Stan samples the home-brewed beer which he has just made. It is very, very strong indeed, so much so that when he goes to work he is already tipsy and Blakey breathalyses him. Thanks to Jack's little ploy the result is negative and Blakey assumes Stan is ill, sending him home. Here he finds that the family have well and truly been partaking of the home-brew and Arthur and Olive are getting very amorous with each other.
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TVTranscript
00:00🎵
00:09APPLAUSE
00:12BELL RINGS
00:15APPLAUSE
00:22Evening all.
00:24How are you?
00:26What are we having for supper? Consomme or socks?
00:30That's Stan's beer. He's brewing up the hops.
00:33Limey, you're not on that lark, are you?
00:35Ain't a do-it-yourself beer king.
00:38You ugly scoffer, mate. I tell you something,
00:40I can make beer out of tubs out of your pipe.
00:42Do you think of how much lolly I save, Mum?
00:44What are you going to do with all the money you save, Stan?
00:46Spend it in a boozer, if I know.
00:49Home-brewed beers and stouts.
00:53Excellent results can be achieved by any man of average intelligence.
00:57Well, that lets you out, doesn't it?
00:59I want to check to see if I've put everything in right.
01:02I've put in the hops, I've put in the malt extract,
01:04and I've put in the sugar...
01:06Hey, hey, hey. Plaster of Paris.
01:09Are you doing home decorating as well?
01:11You put that in the beer, eh?
01:13Plaster of Paris in beer? That can't be right.
01:16It is, Mum, yeah. It says here.
01:18Here we are, here we are.
01:20If you happen to live in the Softwater District,
01:22you've got to put some Plaster of Paris in it.
01:24But it'll go all hard inside you.
01:26Of course it won't. It's just to make the water hard.
01:29We'll all get furred up inside.
01:32I've never heard anything so stupid.
01:34I don't know why you want to harden a waterfall.
01:36Softwater happens to be rather pleasant and has got beneficial qualities.
01:39Oh, yes, I've found it gives me a very nice complexion.
01:43The water around here can't be as soft as I thought.
01:47It's a well-known fact, Arthur,
01:49that soft water gives you a nice complexion
01:51and hard water gives you good teeth.
01:53Yeah, well, I can only presume that you wash your teeth
01:55in one place and your face in another.
01:57Arthur!
01:59Right, here we are.
02:01Ah, Mum, you came for me table.
02:03It's all right. I've got a mat down, haven't I?
02:05Right, that's it.
02:07All we've got to do now is strain the hops
02:09and finish up the beer.
02:11I'd rather have a nice bottle of port.
02:13Well, we can make you some port and umam if you like.
02:15Yeah, if this is successful, I will.
02:17The only difference is, you see,
02:19instead of using hops, you use grapes.
02:21But don't they have to be squeezed?
02:23I can help you do that.
02:25The mind boggles.
02:27Every time you go up to the bathroom,
02:29there's Olive standing there with her dress tucked in
02:31and her knickers in the bath treading grapes.
02:35I wonder if it'd be good for her chill blades.
02:37Oh, what's funny about that?
02:39They all do that in Italy.
02:41Yeah, you ought to go to Italy, love,
02:43and make a fortune with the size of your feet.
02:45Now, here,
02:47do they really make wine like that in Italy?
02:49Of course they do.
02:51It's individual bouquet.
02:53Well, if that's how they make wine in Italy,
02:55I'm glad my bottle of port comes from Algiers.
02:59They don't have no women treading grapes there,
03:01do they?
03:03Nah, use donkeys.
03:05Oh, what a thing to say.
03:09Now, every time I have a glass of port,
03:11I shall be thinking of donkeys
03:13and wandering.
03:15Well, we're finished with the hops.
03:17Don't they have to go in the beer?
03:19No, no, no, you only use the brown juice
03:21you get from them, then you throw the hops away.
03:23Just like making cellopods.
03:25What is beer? You won't be able to taste
03:27the difference. In fact, you might be better
03:29off with cellopods.
03:31Right, now then, where's that bucket of water I got?
03:33Here you are, love.
03:35Now this, you see, you add this juice to this water,
03:37like that, you see. This is a real start,
03:39you know, isn't it?
03:41That's the idea, see. Right, got that bit?
03:43Now then, you put in the yeast like that,
03:45you see. Now, after you've done this,
03:47you've got to wrap it up, keep it warm,
03:49and in four days' time, you've got two gallons of best bitter.
