At the social club Stan's Mum meets a man called Wilfred and her behaviour changes drastically. She stays out late with him and buys clothes more suited to a younger woman in addition to a wig. She neglects her household chores, meaning that Stan, Olive - a terrible cook as ever - and Arthur have to do them all. Fortunately for them,however, they discover that Wilfred is already married.
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00:34Hi Arthur!
00:35Hello mate, I only just got here myself.
00:38I can see that, you're smoking my fags.
00:40Yeah, well, I've run short, haven't I?
00:42Yeah, go on, I'm starving.
00:44Your mum's a bit behind, hasn't she? She hasn't laid the table even.
00:46Yeah.
00:47Hello love.
00:48Hello, just coming mum.
00:49No, I'm just going out.
00:50Aye.
00:51Olive's cooking you supper.
00:52Olive?
00:53Yeah, I've got something in the oven.
00:55Have you? What is it?
00:56Well, it's not a bun, I can tell you that.
00:59Arthur, I do not like that sort of talk.
01:02Olive's making you one of her special stews.
01:04You'll be alright with her.
01:06Now, I really must go.
01:08Er, do you like my scarf?
01:10Yeah, it's alright.
01:11Well, what is it? Special bingo, is that it?
01:13Yeah, going out for a drink with a friend.
01:15Not that Mrs Harper again.
01:17No, gentleman friend.
01:20Aye?
01:21Yes.
01:22You know, Mr Phillips, I met him at the Musselman's Social.
01:25Real friend.
01:26Oh, him, yeah, I think I know him, yeah.
01:29Well, not that I know, but I've heard he's a bit of a shark.
01:32Aye?
01:33He's a very nice class of person.
01:35Olive, I think I can do with a bit of your lipstick.
01:38Here, is this kiss proof?
01:40Well, if it is, you're never likely to find out.
01:44Here, Mum, you ought to be careful what you're doing, you know.
01:47I mean, let's face it, you haven't been out in a bloke for 25 years.
01:50Never mind, love, I've got a good memory.
01:53Well, it's like riding a bike, you never forget, do you?
01:57Well, do I look alright?
01:59Oh, fancy taking all that trouble at your age?
02:01Well, just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean the fire's gone out.
02:08Oh, blimey, Mum's getting to be a bit of an old sexpot.
02:11Yeah, well, I shouldn't let it bother you, it doesn't run in the blood.
02:15Right, what's for supper?
02:16It's on the oven. You lay the table, I'll get it.
02:18Love, it's anything like last time out there.
02:20You don't even need a knife and fork, mate.
02:22You need hammer and chisel and all.
02:24And that was on it with the gravy.
02:28What on earth is that?
02:30That's meat stew.
02:31And for afters, I've got one of my special suet puddings.
02:34Oh, blimey.
02:36You don't have to eat any of my pudding if you don't want it.
02:38I'll have some. In fact, I'll have two portions.
02:41Oh, will you, love?
02:42Help keep this stew down.
02:46I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Ava.
02:47I'm going to have a bit before and a bit after.
02:49That way I trap at both ends.
02:52You don't have to eat any of my cooking if you don't like it.
02:54Give me a sit here, I've got to eat some of it, don't I?
02:57Oh, I hope that man don't leave Mum astray.
03:00Don't be daft, I've only gone down to the bush for a drink, haven't I?
03:03I'll be back when the pub's closed.
03:34Where do you think you're going?
03:38I'm not going to take any shoes off creeping up the stairs.
03:40We heard you come in.
03:41Come into the kitchen, we're having a word with you.
03:45Come in the kitchen.
03:50Right.
03:51Now, what time do you call this?
03:53Well, what's all the fuss about?
03:55I told you I was going out with Wilfred.
03:57You said for a quick drink.
03:58The pub's closed at eleven o'clock.
04:00Well, I went back to his place, didn't I?
04:03No, you didn't.
04:05Well, I'm a bit too old for sitting on the grass.
