The bus staff are given some say in the running of their canteen and Stan is put in charge as manager. He employs Mrs. Sharma as a cook but she can only make Indian dishes and so he replaces her with Olive. This is an even worse executive decision as Olive is a terrible cook and ultimately Stan is reduced to buying fish and chips from the local takeaway.
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00:31As the newly elected representative of you, the Social Club Committee,
00:35I have great pleasure in informing you that the management have agreed to let us run the canteen ourselves.
00:41As the idea was Brother Stan's here,
00:45I would like to nominate him to be first chairman and treasurer of the canteen sub-committee.
00:49Now, will somebody propose him?
00:52I propose him.
00:53I second him.
00:54Well done.
00:56Yes, well if you feel that way about it, fellas.
00:58And as chairman, Brother Stan's first duty will be to engage a decent, skilled, qualified cook.
01:05Wait a minute.
01:06Where am I going to get a cook from?
01:08Well, you're the chairman, mate.
01:09Don't worry, we'll all help you.
01:11We'll all stand behind you.
01:12God blimey, is that the time? I must get off home.
01:14So must I.
01:15Be back in the morning.
01:16About the cook, you see.
01:17Fellas, is there anything...
01:20Yes, of course.
01:22Cheer up.
01:23Hey, Stan.
01:24What?
01:25If you want a good cook, my wife needs a job.
01:27Your missus?
01:29She can cook for a canteen?
01:30Oh, yes, indeed.
01:32She has worked in a canteen for two years.
01:34Has she?
01:35Oh, well, give her a try, yeah.
01:37Here, wait a minute.
01:38You sure she'll know what the blokes will want?
01:40Goodness gracious me.
01:42She's cooked for Bosman before, you know.
01:44Has she?
01:46That's it.
01:47She's on.
01:48I'll tell her what.
01:49Tell her she can start first thing tomorrow morning.
01:51Good old charmer, mate.
01:52Go on.
01:53Yeah.
02:02Hiya, fellas.
02:03Hey, what's the grub like then, Bert?
02:06What's the grub like?
02:09You can't even...
02:10What are you and Jess playing at?
02:12What grub?
02:18Jack, what's up, mate?
02:20What's wrong?
02:21What's the matter with the cook?
02:22What's wrong with her?
02:23See for yourself.
02:29Hello, missus charmer.
02:31I am Stan Butler, and I am chairman of the canteen committee.
02:35I don't understand.
02:36I don't understand.
02:37I don't understand.
02:51What's she talking about?
02:53You're flogging a dead horse, mate.
02:54She doesn't speak a word of English.
02:56You must be joking.
02:57No.
02:58I can't understand it.
02:59Her old man charmer's worked in this garage for two years.
03:01He's just sent for her.
03:02She's been here two days.
03:06He told me she'd worked in a canteen for busmen before.
03:09Oh, yes, yes, she did.
03:10On the Bombay buses.
03:14Well, if she don't speak English, I'll just point to a saucepan,
03:16and when I get it, I'll know what it is.
03:18Yeah, I've got it.
03:19I still don't know what it is.
03:21Here, smell that.
03:22Gandhi's revenge.
03:27Very nice curry.
03:29You like it?
03:30I don't know.
03:31I've never had it.
03:33I'll go and find out.
03:34This is charmer.
03:35Cheers.
03:40Thank you.
03:41That's it, that's it.
03:43Now, you've fixed it.
03:45Now, let's see you eat it.
03:46Come on, let's eat.
03:48What's the matter with you?
03:52Well, go on, eat it.
03:53Come on, come on.
03:54Of course I'll eat it.
03:55Eat it, then.
03:56Come on, then.
03:57Oh, blimey, darn it, goodness.
03:59Here you go.
04:00Thank you.
04:06Well, go on, then.
04:15Come on, eat, then.
04:16I did it.
04:17It's all right.
04:18It's lovely.
04:22Make your eyes water a bit, then.
04:25No, it's all right, it's all right.
04:27You've got to get used to it, though.
04:28That's all, ain't it, Jack?
