Oh gosh, so he hit you hard enough to leave a bruise in the shape of his hand

00:25:31Yeah, yeah, that's hard

00:25:33Like the touch of it like it was warm and I remember the bumps. Yeah

00:25:39Wow, and how old were you roughly then?

00:25:42I'm not sure. Like I have the the idea that it's three years old, but I I don't I don't really know

00:25:51And did you did your mother stay home with you and your sister and brother

00:25:57No, she was a teacher

00:26:00And so she should go to work until she got like an operation but by then we were already like preteens

00:26:10And sorry who took care of you like a series of nannies

00:26:17like

00:26:19Maybe like five or six different nannies. Huh?

00:26:23So wasn't she just taking her paycheck and handing it over to the nanny?

00:26:28Yeah, and it didn't make too much sense because like I don't think they liked the nannies either and

00:26:34I'd remember the last one yelled a lot

00:26:38So, why do you think your mother went to work if it didn't really make much economic sense

00:26:46I'm not sure. I think she wasn't happy with us

00:26:51Like I remember our house being

00:26:54Like full of people but nobody really talking

00:27:00Hmm

00:27:04Do your parents enjoy each other's company

00:27:08No, actually like I know my like my brother talked to them last week for the first time in years and they're separated now

00:27:14Oh gosh, okay, and they weren't so there wasn't like a golden era of parents getting along when you were younger

00:27:21Not that I recall, right?

00:27:23and

00:27:25Was silence you said you've got this memory of silence. Was that a pretty strong characteristic?

00:27:31Yeah, I remember like

00:27:33When and this is something that I discovered like I shared with my brother because we I didn't know

00:27:39Not like when we heard my dad come from work like the key sound at the door. We would just run and

00:27:46freeze

00:27:47and

00:27:49It happened like after we moved out

00:27:52That I like we still bolted with the sound of keys like, you know

00:27:56It kind of like got us out of whatever we were doing. So you felt this fear when your dad came home

00:28:02Yeah, for sure

00:28:04Now was that because he was just this intimidating

00:28:07Negative upset or angry like what was it? That was scary about your dad that had you run when he came home

00:28:13I mean you want your kids to run when you come home, but to you not away, right?

00:28:17So what was it that had you running away?

00:28:20I

00:28:23Like I think he'd gel a lot and he asked uncomfortable questions like

00:28:31Maybe it was just all like what did you learn at school today?

00:28:35And you know, it doesn't sound like too bad, but he was never satisfied with the answer

00:28:40Yeah, so if you've just been goofing around and he comes home and it says what have you been doing?

00:28:45You know, I've been solving quadratic equations and splitting the atom like to satisfy him, right?

00:28:51Yeah, right

00:28:54Yes, all these perfectionists who demand a gain of knowledge in their children never seem to study parenting

00:29:00hmm

00:29:01That's like one thing. I asked him like because he said after you know, like when we were already adults

00:29:09like that like he doesn't think he's done the best job and

00:29:13And

00:29:14Like I would ask him like did you look you know for solutions answers?

00:29:19And his response was to you like yell at me that he's not a monster. Oh

00:29:24So he said I didn't I didn't do the best job and I also demanded my children learn things every day

00:29:30But I never bothered looking into parenting and when you ask him, did you look into parenting?

00:29:35He yells at you that he's not a monster. That's not exactly opposing the idea that he's a monster

00:29:41Yeah

00:29:43Okay, and

00:29:47Your mother

00:29:49Um

00:29:51Well, my mom

00:29:53She got sick

00:29:55When I was like around 10

00:29:58Had an operation and like she was um, she's got like permanent consequences because of it

00:30:04And it affects I don't know. Okay, she won't details, but I do I do want details if that's right

00:30:11It affects it like her colon and she had to had a portion taken up. Uh-huh

00:30:17Now she wears like a bag on her tummy. Oh a colostomy bag, right? There we go. Yeah

00:30:23Yeah, I remember I was at a gym

00:30:26When I was younger and there was a guy who would shower with a colostomy bag

00:30:30And I just remember obviously having sympathy and also having admiration for you know, he's not staying home

00:30:35He's going to the gym like good for him, right? But yeah, it's it's tough for sure

00:30:39Yeah, like she quit teaching because of it like she could have gone back but she didn't want to

00:30:47When I asked her about it, she said she's like

00:30:50You don't wanna like go to the school bathroom to get cleaned up

00:30:54Like she didn't think it was like she just didn't like it and she had the other

00:31:00Sure, yeah, I

00:31:03Remember being afraid that she would die in the operation and I would like write to her letters

00:31:08You know asking like because I don't know why they didn't take me to the hospital to see her

00:31:12But I remember she stayed there for like a long time

00:31:15And you know what the issue was with her intestines or her colon?

00:31:21No, no, I don't really know. I would assume it's like stress-related, but I

00:31:27Don't know

00:31:28like so you don't know if it's like Crohn's or something else or was it cancer or

00:31:35No, no idea, I don't know

00:31:37That's interesting, okay, I mean I can understand not wanting to frighten your children when that you're young, but I don't know

00:31:44It's important to know what your parents medical issues are right because a lot of them are genetic

00:31:50Yeah

00:31:51Like I would ask her but she would be like very generic or just

00:31:58Not really want to talk about it

00:32:00And what makes you think it was stress? I mean was she very susceptible to stress at that time?

00:32:06Yeah, like I remember her yelling a lot as well and

00:32:12They with this really high pitch tone

00:32:15Like a screeching kind. Oh, yeah, that stuff is like nails on the blackboard, right? Yeah, it's real screechy. Yeah. Yeah

00:32:22and

00:32:24Yeah, like this general feeling that she wasn't happy

00:32:27I also don't think she slept really good between my waking up with my sister and

00:32:32And yes, I guess she drunk like plenty of beer as well

00:32:39So I think she slept really good

00:32:42Yeah, and that certainly can weigh you down over time for sure for sure

00:32:45Yeah, they both looked like really tired when they were like, this isn't me. Yeah, you know, no, no

00:32:52Elderly people for sure. It sounds like I mean, I obviously don't want to tell you your experience

00:32:57But it it seems like a very sort of joyless

00:33:01Serious negative slightly dangerous or maybe not so slightly dangerous household

00:33:08Yeah, like

00:33:11Right now like and I would like some answers, but like I I don't see the

00:33:16the

00:33:18Advantages of like reaching out and talking to them. I think pyramids like still really afraid of them

00:33:25Well, let's see, sorry, what was do you do you have memories of

00:33:30Fun and silliness and goofiness and joy in in your household growing up. I

00:33:38Remembered some birthday parties like for some reason they really liked making them big and

00:33:45Well, that's a status thing, right? Like then the neighbor's kids are coming over and they want to look good. I assume I could be wrong

00:33:52me

00:33:53just like they would like think about fun games and like play dress-up and

00:33:58You know like encourage us to make like fun invitations and stuff like that and that was fun. We also had like

00:34:05Fun toys like that. I would play with my sister. No. No, I mean with your parents. I mean

00:34:10Did your parents have I mean did they have any joy or or take pleasure in your company or seek you out or?

