A Bit Of A Do S02E01 The Church Wedding
A Bit Of A Do S02E01 The Church Wedding
Transcript
00:00Oh Angela, that sounds fun. Unfortunately we can't. I've got a bit of a do on. A wedding.
00:13Well no, I mean you know how shy I am. But Neville just loves dressing up.
00:18A bit of a do. A bit of a do. Smiling faces in public places. Trying to hide your problems from your friends and relations. A bit of a do. Invited to a bit of a do.
00:42It's a small town, hush nosh affair. Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too. Others who are seeing through you. A bit of a do. All tickety boo.
01:07New dimensions for family tensions. Mentioning the little things that shouldn't be mentioned. A bit of a do. A bit of a do. Invited to a bit of a do.
01:24Hello Jerry, you look wonderful. Thank you. Doesn't he Neville? Neville? What? I was saying Jerry looks wonderful. Oh yes, absolutely wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
01:44Isn't Rita lucky? Oh yes, absolutely lucky old Rita. I mean isn't he a simply gorgeous man? Yes he is. I mean gorgeous isn't a word. You're looking very handsome Jerry. Well so are both of you. I mean you're handsome and Liz is gorgeous. Thank you. Very much.
02:07Liz, I don't query the basic truth of what was said but wasn't that rather too much of a mutual admiration society? Oh Neville, I was trying to make you jealous. What? By praising Jerry. Why should I be jealous? I wanted you to think I found him attractive. Well maybe you do. He is attractive. I imagine. To a woman, which you are. I am trying to get you to show me how fiercely possessive you can be when aroused. Oh I see. Sorry. Oh Neville, you're hopeless. I'm sorry.
02:36No, it's why I love you I suppose. Because I'm hopeless. I see. No you don't. You don't see anything. I see Jenny. Hello darling. Hello mum. Hello Neville. Where's Paul? He wouldn't come. He says he'd find it impossible to dredge up a smile. Oh dear. Honesty can be so socially inconvenient.
02:58I think Paul's trying to be ultra honest with me in order to try to make me forget the time he was dishonest with me over Carol Fordingbridge. Oh how sophisticated his feelings are. No wonder he's doing so well at his road sweeping. Oh mum. Oh lord, now look what you've made me do. Oh lord, I didn't. Oh why do I always. Oh darling, say something very nice, very quickly.
03:25Those scrambled eggs we had this morning were really delicious. Oh Neville, you're hopeless.
03:32Jenny, are you alright? Yes, fine, great, terrific. Is Paul alright? No, he's got a touch of a slight. Oh I can't lie. Paul and I promised no more lies. He's refused to come.
03:59I see. But you have. Oh yes. I think one has to accept what happens in life and try to make the best of it. Terrific. Oh I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, not today.
04:12Oh well, Elvis has come anyway. In a suit. How carefully calculated his little acts of rebellion are. You see, you laugh at us. Hello Elvis, hello Carol. I couldn't bring myself to wear my own undress I'm afraid. Why should you? What do appearances matter? Good for you, say I.
04:30Ted! Dad. Hello. I just happened to be passing, you know, and I saw Gerry standing there in mourning dress and I thought, oh God, it must be Rita's wedding.
04:45So I thought I'd just pop over and say hello. Hello Jenny, hello. Hello Carol, Elvis. Yes, I thought I'd pop over and see the woman I was married to for 25 years, launched on her new idyll of bliss as it were.
05:00You just happened to be passing, in full mourning dress. Oh yes, yes, yes. I was on my way to another wedding, fully enough, you know, a coincidence. It's the wedding of, no it's the wedding of...
05:15What was Hayek is like? I mean why pretend? I've come to bury the hatchet, you know, give Rita my blessings. She still means a lot to me, I'm what he is after all, the second most happiest day of her life.
05:31I know it's unconventional behaviour, but then Ted Simcock has never given a fig for convention. No, I won't be coming to the reception, obviously. Obviously. Quite. That's by invitation only. Quite. Obviously.
05:47But the church is public. If I read an unwritten constitution correctly, so I thought I'd come to the church.
05:58Mourning dress. As befits. I thought you didn't give a fig for convention, Dad. You have to know which figs you give for which conventions. That is maturity of judgement in my book.
06:12Hello. Ted. Good Lord, you here. Hello, little sister. Where's Paul? What have I said? Oh, come on, Simon, let's get inside. We're all better at it. It's nearly five to.
06:31You're looking very spacious today, Simon. Oh, belter. I hope my presence here isn't unwelcome, Jerry. Do you really want Rita to be happy with me?
06:42Well, yes, of course I do. I mean, I do. What sort of man do you take me for? In that case, you're very welcome indeed, Ted. Thank you, Jerry. Is there anyone in my life? Oh, yes.
06:56I'm very pleased to say there is. I'm glad to say my recent armour still flourishes. Oh, yes. I'm a very lucky man.
07:26She's laid. She's exercising her prerogative. We could seem like a breed of dog.
07:56Supposing she doesn't turn up? Carol, she couldn't. She wouldn't. That'd be awful. Awful? It'd be rather wonderful, though, wouldn't it?
08:27If she doesn't come soon, I'll have to truncate the ceremony. Truncate the ceremony? I don't want a truncated ceremony. I haven't paid a truncated licence fee.
