A Bit of a Do S02E03 The Grand Opening Of Sillitoe's (1989)
A Bit of a Do S02E03 The Grand Opening Of Sillitoe's (1989)
Transcript
00:00Oh, what a shame, Millie, we can't.
00:05Well, we've got a bit of a do on.
00:07Yeah, the opening of Silly Toes,
00:09our health food complex in Arbitration Road.
00:12The mayor's coming and all our friends.
00:15Well, yes, of course you are.
00:18I didn't mean all our friends.
00:20I meant just the ones that we've been...
00:22Oh, dear.
00:24A bit of a do.
00:31A bit of a do.
00:35Smiling faces in public places.
00:39Trying to hide your problems from your friends and relations.
00:43A bit of a do.
00:45Invited to a bit of a do.
00:50It's a small town, hush-nosh affair.
00:54Best behavior, being aware
00:58of others who are doing it too.
01:02Others who are seeing through you.
01:05A bit of a do.
01:09All tickety-boo.
01:13New dimensions for family tensions.
01:17Mentioning the little things that shouldn't be mentioned.
01:21A bit of a do, bit of a do.
01:24Invited to a bit of a do.
01:34Nobody's going to come, are they?
01:36Perhaps it was a mistake to advertise mystery celebrities.
01:38Yes, if it's somebody really impressive,
01:40perhaps you should have said who it is.
01:42Rodney?
01:43Oh, Lord, it's going to be a flop.
01:45I mean, I can take it, but she gets so worked up, bless her.
01:48Where is she?
01:49Who's getting worked up, he is.
01:51I bet she's as cool as a cucumber.
01:53Men.
01:56Nobody's going to come, are they?
01:58It's going to be a fiasco.
01:59It said from 7.30.
02:01It's only 7.36.
02:03Yes, well, I don't mind for myself, but it's Rodney.
02:05He gets so hit up, bless him.
02:07Oh, the apostrophe's wrong.
02:08Still nobody.
02:10It's only 7.37.
02:11Rodney, Rodney, the apostrophe's wrong.
02:13There are seven silly toes.
02:14There are two of us, two silly toes.
02:16So it should be S apostrophe, not apostrophe S, shouldn't it?
02:19Oh, Lord, I don't know.
02:21Look, I don't want to be unpatriotic,
02:23but I'm not sure the nation understands the apostrophe any more.
02:27Oh, incidentally, I shouldn't have done it, I suppose.
02:30Well, I should have told you, but I've invited a friend tonight.
02:32Oh, good.
02:33That'll make six of us.
02:35Who is this friend?
02:36Nobody special.
02:39It's just a man I met in a pub.
02:41It probably won't turn up.
02:42It was all very casual.
02:43Somebody.
02:45Oh, Lord.
02:47Betty, hello.
02:49It all looks wonderful.
02:52Rodney.
02:53Proud day.
02:54Jenny, darling.
02:58Oh, Lord.
03:00I'm sorry, but she's very attached to that magnolia.
03:02Level.
03:03Sorry.
03:08Don't you think we ought to switch that bell off?
03:10I'll do it.
03:11Good evening, sir.
03:12Good evening, madam.
03:13What is your pleasure?
03:15Alcohol.
03:16But you haven't got any.
03:17What do you recommend, Eric?
03:18Oh, I don't know.
03:19There's fruit squash, bilberry cocktail,
03:22homemade kiwi fruit raspberry and cinnamon punch,
03:25though I can't speak for it personally.
03:28Oh, there's xylitose infused over the carrot juice.
03:31Apparently last year was a good year for carrots.
03:33It all sounds most intriguing and inventive and original.
03:37Orange juice, if you please.
03:39I'll have a go at that punch.
03:40One juice of the orange and one special punch can do no problem.
03:44Here we go, tickety-boo.
03:45Can I have a word, ma'am?
03:47Oh, Lord.
03:48Excuse me, Neville.
03:50Don't you think you're being childish, ma'am?
03:52No.
03:53How are the children?
03:54Fine.
03:55It isn't Rita's fault, ma'am.
03:56No.
03:57Little Steffy's cold.
03:58Better, is it?
03:59Much better.
04:00They're both fine.
04:01Can we stick to the point?
04:02The point?
04:03Rita gets elected to the council.
04:04The council then plump for the outer inner relief ring road.
04:06And lo and behold, what a surprise.
04:08The root lops a great lump off our garden, destroying 18 rose bushes and the magnolia.
04:13That is the point, Jenny.
04:14All over the world, people are losing everything they possess.
04:17Earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, avalanches.
04:19Billions never even possess anything to lose in the first place.
04:22I know.
04:23And I'm sorry for them and appalled.
04:26But I can only live my life, not the rest of the world's.
04:28And heaven forbid that anyone should accuse me of being parochial.
04:31But that is a magnificent magnolia.
04:35Rita has done this deliberately, Jenny.
04:37And I will not speak to any member of the Simcock family.
04:40And I would urge you not to either.
04:42You must be thrilled I split up with Paul then.
04:45No, of course not.
04:47Children need their father.
04:49I'm very sorry.
04:51However, yes, it is true that out of all this sorriness,
04:53the one consolation I can find is that you are no longer in intimate association with the Simcock.
04:58Oh, Jenny.
04:59Oh, I do hope you find somebody else soon.
05:03Somebody nice.
05:05Somebody of your own class.
05:08Oh, yes.
05:09Because I'm not ashamed of being a snob.
05:12Welcome to come in.
05:14Good evening.
05:15Hello.
05:16Hello.
05:17Oh, Lord.
05:20Hello, Rodney.
05:22No hard feelings.
05:25It's none of your doing, Betty, I realise that.
05:29Oh, Lord.
05:33Oh, hello, you worshipful nurse.
05:36Ted.
05:37I've no wish to speak to you, Rita.
05:39Ted.
05:40I do hate to see you letting yourself down by being small-minded in public.
05:43Why should you care?
05:44I know.
05:45It's silly, isn't it?
05:46But I do.
05:47Maybe I still have some shreds of affection for you.