04:29Ain't you?
04:30Oh, yeah, yes.
04:31Lovely, yeah.
04:32Come on.
04:33Come on.
04:34Come on.
04:36Come on, you two.
04:37Get that crab down and get out.
04:38Come on, you'll do it in seven minutes.
04:40Yes, I can't eat no more of that.
04:42Put up a good show, put up a good show.
04:43It's lovely, isn't it?
04:44Lovely.
04:45We've got a new cook here today.
04:46Yeah.
04:47What's the crab like?
04:48All right?
04:49Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely.
04:50Oh, curry, eh?
04:52Lovely.
04:53You like it, do you?
04:54I was five years out in India.
04:56They sent me out there during the war, you know.
04:58They needed men like me.
05:00They wanted to show the Indians what it'd be like if Hitler came.
05:06I got a medal for what I did.
05:08Did you?
05:09What was it, the Iron Cross?
05:12Sweet.
05:15At least I can speak the language.
05:18Namaste.
05:19Namaste.
05:20God bless me, she's praying to him.
05:22No, I'm with her, aren't you?
05:23She thinks he's the immigration officer.
05:26She's greeting me.
05:27Oh, I've got it.
05:28No, it's the moustache.
05:29She thinks you're Enoch Powell.
05:33How are you?
05:34How are you, sir?
05:35I'm fine.
05:37What's your name?
05:38Mata Balji.
05:39Mata Balji?
05:41Mata Balji?
05:43What's your name?
05:46What's your name?
05:48Mata Balji.
05:52What's your name, sir?
05:53Fine, fine.
05:54Hi Chi Chi.
05:55A tour de chance, eh, Mum?
05:57Tour de chance.
05:58Chi Chi, Mata Balji.
06:02Mata Balji.
06:05You're very for some guy.
06:11What's all them little bowls?
06:12Oh, they're pickles, mate.
06:13You always have them with the pickles.
06:14Never have it on its own.
06:15Blimey, this couldn't be any worse, anyway.
06:17Let's have a go at the pickles, mate.
06:21Now that, Jack, that's it.
06:23Now, that I would...
06:24Oh!
06:25What's the matter, mate?
06:26Is it hot?
06:27Hot?
06:28No.
06:29Oh, it's melting me fillings.
06:30You can't take it, can you?
06:31Of course you can.
06:32Just a shot for a minute.
06:33Of course I can take it.
06:34We're used to this stuff and we're jacked.
06:36Not a bad curry, was it?
06:37Might have been a bit hotter, though, mind you.
06:38Oh!
06:39Oh!
06:40Oh!
06:41Oh!
06:42Oh!
06:43Oh!
06:44Oh!
06:45Oh!
06:46Oh!
06:47Oh!
06:48Oh!
06:49Oh!
06:50Oh!
06:51Oh!
06:52Oh!
06:53Oh!
06:54Oh!
06:55Oh!
06:56Oh!
06:57Oh!
06:58Oh!
06:59Oh!
07:00Oh!
07:01Oh!
07:02Oh!
07:03Oh!
07:04Oh!
07:05Oh!
07:06Oh!
07:07Oh!
07:08So good, I'll go...
07:09I'll go have a drop more water.
07:10It's no good.
07:11It's coming out fast and it's going in.
07:12Oh, I'd give anything for a cup of char.
07:13Char?
07:14I thought you said she couldn't speak English?
07:15You moronic twit.
07:20Char is Indian for tea.
07:30Well, I don't speak English.
07:33I don't care what it is, as long as it's a cup of tea, that's all I know.
07:36Thank you very much, Mrs... Oh, we're at that light again, thank you.
07:45Urgh!
07:52Oh, it's bitter! It's bitter! It's bitter!
07:54I saw her putting the sugar in.
07:56I forgot to tell you, it's salt.
08:09They drink it like they're out that way.
08:12Anything else you've forgotten to tell us?
08:14Yes, you're due out, come on. Get in that bus, come on.
08:17Number 11. I want you out the depot right away.