08:38I'll have another wedding later. The groom's a counsellor, and I do not intend to have to delay an important wedding on my very first week here.
08:46She's not coming. She's jolted him. Oh, well. Maybe she's had an accident. No, I know it. I feel it. I don't know whether to feel glad or sad.
09:01I never do these days. Except about us. Oh, what a lovely man. If we weren't in church, I'd kiss you.
09:10Maybe Jerry isn't getting married after all. And maybe he'll still have cause to feel jealous. Liz, I respect you far too much to feel that I need ever feel jealous. Oh, Neville.
09:24Five more minutes. Your precious counsellor will have to wait for you. I think you should know that I just happen to be the prospective Social Liberal Democratic Parliamentary candidate for Hindhead.
09:43He's a serving counsellor, not prospective. And he's on the Fabric Restoration Appeal Committee. Five minutes.
09:55Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. It looks as if there has been a hitch. I'm afraid I have no alternative for the moment, as we have further nocturals pending on a tight schedule at this ever popular venue.
10:23But to regretfully suspend the wedding for the moment. Mr. Horton, would you please play us out?
10:31Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. It seems that something has delayed, Rita. Or something.
10:56Until we find out what, and bearing in mind that many of you have travelled a long way, many from Hindhead and some from even further afield, and as the reception, it does seem criminal to waste all that lovely food.
11:12Now, we in the Social Liberal Democratic Party do believe that all waste of food is totally unjustified in a world where so many haven't enough to eat.
11:21So, whatever has happened, if indeed it has, I think the best course would be to proceed to the reception as if nothing had happened. I mean, as if nothing hadn't happened. Thank you.
11:37You know Rita better than any man on earth, Ted. Why has she done this to me?
11:42Well, you know, look on the bright side, Jerry. She might have had an accident. No, I don't mean knock, but I mean a minor accident. I mean, I did hear a siren.
11:52I've checked. There's been no accident. That was a policeman going home for his lunch. I shall write a strong letter of protest. She's jilted me, Ted.
12:02My dear. What can I say, Jerry? I'm very, very sorry. I'm shattered. I'm devastated. Goodbye, Jerry.
12:20There's no need to go now. May as well come to the reception.
12:24You are?
12:25We're colleagues now. Members of the same exclusive club.
12:29Hello, he's had his lunch. Exclusive club? What exclusive club?
12:33A club of men whose lives have been made miserable by Rita Simcox.
12:37Oh. Oh, aye, yeah, I suppose we are. Yeah, but I mean, is it appropriate that I, as her ex-husband, should be present?
12:48You know, at your... Yes. Yes, I will. Thank you very much. Thank you, Jerry.
13:00Seems wrong to enjoy anything on such an awful occasion, but this sea trout in wine jelly is absolutely delicious.
13:07I must go and say something to Jerry. Why?
13:10I'm not an unimaginative man, Liz. I can imagine how he must feel. Upset.
13:15I mean, I was thinking how I'd have felt if Jane hadn't turned up at our wedding.
13:19But not me. What?
13:21Well, you married me as well, or had you forgotten? No, of course not. How absurd.
13:25It's just that it was Jane not turning up that you instinctively thought of, because she meant so much more to you than I do.
13:30Thank you, Noel. No, Liz, of course not. I love you. I'm the father of your child.
13:34Hello, Ted. Oh, Helen.
13:37Well, no, not actually the father, no, but we won't go into that.
13:41No, I mentioned my marriage to Jane, I suppose, because I was married to her for so much longer than to you.
13:46So far.
13:48Anyway, Jerry's in need of support, and it's up to me to give it.
13:51Why you?
13:53Because I'm a man of the world.
13:55A man whose working life brings him into daily contact with sorrow and distress.
13:59I'm a man who knows what to say.
14:01Well, what are you going to say?
14:03I don't know. Oh, Lord.
14:16Marvellous.
14:19Marvellous spread.
14:21Paid for by him, I should imagine.
14:23And rather more generously than the one poor Lawrence laid on.
14:26A lot of tuna fish and olive oil inside.
14:28Odd, isn't it? No, I think it's very sensible.
14:31I hated those tuna fish and olive oils.
14:33No, no, I meant about me and you being here in this very room.
14:37You know, less than two years ago, in this very room,
14:40we went upstairs to the very room above this very room and made love.
14:44I had remembered.
14:47How is my baby? Flourishing.
14:49I wish you wouldn't talk about him, Ted.
14:51I care about him.
14:53Does he still take after me, does he?
14:55No, no, he's losing the resemblance rapidly.
14:58Which I would say shows a remarkable degree of tact for a ten-month-old baby.
15:17Mm.
15:19Ted Simcock. Of course you are.
15:22Oh. What?
15:24I've been hearing interesting things about you. Oh.
15:27What? You're opening a new restaurant on Arbitration Road.
15:30Mm. Well, I mean, how did you know that?
15:34I've made it my business to find out about you.
15:37Good heavens. You interest me.
15:40Good Lord.
15:42Good God.
15:46Oh, no.
15:48All that.
15:50Yes, I love that whole area of Surrey.
15:52Farnham, Guildford, Hogsback.