05:49Some memories of happier times.
05:52Is Corinna all right?
05:53Yes.
05:54As late as usual.
05:56She was 12 days late coming into the world.
05:58She never quite caught up with herself.
06:00I mean, what do you expect, Rita?
06:02Eh?
06:03I mean, you get yourself elected to the council
06:05and then you push through a route for the Outer Inner Relief Ring Road,
06:08which means the demolition of your ex-husband's restaurant
06:11that leaves intact the next-door property,
06:13which just happens to be a crank vegetarian centre
06:16owned by his one-time best friend, who's your employer.
06:20I mean, in my book, that is tantamount to municipal corruption.
06:24When I took the job, I didn't know the exact route.
06:27I've got no power to influence the exact route.
06:29I've done nothing wrong.
06:31Look, I'm sorry about Chez Edouard,
06:33but you'll get compensation.
06:35Oh, yes, of course.
06:36Well, Corinna will. The property's in her name,
06:38but it amounts to the same thing.
06:40But it's nothing like what we get on the open market.
06:43I mean, it's daylight robbery.
06:45It's democracy, Ted.
06:47We can't throw taxpayers' money around willy-nilly.
06:50You're politicians.
06:52When you're not spending, you're saving the taxpayers' money.
06:55When you do spend, you're giving away your money.
06:57I mean, you're hypocrites. I mean, you are.
06:59It's the will of the people, Ted.
07:01Well, it's the will of the four people
07:03who gave me a majority and a 19.2% turnout.
07:06Look, don't you think I'm embarrassed
07:08that my first influence on world politics
07:10loses you your restaurant
07:12and Liz and Neville 18 rose bushes and a magnolia?
07:15You what?
07:16Well, the new route lops the end of their garden off.
07:21Liz isn't speaking to me.
07:24Well, how petty can you get?
07:26How small-minded some of these snobbish types can be.
07:29Who's being hypocritical now?
07:31You are.
07:32Well, you weren't going to speak to me.
07:34That's different, Rita.
07:36No, I mean, it is.
07:38I mean, 18 rose bushes and a magnolia
07:41is hardly concomitant to a temple of gastronomy
07:45as recommended by Egon Rowney.
07:47As recommended by Egon Rowney?
07:50It never even opened.
07:52Oh, well, it would have been without a cuisine.
07:56Well, here comes Corinna. All right, I'll be polite to you.
07:59But only so as not to show myself up in front of her,
08:02which I won't.
08:03Oh, hello, my petal.
08:05Hello, darling.
08:06Hello.
08:07Just chatting to dear old Rita.
08:09There's no point in being petty.
08:11Oh, absolutely not.
08:12Neither of us blame you personally, Rita.
08:14Goodbye, Rita.
08:19Good evening, sir. Good evening, madam.
08:21What can I do you for?
08:23Oh, a right ray of sunshine tonight, Eric.
08:26It just isn't me, isn't it, carrot juice?
08:33Oh, hello, Carol.
08:35Elvis, not with you?
08:37Oh, he's hardly likely to be.
08:39We've split up.
08:40Oh, Carol, I'm sorry, with no idea.
08:45Where have you been?
08:47Just checking the buffet. Everything's fine.
08:49Hello, Carol. Hello.
08:51Elvis, not with you?
08:52Rodney, tagged.
08:53What?
08:54They've split up.
08:55Oh, Lord, I had no idea.
08:56I thought I'd come any road.
08:58Why should I have to skulk around?
09:00Oh, absolutely.
09:01You skulking is a contradiction in terms.
09:04I've, uh...
09:05Oh, well, thanks.
09:06I've, uh...
09:08Well, I don't suppose I should have done, but...
09:10I've invited a friend.
09:11Good, why not? The more the merrier.
09:13He may not come, with it being vegetarian and non-alcoholic.
09:17Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Not today.
09:20But I thought no harm in letting Elvis see I've got other nuts to fry.
09:24You what?
09:25I'd have said other fish to fry, but you're vegetarian.
09:29Very good, Carol. Very true.
09:32Why, Elvis, you think you aren't clever enough for him to be on me?
09:35Rodney.
09:36Well, I'll go and get a drink.
09:42Carol, are you here?
09:44Oh, it's an incredibly interesting question, Elvis.
09:47What?
09:48A solipsist might say we could never know,
09:51because I might only exist in your imagination.
09:53I know that's not true, of course,
09:55but I don't know that you don't only exist in my imagination.
09:59You are?
10:00Because I'm not clever enough for you.
10:02Before we split up, not knowing we were going to split up,
10:05I got these philosophy books out of the mobile library,
10:08so I might be able to hold my own with you
10:10when he came out with incredibly intelligent questions like,
10:12Carol, are you here?
10:14I've got a question for you now.
10:16It's not exactly philosophical, exactly.
10:19Well, I suppose it is, sort of.
10:21Fine. Well, fire away. I'll do my best.
10:24OK. It's this.
10:26Why don't you get stuffed?
10:31Hello, Neville.
10:40Have you ever had the feeling that it isn't your day?
10:43What's wrong?
10:44Well, nobody seems to be exactly pleased to see me.
10:47I'm very pleased to see you.
10:49Oh, well, I'm very pleased to see you as well.
10:53Well, who wasn't pleased?
10:55Well, Carol, obviously. And Neville just ignored me.
10:58Mum's instigating a feud between the Rodenthurst and the Simcox
11:01because of the ring road.
11:03Oh, I see. Hello.
11:04Simon!
11:05Oh, coming, Mother.
11:07I'll talk with you in a moment.
11:09I wouldn't bet on it.
11:10Oh, he will.
11:11I mean, I know he sometimes seems a bit of a twit.
11:13It's a pity he's an estate agent, of course.
11:15But he'd never deliberately do anything to hurt me.
11:18Why would his not speaking to me hurt you?
11:20Because I think I'm falling in love with you.
11:24Jenny!
11:27Good evening and welcome to Sillicoe's.
11:29Thank you so much for coming.
11:31Good evening.
11:32I hope we haven't invited too many.