03:51Ooh, I love this!
03:53That's it. Hey, what are you going to do?
03:55Oh, wrap this round it, it's all good.
03:57Hey, what do you think you're doing, that's the idea,
03:59down off my bed? It won't hurt.
04:01If you get cold feet, you can stick them on olives.
04:13Stan! I thought you've got another shift to do.
04:15I've got another shift, but have you forgotten?
04:17The four days is up. The beer,
04:19it's fermented, it's ready.
04:21Shift all that stuff over there. Olive,
04:23get some glasses out.
04:25Oh, forget that stuff out of it, mate.
04:27I'm having my supper.
04:29Get out of there.
04:31Here.
04:33Will it be alright? Of course it'll be alright.
04:35You got the glasses?
04:37Mind that, mind that, mind that.
04:39Oh!
04:43God blimey!
04:45It looks like somebody's soup!
04:47Where's the beer?
04:49It's underneath that stuff.
04:51Well, how do you get to it? Drill for it?
04:53Shut your face, God, you don't.
04:55That's under your yeast on top.
04:57No, you skim it off.
04:59Well, you want to see some of these breweries?
05:01Blimey, they get barrels and barrels full of it.
05:05It's like weight amass.
05:07Oh, stay!
05:13Here, Olive, you have that.
05:15Right, now then.
05:17What are you going to do with it?
05:21Drink it.
05:23You alright, my mate?
05:25Alright? Yes.
05:27Just a little taste, that's all.
05:29You want a drop more?
05:31It's only a taste, do you know what I mean?
05:33I'll try it.
05:35It's all over me side.
05:37It's alright, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
05:39Right, now what?
05:45Yes, er...
05:47Well, um...
05:49It should be alright.
05:51I made it myself, didn't I?
05:53Right, I'm going to taste it.
05:55Ian, aren't you going to do it like they do it on the telly?
05:57What?
05:59Well, they take a swig, swill it round three times in their mouth and spit it out.
06:01You'll spit it out, alright.
06:03Well, cheers.
06:05Cheers.
06:09Hey, this is good.
06:11Eh? Yeah.
06:13Pity they don't sell it like this in the pubs.
06:27God, it's smashing.
06:29Drink up, Oliver.
06:31It's like finding the antidote.
06:33It's how marvellous you have it, mate.
06:35Alright, I will, I will, I will.
06:43God, it's marvellous.
06:45It's a pity they don't sell it like this in the pubs.
06:47Yeah, well, it's against the law. The health department wouldn't allow it.
06:49Well, go on, Mum, knock it back.
06:51No, I don't think I will, love.
06:53I think I'll leave Martin a little bit later.
06:55Yeah, but you'll go flat.
06:57Never mind, I'll down it for you.
06:59Careful, don't forget you've got another shift.
07:01You've got to drive your bus tonight.
07:03Will you stop nagging?
07:05Blimey, I've only had a little drop, haven't I?
07:07Besides, I'm not due out for over an hour yet.
07:09Right, what are yours, Olive?
07:11Oh, no, you're not having mine.
07:13You're not drinking it.
07:15No, I'm going to wash my hair with it.
07:17Beer shampoo's very good for your hair.
07:19You put that in your head, your hair'll fall out, mate.
07:21Is that how you lost yours?
07:23Yeah.
07:25Right, I'm going now, Mum.
07:27Oh, no, love, you can't go without something to eat.
07:29You've had all this beer on an empty stomach.
07:31Look, will you listen to me?
07:33I had one of her pies lunchtime, didn't I?
07:35You know her pastry, blimey, that'll be there for the next fortnight.
07:39Oh, Mum, Mum, by the way.
07:41Put the lid on the beer, I'll bottle it up when I come home.
07:43Right-o, love. Here, wash these glasses up.
07:45There's a good girl.
07:47Yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait.
07:49Might as well just see what it does taste of.
07:57Oh, blimey, I never knew he'd make it taste like that.
07:59What does it taste like?
08:01Beer.
08:03It's half strong, though.
08:05I bet he never tested its gravity.
08:07Where's that hydraulic, though?
08:09Eh?
08:11Here we are.
08:13What does that thing do?
08:15It floats on the top of the beer.
08:17The lower down it floats, the stronger it is.
08:19It should stay three inches above the top.
08:21Oh, blimey, that's not beer.
08:23That's fire water.