15:55Neville. I'm not interrupting, am I?
15:57No, no, no, no.
15:59Excuse me. Honey, I felt I had to come and talk to you.
16:02You see, Jerry, I've... I've been there.
16:06Been where? Guildford? Guildford.
16:08We were just talking about Guildford.
16:10Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
16:12No, I mean I have been to Guildford.
16:14Nice place, especially the old part.
16:16No, I meant I, too.
16:18Jane and I went to the theatre there with friends.
16:22No, and a little Chinese restaurant.
16:25Nice, crunchy duck.
16:27It's funny how these things stick in your...
16:29No, I meant I, too, have known great sorrow.
16:32I, too, have visited the pit of despair.
16:35I know how you're feeling. Ah, dreadful.
16:38What? You're feeling dreadful.
16:40Fancy you sensing that. How shrewd.
16:43I'd like to promise you, not as a cliché,
16:45because it can be a cliché, you'll get over this, Jerry.
16:48Time is a great healer.
16:50Why don't you stuff a sea trout in your gob
16:53and drown yourself in wine, Jerry?
16:59Sandra, what are you doing here?
17:02They phoned just after you left. They'd been let down.
17:05I held out for double overtime. I thought you'd be chuffed.
17:08Yes, I know. Very nice, very useful.
17:10Put it towards the new curtains. I mean, I'm dead chuffed, but...
17:14I know, but I'd never drink your beer.
17:16No, well, I'll have a sliver of the salmon, please, waitress.
17:21Well, I...
17:24I didn't know I'd be here, either.
17:26You're ashamed of me. You don't want anyone to see you talking to me.
17:30And it's sea trout, any road.
17:32Look, that's rubbish, Sandra. It's rubbish.
17:34It's just that I don't want anyone to see you talking to me.
17:38Well, in case you get sacked, you know, lose the double overtime.
17:41I mean to say, I'll have some of the salad niçoise,
17:44as we call it in the catering industry. Thank you.
17:47So, a sensational day.
17:50Sensational.
17:52Aren't you pleased?
17:53Yeah, aren't you?
17:55Only because he's not right for her.
17:57Not because...
17:59Rita and I are over, Sandra.
18:02I know.
18:03Oh, honestly, love, we are. It's over, finito, if you want.
18:07I know. I've seen how you talk to that tarty piece.
18:10She is not a tarty piece.
18:14No idea who you're talking about, any road.
18:17Sorry, you smitten.
18:19You sod. Bean salad, sir?
18:22Yes, please, madam. Thank you.
18:24I'm not smitten, Sandra. I am not.
18:26Look, it's just that I like to get things right, right?
18:29And the lady to whom, I assume, you refer,
18:32to whom I was having a brief, sophisticated exchange of views on bourgeois nouveau
18:37happens not to be a tarty piece, all right?
18:39Bourgeois nouveau? Aye.
18:41The only nouveau you've ever drunk is Sexton's nouveau.
18:44She's a tarty piece and you're besotted.
18:46She is not. She's a classy, elegant, attractive woman.
18:48I am not besotted.
18:49Mayonnaise, sir?
18:51Yes, thank you.
18:52Sandra.
18:53Ah!
19:01Hungry.
19:03Don't get stoffed.
19:08Ah, the silly toes. Calm the waters.
19:11What?
19:12Well, who'd think Rita'd do a thing like this?
19:15Will we ever understand the minds of people?
19:18You were going to say the minds of women.
19:20Then thought I'd accuse you of being sexist?
19:22What a thing for Rita to do, though.
19:24Oh, yes. How to upstage everyone by not being present.
19:27Oh, no, that's not what I meant.
19:29So, what are you two planning now that your chickens will never come home to roost again?
19:33We're opening a health food complex.
19:35With a whole food vegetarian restaurant.
19:38Liz.
19:41And Mr and Mrs Frozen Trump's selling nut cutlets.
19:45Why is it that everybody always thinks that vegetarian food is nothing but funny old laughable nut cutlets?
19:50My God, you're serious converts.
19:53Liz.
19:54Oh, Lord, I shouldn't laugh at anything today, should I?
19:57Sorry, Neville. Social lapse over.
20:00Can I get you two a drink?
20:01Oh, thank you. Grape juice, please.
20:03Apple juice, please.
20:07Hello.
20:08What an extraordinary, um...
20:10What can I say?
20:12What can one say?
20:13I'm, uh...
20:15This is an unprecedented moment in our island's history, Carol.
20:18An estate agent lost for words.
20:20Oh, here we go. It's bash and estate agent time.
20:23It's monk and easy target time.
20:25You could say the situation leaves considerable scope for improvement,
20:29which as estate agent is for a ginormous cock-up.
20:31Well, except it isn't.
20:33What?
20:34You never wanted your mum to marry him.
20:36Well, no, but I didn't want her to do that to him.
20:39I believe you're starting to like him now. He isn't going to be your new father.
20:43Hey, uh, when are you two lovebirds going to name the date, then?
20:48Thank God I'm not cursed with good manners.
20:50What?
20:51Trying to change the subject so tactfully.
20:53Except it wasn't tactful, was it?
20:55What?
20:56He won't name the date, Simon, until I've passed my philosophy finals.