11:34A minute ago, you were worrying nobody would come.
11:37I know. Silly things, nerves.
11:40Where have you been?
11:41Oh, just checking the buffet.
11:43I just checked it.
11:44Well, I was just checking to make sure you'd checked it thoroughly enough.
11:47Oh, look, people are streaming in.
11:49It's a success.
11:51It's incredible, isn't it?
11:52I mean, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
11:53Rita, will you make a little speech about the raffle?
11:55Me?
11:56Well, it was your idea.
11:57Oh, Lord.
11:59Rita, you do on the council.
12:00And you made a wonderful speech at your wedding.
12:02I mean, your non-wedding.
12:04Yes, it was very appropriate, Rita.
12:06Everyone said how appropriate it was.
12:08Well, thank you.
12:09But, I mean, this is different.
12:11It's still there, you know.
12:13I mean, sometimes I feel confident for minutes on end and then back it comes.
12:16Back what comes, Rita?
12:18Oh, my life.
12:19All those long years of feeling inadequate.
12:21You don't lose it. You never lose it, you know.
12:23You just fight it.
12:24Don't worry.
12:25I'll make the speech.
12:27Hello, Betty.
12:28Hello, Rodney.
12:29Hello, Simon.
12:31Congratulations.
12:32Great night.
12:33Excuse me.
12:36It's embarrassing.
12:37I'm not allowed to talk to her.
12:39Look, come.
12:41I've been a bit naughty.
12:43Congratulations.
12:44Do we know her?
12:45Maybe.
12:46I don't think you do, no.
12:47What?
12:48Know her.
12:49I've met this friend.
12:51Well, she wasn't a friend when I met her.
12:53She couldn't have been.
12:54I'd never met her.
12:55But then I did.
12:56And you were naughty.
12:57Betty.
12:58Oh, no, no.
12:59No, not naughty in that.
13:00Well, not yet.
13:02No, what was naughty was I invited her tonight.
13:06I mean, I shouldn't have done it so full.
13:08But then I never dreamt...
13:11She might not come, of course.
13:13Probably won't, it being me.
13:16Well, we're delighted you did and we hope she does.
13:20Thanks.
13:26What sort of girl would fall for Simon?
13:30Short-sighted estate agent.
13:35I forgot to mention it.
13:36I've been a bit naughty.
13:38Male or female?
13:39What?
13:40The person you've invited.
13:42Did you guess?
13:43Well, there seem to be about 400 uninvited guests expected.
13:46Oh, Lord.
13:47Well, I mean, I never...
13:48I never dreamt so many...
13:50So many people would come.
13:51It's all right.
13:52Neither did we.
13:53Male.
13:54What?
13:55He's a he.
13:56My brother.
13:57Brother?
13:58I never knew you had a brother.
13:59Oh, yes.
14:00Elder brother.
14:01He's been abroad for 22 years.
14:02He's an anthropologist.
14:04He specializes in the social behavior of primitive tribes.
14:07Well, he'll be in his element.
14:09He may not come, of course.
14:11This may be too frightening for him after African headhunting.
14:16Carol.
14:17What?
14:18Taking it on herself to go inviting people and Simon.
14:21Typical Rudnest arrogance.
14:23Rita and Carol did the same thing.
14:26Oh, that's different.
14:27What's different about it?
14:29I like them.
14:33It's time for the opening ceremony.
14:35Oh, but the mystery celebrity isn't here.
14:37Oh, yes, she is.
14:38She?
14:39Oh, who?
14:40Where?
14:41Well, somewhere on the premises.
14:44Ladies and gentlemen.
14:46Ladies and gentlemen.
14:51Ladies and gentlemen,
14:53thank you all for coming to this great bumper opening of Zillito's.
14:56Thank you.
14:57Now, you're already sampling our cornucopia of non-alcoholic drinks.
15:01And shortly, you'll be confronted with the widest range of vegan
15:04and vegetarian foods in Yorkshire.
15:06Now, we don't all cheer at once.
15:08And there will be folk singing from that popular Pennine group,
15:11the Hebden Bridge Griddlers.
15:13And I haven't finished yet.
15:16There will also be a raffle.
15:18A rather unusual raffle.
15:20To explain, I'll call up the brains behind the raffle,
15:23Councillor Rita Simcox.
15:24Thank you very much.
15:28Thank you, and hello.
15:31The brains.
15:34Ladies and gentlemen, our raffle tonight,
15:37I mean the proceeds from our raffle tonight,
15:40will go to a third world charity.
15:43Surprise, surprise.
15:45Yes, Ted, and in spite of everything you've done to me,
15:48I'm glad you're well fed enough to find starvation boring.
15:53The tickets are 25p each,
15:56or a pound for a strip of five.
15:59That means you get one free if you buy five,
16:01so four is all you buy, in other words.
16:03So I hope you'll all have a strip.
16:05Oh, sounds naughty.
16:07I'd heard a rumour that the road nurse weren't talking to me this evening.
16:10I'm glad it's not true.
16:12I should hate to have missed gems of that intellectual quality.
16:16Now, the first prize is a first world hamper.
16:21That is the average calories, protein, etc,
16:25as per UN statistics.
16:28And the second prize is a second world hamper,
16:31that's Iron Curtain rations.
16:34And the third prize, this is the third world hamper.
16:39That is the average daily diet of the third world.
16:43Now, everybody who buys a ticket guarantees if they win,
16:46to eat on a nominated day their diet and nothing else.
16:50It's just a tiny gesture,
16:53it's just a symbol of our concern for people less fortunate than ourselves.
16:57I'm sorry, this is really silly. I'm sorry. Thank you.
17:03And now, our mystery celebrity.
17:06It's someone I've admired more than anybody else in the world.
17:09The mystery is why she puts up with me.
17:13Yes, she's the only celebrity in my life.
17:15My wife, Betty.
17:24Well, ladies and...
17:27Oh, I'm overcome. I am overcome.
17:31It's lovely. It's a total...
17:34Well, without further...
17:37Oh, I don't know what to say.
