DRAG ME TO DINNER S01E03 (2023)
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TVTranscript
00:00I'm Neil Patrick Harris, and welcome to my spit-take masterclass.
00:14Tonight, I'll be taking you through the myriad of nuanced approaches to this sacred art form.
00:20Bianca told me that swallowing was the art form.
00:23Murray, please.
00:25The spit-take is an extremely versatile theatrical tool.
00:28Kid, nobody wants to hear about your versatile tool.
00:31A lot of people's reflex is to dismiss it as a cheap gag.
00:35So you're an anti-gag reflex.
00:38Murray, I gotta get through this before the crew's ready for me.
00:40Uh, Mr. Harris, we are ready for you.
00:43What? We got...
00:45Let's go, let's go.
00:48Well, that burns.
00:51♪ Come join our parties They live in room size ♪
00:56♪ When two teams of drag queens Compete for the prize ♪
01:02♪ Who will be the winner? ♪
01:06♪ Tag me, tag me, tag me! ♪
01:10Hey!
01:12Hello there, pals, friends, and folks with an X.
01:15I'm your host, Murray Hill,
01:16the hardest-working, middle-aged man in show business.
01:19Welcome to Drag Me to Dinner,
01:21the show where a few sequins floating in the fondue
01:23is a small price to pay for a good time.
01:26Uh, do I go up there now? No, not yet.
01:28Tonight, two teams of your favorite drag queens
01:31will go head-to-head
01:32to throw dragtastic theme parties for our judges.
01:35Originally from Albuquerque, New Mexico,
01:38his favorite food is chips and salsa,
01:40the yummy Neil Patrick Harris.
01:43In certain circles, she's known as Roy Haley,
01:45drag superstar Bianca del Rio,
01:49and you better know CPR
01:50because she'll take your breath away,
01:52the sizzling Hanifa Wood.
01:54The judges will be focusing on design and decor,
01:57food and drink, and entertainment and overall vibe
02:01to decide which team is greater.
02:03So let's meet tonight's teams.
02:08My name is Vanessa Vanjie Mateo.
02:10I'm that person you can lean on to post inspirational quotes.
02:13Is this, like, a serious answer?
02:15It's me, Alexis Mateo.
02:16I'm loud, I'm Puerto Rican.
02:18And I'm a super powerhouse drag queen.
02:22Hey, y'all! My name is P. Jesse Montgomery.
02:25I am New York City's juiciest, happiest drag artist.
02:31I'm Marti Gold Cummings.
02:32I'm a New York City comedy queen and political activist.
02:37I remember the first time you did drag.
02:39She was way set, just like today.
02:41Yay!
02:43Where did the bottle of tequila come from?
02:46We are here to plan the party of all parties.
02:50The other team better look out.
02:52I'm at the age now where I have grandchildren,
02:53so we get a lot of Botox and filler,
02:55but not recently because I can't afford it.
02:56So hopefully we win.
02:58We are here to beat the other hoes,
03:01because love.
03:02When me and Alexis throw a party,
03:03it's guaranteed to be a good time.
03:04It's guaranteed to get busted by the cops.
03:07It's guaranteed for the cops to join in.
03:08And everybody's gonna walk out bow-legged.
03:11Ladies, come on out!
03:16Get out here, ladies!
03:24Yeah, baby!
03:25Let's go!
03:27You are bringing the heat.
03:29Uh-huh, the tequila.
03:30Veggie, what are you hoping to get out of tonight?
03:33I'm hoping I find myself.
03:36I hope...
03:38I ain't joking, bitch!
03:39I hope I get to, you know, line my chakras together right now.
03:42We got Mercury and Retro Grey.
03:44So I'm just trying to, you know, walk out of the experience
03:46a better version of myself
03:48and possibly get me some...
03:50Well, I can help you with one of those things.
03:52Hey!
03:54Marty, how did you prepare for tonight?
03:56I do...
04:02Whoo!
04:03All right.
04:04Alexis, what's your favorite thing to do in the kitchen?
04:06I don't have sex a lot in the kitchen,
04:08but I would do it if I'm eating at the same time.
04:12Peaches, you're no stranger to the kitchen.
04:14That's true!
04:15Do you feel like you're better than the other queens?
04:18F*** yeah!
04:20These bitches ain't got nothing on me!
04:22Aw!
04:23Period!
04:25We all know the best dinner parties have a theme.
04:27And here to reveal tonight's theme
04:29is our expert and the life of the party,
04:32David Berka!
04:33Whoo!
04:34Come on, Mr. Berka!
04:35Yeah!
04:36Come on, come on, come on!
04:37Yes!
04:38Hi, I'm Murray.
04:39Oh, hey, David!
04:40Hello, ladies!
04:41Hi, buddy!
04:42Hi!
04:43Congratulations!
04:44I feel like I've been waiting nine months to welcome you.
04:47Oh, what?
04:48Tonight's theme...
04:52...is baby showers!
04:54Baby showers!
04:55Oh!
04:56Okay!
04:57And keep in mind, our judges will be observing it all.
04:59Food and drink, design and decor,
05:02entertainment and overall vibe.
05:04So give some thought of what you're gonna do,
05:06whether it's a punch that's tasty and fun,
05:08or a cheese board that's far from boring,
05:11or bite-sized baby quiches.