20:59What?
21:00Oh, bloody hell, stop saying what alternately, will you?
21:03I've yet to satisfy Elvis, Simon,
21:05that I'm a mentally worthy partner for his philosophical journey through life.
21:09What?
21:10Oh!
21:15Women.
21:16I know.
21:17They have an uncomfortable habit of hitting on the truth, don't they?
21:21Simon, that was almost clever.
21:23I know. I have the occasional flash.
21:26How is your sex life?
21:27Non-existent.
21:29I've given it up.
21:31That married woman I showed round one of our properties
21:34was the last woman I will ever have in my life.
21:37That's funny.
21:38I got the impression she was the first woman you'd ever had in your life.
21:42She was the first woman and the last woman I will ever have in my life.
21:46I hate sex. It terrifies me.
21:51I've admitted it.
21:53I'm a happy man, Elvis.
21:57Oh, hello, Jenny.
21:59What on earth are you wearing?
22:01Thank you.
22:02It's made out of llama wool by very poor Peruvian Indians who need our support.
22:07Several llamas died to make that possible.
22:10And you're a vegetarian.
22:11Nobody's ever suggested that having a social conscience is easy, Elvis.
22:15I'm sorry, Jenny.
22:18You look lovely.
22:19Paul's a lucky man.
22:21So are you.
22:22You what?
22:23Carol's lovely too.
22:25Oh, Carol. Yeah, right.
22:28So you don't resent her for what she did with Paul, then?
22:32Not any more.
22:33That's all over. Sorted out.
22:35It's time to move on to a deeper and ever more satisfying plateau of shared feelings and emotions.
22:40So you're happy, then?
22:42Happy?
22:44I thought you were a philosopher.
22:46Happiness is unattainable.
22:53Elvis, we've got a proposition for you.
22:56How would you like to work for me again?
22:58For us?
22:59Oh, yes, us. Absolutely. Quite.
23:01What I meant.
23:02Work for you? What us?
23:04A food complex.
23:05An old food vegetarian restaurant.
23:11Sorry, sorry. No, that sounds great.
23:15Sadly, it clashes with my career structure.
23:18Career structure?
23:19Yes, I've got a job with local radio.
23:23I'm moving into the media.
23:28Betty.
23:29Betty.
23:33Jerry?
23:35It's a lovely buffet, Jerry.
23:37Usually sit down these days, aren't they?
23:39But I like a buffet on an occasion such as this would have been.
23:43Betty, it's a very nice do-all together, Jerry.
23:46A great... well, not success, exactly.
23:50I know, because of the non...
23:51Betty.
23:52It's quite all right.
23:53I do still remember that my fiancée hasn't turned up.
23:57She's well out of it. There's a lusty streak there.
24:00She's surprised.
24:01She's not exactly having a very nice day.
24:03Rodney.
24:04Rodney, who's that woman that Ted's talking to?
24:06Betty, don't be so inquisitive.
24:08It's not the right social attitude now you're joint managing director of...
24:12of, um...
24:13Oh.
24:14You're a fascinating man, Ted.
24:16You have a wonderful, earthy appeal.
24:20Good Lord.
24:22Are you surprised that I find you interesting?
24:24No, no, not about that.
24:26Well, I mean, yes, yes, I am a bit.
24:28I don't want you to think I'm big-headed or nothing like that.
24:30No, I was just surprised because, um...
24:32they say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place twice.
24:36What? What lightning?
24:38Nothing.
24:39Incidentally, I don't think that I know your name.
24:42Corinna.
24:43Price-Rogerson.
24:44Corinna. Price-Rogerson.
24:46Ah, right.
24:47Corinna, um...
24:48would you sauté your onions first?
24:50Oh, I see. Very clever. Yeah.
24:52I beg your pardon?
24:53Oh, it's all right.
24:54It's just that I didn't want the waitress to overhear.
24:56Oh, you know her?
24:57Oh, no, no, no.
25:00No, no.
25:01It's just that not in front of the servants.
25:03Oh, my God.
25:04That's an old-fashioned attitude even in my family.
25:07Tell me, tell me about your family.
25:09They're all in East Africa.
25:11Daddy's a bishop.
25:12Ah, I see.
25:13And are you, um...
25:15I mean, have you got, um...
25:16I mean, have you ever had a husband, as it were?
25:20No, I've never married.
25:21Good Lord.
25:23Thank you.
25:24Some women are choosy, Ted.
25:26They wait for Mr Wrack to come along.
25:28I'm divorced, as you probably, um...
25:31Yeah, well, I was in business.
25:34You know, I had a little iron foundry
25:36specialising in domestic artefacts.
25:39Domestic artefacts?
25:41Yeah, you know, boot scrapers, toasting forks, door knockers,
25:44wrought iron clocks.
25:46You know, I wound that all up and I moved laterally into catering.
25:51Corinna, you are very, very lovely.
25:57This room is so public.
25:59Ted, I have an idea.
26:01Good God, good God.
26:03Sorry?
26:04Lightning does strike twice in the same place twice.
26:06What?
26:07You've got a room upstairs.
26:08What? Room upstairs? What room upstairs?
26:10No, no, I mean, when you said, um...