17:40Come over all.
17:42Well, without further ado, I...
17:45Oh, I feel like a queen.
17:48I feel like a queen.
17:51Ladies and gentlemen,
17:53I name this health food complex
17:56and whole food vegetarian restaurant Silly Toes.
18:00And God bless her and all who eat in her.
18:12Beans, grains, rices, pulses.
18:15I'm sure we've got everything in the health food line you could possibly wish for.
18:18Ah, there you are, Rita.
18:20Feel free to browse.
18:22If you find you've found anything you can't find, let us know.
18:24Excuse me.
18:26Neville, you're talking to me.
18:29Oh, no, I'm afraid not.
18:31What?
18:32I'm not talking to you.
18:33But I wanted you to know that I'm only not talking to you because Liz isn't talking to you.
18:37I'm not not talking to you, really.
18:39Well, thanks, Neville.
18:41Look, I'm sure it's a very nice magnolia,
18:44but in the context of the rainforest being cut down at the rate of two football pitches a minute...
18:48I don't want to talk about it.
18:49That is a squash court every point seven of a second.
18:54I must get back to Liz.
19:06Great food, isn't it, eh?
19:08Oh, how delicious.
19:10If you happen to be a squirrel.
19:12Well, I'm going to give this place a rave report in my gosh-what-nosh spot
19:15that you've no doubt heard me do on early morning extra.
19:18No.
19:19Ted, I'm interested in your local radio career anyway, Elvis.
19:23How's it going?
19:24Ah, it's all right.
19:25I'm not really interested in reporting, but you can't expect to become a chat show host straight away.
19:29Chat show host?
19:32Well, that's my ultimate goal.
19:33I've got the name for it.
19:34Why not?
19:35A name with that showbiz ring.
19:38Oh, I see.
19:39Yes, Elvis.
19:41No, Simcock.
19:43Simcock?
19:44Yeah, sounds good, don't you think?
19:46Tonight, Simcock with Sue Lawley.
19:49Because they get fabulous holidays, these chat show hosts.
19:52Won't you be proud, eh, Dad, when the family name's a household word?
19:56Oh, yeah, it'll be a great thrill for me as I pit my way through the rubble
20:00to which the council JCBs have reduced my life's dream.
20:04Oh, darling, think positive.
20:06We regard this little setback as an opportunity.
20:10Yeah, we regard this setback as an opportunity, obviously.
20:14An open sesame to wider horizons.
20:16Yes, it is an open sesame to wider horizons.
20:20Oh, good.
20:21I'm glad.
20:23Patronising little burp.
20:26Not opportunity, love.
20:28What open sesame to what wider horizons?
20:30I've had an idea, Ted.
20:32I've travelled almost every inch of East Africa with my father.
20:35The bishop.
20:36It's a rapidly expanding tourist area for Brits.
20:39Now, what ain't they got?
20:41They ain't got good British cooking.
20:44What do you mean?
20:46What do you mean, East Africa?
20:48But that's in Africa.
20:51What do you mean?
20:52You mean we'll go and live in East Africa?
20:54Why not?
20:57Why not, indeed.
21:01If he thinks he's the only one with wide horizons, he's got another thing coming.
21:05I mean he has.
21:09Elvis, I want to work with you.
21:11Mum, it's not the time.
21:12It never is the time with you, is it?
21:14This is worse than the road nurse, this is.
21:16What?
21:17Well, you and I don't talk to each other.
21:18Not because we're not talking to each other,
21:19but because there's nothing to talk about when we do talk to each other.
21:21Elvis, I want to talk about Carol.
21:23There's nothing to talk about.
21:25Look, she is a lovely girl and I don't like to see her hurt.
21:28I thought you didn't like her.
21:29Well, I've warmed to her.
21:31Mothers never like their sons' girlfriends at first.
21:33I don't like to see her hurt either, but it didn't work out.
21:37It was lust, not love, and there is a difference.
21:40Oh, thank you. That's a useful hint.
21:42Where's my diary? I must make a note of it.
21:44Mum, besides, Jenny's a lovely girl too,
21:47and I don't like to see her hurt, and I'll pull her at her.
21:50I know, but that's not your responsibility.
21:52Oh, yes, it is.
21:54I love her.
22:01You talked to Rita, didn't you?
22:03If anybody had told me that I'd enjoy a cashew nut moussaka,
22:06I wouldn't have believed them.
22:07You talked to Rita, didn't you?
22:09No, no.
22:10Well, yes, but no.
22:13What on earth does that mean?
22:15It means I talked to Rita purely to tell her I wasn't talking to her.
22:18I said that you weren't talking to her,
22:20so I wasn't talking to her because you weren't talking to her.
22:23Neville, what on earth is the point of not talking to people
22:25if you tell them why you're not talking to them?
22:27Why must you be so nice about it?
22:30You miss Lawrence, don't you?
22:31His barbs, his sarcasm, his icy retorts.
22:34I don't miss Lawrence.
22:36I do miss the cut and thrust bit,
22:40but I want it to be your cut and thrust.
22:42So sorry I'm sarcastically inadequate.
22:44So sorry I suffer from Brewer's droop in the icy retorts department.
22:48That's better.
22:59Oh, Jenny, this is fantastic.
23:01I never knew such happiness existed.
23:11Oh, I had a dreadful thought.
23:14Me ordered some organic rhubarb and I couldn't remember seeing it.
23:18It's there.
23:21Elvis, I've always liked you and admired you.
23:26Philosopher, the rebel.
23:30It worries me that you're becoming so ambitious.
23:34Jenny, it's not ambition for its own sake.
23:38I only want to become famous in order to gain the influence
23:41to have my highly socially relevant and elite life.
23:46The influence to have my highly socially relevant
23:49and innately rebellious philosophical thoughts taken notice of.
23:54I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear you say that.
24:01What highly socially relevant and innately rebellious philosophical thoughts?
24:05The ones I'll have when I'm famous.
24:17I just wanted to say, not that it's any of my business these days,
24:22but I love you both, you see.
24:25So I just wanted to say, are you really serious?