08:20Yeah, right. Just be that way.
08:26Thank you.
08:56Thank you.
09:26Thank you.
09:57How do you feel, mate?
09:58Oh, that might have barged in.
10:00Oh, I'm bilious here. I've got spots before the eyes.
10:04What's the matter with you? Has he been drinking, has he?
10:07No. They've cut it upsetting.
10:09Oh, yeah. Well, it is an acquired taste, you know.
10:13Yeah, I've acquired it and I can't get rid of it.
10:17Oh, I thought I ought to tell you.
10:20Some of your mates are waiting up in the canteen for you.
10:23Looks like a lynching party.
10:27This sense of humour is rapidly losing its magic for me.
10:45You wouldn't be leaving, would you?
10:47No, we were just coming in, Bert.
10:50Me and the boys will have a word with you.
10:52Yeah.
10:53What's the matter, Bert?
10:55We've had a... Right, boys?
10:57Yeah.
10:58Now, we've decided that you've got to get a new cook for tomorrow.
11:02Cheers.
11:03But what about Mrs Sharma?
11:05Mrs Sharma?
11:06I'm joking.
11:07We've told her that she's not quite right with the job, see,
11:10so we sacked her on your behalf.
11:12That's right.
11:13What?
11:14Yeah. All we want is a cook the same as the old management used to have.
11:18But you said they used to cook a lot of rubbish.
11:20Yeah, but it used to be a load of British rubbish.
11:23Coward!
11:28They never know what they want.
11:30Where am I going to get another cook from?
11:32I don't think you've quite got rid of the first one, mate.
11:35Oh, hello.
11:37I'm sorry, mate. My wife wasn't suitable.
11:39Yeah, I'm sorry, Sharma.
11:41Can I have her wages, please?
11:43Yeah, of course you can. Now, let's see.
11:45We agreed on seven bob an hour, six hours, about two pound two.
11:48What have we got till, Jack?
11:50Ten and forty.
11:52As treasurer, you'll have to make up the other one pound, eleven and eight
11:55out of your own pocket till we're in profit.
11:57Aye? Blimey!
11:59Oh, no! Oh, no!
12:01She was dismissed. She should have one week's wages.
12:03Oh, yes, it's quite right, do you know, yes.
12:05As shop steward, I must uphold that.
12:07We can't have no discrimination.
12:09You'll have to pay her one week's wages in lieu.
12:11And notice that'll be a total of eleven pound eight in front.
12:14Eleven pound eight in front?
12:16It's all right. You'll get it back when accounting's in profit.
12:18Yeah, but blimey, this is your money.
12:20And the national insurance is ten.
12:22Oh, yeah, well, you might as well let him buy that.
12:24That's another fifteen and seven.
12:25That'll be a total of twelve pound three in templates.
12:28Twelve pound three in templates?
12:30Hang on, hang on. I wonder if she's entitled to severance pay.
12:33Shut up, you mug.
12:35She'll be wanting her holiday money next.
12:38All right, what did you say it was? Twelve pound what?
12:40Twelve three, ten.
12:41Twelve three, twenty, twelve three.
12:42And that bit there.
12:43There you are, Mrs Sharma. Twelve pound three in templates.
12:46England is a wonderful country.
12:49You can say that again.
12:52Twelve pound three in ten for a plate of curry.
12:55Blimey, that's the dearest plate of curry I'll ever have, I'll tell you.
12:59You better start saving up for the next cook then, haven't you?
13:02Shut up. I'm going to have some more water.
13:07Now I know why they have so many droughts in India.
13:11Stan, are you sure you won't have any dinner?
13:14This Irish stew of olives is lovely.
13:17Oh, blimey, Mum, don't make it worse.
13:20I've got enough trouble as it is trying to find a new cook for the canteen tomorrow.
13:24Yeah, well I still don't know why you can't put the job olives away.
13:27I said I've got enough trouble as it is.
13:30Blimey, those fellas kicked up enough fuss about that curry.
13:33Yeah, well she wouldn't mind.