05:12And if you're feeling overwhelmed,
05:14don't worry.
05:15You'll have two handy helpers to assist you.
05:18Make those judges go,
05:19goo-goo-ga-ga!
05:21Ain't nothing bite-sized, y'all.
05:23Ain't nothing bite-sized.
05:24I really want you to play with your food
05:26and not just with your fingers.
05:28Okay, ladies,
05:29this is your big moment to sparkle for our judges.
05:32And if you do,
05:33you'll be showered with fantastic prizes,
05:35like these.
05:37A baby bottle full of babies.
05:39A nut sack.
05:40Cup tape.
05:41A Fran dresser.
05:43A bathtub of butter.
05:45Eau de Harry Styles.
05:4755 gallons of lube.
05:48A high-five from Bianca del Rio herself.
05:51All the crackers you can carry.
05:53And the grandest prize of them all,
05:56the glorious Golden Grater.
05:59Because one team is great,
06:01but the other is greater.
06:04Okay, queens,
06:05are you ready to get this dinner party started?
06:07Yeah!
06:09All right, start the clock.
06:10Release the queens!
06:14You have 90 minutes to go.
06:17Oh, my God.
06:18Come on out, bitch!
06:19It's time to cook, bitch!
06:20Here's what I'm thinking.
06:21Baby shower,
06:23but we celebrate our roots
06:25in the Toddlers and Tiaras pageant world.
06:27Because we were pageant girls.
06:28We used to be pageant girls.
06:30It's a family show today.
06:31How so?
06:32Both teams are drag mother, drag daughter.
06:35I just think it's such a beautiful thing
06:37because the mother,
06:38they take the young drag queen under their wing
06:41and mentor them and show them the ropes.
06:42It's amazing.
06:44I have no experience with baby showers.
06:46Alexis is the mom, Van.
06:48She's the daughter.
06:49You should be the one having a baby bit.
06:51Having a baby?
06:52Like I'm throwing my daughter a baby shower.
06:56You're gonna need a shot for this one.
06:57A pageant set-up.
06:58Pageant set-up.
06:59We need thrones.
07:01We need balloons.
07:02Pillars.
07:03Marty's the mother and Peaches is the daughter.
07:06It's very hard to tell who the mother and the daughter is.
07:08It's true.
07:09You can't do it by how old they look.
07:12Look at that.
07:13Iconic.
07:15Marty, very big on activism.
07:18Yes.
07:19You like fan it.
07:20You fan it.
07:20She ran for office.
07:21She ran for office and she lost,
07:23so now she's on this show.
07:26It's a great career trajectory.
07:27I would love to be like a backyard
07:30kind of baby shower for you
07:31because you like that kind of girl.
07:33The backyard kind of girl.
07:34A backyard kind of bitch.
07:35Yes.
07:36Help me move the table back up.
07:38Can we get help?
07:39Come on.
07:39Yeah.
07:41We're ready for helpers to rock.
07:44Oh my goodness.
07:45That's intense.
07:47Oh!
07:49Baby grinder came through.
07:52This is like serious competition
07:54and like Peaches has experience cooking.
07:55Have you seen her body?
07:56I knew that bitch don't miss a meal.
07:58What are we going to feed them?
08:01We...
08:04Taco salad.
08:06A wedge salad.
08:07A wedge salad.
08:08Oh my God, we have to make macaroni and cheese.
08:10Peaches, what's a good baby?
08:12Lambs.
08:13Oh!
08:14Lamb.
08:15But it's a baby, so it should be a lamb lollipop.
08:19This is going to be difficult
08:20because I really don't cook.
08:21Do you cook?
08:22I can cook a grilled cheese.
08:23Oh, bitch, that's not cooking.
08:25That's cooking, bitch.
08:26I can make cereal.
08:27That doesn't make I'm a chef.
08:28Bitch.
08:29I want it to be very Latino, though.
08:31It's very Latino.
08:32I've been drinking.
08:34Sandwichito de mezcla.
08:35Yes.
08:36It happens in every Latino party, okay?
08:38Since it is my baby shower,
08:39we're going to give them something sweet,
08:41neat, and ready for eat.
08:42Uh-huh, like?
08:43Chocolate mousse and a dirty-ass diaper
08:45because you're not going to have a baby.
08:47You have to make the people guess
08:49if it's a Hershey's, a Snickers, a chocolate mousse.
08:51Or the flavor.
08:52It's like a flavor game.
08:53Flavor game.
08:54And then for drinks, I'll make,
08:56because I don't drink, so I'll make bubble tea.
08:58An ovulation bubble tea.
09:00It's the eggs going through the fallopian tube
09:02to the promised land of reproduction.
09:07I never get that far in the process.
09:08Okay.
09:09I will make a martini,
09:11but it becomes a placentini.
09:16You make that, bitch.
09:17What we need now is sangria.
09:18What is the sangria called in Potomac?
09:20It's amniotic.
09:22For the postpartum?
09:23It's just a strong drink?
09:25It's a lot of shit we got to do.
09:26You know what we should do?
09:28When the girls are not looking,
09:29we should start mopping their stuff.
09:32Bitch, I'm already on it.
09:33They don't have nothing to use.
09:34Hello?
09:36You should call them over here.