24:30Yeah. Course we are, Mum.
24:33I really think we are, Rita.
24:36Well, in that case, for what it's worth,
24:41you have my blessing, I suppose.
24:45Thanks.
24:47I don't think we'll get my mum's blessing.
24:50No. Not that that thought gives me any pleasure whatsoever.
24:55Well, it's all going very well,
24:58considering there's no meat, fish or alcohol.
25:00I mean, the almonds are good.
25:02Very nice of you to say so, Teddy.
25:03Delighted you've taken that attitude.
25:05Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again.
25:07Life's too short to be petty, Betty.
25:09Not me.
25:10I know.
25:12Ted, we're very sorry about next door, truly.
25:15But one man's loss is another man's opportunity.
25:17Will you come and work for me?
25:19For us?
25:20Oh, Lord, sorry. Takes some getting used to.
25:22Ted, will you come and work for us?
25:24No.
25:25What? Oh, Ted, let bygones be bygones.
25:27But the bygones have all gone by.
25:29I mean, they have.
25:31You did, Rodney, buy my premises when we found you went bankrupt.
25:34I can't remember.
25:35Will your business flourish next door to my pile of rubble?
25:38Will I forget?
25:39But...
25:40But what?
25:41I wouldn't come and work for you if you were the last tea in China.
25:44Oh, Ted, why not?
25:46Well, to put it in the words of your barman tonight,
25:48it just isn't me he's encouraging.
25:51Eric said that when we asked for him, especially as a favour.
25:54Look, you've found your bandwagon and you've climbed aboard.
25:58Well, fair enough. Good luck to you.
26:00It's not a bandwagon, Ted. It's a sincerely held belief.
26:03Well, it may be your belief, but it isn't mine.
26:05I mean, in my book, with respect.
26:08It's trendy overpriced garbage,
26:10and I wouldn't touch it with a margepole,
26:12even if it didn't have plans of me own.
26:14Plans of your own?
26:16Mm.
26:18The concept of the Yorkshire pudding is a closed book in the Dark Continent.
26:23What, Ted?
26:24Africa.
26:25Yorkshire pudding. They don't have it.
26:27Same difference with fish and chips, batter.
26:29As we understand it, it's unknown from Mozambique to Mogadishu.
26:34You know what, Ted?
26:35You...
26:36Here I am, trying to explain my business expansion plans,
26:39and all you can say, Rodney, is, is you what, Ted?
26:42You're becoming very insular, Rodney.
26:44Well, we're an insular nation.
26:46Must be to do with being an island, I suppose.
26:49You know what, Ted?
26:52Look, Corinna was telling me about how tourism has increased in East Africa.
26:56Her father's a bishop there.
26:58You know, I don't know whether you know that.
27:00Anyway, when you've got an eye for a business opportunity,
27:04you know, you never lose it.
27:05It's a bit like, say, riding a bike.
27:07Yeah, so I saw our chance immediately.
27:10I persuaded Corinna that we ought to open a chain of English restaurants in East Africa.
27:17Eh?
27:20Well, you're impressed, I can tell.
27:24Well, then.
27:25Good luck, Ted.
27:27Oh, thank you.
27:28And thank you for your offer.
27:29No, no, no, no doubt it were kindly meant.
27:32Thanks.
27:36I want your advice, Ted.
27:38A man's advice.
27:39Oh, Neville, absolutely.
27:41I'm your man. What's your problem? You can tell me.
27:43Come on, these things happen to the best of us.
27:45Oh, it's nothing like that.
27:47It's Liz and me.
27:48Well, I assumed it was.
27:49I irritate her.
27:50It gets on her nerves that I'm so nice all the time.
27:52I thought of you immediately.
27:53Oh, really, Neville?
27:55I want to learn how to become nasty.
27:59You what, Neville?
28:00Not very nasty.
28:01Somewhat nasty.
28:02Less nice.
28:03I see.
28:05Then, Neville, why have you come to me? Eh?
28:07Do you regard me as being nasty or less nice?
28:11Am I the local acknowledged expert on obnoxiousness?
28:14Of course not. In no way.
28:16Well, then I'll repeat, and I would like an answer.
28:18Why the hell have you come to me?
28:19I'm sorry, I did now.
28:20Well, so am I, Neville. So am I.
28:22But there you are. You really are rather good at being nasty.
28:25Well, why don't you get stuffed?
28:26What?
28:28Gypsy rover came over the hill
28:32Down through the valley so shady
28:36He whistled on his hike
28:37So far, so good.
28:39Oh, very much so better.
28:42Well, it doesn't look as if my man's going to come.
28:45I never really thought he would.
28:47Are you to the still time?
28:48Oh, no, it was just an hour in a pub, I suppose.
28:51It was just... I don't know, we seemed to click.
28:55He said he thought I was...
28:57Beautiful.
28:58Yes, how did you...
29:01And there was me thinking, is it it this time?
29:04And there was him thinking,
29:05Oh, this isn't a bad way of filling up an hour.
29:07Oh, this ham roll's nice.
29:09The silly thing is, I don't in any way feel the need of the man.
29:14I mean, will I ever learn better?
29:16Or is this the sort of thing that's going to happen to me all the time?
29:19Oh, three minutes past nine.
29:22My love life is incredibly boring, I agree.
29:25No, no, it's fascinating, Rita.
29:27Utterly fascinating, I expect.
29:29It's just I wasn't listening.
29:30I was watching Simon's friends around.
29:34Hello, Betty.
29:35This is Lucinda, Betty Sillito, our hostess.
29:38Hello.
29:42It's rather awkward.
29:44I can't introduce you to the other person.
29:46We're having a feud.
29:47Oh, goodness, what fun.
29:49I'm sorry I'm so late.
29:51I had to show a client around the house.
29:54Oh, is this the food?
29:56Oh, it looks super.
30:01She is a short-sighted estate agent.
30:04You are?
30:05Well, we were wondering what sort of person Simon's friend would be,
30:08and I said a short-sighted estate agent.
30:11Well, I think that's very cruel and very unfair.