04:10Look at the time.
04:11Look at it, see it?
04:12Ten to two.
04:13You've got to swear it to death.
04:14You could have phoned.
04:15You could have given yourself a little consideration.
04:17Oh, well, if that's your attitude, I'm going to bed.
04:20Good night.
04:21I need my sleep.
04:22Oh, we need our sleep too, you know.
04:24We've got to get up and go to work in the morning.
04:26Can't stay in bed like you, you know.
04:27And I'm staying in bed in the morning.
04:29Because I'm going out again tomorrow night.
04:34PHONE RINGS
04:39Hello, Stan.
04:40Hello.
04:41Hello, Mum.
04:42Hello, Oliver.
04:43Hello, Oliver. You getting the grub ready?
04:44Yeah, I got some of the stew left from last night.
04:46Yeah.
04:47That's it.
04:48That's what I thought.
04:49That's why I bought these fish and chips for us.
04:51Hallelujah.
04:53You are rude.
04:54I spent all afternoon making a special custard
04:56to go with your pudding.
04:57Yeah, well, never mind about that.
04:58Just bung them in the oven, warm them up.
05:00Here, er, is your mum brought out yet?
05:02No, she went out shopping this morning.
05:04She's been three hours getting ready ever since.
05:06Oh, yeah.
05:07Has she made my bed?
05:08She hasn't even made her own.
05:24What have you got on there?
05:27What's your problem?
05:28Is that so I can see your vest?
05:33What have you done to your ear?
05:36You've dyed it.
05:37No, I haven't. It's a wig.
05:39It's what they call a fan wig.
05:41Oh, blimey.
05:42Fancy you kind of fool things like that.
05:44Fancy wasting your money.
05:46I've got it with green stamps.
05:50Well, doesn't it suit me?
05:52Yeah, it's all right, I suppose.
05:54Only Wilfred said he liked blondes.
05:56He'll be here in a minute.
05:57Oh, boy, I haven't got me mascara on.
06:00I'd better put a bit of this on, haven't I?
06:02Oh, blimey, I can't see without my glasses.
06:15How the ugly do you put mascara on with your glasses on?
06:18Gladys Olive managed.
06:20She does, and that's why she walks around with two black ear rolls.
06:24Oh, oh, the bell. He's here.
06:26Oh, dear.
06:27I'm not ready. Oh, my goodness.
06:29I'll just put a bit of perfume on. That's all right.
06:31That'll be all right.
06:32Oh, look at the state of this place, Olive.
06:34You might have tied it. You don't.
06:37Here, here's me wig. I'm all right.
06:39Oh, blimey.
06:40Here, look at this ashtray.
06:41Olive, get rid of this. There's a good girl.
06:43Oh, all right.
06:44Oh, I hope it doesn't move.
06:46Cortec, don't sneeze, anybody.
06:48Oh, the bell.
06:49I'll get it.
06:50Oh.
06:51I can't wait to meet Romeo.
06:54Oh, oh, me pension book.
06:56Oh, well, you needn't say that.
06:58Mum, for God's sake, stop fussing.
07:00Oh, love, look at your tie.
07:02Oh, it's all crooked, and look at your hair.
07:04Leave me alone, will you?
07:05Oh, my boy, you look nice, darling.
07:07Do you, darling, yes.
07:08It's all right, then.
07:09I'll put a bit of sepia on here, Olive.
07:12I'll put a little bit of mascara on, if you like.
07:14Don't you talk to me like that.
07:15You're not too old to get a good clip around here.
07:17Well, I'll be, dear.
07:20Oh, hello, Wilfie.
07:22Oh, I must look a frightful mess.
07:24I haven't really had time to get ready.
07:27Of course.
07:28Hello, mate.
07:29We love you.
07:30You look wonderful.
07:31I like the way you've done your hair.
07:33It must have taken you hours.
07:35Oh, no.
07:36You know my son, Stan?