08:25Oh, I fell right underneath the beer.
08:27Nearly knocked an oldie in the bottom.
08:29Beer, that stuff's a lot stronger
08:31than Stan Figg's, you know.
08:33I don't know what it's done to Stan,
08:35but it's taken all the varnish
08:37off me teeth.
08:41Hey, Chalky.
08:43Yeah?
08:45Is this Stan?
08:47No, mate.
08:49The inspector's going barmy.
08:51Well, he's barmy anyway, isn't he?
09:11Where the hell have you been?
09:13Come on, we're late. Now get on that bus.
09:15We're due out.
09:17Come here, come here.
09:19You're driving, remember?
09:21I don't like it up in the front.
09:23I'm lonely up there. I want to get inside with you.
09:25Come on.
09:29Have you been drinking?
09:31No, of course I ain't. Why?
09:33You're drunk.
09:35You're as clattered as a newt.
09:37No, don't be angry with me, Jack.
09:39No, Jack, no, don't be angry with me.
09:43Give us a smile, Gordon.
09:47Come on, give us a smile.
09:49Has anybody ever told you
09:51you've got a lovely smile
09:53and you've got lovely teeth,
09:55you shine beautifully when you smile?
09:59You might be also once new.
10:03How much beer have you had?
10:05You're in no condition to drive a bus.
10:07Listen, I'll tell you something.
10:09I'm fit for anything now, mate.
10:11Don't you talk to me like that.
10:13Hello, Jack. Hello, Stan.
10:15Dear, what's come over you?
10:17Now, don't be silly.
10:19I thought you were the quiet one.
10:21Well, I'll show you whether I'm the quiet one or not.
10:23Put that girl down. What do you think you're doing?
10:25Put her down.
10:27Well, I see you're a bit...
10:29Them mini-skirts have gone to your head, haven't they?
10:31It can't be dark. I don't wear them.
10:35Robert, do you realise
10:37that a busman can be suspended
10:39for interfering with a clippy like that?
10:41God, blimey, if he did that,
10:43he'd come along.
10:45Oh, cheeky devil!
10:49I think you know a lot. I was indecent.
10:51That wasn't indecent.
10:53It would have been only a ticket machine got in the way.
10:57Bloody you've gone mad, haven't you?
10:59I'll go and report this.
11:01Do you know what, Blakey?
11:03I'll tell you something, mate.
11:05I love you when you're angry.
11:07Because your eyes sparkle.
11:09And your teeth,
11:11they almost start bristles.
11:13And I tell you what, you should shave it off
11:15because it hurts your temples.
11:21You've been thinking about that.
11:23You're drunk, aren't you?
11:25Do you realise what this means?
11:27You've signed on for duty
11:29under the influence of alcohol, aren't you?
11:31This could mean dismissal.
11:33Hang about. Shop steward,
11:35I cannot allow you to make unsubstantiated
11:37slanderous allegations about one of our members.
11:39You cannot prove that he is
11:41intoxicated.
11:43But I soon will do. Hang about.
11:45I'll get the company doctor to give you a breathalyser test.
11:49You get a breathalyser.
11:51I'm not frightened of a breathalyser.
11:55We'll see about that, mate.
11:57I've got you, Butler. Remember, you sign on for duty.
11:59Now, don't leave the depot, mate.
12:01I've been waiting years for this.
12:03It hurts.
12:05You idiot.
12:07You've done it now, haven't you?
12:09Come on, we'll get you out the canteen.
12:11Hey, fellas here.
12:13Get a cure, quick.
12:15It's all right, fellas.
12:17Come on, sit down.
12:19Behave yourself.
12:21Hurry up, Chalky.
12:23Get that down you, mashed potato.
12:25It'll get rid of the alcohol.
12:27You sure it'll work?
12:29Yeah, I saw it on the telly when the breathalyser first came out.
12:31It'll top up the alcohol.
12:33Come on, get it down you.
12:35Come on.
12:41I can't make it.
12:43No, you need a bigger spoon.
12:45Chalky, take a bigger spoon.
12:49Here you are. Use this saucer.
12:55This is a mouth here, mate, you know.
12:57Not the Blackwell Tunnel.
12:59No, I'll sit with the spoon.
13:01Come on.
13:07Hurry up.
13:19Do you know what, Jack?
13:21I didn't think one plate of spaghetti would get rid of all that booze.
13:23It doesn't. You need three at least.