26:13I mean, there's room upstairs.
26:15I mean, there are rooms upstairs.
26:18Oh, I imagine. I mean, I don't know.
26:20I mean, I've never been up there.
26:21I mean, there must be, mustn't there?
26:22I mean, it'd be a funny hotel if they didn't have any rooms.
26:24And I thought I might like to book one.
26:26You know, a double, double, double cream and a little quiche.
26:29Oh, yes, that's the secret, eh?
26:31No.
26:32You do know that, waitress.
26:34That's the secret.
26:36Ted.
26:37Mm-hm?
26:38Why don't you and I get together?
26:41Hmm?
26:42Financial consultant?
26:44I might be able to help you.
26:46Why don't you take me to dinner next Tuesday?
26:48Oh, well...
26:50Sir, madam, some canapes.
26:53Yes, thank you, waitress.
26:55I will just try one of these Tuesdays.
26:57Excuse me.
26:59Ted, the very man.
27:01We have an emerging new business and you have a great big hole.
27:04You what?
27:06In line, where your foundry used to be.
27:08No, no, no, no. Can't be let bygones be bygones.
27:11Will you work for me? Us.
27:14Well, I haven't got a great big hole.
27:16Mr Albert is installing me as manager at his new sister restaurant,
27:19to Chez Albert's, called Chez Edouard's.
27:22Oh, Ted.
27:24It's this new business venture of yours, then.
27:27We're opening a health food complex.
27:29With whole food vegetarian restaurant.
27:34Yes.
27:35Isn't it lucky that you have Chez Edouard
27:37and don't need to join our side-splitting, rib-tickling venture?
27:41You're somebody who won't find it funny in your order.
27:43Hello, Jenny, love.
27:45Hello.
27:46Oh, it's great.
27:47I can kiss you without feeling hypocritical
27:49now that you've given up battery chicken farming.
27:51Oh, the perfect cue.
27:53Betty and I are opening a health food complex.
27:56With whole food vegetarian restaurant.
28:01Oh, no, sorry.
28:03That's wonderful.
28:04It's marvellous.
28:06Terrific.
28:07Well done.
28:09So, why the nerve?
28:11Well, not because of the business,
28:14but because it's you.
28:21What a lot of laughing this gathering is causing.
28:23It's nerves, Jerry.
28:24People are finding this difficult.
28:26Me too, funnily enough.
28:27Marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be, Jerry.
28:29What?
28:30I was married for many years, Jerry.
28:32My wife died.
28:33Did I move quietly into the peaceful backwaters of bachelordom?
28:36No.
28:37Dived headfirst back into the chill, choppy waters.
28:39Neville!
28:40Oh, Lord.
28:41Sorry, Jerry.
28:42Liz, don't be a fool.
28:43I was just trying to get him to look on the bright side.
28:45How could you say such things?
28:47Because I didn't mean them.
28:48I was only cheering him up.
28:49You're in danger of cheering up the whole world,
28:51except me, Neville.
28:53News desk, please.
28:59Right.
29:02The old Abbey church has ceased to exist.
29:05The old Abbey church has seen some sensational scenes,
29:08but it's seen few scenes more sensational
29:10than the sensational scenes it's seen today.
29:13The glittering wedding of popular local personality Rita Simcock,
29:17ex-wife of ex-foundry owner Ted Simcock,
29:20to Gerald Lansdowne,
29:21a rising star in the social, liberal, democratic firmament,
29:25was called off today when the bride failed to turn up.
29:28But the reception in the Sir Leonard Hutton room
29:31of the famous old angel...
29:36Cancel all that.
29:37The bride has just swept in in a sensational scene.
29:41Await further developments.
29:42This is Sir Leonard Hut...
29:43This is Elvis Simcock, the Sir Leonard Hutton room,
29:46the angel hotel.
29:50Hello.
30:02Oh, Jerry, I think this is a bad idea.
30:04Oh, Jerry, I think this is the worst day of my life.
30:07I haven't enjoyed myself quite as much as I expected either.
30:10I can't quite work out why.
30:12I can't seem to put my finger on it.
30:14Oh, Jerry.
30:15Am I to have a more eloquent explanation of your incredible behaviour
30:18or am I to have to make do with, oh, Jerry?
30:22Oh, Jerry.
30:24Thank you.
30:27How can I explain?
30:28Try.
30:30Well, suddenly I just couldn't.
30:32Suddenly I realised it was a case of out of the frying pan into the fire.
30:35Oh, I'm a frying pan now.
30:37Terrific.
30:38Shut up, Ted.
30:39Yes, shut up, Ted.
30:40Ted!
30:41What are you doing here?
30:43Well, I wanted to see you happily launched on your new life.
30:47Oh, Ted.
30:50Oh, Jerry.
30:51For the best part of my adult life, I felt like a doormat.
30:55Terrific. Thank you very much, Rita.
30:57Shut up, Ted.
30:58Yes, shut up, Ted.
30:59I see, I'm a frying pan, she's a doormat.
31:01One of the two boys. Garden, no.
31:03Shut up, Ted.
31:04Yes, shut up, Ted.
31:06Just a minute.
31:08Is everybody listening to us?
31:10For God's sake.