13:36Blimey, those fellas kicked up enough fuss about that curry.
13:39Yeah, well she wouldn't mind curry, would she?
13:41The way she cooks, they might wish she had.
13:45Don't be so rude.
13:46I didn't mean it that way, love, but you'd have to cook for sixty busmen.
13:49Sixty men?
13:51Sixty? Ooh, they might start taking liberties with her.
13:55I don't think she'll have that problem.
14:00They've got too much respect for her.
14:02Yeah, I suppose you could say that.
14:05Anyway, she'll be bringing home quite a tidy pay packet,
14:08and there's twelve free meals a week thrown in.
14:11Oh, yeah, and the way she cooks, it'll be about thruppence, mate.
14:13Oh, no, olive can cook alright.
14:15Oh, cut off it, Mum.
14:16The last time she made an Irish stew, she put a cough mixture in it.
14:20I thought it was gravy browning.
14:23It wasn't her fault. Her glasses got steamed up.
14:26She shouldn't have bent over the saucepan.
14:28She had her reading glasses on. She couldn't see the steam.
14:32It was awful. I don't know how we ate it.
14:34Oh, well, it may not have been tasty, but at least it was healthy.
14:38Look, mate, Olive may not be the greatest cook in the world,
14:42but what she makes is good enough for a lot of scruffy busmen.
14:45Now, look here, mate, those fellas can tell good gruff from bad.
14:48What? Some of your mates can't tell the difference between a knife and a fork.
14:52Now, look, Olive can make all sorts of tasty dishes if she wants to.
14:55She always watches Fanny Craddock.
14:58She watches Doctor Kildare, but I wouldn't let her take me appendix out.
15:03No, no, I don't think she'd do that, you know.
15:06No, she might have her wrong glasses on.
15:09Now, let's stop all this arguing.
15:10All right, all right, all right.
15:12You give Olive the job.
15:14Mum, she wouldn't be able to manage on her own.
15:16Oh, all right. I'll give her hand.
15:22Oh, yes, Mum. Now, what an idea.
15:24Ah, good old Mum, now then.
15:26Yes, the two of you, yes, you could manage, yes.
15:28All right, I'll help you with the lunches.
15:30Right-o, Olive, you start tomorrow morning at six o'clock.
15:33You get the first teas out for the busmen.
15:35Six o'clock?
15:37Oh, Arthur, do you hear that? It's hardly worth me going to bed.
15:41Oh, right, you are.
15:48Hello, lads, hello.
15:51Bert, what's the grub like today, eh?
15:53It's not even ready yet.
15:55Now, look, get your bloomin' cook to get a-movin'.
15:57We'll do it.
15:59All right, all right.
16:01Hang on, hang on a minute, hang on.
16:03Hey, hey, why ain't it ready?
16:05You didn't tell me it was an electric stove.
16:07What's wrong with it?
16:08Olive, it's 20 minutes trying to light it.
16:11Of course.
16:12Olive, what are you doing cutting the chips by hand?
16:14There's a lovely chipping machine there.
16:16It's lovely and sharp.
16:17Oh, no.
16:19Oh, don't tell me you caught a finger
16:21out of both fingers in the chipping machine together.
16:23No.
16:24She nicked her thumb when she was cutting the bandage for her finger.
16:27Oh.
16:28Anyway, what have we got for lunch?
16:29Well, we've got fish and chips, pudding and custard.
16:32That's good. Is it ready?
16:33No, I'm afraid not.
16:35I can't get this here.
16:36It's tough to melt.
16:38You know, it's the worst of these electric stoves.
16:40They won't eat up.
16:41It's been two hours on here.
16:43Well, it's a funny smell, that's all I can say.
16:45Let's have a look at it.
16:46Yes, sir, will you?
16:47Come on, my mum, let's have a look, see what you've done.
16:50Where's the knob?
16:52Blimey, mum, you got it on the wrong one.
16:54Oh, well, no wonder it hasn't melted the fat.
16:57No, but it's melted the sauce below it.
17:00Oh, yes, well, that was the funny smell, wasn't it?