09:37Distract them.
09:38Hey, Shakira and Cher.
09:41What are you talking about?
09:43We're going to do a shot
09:44because it's that time of the day.
09:47I got to stay hydrated.
09:48Okay.
09:50David, did you know Marty back when she drank?
09:54Okay, let's do our water shot, everyone.
09:57Oh, I think there's some sabotage going on.
09:59Oh, there's stealing going on.
10:00Oh.
10:05As always, look at this.
10:07Benji, Benji, Benji.
10:10It's shot o'clock.
10:11Yeah, come on, let's take a shot.
10:13Come on, you dumb bitch.
10:15Let's go.
10:15Let's take a shot.
10:17They didn't even notice.
10:19I don't like water.
10:25Are you serious?
10:27Are you?
10:29Hello?
10:30I got to get on set.
10:34Queens, you have 45 minutes left.
10:3745 minutes?
10:39And you got to complete your food and drinks,
10:41decorate the rooms,
10:42and get ready to entertain the judges.
10:44The baby's due date may be months away,
10:46but the end of this challenge isn't.
10:48So get moving.
10:50This shit got real.
10:51Wait, we got 45 minutes to cook.
10:53We got 45 minutes to cook lamb?
10:55How do you get...
10:56We put the mezcla in the sandwichitos,
10:58spread it out like it's lubing your booty, baby.
11:01Bitch, I remember when...
11:02I forgot what hurricane it was,
11:03but bitch, this is what we had.
11:04Oh, yeah, this is literally tradition
11:06when the power is out.
11:08You're making the taco?
11:09Yeah.
11:10I'm going to get...
11:11I'm going to start working on the lamb
11:12because it's going to take some time to cook.
11:14So, the moves.
11:15You need to put this in here,
11:16and you got to start melting them.
11:18Let me crunch them.
11:19And now the technique I'm using is the, um...
11:22The crush technique.
11:23You see this by professional cookers.
11:25This was a technique that even Mrs. Daffire used.
11:28What is in your boba tea?
11:29I have tapioca because that's like the egg,
11:32and you know I like sperm, so...
11:33Oh!
11:34Now I got to do simple syrup.
11:36This looks disgusting.
11:39♪♪
11:43Ah!
11:44Ah!
11:45Ah!
11:46Ah!
11:48That is so gross.
11:50Oh, God.
11:51Marty, that's not correct.
11:52♪♪
11:57I'm about to just go ahead and, uh,
11:59and go and distract them, and then you grab it, okay?
12:01Because we're going to need that cream.
12:02Oh, it looks like dogs.
12:04You got to go.
12:07Thank you, Christian.
12:08Can you do it?
12:10Marty, this is the thank you and go.
12:12Oh, God.
12:13Hey, ladies.
12:14Oh, babe, what are you doing over here?
12:15I'm waiting for try something.
12:16Come here.
12:17Wait, try my bubble tea.
12:18I heard that you guys are so good at this.
12:20Take a sip.
12:21Okay, what is this?
12:22This is bubble tea.
12:23Bubble tea?
12:24Don't trust that.
12:25It was made by Marty.
12:26Now, I've never seen this, uh,
12:28happen in one of the episodes.
12:30Girl, that's disgusting.
12:31No, it's not.
12:32It is.
12:33No, it's not.
12:34Benji, what...
12:35Bitch, you better get back here.
12:38Wait, you...
12:39Am I not...
12:40You don't like it?
12:41We're taking a shot.
12:42She tried to steal something from us.
12:44I thought we were sharing ingredients.
12:46Take one.
12:47There you go.
12:48There we go.
12:49There we go.
12:50This bitch just melted us.
12:55I'm the judge of the...
12:56I need...
12:59I'm trying to get on set.
13:00I can't...
13:01The door is locked.
13:02Can someone help me out, please?
13:03This is ridiculous.
13:04Hey, there's no...
13:12Queens, you have 30 minutes left.
13:16Oh, my God.
13:17Girl!
13:18That's more time than pizza spin on the make-up.
13:20What are...
13:21Marty.
13:22You have to get it into the cups.
13:24This is how they do it in the restaurant.
13:26What is happening in there, Marty?
13:28We're gonna lose.
13:30Listen, when you're pregnant, you get the munchies.
13:32This is munchie food, bitch.
13:33Do you need help with the lamb?
13:34No, no, no.
13:35I'm just getting it into some cute little lollipops.
13:38Okay, Queens.
13:39I am gonna ask you a trivia question.
13:41Trivia.
13:42It's trivia time.
13:46The first team to shout out the correct answer
13:48will get an extra hand from our resident expert, David Berka.
13:53And the other team will get a house call from Sue Schaft.
13:56She is something else.
13:58All right, Queens, here we go.
14:00Yes!
14:01How many years does it take for a diaper to decompose?
14:0610,033.
14:08That's a grown diaper, the one you'll be wearing.
14:12Five.
14:1329.
14:14100 years, 100 years, 100 years.
14:17500.
14:18500!
14:19500!
14:20Yeah!
14:21Yeah!
14:22That's what I did.
14:231, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
14:25We won, bitch!
14:26We won, bitch!
14:27You're gonna win, bitch!
14:28We won!
14:29Oh!
14:30Oh!