00:34:19Enjoy conversations or interactions that there was there any lightness or joy in in the household that you remember?

00:34:28Not that I've recall

00:34:31Hmm Dower, yes, it's like some Ibsen play. Yeah, okay

00:34:37And did that change at all did the mood lighten when you got older or

00:34:42No, I got way worse. Oh, it got worse. Oh gosh. Yeah, I remember like

00:34:48Like when I started going to like a different school and getting the bus, I would just stay

00:34:54away as long as I could and

00:34:57there was a time where I just

00:34:59like

00:35:00Went away from home. I'm like at 7 a.m. And didn't come back until like 10 p.m. Oh

00:35:07So you like extracurricular and friends and so on you just stay away from home as much as possible, right?

00:35:13Yeah, and like when I went home it was like getting food ready for the next day walking my dog and sleep. Right, right

00:35:21And how long did that go on for?

00:35:24I'd say

00:35:26around

00:35:28Four years or so and from what ages were

00:35:33well, I started

00:35:36Around and then at 16 is when I started going to a school further away and I would start like

00:35:43Going out on weekends and I will ask my mom to like

00:35:48Sleep out, but she would say no all the time

00:35:51So then I just stopped asking her and I would stay away weekends by the time I was like, yeah 16 17

00:35:59Without telling them where I was. So you've gone all weekend and they don't know really where you are. Yeah

00:36:06Where were you? I

00:36:08Was usually sleeping at a friend's after like being out

00:36:14Sorry after what after like going out somewhere

00:36:18and then just staying in in the friend's house for the weekend and

00:36:23Then I started to be sexually active. So then I started going out with boys

00:36:28Yeah, I mean, it's it's very dangerous. Obviously, you know that right? I mean very dangerous doesn't mean that bad things happen, but if you're

00:36:37Away from home and don't want to be home home is safe and and so on and there's nothing wrong

00:36:42Of course with with going out as a teenager, but if you're compelled to stay away

00:36:47You are gonna put yourself in

00:36:50Significant risk as a whole did anything bad happen over the time that you were gone or did you manage to luck out?

00:36:57No, I'm like nothing super bad like I it just I I ended up like sleeping around

00:37:07And but like nothing

00:37:11nothing

00:37:12abusive beyond that I

00:37:15Remember like I had one night that was like a blackout and

00:37:18That's where like I I learned how much to drink if that makes sense enough to like

00:37:24Not have that ever again, but like they they didn't care like, um

00:37:29my mom picked me up from my friend's house and

00:37:33And I was I don't remember this but she told me like I was counting the month

00:37:37I was gonna be grounded while I was getting into the car

00:37:40Mm-hmm

00:37:42And she drove me home and when I heard that I just like got straight and I look better and I walked up

00:37:50to my bedroom

00:37:53And she told me that laughing and I was like I literally have no memory of this, you know, like I don't know

00:38:02And how many boys do you think you slept with over this sort of four years 16, I guess 16 to 20 time period

00:38:08Well, I've counted it and

00:38:12It's like I felt a bit embarrassed but it's like it's 14 boys and then I go

00:38:22Okay, okay and were any of these longer-term relationships or they've mostly one night stands I

00:38:28had about maybe

00:38:31four or five long term

00:38:34And what was the longest

00:38:37The longest was the last which was an open relationship for three years

00:38:44And what I just were you there? I

00:38:47Was already in college

00:38:50from 20 to 23

00:38:54And can you tell me a little bit about

00:38:57Where do you sorry? Where do you think there? Where do you think the promise you really came from?

00:39:02I

00:39:05Think I I

00:39:10Thought that was how I would know like somebody loved me

00:39:18Right, I mean you would experiment with that and then I would assume that you didn't get love that way, right? Yeah

00:39:24I just kept thinking that I was doing something wrong

00:39:28What do you mean? Oh that you if you if you slept with a guy better, he'd love you

00:39:33Yeah

00:39:36And did you get any advice on dating or sexuality or anything from your parents

00:39:42Yeah, well, I remember like two things I don't know if I'd call them like advice but my dad asked me

00:39:50after I had lost like I wrote a year after I had lost my virginity if I knew what a condom was and

00:39:57And

00:39:59My mom yelled at me for having boys over while she was awake

00:40:08So that's nothing useful at all, right

00:40:10So it's funny like your mother's a teacher and your dad's very concerned about the knowledge you're getting but they don't teach you anything about dating

00:40:16sex or boys

00:40:17Yeah

00:40:19It's terrible. I'm so sorry. I mean

00:40:21I'm so sorry that that you were I mean, but you raised by the internet basically

00:40:27Yeah

00:40:29I'm so sorry

00:40:33I mean, it's it's it's absolutely awful really to me that we have tens of thousands of years of social and

00:40:42Wisdom and advice evolution and just one generation

00:40:47Just says now forget it. We're not teaching them anything

00:40:50They're just gonna have to figure it out on their own and it's like good lord that be like wiping all of our scientific and and

00:40:58Mathematical and medical knowledge like wiping all human knowledge and saying yeah to hell with these kids

00:41:03They can figure out how to read and write they can invent their own language. They can invent their own numbers

00:41:07They just we're not teaching them anything and it's just wild to me that this this complete

00:41:13erasure of all of this

00:41:16Development of wisdom over the course of human evolution in history tens of thousands of years of hard-won knowledge

00:41:23Just one generation says screw it. We're not passing it along

00:41:27They could figure it out for themselves and you know, like everybody who has to raise themselves

00:41:31It's a it's a pretty pretty damn tough job, right?