30:14But it's true.
30:15Well, that makes it all the more cruel and unfair.
30:22Oh, there you are.
30:24Here I am.
30:25I'm going to go and be at Eric in his den.
30:28Well, I'm just going to go and check something in the storeroom.
30:39Hello, Carol.
30:40This is Lucinda.
30:41She came.
30:42Hello.
30:43Yours turned up?
30:44Oh, I see a heck.
30:46I don't understand it.
30:48I simply don't understand it, Carol.
30:50What?
30:51A beautiful girl like you.
30:53She is beautiful, isn't she, Lucinda?
30:56Yes.
30:57Highly desirable?
30:59I'd have thought so.
31:00I'm a woman, Simon, not a house.
31:02A very attractive woman.
31:04A beautiful woman.
31:05A gorgeous woman.
31:06Wouldn't you say so, Lucinda?
31:08Well, attractive.
31:10Absolutely.
31:12So where are the men with taste?
31:14Thank you, Simon.
31:17I thought I was being extremely complimentary.
31:20Women.
31:22Apart from you, of course.
31:25Eric, a word.
31:26Certainly, sir.
31:27Can do.
31:28Tickety-boo.
31:29We have a lull.
31:30A little bird has told me you earlier uttered the words,
31:33It just isn't me, isn't carrot juice.
31:35Oh, I know what you're going to say, and you're right.
31:38Who are they?
31:39You were going to say, Eric, you were going to say,
31:41I have not employed you on this important night to be lukewarm over your beverages.
31:47Well, yes.
31:48The rebuke is merited.
31:50Look, I have served.
31:52In what I like to think of as a modestly distinguished career behind the pumps,
31:56six years on the Cunardas,
31:58steward in two golf clubs,
32:00I have been the head barman in the cocktail bar of the Savoy Hotel.
32:05On Stanton, I've smiled through streaming cows, gout and a track disc.
32:10I've endured with stoic fortitude, heavy seas, leaky roofs and the lager playing me up.
32:17But tonight, I've let myself down.
32:22Your drinks have depressed me, and I've shown it.
32:26I've let you down.
32:28But all I can say is I'm very, very disappointed in myself.
32:32Yes.
32:33Well, I just wanted to say,
32:36never mind, Eric, keep at it.
32:38I'll be good.
32:41Hello, Mum.
32:42Hello, Neville.
32:43Hello.
32:44I've something to, uh...
32:46Earlier, Mum.
32:47You said you hoped I'd find somebody soon.
32:50Yes.
32:51Well, I have.
32:52And was soon.
32:53Yes.
32:54You said you hoped he'd be nice.
32:56He is nice.
32:57Well, that's nice.
32:58But there's none.
32:59You said you hoped he'd be of my...
33:02Well, I can hardly use the word. I find the concept so distasteful.
33:05Class.
33:06Well, I did.
33:07Yes.
33:08Yes, well.
33:09I suppose he...
33:10Although I don't think in those terms anymore,
33:12but if I did think in those terms anymore, I'd have to say...
33:15isn't.
33:16Yes, well, I suppose I might have guessed he wouldn't be.
33:19Especially as I was so foolish as to suggest he should be.
33:22Well, parents never learn.
33:24He, uh...
33:26I'm afraid he may disappoint your hopes pretty considerably
33:28in one particular respect.
33:30What?
33:32I'm afraid he fails.
33:34I'm afraid he fails.
33:37Utterly and totally fails.
33:39The criterion of, uh...
33:42Oh, Lord.
33:43Of, um...
33:45not being a simcock.
33:51Elvis!
33:54The first prize is a yellow ticket number 127.
33:58Oh, Lord, that's me.
34:00Oh!
34:01I'd better put it back.
34:02It's not right that I should win it.
34:04No rubbish you entered, you page.
34:05Oh, no, but I don't want it.
34:06I won't enjoy it.
34:07I'll feel guilty.
34:09Oh, that was supposed to be the idea.
34:11Oh, all right, but it's a bit embarrassing.
34:14All right, well, um...
34:16The second prize, and let's hope I don't win this one as well.
34:19The second prize is a blue ticket this time, number 141.
34:24Blue ticket number 141.
34:26That could be you, Liz.
34:27You were before me, and I'm 151 to 155.
34:30Shut up.
34:31Don't be so stupid.
34:32Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to say
34:35that the second prize has been won by Gene Pestle
34:38of the Hebden Bridge Gridlands.
34:42Maybe I'm being stupid, but why did you say I was stupid?
34:45Because I don't want to have to smile at Rita,
34:47and I'd have looked a bit of a bitch if I hadn't smiled at her, stupid.
34:50Third prize, isn't this exciting?
34:52Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the third prize is a blue ticket again,
34:55uh, this time, number 84.
34:57Good Lord!
34:59Ted!
35:01Ladies and gentlemen,
35:03the third world hamper has been won by Mr Ted Simcox.
35:10Congratulations, Ted.
35:12Congratulations? What do you mean?
35:15Am I supposed to live a whole day on this?
35:18No, on half of it. I'll share it with you.
35:20Which side are you on?
35:21I didn't realise there were sides.
35:23Oh, Liz, it's a stupid idea.
35:25I don't think so.
35:26I think Rita hoped it might go to somebody
35:28who needed to have their eyes open to their greed and complacency.
35:31It has.
35:34Look, I know people don't get enough to eat.
35:36I don't need this.
35:38My father would say, you know it intellectually,
35:41and this is your chance to know it physically.
35:43My father would say,
35:45use this to dedicate yourself to being a better human being.
35:48My father would say, be thankful for what you've got.
35:52What have I got?
35:54Well, me for a start.
35:56Oh, yes. Yes, of course, great.
35:58You, absolutely. But, I mean, you know, what else?
36:01Aren't I enough?
36:02Of course. Of course you are, my love.
36:05You're more than enough.
36:07You mean everything to me.
36:10But...
36:11But what?
36:12But, well, you're not my career.
36:15You're my evenings and your nights.
36:19No, but, I mean, you know,
36:21where's me nine to five?