14:31I'm fine!
14:32I'm fine!
14:33I'm fine!
14:34It's time to get a special tip from David.
14:37All right, here you go.
14:38Here you go.
14:39So you want to take this down to the lollipop, right?
14:41Okay, yeah.
14:42How do we make it a lollipop?
14:43So you're gonna cut the lollipop here.
14:45Okay.
14:46And just take that off.
14:47Okay.
14:48And make sure you do a really nice sear on this.
14:50All right, you guys gonna be good?
14:52Yeah, we're so good.
14:53Thank you, David.
14:54Whoo!
14:55Okay, I'm here to help.
14:57Uh-oh, it's Zoo Chef.
15:00I love it.
15:01What do you need help with?
15:02We need all the help.
15:03Hey, baby girl!
15:04Hello.
15:05I see you've got some chicharrones.
15:07Chicharrones.
15:08Oh, my God!
15:09Oh, my God!
15:10Oh, my God, it just exploded!
15:12It just exploded!
15:13It exploded.
15:14Taste my sandwich.
15:15God, look.
15:19How was it?
15:20You're disgusting!
15:21Oh!
15:22Why?
15:23It is so good!
15:24Oh, my God!
15:25Oh, my God!
15:26Oh, my God!
15:27Oh, my God, please!
15:28Security!
15:29Security!
15:30This happens in every Latino party, too.
15:32It's okay.
15:33We got this.
15:34Okay, queens, four minutes to go.
15:36Yeah, can we get an extension?
15:38Yeah, let's make that a 45.
15:40Nobody give us instructions in Spanish.
15:42I'm about to sear this lamb, baby.
15:46Ooh, that's that sizzle we like to hear.
15:48That ain't supposed to look like...
15:50Yes.
15:51Okay, so we're doing good.
15:52We're doing good.
15:53It's looking like...
15:54Honestly, this is bougie of us.
15:56We're serving lamb at our baby shower?
15:58We got babies in here, little annies.
16:00Oh, my God.
16:01They are really...
16:02Hold on, let me see it.
16:03Look at the baby.
16:04Look at the baby.
16:05You don't think this is dangerous?
16:06No.
16:07Papi, try to swallow this.
16:08Suck on it till the baby comes out.
16:10Don't spit.
16:11Oh, my God.
16:12You swallowed the arm!
16:14Oh, my God.
16:15Oh, bitch.
16:16Turn around.
16:17We gotta find the arm.
16:18Nothing's better than some smoking hot brown meat,
16:20you know what I mean?
16:22Just taste this and see if it's strong.
16:29Queens, you must be inside your dining room
16:32when the curtains are closed,
16:34and they are closing in 30 seconds.
16:38Peaches, we have to make macaroni and cheese.
16:40Can I get a hairbrush?
16:42Just take everything.
16:43Just take everything.
16:45Cooking is not for me.
16:47Put it in the oven.
16:48Put it in the oven.
16:49Hold on, I need a break.
16:50Oh, my boobs.
16:51Papi, please, massage me.
16:53Peaches, let's go, let's go, let's go.
16:55Chop the parsley, chop the parsley, let's go.
16:57Ten seconds.
16:59Warm it up.
17:00Can you take this meat?
17:02Seven.
17:03Oh, my God.
17:04Six.
17:05Five.
17:06Put them on the tray.
17:07Let's go, go, go.
17:08Just take them.
17:09Four.
17:10Three.
17:11Oh, my God.
17:12Two.
17:13Come on.
17:14One.
17:15Time's up.
17:16Queens.
17:17Last time.
17:18Oh, my God.
17:19I have to pee.
17:20I'm ready for nap time.
17:21This is what labor must feel like.
17:22That was exhausting.
17:23Okay, it's time for television and magic to make a baby.
17:28It's party time.
17:33Drag me to dinner.
17:38Welcome back to Drag Me to Dinner on Hulu.
17:41And if you never left, thank you, because we all have abandonment issues here.
17:45If you know, you know.
17:47We're about to head into our first baby shower, but before we do, let's meet our judgers.
17:52Our first judger moved to New York City to make a name for herself.
17:56And after she found out what it was, she moved to California.
17:59It's Bianca Del Rio.
18:01Hello, Marie.
18:02Now, do you know what they actually called me?
18:05No.
18:06I thought you were going to do it.
18:08You were going to do it.
18:09I thought you were going to do it.
18:10I thought you were going to do it.
18:11I can't say it.
18:12You can say it.
18:13All right, you say it.
18:14Contagious.
18:15That's it.
18:16And this next judge has won awards, given out awards, and now his biggest reward is
18:21helping drag queens throw fake dinner parties.
18:24It's Neil Patrick Harris.
18:26Thanks, Marie.
18:27What can I say?
18:28I'm a giver.
18:29And a taker.
18:30Both ways.
18:31You're a switch.
18:32Hitter.
18:33Pitcher.
18:34And our third judger, you've met her before.
18:37She's a true method actress.
18:39And honoring tonight's theme, please welcome Baby Hanifa Wood.
18:44Who's your daddy?
18:46Who's your baby daddy?
18:47Who's your daddy?
18:48Who's your daddy?
18:49Who's my baby daddy?
18:50You can get back to the plot, Marie.
18:52And now, it's time to see what the stork brought.