31:12Please, I'm trying to have a private conversation with my fianc...
31:17With my ex.
31:18With Jerry.
31:22How were your roses last year, Rodney?
31:24Covered in greenfly.
31:26Really? Ours weren't.
31:28Isn't that extraordinary, Liz?
31:29Rodney's roses were covered in greenfly and ours weren't.
31:31Good old Neville. First to the social rescue again.
31:34You really aren't doing anything, are you?
31:50I'm dreadfully sorry, Jerry.
31:52I would have done anything to spare you this humiliation.
31:55Oh, I think anybody considering how you and I have behaved today
31:58might think it was your humiliation, not mine.
32:00Look, all this is entirely because of me
32:05and because of my past history
32:07and because of how I see my role as a woman.
32:10Ah. Ah-ha.
32:12Well, all right. Ah-ha-ha away.
32:15Jerry, I suddenly realised that I don't want to be a politician's wife.
32:21I mean, your brother said that...
32:24What did my brother say?
32:25Why I let him give you away, I cannot imagine. Where is he?
32:28Well, I wanted to face you on my own.
32:30You see, we were driving along.
32:32We were more than halfway there
32:34and I said, I can't go through with it, Nigel.
32:37So he took me for a drink.
32:39He didn't even try to persuade you?
32:41The bastard.
32:42Oh, he did.
32:44But it was no use.
32:46I had four large gins at the Three Tons
32:51where my appearance caused rather a sensation.
32:54Four players stopped in mid-clunk.
32:58Nigel, I said, I've played second fiddle too long.
33:03I don't want to be an appendage.
33:05I don't want to be a smile on his manifesto.
33:09And what did he say, my wonderful brother?
33:12I can't tell you.
33:13Oh, Rita, you must.
33:15Oh, Lord, he said, um...
33:18He said, Rita, he'll never be elected.
33:20It'll just be one humiliating campaign
33:22and then goodnight, Heinted.
33:25The bastard.
33:26But I said, I didn't believe that.
33:28I mean, you're intelligent, good-looking, energetic.
33:34Apart from an unfortunate tendency towards niceness and honesty,
33:39you have all the qualities a politician needs.
33:42But you see, Gerry, when it came to the crunch,
33:44I realised that I don't love you enough to give up my career.
33:49What career?
33:50Precisely.
33:52I must do something soon.
33:55I mean, I don't love you enough to fill my garden
33:58with Bulgarian wine, Limeswell cheese
34:02and hordes of frantically argumentative moderates.
34:06I realised that I have to release you before I traps you.
34:11And I'm so very, very sorry.
34:15And really, dear, dear Gerry, there's nothing more to be said.
34:20Oh, Lord, I'd better explain to them before I cry.
34:26Ladies and gentlemen...
34:34Ladies and gentlemen,
34:37I want to apologise to you all for ruining this dreadful day.
34:42I mean, for ruining this wonderful day
34:45that it would have been if I hadn't ruined it.
34:48Ladies and gentlemen, and everybody else,
34:52what I've done today is because of being a woman
34:56and because of the unhappiness of my first marriage.
35:00Oh, terrific. I'm having a wonderful day.
35:03Shut up, Ted. Yes, shut up, Ted.
35:05No, shut up, Gerry. Leave this to me.
35:09Ladies and gentlemen, Gerry has been very good to me.
35:14The best and most generous lover I've ever had.
35:18Oh, tremendous.
35:20Shut up, Ted. Yes, shut up, Ted.
35:24Starved of true love as I have been for most of my life.
35:28Shut up, Ted.
35:30I mistook my gratitude and my freedom for love.
35:35I thought I wanted to marry Gerry,
35:38but I realised that I don't want to be a manifesto
35:41and I don't want to end up as a smile on his appendage.
35:45She's drunk. Yes.
35:47And it takes one to know one.
35:50I am a bit drunk
35:52because I had three large tuns at the Four Gins and Tonic.
35:59Oh, no.
36:01No. Coffee, please.
36:04Black. For a black day.
36:09Ladies and gentlemen,
36:12Gerry will meet a fine woman
36:15who will love him as I can't.
36:19And you...
36:21You will all forget this day.
36:25Please.
36:29I am so sorry.
36:34Oh, no.
36:39I'm all right now.
36:42Suddenly I'm all right.
36:44I feel very small and very cold but very sober.
36:50Thank you.
36:54How lovely she would have looked.
36:56How magnificent her dress would have been.
36:59It still is.
37:01You know what I mean.
37:03Sad to see her drunk, though.
37:05It's always sad when somebody you like and admire
37:08lets themselves down in public.
37:10More grape juice. Please.
37:15Where's Paul?
37:18He refused to come.
37:20Oh, good for him. Oh, terrific.
37:22I face up to the total embarrassment of the occasion
37:25because I love you and Paul gets praised for copying out.
37:27Elvis, your mother's got enough problems without you getting in a temper.
37:31Carol, I am not getting in a temper.
37:33No, I know. I've seen your tempers.
37:36Like when I put tomato puree in the coq au vin.
37:38Carol!
37:39I don't suppose your hero, Jean-Paul Sartre, ever lost his temper
37:41because Simone de Beauvoir put tomato puree in the coq au vin.