36:23Me job.
36:24Don't you believe in my East Africa idea?
36:26I don't know.
36:28Will it really work?
36:30I know that country, Ted.
36:32I believe it will.
36:34A new life, a new adventure and a new world.
36:37Oh, accept that you're a lucky man, Ted,
36:39and learn to live at peace with yourself.
36:41Oh, well, I'm at peace with myself, Corinna.
36:43I mean, I am.
36:44Are you? You're resentful of Rita.
36:46You're guilty about Sandra.
36:47You have almost no relationship with your sons.
36:49Yeah, well, I'm disappointed in them.
36:50Well, maybe you wouldn't be if you helped them more.
36:52They need you, Ted.
36:54Don't be embarrassed about winning this.
36:56Use it.
36:57Make your peace with everybody.
36:59Start now with Rita, now.
37:01Oh, why all those bells, Corinna?
37:04You're not pushing me around.
37:06Only because I want you to be happy.
37:09Because I love you so very, very much, my darling.
37:14Corinna Price-Rogerson, you are one extraordinary lady.
37:18I know.
37:20One juice of the Karato Naturale.
37:23They can't touch you for a tickety-boo.
37:26I've regained my professional pride.
37:29Well done, Nelly.
37:31Oh, that's odd.
37:33The floor's moving.
37:35Where's that wife of mine gone?
37:43Hello, Rita.
37:45Hello, Ted.
37:46Hello.
37:48Well, we can't go on saying hello forever.
37:50We'll have to think of something else.
37:51Yes.
37:53Well, I wanted to...
37:57I've been a bit of a prat.
38:01Well, we're all bits of prats at times, Ted.
38:04It's just I realise now, it was none of your doing,
38:06the route for the road,
38:08smashing Shea Edwards.
38:09It was stupid of me to think it was.
38:12Well, I understand,
38:13because I understand how disappointed you must have felt.
38:15Well...
38:16Will you open a restaurant somewhere else?
38:18Yes.
38:19Nairobi.
38:21You are?
38:22Well, we're...
38:24we're going away.
38:26Corinna and I are going to be married in East Africa
38:28and we're going to live there.
38:30So will you be short of me.
38:33We'll need to keep on bumping into each other embarrassingly at dues.
38:38We'll need to never see each other again.
38:40It's great news, isn't it?
38:42It should be.
38:43You are.
38:46Aren't we stupid?
38:48Oh, God.
38:49People.
38:51I mean, this is ridiculous.
38:53I feel quite sad at the thought
38:56that I'll never see you again.
38:57I feel...
39:00Well, I hope you'll be very happy.
39:01Yes, well, we will be.
39:02And successful.
39:03Well, most probably.
39:05Yes, well,
39:06have a big farewell party before we go.
39:10A right classy do.
39:12Lovely.
39:15Um,
39:16well, that was a really good idea,
39:18that raffle, Rita.
39:20What was it?
39:22It was imaginative.
39:24It was caring.
39:27It was great.
39:30Ted.
39:38It's such a good place.
39:41A place where there's all...
39:45Betty.
39:49Ah, there you are.
39:52Pickles.
39:53Lentils.
39:54I beg your pardon?
39:55Well, I ate some lentil and aubergine bake rather too fast.
39:59Betty,
40:00are you drunk on carrot juice?
40:02Oh, Rodney,
40:04I've got a confession to make.
40:06Because I was so nervous,
40:08because
40:09I wanted tonight to be a success,
40:11because,
40:12because it's important,
40:13because
40:15because I love you.
40:17I hid a bottle of vodka in the storeroom.
40:20It's dark in there,
40:21but with all this carrot juice,
40:22I could see quite well.
40:26We mustn't let anybody realise
40:28or we'll totally destroy our credibility.
40:31Credibility?
40:33And nobody will believe us anymore either.
40:36Rodney,
40:37are you drunk too?
40:39I...
40:40I have had a bit.
40:42Topped it up a bit
40:44in the office.
40:45Vodka.
40:46Because I was nervous.
40:48Because I...
40:49What you said.
40:50And because we haven't had a drink for ages.
40:54Oh, very ages.
40:56It's longer than that.
40:57It's gone to our heads.
40:58It mustn't leak out.
41:00I mean,
41:01we'll be the laughing stock
41:03if we're known as the only two people in the history of the...
41:08thingamajig.
41:09Big, big, big drama thing.
41:10The world.
41:11That's it.
41:12I need to get drunk on carrot juice.
41:15While preaching to Tokyo.
41:18Eterianism.
41:19Rodney, what are we going to do?
41:21Sober up.
41:23Walk slowly.
41:24With dignity.
41:25Drink gin.
41:26Genuine carrot juice.
41:29Eat a lot.
41:31Use only very short words.
41:33Yes.
41:34Good.
41:35Right.
41:43Listen, there's going to be other sorts of cleaning up to do,
41:46so we can either stay late and do it all tonight,
41:48or we can come in early and do it all tomorrow morning,
41:50or we can do it half and half.
41:51What do you think?
41:52Yes.
41:59Jenny, could I have a word with you?
42:01In private.
42:02What?
42:03Oh, come on, Elvis.
42:04It's shop.
42:05Shop, shop.
42:06You can't trust Elvis.
42:08Can I?
42:09He's the media.
42:10He's your son.
42:11He's a professional.
42:12I don't want to give him such a good story that he's going to have a crisis of conscience
42:14as to whether to use it or not.
42:16Good story.
42:17Nothing's wrong, is it?
42:19Well, not really.
42:20I feel great.
42:22I've eaten only organic food and drunk only organic drink,
42:24and I feel, well, really organic.
42:27Yes, well, I'm afraid Rodney and Betty are as organic as noobs.
42:31What?
42:33You're desperately trying to sober up.
42:37Oh, Lord.
42:41Hello.
42:44You are not speaking to me, are you?
42:46Good Lord, no.
42:47You're a fellow victim of Rita,
42:49fellow compulsory purchasee.
42:51Look, speak to her.
42:52There's no reason not.