13:25Here you are.
13:29Come on.
13:33Come on, get it down you.
13:35I can't manage it.
13:37Get it down you. Don't argue.
13:39Thanks, Chalky. I'll mention it to the Queen.
13:41You'll probably get the OBE.
13:43I can't manage it.
13:45Come on, get it down you.
13:47No, I don't want it.
13:49Besides, I feel sick.
13:51That's very good.
13:53Now, that's the best cure of the lot.
13:55Look, I'll tell you what.
13:57Give it to him from your big toe.
14:03How do I do that?
14:05You burnt a blood sample.
14:07It's got further to go down here.
14:09There'll be less alcohol.
14:11It's a pity you haven't got longer legs.
14:13Here, head up.
14:15Here you are.
14:17I've been searching the depot for you.
14:19I've had a word with the General Manager
14:21and he agrees with me that in the interest of the safety of the general public
14:23you should be requested to take a breathalyser test.
14:25Come in my office.
14:27Hey, shop steward, I'm here to tell you
14:29that a doctor should be present.
14:31Doctor?
14:33Well, I'm afraid he's not available.
14:35I don't know where he is.
14:37Well, I do. It's quarter to six.
14:39He'll be over the boozer getting sloshed.
14:41Let's go over there and have a look.
14:43Hold on a minute.
14:45You don't need a doctor.
14:47That's only for when there's a blood test.
14:49Come on, we'll have it in the General Manager's office.
14:51We all know the intimidation that goes on behind locked doors.
14:53Right, fellas, gather round.
14:55All right, we'll do it in front of witnesses.
14:57It don't matter where you do it, mate.
14:59If them crystals in there turn green, you're going to get the sack.
15:01Right, you're blowing this little bag.
15:03Now, just a minute, just a minute.
15:05Shop steward, I must have a private word with Brother Stan here
15:07and inform him of his rights.
15:09Oh, our rights.
15:11All right, go and have your mother's meeting then. Go on.
15:13Right, let us convene.
15:15We're going to convene.
15:17Jack, listen.
15:19What rights have I got?
15:21You're blowing the tube.
15:23You think he'll turn it green?
15:25Blimey, the way you've been acting, mate, the glass will probably melt.
15:29That means I'll get the sack.
15:31What am I going to do?
15:33Look, I have heard that if you've got a mouthful of smoke
15:35when you're blowing the tube, it mucks up the test, see?
15:37But he won't let me smoke.
15:39No, but he can't stop me.
15:41Look, just before you're blowing the tube, turn round
15:43and I'll give you a quick drag, right?
15:45Cool, you're clever, Jack, aren't you?
15:47I love you, Jack.
15:49Right.
15:53Fully... Stand up, will you?
15:55Fully convinced of his innocence
15:57and that he has been unjustly slandered,
15:59Brother Stan here has agreed to take the test.
16:01Right, blow in there, then.
16:03No, just a minute.
16:05I've got to clear my throat.
16:07Clear your throat?
16:09You've got to blow in it, not play on it.
16:13I mean, breathalyser, not a bagpipe.
16:15Right.
16:17You'll have to excuse me, anyway.
16:27What's the matter? Oh, I've put the wrong end in, mate.
16:29Here, hold it.
16:31Hold it me tongue.
16:39Ready? Now, you blow in there.
16:41Now, hold it a minute.
16:46If them...
16:48If them crystals in there...
16:50If them crystals in there,
16:52the other side of that yellow line,
16:54turn green,
16:56then you're going to get the sack, mate, because they will.
16:58Right, then. Now, blow in there.
17:00I'll tie you on me... Hold it. Hold on.
17:04You're mucking me about, aren't you?
17:06It won't do you any good, you know, but now hold it.
17:08Right, then. Now, then, hold on.
17:10You've got to give one continuous blow.
17:12Right?
17:14Less than ten seconds,
17:16and not more than 20.
17:18Now, I'll tie you on this. Hold it a minute.
17:20Now, wait till the minute hand comes down to it.
17:22Hold it, hold it. Here it comes.
17:24Wait.
17:26Now, it's gone past, hasn't it?
17:30Here it comes now, now.
17:32You ready?
17:34Ready?
17:36Off you go.
17:38Two, three,
17:40four, five, six,
17:42seven, eight,
17:44nine, ten.
17:52Well, that's extraordinary. Look at that.
17:54Look. It's gone all cloudy.