00:41:36Like

00:41:38like something like that like scares me more that it's like I

00:41:43Have a cousin that started like

00:41:48Wanting to play sexual games that like when we were super super young

00:41:54And

00:41:56And my parents knew my grandma knew and nobody did anything

00:42:03And like I know like he introduced porn to my brother for the first time

00:42:10Now how old was your brother

00:42:13Sorry, how old was your brother at that point? I think girl I

00:42:19Don't I don't really know maybe

00:42:22In my head, there's a number eight, but I'm not sure I could be wrong about that but for young, right?

00:42:29Yeah, too young, right? I think it would show us like violent very very violent like

00:42:35Videos as well. Oh my god. I'm like my parents didn't do anything. They would just like

00:42:41Yell at him when he would get like on top of me and do stuff that they didn't like

00:42:48And I don't know what happened to him I

00:42:51Don't know like my parents know

00:42:54But it's like if I notice that something was weird, I bet they know

00:42:58At least something and so you when you say you don't know what happened to him he just stopped getting invited over

00:43:06No, like in the sense like if something what happened in the past, okay, okay

00:43:10That he would act that way like who showed him the kind of games he played right like with me

00:43:19Yeah, I mean obviously I would have no doubt that that would be the result of virulent sexual abuse

00:43:27Like horrendous horrendous stuff

00:43:36And how long did that go on for

00:43:39Like

00:43:43I

00:43:45Think until like late teens

00:43:48I was like 10 years or more. This creep was around like grabbing at you and jumping on you and

00:43:56Yeah, I would I would seem like once a year maybe twice, okay

00:44:01But it would yeah, it would be

00:44:05like

00:44:06Whenever I saw him

00:44:09He would like make seek me out

00:44:12and

00:44:15And it's just like

00:44:18Though I'm a bit like

00:44:20Embarrassed to admit this but at times like it made me feel special and I think it's linked with the promiscuity afterwards

00:44:27You know cuz he would play a lot with my brother and I would try to play with them

00:44:32Normal game and he would be like no boys with boys and girls with girls

00:44:36But then the other games he would play with me. So I'd be like, oh, okay. So like, you know, this is

00:44:44How like it works

00:44:46Well

00:44:48And also he would know that you're unprotected, right

00:44:52Yeah, that's your father and it would really be more the father's job that your father

00:44:58Wouldn't grab him

00:44:59by

00:45:01the hair pull him off you and take him straight to a psychologist and say

00:45:07Please find out what's happening with this boy because it's vile

00:45:12And it's like no like I just feel so hungry with my parents and I can't even picture like having a conversation

00:45:19with them, you know

00:45:21Because it's like there's too much stuff and like I don't want it to be on me to bring up

00:45:28Well, what what do you think would happen

00:45:31With this kind of conversation if you were to bring up the things you're talking about with me

00:45:35What do you think would happen with your parents?

00:45:38I picture they're like either start yelling or just like pop out

00:45:46Like I picture my mom just nodding and not saying anything

00:45:54And my dad denying it

00:45:59So your dad would gaslight you and call you a liar if you brought this stuff up

00:46:02If you brought this stuff up not like outright but just kind of like well, like what are you talking about like

00:46:11That makes no sense

00:46:15Well, that's a cowardly calling you a liar, right

00:46:19Yeah

00:46:20Like not even having the guts to say you're lying, but oh, that's crazy

00:46:25What are you talking about? I just gaslight again and denying in a way but without calling you a liar

00:46:31Yeah, right

00:46:36Right and

00:46:38Did you ever have or did you have conversations with your parents before 2020?

00:46:43When you split did you did you have conversations with them about anything to do with your childhood?

00:46:50Yeah, sometimes like I

00:46:54I

00:46:56Remember I tried to reach out a couple times like I I wrote them letters

00:47:04Because by the time I hit my teens my dad would like home

00:47:08Slap my butt and tell me that I that I reminded him of my mom

00:47:15What yeah

00:47:19And

00:47:21When I wore my first dress to like a party for a school, he said that I looked like

00:47:27Like a prostitute waiting for clients at the bar. Oh gosh, and I wrote to him a letter saying then like, you know

00:47:35hurt me

00:47:39And I'm sorry

00:47:42And when

00:47:43Before leaving I had a phone call with him

00:47:46Like I reminded him of that and that's one of the instances where he said that he didn't do the best job

00:47:56Right, and that was it but he didn't have those things properly

00:48:02Sorry, he didn't want how he didn't handle things properly, right, right. I

00:48:06Think that's me. That's certainly true

00:48:08I

00:48:15Don't know it's fine if he wants to say that but like that like that's it

00:48:21Like I

00:48:26And did you mention it all about slapping your butt and saying you remind him of your mom you sold the letter

00:48:35That was in the letter yeah, yeah

00:48:39And did he ever address that? No

00:48:44My gosh, that's monstrous and

00:48:47Like last week my when my brother talked with them. He said

00:48:51no

00:48:53like

00:48:54They still love us and they're still calling our numbers, but like we don't even have those numbers anymore

00:49:03And I'm doing

00:49:06It's like

00:49:09Like I feel so like powerless and so frustrated I say it's like what and what are they doing like

00:49:18What do you mean?

00:49:20like

00:49:24Like what why are they calling a number that doesn't work? It's kind of like

00:49:32Like loving us instead of loving you

00:49:41And what makes you think that they're capable of love

00:49:51I mean I you kind of need to shake this off a little my friend. I mean you've you've got a baby, right?

00:49:57How old's your baby?

00:49:59Right. All right. Can you imagine in a year or two?

00:50:03Hitting that baby so hard that you leave a five-fingered imprint

00:50:08bruise on that baby's but

00:50:11No

00:50:13You can't imagine that at all right your tender trusting loving baby that came out of your body whack

00:50:21It's like like they love us when we were little

00:50:25No

00:50:28Sorry say that again

00:50:30like I

00:50:32Apparently thinks that they did love us when we were little because they whenever they're weak like our younger cousins

00:50:39Their face lights up and they want to play with them and they I don't know cuz I don't remember

00:50:46But I didn't mind didn't they feel similar about us when we were little right?

00:50:51And I said, I don't know like what change

00:50:55You mean so sorry, let me make me sure I understand this so your parents enjoy playing with your younger cousins not with you

00:51:03Yeah, now do you know why that so you think it's because they loved your younger cousins, but not you and you were doing something wrong

00:51:12No, I just I

00:51:14Just I don't know what changed

00:51:17Sorry, you don't I'm just sorry. I'm sorry to be dense

00:51:20You don't know what changed between their affection for your younger cousins and you

00:51:26Know like I think they loved us when we were little

00:51:30You mean when your father hit you so hard. He left an imprint on your butt at the age of three

00:51:34You think that's compatible with love? I'm sorry. I'm trying to understand what you're saying here

00:51:39You think you could love a child and beat it like that?