17:03Oi, Lightning, what about some grub?
17:06Now, now, keep calm, Bert, keep calm.
17:08Now, keep watching.
17:09It's all right, fresh, all right.
17:11Now, see what you've done.
17:12Where's the fish? Come on, where's the fish?
17:14I'll put it in the fridge.
17:15Right, right.
17:16No, not that one, that one there.
17:18You idiot, that's the deep freeze.
17:20It's all right, they're all cold.
17:25They're not half bad, look at that.
17:27I'd have to put them under the hot tap and thaw it out.
17:29Oh, dear.
17:30Well, it's all very well.
17:31You wouldn't call it a half cold, too, would you?
17:35Oh, that'll ruin the flavour.
17:36It won't taste like fish.
17:38It doesn't matter.
17:39As long as it smells like fish, they'll be happy.
17:42Well, some of these fillets are melting out.
17:46That one ain't, no.
17:47Look at that, a fish lolly.
17:50These are all right.
17:51Hey, Olive, get the taters ready.
17:53I'll batter these fillets up.
17:55All right.
18:08Oh, what's the matter now?
18:10This is not batter, it's custard.
18:14Don't you know batter when you see it?
18:16Not olives, I don't.
18:17Blimey, I can't serve it up like this.
18:19Do you think they'll notice?
18:22Even busmen won't eat cod with fried custard.
18:26Hey, Stan, what's the whole lot doing?
18:27The lads are getting very restless, you know.
18:29They want a grub.
18:30We've got to take the buses home.
18:31All right, all right.
18:32Keep your ear on, mate.
18:33I just want to get this custard off this fish.
18:38Mum?
18:39Yeah?
18:40Is the fat melting in that pan?
18:41No, no, it won't, it won't melt.
18:43Well, put it on the quick ring, the one that the saucepan was on.
18:45Oh, yes, all right.
18:46Oh!
18:47Oh, it's got a lot of metal on this here.
18:49Well, don't pick it out without...
18:50Well, look at this, all covered in metal.
18:51Stop picking it about with that...
18:52Oh!
18:56That's it now, hasn't it?
18:57That's done it, hasn't it?
18:58You've blown a fuse.
18:59I never touched a fuse.
19:00I wasn't anywhere near it.
19:01It was, I love it.
19:02I don't mean that.
19:03You've poked about it.
19:04You've made a short and it's gone...
19:05Oh, blimey, never mind.
19:06I'll have to fix a bit.
19:07Jack, give us a hand, will you, mate?
19:08Hang on, mate, hang on.
19:09Don't touch that.
19:10I won't get a shock.
19:11You will if the shop stewards find out about it.
19:13So what?
19:14Look, as shop steward, I cannot allow that.
19:17We cannot allow you mucking about with that.
19:19You could bring the whole country to an halt.
19:22It'd be Fords all over again.
19:24All right, get the electrician in here.
19:26Get him in here.
19:27Can't do that.
19:28Why?
19:29He's having his lunch break.
19:30Well, we can't if the stove's off.
19:31Do you think I could serve it up raw?
19:35Raw?
19:36Mum, we've got Indians, we've got Pakistanis,
19:38we've got Nigerians, we've got all sorts here,
19:40but we haven't got Eskimos.
19:43And let's serve it up with a nice sauce.
19:46Oh, come, Albert, I'll get something organised.
19:48Leave it to me, leave it to me.
19:49Dear.
19:50Why are we waiting?
19:54Why are we waiting?
19:58Oh, why are we waiting?
20:01Don't they always have community singing in the lunch hours?
20:04Well, it's not usual.
20:05Do the busmen always sing this tune?
20:07No, it's generally the passengers.
20:09Built that way now.
20:11So be ready.
20:14Oh, no.
20:15You'll never understand.
20:16Obie's found an electrician.
20:17Come on, then.
20:19There we go.
20:20What have you got there?
20:21Here, I've got 30 portions of fish and chips.
20:23I went over to Joe's bar and got them, you see.
20:25So get the plates out, get the plates out.