18:55Let's go to tonight's first baby shower.
18:57All right, pals, head backstage.
18:59See you soon.
19:00Be careful with the baby!
19:01Spit up.
19:02These ladies went through three trimesters in minutes.
19:05Please enjoy our first dinner party with Alexis Mateo and Vanessa Vanjie Mateo in
19:12My Baby Did the Hanky Panky.
19:30Oh, my God.
19:33Look at us.
19:34We're so ready for this party.
19:35Oh, I'm definitely ready for the party.
19:37For my own party.
19:38Oh, my God.
19:39Look at your belly.
19:40Girl, you are ready to pop.
19:41Bitch, and the contrasts are back to back.
19:44Oh!
19:45Oh.
19:46Bitch, I feel like I might have another baby.
19:48You're all dressed up for the occasion.
19:50Boys, we're ready?
19:51Let's go.
19:52I am so excited that you guys are here.
19:54Oh, open up, boys.
19:57Open up the door.
19:58Hello.
19:59Hello.
20:00Hello.
20:01Oh, my God.
20:02This will be my baby shower.
20:03A bunch of bitches I've never seen before.
20:05Oh, what a wonderful welcome.
20:06I'm Neal.
20:07Thank you.
20:08Hi, Neal.
20:09How are you?
20:10Oh, my God.
20:11Baby Nefa.
20:12Oh, my God.
20:13She get younger every day.
20:14Bitch, I haven't seen my coochie in six months.
20:18Oh, that's a blessing.
20:20You can relate, ho.
20:22Oh.
20:23Now, let me just say, I think it's amazing that both of you are pregnant.
20:28I am so happy.
20:29A mother and daughter having a child at the same time.
20:32I'm not pregnant, bitch.
20:33You're not?
20:34No.
20:35Oh, so rude.
20:36Awkward.
20:37Oh, my God.
20:38I am so excited.
20:39Everybody, welcome to our five-star, low-income, backyard, extravaganza,
20:45eleganza, dedicated to my daughter, Vanessa Vanjie's baby shower.
20:51And congratulations to the fathers?
20:54No, we don't know that.
20:55That's not confirmed either yet.
20:56You know what?
20:57This is the perfect moment to introduce our first meal.
21:00This is called sandwichito de mezcla, and it's a traditional dish from Puerto Rico.
21:06What's in the sandwich?
21:07It's bread.
21:10I love the decorations.
21:11Can you tell us a little bit about these?
21:13We got it at the dollar store.
21:15When they said baby showers, I was like, oh, bitch.
21:17I've been to a lot of baby showers in high school.
21:19This was kind of shit that they would put together, backyard situation,
21:22get everybody drinking on the edge.
21:24You know what's the most shocking thing about that story is that you went to high school.
21:28Well, that was the end of that story.
21:30High school, that was it.
21:31Next question.
21:34Well, I'm sure Hanifa has a question.
21:35Hanifa?
21:36Hanifa?
21:37Any questions?
21:38Why are there more babies at this baby shower?
21:40I don't know what the question was that.
21:42I don't speak baby.
21:43This is my first baby happening right now.
21:45So what are you excited about being a grandma?
21:47I am actually not excited about shit.
21:50But I'm very excited because Vanjie has been preparing an entertainment section in this party.
21:55Oh, okay.
21:56I'm going to show y'all how bitches be getting pregnant, young age,
21:59do not know what's going on.
22:01And I'm going to show y'all how it happens.
22:02Go ahead and take a seat for me.
22:04There's a few different things that happen.
22:06So you can usually end up here.
22:08Uh-huh.
22:09And you know.
22:10Uh-huh.
22:11If you stop there, you won't have a baby shower.
22:13You'll probably just have a, you know, a Friday night after party.
22:17Well, maybe if you just had your face showered, you wouldn't be in the situation you're in right now.
22:20This one's for you, Bianca.
22:21I could still have two, three, four kids.
22:23Now, this is another part of the class.
22:25You know, when you go like this, and then you end up like this.
22:28Oh, careful.
22:29And you do all them things.
22:30Now, hold the belly, now.
22:31Careful.
22:32And you do all of that.
22:33Thank you.
22:34Careful.
22:35We definitely probably going to get pregnant.
22:36Oh, that was entertaining.
22:37That was something.
22:38That's how we ended up here at my baby shower with a bunch of strangers.
22:43Okay, so here goes.
22:44Oh.
22:45It's a baby shower dessert.
22:47Oh, I see.
22:48It's incredible.
22:49So, you take the diaper.
22:51Oh.
22:52I don't know, but this definitely smells familiar.
22:54Yes.
22:55So, you have to guess the chocolate.
22:57Oreo.
22:58Oreo?
22:59I taste corn.
23:01Hanifa, will you taste this?
23:04Oh.
23:05She loves it.
23:06She loves it.
23:07She likes it.
23:08So, wait, Hanifa.
23:09Now, tell us.
23:10What is it?
23:11It tastes like a Cuban espresso mousse.
23:12Baby Hanifa got it.
23:15What is it?
23:16It's a Cuban espresso mousse.
23:19And the real...
23:20Bitch, I don't even understand what the bitch said.
23:23It's a Cuban espresso mousse.
23:25Hold on.