00:51:42No, then help me understand. What are you talking about?

00:51:45I

00:51:46Don't think it's rational, but I have like this believe that like when we were

00:51:51More little than that. They did love us. Why and why why would you think that? I mean, I understand why you might need

00:51:59to feel that as a as a kid because you just got a you got a Stockholm syndrome bond with the abusers, but

00:52:07now now I

00:52:10Can't picture like not loving my baby

00:52:14You can't picture not loving your baby. Yeah. Yeah, but you're not your parents

00:52:20Yeah, right you're not your parents

00:52:29Right

00:52:31You can't picture

00:52:33Hitting your child your toddler. You can't picture hitting your toddler so hard that it leaves raised welts on the toddler's buttocks

00:52:42But that's what your father did

00:52:45So they're different right? Yeah

00:52:50They're cold they're cruel they're mean and their affection for your cousins, you know what that's all about

00:52:59Well, it's cruelty

00:53:05It's cruelty because what it does is it says to you kids

00:53:09Your sister and your brother and you it says hey, look at that

00:53:13We're perfectly capable of being kind and affectionate and sweet and playful

00:53:19It's just that you know, there's something wrong with you

00:53:22But we don't do it with you

00:53:30I mean, come on that there you must know and I'm sure that this happened in your family, right?

00:53:36You must know that parents who are cruel to their children are really really nice when other people come over, right?

00:53:43Yeah, that's called camouflage and it's also part of the cruelty. It's saying hey, we can be nice. We just not gonna do it with you

00:53:51Yeah

00:53:54You know like the guy who's who's screaming at his wife

00:53:59The doorbell rings and he's sweet as sugar, right?

00:54:03Hey, how's it going what's new neighbor blah blah blah, right? I

00:54:08Mean this that's common as dirt, isn't it?

00:54:11Yeah, like I get that like intellectually, but I

00:54:17Don't know how to like

00:54:22Just like accept it and find closure

00:54:27What do you mean by fine closure

00:54:33Can only

00:54:36Let go

00:54:39I don't know what that means either you're gonna have to use slightly less therapy speak. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm sorry

00:54:46My apologies

00:54:48In a practical sense, it's like um

00:54:54Like I don't want my parents in my life, right

00:54:57But no like my brother was talking with them the other day

00:55:03And I'm

00:55:05Then like I start questioning myself

00:55:08You know, like is there like a way I could reach out like do I want to reach out?

00:55:13Do I want to see where they're at?

00:55:16Because like paramedic hell no, like I don't want them anywhere near my baby. I don't want them even to know

00:55:22That there's a baby. Okay, so

00:55:26the difference of

00:55:29The many differences between my approach and other people's approach is I am a moralist, right?

00:55:37Okay

00:55:41Are your parents as a whole immoral?

00:55:47Yes, okay

00:55:52Were the things that they did that were evil

00:55:56Yes, yeah, I mean yes assaulting a baby assaulting a toddler is evil

00:56:05Inviting over a kid who's half molesting your daughter is

00:56:10Evil and

00:56:12You're obviously not doing anything to protect the daughter and inviting a creep over who's showing your children violent

00:56:18Videos and pornography to your eight-year-old son and not monitoring protecting is evil

00:56:26Right

00:56:27Yeah, slapping your daughter's butt and saying when she's a teenager is

00:56:31evil

00:56:33It's a violation of personal space and an abuse of power and deeply creepy

00:56:41I mean he wouldn't do that to some woman on the street, would he I don't think so. No

00:56:51Being super nice

00:56:54To people during birthday parties or when other people come over or to your cousins is deeply immoral

00:57:01Because it is part of gaslighting your children

00:57:11So, are you hoping that

00:57:14unrepentant immoral people will wake up tomorrow with a conscience and

00:57:19virtue and the light of goodness in their heart

00:57:24I

00:57:26Think no

00:57:29But I just

00:57:31Like I just I don't want them in my life, but then I give my brother

00:57:36Starts talking with them

00:57:39Like chooses to talk with them without like talking but your brother can only talk to your parents by lying to your parents

00:57:51Because your parents

00:57:54Will only accept conversations that are full of lies

00:58:00Because when you try telling the truth to your parents what happened

00:58:07Like they just yell

00:58:09Well, your mother fades out your father escalates right gaslights and if you persist he blows up, right?

00:58:17so the price of having any contact with your parents is

00:58:21You is to lie to falsify

00:58:25well

00:58:26to pretend

00:58:28that things are true that are false and to pretend that things are false that are true and

00:58:34to pretend that evil things never happened and

00:58:39Evil was never done and there are no perpetrators

00:58:43So that's not a relationship that's just self-erasure

00:58:46Yeah

00:58:49So I'm trying to sort of fathom do you is your theory that your parents were moral

00:58:57When you couldn't remember anything they did but the moment you started remembering what they did. They just became immoral

00:59:05Sounds ridiculous, but yes, no. No, that's your theory though, right and I'm not trying to ridicule you. I'm trying to be clear

00:59:12Your theory is well everything I can't remember is moral and everything I can remember is immoral or a lot of it

00:59:20So my theory is clearly

00:59:23that they were deeply moral before I can remember the things and

00:59:28Then immoral when I can remember things

00:59:34Are you kidding

00:59:37What are you thinking seriously

00:59:45Well, it certainly is true that my father was a bank robber from the moment I can remember

00:59:51but

00:59:52I'm sure that before I can remember. He was a wonderful charitable virtuous guy who wouldn't hurt a fly and never stole a thing

01:00:04What

01:00:06I feel like I'm one of those cartoon characters with a giant lump in his head and birds circling around his eyeballs

01:00:16Hey, yeah, I'm happy to hear the theory I really am because that would be fascinating

01:00:21That you like like Adam and Eve and like you just made him bad

01:00:27He was great

01:00:28and then the moment you started being able to remember things you had this magical power to strip him of empathy and replace his heart

01:00:34with a block of angry ice

01:00:37Hmm

01:00:40How what what amazing powers you had by developing a memory you made your father and mother bad people Wow

01:00:47Please don't do that on me. I'm begging you. Please don't use your witchy powers to make me bad

01:00:55You're like this child god of corruption your memory makes people bad

01:01:07I just don't want you to later back like when you think back on this conversation

01:01:11Then you'll be remembering it and that will turn me into a bad person like suddenly. I'll be I'll be out there

01:01:19Strangling hobos or whatever, right? So yeah, I just wanted to you know, please don't remember this convo because it'll make me a bad person

01:01:26Okay

01:01:27deal

01:01:29Good because that's your theory, right?