37:44That's the whole point.
37:45Simone de Beauvoir would never have put tomato puree in the coq au vin.
37:48Elvis, three-quarters of the world are starving.
37:51I know and I deplore it but I fail to see any logical link
37:53between that and putting tomato puree in coq au vin.
37:56This is ridiculous. We've got more urgent things to talk about.
37:58No, I don't think I can take any more talk about the urgent things.
38:02Let's talk about tomato puree.
38:07Nobody's got anything to say about tomato puree, it seems.
38:10Hello?
38:12Hello, Simon. Sorry to ruin your day.
38:15Oh, not at all. It's been a terrific...
38:17Well, no, not a terrific.
38:20Not at all terrific, of course.
38:22But apart from not being terrific, it's been, um...
38:27Well, terrific?
38:29Well, yes. Yes, it has.
38:31I've spotted a flaw in your logic.
38:34What?
38:36You said you faced up to the total embarrassment of the occasion
38:39but you didn't know it was going to be embarrassing when you faced it.
38:43I was talking about the embarrassment of Mum marrying Gerry,
38:46not the embarrassment of her not marrying him.
38:53I can't seem to do anything right these days.
38:56Settle for celibacy, Carol.
38:58I have, and it's terrific.
39:00I mean, look at all the chaos the sexual urges get people into.
39:04Yes. Oh, yes.
39:07Oh, no, Rita, I wasn't meaning you.
39:10Come on, Simon.
39:12Well, no, Carol, don't leave.
39:15I've got this feeling that if I'm left on my own,
39:18Ted will loom up and I can't face that yet.
39:21Oh, right.
39:27Is it wrong to put tomato puree in coq au vin?
39:31Well, I wouldn't know.
39:33Ted never let me cook anything foreign.
39:36Ah.
39:38It's our card.
39:40We open next month.
39:42Our cuisine is basically a marriage
39:44between the bountifulness of Yorkshire hospitality
39:47and the flair and je ne sais quoi of cuisine nouvelle.
39:51Who's your chef?
39:54Well, that's a slight snag at the moment.
39:56If you'd like to present one of these during our first week,
39:59I'll entitle you to a free half-cariff of house wine.
40:02Thank you. Very generous.
40:04Excuse me. Um...
40:07I must speak to Rita. Neville!
40:10She looks rather trapped with Carol, who has no conversation.
40:13She'll be feeling awful.
40:15No. She's found a day in ordeal, I haven't realised.
40:18In Rita's case, I feel it's my duty to talk to her.
40:21She once carried a bit of a torch for me.
40:23Good God, Neville!
40:24I'd have thought that was a particular reason for not talking to her.
40:27I'm going to talk to her, Liz.
40:29By all means, come to if you feel like it.
40:33I used tomato puree in moussaka.
40:36Oh!
40:38Probably that's wrong too.
40:40Probably I'm dead ignorant.
40:42I'm sure you're a very good little cook.
40:44No.
40:46Elvis says he'll have to do all the cooking
40:48when we give media dinner parties.
40:50Media dinner parties?
40:52My son, philosopher, rebel and slob,
40:55is going to give media dinner parties?
40:58Oh, Carol!
41:00Hello. All shipshape and Bristol fashion.
41:03Absolutely.
41:05Carol and I have just been having a fascinating little chat about tomato puree.
41:09Jolly good.
41:11Rita, I'd like to say that whatever you may think,
41:14and whatever you may think anybody else thinks,
41:16and I think if you knew what they were thinking,
41:18you might find that they aren't thinking what you think they're thinking.
41:21I think, in fact I know,
41:24I have never admired you as much as today.
41:31Never!
41:39Excuse me.
41:43You've been avoiding me.
41:45No, no, no, no, no, no.
41:48Can I... I just wanted to say that
41:50meeting you today has been very, very exciting for me.
41:53I mean, I feel...
41:55Aflame with desire?
41:57It's true. Lightning does strike twice in the same place twice.
42:00Twice?
42:01Nothing.
42:03I'd love to be alone with you, Corinna.
42:05I can't wait for Tuesdays. We'll be stewsdays.
42:08That's special stewsdays every Tuesdays,
42:10and Sundays, like most days, will be roast days.
42:13Look, I... Thank you, Sandra.
42:15Thank you, Sandra.
42:20Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,
42:23um, I'm off now.
42:26I'd just like to apologise for the way the day has turned out
42:29and to thank you all for coming,
42:31and for all the presents, which were just what we...
42:34would have wanted,
42:36and will be returned.
42:38I'm off to Capri now.
42:40I had rather hoped my bride would be with me,
42:42as I understand this is customary on these occasions.
42:46But I'm going anyway.
42:49It's all paid for, and I deplore waste of every kind.
42:52It says so in my bloody manifesto, so it must be true.
43:02You feel up to facing everybody?
43:04Oh, yes.
43:06I don't think I shall run away now.
43:08And thank you, Liz.
43:11Thank you.
43:18Well...
43:20Yes.
43:23What a mess.
43:26Yes.
43:29Oh, well.
43:32So how did you feel, Ted?
43:34Sad? Happy? Triumphant?
43:38Really, Rita, as if I...
43:40I mean, really.