07:38Of course.
07:39Hello, mate.
07:40Hello.
07:41Funny thing, you know, I've been 30 years on the buses,
07:43and I've never been a conductor on Stan's bus.
07:45Oh.
07:46You don't know how lucky you've been.
07:48And my son-in-law, Arthur.
07:50How do you do?
07:51Hello.
07:52And my little girl, Olive.
07:54Hello, love.
07:55Well, you know what they say.
07:57A pretty mum has a pretty daughter.
07:59Oh.
08:00Oh.
08:03Mum's told us all about you.
08:05Hasn't she, Arthur?
08:07I am standing over here, you great love.
08:10Get your glasses back on.
08:14Blair, Bucktie, I brought you a little something.
08:17You said you liked hard centres.
08:19Oh, yes, they're my favourite.
08:22God blimey, hard centres.
08:24Let's hope she's got her second set of false teeth with her.
08:27Well, come on then, ma'am, sir.
08:28We'll have a quick drink in the pub.
08:30Oh, yes.
08:31Well, don't wait up for me, will you?
08:33Bye-bye, children.
08:34Have a nice time.
08:35Yes.
08:36Come on, Dad.
08:43Bye-bye, children.
08:46It's a wonder she didn't want to tuck me in bed with me teddy bear.
08:49Oh, I think he's quite nice.
08:51Fancy saying mum had a pretty daughter.
08:53He's got something, has Wilf.
08:55Yeah, same as you.
08:56Bad eyesight.
08:58Yeah, what's that smell?
08:59Oh, oh, the fish and chips.
09:01What?
09:02Oh, oh.
09:04Stay away from the fish and chips or I'll fire you.
09:07You great stupid idiot.
09:09Fancy putting me in there without taking the newspaper off.
09:12Well, do nothing for your mother, Tom.
09:15Well, that's it, isn't it?
09:17That's the fish and chips gone.
09:18Thank God you made some custard.
09:22I've got news for you, mate.
09:24She used the custard to put out the fish and chips.
09:34God, blimey, she's murdering it, eh?
09:37Fancy having to do our own work.
09:40This house is not worth living in since mum went potty over that ponce.
09:45I notice you let me do the difficult part.
09:50What are you talking about?
09:52I did the washing.
09:53It took me two hours to get your blue shirts clean.
09:56You must have been cleaning your shoes with them or something.
09:58Blue shirts? What blue shirts?
10:01These blue shirts you've just ironed.
10:03They're not mine, mate. They must be yours.
10:05They're not mine. You know I haven't got any blue shirts.
10:07They've got your monogram on here.
10:09WP. WP?
10:12Blimey, we've been laundering his shirts.
10:14Oi!
10:17Well, how'd they get here?
10:18How'd they get mixed up with our washing?
10:20How the hell do I know?
10:21Mum must have brought them up with you, I suppose.
10:24God, blimey, no wonder he's laughing his head off. Look at him.
10:28Oh, God, now I've pooped the cotton out again.
10:31This heart's too big for collars.
10:37What's the matter with you?
10:39What's the matter with you?
10:41Why don't you get Olive to do it?
10:42Before you injure yourself or something.
10:44You're quite right, mate.
10:46This is not man's work.
10:48Olive! Olive!
10:51Where's your mum this afternoon?
10:52Why isn't she doing the ironing?
10:54Gone to the pictures with him, hasn't she?
10:57Here, why haven't you done the ironing?
10:59What have you been doing all day?
11:00I've been all day doing upstairs.
11:02No talk when I went up there.
11:04Our bed's not even made.
11:05I did make it, Arthur.
11:07But I was so tired when I finished, I had to have an hour down.
11:12I can't sit and fret this needle.
11:14Yeah, use me glasses.
11:15Right.
11:24God, blimey!
11:25Can you see the hole?
11:26See the hole? I can't even see the needle!
11:29Take them off!
11:31Oh, there's the front door.