01:01:34Yeah

01:01:36It doesn't quite make sense

01:01:40So

01:01:42Now listen, I mean all joking aside, of course, I absolutely understand where you're coming from

01:01:53I completely didn't totally understand that that's a survival mechanism, right?

01:01:59Because if you're beaten black and blue by your father when you're three years old

01:02:06You're beaten black and blue by your father when you're three years old

01:02:10Well, honey, you got another decade and a half to go which is basically eternity for a child, right?

01:02:16Yeah

01:02:18So

01:02:20You have to in in order to retain any capacity to survive

01:02:25Mentally and maybe even physically

01:02:28You have to pretend

01:02:32That

01:02:34Your father has secret goodness in there and if you just find the right key you can unlock that golden heart and be loved

01:02:41Your fault he treats you badly and you just need to find a way to do what he wants and do what he says and unlock

01:02:48his golden heart so that he'll love you and

01:02:50Then you said about for the next 26 years

01:02:55Trying to do that, right?

01:02:57That's a survival mechanism, right?

01:03:00Yeah

01:03:03Totally understandable and I'm very very very glad that you had the wisdom to do that like great job seriously great freaking job

01:03:12Good for you, well done. Well done great, right?

01:03:23But I don't know how to like

01:03:26Like

01:03:28Like feel lovable you don't know how to feel lovable

01:03:33Yeah, like

01:03:36No, no, no

01:03:38So the way that you feel lovable and I mean this with all respect for your survival strategies

01:03:43Which I'm very glad you did and you're very wise to pursue

01:03:47In order to feel lovable, you just have to do one thing and one thing only and that's stop lying

01:03:53Because

01:03:55Stop lying and I again I say this not like you're some big liar. That was a necessary lie to survive

01:04:05Right, that was a necessary lie in order to survive but the longer you keep believing it the harder it is to feel loved

01:04:15Because if you feel like well

01:04:18Gosh my father and mother they're just they're capable of deep wonderful empathetic compassionate virtuous love. I

01:04:26Just couldn't they they were so impatient with me. I acted so badly

01:04:30I just I couldn't find a way to behave in a way that would unlock the doors to their heart. I

01:04:38Failed I'm unlovable these these people who so wonderfully capable of love

01:04:44Just couldn't love me cuz I'm bad, right

01:04:49I'm I'm difficult. I'm selfish. I

01:04:54Don't please people that these these giant glowing hearts of goodness and love and wonder and beauty and truth and virtue I

01:05:04was like this black hole sucking up all their star stuff into a

01:05:08Giant void of selfishness and resentment and distance and it's my fault. Yeah, right

01:05:15all this drama of

01:05:18lies

01:05:21They can't love because they beat toddlers black and blue

01:05:28They can't love

01:05:30Because they chose evil

01:05:33You beating a toddler black and blue to just take one of many examples failing to protect your children

01:05:41Failing to develop their heart failing to love them failing to give them useful instructions and virtue

01:05:47Tossing them out into a sea of teenage penises to try and find some way to float

01:05:55Failing to driving your teenage daughter out of the home

01:06:00To God knows where with God knows what

01:06:04That's deeply immoral

01:06:08It's vicious it's cold it's cruel it's dangerous it's dysfunctional it's monstrous in my opinion

01:06:20They weren't close to love but just happened to miss with you

01:06:23You

01:06:26Weren't responsible for the ashen deserts of your parents hearts

01:06:32That was long before you were born and it's long after you left

01:06:39It's the same

01:06:41That's a fact

01:06:44That's a fact it's not your fault

01:06:46You didn't do anything wrong

01:06:48you did

01:06:49What you did and you swallowed the big lie in order to survive because if you had

01:06:57Stood up as a child and said to your father dad got to tell you man got to be straight with you

01:07:07There's something seriously wrong with you

01:07:10Like you beat a toddler

01:07:13You yell at us we're terrified of you whenever you come home we flee

01:07:20Desperately don't want to be home

01:07:22You have this weird acidic block of ice where your heart should be. There's something fundamentally wrong with you and

01:07:29I don't know what you need go find Jesus go find a therapist go to anger management go deal with your childhood

01:07:35But you're a cold mean cruel

01:07:39angry person I

01:07:41don't like you and

01:07:44I also don't like that. You've tried to get me to believe that there's something wrong with me

01:07:50That's really the cruelest thing of all that a deficiency of love and virtue on your part

01:07:55You are trying to jam down my throat as a deficiency in

01:07:59Me that you as the parent are trying to make me as a child feel faulty for your own

01:08:06sick corruption

01:08:11Now if you had said something like that to your father what would have happened

01:08:16You

01:08:21Probably wouldn't kick me out of the house. Yes, I mean incredibly dangerous things would have happened because

01:08:28when you ally with a bad person's bad conscience, they react with extraordinary levels of violence or

01:08:35rejection or both

01:08:40So you can't say that and I'm glad you didn't

01:08:45So, what did you have to say instead you had to say Oh

01:08:49Father, I'm so very sorry that I'm deficient in

01:08:55Bringing the love forward that you possess within your heart

01:08:57I'm so sorry that I'm acting in a way that makes it very hard for you to love me

01:09:02I will try to do better. I will take it all on myself father. You are wonderful

01:09:07I am the problem and I will work my very very best

01:09:11To bring out the love that is embedded deep within your heart like a supernova just waiting for the right pin to be pulled out

01:09:17I

01:09:19Will take on all the problems. It's entirely me though. I am in fact only say

01:09:24Three, it's all me. I'm the problem in this relationship. You're the parent. I'm the toddler. It's all me

01:09:31so dad, oh

01:09:33I'm so sorry that I fail you every day

01:09:37I'm so sorry that I disappoint you every day. I

01:09:40Am so sorry that

01:09:42It's not that you have problems loving people. It's that you are wonderful at loving people