43:42I felt embarrassed, Rita, for you, for Gerry, for me.
43:45For you? Yes.
43:47Rita made some rather nasty insinuations about my prowess as a lover...
43:50Ted, not now.
43:52Right, all right. Subject closed.
43:54I know now's not the time nor the place.
43:57Well, I mean it was, though, wasn't it?
44:00A bit below the belt.
44:02As it were.
44:04No, Ted, it was not below the belt.
44:07I was referring to your emotional commitment, not your physical prowess.
44:12You're all right in that department.
44:15And there are some people in this room who could second that, I'm sure.
44:20I really must go and, um...
44:23Uh...
44:25Chief Neville's all right? Yes, exactly.
44:28Thank you.
44:31Uh...
44:33We have to get a few things straight, Ted.
44:36My not marrying Gerry hasn't anything to do with any feelings for you.
44:39I'm not coming back to you ever.
44:41No, no, I know.
44:43I've...
44:45Well, I've reconciled myself to that.
44:50So I see.
44:52You what?
44:54That rather striking woman who just passed.
44:58Do you notice everything?
45:00I am a woman. Yes.
45:02I don't know. Here you are, worrying about your sexual prowess
45:06and you're surrounded by your conquests.
45:08Oh, don't exaggerate, Rita.
45:10Me, Liz, that striking woman, the waitress...
45:14Waitress? What waitress?
45:16The waitress you live in with, the one you're so busy trying to keep a secret
45:19that everybody knows about her.
45:21You mean that you... You...
45:23Oh, heck.
45:25Oh, heck.
45:27I even saw Doreen from the Frimley Building Society going into the other bar.
45:31All we need now is that blonde Swedish nymphomaniac and Big Bertha from Nuremberg
45:35and we'd have the full set.
45:37Ted and his women.
45:39Rita, why rake over cold ashes, eh?
45:41Why spoon up dead custard, eh?
45:43The past is dead. It's dead.
45:48How is Doreen? I mean, you know, how's she looking?
45:52Well, here we are, almost like...
45:55Well, no, not very much like old times.
45:58No, not very.
46:00Hello. Oh, hello, Elvis.
46:02I heard your sports bulletin yesterday.
46:05Very pithy.
46:07Thank you, Liz. I aimed for pith.
46:10Then you succeeded.
46:12Hello. Everybody gathered.
46:15Almost like...
46:17No, not really at all like old times.
46:20No.
46:23Well, I'm very grateful to you all for rallying round,
46:26but I think it's about time I face the massed ranks of Jerry's friends and relations now.
46:31Is there really any point?
46:33I mean, you've explained to them already. Can you add anything?
46:36Perhaps not.
46:38Perhaps we'd better all go home.
46:41Home?
46:43When I tell Paul he's going to be so sick he missed it...
46:47Oh, Lord, I shouldn't have said that. Not today.
46:50Oh, Lord, I don't want to cry.
46:52Don't cry. Please, nobody cry.
46:55Because once I start...
46:57Do you know one of the reasons why I couldn't marry Jerry?
46:59He probably sounded ever so silly, but he never had any doubts.
47:02He always thought he was right about everything.
47:04Now, I doubt whether I could live with anybody who never had any doubts.
47:07I don't understand.
47:08I do.
47:10I do, Elvis.
47:12I never said a word.
47:13I have doubts. Tremendous doubts.
47:16I'm constantly testing my beliefs against my doubts.
47:19And I don't intend to hide that, even from the selection committee.
47:22No, I don't see why you should...
47:24Selection committee? What selection committee?
47:26I'm thinking of entering politics myself.
47:29I mean, in a very minor way.
47:31I'm putting myself up as Labour candidate for the Brackley Ward Council by election.
47:35Great! No, really, that's fantastic.
47:38Great.
47:40You? In politics?
47:42Thank you, Ted.
47:44I shall have to preserve the full impartiality of my report.
47:48Of course you will.
47:50I'd have expected nothing less from you.
47:52Labour?
47:54Have you discovered nothing at all about my beliefs, Neville?
47:58I'm sorry.
48:01If they'll have me after this.
48:04Oh, God.
48:06Oh, I'm sorry.
48:08I just feel awful.
48:10There you go.
48:14You know, when I first got here,
48:16and I had to face Gerry and everybody,
48:18I didn't feel as bad as I expected.
48:20Perhaps the drama of it keyed me up.
48:23But now, when it's over,
48:25when I wake up in the nights to come, in the months to come,
48:29and I say to myself, no, it wasn't a nightmare,
48:32I, Rita Simcock, did this dreadful thing,
48:36will I ever feel able to smile again?
48:39Will I ever feel able to laugh again?
48:44Hello.
48:45Hello.
48:47Well, all gathered together,
48:49almost like...
48:51No, not really very much like.
48:53No, no, not very.
48:55Not really.
48:58Well,
49:00what are you two busy bees up to these days?
49:03We're opening a health food complex.
49:06A health food vegetarian restaurant.
49:36A health food vegetarian restaurant.
50:06A health food vegetarian restaurant.
50:09A health food vegetarian restaurant.
50:12A health food vegetarian restaurant.
50:15A health food vegetarian restaurant.
50:18A health food vegetarian restaurant.