11:32Mum, is that you?
11:33Yes, love.
11:38Mum!
11:43What have you got on there?
11:44Dad's old army greatcoat?
11:46No, it's me new maxi.
11:48It's a present Wilfred thought would suit me.
11:50Didn't we say he bought it for you?
11:52No, it's a present to meself.
11:54Well, thank God, Jerome, it could do with some decent grub.
11:57Yeah, there's a pile of ironing.
11:58Oh, I've only popped in for a minute.
12:00I'm going out again.
12:01Wilfred's here.
12:03Where's he ironing? Underneath the coat?
12:06Yeah, well, it's cavalry style.
12:08Do you like it?
12:09Yeah, there's room for the horse under there and all.
12:12Well, I did take it up a bit.
12:13I thought it was a bit on the long side.
12:15Yeah, are you frightened of tripping over?
12:17No, love, I was afraid it wouldn't show me new boots.
12:24They, uh...
12:26They are a present to yourself, too.
12:27Yes, but it was Wilfred's idea.
12:30Was it, really?
12:31Yes.
12:32It's a pity you didn't get them longer, innit?
12:34Well, how do you mean?
12:35Then you could have tucked your drawers in them.
12:41Excuse me.
12:42Come and say hello to the children.
12:44Oh, yeah, don't bring him in here yet.
12:46I haven't got my teddy bear out.
12:54Well, how's the happy family?
12:57Well, how's the happy family?
13:03Oh, we've had a lovely day shopping, haven't we, Wilfred?
13:06Oh, we have, yes.
13:08Why, you treasure.
13:10You've done my shirt.
13:13And beautifully ironed.
13:15Oh, that deserves a kiss.
13:17I did them.
13:22I wouldn't own up to that, mate, in case he comes over and slobbers all over you.
13:27I'm very grateful for you doing my shirts.
13:30You don't know what a difference it makes to me.
13:32I mean, well, I lost my wife a couple of years ago.
13:36And I...
13:41Well, it's very difficult for a man to manage in the house.
13:44We know, we're doing it.
13:46Yeah, but you don't know what life would be like without your wife.
13:49I've often thought about it.
13:53You've got a very nice place here, Mabs, you know.
13:56Yes.
13:57Little garden.
13:58Yes.
13:59Yeah, nice little garden.
14:00Did you say you've got three bedrooms?
14:02Yes, I've had this house for 30 years.
14:04All paid for.
14:05Is it really?
14:07You know, you could do very well for yourself here, you know.
14:10You could let off a couple of those rooms at a fiver each.
14:13And by the time you get your old age pension,
14:15not that you'll be needing that for a long while yet, my love,
14:18you could live very comfortable.
14:20Oh, well, I couldn't do that, love.
14:22I've got all the family living here.
14:24Yeah, well, they won't be here for long.
14:26I mean, Arthur and Olive, they'll be starting a family any time.
14:29We've been married nine years, mate.
14:31All she's produced so far are chill planes.
14:35Well, if you want to take one of those fertility pills,
14:38you can have five in one go.
14:40Oh, no.
14:41I don't want to have babies by taking pills.
14:43I want my husband to have something to do with it.
14:48You don't only take the pills, you know.
14:52Well, come on, then, Mabs.
14:53If we're going to bingo, we'd better get going.
14:55Oh, yes, I was forgetting, of course.
14:57Just a minute. Eh, what are you doing?
14:59Oh, I'm just getting a bit of money, dear.
15:01Here. That's the housekeeping, innit?
15:03Yes, well, Wilfred came out without his wallet.
15:05You were in such a hurry, weren't you, dear?
15:07Yes. Well, I knew I was meeting you.
15:10God done it, mate. You're sick.
15:12Mum, what's all them envelopes?
15:14Oh, I don't know, love.
15:15They came through the post.
15:16I haven't had time to look at them.
15:18I haven't had a minute.
15:19There you are, dear. Well, now we must be going.