01:09:48I'm just unlovable and it is the case that it's true for all of your children. It's a weird coincidence that

01:09:55You as the father

01:09:57Who has this wonderful capacity to love has just mysteriously given birth to three children who flee when you come home

01:10:03It's like just bad luck bad luck. I understand but it is of course. It's myself

01:10:08It's my sister, it's my brother we are the ones who are a fault

01:10:12You are a perfect wonderful angel of virtue and we are the devil's running around in your feet

01:10:18constantly stubbing our toes on our own immorality and

01:10:22Forcing you I dare say forcing you

01:10:25Away from love the love that you have that you possess that you wish desperately to give to your children

01:10:31But we're just such arrogant little shits that you can't love us and I'm really sorry about that

01:10:36Obviously it has nothing to do with your parenting. It has nothing to do with your coldness or your cruelty

01:10:40It has nothing to do with the fact that mom preferred hanging out in a classroom than spending time with her own children

01:10:46It's nothing to do with the fact that we had five nannies some of whom yelled at us constantly all day

01:10:50It's nothing to do with any choices you've ever made

01:10:53It's nothing to do with the fact that you never studied the goddamn thing about parenting

01:10:56Which is the one job you're supposed to do and supposed to learn about it's not because you are violent

01:11:01It's not because you failed to protect us and brought

01:11:04predators sexual predators into the house who worked their very hardest to corrupt your children and

01:11:09Lord knows what happened to my brother when he was exposed to pornography at the age of eight

01:11:12It's nothing to do with anything. You've done

01:11:15You are a golden angel of perfect virtue

01:11:17And your children are just rancid little scabby devils rolling around in your feet and you're desperately trying to love us

01:11:22but we just

01:11:23All three of us coincidentally have just become bad or are bad or were born bad

01:11:28And we're just bad and you're perfect and it's all us

01:11:33Right, that's what you have to say, isn't it?

01:11:37Yeah, okay, here's a little hint you ready

01:11:41Yeah, stop saying it

01:11:46He's almost a half decade in the past you're free you're out

01:11:51Stop pacing around a six by nine cell

01:11:53When you're almost a half decade

01:11:55out

01:11:58Stop saying it. It's got no power over you

01:12:04You're an adult he's in the rearview

01:12:07What's he got? Can he beat you anymore? Nope. He beats you you call the cops. He goes to jail

01:12:13But i'm afraid he's he's gonna like find out where I leave and come

01:12:21Because he he followed me once trying to find out where I live, okay

01:12:26so

01:12:27He hasn't right?

01:12:29No, it's been

01:12:31Over four years, right?

01:12:33Yeah, okay, so he hasn't

01:12:36And i'm not trying to make you alarmed but rather give you comfort

01:12:41If he really wanted to find you what would he do

01:12:47Um

01:12:51Do it

01:12:52Actually find me. Well, he would just hire a private investigator and he'd have your name in a day

01:12:58Hmm

01:12:59I mean there are people who are experts and i'm not saying this to make you alarmed but rather to give you comfort

01:13:03He hasn't done that

01:13:06So he's not going to and of course you have the ultimate way to keep him away from you

01:13:11Which is to have a continued commitment to tell the truth

01:13:18With the one exception of someone telling me my father died my family hasn't contacted me in close to 25 years

01:13:25Why?

01:13:27Because they know that if they contact me, what am I going to say? What am I going to what am I going to speak?

01:13:34The truth yes, it's magic

01:13:39They don't contact me because some tell the truth

01:13:49It sounds too easy

01:13:53You are in danger

01:13:56Not because of your father or your mother but because of the lies that you're still telling yourself without necessity

01:14:03about your mother and your father

01:14:12It's not true it was just a survival mechanism

01:14:17Like honestly

01:14:18If a bear's chasing me through the woods and I have to run for 20 minutes to get to safety

01:14:23Is my story to myself

01:14:26Well, I guess I just got startled by a little bird and ran for nothing

01:14:33I guess i'm just a coward

01:14:37No, i'd be like well there was a bear so I had to run and there was danger so you had to lie sure

01:14:43sure

01:14:46But you're taking this

01:14:49This moral responsibility for the lies you were forced to tell

01:14:58You're taking moral responsibility for that like that's

01:15:01A choice you made or something real

01:15:03It's just I mean, it's just a necessary survival strategy, right?

01:15:11You know if if some criminal grabs

01:15:15Some woman and they demand to have some piece of information

01:15:20And she knows the cops are coming

01:15:22She doesn't give them that information. Where's your husband? We want to kill him. I don't know

01:15:26She knows exactly where he is, but she says I don't know why because she's under threat, right?

01:15:35Now if later she would say to herself

01:15:38Well, I really didn't know

01:15:41Then she'd be continuing the lie

01:15:43Beyond the threat, right?

01:15:49Or if she said to herself

01:15:51Well, I guess i'm just a liar

01:15:54I lied to those poor criminals when I really should have the virtue of telling the truth

01:16:01But like there's no virtue here there's no morals here there's survival

01:16:06I mean you wouldn't call the woman a liar if somebody with a gun to her head

01:16:10Asked where her husband was and she said I don't know when she did would you call her a liar?

01:16:15No

01:16:18So you had to lie and take on the burden of your father's dysfunction

01:16:23Sure, of course and and I assume your father's intelligent and perceptive so you had to really really believe that lie

01:16:31I mean if if you'd have said

01:16:34Yeah. Yeah, dad. I'm the bad one. You're the good one. I'm

01:16:38Wrong and you're right. You're always right and your kids are always wrong. Yeah, I get that dad. I'm

01:16:44I'm, just so terrible and unlovable and you're such a wonderful guy so capable of love

01:16:48It's just that your children are always doing things wrong. And that's why you can't love them blah blah blah blah

01:16:54Right, you're repeating the lie. Would you get punished?

01:17:01Sorry, I dozed off like for a moment i'm sorry

01:17:05I didn't hear the last bit. Sorry

01:17:07Well, if you were to repeat in a sarcastic tone the lie

01:17:12Oh dad, you're just so wonderful and perfect and your children are just so bad

01:17:15You just can't love them and it's all our fault and blah blah blah blah blah, right?

01:17:20If you would say that right?

01:17:24Would you get would your father be angry of course in that tone?