17:58Have you been drinking ammonia?
18:02He's got a fever.
18:04His breath's steamed up the bag.
18:06Hang about. He's changing colour.
18:08Is your coat green?
18:10Yeah.
18:12It's going brown.
18:16That's funny. There's nothing in the instructions
18:18about it turning brown.
18:20Have you been drinking?
18:22Cocoa.
18:26Yeah, it's canteen cocoa. That's why he feels ill.
18:28Yeah. I feel ill.
18:30He looks a bit green to me.
18:32Yeah, that's a reflection off his face.
18:34I've told you he's not well.
18:36I'm not well, he said. I'm not well.
18:38Well, that's a bit unusual, isn't it?
18:40Well, he says you're not drunk.
18:42You're not drunk, mate. You must be ill, I suppose.
18:44I'm not ill. I'm ill.
18:46Well, if you're ill, you'd better go home out of it.
18:48We can't have you in a depo if you're ill, can we?
18:50Take him home out of it.
18:52I appreciate it.
18:54Go home out of it.
18:56You can both do a double shift tomorrow.
19:00Good luck, mate.
19:08Come in, Jack.
19:10It's taken two hours to sober you up.
19:12Must have been around the park ten times.
19:14Blimey, no wonder I was cold.
19:16Mind you, I feel better now.
19:18Yeah, well, I feel half dead.
19:20Where's that beer you made? I'd like to sample that, see where you went wrong.
19:22Is it on the table here?
19:24I did what it said. Well, I thought it.
19:26A rotten lot.
19:28They chucked it all down the sink.
19:30It's one of the drains I'm blown up.
19:39Hello, Stan.
19:41My old mate.
19:43My old mut...
19:47They haven't chucked it down the sink.
19:49I...
19:51I had...
19:53What's the matter?
19:55I had a drop of that beer. That's very good.
19:57Yeah, I can see that, yeah.
19:59I just wondered if I could have another drop.
20:01No, you're too late, mate. Look, see? It's empty.
20:03Got it? Look, I'll show you. Look.
20:05You've drunk the lot.
20:07No, not me. Mum and Olive.
20:12I was just going to bed anyway.
20:14You'll never make it.
20:16Arthur, where are you?
20:20I'm here, honeybun.
20:28I didn't know there was anyone else here.
20:30Here, take the cap.
20:32Oh, thank you, Stan.
20:34No, I'm...
20:38Your sister.
20:40She's a bit of all right, you know.
20:44Your bloody must be drunk.
20:46Oh, Arthur.
20:48You always was my hero.
20:50Hello,
20:52my little pigeon.
20:56I thought I heard you coming.
20:58I've been keeping your sipper hot for you.
21:00Your bloody... She's more drunk than I am.
21:04I had a little drop of your lovely beer.
21:07I thought I'd have a little bit more.
21:09Just a little bit.
21:11What's happened to the bucket?
21:13It's at the wrong one, Mum, you see?
21:15It's none in it. It's empty.
21:17It's all gone.
21:19Did it get spilled?
21:21Not a drop, by the look of it.
21:23I'll get you some lovely hot tomato soup.
21:25Just a minute.
21:27I've had it boiling up here.
21:29Lovely for my little boy.
21:31Look at this lovely soup here.
21:33Have a little bit of that soup.
21:35Would you like some of this lovely soup?
21:37I made it specially for you.
21:39No, I don't think I will, Missy B.
21:41I've got enough down me trousers.
21:43Just a little bit.
21:45I'll get you something to clean yourself off with.
21:47That's my shirt!
21:49I'll clear it, Mum. You go to bed.
21:51Oh, my little baby.
21:53Mummy's baby.
21:55Mummy's going up
21:57the wooden hill
21:59to bed for tonight.
22:05You might like to get upstairs.
22:15Come on, Arthur.
22:27Here, Stan.
22:29You've got enough for another eight gallons, yeah?
22:31I'm not making any more of that stuff.
22:33I'm not making any more of that stuff
22:35after what it's done to them.
22:37Did you see the way Olive looked at Arthur?
22:39Blimey, she'll kill him!
22:43Well, I was just wondering
22:45if it'll do that for her.
22:47Think what it'll do for the clippies.
22:53Have a rave-up party!
22:55Get the saucepan going, mate!
22:57I'll tell you what I've got me eye on, mate.
22:59Randy's ridding me of wood for a year.