23:26I'm going to say it again.
23:27What?
23:28Try it again, bitch.
23:29Okay.
23:30It's a Cuban coffee espresso mousse.
23:37What the...
23:38Do it.
23:39I'll do it.
23:40Okay.
23:41What is it?
23:42It's a Cuban coffee...
23:43Listen, the only thing harder than you saying this statement is paying taxes.
23:47Now, try it.
23:48Come on.
23:49The special ingredient is Cuban coffee espresso shot.
23:54That's it.
23:55Oh.
23:56Yes.
23:57I tell you.
24:01Oh, my God.
24:02Lord have mercy.
24:03What a train wreck I live.
24:05I need a drink.
24:06Yeah.
24:07That's my cue.
24:08Give me one second.
24:09Hold on.
24:10Hold on.
24:11Keep eating the little brownies.
24:12I'm confused.
24:13Is this mousse or is this espresso?
24:15It's an espresso Cuban coffee.
24:18Oh.
24:19What is it?
24:20It's a Cuban...
24:21Oh, my God.
24:22Bitch, you need to know.
24:23All right.
24:24Don't be calling me tonight.
24:25All right.
24:26Give me the cups.
24:27Let's go.
24:28Oh, great.
24:29I got this blue cup for you.
24:30Thank you.
24:31All right.
24:32Cheers.
24:33Thank you for coming to the baby shower.
24:34Baby shower.
24:35Mm.
24:36Oh.
24:37Mm.
24:38What is this?
24:39It's sangria.
24:40Bitch.
24:41Welcome to the baby shower.
24:42Don't cry, baby.
24:43Our second party is moments away.
24:44Thank you.
24:45Thank you.
24:46We got this.
24:47Go ahead.
24:48Yeah.
24:49That's it.
24:50That's it.
24:51You got it.
24:52Like clockwork.
24:53Look at that.
24:54Oh, wait.
24:55I need some.
24:56I need some.
24:57I need some.
24:58I need some.
24:59I need some.
25:00I need some.
25:01I need some.
25:02I need some.
25:03I need some.
25:04I need some.
25:05I need some.
25:06I need some.
25:07I need some.
25:08Hey, honey.
25:09I need some.
25:10I need some.
25:11I need some.
25:12I need some.
25:13Honey, I need some.
25:14I need some.
25:15I need some.
25:16I need some.
25:17I need some.
25:18Oh.
25:19Oh.
25:20Okay.
25:21It's time for tonight's second dinner party starring Marty gold Cummings and peaches
25:22Iman Cummings in Miss Mistake, USA.
25:38♪♪
25:42Smile big.
25:43Ah, finally!
25:45Smile big. Smile big.
25:46You're my little baby that I never wanted.
25:49I'm what?
25:51Nothing.
25:52Okay.
25:53Okay, come on.
25:54Happy Baby Shower!
25:56Happy Baby Shower!
26:00This is the Miss Mistake Pageant.
26:02♪♪
26:05This is my little baby.
26:06She's my little pageant girl,
26:07and we're going to make you
26:08into our little pageant girls, too.
26:10So we have stashes for all of you.
26:11We've got our pretty baby.
26:13Oh, he's a pretty baby.
26:15Pretty baby.
26:16And a match. Thank you, guys.
26:17We've got our cry baby.
26:18That's you?
26:19That's you.
26:20Whoopsie, whoopsie.
26:21There you go.
26:22We've got our little rosemary's baby,
26:24the devil herself.
26:25Oh, okay, careful.
26:26Whoops.
26:27Hold it.
26:28And, of course, Lindbergh's baby.
26:30Aw!
26:31The misty baby.
26:33Speaking of babies...
26:35That's me.
26:36Who's the...
26:37You're the baby?
26:38I'm the baby.
26:39She's my little pageant girl.
26:41Wait, wait, wait, I'm confused.
26:42So who is having the baby?
26:44We're not having a baby.
26:45I'm her mother.
26:46Wait, back it up, back it up.
26:47We're not having a baby,
26:48but we're at a baby shower.
26:49We're having a baby shower
26:50because when she was a little girl,
26:51she never had a baby shower.
26:53But now that she's grown,
26:54and I'm going to make her a star,
26:56we're having a baby shower.
26:57How?
26:58All right.
26:59All right, hey.
27:00At least we should throw a party, right?
27:01Absolutely.
27:02Of course.
27:03With food like this?
27:04Oh, it's the best.
27:06Oh.
27:07Okay.
27:08You want to try some?
27:09Can we sit down?
27:10Sure.
27:11Please, have a seat.
27:12Oh, oh, okay.
27:13Thank you.
27:14We're going to serve you...
27:15This is our...
27:16Ovulation boba surprise.
27:17It's our ovulation boba surprise.
27:18It's milky because, you know, sperm.
27:20And then there's the little egg,
27:21so enjoy that.
27:23Where's the real liquor?
27:24This is the real one here.
27:26It's called a placentini.
27:29Mom, tell them what this is.
27:31Macaroni and cheese.
27:32It's got no fancy name.
27:33It came from a box,
27:34and we put it in the microwave,
27:35but it's very delicious.
27:36Oh, oh.
27:37Oh.
27:38Here you go.
27:39Look at you.
27:40Here, would you like to try?