01:17:27Yeah

01:17:31Yeah, I can like see his face yeah, he would be like how dare you blah blah blah right

01:17:37Mock me. All right, he'd be he'd be angry because you would be repeating the lie, but not in a way

01:17:43that he

01:17:45Would accept so you have to inhabit and believe the lie

01:17:50You have to be like the marlin brando or the meryl streep of lying

01:17:54I'm i'm afraid of like

01:18:00Like facing that

01:18:03Um

01:18:09Like alone and like I have I have my fiance

01:18:15Yeah

01:18:23Mine's like it's hard to do like thinking about my brother like if I were to be that way and he would just leave

01:18:33Sorry, um, we get you to the heart of the matter and you're jumping topics

01:18:38What are we talking about your fiance your brother

01:18:41Uh, what are you doing? Why are you why are you misdirecting? Why are you why are you fogging? Why are you gaslighting me a little bit?

01:19:01You know if you if you're going to be a con

01:19:04Man or a con woman you have to go all in you can't wink wink pretend pretend you have to go all in and be

01:19:09Completely believable in order to con people, right?

01:19:13and in order to con yourself, which is necessary for survival with a

01:19:18And a violent and aggressive father and dangerous father

01:19:22You have to gaslight yourself

01:19:25You

01:19:37When I went to boarding school at the age of six

01:19:41I gaslit myself because the boarding school people didn't care about me

01:19:45So I had to gaslight myself and be real sentimental about my loving mother

01:19:49You

01:19:51Of course, I mean that's the natural survival mechanism. It's how you retain the capacity to pair bond you create a fantasy parent

01:19:59Rather than a real parent and that's probably why you can love

01:20:03Your child which is good. It's a good thing

01:20:10You know, I would lie in my bed at night at the age of six in the middle of nowhere in some violent cold

01:20:16boarding school

01:20:18and I would make up all these wonderful things my mother would would do or had did or

01:20:24Sure

01:20:34Now

01:20:38Who doesn't want you to accept the moral reality of your upbringing

01:20:49All my parents, right

01:20:55So as long as you deny moral reality you serve the corrupt now

01:21:02As a child

01:21:04You had to serve the corrupt

01:21:07So again, i'm not saying anything negative about your survival strategy

01:21:11Except that it's no longer needed

01:21:14And that which helped you is now harming you that which served you is now enslaving you

01:21:25And if you haven't talked to your parents in over four years

01:21:29It doesn't make much sense to me to continue to let them dominate

01:21:34your moral clarity

01:21:36And to feel you feel unlovable because corrupt people

01:21:41Didn't show you affection

01:21:47I mean if I go to a place

01:21:50Where no one speaks english

01:21:54Am I stupid because they don't understand me

01:21:57No, no

01:22:00I'm just in a situation where people don't speak english

01:22:04Where people don't speak english

01:22:10In the same way

01:22:12Are you unlovable because you're raised by people who can't feel love

01:22:19No, of course not

01:22:23Now

01:22:25In order to avoid

01:22:27Their own corruption, of course, they would try to convince you that it's your fault, right? Of course

01:22:35You

01:22:40That's inevitable

01:22:45And you had to believe it in order to avoid

01:22:49punishment

01:22:51And ostracism as a child. Yeah, you had to believe it

01:22:55And I completely applaud you for doing that

01:22:59But you don't have to believe it now, I mean your fiancee loves you, right? Yeah

01:23:05And your child loves you, right?

01:23:08I hope so

01:23:09I think so. Well

01:23:11Yes

01:23:12Or at least is bonded, right? I mean you're treating you're not whacking your child. You're not screaming at your child, right?

01:23:19Yeah, you're showing affection to your child and

01:23:22closeness to your child, so

01:23:24Your child is bonded with you, right?

01:23:28It's so weird like super hard to accept that they just live like that and they're

01:23:35You know

01:23:36for so many years

01:23:38Sorry, they just what?

01:23:39That they just choose to live like that for so many years

01:23:44And that they still do right and like they still got like a decent amount to go

01:23:54Sorry say again

01:23:56They still got like a decent amount of years to go. You know, they're not like mega old

01:24:01Your parents yeah, i'm sorry, why are we talking about your parents again my apologies

01:24:07It's like at times it's I I doubt it and it's hard to just

01:24:12Set my mind if that makes sense

01:24:15No, i'm so i'm not following

01:24:18So we're talking about the people who love you

01:24:21And you are back on your parents

01:24:24A little bit. Yeah a little bit. What do you mean? Why are you gaslighting me all this time?

01:24:30No, we started talking about your parents, right?

01:24:33They've still got a long way to go and they're not too old and right

01:24:37Yeah

01:24:38So we talk about the people

01:24:40Who love you?

01:24:42And then you gravitate to your parents

01:24:45Uh-huh. Why?

01:24:47Uh-huh, why

01:24:52It's like

01:24:54I still don't like fully accept that they don't love me

01:24:59Okay, so make the case. I'm i'm, you know, maybe i'm entirely wrong in my

01:25:05Evaluation and i'm certainly, uh happy to hear the case

01:25:10So what is the case

01:25:13that

01:25:16They could love you, but they don't

01:25:21Um

01:25:23Because like

01:25:27I'm not saying it's like fully rational, but it's like they themselves like are hurt and

01:25:33Like my grandparents are also like awful

01:25:37right

01:25:39So growing up with them like must have been like a nightmare

01:25:46And maybe like they

01:25:51Like I this sounds like

01:25:54No, make the case don't don't judge it. If this is the case you believe I want to hear it

01:25:59Maybe you'll convince me and i'll change everything that I do. Maybe you're right. Listen, honestly

01:26:04make the case don't uh

01:26:07Don't don't leave your actions in the lurch make the case. I'd love to hear it

01:26:10I really genuinely i'm not being sarcastic here. Like i'd love to hear the case

01:26:15Get behind it make it real

01:26:18Didn't get like a good example

01:26:21Oh, it was like too painful to show love for their own kids like in the face of their own parents

01:26:28Because my my grandpa like

01:26:32Was physically abusive towards my mom

01:26:36And my other grandpa like insulted my dad on a daily basis

01:26:45And when it's growing up around like all that violence just

01:26:50Has them kind of blocked from showing

01:26:54The love they might feel right

01:26:58It's a great case. So your parents were so damaged by their parents

01:27:03That it's almost like blaming your sister for not dancing

01:27:07How so

01:27:11Well, your sister is physically incapable of dancing because she can't control her legs right and one of her hands

01:27:18So we wouldn't morally blame your sister

01:27:22For skipping leg day, right?