20:27Here, open those.
20:28They're all in there, look.
20:30Open them up.
20:33Put them down there.
20:34Pick them up for me.
20:35You got those?
20:36Yeah.
20:37I'll go and have a word with her.
20:38Hang on.
20:41Sorry about the wait, lads.
20:43No, no, keep calm.
20:44And if you've got your nice fish and chips all fresh,
20:46you can come and get it.
20:47It's ready.
20:49All right, all right.
20:50Stand back there, stand back.
20:52Make way for the inspector.
20:53Go on, get out of here.
20:54Go on.
20:56We'd like you to have yours first.
20:58Oh, thanks very much.
20:59Just in case it's poisoned.
21:03Here you are, Mr. Warrior.
21:05Here you are.
21:06Put it at the desk.
21:07Put it at the desk.
21:08Got any more fish and chips out there, Olive?
21:10Yeah, they're lovely.
21:11What are you doing?
21:12I'm having my lunch.
21:13Go on.
21:14Oh, this is delicious, Mrs. Butler.
21:16Oh, thank you, thank you.
21:18Yes, I generally go across to Joe's Fish Bar, you know, for it,
21:20but it's never as good as this.
21:23I can see this is freshly cooked.
21:25You know, when it comes to cooking, I'm a bit of a connoisseur, you know.
21:27Oh, really?
21:28Well, it's one of six a portion.
21:30No, not one of six, Mum.
21:31No, Mum, not one of six.
21:34It's not one of six.
21:36One of six, that's very cheap, you know.
21:38I say it's very cheap.
21:39It cost me four bob a portion.
21:44Blimey, what a day.
21:46Oh, yeah, the organization was a trifle chaotic.
21:49How typical.
21:50There's more to running a canteen than driving a bus, you know.
21:52Oh, I don't think it was so bad.
21:54I heard that we sold more meals than they had ever before.
21:57Yeah, lost two and six on every one.
21:59Yeah, well, of course you do have to know how to count.
22:01Shut up.
22:02Sit down, Jack.
22:06You doing all right, had you?
22:07Wine, chicken, trifle?
22:09Yeah, well, no-one home to get my supper, my wife earning a good pay packet.
22:12I thought I could stretch myself to a few luxuries.
22:16Well, you wouldn't make the most of it.
22:18She's got the bullet.
22:19Eh? Why?
22:21Why?
22:22I've had a few words with the management.
22:23They've agreed to run the canteen again.
22:25I thought you were going to do it better than the management.
22:27Oh, he did.
22:28He lost more in two days than they lost in six months.
22:30Yeah, I'm jotting it down, look.
22:32Have a look at that.
22:33£17.10 down.
22:34£4.50.
22:36Hey, wait a minute, mate.
22:37You're more down than out.
22:38You've forgotten Olive's money.
22:39Olive's money?
22:41Blimey, she didn't do a stroke.
22:43There's nothing in the union rules about that, mate.
22:45You're a shop steward, am I right?
22:46Oh, it's quite right, yeah.
22:47She's entitled to a week's wages.
22:49She ain't got hope.
22:50No, no, no, it's quite right.
22:51You paid Mrs Sharma.
22:53Yeah, but that's different.
22:54Mrs Sharma was an Indian.
22:55Look, we can't have no discrimination.
22:57You're about to pay her, mate.
22:59Maybe the lads will have a whip round for you later.
23:01Maybe.
23:02Oh, you must pay your debts.
23:04Nah, forget it, Mum.
23:05Now, look.
23:06If you don't pay Olive, I will.
23:08What with?
23:10With the money you gave me to save for your holiday.
23:12Oh, this is ridiculous.
23:14Now, now, now, don't argue.
23:15Sit down and I'll make you a nice cup of cocoa for you and Jack for supper.
23:18Cocoa?
23:20Cocoa?
23:21With an overpaid brother-in-law and an overpaid sister?
23:25That's right, come on.
23:26Get the chicken, mate.
23:27What do you think you're doing?
23:57APPLAUSE