27:41Listen, don't mistake me enjoying your food
27:43for understanding the situation here.
27:45Okay, so I am her mother.
27:47Yes.
27:48And when she was born,
27:49I had to raise her and take care of her.
27:51No time for a baby shower,
27:52and I always wanted to be a star,
27:53but I'm a homely girl,
27:54so I never did make it in the pageant world
27:55because I looked like a horse.
27:57So this young lady,
27:58I tried to make a pageant girl and a star.
28:00Didn't quite work out for her either,
28:01so we thought,
28:02why don't we make our own pageant
28:03and our own baby shower
28:04now that she's grown
28:05and you can enjoy the celebration with us?
28:07How's the lamb?
28:08Yeah.
28:12You are also contestants,
28:14which is fun.
28:15All right, give us your best little pageant.
28:18Oh.
28:19The smile.
28:20Oh.
28:21Oh.
28:22Oh.
28:23And now do one of these.
28:24Oh.
28:25Not great, but okay.
28:26Work.
28:27It's time for the Q&A portion.
28:29Oh, the pageant Q&A.
28:30The pageant.
28:31Okay, Q&A.
28:32Who's going first?
28:33Oh, okay.
28:34Oh, okay.
28:35Would you rather have teeth for pubic hair
28:37or pubic hair for teeth?
28:39Think about it.
28:41I would rather have teeth for pubic hair
28:46because I like to take a bite out of things.
28:49Oh!
28:50All right.
28:51That's great.
28:52Contestant number two, Crybaby,
28:53if you were to cure any wrong in the world,
28:56what would it be and why?
28:58The cure that I would cure in all of the world
29:01would be the cure of people who die and who are hungry.
29:05What is this?
29:06This baby sounds like an old lady.
29:07Let's be honest.
29:08Okay, work.
29:09Thank you so much, Crybaby.
29:10That was Eat Your Lamb.
29:13Contestant number three, Rosemary's Baby.
29:15Okay.
29:16If you had to choose, would you rather...
29:22Death!
29:24Whoo!
29:25That was good.
29:27Wow.
29:29Contestant number four.
29:31Ooh, it's my turn.
29:33Goo-goo-goo-ga-ga.
29:35Ga-ga-ga-goo-goo.
29:36Goo-goo-goo-ga-ga.
29:38I don't know, but it has nothing to do with this baby bit.
29:42Oh, wow.
29:45Why don't we show them our talent?
29:47Please.
29:48What's our talent?
29:50This is from the old routine that I taught her
29:52back in the pageant.
29:53Oh, oh, wait.
29:54This is the swimsuit round.
29:56Oh!
29:58Oh!
30:00Is it a boy?
30:03Is it a girl?
30:05Who dares?
30:13Wow, they're really tapping.
30:16Wow, they're really tapping.
30:31Yay.
30:32Thank you.
30:33Thank you.
30:34Thank you.
30:35Thank you.
30:36Thank you so much.
30:37We prepared this for you.
30:38Now...
30:39Wait, wait, wait, wait.
30:40You're really out of breath from that number?
30:42Aren't you?
30:43Just from watching?
30:44It's been a hard life.
30:45Yeah, it takes a lot of strength for me now
30:47to get up from this chair and leave.
30:48Oh, no, no, no, we're almost there.
30:50We're almost there.
30:51We're almost done.
30:52I've heard that from a man before.
30:53This is the big finale.
30:54It's time for the crowning.
30:57Oh, my God.
30:58Let's put her off this mistake 2022.
31:00The crowning?
31:01There's no baby.
31:02Peaches.
31:03How is it a crowning?
31:04She's not even pregnant.
31:06Listen, I can go along with this game for a while.
31:08Next thing you know, you're going to tell me that you're men.
31:10This is impossible.
31:12This is ridiculous.
31:13We all gave performances, and she didn't even do anything.
31:15It's not fair that this even happened.
31:18But I'm the prettiest.
31:20♪♪
31:25Okay, okay, okay.
31:28All right.
31:29You married her.
31:31You were wonderful at what you did, but she is a star.
31:34What's that, Hanifah?
31:35This is some bull-
31:37I'm the only actual baby here.
31:39What she said.
31:42Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
31:44Find out what our judges really thought next.
31:49♪ Drag me to dinner ♪
31:52Let's get judgy.
31:55This was a weird episode.
31:56It wasn't.
31:58You know what?
31:59You say weird.
32:00I say exciting and fulfilling.
32:02And I use that term loosely.
32:03No.
32:04Like David's ass.
32:06All right.
32:07Alexis and Vanessa's teen mom baby shower.
32:11They had no idea what was happening,
32:13but it wouldn't surprise me if they had been doing shots
32:16or whatever, because they seemed knackered
32:18by the time the party started.
32:20I thought it was funny.
32:21I thought that Vanjie was actually pregnant.
32:23She was busting and ready to go.
32:25I thought it was hilarious that at the end,
32:27we finally got served an actual alcoholic beverage,
32:31and then it turned out to be from her own pregnancy dump.
32:36That made me laugh.
32:37Is that the technical term?
32:38That's the technical term.
32:39Yeah.
32:40I was a doctor on TV.
32:41Can you say it again?
32:42Because it excites me.
32:43Say it again.
32:44Listen, let's be fair.