01:27:25Yeah

01:27:26right, so

01:27:28If your parents are mentally

01:27:32disabled

01:27:34Because of their bad childhoods

01:27:36Then asking them to have affection for you

01:27:40is

01:27:42Crazy because they were so damaged that you're asking the impossible you're asking a guy with only one arm to clap right?

01:27:49Uh-huh

01:27:51And and it's actually cruel and unjust and mean for you to take people who are spiritually disabled and hold them to a moral standard

01:27:59Because they're just not capable of doing that because they were so damaged as children

01:28:02Like you're actually the unjust one by being mad at people

01:28:06Who were damaged by their parents and therefore cannot be nice?

01:28:11Uh-huh, is that is it something like that? Yeah, fantastic. Listen, that's a great case

01:28:18That's a great case

01:28:20I mean, it's total bullshit, but it's a great case

01:28:23Honestly, like it's a it's a you you make a great case

01:28:27All right

01:28:31How do you know that your parents had bad childhoods

01:28:36Oh, they've taught me oh they told you and what did they say

01:28:41Well

01:28:43My mom says that she's been like struck in the face with the hand and a belt, right?

01:28:51That my grandpa wanted her to study teaching so bad that when she chose biology he wouldn't

01:28:58Like buy her even undies

01:29:00Okay, so she was hit and controlled and bullied, right?

01:29:05Yeah, and she she says that that's a bad childhood, right?

01:29:09Yeah, boom. We got her

01:29:12No excuses, do you know why

01:29:16Why well your mother says I was hit and bullied as a child yeah, and that's bad

01:29:26You see where i'm going with this

01:29:28Yeah, she knows how bad it is

01:29:32To be hit as a child because she doesn't characterize it

01:29:35Well, that was necessary and good discipline for me and thank god. I didn't become a biologist

01:29:40And thank god. I didn't wander through my childhood not getting beaten on a regular basis

01:29:44Thank god. It made me into the tough wonderful great person. I am

01:29:48No, she says that sucked. It was abusive and it was terrible

01:29:53Right, yeah

01:29:56So she knows and characterizes hitting and bullying children as immoral and dysfunctional, right

01:30:04No, no, don't me do you crying about all this other stuff don't don't fade on me now

01:30:10Get stay with me

01:30:11Stay with I need your spine here. Not your

01:30:15right

01:30:18So she knows and has expressed how terrible it was to be hit as a child

01:30:22And then she countenance then hit you as a child, right

01:30:26Yeah

01:30:28Right. I mean, that's just one of many cases we're going to make against this perspective, right?

01:30:35Uh, that's number one right number two, did she know how to treat children well

01:30:44Are you drumming with the furniture here? I don't know what's going on in the background here. All right, I got a creaky chair

01:30:50Okay, is there is there a non-creaky chair you could move to it's kind of distracting yeah, sorry, thank you

01:31:01These interruptions never happen by accident, but all right

01:31:05So

01:31:07Did your mother know how to be nice to children

01:31:12Well being a teacher I'd assume so well you don't have to assume so

01:31:17At all because of what you told me

01:31:19You know for certain that she knew how to be nice to children because didn't you have great birthday parties?

01:31:25Yeah. Yes

01:31:27Look, let's let's send out fun invitations. Let's set up great games

01:31:33Right and when the other children were over did you get yelled at or hit or anything like that

01:31:39No, oh look at that. And you you also said that your parents were very nice to your younger cousins, right?

01:31:44Yeah, okay, so they know how to be nice to children

01:31:52Right, yeah

01:31:56So they're responsible for not being nice to children

01:32:00If i'm dropped into japan

01:32:03And nobody speaks english around me. I'm not responsible

01:32:06For making myself clear because I don't speak their language. They don't speak mine, right?

01:32:11however

01:32:13if it turns out

01:32:15That for one out of ten conversations I speak beautiful fluent accent free

01:32:22Japanese am I then responsible for not being understood?

01:32:26Yeah, of course so your parents knew exactly

01:32:32How to be nice to children and how to treat children well because they did it whenever other children came over right

01:32:38Mm-hmm. Oh this is really annoying. I gotta tell you if you're not if you don't care about this, we'll move on to another topic

01:32:47If this is not interesting to you i'm i'm happy we can move on to your brother we can move on to your fiancee

01:32:52Okay. Um, let's let's do that because I this thing is just a dismissive

01:32:59And if and maybe this isn't important to you in which case we can move on to another topic

01:33:04Well, I I appreciate like the point of view

01:33:09It's just that

01:33:12No, because when you had all the self-pity you were as passionate as you could be right?

01:33:16And now we're actually doing a rigorous analysis of your deepest illusion and you give me all this distant stuff

01:33:23So that's fine. Listen, i'm not mad at you. I'm just saying that it's kind of

01:33:27Annoying to be in the situation where i'm just getting this blankness back

01:33:34You

01:33:36Okay, you know I sympathize

01:33:39so we'll drop that topic and we can move on to your brother if you prefer because that was your

01:33:44Original question, right?

01:33:46Yeah, okay. So

01:33:48Your brother found the love of his life after introducing you to the love of your life, right?

01:33:53Mm-hmm

01:33:55Now we're okay, so exactly if you're um

01:34:00Yeah, because I I honestly I I find it very bizarre to be in a situation where I seem to care more about your

01:34:05Heart-minded soul than you do

01:34:08And I can sort of feel you getting emotionally more distant as we go on with the conversation

01:34:14Yeah, I

01:34:15I'm, just like I wear out the time and my baby's gonna want to eat soon

01:34:19And I don't know why i'm not in actually sorry. Yeah

01:34:22No, no, that's fine. And we could we can reschedule for another time if you prefer

01:34:25I obviously don't I don't want to interfere with any of your parenting duties

01:34:28Yeah

01:34:30Would you like to do that?

01:34:32Because I mean if you're distracted it's a tough convo to have right?

01:34:36Yeah, it is I would like a reschedule, please absolutely, okay, so

01:34:40Uh, I guess we'll work it out in a skype and listen. I I sympathize with obviously

01:34:46It's not a distraction to take care of your baby. That's the most important thing

01:34:50So, uh, we'll work it out in uh in the chat and we'll reschedule

01:34:54Okay. All right. Thanks for the call. Appreciate it

01:34:56Thank you, bye

The Truth About Childhood - Part 1 Freedomain Call In

Category

Transcript

Recommended