15:21Well, you can manage, can't you, children?
15:23Oh, don't worry about them.
15:25They'll have to get used to managing.
15:26Yes.
15:27Yes, well, come on, then, love.
15:29Well, let's go out the back way.
15:31Yes, I want to have a look at the garden.
15:32Oh, yes, it's lovely out here.
15:34Well, bye-bye.
15:39God blimey!
15:44Did you see that?
15:45Eh, did you see the way he was casing the joint?
15:47I ain't counting out the lolly, he was.
15:49God blimey!
15:50I told you he was a con man, didn't I?
15:52The way he's got Marcia,
15:53you don't know whether she's coming or going.
15:54He does.
15:55If he has his way, we'll be going and he'll be coming.
15:58Hey, Stan.
15:59This is a final demand for the gas bill.
16:01Mum hasn't bothered to pay it.
16:02Aye? When's the last day?
16:03Today.
16:04They'll be coming to cut it off tomorrow.
16:06God blimey, give me a sissy here.
16:07My bus passes this tomorrow morning.
16:09I'll nip in and pay it.
16:17I'll nip in and pay it.
16:33Oi, where am I?
16:34What do you think you're doing?
16:35It's a parking meter, mate, not a bus stop.
16:37Look, I've got to pay the gas bill.
16:38Pay the gas bill?
16:40It won't be a second.
16:41I've got the money ready.
16:42Go on.
16:47I've got to pay the gas bill.
16:48On the first floor, sir.
16:49There's a lift just going up.
16:50Right, thanks.
17:03Look, you'll only be a few seconds.
17:05I said that five minutes ago.
17:07This meter says penalty.
17:09Well, we only just got here.
17:10That's what they all say.
17:11You say that to the magistrate.
17:17Oh!
17:44Where the hell have you been?
17:46Look, I got stuck in that lift.
17:47I went up and down about 20 times.
17:50We've had a woman traffic warden after us.
17:52Don't tell me she gave you a ticket.
17:54No.
17:55Ticket was two.
17:56Why don't you change?
17:58All right.
17:59I'll go and have a look.
18:02They weren't Liberty.
18:04Shit, you're being funny, mate.
18:07It's the last we'll see of that.
18:16Bye.
18:32I can't stop her, mate.
18:33I've got to nip her up and do some housework.
18:35Yeah, well, they'll have to wait.
18:36Look.
18:37Butler!
18:39Promise.
18:40She must have picked up those tickets.
18:41Yeah, you should have done like James Bond and swallowed them.
18:44This young lady has very kindly brought these to my attention.
18:48Thank you very much, miss.
18:49You've made my day for me.
18:54Butler.
18:55In all my 20 years on the buses,
18:57I've never yet heard of a bus getting a parking ticket
18:59and you have to go out and get two at once.
19:02Yeah, well, you know,
19:03Stanley always starts on a double.
19:06Twit.
19:08I know you dawdled along the road, mate.
19:09I never know you went slow enough to get a parking ticket.
19:11What happened for God's sake?
19:12How do you manage to park the bus?
19:13What are you doing?
19:15Well, I did, er...
19:17Call of nature.
19:20Well, you had no right to go in that one
19:21in the gas company office anyway.
19:22Hang about.
19:23There's shop steward.
19:24I'm here to tell you he's entirely used to convenience.
19:26It's a very long route we're on.
19:28Three quarters of an hour at the cemetery gates.
19:30Three quarters of an hour?
19:32Well, she's got a weak bladder, then.
19:34I'm sorry, Butler.
19:35I have to take this into general management this time.
19:37Oh, no, no, no.
19:38It's like you give us a pass.
19:39I'll tell you the truth.
19:40I had to go in the gas company to pay the bill.
19:42Otherwise, they was going to cut me gas off.
19:44I don't care what you have cut off, mate.
19:46You're supposed to be running buses.
19:48Look, the old lady does it as a rule,
19:50but she's gone potty lately.