42:54When I intend to appoint you as my spiritual advisor, Ted, I'll let you know.
42:58Yes, well, I, uh,
43:01just wanted to apologize.
43:03What?
43:04Good Lord.
43:05Oh, don't sound so surprised.
43:06I am human.
43:07Apologize for what, Ted?
43:09Well, for what I did at the christening, you know,
43:11telling everyone that, um, he's my baby.
43:15It's a bit late for whispering now, Ted.
43:17Most people knew anyway.
43:18Yes, I know, but whilst they didn't know that everybody else knew,
43:22they could pretend that they didn't know.
43:24Anyway, thanks, Ted.
43:25A handsome apology.
43:27Happily accepted.
43:29How is he, lad?
43:30He's marvelous.
43:31Bright as a button.
43:32Oh, just like his mother.
43:34Neville is so proud.
43:36He's such a good father.
43:38Do he changes his nappies almost as much as I do?
43:41Liz.
43:42What?
43:43I have a position to keep up.
43:44What?
43:45Senior partner in Badger, Badger, Fox and Badger.
43:47Tough, unyielding, determined,
43:49the scourge of the criminal fraternity.
43:51I don't want it noise to broad that I change nappies.
43:55Corrino and I will be going away soon.
43:58Yeah, to Africa.
44:00Good Lord.
44:01Yes.
44:02So I just wanted to take this opportunity to
44:06wish nothing but the best for the lad.
44:09There's no need to whisper, Ted.
44:10I know, but I prefer it.
44:12And also to wish you both many, many years of happiness.
44:21Good Lord.
44:23Liz, I must speak out.
44:25Abandon this feud.
44:27Stop behaving in a way that makes it difficult for me to admire you
44:29and look up to you as much as I want to.
44:31I don't want to be admired and looked up to, Neville.
44:33I want to be loved.
44:34You are.
44:36I love you.
44:40Neville.
44:43Where are you going?
44:45Oh, another deep philosophical question
44:47from the same great brain that gave the world,
44:49Are you here?
44:51Let's see if my little brain can cope with it.
44:54Think logically. There's the door.
44:56I'm walking towards it.
44:58Yes, I think I am going.
45:00You didn't...
45:01Turn up then.
45:03Hmm, getting the hang of your style.
45:06No, he didn't.
45:07He rang.
45:08I'm meeting him in the pub.
45:10Well, he's a bit of a lager lout,
45:11and you don't get carrot juice louts, do you?
45:13You with a lager lout?
45:14Yeah.
45:15He's dead ignorant.
45:16He's great.
45:17You're just trying to annoy me now, aren't you?
45:19Bye, Elvis.
45:21I'm no longer there, therefore I'm gone.
45:28Oh, Simon.
45:30I see you have a companion tonight.
45:34Oh, we're not speaking.
45:36What an improvement on our previous conversation.
45:40Really?
45:41Hey, you're at such pace to tell you're giving up sex forever.
45:43Don't you know she's wasting her time?
45:48Terrific.
45:51Salt.
45:53Salt, come here.
45:56I just thought a little chat would be nice.
45:58Oh, God.
45:59Well, am I that inhuman?
46:01Have we drifted that far apart?
46:03Sorry, sorry, no.
46:05No, I just, um...
46:07Well, I'd like us to get closer some.
46:11I mean, I would, you know.
46:12I mean, much closer.
46:15Much, much closer.
46:19So would I, now.
46:21I'll be going away soon.
46:22Where?
46:23Nairobi.
46:25I don't want to quibble, Dad, but...
46:27will that not prove a slight obstacle to our getting closer?
46:31Well, no, I hope you'll come out and visit us regularly, you know.
46:34With Jenny.
46:36I've heard.
46:37Yeah.
46:38And?
46:39Well, I'm in no position to express any views, am I?
46:42The cock-up I've made of my life, up until now.
46:45I hope you'll come to look on Corinna as a new mother, you know.
46:49Without, of course...
46:50Hello, Rita, love.
46:51Rita, love.
46:52Without, of course, losing your old mother as a...
46:54Old mother?
46:55As a Jenny.
46:56Hello, Jenny.
46:57Hello, darling.
46:58Hello.
46:59Yes, I...
47:00Listen, I wish you both much happiness,
47:03and I hope you'll come out to Nairobi and visit us regularly.
47:07Right?
47:11That's incredible.
47:13I know, Nairobi.
47:15I meant my dad being nice to me.
47:17Liz, I'd like you to go and talk to Rita.
47:20Oh, Neville.
47:21If you don't, Liz, if you persist in this exaggerated and thoroughly stupid feud,
47:25I'm warning you, I shall still love you.
47:30But hatred is so destructive.
47:33Political hatred, religious hatred, racial hatred, sexual hatred, all hatred.
47:38Mouths that hate grow hard and ugly.
47:41Eyes that hate reveal how self-destructive hatred is.
47:46Life is so short, and people waste so much of it on hate.
47:51I shall love you however you behave.
47:54But for your sake, darling, I beg you one last time.
47:59Make your peace with Rita.
48:09More fruit juice needed.
48:16Extraordinary.
48:17No alcohol has been served.
48:19Nobody has had a drop.
48:21Yet the buzz has grown louder.
48:23The chat more cheery.
48:24Inhibitions have begun to break down,
48:26as if being sociable is itself an intoxicant.
48:29What do you think?
48:30What's your explanation?
48:32Yes.
48:40I think your mother's thinking of coming over and talking to me.
48:43Oh, I hope so.
48:44Oh, Lord, shall I go and meet her or what? I feel like a jelly.
48:48Go on.
48:56They're going to talk.
48:58Great. I'm glad.
49:01No, I mean I really am.
49:02But?
49:03No, no buts, my cherry blossom.
49:09Hello?
49:11Oh, you came!
49:13How could I not, Rita? How could I not?
49:17Hello, Liz.
49:19Do you know Liz?
49:20I'm her brother.
49:26Good God.
49:28Good Lord.
49:29Good heavens.
49:43Good Lord.
50:13Good Lord.