32:45People my age don't have children anymore
32:46because they're dry.
32:47But I don't think they knew what was going on.
32:48I don't think they knew there was cameras involved,
32:50which made it even more entertaining.
32:52So Alexis and Vanjie had a pico de gallo sauce
32:55that they had along with some guacamole,
32:57and they were serving it with some plantain chips
33:00and chicharron, but they never passed it around.
33:03Be real.
33:04We were offered a sandwich made of orange sand.
33:07That's what we had.
33:08It was dry, Murray, dry.
33:11It was a mezcla.
33:12I got to say, Murray, walking in was a magical experience
33:15because seeing these two people with mustaches in drag,
33:18they could have been...
33:19Hey, hey, hey, hey.
33:20My mother!
33:21My mother!
33:22You wouldn't claim me.
33:23I enjoyed the food.
33:24I enjoyed the moment.
33:25I enjoyed the fact that Hanifa didn't talk that much.
33:27It was unity of family.
33:29Well, baby Hanifa,
33:30what did you think of Alexis and Vanessa's party?
33:33I had fun.
33:34That amniotic fluid was delicious.
33:36Were you at the same party?
33:38I mean, that's crazy.
33:39All right, Neil,
33:40how did you like Marty and Peaches' party?
33:42This party to me was hilarious.
33:44I walked in, they had a whole story
33:47that Marty, the mom, had birthed Peaches
33:50and she wasn't able to have a proper baby shower,
33:54and so now that Peaches is older and in the pageant world,
33:58she wants to have a baby shower.
34:00The performance was intentionally not great,
34:03and I thought there was something wonderful
34:05about the fact that they were owning that it wasn't great.
34:08Listen, there was no baby.
34:11Uh, excuse me.
34:13I'm a baby.
34:14I was there.
34:15I enjoyed it.
34:16They had drinks.
34:17They had ribs.
34:18They had macaroni and cheese
34:19that she served with the plate.
34:20Did you see that technique?
34:21That was funny.
34:22Did you see that technique?
34:23She just folded the cheese onto your plate.
34:25Everything that she said had to do with babies.
34:28Baby?
34:29What did you think of Marty and Peaches' party?
34:31Listen, the food was delicious.
34:34The drinks were amazing.
34:35It was the best party I've ever been to.
34:37She didn't act that way sitting next to me
34:39when you were spitting up.
34:41All right, team.
34:42Have you reached a decision?
34:44I think so.
34:45Nope.
34:46I refuse to commit to a decision.
34:49You should be committed.
34:53Oh, my God, Roxy,
34:55finally about to find out
34:56who won!
34:58Thank you for inviting us to your fake dinner party
35:01in your fake homes
35:02while pregnant with your fake babies.
35:05And now, stand back, everybody.
35:08We're crowning.
35:09Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
35:10Not me.
35:11The winner.
35:12All right, here we go.
35:13The winner of the glorious Golden Grater is...
35:17Oh, my gosh.
35:19Your water.
35:20Holy s***.
35:22Oh, s***.
35:23Oh, my God.
35:24Oh, my God.
35:25Breathe in.
35:26Push it.
35:27Hold on, girl.
35:31Marty and Peachy!
35:40You did it!
35:42We did it!
35:44Congratulations, queens.
35:46You are an inspiration to pregnant women everywhere.
35:49And along with your glorious Golden Grater,
35:52you also get to take home a bundle of beautiful presents.
35:58Ladies, are you having any feelings after your big win?
36:01This is for all the babies of the world
36:03who never had a shower.
36:05This was a labor of love.
36:10So beautiful.
36:12Well, thank you for joining us,
36:13and I think Billy Eichner is on the street
36:15waiting to interview you both.
36:16Now beat it.
36:17Oh, Billy Eichner.
36:18Billy Eichner.
36:19Billy Eichner.
36:20Billy Eichner.
36:21Ladies, you were wonderful tonight.
36:22Off the rails.
36:23I loved it.
36:24You said you were committed to the crazy.
36:26I'm sorry it didn't work out,
36:27but, you know, maybe you'll have better luck with the second child.
36:30Well, I'm sorry that we didn't win.
36:32How you feeling?
36:33Right now, I feel like my contraptions is hitting.
36:35Uh-huh.
36:36Contraption.
36:37Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt.
36:39Murray, girls, I know that you didn't win the party,
36:42but our nanny just quit.
36:44Would you guys mind nannying our children?
36:46You're so amazing with kids.
36:48Huh. Huh.
36:50Let's do it.
36:51Come on.
36:52Thanks. I'll give you my phone number.
36:53When do we start?
36:54Come here. Come here.
36:55Just now? Come on.
36:56Tell me what you're...
36:57Thanks so much for joining us tonight
36:59on a very special episode of Drag Me to Dinner.
37:02I've been your host, Murray Hill,
37:04and if you find yourself pregnant
37:06and searching for a name for your child,
37:08Murray works for all gender identifications,
37:11including any new ones that will be out when this finally airs.
37:14If it does.
37:16Good night, pals.
37:17I think we won. Look at us.
37:19Come here. Look.
37:20I feel like we won.
37:21I don't need a tree's greater.
37:22I'm gonna go get one at, um, Ikea.
37:25I'm getting pregnant right now.