19:51She's gone crazy over some bloke.
19:53Wouldn't surprise me if she got married again.
19:56Got married?
19:57Yeah.
19:58Your mother?
19:59Hmm.
20:03You'll have a new daddy, won't you?
20:06You'll have a new daddy, won't you?
20:10Shut up.
20:11You better not be a naughty boy in future, mate.
20:13Your new daddy will be fat-taxed across his knee, won't he?
20:16Here.
20:17While you're at it,
20:18you go and see your new daddy
20:20and ask him for an advance on your pocket money, will you?
20:22To pay your parking fines.
20:25Who is the lucky fellow, anyway?
20:27He must be a very brave man
20:28if he takes on a woman with a son like you, I must say.
20:30I spoke from this depot.
20:31Old Wilf on the number nines.
20:33Wilfred Phillips?
20:34Yeah, that's him.
20:35Yeah.
20:36Well, I hope he's got his wife's permission to get married.
20:41A wife?
20:42He ain't got a wife.
20:44Well, he better have had one, mate.
20:46He's been claiming for her on his income tax.
20:48I know. I have to check the code number.
20:50He's been married for 20 years, to my knowledge.
20:52Of course, he's not living with her, I know, but...
20:55What a two-time interesting...
20:57I told Arthur he was after our house.
21:01Here, there's another thing.
21:03Listen, if he's already married, he can't marry her.
21:05I wouldn't know about that, mate.
21:07We've got fellows here who've got four wives.
21:09Yeah?
21:10Mind you, they're all Muslims.
21:13Four wives, eh?
21:15What a lovely job.
21:16Full employment and guaranteed overtime.
21:20Oh, lovely.
21:21God, wait till I get home and tell her, mate.
21:24Oh, dear.
21:25Blackie, I'll forgive you anything.
21:26It's all right.
21:27Mind you, I don't know how the old lady's going to take it.
21:29Well, I suppose you'd better fork out for those fines.
21:31No, that's all right, son. You don't have to pay me, no.
21:34What, you mean the company's going to pay him?
21:36No, I mean the company will stuff it out of your wages on Friday.
21:45Well, of course, I always knew he was a rogue.
21:49Well, it's your own fault, me old darling, isn't it?
21:51Why'd you go out with him?
21:52Well, um, when you haven't been out with anyone for 20 years,
21:55you can't be very choosy.
21:57And you can't even be careful.
21:59And he was ever so generous, Stan.
22:01If ever I saw anything in a shop I liked, he said I could buy it.
22:06Here, Arthur, how do I look in Mum's coat?
22:09Like an elephant on stilts.
22:12You're not wearing that if you want to stay married to me.
22:15Why not? It's very nice in winter.
22:17Better in summer. You stick a pole in it, we all go camping.
22:20Get in on it.
22:21No, no, no, no.
22:22I'll tell you what you want to do, love.
22:23Look, you want to put a bit of fur around the bottom,
22:25then you can sweep the floor up as you walk in and out.
22:28Well, that'll be a change anyway.
22:30I shall have to take it up a bit, because it covers all me ankles.
22:33Oh, I shouldn't do that. That's the best part of it.
22:35Oh, Stan.
22:38You know that Wilt was a terrible liar?
22:41Was he?
22:42Yes. He said that coat suited me, and I fell for it.
22:46You don't have to worry, love.
22:48I did his washing.
22:49I did his ironing.
22:50Oh, Wilt.
22:51At least he did one good thing for me.
22:53Now I know you can do it. I won't have to work so hard in future.
22:56Oh, thank you.
22:57Now, when I was thinking, he did say I could let a couple of the rooms for five pounds each.
23:01So I think you could give me a bit more on the housekeeping.
23:04Oh, you'll be lucky.
23:06Well, you could always leave.
23:09I'm not too old to live in sin.
23:13Get out of here.
23:17Oh, blimey, I'm glad you came out of there.